The flight to Memphis was the least of my problems, even though it was very awkward. Justin wouldn’t talk to me, and in an attempt to make things less difficult, I decided not to talk to him either. Our fight was bad, his actions were even worse, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
I still don’t, because I know I can’t tell him the truth.
Trace Ayala said the quickest hello to me in the world when we met up with him, his wife Samantha and baby on the tarmac. The baby, or...Sophia, was asleep in her arms, and Trace was more concerned about getting them inside the plane than asking how I was, or how Justin and I felt about the upcoming week. Justin seemed to make the decision not to sit next to me all too quickly once we were able to board, and I felt a kind hand on my shoulder next, guiding me to the back of the plane. Samantha Robinson-Ayala sat me down near the window, and blockaded me into the row with her, the baby in her lap, in an attempt to comfort me. It was obvious she knew I was very upset, and I could only guess that we were close friends, even though I couldn’t remember anything about her. Still, I knew there was no point in trying to talk to Justin for the duration of our trip so I didn’t say anything.
Sam fell into a conversation with me quickly, and it was obvious she knew everything about me. She has a thick Australian accent, and she’s sweet, kind, loves her life and her family more than anybody I’ve ever met before. If I were living this life all along, I’m sure I would consider her a great friend to have. One that’s always been around for me, and Justin as well. I tried my best to talk to her, confide in her, without making it obvious that I was completely lost in a world I knew next to nothing about. She didn’t seem to catch on to any of that. The most she said was that ‘she knew how Justin could get’ and ‘not to let it get to me, because he loved me’.
I distracted myself by getting to know Sam better. She rambled on about married life and being a new mom, allowing me to melt away into her world for a while. I think she knew there was no point pushing me about the fight or the wedding. In her mind, I was a frazzled bride to be, and I admit, I played the part very well.
The second the jet touched down at Memphis International, a strange feeling came over me, like I’d been there so many times before. It was as if I’d come home, even though I’d never been to Tennessee before. At least... I was pretty sure. I closed my eyes, tried to remember everything about the life I was currently living, willing my brain to snap out of whatever funk it was in.
But when I opened them again, everything was the same. I was still there, with all of them, and I couldn’t remember a thing about how I got that way. I felt like bursting into tears, almost did, but then the plane stopped at the gate and I saw Justin stand up, glancing back at me for the smallest of seconds, looking like his world was shattered. I held it all back for him, because I didn’t want him to feel any worse than he already did.
A hired car was waiting for us after we collected our baggage, and the five of us were whisked away to a sleepy suburb of Memphis, called Shelby Forest. It quiet here, serene, a world away from media vultures and paparazzi that constantly invade Justin’s privacy. For the first time since I woke up, I feel calm, like I could live this way and love him forever.
But it’s not that simple. Nothing ever is.
My family won’t be here until tomorrow afternoon, and I honestly can’t wait to see them, get some more answers, find out how the hell this can all be reality. In the meantime though, I’m being forced to suck up to Justin’s family, especially his mother, Lynn. She’s nice, seems to like me, but we’ve barely had the chance to sit down and talk since Justin and I arrived. She’s been so busy catering to the rest of the family, and paying attention to her son that I’ve sort of been placed on the back burner. Various members of Justin’s extended family and friends have been entertaining me ever since, talking with me for hours as if I’m supposed to know them so well. I can‘t tell you how hard it is to keep on smiling for total strangers when I really feel like running and hiding in an upstairs room.
“Nanna’s wondering why you haven’t come to help her out in the kitchen.” Trace plops himself down beside me with a beer, and flashes a mischievous little smirk.
“I’m a little tired...” I trail off and look away from him. I know I’m safe from pretty much everybody else here, besides him. It seems he can read me like a book, because he knows me better than the rest of them, and whatever he finds out, he’ll be sure to report to Justin. “It’s nothing.”
“Look, I know what he said,” he admits. “You know he’s an idiot right?”
“Well I...”
“Just tell me there’s nothing going on, Lauren,” he says seriously, as he places his beer down on the coffee table in front of us. “You owe Justin that much.”
I sigh harshly. “I’m not seeing anybody else! For fucks sake....”
“Shh.” He glances around. “Don’t talk so loud.”
I lean back, take a deep breath. If I don’t, I might strangle him. “I’m not seeing anybody else.”
“Good. So what’s making you run and hide from him then?”
“Damn, isn’t that our business, Trace?”
“Maybe...but I can’t stand to see him this way. We’ve always been able to talk, Laur. I figured we could talk about this too.”
I know I can’t get away from him. In this life, he’s probably one of my best friends, and running away from him now would only prove more to Justin that I don’t want to be with him after all. “Have you ever woken up one morning, not knowing what your life is really all about?”
He laughs at me. “More than I’d like to admit.”
“Well that’s how I felt this morning. I guess part of me feels like I don’t know what I’m getting myself into, even though I should...does that make sense?”
“Well did you tell him that?”
“No. I didn’t know how to say it.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being scared. I mean, a wedding is a big deal.”
“I know. I guess there’s more going on with me, that’s all.”
“Then you need to be honest about it, and if you won’t talk to me, at least talk to him. He deserves the truth, you know? Before you get married.”
I just nod, then he pats me on the shoulder, gets his beer, and leaves me sitting there.
Great talk. Trace meant well, I’m sure, but all he really did was make me that much more upset. He made it sound like if I don’t talk to Justin and give him a good explanation to how I’m feeling, the wedding will be called off. I mean, I know I don’t remember anything about my relationship with that man, but I don’t...I don’t want to lose him either.
I feel, now more than ever, that he’s a real part of me.
“There you are!”
She shuffles over to me, an excited gleam in her eyes. I met her once, when we first got here, for about thirty seconds. I was supposed to know who she was, I realized, when she gave me a big hug. It was only because I heard Justin say her name, that I was able to pull it off. “Hey...Rachael.”
“Why are you hiding out?” She laughs, and tugs on my hands. “We’re making cookies inside with Nana. She’s going to be real pissed if you don’t join in.”
I let her pull me through the house and into the kitchen, because there is no other choice. Along the way, I’m sure I see Justin, sitting on the couch in the den with a bunch of his family members. Naturally, he doesn’t acknowledge me.
“Just pretend you’re having a great time,” Rachael tells me, once we’re inside the kitchen. “Justin is a stubborn baby, we all know that. It’ll aggravate him if it seems like you don’t care one way or the other about the fight. Then he’ll come crawling back.”
She plops a bowl full of cookie dough in front of me, and starts talking to Nana, who has been eyeing me for the past few minutes. I force a smile for her, and concentrate on making some cookies.
“So y’all are having some kind of argument?”
I sigh. “We just...”
“It’s your grandson being his stubborn self,” Rachael speaks up. “They’ll work it out. Let it be, Nana.”
“Well what’s this argument got to do with anyhow? I think it’s ridiculous, personally. If y’all aren’t ready to get married, then don’t get married.”
I stare at the older woman for a few moments, and find that she’s giving me a semi dark look. Obviously, she’s taking Justin’s side here, but from what I remember reading, he’s always been her favorite. “Nobody said that.”
“Well it sure sounds like it to me.”
“Nana!” Rachael yells, exasperated.
I can’t bare to hear anymore. I know the longer I stay, the more miserable I’ll feel, so I put the piece of dough I was rolling back into the bowl, rinse my hands, and walk out of the kitchen. I walk through the house too, practically in tears, and push my way out the front door. It’s only then that I let the genuine sobs escape me, and I walk down the sidewalk crying like a damn fool.
I don’t belong here. I really don’t, and I wish so bad that I could just wake up, right now.
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