“All right, try ‘er now.”

I turn the key in the ignition.  The engine sputters, seems to choke and cough, but doesn’t turn over.

Harvey makes a cutting motion at his throat and motions me to get out of the truck.

“It’s the tranny, Bob,” he sighs at our customer as he closes the hood and wipes his greasy hands with the rag.  “Gonna take a couple of weeks, maybe more, if it’s fixable.  I’ll know more by end of the week.”

“All right Harv,” Bob sighs.  “Don’t see how I’m gonna get to work in the meantime.”

Harvey considers this for a moment, before turning to me.  “Justin get ‘im a loner.”

“Yeah, all right.” 

The customer smiles and starts thanking my brother profusely as I drag myself away and out back where we keep the cars that are about to go out for sale.  The remodel has the done the business good.  We fix cars, but we also have a used car lot that’s been doing very well. Harvey, Dad, and I have been talking about franchising Fords or Chevy’s, maybe even Dodge’s in the future.  It looks promising, we just need to see how the rest of the year goes before we make the investment.  I can’t deny that Sarah’s money has made this all possible, not anymore. 

I try so hard not to think about her.  It’s been getting easier, as the weeks have passed.  I’m so busy at work most of the time that I don’t have a chance to dwell on it.  But then, during my off times, I have distractions from her too.

Mom isn’t doing well, but it’s been nice getting to see her.  She doesn’t know any of us, but she hasn’t freaked out when I’ve sat by her bedside.  She likes to tell me stories about her kids, most of them being about myself.  It’s the closest link I have to her right now, and she’ll even let me hold her hand.  It’s almost impossible to hold the tears back, but the rest of my family gives me the time alone that I need with her.  In fact, coming home to all of them…it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

The rest of my brothers gave me as warm of a reception as Harvey had.  It seemed that they put the past behind them, and I guess it was because they were thankful for everything the money had done for the family.  If I hadn’t moved, I guess we wouldn’t have had this good fortune but…I just hate the way it came about.  It makes me feel so damn indebted to Sarah, and I don’t want to be.

I’ve put it on the back burner though.  I’ve had to, because I’m still adjusting, still settling in.

Still being reunited with old friends.

Lou is supposedly coming back home for a visit soon.  I don’t know how I feel about seeing her.  I don’t know if I ever stopped loving her, I just…put her out of my mind because I had no other choice.  Charlotte has kept in touch with her, she told me that Lou seems really excited to see me again.  I don’t know…I just don’t know if I can handle those kind of emotions right now.

But I can’t hide from them.  I’ve hidden from too many things for entirely too long, and this is a new start for me.  It’s time to be responsible and strong, to take charge.  If working with Sarah taught me nothing else, it taught me to hold my own in difficult times.  I know that’s the main thing that’s made my brothers respect me and welcome me back without a question.  I can hold the family together, almost as well as Harvey can.

He and I, we’ve become almost inseparable, like we used to be. 

I start up an eight year old Ford sedan and drive it up front to the customer, who shakes my hand harshly and thanks my brother and I both again, before he gets in and drives away. 

“We’re too nice,” Harvey chuckles.

“Tranny’s expensive,” I shrug.  “If he can get to work, he’ll pay for the repair.”

“Glad you think like me.”  He pats me on the back a couple times, and starts back towards the garage.  “Heard Lou’s coming out from New York.”

I shrug, and busy myself with straightening a display of windshield washer fluid outside the main office door.  “Maybe.  Charlotte said she is.”

“What’d you think about that?”

“I’ll say hi…it’s whatever.” I shrug it off.

He laughs lightly.  “You want to talk about it with me, you can.”

I look up at him and force a small smile of gratitude.  “I’ll let you know.”

He nods, and walks back to the garage without another word.  It’s what I like about him, if he can sense that I don’t want to talk about something, he’ll lay off.  My other brothers aren’t like that.  They’ve bugged me a million times over about Sarah.  Charlotte and Dad have forced them to back down at times, especially when they start talking about her in a slightly provocative way.  I can’t stand it.  I fell in love with her, and it’s just…weird.

I find myself dreaming about her often.  I guess when I’m asleep, it’s the only time I can’t prevent myself from thinking of her.  I feel the touch of her skin on mine, her lips on my body, her breasts pressed snug against my chest.  I feel her silken hair between my fingers, and it’s so fucking real…so real.  I’ll wake up sweating, panting, reaching out for her.

But she’s never there.

I don’t sleep well.  A few hours a night, if I’m lucky.  It’s bad.  It’s bad because I know soon my mom will get even worse, pass away, and I’ll have to be able to hold my head up for my family.

I spend the next few hours running the business as usual.  Most days I run the counter while my brothers fix cars out in the garage.  If it gets really busy Harvey will come out front and help, but mostly he likes to be back in the garage making sure all the repairs go as planned. 

I’m in the middle of finishing up some paperwork on an oil change with a customer when I hear the familiar jingle of ‘Extra, Extra’ blaring from the TV.  I hate this show.  It’s everything I hate about the entertainment industry and Hollywood wrapped into a half hour.  Charlotte must have left the channel on yesterday when she was here doing her school work.  When I finish with the customer I snatch the remote off the desk and point it at the TV.

But I find that I can’t change the channel when I see the story that’s unfolding before my eyes.

“London Pierce was arrested for drug possession yesterday afternoon after a dramatic domestic dispute in the middle of traffic with boyfriend Chet McStevens. The scene pictured here shows a naked Pierce running around her limousine while being pursued by an obviously intoxicated McStevens.  Sources say drug paraphernalia found at the scene included grams of Cocaine and mixed prescription pills…”

Cut to a fresh mugshot picture of my ex girlfriend, black eye, bloody nose, mascara running down her ghost white face.

I feel sick.

I run.   I run fast and far, not caring about the consequence, not caring what Harvey will think.  I have to go, to get away where nobody can see me, where I feel safe.

I jump in my car and drive.  I drive for miles and miles until I finally reach the one place I know will help me sort out the crazy shit I just saw on the TV.  I feel the tears gliding down my face.

How the hell can she do this?  How?

Well I’m not going to be there for her.  I fucking refuse.

I get out of the car, take in the surroundings of the picturesque lake and mountains.  It’s the only place I’ve ever felt completely removed from everything.  Mom and I would take random trips to the lake when I was young, in the summers we’d all come here as a family, and when she got sick, it was the only place I sought refuge.  When Lou left, I came here, and made the decision to move to LA.  Now, back home, I’m seeking it’s comfort from all the things I left behind.

I’m so fucking worried about her.  Part of me wants to get the first flight out.

But I can’t.

I pull my phone out, text Trace quickly, asking him for any news.

Don’t worry about it.  Her people carted her off to rehab, and in a few days, they’ll come out with that news in the tabloids.  She won’t do any time.  If you come back here, I’ll kick you in the nuts.  This was inevitable, you must know that, right?

I guess so.  It’s all I can say back to him, because he’ll never understand the feelings I used to have or…still might have, for Sarah.

I start skimming rocks.  It’s all I can do, because I’m so damn confused right now.  Half of me is hoping she’ll call, ask me for help.  I know if she did, I would go, because I fucking love that girl.  I love her no matter how hurt I am that she couldn’t see the good in dropping her career for a life with me.

I don’t think I can ever stop loving her.

 The other part of me though, the logical one, is more angry at her than I’ve ever been.  She knows better.  She’s been through this, and she has Hailey to think about.  Shit, Hailey.  What the hell  is going on with her? Is she safe? Who’s with her?

Damn it.

It takes just minutes more for me to cave, and call Lania. She picks up on the second ring.

“Justin,” she pants, sounding breathless.  “You have no idea…”

“I need an update, a real one.”

“It’s horrible.  The promoters and directors are starting to call.  The perfume and purse people are ready to cut her off, and  New York is already a bust.  The promotion for the movie is off.  They’re saying it’ll flop…Justin…what do I do?”

She’s sobbing.  Since Lania doesn’t cry, ever, I know how bad the situation really is.  Sarah’s career is basically over.  It would take a miracle to come back from a TMZ nightmare like this, and I know that, because I’m a pro at the business.  The only good thing about all of this is that Chet McStevens will turn into a laughing stock.  At least people will see him for who he really is now.

“Where is she,” I huff.

“Some fancy rehab place in Malibu.  Benny wouldn’t tell me exactly where.  He’s trying to buy time so he can turn this around into some kind of sob story.  Chet’s being charged with assault, can you believe that?”

“I can,” I let out a sad laugh.  “Is she…she’ll be okay, I mean, apart from all of this right?”

“She’s alive,” she says miserably.  “Barely.”

“What about Hailey?” 

Lania is silent.

I squeeze my eyes shut, anticipating the worst.  “Lania?”

“Child protective services took her…I tried…I tried to stop them, Justin, but I couldn’t.  Someone told me they were contacting Alex.  They’re going to give him full custody once the details get sorted out.”

My mouth hangs open for a moment.  “They can’t.”

“They can, if she can’t take care of her.  Alex is the only blood family she has, and he has every right to her.”

“I know Sarah can take care of her,” I whisper.

“She’s a drug addict, Justin,” Lania says sadly.  “She’s been this way for months, and it’s no one’s fault but…it’s just how things turned out.  Look, you should just…stay away.  I wanted you to come back when you called me just now, but you’re a good person who deserves to be happy.  You should just stay away…it’s the best thing.”

“Can you try to find out where she is for me?”

She sighs harshly.  “Stay away, Justin.  Please.”

“I…but I…”  My lips tremble, and then I sob into the phone.  “I love her.”

“You can’t.  Not anymore.”

“Lania.”

“Goodbye, Justin.”

She hangs up on me, and as I stare at the phone, I know better than to try and call back.

That’s it.  I’m just an outsider now, no access, and according to Lania, it’s better for me.

She’s giving me the chance to move on, without looking back, and fuck, I should just take it.

I need to take it.

I hear tires screech to a halt behind me. 

“Justin?”

I hear a door slam and turn in time to see Harvey walking towards me.  I wipe my eyes harshly and look back at the water.

“Hey.”  I skim a couple of rocks.  “Sorry I just…”

“I saw the TV.”

I look at him.  He comes and stands next to me, starting to skim rocks across the water with me.  “Harvey…”

“It’s better you weren’t around for all that,” he decides.  “Better you’re here with us.”

“I feel fucking terrible,” I whimper.  “I don’t know what to do.”

“Give it time.”  He skims another rock.  “I feel bad too, Justin.  I mean, I never met her, but she saved this family.  Maybe in a month or so, you can try to contact her or something.  Maybe by then, she’ll be willing to come out here, relax, and figure out what she wants out of her life.”

“It’s too late for that.”  I don’t look at him as I say it.  “They’re going to take her daughter away.”

“There’s nothin’ you can do,” he says gently.  “Even if you went out there, you couldn’t change what’s happened, and you can’t take care of her daughter if you’re not family.  It would just make things harder on you and on her.”

I know he’s right.  Harvey is usually right though, that’s why I’ve always looked up to him.  “I wish I could go get Sarah, just…bring her home with me.”

“But it’s not the time,” he nods and comes closer, putting a protective arm around my shoulders.  “You gotta just…move on, hard as it is.  She’ll figure herself out in time, Justin.  You can’t fall apart in the meantime.  You got too much going for you.”

“Yeah.”

He pulls me in, and I can’t help but hug him, like I’m a little kid all over again.  He lets me, and he lets me cry too.  He’s probably the only one strong enough to do this.  My dad is so fragile because of mom, and Charlotte would be more freaked out than logical.  I need him so bad right now, and I’m so thankful for him. 

“I love her.”

“I know kid, and maybe one day, she’ll realize how much.” He pats me harshly on the back and pulls away, gripping me harshly by the shoulders and looks into my eyes.  “You gotta hold your head up in the meantime though, I won’t tolerate you walkin’ around miserable.  We got problems here too.”

I sniff loudly and nod.  I know.  I know what I have to do.  “All…all right.”

“You gonna be okay?”  He smiles slightly.

“I just need to be alone for a little while.”

He nods and starts back to his truck.  “Be home for supper.”

“I will.”

He doesn’t say anything else, just gets into his truck and drives away.  I’m alone again, but it doesn’t feel good anymore.  I feel hopeless this way.  Hopeless and helpless.

I know I need to just…go home, and put this behind me.  Spend time with my family, and momma, before we lose her.

That’s what’s important.

I repeat it to myself as I throw more rocks in the water.  I force myself to believe it.  Sarah is in the past.  She did this to herself, and I can’t love her anymore.

I get into my car and grip the steering wheel.  A million visions of her fill my mind.  Visions of us, of the way we would make love, the way she would kiss me, her smile.  Those days we spent with Hailey.  Those were some of the best parts of my life, and now…

Now she really needs me to be there, and I can’t be.

I’ll live with that now.  I’ll live with that pain until the day I die.  As much as Harvey says she’ll be able to come back out here with me one day, I know the chances of that happening are slim to none.  She’ll either slip deeper into her depression, or come out of it, and start over, determined, making sure to forget about me, so she won’t have to deal with anymore pain.

I can’t say I’d blame her.
****************
It’s been a couple of weeks and while I’ve made sure to steer clear of tabloid television, I can tell that the situation has died down for the most part.  There’s new headlines on the magazines at the grocery store now.  Stories about which Royal cheated and what celebrities are overweight.  There’s little things about Sarah here and there, but nothing that jumps out.  I guess Benny has been all over that, and her PR.  Come to think about it, she does have pretty damn good PR.

I hope the silencing of the media will do her good.

I can’t focus on it anymore.

Business has really started to pick up at the shop.  I’ve been pulling double shifts this week.  My brother, Nick, came down with the flu, so I’ve been filling in.  He does a lot of oil changes and paint jobs with the power brush, so Harvey has been doing his best to teach me.  I pretty much suck at painting anything, but I can do a decent oil change on a standard car.  Charlotte’s been helping to run the front counter, which has been our saving grace since Dad has been at the hospice all week.

I know Mom isn’t going to be here much longer.  They’ve told us maybe a week more. She’s so sick now, she barely opens her eyes.  It’s all I can do to stay busy, to keep my mind off of losing her with her mind wiped of us, of daddy.

Here, back at the lake, is my one solace.  Nobody bothers me.  There’s no blaring TV’s or tabloids with my ex’s face on them.  I can escape.  I smile and take a breath as I start to skim more rocks across the rippling water of Lake Point, the serenity taking me away to another world, where I’m safe.

“Harvey said you’d be here.”

I glance in the direction of the voice, about to skim the next stone in my hand.  I drop it when I see Lou standing there.  She’s all grown up, just like me, but that smile is still there, the one I remember.  She wears her brunette hair long now, in wavy curls that run down past her shoulders.  That sporty girl that grew up beside me is gone.  She’s a real woman now.  “Lou,” I breathe out.

“Hey.”

She walks up to me, and we stare at each other for a few moments, before embracing each other tightly.

“It’s good to see you.” She whispers in my hear, as she rubs my back gently. 

“You look…you look good,” I nod and smile when I pull out of her arms.  “Really good.”

“Well, you’ve cleaned up pretty nice yourself,” she blushes.  “Got an extra one?”

I hand her a stone.  “You still got it?”

She smirks at me, and steps up on the rock beside me so she can skim her stone.  It jumps ten or fifteen times before it finally succumbs to the depths of the lake.  “What do you think?”

“I think you’ve got me beat,” I laugh.  “Did you just get in?”r32;
“I got to my moms last night, but I didn’t want to stir up any commotion until today.  I wanted you to be the first one to  know I was here, but you weren’t at work, so Harvey and the boys had the chance to attack me first.”

“Bastards.”r32;

“It’s okay, it was good to see them.  They know better than to mess with me,” she laughs.  “Actually they were more concerned about…me finding you.”

r32;“Yeah?” I smirk and skim another rock.  “Why’s that?”

“They said you haven’t been yourself.”

I glance at her.  “A little deep for conversation considering you just got here.”
r32;“Well, I’m concerned, that’s all.”

I start to wonder how much she knows.  My sister has a big mouth, so I have no doubt she knows everything that happened to me out in California.  The thing with Lou is, she wouldn’t bring it up unless she felt I was comfortable.  “I’ll be okay.  Coming back home hasn’t been the easiest transition, that’s all.”

She nods slightly.  “Well I’m not going anywhere.”

I sigh and gaze out at the water.  I know what she’s getting at…our past.  “I don’t hold anything against you Louie.  You had to do what was best.”

“I’ve never completely gotten over it though…us.”

I shrug.  “I guess a part of me still hasn’t, but…we’re different people now.”

“I guess we are, but I’d like to be good friends again, if nothing else.”

“I’m up for that,” I smirk.  “Definitely.”