I didn’t stay that long at the hospital, I guess because I’d been with Vance long enough and knew his family needed that time with him more than I did. After a couple of hours I bid my goodbyes to my in-laws, and told them I would be by on the weekend for supper. They were fine with that, told me to take care and get some rest, although my mother in law hesitated for a moment, gave me this look that asked ‘are you sure you’re okay?’
We haven’t talked about it...what happened to Liv. It’s too painful for me, and I know she’s still not over it. Her husband has a better grip on his emotions, but at the same time, he still has a business to run so he has to be that way. Behind closed doors I’m sure it’s a different story. Liv’s parents love their kids with every being in their body, more than I can say for my folks. Kicked out of the house at eighteen I left the old neighborhood behind and joined the military. A few months later I moved into a small apartment in downtown Memphis. I made a couple of friends in basic training that offered to split rent with me, so it worked out.
One of those friends was Vance, who, coincidentally enough, was dating my best friend at the time. I’d known Liv my whole life before that of course, we dated on and off again throughout middle school and high school but...something hit me when Vance started inviting me out for double dates with Taylor and Liv.
I got to know her all over again, the girl i’d always admired from afar when Taylor and I were playing in the backyard as kids, and the woman she had become. I guess we just fell for each other..harder than we ever had before, and after a year, we got married.
It seems like a lifetime ago, and I wish I could go back and relive it all again so I wouldn’t have to face what’s happening now.
I woke up this morning and I rolled over, smiling because I expected her to be there. It was the first time I slept home, with her gone. When I went to bed the night before, I stared at the empty spot, willing her to reappear for just a few minutes, give me some comfort. She never did though. I got up and took some NyQuil so I could pass out and forget. It worked I guess, because when I woke up and realized she was still gone, I actually cried.
It was the first time I cried since I found her that day on the floor. I didn’t cry at the funeral, or on the plane to Base. After that there wasn’t any time, and I forced it all away. But now there’s time. Too much time, in fact, and I have to learn to live with this...being alone.
It scares me, because I realize I have no idea how to make it without her. She did everything, cooked, cleaned, organized, and I just stood by and...and I loved her, and did whatever she asked me to. I tried to think of her routine as I walked around the first floor of the house this morning. I couldn’t stay upstairs...too many temptations. I didn’t want to see or smell her clothes, or go into the half finished nursery. As it is, our bedroom is still loaded up with the scent of her perfume. At first it was comforting, but now it’s making me sick to my stomach.
It’s Wednesday. Grocery day. She used to make a list, come up from behind me in the morning while I was eating breakfast, wrap her arms around my shoulders and ask me what I wanted from the store.
I shake the memory away as I head into the kitchen. I open the fridge...the freezer. Nothing. Nothing at all. I've been living off take out and dinner at my in laws, but I have to start doing for myself. What do I buy though? I can’t cook, this is a known fact. When I was living with the guys I ate Ramen Noodles seven days a week. It was only when Liv and I started dating again, that she started making me real dinners. I’ve never gone back but I guess now...I’ll have to. It’s either that or burn the house down, and I’d rather not destroy my home.
I hear Carl’s nails click clacking on the tile and I turn around and smile at him. He barks a little, sits down and whimpers. He’s waiting for his lunch, pissed because I wouldn’t get up to fix him his breakfast. Damn spoiled dog...but Liv wouldn’t have it any other way. “All right, all right.” I go to the cabinet and open his dog food, preparing it just the way he likes it before planting it down on the floor for him. He gobbles it up, and I put the plate in the sink. “Daddy has to go to the store.”
More whimpering.
“I’ll be back buddy.” I smirk, and pat his head, before grabbing my keys off the table and heading for the door. He follows me, as he always used to when Liv and I would be on our way somewhere. I wonder how he feels. If he misses her as much as I do.
But he’s just a dog.
I arrive at the store twenty minutes later. They’ve built up the shopping center since I left. The Crown Grocery got a face lift and by the looks of it, an expansion. Livy would be in her glory, while I know I’m just going to be lost in that huge store. Frozen TV dinners. Right. Load up the cart with a bunch of those, cans of soda, chips, and some beer, and leave as fast as you can.
I feel like I’m back there about to cross over into enemy lines, only this time, I’m sure I have no chance of being killed. It sticks with me...that...everything, how it felt, how it smelled, what it sounded like. How the fear could stick right to you, cling to you like some kind of virus, stay with you always, keep you awake in the night, taunt you with the sounds and horrors of war. The screams of injured, insane men, the horrid cries of the family members of those killed in the Taliban raids.
I wish I could say none of it came home with me. That I wasn’t a statistic, that I didn’t have to admit to myself that I came home from the war with a moderate to severe case of PTSD.
I wish I could, but I can’t, and even though I was told over and over again by my Sergeant to get some help as soon as I got home, I still haven’t. I’m still so...lost I guess. I’m not ready to talk to anybody. I haven’t even faced Liv’s passing head on...accepted it. It’s too much.
I’m alone in the battle. She’s not here to comfort me, calm me down when I wake up in a cold sweat, terrified from a dream. It’s just me, and an empty bed without her.
It’s only been a couple of weeks, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going. I have no idea.
Maybe I’ll sell the house, give Carl to Taylor and Vance, reenlist and make the military my career. Maybe it’s the best thing I can do for myself, to forget about her, about us, and how much I miss her. Otherwise, I might go insane before the end of the year and that just won’t do.
I do my best to push it all away as I venture deep into the grocery store. Pushing the rickety shopping cart in front of me, I wander up and down the aisles aimlessly, racking my brain to remember the things that Liv used to buy. But it’s like I’ve drawn a blank. It’s the first things to go...the little things. Even the sound of her voice is starting to become warped in my mind. Her laughter. It’s all fading away and there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Are you turning back into a bachelor already?”
I look up, find that I’m in the cereal aisle, and then I notice who said it to me immediately. Taylor is standing there, bracing her back with one hand to support the massive bump in the middle of her body that’s weighing her down. I see Layla behind her, sitting in the cart, lollipop shoved in her face to keep her quiet. Taylor’s cart is filled with real things, real shopping...for a hungry family. I see meat, cereal, pasta, sauce, mac and cheese, frozen vegetables, juice, but not much junk food at all. I look down at my own cart. Chips, beer, soda...I haven’t gotten to the frozen foods yet. “I um...” I trail off and laugh a little. “I’m trying not to.”
“I always knew that Liv was the cook,” she smiles as she comes over and peers into my cart. “But you can’t live on chips and beer, J.”
I shrug. “I’m about to hit the frozen food section. Those Hungry Man dinners are pretty good, right?”
She sighs and narrows her eyes at me. I know if it were anybody else, they’d just laugh and tell me good luck, but not her. We’ve always been a little closer, I guess because when we were growing up, we were the very best of friends. I always took a little flack from my classmates for admitting that my best friend in the world was a girl, but I never let it get to the point where I wouldn’t hang out with Taylor anymore. Somehow, we always managed to stick together, at least...until I started taking her sister out in middle school. We drifted slightly then. I started hanging out with the boys and she formed her own circle of girlfriends.
Right now though, it’s like we’re right back where we started. I haven’t seen her since the hospital, but she’s been calling almost every day, to check in on me. Part of me knows it’s what Liv would have wanted, and since the two of them were so close, I know Taylor would do anything to honor her sister’s memory.
“If you want to eat a pound of salt, sure.” She rolls her eyes, and sighs. “Come on, follow me. I’ll get you the right things, and damn it...you’re going to learn how to cook if it kills me.”
“Well I...”r32;r32;“Don’t even.” She narrows her eyes at me.
I see her then. I see Olivia standing there, narrowing her eyes at me. For the first time I realize how much Taylor looks like her sister. It literally paralyzes me for a few moments, my heart skips a beat, and I have to look away from her.
“Justin?”
“Coming.” I say it softly, and push the cart, following her as she waddles ahead of me.
“Vance is getting the bandages off his face Monday.” Taylor says it softly when we stop in front of the selection of canned soups. “They’ve been changing the dressings twice a week at the doctors office, and now they say he’s healed over enough to live without them, but I’ll have to apply some ointment to his face a few times a day. I guess...I guess it’s better. I know he’s uncomfortable that way. He’ll barely let Layla see him how he is, and she keeps asking when she can see her daddy again. I’ll be glad when we can just get back to...to normal.”
I look at her. She doesn’t believe it, that things will ever be normal again. She’s scared to see the devastation that the explosion caused. I know Taylor realizes that she won’t recognize her husband once she sees his face again, and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. If they’ll be able to work through the change. She’s used to Vance one way, and Vance is used to appearing to her one way. I know a lot of guys that have gone home with injuries and scars like that. Most of the relationships don’t make it past another year, not unless there’s a lot of strong will and determination. But I know Vance. I know how much Taylor and the kids mean to him, and that he’d do anything for them. Maybe they’ll beat the statistics. I hope so, because there should only be one broken household allowed in this family, and I’ve already claimed that spot. “How’s everything been...at the house?”
She shrugs. “Pretty quiet.” She picks up a can of soup, shows it to me, and I nod at the selection choice. Then she drops it into my cart along with a few more of the same. “He’s still in a lot of pain, and the medication makes him sleep for most of the day. We’ve talked here and there, but mostly about the baby coming and Layla. I don’t think...I don’t think he’s ready to talk about anything else.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Maybe you can come and see him. I think he needs a friend right now, and I know that...you understand most of the situation. How about you come to the house for dinner tonight? I’m making a roast. The family is coming, but we’ll still have enough to feed an army.”
A home cooked meal is something I haven’t had in a very long time. In Afghanistan, I was lucky if my dinner wasn’t coming out of a can every night of the week. At the same time though, I know Vance. He doesn’t want a pity party rained down on him. None of us do. He’s the type that needs to be alone with his thoughts, without me, even if I am one of his best friends. But Taylor seems so desperate, it’s like she needs this, and since she’s about to have the baby any week now, I don’t want to let her down, make her more upset than I know she is. I owe her that much.
It’s what Liv would have wanted me to do, too.
“Sure, Tay.” I force a small smile. “Sounds good.”
The expression on her face is filled with more relief than she cares to admit. I know that...that while she says it’s been pretty quiet at the house, I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t think Vance has been handling this well at all, and it’s not fair that Taylor has to put up with everything by herself. I casually drape an arm around her shoulders as she stands there, staring at the soup. “If you need help, I’m here for you. You know that right? Don’t try to do everything by yourself.”
“I’ve been doing everything by myself for too long.” She sniffles and finally turns to face me, her eyes glossed over with the tears fighting to break free. “I...I’m not really good at asking for help.”
I nod a little. “That makes two of us, but I’m gonna take a step out in left field and ask you to keep me from getting a beer belly and burning my house down from attempting to cook. Do you think you can?”
She laughs, forcing the tears to clear from her eyes, and I feel like I’ve done at least one thing right since I’ve been home.
“I think so, Timberlake.”
*************
“Taylor!”
I helped Justin fill the rest of his shopping cart with things that would actually keep him healthy, and we made a pact. I’ll go over to his house every Thursday night, and teach him how to cook something new so he can do it himself. It really is sad, how he can barely function on his own. I know Liv took care of him, of that bachelor that had lived his life on beer and Ramen Noodles before they started to get into a serious relationship . She really was the best cook out of all of us in the family. Even better than momma at some things, and I can understand why Justin never felt the need to learn how to make anything on his own.
That’s how Liv was. She loved to cook and keep her house, entertain her family, and bring out the laughter and goodness in everybody.
I wish I didn’t miss her so much, but I do, and I guess...looking out for Justin, in a way, is helping me keep her memory preserved.
“Taylor! I need...I need to use the toilet!”
“I’ll be right there!” I put the knife down on the cutting board, and wash my hands, drying them thoroughly before I rush out of the kitchen and down the hall. We’ve converted Layla’s playroom into a temporary bedroom for Vance for the time being. He can walk, but not very far. Stairs are completely out too, until he can start physical therapy anyway. He’s still recovering from his surgery, and he’s been laid up in bed all day, everyday, since then. I know it’s driving him stir crazy. Vance has always been about being active, going and doing, spending time with his daughter and with me. Being forced to stay in bed has made him grumpy, and I guess...everything that happened has made him miserable.
He knows the worst part has yet to come, and so do I.
The bandages covering his head are a protective barrier. He knows I can’t envision him...the new way, with them on. When he goes for his bandage changing, he won’t let me go in the room with him. I haven’t seen his face yet, even though it’s been a couple of weeks. For now, all I can picture his Vance the way he left me, with that handsome strong expression, and killer smile. It’s gone now. We both know that, but neither one of us has attempted to talk about it, or admit that our lives will never be the same after Monday.
Part of me, the worst part, wishes those bandages didn’t have to come off.
And that’s wrong.
I burst through the door, see him laying there, his face turned towards the window. It’s a nice day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the temperature is perfect. I sent Layla to my sisters, because I didn’t have time to take her out to play, and she deserved better on such a beautiful day. “Sorry baby,” I say, gently. “I was just fixin’ supper.”
“I couldn’t hold it.” His voice comes softly after a moment. “I tried.”
“It’s...it’s okay.” It’s not the first time, of course, but I know how humiliated he feels, even if I am his wife. “I’ll get you a fresh...a fresh one.”
It’s better than saying diaper, because that’s what he’s using right now. I walk swiftly over to the side of the room I keep all his supplies on. The new changing table my momma gave me for the baby has been turned into a temporary supply station for Vance’s needs.
“It’s number two.” His voice is softer this time, weaker.
“Don’t worry about it.” I grab a diaper, some wipes and gloves, before walking over to the bed. “I’ll fix you up.”
He doesn’t say anything to me as I gently pull his boxer shorts down, and help him turn on his side. He groans and whimpers in pain, and I do my best to soothe him, even though I can’t rub his back or any part of him. The burns have taken up almost all of his body, and if I touch him the wrong way, he’ll be burdened with even more pain. It’s killing us, not being able to touch like we’re used to. They tell us that in a few months, Vance’s body will start producing enough scar tissue that he won’t feel as much pain, and eventually...he’ll be able to live his life as if he was never burned at all. The only thing that he’ll have to live with is the scars, and according to the doctors, having them is better than being in pain.
But they’re not the ones who have to live with them.
“I’m taking it off.” I gently unfasten the diaper and carefully pull it off, tossing it into the step on trash can behind me. It doesn’t make me gag or anything. One thing I’m used to, is the smell of poop, and I’m an expert at changing diapers by this stage. I clean him up with the wipes, and get a fresh diaper on him as quickly as I possibly can without hurting him. “There.” I slowly pull his boxer shorts back up, before gently returning him to his original position. “All done.”
He doesn’t say anything, just stares up at the ceiling.
“Vance.”
“I’ll be fine.”
It’s what he always says, and we both know by now how big of a lie that is. “I um...invited everybody for supper. Justin said he would drop by too.”
“Why’d you do that?”
I sigh. “Because we need to start...living again, Vance. Don’t you think? The baby is coming. After that, people are going to be in and out all the time. I’m going to...I’m going to need help between Layla and the baby.”
“I know that, but how can you be completely fine with spoon feeding me in front of your family? I’m not ready for that step right now, and you know I can’t move my arms that well. I don’t want to be dribbling food all down myself, either.”
“They know what’s going on, Vance. They’re not going to think anything of it.”
“I’ll just eat when they leave,” he grumbles.
I know it’s hard on him, that I have to sit here every afternoon, every evening, feeding him like a baby. Once, he pushed me away, told me to let him do it himself, and so I did. I stood in the doorway while he attempted to put the food in his mouth. In the end, most of his dinner was in his lap, or smeared all over his bandaged face. He gave in, broke down and cried, realizing he needed me to do it. Of course I was there for him, got him through the moment, and he’s let me feed him ever since. But we haven’t had company since he got home. I’ll bring Layla to my mothers or my sisters house, and he’ll stay here, asleep after I’ve given him an early dinner. It’s the first time I’ve chosen to invite the family over, but I wanted to do it before the baby came so Vance could get used to it.
It’s obvious that doing this tonight isn’t going to be as easy as I thought. “Vance, baby...it’s the family. You have to get used to having people here at the house. I can give you dinner and they won’t...”
“Fuck Taylor! I said I don’t want them to see me like that! I’ve lost everything else but I’m not going to lose my God damn pride along with it!”
He screams it at me, and I take a few steps backward, bracing my back as my body finally collides with the wall.
It’s deathly quiet, for the longest time, and it takes everything in me not to start sobbing in front of him.
“I said I’ll eat later when they leave,” he reiterates. “All right? I’m...I’m sorry, Tay.”
“It’s okay.”
He looks out the window again, his chest rising and falling in a silent, but heavy sigh. I can’t say anything else, I just walk out and close the door behind me.
And it’s only then, alone in the hallway, that I let myself cry.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for reading everybody!
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