“You have to what?”
“I...I know this is a lot to take in, Mrs. Hoffstra. But you remember in the beginning, we discussed this being a possibility, don’t you?”
I sniffle, and nod.
He sighs slightly. “If we don’t do this, the infection will spread through his entire body and it will cause his organs to shut down. It’s just too badly infected. Originally we thought it would heal after the surgery and proper treatment, but it hasn’t improved enough, and it’s causing him a great deal of pain. The limb is useless as it is right now, and it will only get worse in the coming weeks. We don’t have a choice.”
I cover my mouth, and slowly plop down in a chair behind me, still gripping my daddy’s hand. Vance’s right leg is infected. There’s always been a concern from the beginning, but his surgeons were hopeful, told me they might be able to save it. But now...now they say that it’s too far gone to save. What didn’t I do? I followed all the instructions like they told me to, brought him to all his doctors appointments. I was so careful.
But now this.
He’ll never be able to run around with his son, or Layla. He’ll never be able to do all the things he dreamed of with our children.
And I thought the bandages coming off was going to be the worst thing for us.
I just...I don’t know if he can handle this.
I don’t know if I can either.
“Mrs. Hoffstra we need to amputate the right leg if your husband has any hope of living a better life,” the doctor says firmly. “Your husband has been briefed, and we’ve put him under. He understands that there’s no other option.”
I nod slightly, not bothering to wipe away the tears running down my face. “I...I understand...too.”
He nods at me, looks at my daddy briefly, and then retreats into the operating room.
I burst into tears.
“It’ll be all right, honey,” daddy whispers in my ear, as he rubs a soothing hand on my back. “Don’t you worry about a thing. Your momma and I will do whatever we have to, to get you and the children through this. I promise.”
He means it, but at the same time, his promise brings me no comfort. Things with Vance will go from bad to worse. The mood swings, the pain, and his depression. He won’t be my husband anymore, just a lump of a person, and I’m sure no matter what I do, he’ll make sure to shut me out, perhaps Layla too.
But I’m about to have a baby. How can I deal with Vance’s issues and take care of a newborn baby? Layla too?
I already know the solution. We’re going to have to move in with my parents, and that...that’s not something I ever thought would happen to our family. Vance was always so strong, so responsible. He even got laid off once, worked three part time jobs to make ends meet so I could continue to stay at home with Layla.
I miss that Vance. I miss him more than anything else in this world, and it hurts so badly to know that I’ll never see him again.
It’s like my husband is gone, and for the first time I can really feel it...the type of loss that Justin feels every single day now that Liv is gone. For the first time in years, I can connect with him on the level we used to when we were kids.
I’d give anything, not to be able to do that.
Daddy stays by my side right through the surgery. Eventually, momma comes with my sister and Layla, tries to stay strong for me, since daddy already filled her in by phone. My sister sits by my side, allowing me lay my head on her shoulder as I hold my daughter in my lap. All I can think about is what Liv would be doing if she was still with us. I smile a little through my tears because I can see her standing in front of us, telling us to buck up because Vance needs us all to be strong, and support him as if he were perfectly fine.
I know I need to do that. I need to do it for my husband’s sanity, but it’s so damn hard.
“Is he out of surgery?”
Justin is breathless, like he raced to get here. Things were so chaotic at the house when Vance had his breakdown, I didn’t even notice where Justin ended up. I’m assuming he had to take a few minutes, settle himself down, because he was just as unprepared for all of this as we were. That’s his best friend in there, and I know he feels guilty, probably guiltier now, even if he shouldn’t. “A nurse said they’ve finished up,” I say gently, not picking my head up from Suzette’s shoulder. “They’re going to move him into recovery after he wakes up from the anesthesia.”
He lets out a long breath, and takes a seat on the opposite side of me. “You all right?”
I sniffle. “I’ll be all right.”
“Uncle Justin,” Layla croaks.
“Yeah, Princess.” He flashes her a kind smile and runs his hand over her hair and down her cheek.
“Is daddy gone?”
“No, baby,” he whispers. “He’s not gone. He’s just hurt, but...you and I are gonna be like a team. We’ll help him get better together, right?”
“I can help,” Layla whispers, and leans her head back against my chest.
“That’s my good girl,” Justin says, gently.
I smile at him. He’s staying so calm right now, so strong for my daughter and I guess...for me too, while everybody else is miserable. I couldn’t ask for a better friend, and...I don’t know how he’s doing it. How he can hold his head high when he’s still dealing with his own pain.
But then again, this is just giving him another excuse to push his pain deep down inside of him.
That’s not good, either.
“Folks?”
I look up at once, and see the surgeon standing there, his expression tired and ragged from hours of surgery.
“Is he...is he okay?” I ask, immediately.
“The amputation was successful. The anesthetic is wearing off, but he’s still very groggy. We’ll move him into recovery, and let groups of you go in to see him for short periods of time. He’ll be in shock for a while. This recovery process takes longer, mentally, than most. Physically though, there is no more risk involved. His burns should heal over nicely. Some have already transitioned. We were actually able to remove the facial bandages, which I’m sure will make your husband much more comfortable, Mrs. Hoffstra.”
God. Today?
“Oh...”
“He’s asked to see you first,” the surgeon tells me. “I’ll have a nurse come and take your group up to recovery shortly, and then you can see your husband.”
“Thank you.” My daddy takes charge, goes up to the man and gives him a firm handshake. “The family and I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for us, and for Vance.”
The doctor nods, smiles slightly, and then they start a murmured conversation that I don’t even bother trying to hear. It’s not important. Nothing is anymore.
“It won’t be so bad,” Justin speaks up finally. “You’ll just have to get used to...seeing him a different way. It’ll still be Vance inside.”
I just nod, try to smile, maintain my positivity. At least Vance is still here, unlike my sister. I should be thankful.
But I’m so scared.
We sit there for a while more, and then a nurse comes down to escort us all to recovery. Daddy helps me waddle my way to the elevator, and supports me on the way up, not letting go of my hand until we reach the waiting area. Vance’s surgeon is already there, waiting on us, and I know I won’t have another chance to sit down again until I’m right there at Vance’s side.
“He’ll see you now, Taylor,” the surgeon tells me, softly.
“Go on baby.” Daddy gives my hand a final squeeze and kisses my cheek. “We’ll be waiting right here for you.”
I force a smile, and then my gaze lands on Justin. He’s sitting there, Layla on his lap now instead of my sister’s, whispering to her softly as she leans her head against his chest. He meets my gaze after a moment, and smirks gently at me, his eyes telling me to be strong, and stick by Vance at all costs.
I decide to suck it up, forget about what my husband will look like when I enter that room. It’s still Vance, I keep telling myself. It’s still Vance.
I follow the nurse down the hallway, and suck in a small breath when we stop in front of a door. She opens it for me silently, and when I step through the doorway, she closes it just as quickly. I stand there for several minutes, just staring at him, at the remains of my husband. Right now, he’s sleeping, and it gives me a chance to take a good look at the new face he’s been given. The skin has been pulled in every direction, in an attempt to salvage some of his facial features. It’s like...patchwork. Like somebody ripped his face apart and stitched it all back together again, only...it didn’t come out right. The tip of his nose is gone, making it look strangely elf like. One of his ears his half gone, and the other one is missing completely, leaving a hole in the side of his head. Vance is unrecognizable, alien-like with his stretched pink skin, and I cover my mouth with my hand, forcing back a sob. Then his eyes crack open, and when he smiles, it’s all crooked. Part of his lips curve upward and the other half droops down, causing a sliver of drool to come drifting down his chin, which he manages to wipe away.
“How’s Lay?” His voice is gruff and weak when he says the words to me, and he’s looking me right in the eyes, like he wants more than anything to be normal for me again.
But we both know that’s impossible.
“She’s...fine. She’s with Justin.”
He nods slightly, and let’s out a small sigh. “I’m sorry about all of this, baby.”
“You shouldn’t be. Things will get better now that...they operated.”
“Pull up a chair,” he says, passing right over the subject. “Come sit by me.”
I do it without hesitation, and slowly lower my awkwardly shaped body down into the chair once I position it by the bed. Vance immediately holds his hand out to me, and when I look down to take it, I find that his inner palm is probably the only part of his body that wasn’t burned. I see that clear, smooth skin that I loved to touch before all of this happened, and I grasp onto it, hold on for dear life because I don’t want to lose that part of him...the one I fell in love with.
“Look at me.”
It takes me a minute, and I hate that.
“Taylor if...if this isn’t going to work out, I want you to tell me now. I’m prepared for it. I think I’ve been prepared for it since I woke up in the hospital after the explosion. But I can’t...I can’t sit around wondering if you’re still in love with me. If you can still be in love with me...this way.”
I gasp, and my hands fall down onto my baby bump. At this point, I couldn’t imagine a life without Vance, even if all of this happened to him. I know I still love him, but at the same time, things are only going to get harder from here on out. “Of course I love you.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“We’re having a baby in a few weeks,” I say. “It has to work out. There’s no other choice.”
He stares into my eyes. His are glossy, filled with tears, and I know he’s holding a lot back for my sake. “Kiss me.”
I just stare at him.
“Please, Taylor,” he whimpers. “I...I need that from you. I need to know that I’m still alive under all this.”
I lean in slowly, not sure what to expect when my lips meet his. We haven’t kissed at all since he came home, and honestly, I didn’t think he’d want to be this close to me ever again. It should make me feel good, but when my lips brush against his, I feel like I’m kissing a stranger. The texture of the skin on his face isn’t stubbly with that subtle softness anymore. Instead, it’s a strange mixture of waxy and rough, and I find myself breaking our kiss almost as quickly as it began.
Vance just stares at me. He knows. He knows that it will never be the same again.
“What was that?” He croaks.
I lean back in the chair and rub my belly as I look down at the floor. “I’m not sure.”
“Why’d you stop?”
“It’s not really the time or the place, Vance.”
“If I didn’t look like this, would it be the time and place?”
“Vance look, that’s not...”
“So you could live with me only having one leg, being wheelchair bound and all that. But you can’t stand the fact that you have to look at my mangled face everyday, is that it?”
“No...” I shake my head roughly, and my lips tremble as I try not to cry. “Vance, no...”
“It’s the truth. You just can’t admit it. My face freaks you out...it’s gonna freak out the kid, and I can’t even imagine what I’ll look like to a little baby. Besides, how the hell can our son look to me as a role model, when I can’t even get to the bathroom on my own?”
Silence.
“I’ll call a lawyer in a couple of days. It shouldn’t take long to draw up divorce papers. You and the kids will be fine at your parents. I’ll get something worked out...assisted living. The VA can get me set up.”r32;
“I didn’t say anything about getting a divorce,” I grunt. “Stop putting words in my mouth.”
“You didn’t have to say it,” he says sadly. “It’s easier this way, for everybody.”
“Baby,” I sob. “Please. I...I don’t want this. I need you and...Layla and Oliver are going to need you too.”
“Need what?”
“Their father.”
“I’m a joke of a father now. That’s obvious, isn’t it?”
“That’s not true..”
“Just...just go, all right?” He turns his head away from me. “Please.”
“Vance.”
“I’m not going to say it again, Taylor.”
I don’t know what else to do, but what he’s asked of me. I do my best not to cry, but naturally it doesn’t work out that way. I’m weak, barely holding it together, and I burst into tears once I’m out in the hallway. My father consoles me for a few moments, before handing me off to my sister so he and my mother can go in and visit with Vance too.
“He wants a divorce,” I whimper into her shoulder. “Suze...”
“He doesn’t know what he’s saying,” she sighs, and rubs my back in a circular motion. “Just give him time, Tay. He’ll come around once he realizes you aren’t going anywhere.”
I just sob.
“You still love him...don’t you?”
I can’t answer her. Can’t say anything because I’m so damn confused. I guess Vance has a point. I need to think about this. Think about what life will be like with him now. He’s not the same person underneath the mess on the outside. He’s depressed, nervous, cautious and afraid. With two children to raise, how can we make it work? I would hate to fight with him every single day but...but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore. “I love him but...he’s just...”
“It’s a difficult situation, that’s all.”
“Right.”
She doesn’t want me to say it, that I blame him. That the way he feels is his fault. Of course it’s not. He didn’t blow himself up, and he has a right to feel the way he’s feeling.
But it’s leaving me so lost and confused, and I just...I just have no idea how I’m supposed to hold this family together all by myself.
“Tay.”
I look up at him as I continue to cling to my sister for support. His eyes meet mine and I can feel the pain inside of him, because it’s the same pain I have.
“Your momma wanted me to bring you back to the house for awhile. We can go to my place. It's quiet there."
He extends his hand out to me and all I can do is stare at it. I feel too weak to go anywhere or do anything.
"Go on," Suzette nudges me. "Take some time for yourself. You need to get some rest and clear your head for that little girl."
I know she has a point. I need to get myself together and be there for Layla because for the moment...I'm basically the only parent she's got.
"C'mon," Justin says, offering me a comforting smile.
I take his hand and he reassures Suzette that he'll bring me home in the morning. He helps me walk out of the hospital and to his car, a black Dodge Charger that he bought before he married my sister. It's so familiar and reminds me so much of Liv that I temporarily forget about Vance. She loved that car, loved the way it made her feel when Justin would drive her around in it.
I'm surprised he got up the courage to drive it. It's been a long time. Then again, I'm sure driving Liv's car would make things even worse for him.
"Got that?" He laughs slightly as he watches me struggling with my seatbelt.
I give up and let out a frustrated sigh. "No."
"Here." He leans over me carefully, trying his best not to put pressure on my bump as he grabs my seatbelt and gets it on me.
"Thanks."
"Sure."
The car rumbles to life moments later, and then, finally, I'm away from that place.
Away from Vance.
"You wanna talk?" He lowers the radio as he says it.
I barely look at him. "We don't have to." I suck in a breath, willing my emotions away. I just...don't want to be a mess in front of him. Sure, he's a friend, but he has his own issues.
"He must have said something."
"They had to take his leg."
Justin nods slightly. "We knew they might have to."
"Yeah but...but I guess when I saw his face...I was shocked. I didn't know how to react, and I should have. He could sense how I felt and I know it made him upset. Ill just...have to work through it."
"I know you and Layla are the most important things to him. Before the accident...you're all I ever heard about, and the new baby too. I know he still loves you, Tay. He's just going through something."
"I want to help him." My voice trembles and I try to hold back my tears but I just can't do it. "But he told me he...he wants a divorce. He says that he's a joke and me and the kids will be better off without him."
"He said that?"
I just sob.
He pats my leg. "I'll talk to him."
"It's too late for that. He's just...gone, Justin."
"You don't know what being gone really means, Taylor. If...if it were Liv, and she had to live like Vance for the rest of her life, I'd be willing to make it work. I'd give anything for that chance, you know?"
I nod and look down at my lap. "I know you would."
"Everything will work out," he promises me. "You'll see. When the baby comes...he'll start to think a lot differently. It's just what he needs to get his mind off all this."
I don't say anything because I don't want to put a damper on his mood. He's really trying right now, pushing all of his pain aside not just for Vance, but for me and the kids too. I couldn't ask for a better person to be by my side.
I just hope he's right.
******************
I was running through the desert in the dream, trying to grab a hold of Vance's arm before he could step on that booby trap. The closer I got though, the farther away he seemed to be.
When the explosion went off, I woke up drenched in sweat and trembling with fear. I sobbed, but only for a moment before I reached out for her hand.
But she wasn't there.
I've been having the dreams since the first time I killed someone in Country. When I came back from that first tour, Liv made me go to a shrink for them, but it didn't seem to help. The pills helped me sleep better but I still had the dreams. She would be there for me when they happened, always holding me close, telling me it was okay, and I would fall back to sleep in her arms.
Now they're worse than they've ever been, and fate has left me alone to deal with the problem.
I don't know how to fix it, because she always fixed it for me.
I'm scared of what's going to happen.
It took me hours but I finally managed to calm Taylor down enough that she was able to get some sleep last night. I put her up in my bedroom. I haven't been sleeping in there lately...too many memories, too many dreams about Liv being there in bed next to me. The couch is fine for now and Carl doesn't seem to mind.
I've been considering my options since I've been home. I might sell. The house is too big for me...too much work, too many memories. I turn the corner sometimes, too many corners, expecting her to be there, but she's never going to be there.
Hard as it is, I know the time has come for me to start moving on, moving past Liv. Ill have to start going through her stuff, maybe next week once everything with Vance is a little better again. As long as the focus is taken off of me I think I can handle it. I just...need to be alone while I sort through her things...the memories of her. I gotta figure out what I want to keep, what I want to give back to the family, and what I want to donate. Once I'm through, once the house is mostly Liv free, I think I'll be able to breathe easier, sleep better.
At least...I hope I'll be able to.
I feel like I'm trying to push her away, out of my life and my memories. It's horrible, but it hurts so bad inside...missing her and hiding how I feel from everyone. I can't do it anymore. I don't think Liv would want me to.
"Morning."
She caught me off guard. My eyes are watering and I'm only noticing now so I quickly wipe at them before I turn to face her. Taylor is standing there in one of my old army tee shirts, smiling tiredly.
I blink and its Liv, not Taylor.
"Are...are you ok Justin?"
I blink again and Taylor comes back. I laugh it off.
It's scaring me. Every time I see her she looks more and more like my wife.
But she's not my wife.
"I'm okay," I manage. "How'd you sleep?"
She half shrugs. "Okay."
"You going back to the hospital today?"
"I'm not so sure...maybe. I just wanted to relax for the time being. Yesterday wiped me out and this baby isn't very happy with me. I think Vance needs a day to sort out things too."
"Right...well um, are you hungry? I can...pour us some cereal." I feel my cheeks turn red. With all the commotion Taylor probably won't be giving me that cooking class for quite some time, and I'm completely clueless.
"Don't be silly. Ill fix something." She rolls her eyes, but for the first time in days that genuine smile of hers shows itself to me. I love that smile.
Liv had that smile too.
"Come on. Watch and learn."
I stand by her side as she attempts to show me the correct way to make pancakes and grits from scratch. I do my best to follow along with all the stirring and egg cracking, heating and flipping. By the time we're through her plate is full of a breakfast Liv would have been proud to serve me, and mine is full of crumbled half cooked pancakes and burnt grits.
"Looks like I failed," I sigh as she takes my plate and scrapes the food into the trash. "I'm useless."
"You're not useless." She plants her full plate of food on the kitchen table and slides out a chair. "You just need more practice. Now sit down and eat."
I shake my head but when she narrows her eyes at me, I do as I'm told. Fayleen women are stubborn to the core, and I know from experience that saying no to one them is never an option. "What about you, Tay?"
"I can fix myself another plate," she smirks. "Just eat."
She loves to cook, just like Liv did. Pregnant and all she's still ready to entertain family. I don't hesitate, I just dig in. The taste of the grits forces me to close my eyes and savor the flavor. It's been too long since I've had Liv's grits. "This is the way Liv made her grits."
"It's the way our momma makes her grits." She laughs as she finishes her batch of food and is able to join me at the table. "Who do you think we learned from?"
I shrug.
It's silent for a long time.
"How are you doing with everything?"
I look up at her after a few painstaking minutes. I haven't really talked about it. Not yet, and I still feel like its too soon. "I'll be all right."
"Have you um..." She hesitates, looks down at her plate and pushes the food around for a minute. "Have you thought about going through...her things?"
"Sort of. I've been thinking about a lot of things, that included. I might sell this place."
Her expression falls. "Sell?"
"Yeah. I mean, it's a little big for just me and Carl. I'd be better off with a condo or something."
"But you....you worked so hard for the house. Liv did too."
I sigh. "I had a reason to then. Now it's just getting to be too much for me."
She doesn't say anything but she gives me this look like she knows I'm full of it. Like she knows the only reason I want to sell is so I can run and hide from the memories of my wife.
"Justin you don't have to hide the fact that you miss her."
"Who said I'm hiding it? You know I miss her."
"You don't talk about her."
"You don't either."
"Not around you, but around my family I do. You haven't been here, but we've been trying to talk about her as much as we can. It helps to cope...remembering her."
"What's there to say?" I shake my head roughly. "She's dead."
"Yeah, and I know that it's killing you. You were barely there at the funeral and then you left for Afghanistan. You haven't even tried to cope with it head on yet have you?"
I drop my fork and it clatters onto my plate. I find that I'm glaring at her, and I hate that, but this is the only way I know how to handle the situation without losing it.
After all this time, I still haven't cried. I refuse to do it, because then I'll remember every single thing I ever loved about Olivia Fayleen, and I can't. I can't mix those emotions and memories with the horrible ones I deal with every night.
Ill crack. I will, and I can't afford to because its just me now. Vance is barely there and I have no one else to lean on because Taylor is caught up in her own problems.
"Justin..."
"Look, thanks...for breakfast." I get up, push my emotions back where they belong and pick up my plate so I can drop it in the sink. "I'm really sorry about what's going on with Vance too. I meant what I said...Ill talk to him about all of this, talk some sense into him. Let me get you home though, okay? Your mom..."
"I can't believe you," she cuts me off and sends me a dark look of her own. "You loved Liv. You knew her better than anybody and now you just....want to forget."
"I'm not forgetting anything. You think it's so easy...damn it..." I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose, forcing myself to get it together. "I'm not doing this right now, okay?"
"Then when?"
I don't answer.
"You haven't even been back to the grave, have you?"
"Drop it, Taylor."
"But you..."
"I said drop it!"
She whimpers slightly, pushes herself up from the chair and backs away from me.
"God...Taylor look..."
"I'm going to change," she says it quickly and starts making her way out of the kitchen. "I'll call Suzette and have her come pick me up."
"I can bring you...." I walk up behind her. "Taylor I'm sorry."
"I'll call Suzette."
She walks away from me, and I can hear her sobbing.
Shit.
I plop down at the table and hold my head in my hands, close my eyes and try to make everything okay again, like it was before Vance stepped in that booby trap, like it was before my wife was gone.
I feel her hands on my shoulders, smell her perfume, feel her tender lips on the back of my neck. It's incredible,like she's really there. I pick my head up and look over my shoulder. "Livvy."
But there's only a silent, empty kitchen, and I know the reality...
I'm alone.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I wrote this chapter on a flight back from Italy. Sorry it's been a while since i've posted anything. Hopefully Ill be back in the swing of things from now on.
Incomplete
ialwayzbesingin is the author of 25 other stories.
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