“She’s what?”
“Out with my sister.”
Trace laughs out loud and sits back in his chair. “The Ice Queen herself? What’s she doing? Giving her some pointers on how to be a stuck up little cunt?”
“I should totally kick your ass for that one.”
“You wouldn’t.”
I sigh. “They didn’t hit it off, but she still wanted to take Charlotte around town. Who was I to stop her?”
“They might claw each others eyes out.”
I sink a little lower in the chair. “She’s doing this for me.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, just eats his burger and gives me this queer little smile in between bites, like he knows something is up. I haven’t told him anything yet, despite our phone calls, despite our few meetings at the cafe over the last couple of weeks. I guess thats bad, because he’s the only friend I have out here besides Sarah. I should have told him what was going on. But how do you just...tell people that you’re dating one of the biggest celebrities in the country? I don’t see Sarah that way but other people do, and I’m just a nobody to them. A nobody dating a somebody and I don’t want them talking, don’t want the whispers to reach Sarah’s ears, making her second guess being with me.
I couldn’t take it, because I’m too far gone now, lost in her. I don’t know what I’d do if she suddenly decided being with me was the wrong choice. As it is, I’m terrified of what will happen today when she’s alone with my sister. I warned Charlotte as much as I could, told her I didn’t want her mentioning mom again, or Harvey...or any of our family issues to Sarah when they were out together.
But my sister never listens to anybody. Hell, that’s why she’s here, because she wouldn’t back down when Harvey lectured her about me. I should be thankful that she loved me enough to brush our oldest brother’s opinions under the rug, but I...I can’t be. If she says the wrong thing to Sarah, I’m going to get questioned, and...and I can’t just talk about it with her, because I won’t be able to hold myself together.
I’m not ready to crack, to confess that I’m really not the great guy she thinks I am. I’m not ready to tell her how I’m a deserter, that I hide from issues instead of facing them head on.
I’m not ready to tell her that everything Harvey says about me is the truth.
“Be honest with me Justin.” He’s still smiling as he asks me the question. “What’s really going on?”
I shrug, can’t look him in the eye. “I don’t get what you mean.”
He laughs slightly. “I wasn’t born yesterday. You guys are fucking, aren’t you?”
“That’s a classy way of putting it.” I sit up and roll my eyes. “Dick.”
“Shit man, how’d you manage it? She’s hot, but I figured she would to be too stuck in her own ass to give you a look.”
“We’re not fucking, Trace.” I narrow my eyes and give him a dark look. “It’s different with her.”
“Women like that are never different,” he points out. “Believe me, I date plenty of them. Actresses...models, they’re all the same, no matter how high they climb up the chain. They take what they can get from you and move on.”
“You’re warped. I don’t have anything to offer Sarah. We just...fell in love with each other.”
“Nothing to offer, huh?” He rests his elbows on the table and leans forward, his expression growing serious and slightly concerned for the first time. “She just got out of rehab right?”
“That has nothing...”
“Just listen to me for a minute. Then you can say whatever you want.”
I sit back, cross my arms, and sigh.
“She just got out of rehab, so I’m assuming she’s got a few big gigs lined up right?”
“Well...she’s got this Chet McStevens movie, some interviews, and she just signed on for a few more endorsement deals. Her schedule is full and since she doesn’t have a manager right now, it’s getting pretty hectic.”
“Right, so don’t you think it would make her image that much more endearing to the public if they found out she’d started dating oh say...the innocent kid from the sticks who’s been by her side all these years? People eat that shit up, Justin. I do graphic design, and I know people want a good image. Right now, she needs that more than anybody else in the industry. She needs people to think she has a heart in there. That there’s more complexity behind her name, that she can come down off her pedestal and date an everyday joe because she’s so “humble”. That’s how these people make money, and get the roles that they want. Everything is a business to them, even their relationships.”
“Shit,” I scoff. “I thought you’d be a little excited for me.”
“I’m not saying that...it’s bad,” he sighs. “I’m just telling you to be careful. You’re a good guy Justin. People like London...”
“Sarah.”
He rolls his eyes. “Fine. People like Sarah...they can get carried away. I don’t want to see you get hurt, that’s all. You deserve better. You work hard.”
I know he has a point. Lots of points, but at the same time I don’t want to listen. All I want to do is love my girlfriend, and forget about the rest of the world.
But it can’t be that simple. I knew that from the beginning and Trace is just reiterating the facts.
“So I’m going to assume you’re turning down my invitation,” I say.
“Invitation?”
“Sarah’s throwing an industry party at the house. She wanted me to invite my friends, and since you’re basically all I’ve got out here...”
“A chance for free advertising? Are you kidding me? Of course I’ll go.”
“You...you will?”
“Everybody important shows up at those things. I mean, yeah...I’ll support you, and I won’t say a word about what we talked about, but at the same time I can network the business. It’s like that quid pro quo thing.”
“Huh?”
“Just relax,” he laughs. “It’ll be fine. Make sure you Facebook me the date and time so I can clear my schedule.”
I just nod a little. I shouldn’t be so surprised. He’d do almost anything for me and I’d do the same for him. I’m a little nervous to introduce him to Sarah, but I know Trace will fake a smile and handshake no matter what he’s thinking.
It’ll be fine...I guess.
It has to be.
****************
Charlotte hasn’t had much time to give me dirty looks, or rag on me about what a horrible person I am today. She’s been very overwhelmed. That first photographer who was snapping pictures of us in front of the mall entrance got to her, I think. She’s not used to that sort of thing, and she clammed up real quick, like she was afraid of the guy. I just laughed it off and told her to follow me inside, which she did without a sound.
It’s been hours. We’ve been to dozens of stores, I’ve bought a ton of shit, and she’s barely tried on a thing. Now we’re at lunch, and she’s picking at her salad...acting like she’s terrified.
I can’t take it. One minute she’s a bitch and the next she’s a scared little girl.
“You need to snap out of it.” I shove a forkful of salad in my mouth when I finish saying it.
She glances at me for a spilt second.
“I mean it, Charlotte. You’re my guest and...and I’m trying here, okay? Maybe we didn’t get off to such a great start but I really meant it when I said I wanted to get to know you better.”
She shifts the food around her plate forever, deeply contemplating something before that look of confidence takes over her expression, the one I saw earlier when she was screaming at me about their mother...how she’s dying...
My stomach has been in knots all day over it. At times I’ve had to go into the bathroom, and I nearly vomited but I stopped myself.
I just feel like it’s my fault, all of this. If I just calmed down a little in the past, if I’d just forgotten about my fucking ego and realized how I was treating Justin maybe he would have been able to spend more time with his mother.
Now I feel like it’s too late, that he’s accepted she’s dying and he’s in too much pain to go home and see her. I want to push him about it. I want to tell him I’ll cancel my life to go back home with him and support him while he deals with his family.
He just...wants nothing to do with it, so it seems. He pushed me away this morning, the other day, and every other time I’ve even come close to getting him to talk about his past with me. He’s afraid I guess. With his sister here though, it’s going to be difficult for him to tuck all that way. If I could, I’d tell him to get on the next flight back home with her so he could take some time to deal. He wouldn’t though.
He puts me first, even though he shouldn’t.
“Look you just don’t get it,” Charlotte finally says. “You don’t know anything about us.”
“Well I’m trying to.”
“Justin wouldn’t sell us out to somebody like you. Personally, I don’t even know what he sees in you. Maybe he’s just sticking around so he’ll be able to give Harvey money and pay for my school, which he shouldn’t have to do...” She trails off and presses her lips together, like she knows she’s telling me too much.
“Harvey?” I cock my head to the side, realizing that it’s all starting to make sense. I’ve paid Justin well over the years. Not as much as some people would have, but I always assumed he put his money to good use, built a nice financial portfolio for himself. I figured if I wasn’t paying him enough he would have told me, even during those times I was treating him the worst.
Now I’m getting the feeling that Justin is broke most of the time. That he’s stuck around, put up with all of my baggage because he knew I would continue to put a roof over his head and give him the food out of my kitchen no matter what.
My stomach starts to hurt as the questions begin to pop up in the back of my mind.
Does he really love me? Is he using me? Would he stick around if I took him off my payroll?
I have no idea. Fuck, I didn’t even know he was sending most of his money back home.
I feel...a little betrayed. I knew something was up that last day in Paris, when I questioned him about his finances. He charmed me over though, got that idea out of my head really quick.
If he really loved me, why wouldn’t he have told me something as important as this? I understand that he wasn’t ready to talk about all his family issues but this is his salary. The salary that I’m paying him.
I just don’t understand him, and I really...I really thought I did.
“I have six brothers. Harvey is the oldest. He helps dad out a lot, and he doesn’t think that Justin deserves to breathe the same air as any of us. When he left for LA it was a big deal. Harvey got it in his head that Justin was deserting us and they got into this big fight. They haven’t spoken since, except to discuss finances, and Harvey put it into our brother’s heads that they shouldn’t have anything to do with Justin either. They listened but he couldn’t get me to agree with him. Dad and I are the only ones who aren’t angry that he left.”
“It seems a little extreme. Everybody copes with things in their own way.”
She shrugs. “You don’t know Harvey. He’s really hardcore, and he’s given Justin a really hard time about...everything.”
“If your mom is...is really sick then I think you should bring your brother home...”
“He won’t go,” she whispers. “He’s been real weird about mom ever since she...couldn’t remember who he was. It changed him. He left right after that happened. He’d kill me if he knew I was telling you all this, but I really don’t see the point in keeping it a secret. If you’re dating him, you should know these things.”
It’s the first logical thing she’s said to me this entire trip, and I’m starting to see a side to Charlotte now that I didn’t know she was capable of having. She seems so much more mature than I originally thought. She’s so hardened...so adult, and I guess she’s young enough where she shouldn’t have to act like this. It seems like things back home are hard enough though. There’s no time for her to be acting like a irresponsible twenty something.
“What...what do you mean she can’t remember?”
“She’s had Dementia for years. It wasn’t really bad until Justin graduated high school. You could still have a conversation with her before that and she was still at home most of the time. Then she just...sort of spiraled down, and we had to put her in a full time care facility because she couldn’t be on her own anymore. One day we went to visit her. Justin brought her flowers, and she completely freaked out. She kept asking him who he was and why he was there...I’ll never forget that day. After that, all he wanted to do was get away from us. He couldn’t handle it, you know? Out of all of us, Mom was closest with Justin. It killed him.”
“He...he never told me anything about this.”
“Justin isn’t like that. I doubt he’s told anyone out here. He came to escape all of that. I guess he figured acting would take him away from his problems...except he never landed a career. He just...got stuck with you instead.”
I meet her gaze, look into her eyes that are the same as Justin’s, and I know she’s right. It was never about acting for Justin. It was about escaping, and having me around to criticize him and keep him busy twenty four seven was probably more comfort than torture. He didn’t have to think about everything else while I was doing that, only about me.
I know why he stayed now, and...even now that he tells me he loves me I just...I don’t think I can believe it.
I became his escape, and that was never my intention. It’s no wonder he was terrified of falling in love with me.
But did he give in for the right reasons? I really don’t know
And that hurts.
“London?”
I sniffle, get myself together and force a smile for her. “It’s Sarah.”
“Oh...okay.”
“C’mon.” I motion for the check while managing to keep that professional smile on my face for her. “Have you ever had a makeover?”
“Um...no?”
“Then lets make the best of the rest of the day.”
She gives me a little smile, like she’s underestimated me. I guess the day hasn’t turned out so bad after all. We understand each other a little more, and that’s all I really could have asked for. Although, I have more questions about my boyfriends feelings for me now than I’ve ever had before.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm sorry it's taken so long between updates. I've been so busy! I hope you like this!
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