“You’re okay. Come on.”
She coughs harshly, and leans into me, getting some of the vomit around her mouth onto my shirt that I wore to the benefit, but of course I don’t care. It doesn’t even matter. The only thing I’m concerned about right now, is getting whatever pill cocktail she decided to take tonight out of her system. The vomiting started as soon as we pulled up to the house. She did it in the car, in the driveway, and right in the middle of her living room (Marcia is going to be so happy tomorrow). Thankfully Hailey was already in bed, but the sitter saw everything. Luckily, Yolanda keeps to herself and would never say anything about what she sees go on here. I even gave her a little extra tonight, just to be sure.
I managed to get my boss upstairs, and stripped her out of the dress she was wearing. I’d never done something like that before, but I was accustomed to seeing her in her underwear thanks to her escapade at the store that day, so I figured what was one more layer? I had to strip her out of all her clothes if I was going to get her into the shower, and so I did it, and she let me without freaking out. I tried not to stare at her tits and her...just at her. My eyes seemed to take on a mind all their own of course, drifting to all the parts of a woman I like. Her ass, her tits...her curvy, slender form. Inside I felt...almost hungry to reach out and run my hands all over her, and not because it was like some crazy porn scenario come true. No it was more like...I wanted to...
I wanted to love her. I wanted her to feel my love for her physically, on her skin, and inside of her too. It proved something to me.
It proved that I didn’t want to quit, not because she’d finally decided to give me a vacation, not because she was ‘busy’ and couldn’t handle things without me.
It was because I had fallen in love with her, and my heart wouldn’t allow me to leave.
I hated it. Hated myself for it. I didn’t understand why, or how...when or what had caused me to feel that way. I even cursed out loud. She didn’t realize, because she was still fucking delirious, and I guess that’s good, because I’m not ready for her to know the truth.
I’ll never be ready for her to know.
I don’t think she knew what the hell was happening, until I let that burst of cold water hit her skin. Then she screamed, but I was happy to hear it, because it meant she wasn’t completely out of her mind. Not then.
But she’s getting pretty close now, a couple of hours later.
“I’m sorry,” Sarah whimpers into me. “Justin, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I rub her back in a circular motion, hoping it will bring her some comfort, but I can tell it’s not doing much. She’s shaking, and her skin is cold to the touch, ghost white, more so than I’ve ever seen before.
She needs to go to the ER. I’d be an idiot if I just sat here and did nothing, but at the same time...I hate going against her wishes. I know if it were me, I wouldn’t want to feel like I was being handled while I was getting sick.
At the same time though, I’ve never seen her this bad before.
“Let me take you to the hospital,” I whisper, as she cries into my chest. “Please.”
“No!” She groans. “Justin, please...” She trails off, turns then, back to the bucket by the bed, and vomits again.
I can’t do anything else, just have to let it run it’s course until she can stop again. When she’s finished, I make her drink some more water, and it helps for a few minutes. She leans into me again, whimpers and shakes.
Then the water comes back up again, and I know I don’t have a choice. I have to go against her wishes or...
Or I don’t know what’s going to happen.
“I’m calling 911.”
“No!” She cries. “No! They’ll...they’ll all laugh at me! Justin!”
I ignore her, walk across the bedroom, and can hear her vomiting again as I dial the number.
“9-1-1 what is your emergency.”
“My um...my boss can’t stop throwing up. She took some pills. I can’t do anything else for her.”
“Okay sir, what is your address?”
“Sixteen hundred...” I trail off, distracted as she starts to vomit all over again.
“Sir?”
“Sixteen hundred Torreyson Drive.”
“An ambulance has been dispatched. Do the best you can to keep the head elevated until help arrives.”
I do as I’m asked, and the operator stays on the line with me the entire fifteen minutes it takes for the EMT’s to arrive. By this point, Sarah is barely conscious, but she keeps repeating ‘no hospitals’, in an attempt to change my mind. I don’t say anything. I can’t. I just stay by her side and hold her hand, do my best to keep her airway clear each time she vomits, and pray that Hailey doesn’t wake up to see any of this.
The EMT’s arrive within minutes, locating us in the upstairs bedroom. There’s four of them, and they immediately force me aside so they can get a closer look at Sarah. She’s groaning and whimpering, but she’s took weak to protest much.
“Do you know what she took tonight?” One of them asks me.
“She wouldn’t tell me...pills I’m guessing, probably mixed alcohol with them.”
He nods, and then they get her on the stretcher. Three of them carry her out of the room and one stays behind to brief me.
“She’s OD’d, but we don’t know how bad it is. A doctor has to make that diagnosis. Is there anybody else that needs to be contacted?”
I just stare at him, at a loss for words. OD. She OD’d on my watch. How could I allow it? How could I just...know all the shit she was doing to herself and not say anything? I guess...she trusted me not to, and because...because I love her, I wouldn’t betray that trust.
I have to snap the hell out of this.
But how can I?
“OD?...What...”
“Sir...I need you to focus. We need you to contact any immediate family, a boyfriend...”
“She doesn’t have any. It’s just her daughter, and she’s asleep in her bedroom.” I shake my head. “I’m...I can call her manager, but I’m the one that handles everything else.”
“Well do that,” he sighs. “Because at this rate, she may not make it.”
“W-what?”
He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Just make sure you contact who you have to. She’s on her way to Mercy Hospital. You can meet her there with your party.”
He doesn’t say anything else, he just walks out. It takes me a moment to move at all, and even then, the most I can do is sit down on her bed and try to figure this all out.
Is it my fault?
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything right now.
“Justin.”
I look up at a groggy Hailey, dressed in her nightgown and slippers, rubbing her eyes tiredly, obviously woken up by all the commotion. God, I can’t be a mess for her right now. “Hey.” I shoot up from the bed and go to her, scoop her up even though she’s a little old for that and hug her tight to me.
“What happened to my mom?”
I kiss her forehead. “She’s just sick right now, that’s all. We’ll see her in a bit, okay?”
She’s silent, leans her head against my chest, and I know...I know I have to be the strong one for her. I have to be her support, because she has nobody else right now. I can’t think about Sarah, how she might not make it, because then I’ll lose it, and I can’t afford to. Instead I rush Hailey out of the house, buckle her into the backseat of the car, get into the drivers seat, puke stained shirt and all, and dial Ray, even though telling him about this will cause more commotion than I want right now.
But I don’t have a choice.
*************
“What do you mean she’s been doing this?”
“Just what I said.” I sigh and adjust Hailey in my arms. She’s been clinging to me ever since we were escorted to the ICU waiting room, her arms wrapped around my neck and her face buried in my chest like she’ll never, ever let me go. “I knew she didn’t want me talking about it, so I didn’t.”
Ray sits back harshly, and rubs his face with his hands. “I...I had no idea...”
“How could you not have known anything?” I whisper, harshly. “You’ve seen her. She’s been pale and sickly for a long time now. You’ve looked the other way for the good of the business.”
“I haven’t looked the other way!” He barks. “I’ve been busy running her career.”
“So have I, but at least I noticed.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me!”
“I...” I pause, and sigh. “I just didn’t think it was my place.”
“A lot of good that’s doing now. Did you see all the reporters? Some of them chased the ambulance down here. This is huge, Justin. She’s crossed over into that realm of junkie celebrities. This is exactly what I didn’t want, and you...you should have said something the moment you suspected she was messing up! Do you realize she could lose her endorsements? Roles?”
Of course it’s my fault, but why wouldn’t it be? Ray doesn’t live at the house, doesn’t see what goes on. That’s all me, and it’s supposed to be my job to report the shit to him that Sarah doesn’t. I didn’t do it though, because...I guess I’m a little too caught up in her.
And now she might pay with her life.
“Ray...”
“I can’t say this officially until I talk to London,” he tells me angrily. “But you’re fired, Justin.”
I stare at him. “What?”
“I can’t have you running the show if you’re going to be this irresponsible.” He won’t look at me as he says it, like he regrets it. “We’re going to have to let you go.”
I let out a bitter laugh, but can’t say anything to him at the moment. Not with Hailey in my arms, and not when I’m so uncertain about what’s going to happen to Sarah. God, I’m scared. I’m scared for her, scared what’s going to happen to Hailey if Sarah...if she...
Alex would probably step in if that happened, whisk Hailey off to live with him so he could benefit from Sarah’s estate, and there wouldn’t be a damn thing I could do about it.
Maybe Ray is right. Maybe this is all my fault.
“Folks?”
I look up to see a doctor standing there. He looks exhausted, and serious.
I don’t know what he’s about to say, but I have the worst feeling that it’s going to be bad.
“What is it?” Ray says, practically jumping to his feet. “Is she going to be okay?”
“Well we’ve managed to stabilize her,” he nods. “We had to pump her stomach, she had a ton of pills in her system, nearly a dozen...we’re guessing it was Speed. She’d gone into shock just as we brought her into the OR. If she’d gotten here any later, we would have lost her, so it looks like Justin called at just the right time.”
Ray looks at me, and I manage to look at him without glaring. I guess that’s one thing I did right, overriding Sarah’s wishes not to be brought to the hospital. If I’d hesitated, she may have very well died in my arms.
So I guess...I guess I did do the right thing, even though Ray blames me for everything.
“So she’ll recover then,” Ray continues, eagerly. “She’ll be fine.”
r32;“Well no...not right away. She’s going to need plenty of rest, and close monitoring from here on out by a well trained staff. Her blood tests and physical condition suggest she’s been suffering from a condition called Bulimia, an eating disorder where the individual voluntarily vomits up their daily food intake. The tests show she’s been doing this for a long time. She’s severely underweight, and if she doesn’t start eating properly and keeping it down soon there’s a good chance she won’t be here in another year. Now, I don’t know about all this Hollywood business, but somebody better start monitoring this girl a lot more closely, or else you’re going to be televising her funeral.”
“Right.” Ray says it like he’s let down.
Really, I’m sure he’s just thinking about all the money he’s going to lose.
That’s his game. I think I’m seeing it clearly now, for the first time ever. He doesn’t care about Sarah, he never has. His only concern is how much work she can get and how fast he can make his money.
He’s the one that should be fired.
But that’s not up to me.
“Can we see her.” I motion to Hailey, who hasn’t looked up at all since the doctor came out.
“She’s awake, so yes, but only for a bit,” he nods at me. “But just you two. I’d like to seclude her from the business side of things for tonight if I can.” He shoots an angry look at Ray, and I’m sure he sees more than his share of this kind of thing everyday.
“Okay, fine,” he grunts and rises to his feet. “I can see that my job is done here. Just make sure you have London call me Justin, as soon as she can. We need to discuss all of this, and figure out what we’re going to to do about the situation with you.”
I just nod at him and smile professionally like I always do. “Sure thing.”
He storms off, out of the hospital, and I know I’m rid of him for at least tonight.
“He’s holding this against you, son?”
I turn to the doctor again, and shrug slightly. “I guess.”
“Well he should know that it’s only because of you that she’s alive,” he nods. “If London has anything to say about it, he’s the one that should be getting fired, not you. Obviously, you’re the one who’s looking out for her. You did a good thing tonight.” He comes over, and pats me on the shoulder. “It’s just that first room down there on the left. Take your time.”
“Thanks.” I say softly, as he walks off in the opposite direction. I guess he’s right, but at the same time Ray has been around long before I ever was. Sarah trusts him, maybe even more than she trusts me, and if he tells her that I should be fired, I wouldn’t be surprised if she believed him.
But I wanted to get away didn’t I? Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe I’m losing it...thinking that I’ve fallen in love with her.
At the same time though, I can’t shake the feeling.
All of this is running through my mind as I carry Hailey down the hallway, and it takes me a long time to open the door once I stop in front of it. It’s only when Hailey asks me if we can go inside that I actually follow through, and I do my best not to wince once I see her there in the bed, wired up to half a dozen different machines.
“Mommy!” Hailey says it brightly as I place her down on the floor, and she rushes to the bedside, clinging to her mothers hand. “Mommy!”
Sarah’s eyes drift open after a moment, and she smiles when she sees her daughter. “Hey Hailster,” she croaks. “You’re still in your pajama’s.”
“It’s nighttime,” she nods. “Mommy are you okay?”
“I’m just a little tired.” She begins to sit up, and winces in pain, but doesn’t hesitate to haul her daughter up on the bed with her. “Maybe you can stay here and rest with me, huh?”
“Yeah.” She leans into her mother’s chest, and cuddles with her as best she can. When she closes her eyes, I know she’s fallen back to sleep.
And it’s only then, that Sarah notices me standing there.
“Hey.”
The smile pulls at the corners of my mouth and I find that I can’t make it go away. “Hey, Sarah.”
“So...I guess you put in your overtime for the month.” She tries to laugh but fails, and coughs instead.
I pull a chair up to the bedside, on the opposite side of Hailey so I can get a better look at my boss. She’s still pale, but the IV’s running in and out of her have given her cheeks a little more color, and I’m glad. She’s starting to look slightly more like herself, but only slightly. “No big deal.”
“Justin I...” She sucks in her bottom lip, and the tears begin to glisten in her eyes. “I should have listened to you...when you told me that...you were concerned. But I didn’t want to.”
“I know you didn’t. It is what it is.”
She chuckles slightly. “That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it?”
“It’s easier.”
“Yeah, but it’s not right. Justin you...you did something for me tonight, even though I told you not to. Normally, you don’t lift a finger unless I say it’s okay.”
It’s the truth. She runs me. Well, lately it hasn’t been like that because she’s starting to change, but before her little enlightenment, putting a finger out of line around Sarah was cause for disaster. “I just did what I felt I had to,” I nod. “I didn’t think about it.”
“They told me if you hadn’t called 911, I’d probably be dead.”
It’s silent for a long time after that. I don’t think either of us knows how to comprehend the fact that I saved her life. It’s a big deal, too much for us to handle after our issues in the past have been about the business and nothing else. “Just try not to think about it, Sarah,” I whisper. “It’s done now, and you’re going to get better.”
“You knew all along didn’t you?”
“Knew what?”
“That I was Bulimic.”
I sigh, and lower my head for a few moments, trying to collect my thoughts. “I guess...yeah, I knew. But I didn’t think it was my place to say anything before, and I doubt you would have listened to me anyway.”
“You’re probably right.”
“I should have gone to Ray,” I say sadly. “He told me that too. I think he wants you to look into getting another assistant once you’re out of this place.”
“Ray wouldn’t have done anything, even if he’s telling you that he would have. He would have told me to get it together, suck it up for the business and that would have been it. You know that, Justin, and if you think I’m going to fire you because it’s what he wants, you’re out of your mind.”
“But if I’m not reliable...”
She gently grasps my hand that had been resting on top of her sheets. “You’re the most reliable person I have in my life, Justin. I don’t deserve you. I haven’t ever deserved you, but now...things are a lot different, at least, I hope they’re getting that way. I don’t want you to go anywhere, do you understand? I mean, not unless you want to...go somewhere else.”
I stare at our hands, her fingers laced through mine and lick my lips, shake my head. “I don’t want to. I thought I did but...I couldn’t make myself leave.”
“Why?”
It takes me another moment to look up at her, and then our eyes meet. I start to get lost into those eyes of hers all over again, and I wish more than anything that I could make it stop. We’re professional, and I can’t love her because she’s way out of my league and...I don’t know. I guess I don’t feel like she’d ever go for somebody like me.
“I told you. You’re like family to me, Sarah.”
“I think it’s more than that.”
I laugh it off, and rub my thumb across the top of her hand. “Of course it’s not.”
“I felt you kiss my forehead...in the car, when we were leaving the club.”
Shit. I knew it was crossing the line, I did, but I just couldn’t help myself. I was so worried about her, that I couldn’t help myself. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
“I think it was.”
“Look, you need to rest, all right?” I slowly let go of her hand, and stand up. “Is Hailey staying here or...”
“Justin do you think you could ever be with somebody like me?” She asks, completely ignoring my attempt to leave.
“Be with you?”
“Somebody like me.”
“Oh...” I’m nervous. A lump the size of a grapefruit seems to have formed at the base of my throat and I can’t get the words out for several moments. “I guess...I guess it would have to depend on who it was.”
“What if it was me?”
Fuck.
“I...no, I mean...you’re not really my type.”
“Right.” She presses her lips together, and look away from me.
“It’s not...it’s not a bad thing,” I continue. “You’re just...you and I are at a different level, socially, I guess.”
“You sound like an idiot right now.”
I sit back down. She’s right. I’m horrible at this shit. I can’t cover up my feelings for her, not for much longer. “What do you want me to say?”
She looks back over at me. “Say how you feel, Justin.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
I manage to stand up again, after a few moments. “It’s not my place.”
“What if I said that...that I wanted to kiss you, right now. Then would it be your place?”
“I’d say it was all the crap you’re doped up on right now, that’s making you talk like that,” I nod. “I’ll just let Hailey sleep here, okay? I’ll bring you a pastry in the morning, under the radar.”
“I know what I’m saying,” she whispers. “Don’t try to tell me how I feel, Justin.”
I know she does. I know she does but I can’t...I can’t make myself take that step with her. I’m her assistant, and I know things can get complicated if we start messing around. I can’t afford that, not with my sister to worry about and my families finances. If I lose this job, there’s no telling if I’d have a second chance with somebody else. “I can’t do this with you, Sarah. I just can’t.”
“Look at me and then say it.”
I sigh harshly, and turn to face her. She’s got me there, because I know I can’t do it. There’s too many emotions brewing inside of me when it comes to her. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I should kiss her, get it over with, and then bar myself from taking it any further than that. It’s possible to do, right?
No.
“Just kiss me,” she whispers. “Everything else has gone to shit anyway.”
“I...I don’t think I can. Not without wanting to do it again, Sarah.”
“Maybe I’ll want you to do it again.”
The look in her eyes tells me she’s being sincere. After five years, I know I’m not wrong, either. I ball my fists at my sides, because I want to stop myself from going through with it. Tonight has been crazy, and she’s sick in bed...she’s not ready for all of this, and when she gets out of here, who knows what will happen? Who knows how she’ll feel? My gaze lands on Hailey. Naturally, she’s out cold.
There’s nothing stopping me.
So I lean in slowly, cupping her face in my hand for a few moments, relishing the feeling of her skin beneath the tips of my fingers before I allow my lips to grab hers. Immediately, my eyes close, and all of that built up emotion that’s been lingering inside of me regarding how I feel about her, escapes through our kiss. Even though she’s weak, she manages to kiss me back too. I never want to stop, just like I knew I wouldn’t, but still, I pull back after a few moments, because it’s not right...she’s vulnerable and so am I.
“I don’t want you to stop,” she whispers after a moment, almost breathlessly.
And when I kiss her again, I know I was right.
I know there’s no turning back now.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Another! Enjoy!
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