I called Charlotte, even though it was the last thing Justin would have wanted. I knew he would be upset with me for taking action regarding his personal family drama, but I couldn’t help myself. I had grown fond of his sister, I loved him, and I couldn’t bare to see him in pain. Every week following our conversation at dinner, I would notice the look on his face when I would issue him his paycheck. It was like…he wished it would just disappear, and I knew…I just knew he couldn’t carry on like that. He worked too hard, and I loved him too much. I sat in my trailer one afternoon, while he was out on a coffee run for us, and debated if it was something I should go through with. I knew his family was having a lot of financial difficulties as far as his mothers health care and his sisters college education went. In my heart, I felt the right thing to do was to rid them of their problems, so my boyfriend could finally be at peace and keep the money that he worked so hard to earn.
I was deceptive about it, I guess. When I called Charlotte, I casually asked for her home mailing address. I told her Hailey had a pen pal project for school and wanted to write to her. Naturally, Charlotte loved the idea and gladly gave me the information I desired.
Only, that was so far from what I needed that information for. As soon as I got off the phone I called my accountant and asked him to overnight a check for a hundred thousand dollars in Charlotte’s name. I didn’t know what her reaction would be, but I prayed that she would take the money and not complain.
It’s been a week since then. She hasn’t called me, and Justin hasn’t said a word. The check was cashed though, I called my accountant to confirm it. I’m sure Charlotte must be confused, and overwhelmed, but relieved at the same time. Maybe she made something up. Maybe she told her father she won the lotto or a contest at school. I hope so, because if Justin finds out what I did, I feel like he’ll scream at me for taking control of a situation that’s basically none of my concern.
The industry gathering we organized together was a giant success. My colleagues were thrilled with the theming and the catered food, telling me that it was so much better than the other parties they’d been to in the past year, and I needed to have more of my own. I was excited, but I could tell that Justin could have done without a monthly get together at my house. I know planning the whole thing was an added burden to his already overwhelming workload. I think it was worth it though. He met a lot of people that night, a lot of producers and agents that gave him their cards and told him he had the look that the industry was screaming for. Some said he had a future in television and movies. I could tell he was flattered but was trying hard not to let it show. He’s so committed to being professional. Hell, he only had one beer the whole night, and made sure to stick right by my side. He talked me up to the high heavens, and even though we’d already gone with Benny as my new manager, I have a four page list of other contacts who would love to work with me if the situation should ever arise.
I was also able to mingle with even bigger directions, screenwriters, and producers. Some of which have worked with multiple Oscar winning actors and actresses. Steven Spielberg is interested, so is Darren Aronofsky, and Martin Scorsese even said I might be perfect for the female lead in his next movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh yeah, he was there too, all smiles, telling me he’d like to read with me as soon I can schedule him in.
I’m over the moon.
The whole night was incredible.
Actually, the only thing that was semi awkward was being introduced to Trace, Justin’s best and only friend other than myself. He seemed less than thrilled when we shook hands, but still managed a smile and a casual hello. I could tell that he didn’t trust me. Justin said he’s cautious of people like me. I guess I understand. Most women in my position wouldn’t date someone like Justin, they would sell their soul to get a chance to be seen with Chet on the regular instead, because he can boost their media appeal and get them more work.
But that’s not love, and as I came to realize, Chet isn’t the best choice in men. I swear I saw three different women hanging off of him that night. Even so, he made every attempt to bump into, and talk to me, acting as if Justin wasn’t there with his arm around me. He kept saying how excited he was about the movie, about our promotional stint for the New York premier in a couple of months. I’m told we’ll be there for a week, doing Letterman, Fallon, and every day time talk show imaginable. Benny has sold us as a duo because he says we’ll make more money that way. He says he wants us to start doing more movies together, because we’re a marketable team.
He also hinted at other things the night of my party, and at first I didn’t want to give in, but then the whole thing blew up thanks to a sneaky photographer. I wasn’t paying attention, and I guess…I wasn’t paying attention to where Chet’s hands were when we went to lunch one day while we were filming.
I’ve apologized to Justin so many times. Benny, on the other hand, though it was great. When the photos initially surfaced, the phone was ringing off the hook and every media outlet in the country wanted to know more about the hot and steamy romance between Chet McStevens and London Pierce. They ate up every word Benny told them, and before…before I knew what was happening, our lawyers, a representative from US Weekly, and Benny were in a conference with the two of us, offering us the deal of a lifetime. All we had to do was sign on for the summer, show them that we may or may not be dating. Benny promised the money would come rolling in.
He wasn’t lying.
Justin is infuriated that I agreed to do this. Initially, he wanted me to breach the contract, walk away…
I couldn’t do it, though. We’ve fought about it more times than I’d like to remember. He can’t see my side. Benny is getting me more work right now than Ray ever did. More work than I could ever dream of. In the past month I’ve done cover shoots for Vogue, Cosmo, GQ, People, and Maxim. This week it’s Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone is featuring me. I’m getting the cover and a four page article all about my life, career and for the first time…I’ll be talking publicly about my…relationship. Chet hasn’t even been featured in Rolling Stone yet, and Benny is thrilled, says any up and comer who gets featured by them usually goes on to be a huge star. I told him I thought I already was, but he just laughed at me. He said I was only at the beginning and there was a lot more work to be done before I could be considered a true Starlet.
I guess I have a ways to go before people will be associating me with Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts.
“So when he asks you about your off screen chemistry, you say…” My publicist, Michelle, raises an eyebrow.
Today I’m doing Jimmy Kimmel without Chet. He had a prior obligation, and Benny figured out of all the talk shows he could miss, this one was the least watched, so I could just go myself. He left specific notes with Michelle though. What he wants me to say when I’m asked about my relationship with Chet, and our off screen “relationship”. Up until now I’ve said we’re just friends, and that he’s a great person to work with.
Benny wants more though. The first set of pictures wasn’t enough. He’s invested with this and I signed the new forms last week, basically ordering me to make several weekly public appearances with Chet during the next few months, so more pictures will be able to surface. I signed, only because Justin said he would try, because he loves me, and he trusts that it won’t go further than a picture with a kiss.
He wasn’t happy when he said it though. He said he needed a day to himself, and I let him have it.
I look at Justin now. He’s focused on his Blackberry and nothing else.
We had a blow out last night, haven’t really spoken since, except about todays agenda. He knew this was coming, but I guess…seeing the new pictures got to him. He said I was too close, that I was doing too much with Chet, that he didn’t like where he was touching me or where I was touching him. He didn’t like that we went swimming, either. I told him it’s just the industry, that it doesn’t mean anything. I was just following the guidelines Benny made for us. It’s just to get a media boost, that’s it.
“I say…that we’re not really sure, but we’ve been hanging out a lot.”
“And he’s planning on showing the US Weekly photos. I need you to laugh, possibly be embarrassed, and then finally admit that you’ve been dating. You can pull it off, right, London?”
“Yeah.” But I’m not looking at her. All I can do is stare at Justin, pray for his approval.
But I’m stupid if I think I’ll get it.
He told me to do what I want, that he knows it’s the business, but that he won’t accept it, and that I shouldn’t expect him to be happy when he sees pictures in his email of Chet and I together…holding hands, touching, and kissing while we’re out somewhere.
It’s just for the summer. Benny promised me. It’s just to get the movie promoted a little better and get Chet some more gigs on his own. He says it makes us so much more desirable this way.
But I know it’s wrong. I guess that’s why I sent Charlotte the money. It was to try and tame my guilt, but it didn’t do that at all. All I see lately is the pain in Justin’s eyes. We’re still together, still do things, still make love, but something has changed drastically. He’s cautious. He’s scared of this made-for-media relationship I have with Chet now.
I can’t blame him for that.
The relationship I’ll be discussing in Rolling Stone is the one I have with Chet. I think that hurt Justin most of all, but I don’t have a choice. Anything out of line regarding Chet right now will be breach of contract, and I can’t afford it. I’m so close to getting everything I ever wanted.
Justin has to hold on a little while longer. I’m positive he can do it. I know we love each other enough.
I film Kimmel while Justin waits backstage. He doesn’t kiss me, doesn’t wish me a good interview, just focuses on his phone and some paperwork. The interview goes on without hiccup. I like Jimmy. He’s nice, laid back, and makes me feel comfortable. It’s easy to lie about my romance, because he makes it humorous rather than serious. I feel so good after I get backstage, in fact, that I’ve all but forgotten about my fight with Justin.
“Hey.” I smile for him. “Did you watch?”
“Yeah.” He won’t look at me. He’s still on his phone.
“Are you going to stay mad at me forever.”
He shrugs, and it takes him a second, but he finally looks at me. “I just got a call from my brother. Did you sent Charlotte a check?”
I feel my heart stop, and then start again. “I…well, yes. She didn’t say anything though. I figured…”
“Why’d you do it?”
He’s staring into my eyes so intensely, like a million thoughts are racing through his brain at the same time. r32;r32;“I wanted to help.”
He lets out a bitter laugh. “It wasn’t because you were trying to make up for everything that’s been going on?”
I look at the floor. “I…I just wanted you to have some relief, and keep the money you make.”
“Answer me.”
It takes me a long time to look him in the eyes again, when I do, I see that pained look still lingering there, and he’s standing with his arms crossed, protectively. It’s telling me he barely trusts me right now. “I guess I felt guilty, yeah.”
“Why would you feel guilty when it’s all fake anyway, Sarah?”
“I don’t know.” I walk away from him then, done arguing, done defending myself. It’s a contract. There’s no feelings between Chet and I, even though he’d like nothing more than to strip me naked and do me.
“Sarah.”
I feel him behind me, his hand on my shoulder, and I stop walking. “Justin…”
“Look.” He comes around where I can see him. “I don’t really know why you did it, Sarah. I just know that today was like, the first time years that my brother has treated me like a member of the human race.”
I can’t help but smile. “Really?”
He nods slightly. “He…he said that he wants me to come home, so we can talk. He begged me, Sarah.”
“Baby, that’s great!” I wrap my arms around him and hold him close.
He doesn’t return my embrace.
“Sarah.”
I back up slightly. “What’s the matter?”
He sighs harshly, like he’s fighting a very difficult battle with himself. “What I meant was…he wants me to come home for…for awhile.”
“Oh…”
It doesn’t make sense at first. What is it? A week? Two weeks? I mean, I could handle it. I’d force myself to. Benny is a good multi takser, and Lania could double as my assistant while Justin is away.
It’s not a problem.
“Well I’m sure I can work something out for a couple of weeks,” I force a smile. “No problem.”
He takes my hands and pulls me gently towards him. “It’s not just a couple of weeks, Sarah.”
A feeling of dread sweeps over me. The look in his eyes is saying it all, that he’s going home, to his family that he hasn’t seen in five years…
And he’s not coming back.
“What…what do you mean?”
“My mom is dying,” he whispers, trying so hard to hold his emotions back. “This might be my last chance to spend time with her…for all of us to spend time with her, before she passes away. If I leave, Sarah, I don’t think I can come back. I think I would need to relocate permanently, at least for now. I need to help my father, and reconnect with my brothers.”
“Permanently?”
I feel the joy and excitement inside of me slip away. Everything we’ve built, everything we’ve been through…its just about to be gone.
“I want you to come with me.”
He tugs me close to him, and wraps me up in his arms. Suddenly I forget about contracts, media boosts and publicity. The only thing I can do is hold him close to me and lean my head against his chest. “Come home with you?”
“Yeah.” I feel him kiss the top of my head. “Let’s get away from all this for awhile. I’m not saying it’s forever, but…just for now. We would have enough money to live comfortably for decades, Sarah. We could take Hailey, start a new life. It would be perfect.”
Part of me wants to do it so badly. Just say, fuck it all, and move out to the sticks with him, buy a little house with some barn yard animals and live a simple life.
But then there’s my career.
I’ve worked, hell, killed myself, to make it here, right where we’re standing.
Am I ready to give it all up? Now, when I’m on top of the fuckin’ world?
I stare up at him. He’s smiling, gazing down in my eyes, because in his heart, he’s expecting that I’ll tell him yes, kiss him, and run out of this studio with him. He’s expecting to rush back to the house, pack the essentials and my kid and catch the first flight back to his hometown.
“Sarah,” he whispers, caressing my face gently. “I love you, and maybe, hell, in a couple of years, we’ll end up married if we do this. I want that for us. I want to be a father to Hailey and just…be with you, away from all this media and bullshit. Let’s go.”
He pulls away, expecting me to follow behind him. I just…I can’t do it. I stand there, frozen, unsure of what to do, or what to tell him.
I can’t walk out on my career. I just can’t do it, even though I love him more than anything. My career is still so important to me, and to my future.
“C’mon,” he turns around and smiles. “It’s sporadic, sure, but it’s exciting, don’t you think?”
“Justin, I can’t go with you.”
His smile, and the light in his eyes, seem to fade at the same time. “What?”
“I just…look at the career we’ve created,” I say, not quite meeting his gaze now. “We’ve worked so hard and look where we are. How can you want to leave it all behind now?”
“Because having a normal life is more important than tabloids and bullshit.”
“You’re just angry about the photos…”
“My mother is dying, Sarah,” he interrupts me, roughly. “You begged me to let you into this part of my life. Now you’re acting like it doesn’t phase you.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then why can’t you walk away from all of this for the good of us?”
I cross my arms, and hold back a sob from him. “Because I’ve worked really hard to get here.”
“So that’s more important than us?”
I shrug. “I don’t know right now.”
He laughs, more bitterly than ever before. “You know…I half expected this.”
“Come on, Justin.”
He holds his arms out at his sides, the frustration clear in his expression. “Do you fucking love me or not?”
“You know I do.”
“But not enough to do this.”
I hang my head low. “I just know that…right now, isn’t the time I want to walk away from my career.”
“Then I guess I know where we stand.”
“Don’t walk away.” I look up and move closer towards him, but he backs away. “We can work this out, you know? You can go for a couple of weeks and…”
“Fuck! I haven’t seen them, hell, talked to my brothers in five years! Do you hear yourself? You’re more selfish than I thought!”
I can’t say anything else. I know he’s right.
“Take this as my resignation. I'll be packed and out by the morning,” he says, angrily. “Good luck with Chet.”
“Justin, don’t walk away!”
But he does.
And I’m left standing in the empty television studio, with my career in check, and strong, because of him, and only because of him.
But what I’ve lost, seems so much bigger than anything I could put on film.
If that’s true though, why am I not going after him? Why am I letting him go?
I guess I just value fame more than a shot at true love, and happiness. Sarah has all but faded away. London has taken over now, she’s all that’s left of me.
I can never get Sarah back, but I guess that’s better, because she’s who Justin loved, who he valued, and without him, there’s no reason for her to stick around. London will press on, win Oscars and sleep with a thousand hollywood hunks before she becomes washed up and addicted to uppers again.
At least she’ll be numb to reality, even though, right now, the pain is burning so badly in my gut that I feel like I’ll never recover.
And all I can do, is cry, because the one person that kept me from falling off the edge is just…gone.
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