“It’s not going to be so bad. You’ll see. You got yourself a good, strong man.”
“I know.” I slide the valance into place on the rod, and position it in the window. It’s blue, like the walls are. Light blue with white bears in sailor suits. It’s the one thing Vance said he liked, and probably the only thing we agreed on when it came to our unborn son’s nursery. The room is an add on, and the initial construction was completed a month after he left. At first we were going to have the baby room with Layla, our five year old, but an inheritance from his grandfather changed all that. We were able to renovate the kitchen as well. Now our dismal house looks more like a home. One that I’m proud to be raising my children in.
It’s been eight months. Vance made me promise not to send him any pictures, because he wanted to be surprised when he came home. Up until last week, I couldn’t wait for him to see it all. Couldn’t wait for him to come home, and wrap his arms around me in a month.
Now I just...I don’t know what to think, what to expect. I’ve tried to stay positive, just be thankful that I still have a husband at all. My family and friends have been keeping me calm. They’ve told me these things happen, but that Vance is strong, that he’ll overcome the situation and be better for it.
The army officials that knocked on my door wouldn’t get into what the extent of his injuries were. They told me there was a mission and that Vance was badly injured, but he survived. Everyone tells me it’ll be okay, that he’ll be able to recover here at home with us, that he won’t be deployed again because he’s not...not capable of serving anymore. Vance never wanted to make career out of this whole thing, at least that was what he told me. He said he wanted to do his time so he could go to school and give us the lives we deserved.
But I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I don’t know anything at all, and while it should seem like all is well, that we’re going to have a lot of support...I’ve never felt so alone before.
“You feed Carl today, Taylor?”
“Shit.” I let out a little sigh and carefully step down off the step stool, bracing my back once my feet hit the floor. I’m eight months pregnant, and I can’t wait to get this kid out of me. “I didn’t get over there yet.”
“Well I’d say I would go do it for you,” my sister, Suzette, smirks. “But you know how Justin is about that damn dog. He’d probably smell my presence or something.”
The mention of his name gets a small smile to tug at my lips. Justin. All the names in the world to name a Boston Terrier, and he picked Carl, but then again, I know Olivia was a big fan of the name too. She was just like him, though. So much in fact that they took flack for it constantly...being called sickos, weirdo lovebirds, and the like.
But they didn’t deny it. They knew how perfect they were for each other, just like everybody else did.
That’s why...when she went, it was so hard for all of us.
Harder for me I guess...because she was my sister.
When Justin deployed, he made me promise to keep watch over Carl. He said I was the only one he trusted to do it, and I knew how much he was hurting. I couldn’t blame him. She hadn’t even been gone a month when he got called up for duty. Everybody told him he should have called in for personal circumstance, even Vance said he would cover for him, but I think he wanted to get away...so he could try to forget.
But I don’t think Justin could ever forget the love of his life.
I haven’t spoken to him since he left. He wrote me a letter, checking up on Carl, but he didn’t give much away. He talked a lot about Vance, probably because he knew I’d want to know what was going on. I knew though...I knew he was hiding so much from me, because I’ve known him since I was four, and he’s never kept anything from me.
But I also knew that Justin wasn’t the type of guy who liked to be pushed into describing his feelings, either. Actually, Liv was the only one who was really good at getting Justin to say what he felt, and I think I knew...from that first time he came over to take Liv to the movies when we were in the eighth grade, that she was the one for him.
“I’ll go do it. Could you just keep an eye on Layla for me?”
“Sure thing,” she smirks. “I’ll get supper started too. Momma and Daddy said they were going to drop by. They want to see the nursery all finished and Momma said she’d keep an eye on Lay so you can get yourself packed for tomorrow.”
I nod. “Good. That’s fine. I’ll be back in an hour or so.”
She waves a little as she walks away, and I crumple up the packages from the window treatments, and squish them into the plastic bag I received at the baby supply store. Then I stand back, and survey everything, smiling slightly because I like what I see. The girls at my shower spoiled me, that’s for sure, and my parents were more then generous, paying for a very expensive crib and furniture set. I was going to use Layla’s old stuff, but Momma said she wanted to do something special for me. I think it made her feel a little bit better, comforted I guess, since Liv was gone.
I miss her. So much.
I sniffle back the onset of tears. No time for that today, especially since tomorrow I’m sure I’ll shed more than my share of them. Instead, I hold my head high and head out of the house, making sure to check on my daughter beforehand. She’s planted in front of the TV with her Little Einsteins cartoons flashing across the screen, as she always is these days, playing with her toys and making little noises. I’d love to be able to plop right down and start playing with her, like I used to before things started getting hectic with my pregnancy and what happened to Liv.
After Ollie comes...I’ll have more time. I’ll make time. I have to.
I drive the fifteen minutes to Justin’s place. The one that used to be filled with so much laughter, and family, and happiness. It’s a world away from that now, with Liv gone and Justin having been away. It seems so empty, so eerie. Carl is the only thing that reminds me that there is a history inside the place, and when I glance around the walls and see them together..I feel that sense of family, of great friendship, rush back to me.
It’ll be good to see Justin. If anybody can help me keep my head together during a time like this, it’s him.
Carl runs up to the door when I unlock it and push it open, and I squat down, smiling at him as he licks my face. “Who wants a walk...who who?”
He barks.
I smile and go inside, and he happily follows behind me. I ignore the pictures on the walls, on top of the mantle, as I fasten Carl’s harness around him, and pick him up. We take a long walk around the neighborhood, and I make sure to pick up his number two business with the pooper scooper that’s been kept handy in the house since Carl was welcomed into the family. Olivia bought it as a Christmas gag gift for Justin, had Carl’s name imprinted on it and all. She was funny like that, quirky, but it made Justin laugh, and fall deeper in love with my sister.
They started turning a bedroom, the one at the very end of the hall, into a nursery in the beginning of the year. They were trying very hard to get pregnant, before Justin was deployed again, but she passed before that could happen. I don’t go in there. I’m scared of what I might see, about how upset I might get. I try not to go in any of the bedrooms, in fact. I don’t want to see Liv’s clothing, or any of her personal things, because I know Justin hasn’t touched them. He didn’t have time, and I know he was too grief stricken to start that process.
I hope that he’ll reach out for support when he feels ready to do that.
I get Carl back to the house, and feed him his supper, microwaved dog food...thirty seconds on high, in the fridge for one minute. Dog is spoiled rotten. I stop at the answering machine while he eats it, listening to the various messages and adding them to the list I keep for when Justin gets home. In the middle, the phone begins to ring, and I answer it, ready my pen to start taking yet another message.
“Timberlake residence.”
“Tay?”
There’s static a lot of noise in the background consisting mostly of loud shouts and machinery. I recognize where he is right away, because it’s the same sounds I hear whenever Vance calls. “Hey...Justin. Aren’t you supposed to be getting on a plane?”
“I am...I just...I was checking in. I called your house and your sister said you were at my place.”
“Oh.” I place the pen and pad down gently. “Well...I just walked Carl.”
He hasn’t called at all, and I’m curious as to why he would do it now, when he’s coming home tomorrow anyway. Vance and Justin are in the same company, same platoon, under the same lieutenant, and I’m sure that Justin was there the night that Vance got hurt. I want to ask him what happened, beg him to tell me, but I know that I can’t do it. Justin and Vance don’t talk about the field. It’s like some kind of code that they live by at all costs. I guess it’s more to protect the family...but something serious happened this time around.
“Hows my little bit?”
“He’s...okay...I think he misses you a lot.”
“And you? How’s that baby growing?”
“He’s getting bigger by the minute.”
I hear him laugh but then he sighs, and I know he didn’t just call to check up on Carl or me. Feeling bold, I decide to ask him the question that’s been itching to get out since I heard his voice. “How’s Vance?”
“He’s...hanging in...” Justin trails off. I hear more static, more shouts.
“Can you...can you tell me anything?”
“Vance doesn’t want me to say anything. Especially not to you.”
That means it’s bad. I know Vance better than anybody, and if his injuries were as simple as a couple of broken bones, I’m sure Justin would have came right out and said it. “Justin...”
The background gets quieter. “Listen, Tay. I...I shouldn’t be telling you anything, but you’re my best friend and I think you should know. I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days and the last thing I want is for you to be shocked when he gets wheeled off that airplane tomorrow. I think you should know what to expect. It’s only right.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and try my best not to whimper. I can’t cry. Not on the phone. I’ve trained myself not to do it, for Vance’s sake. “What is it?”
“There was a raid...we were trapped, me and two other guys,” he begins. “We took cover but we couldn’t get out of there. Our lieutenant sent another squad to find us and...Vance was part of it. He got us out of there but...but when we were running back to the humvee there was this big explosion. They said Vance must have stepped in a land mine or something...”
There’s a long pause, and I’m speechless.
“He...he’s burned up pretty bad, Tay.”
I hang my head low, and bite down on my knuckles. “How bad?”
“Bad.”
He doesn’t need to say anything else. I know how horrible it must be, and a miracle my Vance survived at all. “So I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Yeah. You will.”
More static, shouts.
“Taylor.”
“I’m here.”
“I...I’m sorry. I’m sorry he...he got it instead of me.”
“Justin, don’t say that.”
“Yeah,” he scoffs. “I guess I shouldn’t say it. I’ll talk to you, huh?”
“Yeah...”
Static, and then the line goes dead. I place the phone back on it’s cradle, the small picture beside it of Justin and Liv on their wedding day catching my eye as I slide down to the floor. He was happier then.
We all were.
I feel the tears gliding down my face, and I clutch my baby bump, knowing it will be the only comfort I have until I see my husband again, and even then...I know he’s not going to be the same man that left me eight months ago.
Story Notes:
I know, I shouldn't start a new story right now. This one hit me on the way into work one morning, so i figured i would start it and see where it goes. Hope you enjoy it.
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