“Tell me again why we’re here?”
“It’s something fun to do.”
He rolls his eyes. He’s not feeling this dance, not at all. It’s a world away from the posh night clubs and chic lounges he frequents. This thing is inside of a dusty old dance hall, and the music of choice is mo stly bluegrass and country rock...not Raegan’s thing. It’s not really mine either, but I’m not here for the music.
I tried so hard to push him out of my head, on the way back to hotel and when I was back in the room, sorting through my mothers sack of goodies from today. Somehow though, my mind kept drifting back to him, to his little boy. I wanted so badly to talk to him again, to catch up...to find out...if he still saw me in that way.
I decided that I couldn’t stay away. I had to see him again, and then I remembered that dance that was mentioned to me. The one I was invited to for finding Ben, and I decided I needed to go. In my hurry to prepare myself, I completely forgot that Reagan had decided we go out tonight, and he came knocking at the door just as I was about to slip out while my mother was in the shower. He asked me if I was ready, and what could I do? I didn’t want to go to the place he’d picked, but I didn’t want to bring him back to Wytheville either.
“There’s this dance back in Wytheville.” It slipped out before I stopped myself. “I....I was hoping we could go. I think it’ll be nice.”
He didn’t seem very enthusiastic, and I hoped he would have ditched me instead, but in the end he agreed to take me, because he wanted to spend the night out with me.
It hasn’t helped the guilt at all, having him here, and I know it’s going to be awkward when Justin and Raegan finally get to meet each other. The situation is already awkward enough for me. As it is, the girl that I’m certain Justin is dating was at the door, handing out pamphlets that talk about her brother’s illness. She was accepting five dollar admission fees, but recognized me and let us pass, not without giving me a sideways glare, warning me not to cause any trouble tonight.
I have to know though.
I have to know why this thing with Justin won’t go away, why he keeps popping up in my life and I keep popping up in his, and I won’t feel right going home unless I know for sure that we don’t have any real feelings for each other. Raegan, unfortunately, was an unexpected tag along, but I’m running with it. After all, he’s not really my boyfriend...
Just some guy that I’m now sleeping with.
I sound like Sandra, and if she knew what was going on right now, I’m convinced she’d book the first flight out here to see all the action unfold.
At least she’ll be proud of me when I get back to the city.
“I gotta take a piss.” Raegan says it miserably, and doesn’t give me a response before he wanders away in search of a bathroom.
Okay, I’m being ridiculous, like some little teenage dreamer chasing after her favorite celebrity. I knew this wouldn’t work, and really, if I have an ounce of consideration for his feelings I’ll tell him we should leave as soon as he comes back.
But then I see him.
He’s not in that plaid button down shirt and jeans combo I saw him in earlier. He’s cleaned himself up, put on a dress shirt, tie, and black slacks to match. His shoes are formal, but scuffed, probably because it’s the only pair he can afford at the moment, and his arm isn’t around Lacey. She’s nowhere to be found at the moment, in fact. He’s standing with a young couple instead, their conversation filled with laughter. Friends of his, I’m sure.
I shouldn’t stare, this isn’t the bookstore.
I try to look away, but I can’t. Just like the bookstore, he’s captivated me from the very moment I set eyes on him. Eventually, he feels it, notices me as he turns his head to find out who is stalking him.
And he smiles.
I look away. God, how embarrassing. He’s with his friends and family, and the last thing I want to do is cause trouble.
I should leave. Where the hell is Raegan?
“Hey.”
It took him all of thirty seconds to break away from his group and come over to me. He’s staring into my eyes as he awaits my response, but if anything, he seems overjoyed that I bothered to show up. “Hey.”
“I didn’t think you’d come to this,” he chuckles.
“Me either.”
He looks around me for a few seconds. “Did you come by yourself?”
“Well I...”
“That bathroom is disgusting...oh...hello.”
Raegan.
I look up at him, and he’s staring at Justin, perplexed, like he’s invading my space. I’m sure he thinks Justin is some guy that’s come to hit on me, and he’s not entirely wrong. “Um, Raegan...this is Justin.”
The confusion doesn’t leave his expression. He continues to stare at Justin, but his face is getting red, and his frown is growing into an angry sneer.
“I’m a friend of Esme’s. I used to live in New York.” Justin says it brightly, with a hint of smugness and sticks is hand out for Raegan to shake. “I didn’t know she was dating anybody.”
I don’t meet his eye line.
“Raegan Benter,” he says quietly, and it takes him a moment to return Justin’s handshake, but he does it, because he’s a professional. “I guess now I know why Es seemed so excited to come to Wytheville.”
It was a shot at me, even though he isn’t looking at me. I feel my cheeks burning, and I want to leave...right now.
“Excited, really?” Justin smiles. “Were you?”
I just shrug.
“I think we should talk.”
Lacey comes up to us, and she looks horrible. Her eyes are all red, and the makeup running down her face is a dead giveaway that she’s been crying for a while now. They must have fought. Perhaps they broke up, or...were trying to. But Lacey doesn’t seem like the type of girl that will go down without a fight. She’s glaring at me too. It’s obvious that she doesn’t trust me around her boyfriend, and if she knew the reality of it, she’d probably throw me out of here.
“Lacey...” Justin begins, with a heavy sigh.
“Please, baby,” she whimpers. “I’m sorry about...what I did.”
“I um...I better go.” Justin decides, with a regretful sigh. “You two enjoy yourselves, all right?”
“Yeah, we will.”
He’s lead away quickly, into the mass of people on the dance floor. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, the same one I felt when I walked out of his apartment that night in New York. The one that tells me I need to try a little harder, because Justin is important.
It’s not fair.
“You get that all out of your system now?”
Raegan sounds angry, and when I look at him, I can tell he’s furious. “I wasn’t...”
“Give me a break. You wanted to come here to see him, didn’t you?”
“I...no. He’s just a friend.”
“That’s bullshit, Esmerelda.”
I swallow hard, and look down at the ground. He’s not stupid.
“You know...I thought...I really thought that you were starting to like me,” he laughs, bitterly. “Especially after the other night.”
“I was drunk, Raegan. You took it out of context.”
He steps closer to me, his hands on his hips. “Did I? Or were you just leading me on?”
“Raegan...”
“Fuck...nevermind, let’s just go. I should have known better. I knew it.”
He storms away from me and a moment later he reaches the door, and bangs through it.
Just great. I may not be in love with the guy, I may not like him all that much, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I know I need to go out there and talk to him, calm him down and tell him that while we had fun, I was never really serious. I need to try and apologize, because I’m sure my mother is going to have a conniption once he tells her what I’ve done.
At the same time though, I don’t want to leave. Not now. Not when I have such good eye candy.
I sound like a fuckin’ stalker.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m the bad guy. I guess I am. I hurt a family friend and I’m almost ready to stay here for my own selfish desires. What am I doing? This isn’t right. I’m going. I am.
I strut across the dance hall, almost certain that I pass Justin’s mother on the way, sitting with a bunch of other ladies. They’re whispering and sending strange looks my way as I pass by, but I pretend not to notice. I reach the door just as the songs begin to change, and push it open, the tears threatening to come streaming down my face.
“Now, you weren’t really going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?”
It’s him. Why does it have to be him right now, here, when his family, friends, not to mention his girlfriend are watching his every move? I want to keep moving, but when I feel his hand on my shoulder, I find that I can’t. I’m trapped, and I have to turn around and look at him. My eyes automatically meet his. They’re vibrant tonight, full of laughter after what I know has probably been a long day for him.
“I think it’s better this way,” I say, gently. “I already made the situation awkward enough.”
He laughs slightly, looks down at the floor and shoves his hands in his pockets before meeting my gaze again. “I don’t know if you really understand...when I moved to the city, none of the people here were all that supportive. I don’t care what people think, Es. But I do care that you’re basically running out on me, when we’ve barely had a chance to talk.”
“We’ve never had a chance to really talk.”
“I know.”
“What about your girlfriend?”
“I don’t know.” He says it honestly. “I was sure about her yesterday, when you weren’t here. I told her about you just now, and about how I might feel. I didn’t want to hide it, because I respect her. You...seeing you, has made me realize some things. Now...I’m not so sure my life has to be this way, you know?”
“What way?”
“Like my parents planned for it to be. It’s like, the minute I was settled, my father was ready to make me his right hand man while my momma went to work, setting me up with my old girlfriend again. Besides Ben, they’re trying to make it as if I never even left.”
“Is that so bad?”
“It wasn’t horrible, but then...you showed up. You’re not like everybody I grew up with. It’s different out there, in your world, Es. I guess you kind of jolted me awake, and made me realize why I decided to leave here in the first place.”
I realize what I’ve done, and I’m not sure if it’s the best thing. Justin was settled here. Ben was fine, his parents had completely accepted the situation, and were working on making him comfortable again. Until today, they were happy he was home, and more than willing to turn him back into the man they always intended. I don’t know if that’s fair. Justin, I know, has always been a little more free spirited...beyond a small town. He was meant to do something, and if Ben wasn’t around, I think his life would be very different. “But Justin, what about Ben?”
“If my finances were more secure, I’d pack us both up tomorrow. You know I can’t do that, at least...not on what my father is paying me. It’ll take a long time to save up enough to leave here again, and I don’t know if I can rip Ben away from all of this once he’s established friends and a routine here. It wouldn’t be fair, and he’s always come first with me. For now, I’m just concentrating on saving up enough to move off my family’s farm. At least that way, I won’t have to do something I hate every day.”
“So you’re just going to stand by...let your dreams go?”
“I have to. But if...if I have to, at least let me dance with you so we can say goodbye properly. It would mean a lot to me, unless your boy there...”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I blurt out. “He’s a family friend that...I guess I made a mistake with.”
“He looked a little to suave to be the one for you,” he laughs. “So...how about it?”
He’s holding his hand out, and I stare down at it. He’s still wearing that watch. The one with the tattered leather strap, and I have to laugh slightly. “Are you ever going to get a new watch?”
“Oh...” He glances at it and smirks. “It’s sentimental. My grandmother gave it to me before she passed away. It was her fathers. She was...special. You remind me of her a little bit, actually.”
“Me?”
He grabs my hand and pulls me close to him before I have a chance to escape. “Yeah. You’re creative, and smart. She was like that too. I think, if it wasn’t for her rubbing off on me, I wouldn’t be this way....writing and everything. She used to critique all of my stuff. I haven’t let anyone read my writing since her.”
“Hm.” I smirk slightly. “I’d be honored if you’d give me a chance to see it.”
“Well, maybe I can change things.” He smiles at me. “I’m always looking for a good editor. I think you’d do a good job. You’re really good at focusing.”
We both laugh.
He’s pulling me out to the dance floor now, and I can’t stop him, despite the fact that all eyes are on us right now. It’s a small town, and while I didn’t grow up in one, I can tell that this is probably the biggest thing that’s happened since Justin’s homecoming. Still, I don’t pay attention. Time has seemed to stop, because he’s gripping me gently by the waist right now, and staring right into my eyes as a new song begins to play. I feel like I’m in the middle of some fantastic dream, like I’ve had in the past, starring him.
But this is no dream.
“I wanted to write you,” he continues as we dance slowly together. “But I was...scared, I guess. I was scared that I’d get your email and I’d miss you even more than I already did. You know...I’ve tried not to, but you’re basically all I’ve thought about, and I’m not sure I understand why.”
It dawns on me that I’m not as crazy as I thought. While I’ve thought about him, always, he’s been doing the same thing. It hurt him too much to write, because of how far apart we were, and knowing him a little better now, seeing the type of person he is, allows me to understand. I think it’s the thing with his grandmother. I can tell they were very close, and losing her might have caused him to push most people away, cover up his feelings, and being away from me was too much for him. “I’ve thought about you everyday.”
He smiles and reaches his hand up to caress my face. “Do you think this is crazy?”
“Yeah.” I put my hand up to his, so he’ll keep it there, on my cheek. “But I don’t want you to stop.”
Then he kisses me, just like he did that night in his apartment, but it’s even more powerful this time. He’s not scared of me anymore, even if his family and friends, and Lacey are all able to see how he feels. This is what he wants, and...I know it’s what I want too.
“You’re in trouble,” I laugh, after we finally break apart.
“I know. You wanna get out of here?”
I stare at him, at a loss for words. I know I have no idea what the night will bring, if I’ll wake up in his arms, or I’ll be calling a taxi to take me back to North Carolina because things didn’t work out. It’s a gamble, but so was hoping that he’d notice me every Friday at three fifteen.
“Let’s go,” I smile.
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