“Gone?”
“Yeah. Back to her folks.”
Ben whimpers because he’s cold and I hold him closer to my chest, pull the towel snug around his little body and kiss his forehead, adjusting the phone against my ear so it doesn’t fall.
“Honey, I want you to come home. This has gone on long enough. We’re all ready to help. You know that.”
I sigh, close my eyes. I don’t want to. I know I don’t. I want to make things work here, so my dream of being a journalist can come true. But I don’t think I have that option anymore. Moving home might be my only option now, because Tory has washed her hands of the two of us, moved back in with her parents under the strict circumstance that Ben and I won’t be a part of her life anymore. I found out the hard way, after the bookstore, Friday. I took the subway to her place, like I always did, but when I got there, I found Ben sitting with a young girl from a few apartments over and she seemed more than thankful to be rid of him, said she’d been stuck with him since the night before. I gave her a twenty, thanked her, but she didn’t return it. She just walked away.
Naturally, Ben was screaming, freaked out from being left with a stranger overnight and most of the following day. It took me forty five minutes to calm him down before I could even open the letter Tory left behind, and even then, it was only because he’d fallen asleep. I wanted to get him out of there as soon as I could, but I had to pack him up, had to get things in order. Had to find out why Tory thought the best solution was to walk away from him without giving me a call first.
I tore open the letter, my heart racing, the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I was furious with her, and I was on the brink of my sanity. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do without her. She was Ben’s childcare Monday through Friday. I knew I couldn’t afford day care, and without that...there was no way I could continue to work at the News.
The words you’re screwed, replayed themselves in my mind.
Justin,
My parents have agreed to give me a second chance. One without Ben, and it’s the only option they’re giving me. I never intended on abandoning him, but I don’t understand him, and honestly, I don’t have the time or the patience to learn how to take care of him. You’ve always been good at that, and so, I know this is the right choice for all of us. I know you can take care of him. My father is getting a lawyer. I’m forfeiting all rights to Ben, and leaving you sole custody. You should get those papers in a week or so. Please don’t come looking for me, please don’t call, and please don’t harass my parents. This is the way things have to be, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better mother for him.
I know you’ll do the best you can.
Tory
That was it. She was sorry. She knew I’d do the best I could. She didn’t give a shit and she never had. I crumpled the letter, swore, and threw it across the room before I remembered my son was still there. He was awake then, staring at me, in tears, obviously scared. I tried not to do things like that in front of him if I could help it. I signed out an ‘I’m sorry’, and he seemed to accept that. Then I packed up his essentials, and took him back to my apartment.
I haven’t looked back, and I haven’t been to work, since.
It’s been two weeks. My rent is overdue, I haven’t paid the bills this month so Ben could continue to go to school on whatever money I had left in my checking account. My basic cable is shut down, and the electric company called, told me I need to give them something in a week unless I want to be in the dark.
I’m desperate. I have no idea what I can do, other than go home. Today is the day that I broke down and called my mother. I never do, if I can help it. I don’t like asking my parents for help. I’m one of six kids, the oldest, and my youngest brother and sister are still in high school. They have enough to worry about, saving for their college tuition, and so, I usually keep to myself unless I’m extremely desperate.
This would count as one of those times.
“I want to make things work here,” I say, softly. “I really do, mom.”
“I know you do. But you have to think about what’s best for Ben. You can’t afford those expensive day cares in the city, darling. I know you can’t. Please, just consider coming home. We’ll get you both plane tickets. Your father says you can come work for him.”
I sigh, pull Ben closer to me and rock him slightly as he stares at the wall. “I guess I’ll consider it.”
“We can spare a couple of hundred dollars,” she tells me. “What can I pay for in the meantime?”
I press my lips together. I’m thankful, but I feel terrible accepting it from her. “The electric.”
“I’ll call the payment in for you.”
“Thanks, ma.”
“All my love baby.”
“Bye.” I hang up, put the phone down on the edge of the tub, and sigh.
“Da.” Ben points to his mouth, signs ‘I’m hungry’, and it gets me to smile for him.
“Clothes first.” I say and sign,before hoisting him up in my arms and pushing myself to my feet again. I carry him into the bedroom, which is also mine, because there’s only one, and I help him get some clothes on. Then I brush his hair, and get his velcro sneakers on before taking him by the hand and leading him out of the apartment.
Sure, I’m broke, but I can’t resist taking him to the diner for his favorite cheeseburger. I won’t eat, but at least he will.
“Justin you look terrible.” Ruth huffs when we get seated in the booth. “What’s going on with you?”
I smirk at her. “Nothin...just tired.”
She narrows her eyes at me. I can’t get anything past her. She’s a mother. She knows a lie when she sees one. “Tell me.”
I stare at Ben, happily playing with the action figure he chose to take with him, oblivious to the issues I’m having. Sometimes, I’m grateful that he can’t hear anything. It shields him from more than he’ll ever know. “Tory left...I have to work, but I have nobody to watch him, so I can’t. He has school, but his sessions end at eleven. The News needs me until five except on Fridays when they let me out at one. I think I have move back home.”
“Oh, dear.” She sighs, and sinks down beside me in the booth, putting that consoling hand on my shoulder that I’ve come to treasure so much over the couple of years I’ve been coming to this place. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”
I nod, and suck in a breath. “We’ll be okay. My family is great...they just live in the sticks. There’s no opportunity to be a journalist there unless you want to write the Farmers Almanac.” I try to smile but I fail, feel a tear on my face, and rub it away harshly.
I can’t let my boy see me cry.
“Maybe just move back for a year, save some money, and then come back.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. If I move there, it’ll be for good. I can’t move Ben back and forth like that, and I doubt my parents would appreciate it. They didn’t want me to stay after he was born, but I was determined to make things work.”
“I can ask my granddaughter if she’d like to watch him a few days a week,” she suggests with a smile. “She loves children.”
“Ben doesn’t do well with most strangers. I really appreciate it though,” I nod. “Maybe it’s for the best. He’ll be with my family, they love him, and the school for the deaf in Virginia is a lot less expensive than it is here.”
She sighs. “I understand, dear.”
I just smirk, and look down at the placemat, wishing like hell that I wasn’t so helpless. Then I just...break down. I hate myself for it, but I’ve been on the brink of this for a long time, and Ruth...she’s like family. She’s the only person I’ve ever opened up to besides Tory since Ben was born. The only person I consider a friend, mostly.
Although, I’d love to get to know Esmerelda at the book store a little more.
I barely have time to think about anything besides Ben lately, but sometimes, at night, when he’s asleep and I have a few minutes to myself, my mind drifts to her. To her long blonde hair, those green eyes, and that quiet, sneaky little demeanor of hers. Of course I always knew she stared at me when I went into the store, but I’m sure she didn’t know that whenever a customer would distract her, I would take the opportunity to stare at her.
I think if my life wasn’t so complicated, I might be able to ask her out to dinner.
I think I should at least say goodbye, if nothing else.
“Shh, honey.” She rubs my back gently, and kisses my cheek like my Gram used to when she was alive. “Things will work out for the best. They always do, in the end.”
I nod, and sniffle, rub my face with my hands. When I clear my vision, I find that Ben is staring at me, his expression perplexed, because he doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. “Can you get him a cheeseburger the way he likes?” I whimper. “Nothing for me.”
“I’ll get you both something,” she winks.
“I can’t...”
“You hush.” She gets up and give me a scolding look.
It’s the only thing that makes my emotions ease up a little. At least somebody here cares about us.
I’ll miss her.
“Do you want to go stay with Grandma?” I say and sign it to Ben, who seems to light up at this. He doesn’t get to see her much, but I can tell how close they are when she’s able to visit.
“Yes, when?” He signs, excitedly.
I smile sadly. “Soon.”
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