“You’re a hundred short.”

“I know that.”

She lets out a disappointed sigh, and plops down across from me at the kitchen table.  “Well what am I supposed to tell them?”

“Can’t your folks spot it? Just this once?”

“No.”  Her eyes narrow and she sends me an angry glare.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, inhale and exhale, before I continue.  “I’ll get you the rest.  I’ll pick up a shift or call my folks, and give you extra next Friday.”

She shakes her head.  “They already told me, Justin.  They told me no more IOU’s.  What am I supposed to do if they won’t let him come back?  You know how important it is that he goes.”

“Da. Daa. Daaaaa.”

I pick him up and put him on my lap, smiling slightly, before kissing him on the cheek.  “There’s nothing I can do.  I didn’t get that much this week.  Overtime isn’t that easy to come by these days and I have my own bills to cover too.”

“He should come first.  I wish I could put him second but I’m saddled with him.”

“Saddled?” I scoff.  “Do you even know how hard I work so you don’t have to?  So you can go out and party with your fuckin’ girlfriends every weekend while I take care of him?”

“He screams and I don’t know what he needs, because I can’t talk to him!  Hell, if I could afford it, I’d ship him off to that boarding school myself!  But I can’t afford it, because I can’t get a real job, my family still won’t accept him, and you...you just...can’t amount to anything, can you Justin?  Working that stupid job, like you’re going places, while I just...suffer.  I’m tired.  I didn’t ask for this.  I don’t know how much longer I can do it.”  She puts her face in her hands and starts to sob.

Jesus.r32;

“Spare me.  You’ll do it, you’ll try, because it’s not his fault.  It’s ours.”

It takes her a minute to pick her head up and send me a hateful glare.  “You could have used a condom, idiot.  Then we wouldn’t have to worry about it.”

I laugh at her, put my son down, and get up.  “I’m not doing this tonight.  My week has been too long.  Is he ready?”

“His shit is by the door.”

“Then I’ll see you Sunday night.”

She doesn’t say anything, just turns her back on me.

“Tory, I know we’re not together, but we still need to be a team.  He needs us to be one.  If you’d just come to the classes with me...”

“I’m not taking a fucking class, Justin.  I need you to pay for the school, that’s all I ever asked you to do.”

I sigh.  “I’ll see you Sunday.”

She doesn’t say another word.  It pisses me off.  She doesn’t take it seriously, just expects me to handle it so her life can go on, unaffected.  If I didn’t have to work so much, I’d just take him off her hands, but I can’t do that.  I have no family here to help me, and her family, well, that’s another story.  

“Hey Ben.” I crouch down and smile at him as he stands in front of the TV, staring at the cartoons moving around on the screen intensely, and I know he’s trying to figure out what’s going on.  Poor kid.  “Hey.”  I tug on him gently, and eventually he looks at me, smiles, because he loves me.

“You hungry?” I sign out the words as I say them.  I’m getting pretty good at it.  That class is a godsend and I wish I would have started taking it sooner.

He smiles and nods his head rapidly.

“Let’s get a cheeseburger.” I stand up and take his hand that he’s extended out to me.  We walk out of the apartment, not looking back at the miserable woman we leave behind.

Weekends are the best part of everything.  Even though the weeks are hard, the work is grueling, I manage it all somehow for him.  I go to class religiously now, every Friday at two o’clock.  Then at three I get an hour, maybe a little less, to myself before I have to go pick up Ben.  Just to myself from about three fifteen to four o’clock.  It’s solitude, bliss.  Just me, my iPod, and a good book.  I cherish it, use the time to abuse a little bookstore a couple of blocks away from my class.  I never buy a thing, but the girls behind the counter don’t seem to mind.  They let me read for free, and I don’t think they realize how much of a blessing they’ve bestowed upon me.  I certainly don’t have money to be throwing away on a book.

One day though, I’ll be able to buy whatever I want, or so I hope.

My job isn’t shit, it’s just a lot of work for not a lot of pay.  I’m a mail room clerk at the Daily News, and sometimes I do work on the side for a few of the journalists upstairs.  I go over their articles before they submit them to the editor, for a small fee.  Most of the time, I get a smile and a big thank you from the parties involved.  Often, I’m asked why I never went to school for journalism, because I’m a good writer.

But I did go to school.  

Things just...didn’t turn out like they were supposed to.

I met Tory freshman year.  I had my whole life ahead of me, got a scholarship to NYU, left my family behind in Virginia to pursue a new life in New York City.  I was so determined then, convinced that I was going to graduate, go on to win a Pulitzer.

But all I really did was get my girlfriend pregnant, and ruin my chances at a bright, rich future.

Of course, I don’t blame Ben.  I love him more than anything else in this world.  He was just a little unexpected and...the rest of it...the rest of it was really unexpected.  But I’m a smart guy.  I’ve been determined to cope with this thing for the last couple of years, now that Ben is older...now that I understand things better.  I’m doing it.  I have to, because Tory refuses.  I know I’ll make it.

Tory isn’t one to go out of her way.  She would have been fine with raising a normal, healthy child, but not one like Ben.  She has no patience, has no interest in learning to cope with his disability.  It’s too much for her.  I guess...I guess she’s too young.  So am I, but I was raised differently.  My family owns a farm and I grew up with a strong work ethic and compassion for others instilled in me by my parents.

Ben is completely deaf, and has been that way since he was born.  It’s not the end of the world, but it might as well be to her.  She claims she has no time to learn how to sign, but I know that it’s a bunch of shit.  She’s just lazy, and   I guess...angry, that she’s had to sacrifice her social life for a kid with special needs.  We’ve agreed he can’t be left with a sitter.  It wouldn’t be fair to Ben.  He’s scared of strangers.  He can’t communicate with them that well.  That’s what the school is for.  It’s one of the best in the country, but it comes with a hefty price tag.  Of course, in the beginning, before he was born, I told her she had a choice, but she was naive then.  She thought having a kid would be fine, that we’d work it out.  We were together then.

But our relationship quickly fell apart six months after Ben was born.  We both knew he was different, although we weren’t sure why at first.  It put a strain on us that we never came back from.

When they told us what was wrong, I think that’s when things took a drastic turn.  She wasn’t the same, she was making me fucking miserable and her family was too.  They’re rich socialites, who resent me for ‘ruining’ their daughters future.  They refuse to help pay for Ben’s expensive school, and actually, they practically refuse to accept him at all.  My family is a lot different.  They love Ben, send me money when they can, and would love to help out more, but they’re far away, and I’m determined to make things work here in New York, move my way up at the paper and get a real position one day.  Go back to school when I have the money and get my degree finally.

Things are just...slow right now, that’s all.

I take my son down to a diner close by my apartment.  It’s routine.  We’re here every Friday night by six, the latest.  Ruth, an elderly waitress, approaches our booth once we’re seated and smiles down on us.

“Hello, dear,” she says with a bright smile.  “How’s your week?”

“Could be better,” I smile up at her.  “But it could be worse too.”

She nods, her eyes telling me she feels sorry for me, but she’d never say the words.  “And how is Big Ben?” She smiles, ruffles his hair, and gets a smile out of him.  “He’s getting so big.”

“I know.  Five going on twenty five,” I smirk.  “We’ll take the usual, plus a chocolate shake.”

“You got it.”  She winks, as usual, and walks away to get our order.

Ben busies himself by playing with a toy car up on the windowsill and I take the opportunity to pull out an article somebody gave me to edit, and work on that for a few minutes.  I can’t stay focused on it though.  Too much is on my mind, and I’m too tired.  I know what I really need is a good nights sleep.  I don’t sleep well though.  I’m too worried about how I’m going to pay for everything, how I’m going to continue to better my life and my sons life, and deal with Tory and her shit every single week.

It’s enough to drive me insane.

Then I look at my son, and everything seems to just...make sense again.

“Here we go.”  Ruth comes back then, and plants all of the food in front of us.  Ben’s cheeseburger and fries are made up the way he loves, a ketchup smile face and french fries made up to look like hair.  He giggles in that muffled way he does, and it gets me to smile.  

“Thanks.” I give her a grateful smile as she splits up the shake between me and my son.  She rubs my shoulder consolingly, the way only a mother can, and I’m sure she has a few grandkids of her own.  In a way, she reminds me of Gram, and I wish she were here.  I know if she were, things would be a hell of a lot easier.

But she’s not here.

My family has begged me to move home, they tell me that they can take care of us both, but the thing about that is, I know Tory would never let it happen.  Not because of her love for Ben, but because she’s been determined to make my life miserable ever since we found out that our son was deaf.

It’s like she blames me.

And maybe, if I’d been a little smarter, thought about the future, none of it would have happened.  At times, I think...maybe she’s right.  Maybe everything is all my fault.  I didn’t think and now Ben is paying the consequences.

But if I had used my head, I wouldn’t have him at all, and to be honest, if I could go back in time, I’d still make the same choices, because Ben isn’t a regret, or a mistake, or a burden.

He’s my life, and he always will be.