Sarah sent my sister a check for a hundred grand.  The guilty feeling in my gut hasn’t gone away since my brother called to ask me about it.  I’m leaving her behind, because I don’t have a choice, but one day, years from now, I swear I’m going to pay her the money back.  Even though our fight was bitter and our breakup was worse than I ever thought it would be, I still don’t feel right taking her money and walking away.  My family needs it though, desperately.  I can’t deny that the check is saving us, saving the house and the family business.  When mom finally passes on, all of her funeral expenses and final medical bills will be paid in full.

Most importantly though, Charlotte will be able to stay in school, and even transfer to a better university because of the check.

I don’t know how I can ever repay Sarah for what she’s done for them.

Maybe, after a few weeks of being home and settling things with my family, I’ll get up the guts to call and give her a final thank you before I truly move on with my life.

“Justin…Dad and I…we’ve been talking.” It was one of the first things Harvey said to me after asking me about the money.  I was ready to be ripped apart and criticized by him again, to be told I better not try to come home and that no amount of money would change the fact that I was a deserter.

“Harvey, look…I’m not trying to change your mind about anything…”

“Can I just talk to you for a second?”

It was the most compassion I’d heard in his voice since I left home, and it took everything in me to swallow back my tears and keep my emotions in check for my oldest brother.  “Sure.”

“Maybe I’ve been too harsh when it comes to your choices,” he said gently.  “I’ve been angry for a long time, and it has more to do with momma bein’ sick and daddy bein’ between jobs.  I just…you and me, we always stuck together.  When you left, I felt like you didn’t care and I wouldn’t listen to anybody.”

“It was my fault,” I murmured.  “I should have stuck around but…”

“I’d rather not talk about this over the phone,” he interrupted me.  “The reason I’m calling…is to ask if you’ll come home for awhile.”

“Home?” My voice cracked, and I felt my heart begin to race.  Five years out in LA had made me more than homesick, but I never had an option to go back home.  Harvey was beginning to have a change of heart, he was starting to turn back into the brother that I looked up to and idolized all my life.

“I know it’s a lot to take in,” he sighed.  “I haven’t been…supportive, of anything that you’ve been doing.  I couldn’t understand why you chose to cope the way you did, but I should have realized…not everybody can deal with things the way I can.  I want you to come home and see us, and spend time with momma before…she’s gone.  I want you to stay, Justin…build your life with us.”

He didn’t have to explain anything else to me then.  I knew it was bad, that she didn’t have a lot of time left.  Harvey was being my brother, he knew the only way to fix things between myself and the family was to spend that time with me and reconnect.

It was the only thing in the world that I wanted more than my girlfriend.

“When?” I finally asked.

“As soon as you can get a plane ticket.”

“I’ll be there, day after tomorrow,” I promised him.  “Thank…thank you, Harvey.”

“No need to thank me.  I love you, little brother.”

He hung up after that, and I felt my eyes fill with tears. Immediately, I started to forget about my girlfriend’s media frenzy, Chet McStevens, and the wedge he was driving between us.  I was certain when she finished filming Kimmel, that she would want to move back home with me, and get away from all the media hype surrounding her.

But she just…chose her career instead.  She chose Chet and the guaranteed publicity he could get her, over us.

So I walked away.

I packed my bags and called Trace, who didn’t hesitate to pick me up from Sarah’s.  I said my goodbyes to Marcia, who wished me luck and told me not to come back, and of course I told her I wouldn’t.  Then I called Lania, Sarah’s stylist, because I guess I couldn’t walk out of that life without knowing somebody would be looking out for the woman who had given me everything for five long years.

“I need you to look out for Sarah.”

“What are you talkin’ about,” she giggled.  “London is fine.”

I sighed harshly.  “I’m leaving.  You’re the only person I trust enough to give her good advice and stop her from getting…like she gets.”

“Leaving? What?”

“I have a family issue.  I can’t come back here.  Just say you’ll do it, all right?”

“Oh my God,” she said sadly.

“Lania…please.”

“Okay,” she huffed.  “All right, but you know Justin, you’re the only one who’s been able to keep her in line up until now.  I don’t know what you expect me to do.”

“Be a friend to her,” I whispered.  “Goodbye.”

I hung up before she could say anymore.  Naturally, she called me back twice, but I ignored the calls.  There was one more thing I had to do, and I knew it wouldn’t be easy, so I refused to let anybody else get in the way.

“Hey Monster.”  I picked her up from school.  I don’t know if Sarah even thought about sending someone else, but I figured it didn’t matter.  I was going to be quick, and I told Hailey in the beginning that I wanted her to call her mother as soon as she got inside.

“Can we go to the movies?” She said, excitedly, as we drove out of her school’s parking lot.  “Mom said you’d take me if you weren’t busy today.”

I licked my lips, and smiled for her, almost regretting my decision to say goodbye in person. But I couldn’t have walked out on her that day, without doing it.  Her father had too many times, and I owed it to her after all the time we’d spent together.  “I can’t go today.  I have to pack and get ready to fly home tomorrow.”

“Home?  But you live with us.”

I nodded a little.  “Right, but…my daddy and brothers are back in Nebraska, and I have to go home to them for a while.”

“Why?”

I sighed.  “Because my momma is sick and there’s not much time left to spend with her.”

She looked down at her lap.  “How long will you be away for?”

She knew.  Hailey was always too smart for her own good, and aside from walking away from Sarah, saying goodbye to that kid was the only other thing that nearly broke me apart.  “I don’t know.”

The tears crawled down her face but she never made a sound.  She was too used to being neglected, tossed to the side, and receiving broken promises.  In that moment, I would have done anything to be able to take her with me, away from the superficiality of Hollywood, and a mother that I knew wouldn’t be there for her after I was gone.  

“I’m gonna miss you.”

I reached out and she grabbed onto my hand.  “I’ll call you every week, how about that.”

She had this look in her eyes like it would never happen.

Deep down, I knew she was right.

“Okay, Justin.”

We drove the rest of the way home in silence.  Sarah wasn’t there when we arrived, and I thought I might have been in the clear, but as soon as I walked Hailey inside that house, I heard the infamous sound of the limo pulling into the driveway.  I wouldn’t have a choice but to see her again before I left.
 
“C’mere.” I crouched down to Hailey’s level and held my arms out.  She flew into them, and hugged me tightly for several minutes.  “Be good, okay?”  I pulled away from her slightly and held her out where I could look her in the eyes.  “I love you, Monster.”

“I love you too.”

She just sobbed, and ran away from me.  I couldn’t take anymore after that, just grabbed my bags and headed for the door.  Naturally it opened, and Sarah almost banged into me.

“I thought you left.” Her face was tearstained and her mascara ran in thick streams down her cheeks.

“Just leaving.”  I pushed past her and made it halfway through the open door, before she spoke again.

“What am I supposed to do without you?” She whimpered.  “I’ll be alone.”

I sighed roughly, but turned back to her.  “You don’t have to be alone,” I said gently.  “You can still come home with me.”

“You know I can’t do that, and it’s wrong…it’s selfish for you to expect me to!”  She turned her back to me, and I could see her whole body racking with sobs.  

I almost went to her, almost held her close.

But I knew if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.

I had to walk away.

Trace pulled up moments later, and that was it. I took my bags, walked out that door, and into his car.  I didn’t look back.  It was a long restless night in his guest bedroom.  I couldn’t fall asleep because all I could think about was her, how much I still loved her, and how hard it was going to be spending every day without her after five long years.  

My phone rang at one, two, and three am.  It was her every time.

I couldn’t answer.  I knew if I did, there was no way I would get on the plane in the morning.  I have two voicemails, and I’m still debating if I should listen, if I should give myself more unnecessary heartache before I get home.  As it is, Harvey is the one who is picking me up at the airport, and I can’t be a mess for him.  I can’t tell him I’m upset because I had to walk away from the one person that loved me when everyone else in my life called me a heartless bastard.  He wouldn’t get it and we would start fighting again.  

That’s the last thing I want.

“Really man, I know this is what you needed all along.  You’ve been trying to get out for years, and now, you’ve seen what she’s really like, and what’s really important to her.  It’s better you found out now, rather than later.  Now you can concentrate on what’s important.”

But what is really important? I’ve been thinking about it ever since we walked into LAX this morning.  Is my family important? Of course.  But Sarah has been my family for years, so has Hailey, and I seem to have no problem walking away from them either.

I told myself that this would happen one day, because that’s how I deal with an issue.  I just walk away. “If Sarah hadn’t taken it upon herself to try and fix my personal life, I wouldn’t even be standing here right now,” I finally say it to Trace.  “The only reason Harvey gave in was because of that money.”

“Do you really think that’s the only reason? Your mom is dying, Justin.  I’m sure he’s been rethinking all the shit that happened between you before you left. If all he cared about was the money, he would have treated you like he always has when he called you up.”

Trace always has a valid point, and yeah, I know he’s right.  It’s just…me.  I think I’m dealing with so much heartache right now, that this is my brains way of trying to convince me to go back to her.  Back where it’s safe.  Back where I’m loved and in love.  “I guess so.”

He pats me harshly on the shoulder.  “Go to your gate.  Go home, Justin.  Call me as soon as…everything happens.  I’ll be on the first flight out for the funeral.”

I nod slightly.  “Thanks, man.”
r32;We hug briefly.  

“Do you think you can check on her in a few days,” I say, as he breaks away from me.  “Just…to make sure.”

“I’m not doing that,” he laughs.

“Please, Trace.”

He sighs as he stares back at me.  I’m sure my expression is pathetic, and yeah, he has much better things to do with his time than check up on my ex girlfriend.  But because he’s my best friend, I feel like I can ask him to do me this one favor.  

“What good will it do?”

“It’ll let me know that she’s still surviving…”

“And if she’s not?”

I shrug.  I don’t know what the answer is.

“What if she’s not, Justin.  What then? Are you going to put your family on hold for her?”

I know I can’t.  “No…”

“Look, a buddy of mine does set work for the studio where she films.  In a couple of weeks, I’ll drop by to visit him, and I’ll let you know if I see anything going on.  That’s the most I’ll do.”

I know that’s the farthest he’s willing to go, but I can’t complain.  He’s only doing it because he cares about me, and considers me his closest friend.  “I really appreciate it.”

“You’re gonna be late if you don’t get moving through security,” he nods, after we shake hands for the last time.  “Send me a text when you get in, all right?”

“Yeah, I will.”

He smirks.  “Good luck, man.”

Then he walks off.  I think he has to, because if he sticks around I’m liable to second guess this decision, tell him to take me back, and I can’t afford to do that.  I promised Harvey, Charlotte and my Dad that I was coming home.  Backing out now, would only give Harvey another excuse to call me a good for nothing.  I can’t.  I’ve partly earned back his trust and I refuse to lose it again.

I walk to the security gate, and after taking the biggest breath of my life, I cross behind the roped off portion and pull out my passport.  The TSA agent clears me to move ahead, and I know…I know there’s no turning back now.

I’m through security within a half hour, and I get myself something to eat before heading towards my gate number.  When I sit down, I sigh roughly, realizing I still have an hour to wait before my flight will board.  I don’t want idle time.  Idle time is tempting time.  I still have two voicemails from Sarah that I haven’t listened to, and I’m sure if I called her right now, she wouldn’t hesitate to drop whatever she was doing to answer.

I can’t…

I close my eyes, squeeze them shut, and hang my head low.  I talk myself out of it probably ten times, and then I can’t…I can’t stop myself.  I pull up my voicemails, and listen to both of them.  The first one is brief.  It’s Sarah, subtly asking me to call her back.  It’s the second one that hits me hard.  It’s the second one I wish I hadn’t bothered with at all.  

“Hey so…it’s been an hour.  I guess you’re sleeping, or well…I know you’re sleeping because you never stay up this late even if you’re with me.  Or maybe I’m just hoping that you’re sleeping, instead of lying awake wherever you are and listening to this…”  

She trails off and I can hear her sobbing gently.

It kills me.  Literally kills me inside.  I feel my face turning red, and I have to rub it harshly with my free hand to prevent the tears I know are trying to reveal themselves.

“I wanted to make you understand why I couldn’t go with you, Justin.  I would have given anything to help you understand.  But…you can’t understand.  Your family is important to you, and from the moment I found out the truth, I knew the second you felt comfortable enough to go home, you would.  I just… didn’t count on it being this soon, and…God, I’m lost without you right now.  Talking to your machine is actually helpful, so…thanks for that.  I’m sure I have about thirty seconds to finish this so, I just wanted to say that I love you, and I hope everything works out when you get home.  Give me a call, if you want.  I’d really like to talk.”

Beep.

I click the message off and stare at the screen, debating for several minutes if I should delete it or not.  Something won’t let me do it, so I just navigate away from that screen and start to scroll through emails.  Shit.  I still have a ton of stuff coming in for Sarah.  I take some time and start forwarding it all to Lania’s email, presetting any incoming emails in the future, to forward directly to Sarah’s email address.  When I get home, I’ll delete this account, so I can rid myself of any future updates regarding Sarah’s career.

I’m about ten email forwards away from complete freedom, when my phone buzzes to life.  It’s Benny, and I debate if it’s a good idea to answer.

But I can’t stop myself.

“Justin Timberlake.”r32;

“Yeah hey, it’s Benny.”

I sigh roughly and sit back.  “Hey, I was going to call you this afternoon.”

“London said you left?”

I lick my lips.  “Family emergency.”

“She said you aren’t coming back.”

“She’s right.”

“You can’t…you can’t just leave! Not now!”

“Lania’s handling things,” I say, nonchalantly.  “She’ll be fine.  Start interviewing people to fill my spot in the meantime.”

“This girl is a wreck! She’s already a half hour late to set and there’s no telling whether or not I’ll be able to get her out of bed! Justin, damn it! You need to get here now!”

I laugh at him.  Just laugh, because I know where his priorities lie, where all of their priorities lie, and it’s not with what’s important.  They lie with money, with fame, with greed.  “Where are you?”

“I’m outside her bedroom.  She won’t come out!”

I sigh harshly.  

I shouldn’t call her.

I really shouldn’t call her.

“Justin! Come on! Please help me out here.  I won’t call you again!”

“I’ll call her,” I mutter.  “If that doesn’t  help, then I don’t have a solution for you Benny.”

“Well you need to do something.  Christ, we had a deal.  I mean…”

I hang up on him.  Right now, I could care less what he’s flipping out about, or how much money I’ve lost him.  Angrily, I pull up Sarah’s cell and push send, ready to rip her apart.

“What?”

She sounds angry.  I guess that’s better than psychotic.  “Sarah, I need you to get Benny off my case.  He said you wont’ go to the studio.  You can’t just stop your life because I’m leaving.”

“Thanks for calling me back last night,” she rasps.  “I really appreciate how much you seem to care about me.”

I laugh at her.  “Really? We said all there is to say, Sarah.  You’re staying in LA and I’m going home.  That was your choice.  Although, I don’t know if your plan is working out, since you won’t get up and go to the studio, like you’re supposed to…you know, for that career you’re so worried about.”

“Screw you,” she grunts.  “You’re just…you’re just angry because…”

“Don’t,” I interrupt her, gruffly.  “Just stop, Sarah.  This isn’t why I called you.”

“So this is it,” she whispers.  “You’re really going.”

“I’m going.” I cover my eyes with my free hand and sigh.  “I’m trying to anyway, but I’m starting to get this really bad feeling that you’re going to start having…issues again.”

“Oh because I can’t live without you, is that what you’re telling me?”

“I know you can’t.  You’re just going to go on, and be your stuck up, superficial self, with a fake name to hide who you really are from the rest of the world.”

I know it’s the only way to get through to her.  Nothing pisses Sarah off more than when someone hurts her pride.  It’ll make her get off her ass and go to work, like she needs to.  Whether or not she hates me in the meantime, I guess…shouldn’t matter to me.

I can’t love her anymore.

“Fuck…you know, I don’t even know why I bothered with you! You’re such an incompetent son of a bitch!”  

I can hear stomping around her room.  She’s up and raring to go.

My job is done.

“Good luck, Sarah.”

“I don’t need luck.  I don’t need anything from you.”

I hang up on her.

I hate her.

But fuck, I love her.

I shove my phone away so I won’t be tempted to call her again.  It starts ringing again about ten minutes later, but I don’t answer.  Harvey doesn’t have a phone, and I told my sister not to call me, because I didn’t know what kind of mood I would be in.

It has to be her.

But I have to be done with London Pierce, for good.

Finally, my flight is called to board.  I bought myself a first class ticket, because I figured I owed it to myself after all the crap I’d been putting myself through.  After today the luxury will end.  I’ll go work for Harvey, make the auto shop better with my good business sense, and live a small town life.  If I’m lucky, I’ll find someone to spend my time with, but I know if I don’t, it won’t be the end of the world.  It’s going to be hard getting back in the saddle again after Sarah, and I know that.

She’s the only woman I ever really loved, and it hurts me so bad, breaking things off like this. Hearing her voice on the other end of the line, so lost and alone, killed me.  It’s going to take a very long time for the pain to fade, and even longer for me to completely forget about her.  I’ll see her smile in my dreams, hear her laughter, and I won’t be able to do anything about it.

The best thing to do is get lost in my work, just like I did when I first moved out here.  I’m good at that.  I’m good at burying pain, and I will, because there’s no other choice.

Five hours later the plane touches down in Omaha, and I do my best to rub the fatigue out of my eyes.  I took a pill.  I knew that if I didn’t sleep, I would be an absolute wreck for Harvey when I got off the plane.  It’s almost two hours from the airport to Blue Springs, and I’m sure he has every intention of talking to me, and asking me every question under the sun about the past five years of my life.  I want to cooperate, get all my secrets out in the open before we get home.  Things will be easier that way.

I can go visit Mom with a clear head, and I need to.  Things will be hard enough…seeing her like that.

I have to push the thoughts of her back inside of me.  I’m not ready yet.  I’m not ready to think about her just yet, because that pain added to the pain of losing Sarah might cause a mental breakdown, and I can’t afford it.  I have to be put together, show them all that I’m strong, so they’ll respect me.  “They” meaning my other brothers, who have agreed with Harvey’s opinions of me up until now.  I have no idea what they think about my homecoming.  I’m terrified of that too.

I’m terrified and alone, just like Sarah is.  The difference is, I don’t have a team of people to make me look presentable.  The only person I can rely on is myself, and that’s a scary thought, because I know how much of a wreck I’m becoming.

I get to baggage claim, what seems like years later, and walk towards my assigned carousel, looking out for Harvey as I walk.  I don’t see him though, and I start to get worried.  What if he lied?  What if he set me up, had me come out here, only to be stood up and made a fool of? I wouldn’t blame him.  It would be his way of getting revenge.

“Hey boy.”

I stop walking.

I know I’m wrong now.  That I thought too soon.  Harvey is right behind me.  It takes me a long time to turn and acknowledge him, because I have no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to say.  Do I apologize, or do I just say hi and that it’s good to see him?

“Justin, it’s me.”

I finally turn to face him.  Harvey looks just like I remember, clad in worn out jeans, a red flannel shirt, and a John Deere ball cap.  I can’t help but allow the smile to surface.

It’s so good to see him.

“Hey, Harv…I…it’s good to see you.”

He walks closer to me, and then, he does the last thing I would ever expect.  He pulls me in for a hug, and tells me how it good it is to have me home.  Hell, he even offers to carry my luggage.  It’s not the same brother I remember, and I start to get curious, but then…I stop myself.  No, I have to accept that Harvey really wants me here at home.  He wants us to form a relationship again, because of mom and because…we’re brothers.

I know it.

“Got a lot of people waitin’ for you back at the house,” he tells me with a small smile after we get settled into the old Ford pickup truck.  “Everyone is really excited to see you.”

“The boys?”

“Course,” he chuckles.  “Ben made his chili and all.  When is your girl coming out? We made sure to make a place for you two to stay.”

I swallow hard. He knows, probably because of Charlotte.  I really don’t want to talk about it, but I know I don’t have a choice.  “She um…she’s not coming.”

“Why’s that?  She's the guest of honor.  Don’t tell me she’s too good for some country folk.”

“No, that’s not it.  We just…we sort of put things on hold for awhile.”

“She dump you?”

I chuckle slightly.  “We sort of broke up with each other.”

“Dang, London Pierce.” He draws in a long breath.  “I have to admit, when Char told me that, I started to respect you a little more.  She’s a little hottie, that one.”

I shrug.  “Our relationship was kind of…apart from all that Hollywood stuff.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“You still love ‘er?”

I really, really don’t want to talk about this with him.  “Can we talk about something else?” I try to say it as calmly as I can.  “I haven’t talked to you like this in a long time, and I’d rather leave her out of it.”

“Anyone willing to spend that much money to save our asses is worth talking about, J.”

“Well I don’t want to…”

“Justin, we lost the house.  We went into foreclosure almost six months ago.”

I just stare at him.

“I told Char she couldn’t say anything to you and I was scared to death when she came to visit that she would let it slip.  We were getting our stuff packed, half the house was in boxes.  I had to close the shop…mortgage everything we had, and it still wasn’t enough.  I didn’t know what we were going to do, and then…this check comes in the mail.  Do you understand what that did for the family?  These last few months the money you were sending for momma wasn’t even going for her bills, and I was a real big asshole when I called you asking for more.  That money I needed… it was for the mortgage.”

I could say a lot of things to him right now, call him a manipulative asshole, because he basically guilt tripped me into fixing his mistakes.  I can’t say anything though, because Sarah took it upon herself to fix all of this.  “So what happens to the house now?”
r32;“We bought a new place,” he smiles.  “Two year old Cape, right near the lake.  It’s big enough for all of us. You’re gonna love it.”

“And the shop?”

“Reopened it, with a nice remodel.  Char’s enrolled in University of Nebraska at Omaha for the fall, and paid up for three semesters.  Daddy’s paying off all his debt and momma is…in a really nice hospice right outside of town.  Everything is going to be just fine.  I just wish I could thank London.  I don’t think she understands the magnitude of what she’s done for us.  One day, I’m going to pay her back.  Can you tell her that?”

I sigh.  Really, Sarah did save my family.  It was the last thing she did for me, and then I just walked out on her.  I knew she sent that check, but I guess I didn’t really think about what that meant for my family, how it would save them from some really hellish years.  “When I speak to her again, which probably won’t be for awhile, I’ll give her the message.”

“Just don’t seem right that you two are on such bad terms now.”

“Yeah well.” I shake my head in disgust.  “There’s more to it.”

“I’m all ears.”

I look at him.  “I doubt you’d understand.”
r32;“I ain’t dumb, boy.”

“It’s just the business.  It sort of took over I guess.  I asked her to move back home with me, and she…she told me that she couldn’t walk away from her career right now.”

“So you left.” He says it bluntly.

I look down at my lap.  “Harvey.”

“That’s how you deal with shit,” he tells me.  “You know, you coulda just called me up and told me you needed more time.”

“I came here for mom.  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she…passed and I wasn’t here.”

“I would have told you when it came down to days instead of weeks, Justin,” he says, softly.  “I think you’re still this scared little kid who can’t deal with his life.  Obviously you had something good going with this girl, but you gave up.  That’s what you do.”

“Just because she handed you money…”

“You walked out on ‘er. Enough said.”

I’m so pissed.  So pissed that I can’t even look at him right now.  Why is he putting all the blame on me when he doesn’t even know the whole story? He wasn’t there for the Chet McStevens fiasco.  He didn’t have to sit idly by while his girlfriend made out with another guy so she could get a boost in publicity.  

“I think you should call ‘er.”

“I’m not calling her,” I grunt.  “Drop it.”

“Then I’ll call ‘er.”

“No.”

“I can still kick your ass, you know.”

“Go ahead.”

He’s silent.  He knows I’m serious.  

“All right,” he finally says.  “That’s how you want things to be, then I won’t bring ‘er up no more.”

“Thanks.”  I lean my head against my fist and stare out the window.

“I still think you’re a dumb little shit though.  You can’t hide from that one.”

I glare at him, and then he laughs.  It’s Harvey like I remember him.

“It’s good to have you home, boy.”  He turns up his country music and ruffles my hair.  I know if he weren’t driving, he’d have put me in a headlock and given me a huge noogie.  

It’ll be okay, being home.  Obviously Harvey knows I need my space when it comes to Sarah, and he won’t bring up the subject again anytime soon.  That’s what I need.  I need to escape that whole lifestyle and get settled back into my old routine, my old hometown with the people I grew up with.

I need to forget about her…about the fact that it’s going to be really hard sleeping without her, really hard not talking to her everyday.

But I’ll move on, because I don’t have a choice.