BEEP BEEP BEEP
I moan a little, turn slightly and reach out for his bare chest. “Baby can you turn it off?”
No response. My eyes crack open a little bit, and I find that Justin isn’t there. I don’t quite recognize where I am, either, and so I force myself to open my eyes a little wider.
Oh God.
I jolt upright, gaze around the room.
This isn’t the bed and breakfast.
This isn’t even Memphis.
It’s Los Angeles, and I’m in my bedroom in the apartment I share with my terrible roommates. “No...” I shake my head roughly, feel the tears trying to push their way out from behind my eyes as I grab my phone from the nightstand. “No...no. It couldn’t have been. It couldn’t have been...”
I keep repeating it as I frantically search my phonebook for his number. For Trace’s number. For Sam’s...for anybody that has to do with my Justin.
But there’s nothing.
It was a fucking dream. It was all a fucking dream. It’s December 2nd, I’m still single, and I’m still living here, dreaming about the day I’ll be swept off my feet.
How could I have been so stupid? What’s more, I feel like I’ve lost something so good, and so wonderful that I’ll never recover. The pain is literally pulsing inside my gut, and I feel like I’m about to throw up.
Ten more minutes pass, and then I actually do it.
What the hell is going on? It was a just a dream right? Or was it? Was that vortex thing playing a trick on me? Did it magically yank me through to show me what my life could have been like, only to slap me back into reality later on? How fucked up. I mean, I loved him. I loved him so much, and I was going to marry him.
Shit, I must be insane. I have to be.
I dial my mother, just to make sure.
“Hello?”
“Mom...Mom I need to ask you something.”
“Honey, are you all right? You sound horrible.”
I sniffle a little. “I’ll be okay, I just need to know...am I engaged?”
“That would be news to me.”
My heart sinks. “Well, have I ever...been on a date, or in a relationship with anybody remotely famous?”
“That would also be...news to me. Lauren, are you getting out enough? Maybe you’re overworking yourself. You should come home for the holidays early, really. We all miss you.”
“I know...I...I’ll think about it.”
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
I actually hang up on her, and I’m sure I’ll catch hell for it later on, but right now I can’t think about that. I’m too upset, literally sobbing moments later, knowing that everything I just felt and experienced wasn’t real.
Or was it?
I can’t make sense of it. I’ve never had a dream so vivid, so real, and I’ve never felt that much love from somebody else...ever. Does that make me insane? I don’t know, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on without him, without that life.
I should have went to NYU, and because I didn’t, because I made that decision in my life, I missed out on something wonderful.
I missed out on the love of my life, and while it’s unfair, I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to move on, somehow.
But I really wish I didn’t have to, because I know how much I’m going to miss him, and that hurts.
*******
December 23
I don’t know what it is lately, but I’ve been having the craziest fucking dreams. I’ll either be at my house, or at my mom’s, with this girl that I’ve never met before. I’m in love with her though, in the dream. We’re engaged too, and we argue sometimes but at the end of the day we both know that we’re meant to be together.
Her name is Lauren, but that’s all I really know. Except, in the dream, I know everything about her. In the dream, we’ve been together for years.
The dreams don’t stop, and I hate it. It’s taking over my bedtime. I told Trace about it, he says that I’m overtired, that the holiday will do me some good. I guess he’s right. We’re going down to Memphis for Christmas, and then we’re going up to Vail with some of our friends to snowboard and to celebrate the New Year in seclusion. It’s my idea of the perfect holiday...and it will be, if I can shake this thing.
I just don’t know how I can.
“What time’s your flight?”
“Like eight thirty.”r32;
“Well you better be on time, son,” my mother sighs. “Your nana is already on the warpath. You know how she gets.”
I feel the smile tug at the corner of my mouth. Thinking about her, about home, about being with not only my mom but my entire family makes me feel good inside. It’s a rare occurrence, seeing them all. I’m usually so busy that my parents have to come stay out here with me, to get that quality time in. My grandparents are getting older, can’t travel as much as they used to, and so I know going back home for the Christmas holiday is really important. “I plan on it, momma.”
“How are you otherwise? You sound tired...stressed. Is it work?”
“When isn’t it?”
It’s not a complete lie. I’ve been doing a lot of filming lately. The schedule is pretty grueling, even if it’s something I enjoy. There’s more to my mood of course, but telling my mom about my dreams, is almost as crazy as showing up late to Christmas at Nana’s house.
“Well you make sure you don’t bring that baggage with you to Memphis,” she sighs. “All right?”
I chuckle. “Of course not, momma.”
“All right well, I’ll let you get on with your day. Call me before you take off and when you land though.”
“Will do.”
“Love you baby.”
“Love you too. Bye.” I hang up, laugh a little and rub my eyes tiredly. I love her and miss her, but I wish she didn’t worry so much. I know what’s behind her attitude more than anything. She hates the fact that I’m single. My breakup was a little harsh, and I’ve been pretty reluctant to get back out into the dating scene since then. In this business it’s hard to meet somebody. My schedule is constant, and it’s hard to make somebody outside of the business understand that. If I try to date within the business, their schedules conflict with my own. We never have a chance to be together.
Hence my single status.
My phone buzzes with a text message, and I smirk when I find that it’s my best friend Trace inviting me to have a coffee with him. I tell him I’ll see him in twenty minutes, and start to get dressed. For the first time in years, we won’t be spending Christmas together. With the new baby and everything, he and his wife have decided to stay home and have his family come out here. I understand of course, it’s just hard handling the change of pace. Trace is settled down, married with a kid, and I’m still a bachelor. Seeing him with his family makes me want that life too, so bad.
I just don’t know if I’m meant to have it, because my life is different from his, even if I made him a vital part of my career from the time we were kids. I have agendas, meetings, and a reputation to uphold. That leaves less room for relationships and family time, and I’ve been living this way for years.
Maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe I need to be more laid back, not work as much, open my eyes a little wider and try to understand what else life has to offer me.
I guess I should try to get through the holidays first, though.
“Hey, I got you some kind of Christmas frappe bullshit.” Trace says it to me and pushes the coffee my way, when I arrive at the cafe and sit down at our usual table in the far corner. “Honestly, I don’t know why we come here so much.”
I shrug, keep my head lowered as always, so I won’t be spotted or photographed. “It’s close to the house and it’s not overcrowded.”
“Still.” He rolls his eyes and takes a swig out of his coffee. “I think we need a change of scenery or something.”
“Sam barely lets you out of the house as it is,” I laugh. “You’re lucky we have this place at all.”
“Hey...we’re just busy.”
“You’re whipped. You can admit it.”
His shoulders sag in defeat. “Fine, but you better not tell anybody else.”
I laugh. “I don’t have to. They already know. You’re lucky though. I wish my life could be that way...married, a kid. You got it made.”
He gives me a strange look. “When did you get so...mushy?”
“Mushy?”
“The idea of marriage freaks you out man,” he smirks. “I didn’t think you wanted to do it.”
“Maybe I just haven’t found the right person.”
“Lauren! A Grande Mocha latte!”
I snap to attention at the sound of that name. When I look over, I see the Barista waiting at the counter, drink in hand, ready to serve. I’m a wreck. Lauren is a common name.
It couldn’t be her.
“Sorry.” “Lauren” waltzes up to the counter, digging out her money to pay the girl.
All I can do is stare.
Shit. It is her. I don’t know how it’s her, but it...it is her. Exactly. Same hair, same face, same body build. She’s glowing, radiant, just like in my dreams. I can almost smell that perfume of hers, the one I don’t know the name of.
It’s electrifying and I’m scared as hell.
I shake my head roughly. “Shit.”
“You okay?”
I look up at my best friend. Out of everybody I know, he’s the only one I could talk about this with, that might listen instead of calling me crazy. “Remember the dream?”
“The crazy one where you were about to marry a stranger?”
“Yeah.”
He shrugs. “What about it?”
“That’s her.” I point a shaky finger in her direction. “That has to be her.”
He slowly looks her way, trying his best not to be obvious. “Justin,” he laughs. “How can it be her?”
I continue to stare, knowing it’s going to get me in trouble, but not caring at the same time. “I just know.”
“It was a dream, Justin.”
“Fuck, I know it was. I just...I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t sure. That’s her...Lauren...something.”
“So what are you gonna do?” He laughs, and drinks more of his coffee. “Go up to her and say ‘hi, I know we’ve never met, but I totally dreamed about you the past few nights. Let’s get married and save ourselves the courtship.’ Now, you might get lucky. She might just fall for you right off the bat because of the career.” He rolls his eyes and sighs. “Wake up, Justin.”
“I just...I don’t think it would be like that. She...she would like me for me.”
“You’ve lost it.”
I shake my head roughly, and push myself up from my seat. “I have to know.”
“Well it’s not like I could stop you anyway. Just try not to embarrass yourself too much, you know? It is the holidays. I’m gonna get going, but definitely let me know how it goes.”
“Sure thing.”
He smirks. “Good luck.”
I watch him walk away from me, and then I’m left standing there with my coffee like an asshole. My eyes immediately land on her again. She’s back at her own little table across the cafe, her laptop in front of her, staring at the screen. To anybody else she would seem lost in whatever she’s working on, but I can see it on her face...it’s like she’s sad, lost...
Maybe I should make the first move. In the dream I did. In the dream, if I hadn’t made the first move when we met, we wouldn’t have been together.
I take a step forward, but freeze.
This is insane. Insane, because I’m so private. I try to avoid talking to strangers if I can, because I never know what they have in store for me.
She closes her laptop, picks up it’s case and puts it away.
That means she’s leaving, and if I let her go, let her walk away, I have the worst feeling I might never see her again.
I don’t think I could live with that either, even if I don’t know anything about her at all. So I suck it up, take in a long breath, and hightail it across the cafe, nearly running her down as she attempts to head for the door.
“Hey.” I practically shout it in her face as I stick my hand out for her to shake. “I’m Justin.”
She just stares at me, and I have no idea what to think, or what to do.
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