“I’m Miss Wytheville!”
“You looked so beautiful honey, really....here you go, darlin’, enjoy it...” My mom hands a pie off to another happy customer before continuing her conversation with my sister. “...I’m so proud of you. Everybody is.”
She looks at me, narrows her eyes, expecting me to congratulate my sister for the thousandth time tonight.
“Yeah, I’m really proud of you, Bec,” I smile for her. “You’re really great at all that pageant stuff.”
“Thanks, Justin,” she rolls her eyes at me because it wasn’t the most sincere compliment I’ve ever given her. “Momma so...can I bring Anderson as my date? You know, to the dance?”
Momma huffs and doesn’t look at my sister. “That’s not up to me. You know your daddy’s rules. You’ll have to ask him.”
“Fine.”
My dad has always had this thing with my sisters, not allowing them to date until they’re out of high school. When we were younger, I used to have to cover for Karen every time she would sneak out of the house to go with a boy. She actually paid me. I got double allowance for six months one year because she was dating this kid in her class. I bought myself a car with part of that money, so in a way we’re even, despite the fact that I had to take a few punishments from my parents because of her escapades. Dad is pulling the same crap with Rebecca, only...she’s a little goody two shoes and wouldn’t dream of defying our father.
She’s always been his favorite. Never mine, though. We’ve never been that close, even though Garret and I have always gotten along well. She’s always siding with dad, about everything, and constantly pointing out Garret’s faults in front of our folks. I love her, she’s my sister, but I don’t really like her. In fact, I was glad to be rid of her when I went to college. Now that I’ve gone back to seeing her on a daily basis, I try to avoid her however I can. The last thing I need is her running to dad with something that she doesn’t like about me. I have enough problems.
Especially today.
She looked...great. I couldn’t believe it was her. Of all the places, of all the people and children she could have come across, she found Ben, and found me too. Lacey was there, but I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t concentrate. All I could really do was stare at her, take her all in, because I realized she looked even better than she had that night in my apartment. There was this new, revitalized look of professionalism about her...like she’d gotten everything she ever wanted and was living a great life. A life I couldn’t be a part of, but I was still happy for her.
I wanted to pull her close, tell her that I was so happy for her, but I couldn't touch her, couldn’t go near her, because my girlfriend was there, and even when she wasn’t...I felt too awkward to do anything else but sit there and stare at Esme like a fool.
I regret it, a little. I wish I could have hugged her, told her that...she was special to me and would always be, even if we couldn’t be together. That she always gave me something to look forward to every Friday at three fifteen.
I wish I could have told her how much I miss her.
But she’s gone again, I doubt she’ll go to the dance, and that means I’ve lost her all over again. Part of me feels that I should have taken the opportunity, begged her to stay, talk...that we could find a way to make something work out between us...
That’s silly though. I’ve got a good thing going down here, and I care about Lacey. I can’t throw it all away for something that I’m not even that sure about.
It’s better this way.
At least, I keep trying to make myself believe that.
“Well I’m gonna talk to daddy,” Rebecca pouts as she slides off the stool she’s been perched on since we walked into the pie tent a little while ago. “I just won the whole frickin’ pageant. He’ll have to understand.”
“Do your best, darlin’,” my mother says to her with a sigh. “Just don’t come cryin’ to me when he doesn’t let you have your way.”
My sister says nothing, just tosses her hair back behind her shoulder and storms off.
“Sometimes I wonder whether she got switched at the hospital.” Momma says it to me quietly, and smirks.
I smile back. “Nah. She’s got the classic Timberlake nose.”
“True,” she laughs. “Did you send Ben off with Ann and Trace?”
“Yeah. They said they’ll bring him by in the morning.”
“Good. Hopefully he’ll be relaxed enough to fall asleep there tonight. Poor thing had such a rough day. Anyway, you better start headin’ off to the dance, son.”
“I’ll go in a bit. Lacey’s busy running the fundraiser with her mom anyway.”
Momma nods, and sells a few more pies, before slowly turning to meet my gaze again. There’s a million questions in her eyes now, like she’s been waiting for this opportunity all day. “I heard that girl that found Ben was somebody you know.”
I’m sure Lacey said something. I’m not angry, I guess I just wish she could have kept that information to herself. Now I have to explain Esmerelda to my mother, who won’t understand, because she wasn’t in the city and never met her before today. “She’s...she’s just this girl I met in the city.”
“What’s she doing here?”
“Her mother is a writer. She’s been promoting her new book in North Carolina. They came here on a whim and...somehow, she found Ben. Crazy, huh?”
“Did you date this girl?”
She says it icily, as if Esme could be a threat to my relationship with Lacey. That’s my mothers problem. She views Lacey as the only woman who is right for me, because she has that small town mentality and she always will. She doesn’t understand the big world that’s out there, or how good Esme made me feel for that short time that I was able to spend with her every week, and on our one and only date. “I didn’t get the chance to.”
“Well, I suggest that you stay away from that whole situation, Justin.” Momma crosses her arms and narrows her eyes at me in that commanding way that always forces me to listen to her. “Things have been going well down here. Your father can’t stop talking about what a help you’ve been. He’s even considering helping you and Lacey buy a house, once you cave in and marry the girl. That’s what Ben needs, a stable family, not you running around chasing after some girl you barely know.”
“Geez, Momma.” I get up and shove my hands in my pockets. “I’m not doing that. I just said hello to the girl, that’s all. Lacey and I are working on things. I’m not breaking up with her or anything.”
“Just make sure you don’t, son.”
She turns away and begins to talk to more customers that saunter up to the counter.
Esme never took my mom up on her offer for pie. Maybe that’s why she’s so bitter tonight.
It’s bullshit though, no matter how I look at it. I need to make sure I’m with Lacey for the right reasons, not just because my folks think it’s the best thing. I don’t want to end up married and miserable. There’s too much of that in the world, and in a way, Ben and I have already been through that once with Tory. I won’t let it happen again.
I walk up behind my mother, who I know is doing her best to forget I’m even here, but I feel her give in when I place my hands on her shoulders. She’s afraid for me, that’s obvious, but I don’t want her to be. I’m independent and I can handle my own life. Sure, I messed up in New York, but that doesn’t mean I need to live my life by her guidelines. “Momma.”
“Go on, get yourself to the dance. I’ll be by just as soon as they close this tent down.”
“I wish you wouldn’t worry about me so much,” I tell her gently.
She turns then, stares at me, and sniffles slightly. “It’s hard for me not to worry about you, son. It’s hard for me to think that...something might make you want to leave home again.”
That’s what this is all about. She wants her children close. There’s six of us, but the farthest any of us live from the farm now is about forty minutes. “You know...I can’t promise I won’t move eventually.”
“But you have every reason to stay, Justin. Every reason. I know...part of the reason you wanted to leave was because of Grandma. Nobody wanted her to go that way, dear. You know that, and I doubt she would have wanted you to walk away from the family because of how her death affected you.”
It’s the last thing I want to talk about tonight, and I quickly back away from momma. “I...I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You never do.”
My Nanna was one of the biggest parts of my life. We spent more time together, I think, than I spent with momma. I could talk to her...she was creative, like me. She liked to read all of my short stories, and gave me insight on them. Every week, without fail, we would go down to the bookstore and scope the place out, try to pick out the best titles to read so we could discuss the story lines together later on. Nobody in the family ever really understood how special she was to me, and...when she suddenly had a heart attack my junior year and passed away, I never got over it.
It’s one of the biggest reasons I wanted to get out of Wytheville. I just missed her too much. I felt like I couldn’t stay. Even now, it’s hard being home, but I’ve sucked it up, tucked the memories of her away. Now momma has to shove it all in my face, on a day like today.
“I’ll see you at the hall.” I say it, and walk away quickly so I won’t be able to give my momma a dirty look. Everybody knows that’s cause for disaster in our family.
I get to the dance hall fifteen minutes later, and spot Lacey immediately, standing out front, greeting people as they walk inside. She freshened up before she came, changed into a dress that makes her look even more beautiful, and I’d be crazy to think I don’t have it made with her in my life. I mean, she really is a good woman. I can’t deny that. She’s supportive and knows how to be a loving partner.
But do I love her? With my whole heart?
After seeing Esme today I’m not so sure, and I can tell my mother knows that too.
But I don’t want to hurt Lacey. Not after how patient and understanding she’s been when it comes to me, and Ben too. As far as living here goes, if I was to stay, she’d be the best person to have in my life. She loves this town and treasures the same values that I always have.
But out in the real world, we’d never work. She’s not into the big picture like I am. She never has been. She’s satisfied living here, marrying somebody, and becoming an excellent homemaker just like her mother was before her daddy left.
“Hey love.” She smiles when I make my way up to the door, and kisses me lightly. “Is Ben all set?”
“Trace and Ann took him back to their place.”
“So it’s you and me for the night, huh?”
“Looks that way,” I smile gently.
“Are...are we okay?” She touches the hand resting on her face and whispers it, her eyes full of uncertainty.
It takes me a minute to answer her, because I’m...I’m a little unsure of the answer. I know I can’t do this to her though. I can’t pretend I’m ready for her, ready to settle down here, because it’s the way my life was always supposed to be.
“I’m not sure.” I say, a little proud of myself for being honest.
“What?”
“I just...I don’t know if I’m cut out for all of this. It was never my ambition to stay in Wytheville forever, and live a small town life. You know that. It’s why we broke up in the first place. You didn’t want to leave, and you still don’t.”
r32;“But now you’re back,” she says desperately. “We’re working on things. Ben...Ben is happy. We have a good thing, Justin. If we try...in a year or two...your father is...”
“I don’t want the farm,” I tell her, realizing it’s the first time I’ve admitted it to anybody. “I never have. I just...I don’t have the money to live anywhere else right now. I’m doing my best to save, and once I have enough, I’m going to get a place of my own so my parents can’t mandate me to farm work forever.”
“So what...what are you saying, Justin?” she begins to sob. “Are you saying that you don’t want to be with me? That you want to give up everything we’ve been doing for the past couple of months? I thought we loved each other...”
“I wanted to believe I loved you,” I say, sadly. “But I don’t know if I will in a year. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Lace. You’ve always been one of my best friends.”
“Best friends?” She scoffs. “I didn’t make all this effort so you could decide that we should just be friends.”
I just shrug.
“You’re a bastard,” she grits it out through her teeth, as more tears travel down her face. “I feel like you just...used me!”
“I didn’t use you...”
She slaps me, and I hold my face, but say nothing to her.
“How could you do this?”
I just look at her, still holding my throbbing jaw. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah? Well so am I!”
She storms away, sobbing harshly, and I’m sure my momma will hear all about this within minutes. But there’s nothing I can do. I’ve made my mind up, and I have to stick with my decisions, show people that I have a mind of my own and I’ll live my life the way I want to. It’s how my Nanna always raised me up to be.
And I think she’d be proud of me, if she were here.
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