“I thought you said they were going to be discreet!”

“I...fuck...”  I sigh heavily and look at Roy, who seems just as overwhelmed.  “I guess the word spread once that batch of paparazzi started tailing us at the airport.”

She rubs her temples and closes her eyes.  “I haven’t been left alone since we got off the damn plane.  I’ve been smiling so much that it’s starting to hurt and I’m hungry, tired, and irritable.  I’ve had exactly thirty minutes inside my hotel room.  If I get out of this car right now, I’ll probably punch somebody, Justin.  I mean it.  I want a path cleared, right now!”

“All right.”  Roy shifts toward the limousine's door.  “I’ll see what I can do.”  He knocks on the window, and the door is opened slightly for him.  The flashes and shouts of her name cause me to nudge Sarah to the side and sit in the path of the camera’s so she won’t be bombarded, or blinded by the countless flashes going off.  Naturally, I have a million spots in front of my eyes by the time Roy actually gets out and the door is shut again, but I know it’s worth it.  Irritable Sarah isn’t one that I want anybody to see right now.  She has her image to uphold, and so far, she’s been on top of her game, being polite to the television executives, and smiling for the fans awaiting her arrival at the airport terminal.  For the first time ever, I witnessed her signing autographs out of the goodness of her heart.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so poised, so together before.

Once again, it’s a step in the right direction for her, and while I’m proud, I really feel like I need to start distancing myself.  She just expects me to talk about my family, about mom.  She doesn’t get it.  She doesn’t know how hard it is for me, and how much harder it’s going to be to face it all with my sister coming.  Charlotte is going to want to talk, and there’s no way I can ignore her or change the subject.  I’ll just have to deal with it, face the issues with my family for the first time in years.

But I’m not going to deal with anything before I have to.

“You promised me...you said I would get to eat here, Justin!”

Right now she’s slipped back into total London mode, and I know it’s because she’s tired, but really...I’d prefer not to deal with her right now.  I don’t want to snap at her, because I’m just as tired and irritable as she is, if not more, and one of us has to keep their heads at the moment.  “You will.  Just be a little patient, and let Roy handle it.  It’ll just be a couple of minutes.”

“A couple of minutes?” She scoffs.  “Did you see how many photographers are out there? I’m fucking surrounded.”

She’s shaking.  It’s the nerves.  They’ve always gotten the best of her when it comes to the paparazzi and I understand.  They can be animals, scary at times.  She could get hurt if we’re not careful.  “Look, it’ll be okay.”  I say it gently, and rub her shoulder a little.  “We’re not getting out of the car unless it’s safe.”  

She whimpers, like she can’t believe what I’m saying, and I’m about to console her again when my phone rings.  It’s Roy, and I breathe out a relieved sigh as I answer.  “What’s it like out there?”

“It’s bad.  They’ve surrounded the entire area, including the back of the place.  Some of them are even inside, waiting.  They’ve ordered food so the management told me that they can’t force them to leave.  If she goes in...I doubt she’ll be able to eat properly.  It’s not safe.  We’re going to have to skip this.  Ask her where else she’d like to go.”

“You’re sure?” I do my best not to meet Sarah’s gaze.

He sighs heavily.  Roy’s not an idiot.  He knows the type of tantrum Sarah will probably throw because of this news.  He wouldn’t tell me no unless he absolutely had to.  

“I’m sure.”

“Thanks.”  I end the call, sigh harshly, and force myself to look at my boss.  “Sarah, it’s not safe.  We can come back another day...there must be another place...”

“There’s no other place!” She screams.  “You should have planned this better!”

I just stare at her.  It’s been months, and she hasn’t talked to me like this once.  

“You’re such a damn idiot!” She continues.  “You...you don’t know what to prioritize, Justin!  What am I going to do now, huh? I could have been at dinner someplace else an hour ago!”

“Well I...”

“Just forget it.”  She crosses her arms harshly.  “You’re just incapable of having common sense.  Take me back to the room.”

“Sarah...”

“Do what I say!”

I lick my lips, and grit my teeth in frustration.

Same old Sarah.

I guess I was stupid to think her good attitude would last, especially after I decided to blow her off like I have.  Things are getting back to normal.  It’s what I wanted, after all.

The door opens, more flashes in my face, more shouts of LONDON! Then Roy manages to get in the car and the door slams behind him.

“Where to?” He asks.

It’s completely silent, and then the limo starts to move.

Roy leans forward, and a gives us both a strange look.  “You gonna tell me...”

“Hotel,” I say quietly, rubbing my forehead with my hand.  

“Right.”  He picks up the house type phone and tells the driver where to take us, hanging up harshly once he’s finished.

Nothing else is said.

We pull up to the Four Seasons about a half hour later.  Thankfully, the amount of photographers has dwindled down dramatically.  There’s only a handful, and a small gaggle of school kids, fans, waiting for her with their autograph pens in hand.

“I’m not stopping Roy,” she says gruffly as the limo slows to a stop at the curb.  “Get me inside.”

“Of course London.”

He and I exchange glances.

Tonight isn’t going to be a good night for any of us, at this rate.

Roy gets out first, as always, to survey the situation and talk to the doorman.  Sarah and I sit in absolutely silence.  I’m afraid to say anything, because if I do and she doesn’t like it, she’ll start screaming at me again and I can only put up with so much of that in a day.  

Roy knocks on the window about ten minutes later, and I open it a crack.  It’s normal procedure.  It means he’s worked out a plan in his head to keep Sarah away from the people who made her famous, and it’s my job to understand it all and make sure it goes smoothly.  

“I’m going to open the door, you get out first, and wait at the bottom of the stairs.  London, I’m going to help you out of the car and we’re going to walk quickly to Justin, and he’ll follow behind us.  Sound good?”

“I don’t care how you do it,” Sarah grunts.  “Just do it!”

He nods at me, I return it, and then our plan comes to life.  The door opens, there are screams and shouts and flashes, but they subside when I get out first and the door closes behind me.  None of them know me, none of them care, and I walk casually to the base of the marble steps, doing my best to smile for the awaiting doorman.  He seems nervous, but I’m sure that’s because London wasn’t so nice to him when we were leaving the hotel to head to dinner.  He doesn’t speak English very well, and that irritated her.

Roy and Sarah emerge from the limo moments later, and thats when the screams erupt from the fans and photographers.  She quickly slips her sunglasses over her eyes as the flashes start to go off in her face.  She reaches the point where her fans are standing, most of them young kids...thirteen to fifteen, since thats the market her perfume line was advertised to here in France.  They yell out her name, wave their magazines and flyers in her face, begging her for an autograph.

She completely ignores them, and I mean...it’s something I’m used to from this version of Sarah.  But the new one...the new one would have stopped and spent some time with them.

I guess she’s gone.

“Coffee, Justin.”  She snaps, as they reach the staircase, and Roy begins to escort her up to the majestic looking doors.  “It better be hot when you bring it up to the room.”

“Fine.”

She glances back at me.  “Fine?”

It’s like nothing has changed.  Not one thing.  “Of course, London.”

“Hmph.”

She disappears inside, Roy at her side, and I know my place now.  The gopher, the lackey.

Definitely not her friend.  Not anymore.
************
I made sure I brought Sarah a hot coffee and then I locked myself in my room for as long as I could.  She called me at one point and demanded that I go down to the kitchen and steep her tea personally, and supervise her dinner order.  Of course I did it.  It was so normal, so routine, even though it had been awhile since I’d been ordered around by her.  I fell right into the motions, made the tea and breathed down the neck of that chef until I was satisfied that her dinner (Steamed broccoli and brown rice) was cooked to perfection.

When I brought it up to her, she ordered me to put the tray down on the table in the dining room section of the suite and leave.  I made a small attempt at telling her that I needed to watch her eat, but she had Roy physically throw me out of the room.

He called my room and apologized for that about twenty minutes later, but of course I told him he didn’t need to.  I knew what the deal was.

He said he’ll see me in the morning.

I can’t wait.

In the meantime, I’ve been enjoying the amenities of my junior sweet.  I’ve never been to Paris before.  The farthest London’s career has taken her is the UK for two days, and I didn’t get to see much besides the inside of some shops and restaurants and the building where she did her photo shoot.  Sight seeing had been out of the question.  I remember...she ran me ragged that weekend.  I had a list to fill at Harrods that took me an entire day, and the rest of the time I was at her side, catering to her every desire or stuck in my room catching up on paper work while she and Ray went sight seeing.

It sucked.

And this sucks too, although...I’m determined to get some me time in this week and see some stuff.

The room is huge.  Sarah’s naturally, is the largest they have, but I’m not complaining.  There’s a master bedroom in here, a large bathroom with a hot tub that I fully intend to use later tonight, an eat in kitchen, a living room, and a walk out terrace that overlooks the entire city.  The Eiffel Tower looks amazing from here, and I’m sure when the sun goes down it’ll look even more incredible.

I wish I could share that moment with Sarah.  I know she’d love it...seeing it like that for the first time.

But I can’t.  I fucked up.  I know that, and I’m moving on, going back to the professional relationship with Sarah and nothing more.

I turn off the shower and get out, wrapping a towel around my waist before heading out into the bedroom again.  I pick my phone up from the nightstand and let out a relieved sigh when I realize Sarah hasn’t tried to call or text.  I do, however, have a missed call, and when I peer more closely at the number, I can’t help but cringe.

It’s been years, but I still recognize the number.  Harvey isn’t one for change, and he’s had the same number, same clothes, same shoes for as long as I can remember.  He’s thirty eight now...his kids must be real big.  I smirk slightly, but then it fades.

Why is he calling me?

My stomach lurches, as I think of the worst.  Mom’s passed, I wasn’t there to say goodbye.  Dad’s too distraught to call.  I really don’t want to call him back.

But I don’t have to, because he’s calling me.

With a shaky hand, I answer the call and slowly hold the Blackberry up to my ear.  “Justin...Justin Timberlake.”

“Didn’t think you’d pick up.”  His voice is gruff, and tired.  “Figured I’d just forget about it, but then I decided to give you one more shot.”

“Oh...um...hey Harvey.”

“Charlotte told me she was coming out there in a couple of weeks to see you.  I told her I didn’t want her going out to no Los Angeles, but she’s insisting that she wants to see you, so I’m giving in, but don’t you dare think for a minute that this makes up for anything.”

I do my best not to crack.  The last time we saw each other, it was a brawl that left him with a black eye and me with a bloody lip.  It affected me a lot I guess, messed me up because...because when I was young, he was the one I looked up to, the one who taught me so much about being a man because he was so much older than me.  “I’m not expecting anything from you.  I just want to see my sister.”

“Well that better be all,” he grunts.  “You better not be showing your face back up here when she comes home either.  You just tell her that you have things to do and you can’t come home right now if the subject comes up.”

“I had no intentions of coming home.”

“ ‘Course not,” he laughs, bitterly.  “Why would you?”

I can’t say anything.  The anger is boiling inside of me, threatening to escape, and after so many years, screaming at him over the phone is the last thing I want to do.  

“And another thing.  Momma’s health ain’t what it used to be.  They’re going to have to move her to a different facility.  Somethin’ more expensive.  I’ll have daddy send you out the bill when it comes time.”

“What...how much more expensive?”  I begin to pace back and forth.

It’s my burden, my responsibility, but I’m red lining as it is.  If the bills goes up anymore, I won’t be able pay for my mother’s care, not unless I get a raise, and right now of course...that’s not likely.  

“It’s about three thousand more a month.  I’m sure you can manage, with that fancy job of yours.”

My stomach drops.  “Three thousand?”

“You heard me.”

“Harvey...I don’t know if...”

“I’ll get you the bill,” he says, talking over me.  “And if it’s not paid up, I guess I know what this family has really meant to you all along.  Nothing.”

“That’s not fair.”

He hangs up on me.  I let out a bitter laugh and toss my phone onto the bed.  It’s typical, I wouldn’t expect anything else from him.  I shouldn’t care.

But I do care.  I care more than he’ll ever know.

My room phone starts to ring next, and I know it’s Sarah.  Bad timing.  Horrible timing.  I can’t deal with her fucked up shit right now.  I need to deal with this situation, but she’s not going to let me.  She doesn’t care, just like Harvey doesn’t.  They’re exactly the fucking same.  

“Hello?”

“Where the hell are you?”

“My room?”

“It’s almost eight.  You haven’t briefed me for tomorrow.  I’m waiting.”

“Right yeah...give me a minute.”

“Get off the phone and get up here,” she snaps.  “Now!”

Click.

Fuck.  

I hate everything.

I walk out onto the terrace, contemplate just...jumping off the balcony for the smallest of seconds.  It would feel good to get away.

But I can’t do that to my sister.  She would never forgive me.  So I’ll suck it up, put up with Sarah’s stupid shit and get a good nights sleep...somehow.

I sob, but force myself to stop.
***********
I haven’t hurled and I guess that’s the best thing about today.

I’m an idiot.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m just...so angry.  I’m so angry at him for brushing me aside like so many others have. This is the only way I know how to deal with it.

But Justin doesn’t deserve it.

“Five am wake up call.  Lania will be here by five forty five.”

His eyes are blood shot, and red.  He hasn’t clean shaved in a couple of days, and that tired grown in stubble is there, more apparent than ever.  His hair is messy, not nicely gelled down as always.  Instead of coming to see me in his professional attire, he showed up at the door in jeans and an old tee shirt.  He looked so normal and I wished for a very long moment that I could go back in time and change all the stupid things I said this afternoon.

But I can’t change them.

This is just who I am.

“We have to be at TV 4 by seven fifteen the latest, then we’ll get you to the shoot, after that you should be free until dinner time.  After you eat we’ll get you to the signing.”  He makes some notations on his pad and then looks up at me, rubbing his face tiredly.  “Got all that?”

“Whatever.”  I roll my eyes and lean my cheek against my fist.  “As long as you bring your brain with you tomorrow, it’ll be fine.”

“Will do.”  He gets up quickly and gathers his things.  “Night.”

I watch him stalk towards the door, and I almost let him leave without another word...but I just...I know this isn’t what I should be doing.

After everything, after how far we’ve come and after what he’s done for me, I should be treating him better.  I shouldn’t be so bitter about his feelings, or the things he doesn’t want to talk about with me.

He’s shown me that I’m better than that.

“Justin...wait a second.”

His hand is on the door handle, and I watch his shoulders slump in defeat.  It takes him a good minute to look back at me, and I can tell he’s ready to rip me apart, but he’s hiding it well.  “What else do you need, Sarah?”

“I...”  I sigh heavily and get up from my seat, crossing my arms as I look down at the floor.  “I acted...terrible today.”

He’s quiet for a long time before he finally responds.  “Yeah, I guess you did.”

I meet his gaze.  He’s just done.  I can feel it.  He doesn’t care what I say to him right now.  All he wants to do is get away from me, just like everybody else does.

“Well I...”  I trail off and walk closer to him.  He seems to tense up, so I make sure I keep my distance.  “I want to say that I’m sorry and that I shouldn’t have taken out my issues on you.  I was confused, and I guess I still am but that’s not your fault.  You have issues that don’t involve me and I should have understood that.”

He shrugs.  “That’s fine, until the next time.”

He has a point.  I’m so fucked up that I don’t know when I’ll be nasty and when I won’t be, and while I’ve been trying my best to keep that attitude away from him, I know I didn’t try hard enough.  “I don’t want there to be a next time.”

He takes a small step towards me.  “But there will be.  We both know that.  I thought we could talk now...at least, I thought you could talk to me, because I was willing to listen.”

“But you weren’t willing to talk to me, Justin.  I think that’s why I snapped.  I just...”

“You don’t want to know about me,” he laughs lightly . “Sarah, I’m nothing to write home about, and you don’t need to be burdened with my life.  I liked things the way they were before you even...knew I had a personal life.”

“At least let me know that you’re okay.”

He stares at me for a long time, like he doesn’t know what to say.  I’ve confused him, obviously, but I still want to help if I can.

“I’ll manage.” He smirks.  “Get some rest.”  He turns the handle and opens the door.  “Call if you need something.  I’ll be up for awhile.”

He turns his back on me.

But I can’t do this.  I can’t let him go.

“No...”  I walk up to him and grab his arm, gently pulling him to me before he can get out the door.  Strangely, he doesn’t resist, and when I wrap my arms around his waist and stare up into his eyes, he almost seems a little thankful.

“I can’t do this,” he whispers, his eyes getting small as if he’s holding back his tears.  “I can’t get close to somebody else.”

“Why not?” I whisper, as I reach up and stroke his face gently.  “Why can’t you let me in, Justin?”

“Because I’m a fuck up.  I’m no good.”

“Says who?  Me? I’m...I wasn’t...”

“It wasn’t you,” he sighs.  “It was never you.”

“Justin...”

I’m cut short when his lips brush against mine.  It takes my breath away, because it was so damn unexpected, and when I pull away again I find that there is a tear gliding down his face.  “You’re crying.  Justin...”

“Look I...I don’t talk about anything, with anyone,” he whispers.  “I can’t because it hurts.  I thought working for you was perfect, you know? You didnt’ seem to care about me, and I could just work and be done with everything else.”

“That’s...that’s horrible.”

He nods.  “I know that, but it helped harden me I guess.  I was blind to a lot of things for years and then...then when we kissed I just...”

“You remembered you had a heart in there?”

“I guess so.”

“So let it out.”

He runs the tips of his fingers down my cheek and stares back into my eyes for such a long time.  “I’m scared.”

“So am I.”

But then he kisses me again.  He kisses me again and it’s just like before, in the hospital, when we weren’t thinking about anything else.

And I know it’s real.

I know that he loves me, and that I love him.  It was never fake, it was just something he wanted to hide from.

But I’ll never let him do that again, and when he pulls me back into my suite, through the dining room and into the bedroom, I know he doesn’t want to hide anymore.

He wants me.

My clothes come off piece by piece once my body hits the bed, and I pull his shirt off, undo his belt buckle until there’s nothing left but his boxer shorts and my bra and panties.  He’s on top of me, kissing my face, and my neck, staring back into my eyes with sheer amazement, like he doesn’t know how we got here but he doesn’t want to stop.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

He whispers it, and smiles.  I don’t say anything, I can’t.  I just let him pull the rest of my clothes off, and soon enough his warm flesh is pressed right up against mine.  We make love slowly, softly, there in the bed, more than once, and end up collapsing into each others arms after, just holding each other, his hands slowly running themselves up and down my skin like a thousand soft little kisses on my body.

I know there’s no where else I’d rather be, no one else I’d rather be with.  

“I love you too, Justin,” I whisper.