“We should have set up a booth here. Your mother would have made a killing. I didn’t realize this thing was so big. We’ll look into it next year, huh?”
Raegan squeezes my hand tighter as we make our way past another booth filled with all kinds of canned, homemade goodies. I’d love to stop and look, possibly pick out some marmalade and pickled okra to take home, but Raegan’s attention span is that of a small boys, and I can’t take a look at anything here for more than five minutes before he’s pulling me on to the next thing. My mom was smart, got away while she could in the beginning, and we haven’t seen her since. I’m sure she’s taking her time at each kiosk, filling her canvas shopping back with various goodies. I hope that she’s kept me in mind, gotten a few things that I’ll enjoy as well.
“Es?”
“Huh? Oh...yeah, next year.”
I let my guard down at dinner last night. The food was fabulous. Raegan took me to this restaurant in Greensboro called Kevin Almond’s, and I ordered the burgundy glazed steak with garlic mashed potatoes. It was heavenly. I can still taste it, even now. The wine was incredible too, paired exactly right with my meal, and I found myself ordering another glass, and then another when Raegan encouraged me to.
I didn’t make it back to the hotel room I shared with my mother last night. Somehow, I wound up in bed with Raegan instead. Still tipsy off the wine, I didn’t think about it when he started to kiss me, and barely reacted when my clothes started coming off, piece by piece, his lips covering the bare places on my body immediately after the clothing came off.
I woke up this morning with one of his arms draped over me as he slept on. My head pounded, my mouth was dry, and I began to ask myself what the hell had happened, because I never went to bed with a man that easily.
Maybe I needed it though. Maybe I needed to feel a little bit more alive, and since the person I really wanted to spend my time with was out of the picture, Raegan was the next best choice.
Although, he’s back to his usual personality today. He feels he’s won me over I guess, and that gives him the peace of mind to continue acting like a selfish idiot. I should have left, told him I was uncomfortable, but I haven’t. I’ve held his hand, sat down and had ribs with him this afternoon, and let him drag me through the fair at the pace of somebody who is from an urban area. We did make one longer stop, at the Strong Bell. He barely made it halfway up the thing, and they gave him a lollipop as a consolation prize, since he landed on the word ‘sucker’. It was supposed to be funny, but he didn’t see it that way. He felt embarrassed, called the carni guy a ‘stupid hick’ and tossed the lollipop into a nearby garbage can.
Obviously, he’s not cut out for this type of thing.
Note to self, no more county fairs with Raegan unless it’s business related.
Justin has been slipping in and out of my mind since we arrived in Wytheville this morning. It was stupid, I kept thinking I was going to see him walking the streets as we drove through the tiny town. Naturally, that didn’t happen, but when we pulled into the fair’s designated parking area, I couldn’t help but look around, thinking he was going to pop out of a random car.
That didn’t happen either.
There’s been no sign of him all day. This fair is a week long event though, so we probably came on the day he decided not to show. It figures, but then again, it’s probably for the best. What would I say anyway? His life is different now and so is mine. It would be more awkward meeting him with Raegan at my side, considering the last time we saw each other, we both had to try our best not to take each other right there in the middle of his tiny studio apartment.
It’s for the best.
But damn, I can’t help but wonder if he’s doing okay. He’s so close...if not here then just a few miles away at his family’s farm. It’s really not fair, but it would take a miracle for something to bring us back together.
“I’m going to use the ladies,” I say to Raegan quietly, when we pause at a booth loaded with flowers for more than a few seconds. “Will you be okay by yourself for a minute?”
“Sure, I’m going to get one of those frozen bananas I saw a few booths back. You want one?”
“I guess so.”
I don’t know why, but I’m practically running to get away from him.
This is bad. What am I doing? I don’t really care about Raegan. He’s just convenient for the moment, and while Sandra would tell me there was no harm in using him for his body, I don’t like playing with his emotions like that, even if he is kind of a jerk.
I duck into a restroom right as an announcement begins to play over the loudspeaker. It’s something about a lost child, but I barely pay attention. My mind is swimming with too many confused thoughts about last night, and how I’m going to handle either being, or not being with Raegan in the future.
“D-a-a-d.”
I stop when I hear it. The restroom looked empty, up until now. It sounds like a child’s cry, but it’s a strange one. The voice isn’t normal, it’s sort of muffled, and the cries are too. “Hello?” I call out.
But there’s no answer. The crying continues though.
I walk down the row of closed stall doors until I come upon the last one. It’s open a crack, and I can see a pair of blue and white velcro shoes peeking out from behind the door. I smirk slightly, and push the door open a little wider so I can try and calm the crying child, but when I see the small boy sitting there, rocking himself back and forth, I feel my heart skip a beat.
It’s Ben. Ben who isn’t with his father, because he’s probably lost, and that was what the announcement must have been for. About a deaf child lost in this massive fairground.
What are the odds of me being the one to find him? What’s more, I know Justin is here.
Justin is here, and I’m here, and I have no idea how I should feel about that, or what will happen if I see him. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just discreetly drop Ben off at the sheriff's booth, find Raegan and tell him I’m not feeling well so he’ll bring me back to the hotel.
Right. Good plan.
I crouch down and give Ben’s hand a little squeeze, and it’s only then that he looks up and gasps when he sees me. His eyes are wide, like he recognizes me, but he still looks panicked. I’m sure it was a lot for the little guy to take in, being lost in a place like this. “Are you okay?” I say it and sign to him.
He nods, and signs out ‘I want Daddy’ before groaning out ‘da-a-d’ again.
“I’ll take you to daddy,” I reassure him, and hold my hand out, which he takes right away, and latches onto tightly. It’s trembling and my heart sinks. Poor kid.
We walk a little ways, before I have to ask somebody how to get to the sheriff’s station, and instead of giving me directions, they seem to understand that the child is the lost one, and walk me there themselves. I thank the man when he leaves me outside of the small office at the end of a row of booths, and take a in long breath before I step inside. I see the man that looks to be the sheriff standing at a podium when we enter, talking to a woman with light blonde hair. She’s wearing an apron smeared with various things, and pointing her finger at him as she tells him to ‘try harder’.
“DAAAD!”
Ben pulls out of my grasp then, and that’s when I see him, sitting on a chair in the corner, a pretty blonde girl at his side with a consoling hand on his shoulder. They both perk up when they hear the sound of Ben’s voice, and Justin catches him in his arms, spends the next ten minutes kissing his son’s face and yelling at him to never leave daddy’s side again, even though the boy can’t hear him.
The girl at his side just stares at me, her smile grateful, her gaze slightly cautious when Justin begins to speak again.
r32;“Esme?”
I stare at him for a moment, while Ben curls himself up against his fathers chest. He looks good, a little tired, but not as fatigued as he was back in the city. His curly hair is gone, replaced with a shaved head instead which I’m sure is due to the heat of the summer more than anything. “Hi, Justin.”
“Where on earth did you find him?” The woman I assume is Justin's mother comes up beside me and grasps my hand tightly, her eyes thanking me a million times over. “We were so worried...thank you...thank you so much.” She leans in and kisses my cheek.
r32;“He was hiding in the ladies bathroom. It was nothing. I’m just glad I found him before he could wander off someplace else.”
“Well, that’s one issue over with. Son, you better not let that boy out of your sight the rest of the day, you hear me? I don’t care if there are twelve thousand Strong Bells. I have a pie contest to win and a sweet booth to run.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Justin’s cheeks turn pink and he lowers his head slightly.
“You come by the my sweet booth in a bit,” Justin’s mother says to me with a smile. “I’ll have one of my best pies for you. Thank you so much, again.”
She rushes off, and I’m left standing there with Ben, Justin, and...who I can only assume is his new girlfriend.
“What...I mean...why are you in Wytheville?” Justin blurts out, next.
“My mom is doing a couple of book signings in North Carolina,” I nod. “Today she’s off and we heard about this, so we wanted to check it out.”
He just stares at me, until his girlfriend clears her throat in annoyance.
“Oh, Lace...this is Esmerelda. She’s a friend from New York. Esme...Lacey.”
“Hi...um, thanks for finding him. There’s a dance. A benefit for my brother, later on tonight. You should come. I’ll be at the door. You won’t have to pay admission. C’mon baby.” She squeezes Justin’s hand. “The pageant is going to start soon.”
“I’ll be along.” He reassures her, giving her a light kiss. She stares at him, questioning why he wouldn’t follow obediently, but gives up soon enough.
“I’ll...I’ll be at the tent,” she says quietly.
Justin only nods, and then she leaves.
I let out the breath I was holding. Damn, that was awkward. Speaking of awkward, I’m sure Raegan is wondering where the hell I went, but standing here in front of Justin is forcing me to forget about him right now.
“How, um...” Justin pauses, shifts Ben in his arms a little, and smirks. “How are you?”
“I’ve been okay, I guess. I wasn’t going to do this with my mom, but...my parents split up and she needs me right now.”
“Sorry to hear, but you knew that was coming, didn’t you?”
“I did.”
He nods.
“How...how are things here?”
“You know, they’re going.” He laughs a little, but doesn’t look me in the eye. “Ben is doing great, he’s made some friends, now...he just needs to learn to not wander away, but I think this whole fair thing was a little overwhelming for him, anyway. I’m thankful somebody found him but...it’s you. I’m a little shocked. I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
“Well, you didn’t write.”
He’s silent, won’t look at me. He knows what he did, and I get the feeling he did it on purpose. Like it hurt him too much to write me because he was so far away. “I know I didn’t.”
I don’t ask him why, don’t get into it, because it’s not the time or place. He’s got things going on. A lot of things, like his life here with his new girlfriend. “How long have you guys been dating?”
“Since high school,” he laughs, but it’s a sad one. “We’re trying round two.”
“Well...that’s great.”
“Yeah.”
“Well it was...really great seeing you, Justin.”
He looks at me, silent for a moment. “You look great.”
Really?
He presses his lips together. “I um...I better get going. My sister is in the beauty pageant. My mom will kill me if I miss it, since the drama today is because of me anyway,” he says quickly, as he gets up with his son still in his arms. “Maybe I’ll see you at the dance?”
“Oh...I don’t think so. Gotta get back to the hotel with mom, you know how it is.”
“Oh right...yeah.”
We stare at each other for another few moments. That lingering is still there. That want, that emotion between us that’s always been. I want to just...take him, run out of here with him, keep him all for myself.
But I can’t.
“Good luck, Justin.”
“Thanks.”
I walk away, forcing the tears back.
Fuck, really? That’s it?
I guess so.
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