“It’s so exciting.” Sandra smiles. “I’m so happy for you. You’re finally getting out of this dump.”
It’s bittersweet. While she’s excited that I’m moving up in the world, she knows what this means. It means I won’t be here to gossip with her for eight hours a day anymore. It means she’ll be left alone with Maude from now on, until she decides to hire somebody else to take my place.
While we’ve never admitted it to each other, I know we’ve become the very best of friends over the past couple of years.
I don’t usually make friends, either, and it’s probably why I feel so damn...sad.
It’s Friday. The last one I’ll be working in the shop. On Monday I’ll start my new position at Manhattan Public Library, as a true librarian. I’ll also be in charge of the senior book club there, so they say. They’ve heard about the work I do at the Senior Center, and they want me to implement that with their senior members. I’ll assemble book clubs based on individual interest, hold luncheons for them, and bake sales, things like that. I’m such a dork, but I’m so excited about it. Those are the things I love to do, help people, make them feel a little bit special.
Maybe it’s because nobody makes me feel special in my personal life. But I don’t have time for dating anymore. I’m too busy.
It’s been three weeks now, and Justin hasn’t shown his face in the book shop. I’d be concerned, but honestly, I don’t know him like that. Sandra says he probably changed his plans, or maybe his son started doing something new. “That’s what kids do, change your schedule,” she told me. “My sister complains about hers all the time.”
It’s still disappointing though, the thought that I’ll never get a chance to talk to him again. Of course, Sandra has reassured me that if he happens to show up, she’ll forward on my info so he can find me. I tell her she’s nuts, that he doesn’t care and he never has. He gave me something to look forward to at the end of every week, but once I talked to him, I realized he had a lot more going on in his personal life than I thought, and there was no room in it for a silly woman who liked to stare at him every Friday afternoon.
The bell tinkles.
I look up at the clock.
Three fifteen on the dot and I didn’t even realize. But he’s there, walking casually through the door, like he hasn’t been gone for three weeks. The music isn’t blaring like normal though. No earbuds today. He’s clutching a small boy by the hand instead, and staring at me, like he came down here just to see me.
Sandra nudges me, and I glare at her.
“Hey.” Justin smiles a little and approaches the counter.
“H-hey.” I smile for him, genuinely, and look at the boy he’s holding by the hand. It must be his son. They have the same eyes, same curly light brown hair. He’s truly adorable. “Is this your son?”
“Yeah...Ben.” He looks down at him, and lets go of his hand, starts to sign to him. I read it as, ‘can you say hello?’
I took the course in college. I figured it could only help to learn, because deaf people frequent libraries just as much as anybody else, and I wanted to be able to help. I did well in the course, and I’m still fluent in sign even now. I use it often at the senior center. It’s helpful to some of them, that have lost almost all of their hearing.
Ben smiles a little, doesn’t quite meet my gaze as he signs out ‘hello it’s nice to meet you’. He’s shy, that’s obvious. I come around the counter, and smile down at him as I sign out ‘it’s nice to meet you Ben.’
The little boy smiles at me, not expecting to get that kind of response.
Justin stares at me, like he doesn’t know what to think. Obviously, I neglected to tell him I knew sign language, but I guess I was too...overpowered by the impure thoughts I was having about him here in the shop three weeks ago to bother then.
“You sign?”
“Yeah I...took the course when I was college,” I nod and lick my lips. “I wanted to implement it with my Library Science degree.”
“She’s just all around amazing, isn’t she?” Sandra speaks up. “Our little genius.”
“...yeah,” Justin nods. “Well I just...I was around so I thought I’d bring him by to thank you for the books. They’ve been great.”
“No problem.”
“Esme is leaving us,” Sandra speaks up before I can shut her up. “If you want more help you’ll have to consult the Manhattan Public Library.”
“Really,” he smiles. “Librarian Esmerelda?”
“That’s me.” I roll my eyes.
“Better than a dust bin like this, for sure,” he says, not without regret in his voice.
“Yeah.”
Awkward silence ensues, and soon enough, I realize that Sandra has left us by ourselves.
“I’m probably pathetic but I also came to say goodbye,” he tells me gently. “I know I don’t know you but...I don’t have any friends here, really. Coming here for a couple of months and reading for an hour every Friday was a huge vice for me. I really appreciate it.”
“You appreciate me staring at you?” I say, stupidly.
He laughs and shrugs. “I guess so, yeah. My mom always told me my good looks might get me somewhere one day.”
“Good looks, huh?”
He blushes. “Well, I’m just messing around.”
I nod. “Right. Where...where are you going?”
“We’re moving back to my hometown,” he tells me. “Things aren’t working out, so my parents are taking us in for a bit.”
“Oh.” My small smile vanishes to nothing in seconds. “Where’s home?”
“Virginia. My parents own a farm out in the sticks. The town is called Wytheville. I’ll get to ride a tractor, and shovel horse manure. It’s been my life’s ambition.” He rolls his eyes. “My father is ecstatic that I’m finally taking part in the family tradition, me...not so much, but Ben will be better off for it.”
I stare at him, press my lips together. Somewhere, deep inside of me, a voice is crying out to me, telling me to stop him from leaving. That he can’t leave because...because I haven’t been able to have dinner with him yet. That it’s not fair.
Christ.
“What were you trying to do in the city?”
“I was going to school for journalism five years ago, but I sort of...got carried away with the wrong girl.” He looks at his son, and smiles. “I got the best part of her though, I just couldn’t afford to go to school and provide for him at the same time, so I started working instead.”
“Where is she...” I trail off. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.”
He stares at me for a while, trying to read me, find out if it’s safe to talk to me. “It’s not a big deal, I can tell you. She’s gone. Done with us. I should have seen it coming. I guess I’m just thankful I have a supportive family to go back to. Otherwise, I don’t know what we’d do.”
I nod. It’s a lot to take in. He’s young. My age. He shouldn’t have the burdens of a single father. Shouldn’t have to kill his dreams because she decided to run out on them. It’s not fair. I can see something in him. Something good, that hasn’t been allowed to grow to its full potential.
I want to help him.
I wish I could.
The bell tinkles. Customers.
“Excuse me, I have an order...Living with Sexual Disorder.”
Justin stares at me, stifling his laughter, and I have to do the same. “Yes I have it, one second.” I walk down to the end of the counter for the hold, and when I look up, I find that Justin has followed me.
“You busy tonight?”
I stare into his eyes, wait for him to say, ‘just kidding’ but he never does.
Is he...is he trying to ask me out?
God. Mr. Sports Fiction himself. Somebody I’ve only dreamed about being alone with for months, and now that I’m getting my chance, I know he’ll just be gone in a week or less. Not fair. Not at all, fate.
I’m so angry with you.
“I...no...”
“You want to come to my place for dinner? I’m making meatloaf, mmm mm good.”
I stare at him, in disbelief.
“Miss? Is my book there?”
“Yes...yes right here.” I grab it, without giving Justin an answer, and go to ring up the customer.
He doesn’t leave though. He’s waiting for me to give him an answer.
“What do you say?” He pushes, when the customer exits.
“Why?”
He laughs at me. Really laughs, out loud, eyes closed, belly rumbling. “You’re not the only one who was staring, you know. If I have to move, I’d like to at least get one dinner with you before I do it. You’re not like most women. You seem different, and I like that.”
Now I’m just floored, and when I look toward the back of the shop, I see Sandra standing there, the duster at the floor by her feet, mouth hanging open, because she obviously heard what he said, and is about to have a cardiac.
“Only if it’s okay with Ben,” I whisper.
He smirks and looks at his son, signs out ‘should we have her over for dinner?’
Ben looks at me, questioning me with his blue eyes for several moments before smiling and agreeing. ‘Please come’ he signs.
I guess I don’t have a choice now.
“Sure, I’ll be there.”
“Great.” He flashes me that rare smile, and scribbles down his address. “Is seven okay?”
I just nod and take the slip of paper from him.
“It’s a date, then. We’ll see you tonight.”
Ben waves goodbye, and then they walk out of the shop together, back into the hustle and bustle of New York City.
“You need an outfit.” Sandra says, breathlessly, running back over to the counter. “Something...”
“It’s just meatloaf,” I say, trying to contain my excitement.
“Jesus Christ, Es, he’s the hottest guy that’s come around here in forever and he’s into you. You need an outfit. Maybe you can give him a reason to stay.”
Yeah, right, I think. Nobody like that is going to stick around for me, especially when there is a child involved.
But something inside just won’t let me give up. Not yet.
“I need an outfit,” I agree.
“Well, you've come to the right place.” Sandra smiles.
I’m not so sure, though, knowing her taste in clothing.
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