One month later
“...sources tell us that film superstar London Pierce has taken it upon herself to fire long time manager Ray Hillsberg, due to irreconcilable differences. The star has not yet confirmed who is going to be taking his place, but remained optimistic in an interview recently, stating that ‘I’ve been in the business long enough to support myself for a few months’. As you all know, the actress admitted herself into a wellness facility last month, to cope with a dependency issue not yet disclosed to the media. Well, London, we pray that your bridge hasn’t fall down just yet. Not with that steamy summer film you’re supposed to cook up with super hunk Chet McStevens. These days, you need all the star points you can get!”
“God, they are so tacky.”
I flick off the television and toss the remote down on the nightstand. It’s been weeks since all of it happened, and still..it’s all they can talk about. My face is still littering the covers of US Weekly, People, and the Inquirer, and I’m all over tabloid television shows like TMZ, and Extra. I try not to watch, but being in this place gives me little options. There’s not much to do here, besides record my thoughts, go for walks, and watch TV.
I’m so glad I’m getting out of here tomorrow.
I’ll admit, it was really hard for me to break down and tell everybody I had a problem once the initial shock of my overdose subsided. I always made it a point to be flawless, perfect London Pierce, so I would be able to conquer the world.
But I reached my breaking point. I pushed myself too hard, took to many drugs and hurled one too many times.
I knew it was time to stop, and the hardest part was figuring out how to do that without ruining my career.
If it wasn’t for Justin, I don’t really know if I would have handled this the way I did. I don’t know if I would have checked myself into this place, left my daughter, taken a leave of absence from my career for a month. But he was strong for me, stood by me, told me that he would handle everything and all I had to worry about was getting better.
And I am better. A lot better. I don’t regret coming here. Hell, I even did a couple of phone interviews last week. I think I had to. They were all so damn curious, and my publicist told me I had to say something, since Ray was out of the picture.
I made that decision quickly. About a week after I checked into this place, he came to see me so we could discuss some things. At first I thought he was going to ask me why I had done all those horrible things to myself, and why I felt I couldn’t talk to him about it. But all he really wanted to know was how long I thought I was going to be out of commission for, and if I was still going to be able to film the movie with Chet.
Then I remembered what Justin told me. That Ray wanted him gone too, and I think that put me over the top.
So I fired him, and I haven’t regretted my decision, even though Lania, my publicist, told me I was nuts. I don’t blame her for thinking that way. Even though he turned out to be a colossal prick, I can’t deny that Ray is one of the best managers in the business, and he’s the reason I got my first real role. I guess I’ll always be thankful for him because of that, but I know our business is done, for good. People think I should be worried about that, but I’m not. I’m strong, and I know I can pull my career off on my own for a month or so while I scope out the market and listen to what these other managers have to offer me.
Besides, I have Justin. Justin who seems to know how to run my career to a tee even though he’s never managed anybody before.
I should just hire him. I’ve considered it too.
But, I have a lot to think about when it comes to Justin and his role in my career. Our relationship has been slightly different because I’ve been in this place. We haven’t been able to be physical, and actually...we haven’t discussed what happened between us at the hospital at all. Everything in my life has been so jumbled, that he and I have only been able to discuss what’s important...Hailey’s care, and saving my career.
Tomorrow I get out. Tomorrow, Justin is going to pick me up, take me back to my house for a couple of hours, and then we’re going to board a flight bound for Paris. The trip was pushed back a few weeks of course, and I feel fortunate that it’s even happening at all. Hailey has school, and Yolanda has graciously agreed to stay with her for the week and a half we’ll be away. I wanted to bring her, but Justin said it might be better if she wasn’t exposed to all that media frenzy. I guess he’s right. It’s not normal for a little kid to be around all of that...
But I’m going to miss her, a lot, and when we get back I fully intend on taking her someplace special to make up for my absence, even if my schedule is going to be packed full. Ray isn’t around to stop me, and so I’m going to do what I want.
Hailey should come first, after all.
“Sarah.”
I look over at the doorway and smile when I see one of the nurses standing there. It’s another thing that’s different about this place...they insist on calling me Sarah. Justin tells me it’s a good thing, because I need to identify with her, and not with London. London, they tell me, is who everybody expects me to be, but Sarah is who I really am. I guess...I’ve come to terms with the person inside since I’ve been here...
But what I’ve realized, is that Justin has always seen me for who I am inside. He’s the only one, and...I’ve talked to my therapist about him more than once. She tells me he’s like my rock, the person that “Sarah” turns to, so she can see herself instead of London. It’s all confusing, and when I get out of here, I’ll be glad when I step out of my house and everyone refers to me as London again. Well, everyone with the exception of Justin.
I don’t want him to stop calling me Sarah, just like I didn’t want him to stop kissing me in the hospital.
Often, I sit here and think back to that night. I see him standing there, see that look in his eyes...the one that was so torn, so afraid of giving into his emotions. It wasn’t just because I was his boss either, it was something else. It was like...he was terrified of admitting to himself that he cared about me, and when his lips touched mine, I felt that electricity flowing out of him and into me.
When his lips touched mine, I knew it was more than just a kiss. When his lips touched mine...
When his lips touched mine, I knew he’d fallen in love with me a long time ago. I couldn’t understand why.
I still can’t.
How do I feel? I’m not sure. I haven’t had that chance to deal with that yet, because I’ve been in here and he’s been so busy. I know I care about him, a lot. I think I might have stronger feelings for him than I’ve ever had for anybody, and that includes Alex. He’s so much different from the rest of the men that have been in and continue to be in my life. Justin isn’t only about the business, he’s not exploitive and he’s definitely not in this thing with me so he can get in my pants. He genuinely cares.
I’ve never had that before, and I admit, it scares me. It scares me because I don’t know if I can be that person for him. I don’t know if I’m good enough...I don’t know if I could sacrifice myself like he does for me.
“Hey,” I finally answer, and yawn a little bit. “Dr. Chabson wants to see me?”
“No, he says he’s giving you a get out of jail free card, actually,” she chuckles. “Somebody else wants to spend the day with you instead.”
I raise an eyebrow, then she steps aside, and Justin pops into view. The smile spreads across my face immediately. It’s an instant reaction that I couldn’t stop even if I tried.
“Hey, Sarah.” He steps into the room, and pulls something out from behind his back a moment later. Beautiful flowers, Lilies, which he knows are my favorite. They must be all over my house, and it’s the first time I’ve been able to have any since I went away.
“Justin...you didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to.” He smiles and lays them on the table, before coming over to me. “Doctor says you can leave today.”
“Seriously?” My eyes widen. “But I thought...”
“I pulled some strings, and promised not to let you out of my sight,” he chuckles. “C’mon.” He holds his hand out to me. “You’ve got a whole day and I’m not letting you waste it in here. Let’s get you packed.”
I don’t ask anymore questions, I just follow his lead. An extra day for myself...for my daughter, is something I didn’t count on, but once again Justin has come through for me...went out of his way for the sake of my happiness. It’s crazy how much he cares, and I wish...I wish I knew how I really felt, how far my heart was willing to go for him. But I just don’t know, and I don’t think he expect me to...not yet.
Later, I’m sure, we’ll discuss everything in detail. For now, I’ll just be happy that I’m getting the hell out of the looney bin.
I’m packed and ready to leave within twenty minutes (Justin did most of the work), and he leads the way out of the room behind the nurse, refusing to let me carry any of my bags besides my purse. At reception, I sign my final releases and my therapist, Dr. Chabson come to bid me goodbye. I shake his hand, we hug, and I feel the tears rolling down my face when I pull away from him.
“Take care of yourself, Sarah,” he whispers, and glances at Justin. “You have a great support right here. Make sure you take advantage of it. I’ll see you in a month for a follow up.”
I glance at Justin, and smirk at him as he smiles at me. “I definitely will.”
Justin shakes his hand, and then we’re on our way out of the building. When I step outside, I feel...different. I feel reknewed, like I’m ready to tackle the world again, head on, with him at my side. This time though, I’ll be a lot better, treat him and my other employees with a lot more respect than I ever have before. It’ll be good, I think. It’ll be nice to be happier, if nothing else.
“You ready?”
I look at him, see him smiling at me, his blue eyes glinting with happiness. “I’m ready.”
***********
“Mommy.”
I look up from my ice cream, and smile at her. She’s got her ‘blue monster cake’ ice cream smeared all over her face but I don’t attempt to wipe it away. It’s a joy, watching her eat her ice cream, because it’s something I rarely get to do...take my daughter out for a day of carefree fun. “Hailey?”
“Is Justin your boyfriend?”
My eyes widen, and I choke out a laugh. “Well...no, honey. Justin works for me, you know that.”
She shrugs, and digs her spoon around in her dish.
“Why would you think that, Hailey?”
“I guess I just thought that you liked him. There’s a boy in my class named Michael, and sometimes I look at him like I see you looking at Justin.”
Boys. Oh Christ. She’s only nine and she’s already an expert on love. Should I have expected any less from her though? Probably not. Hailey isn’t a stupid kid. She’s had to come face to face with the realities of life earlier than most kids her age, and I know she can see things that some adults don’t even catch on to. She’s been watching Justin and I today closely, ever since we picked her up from school, like she knows something is up. I don’t know what went on while I was gone, what he may have told her, but if I know Justin at all, I know that he wouldn’t pull my daughter aside and confess his undying love for me. It’s just not like him.
She can just tell.
“Hailey...” I sigh. “What you have to understand is...”
“Hey, look.” Justin smiles brightly as he plops down beside me in the booth. “I won you a ton of tickets at the arcade, Hailster.” He plops a huge pile of them in the middle of the table and I laugh when I see my daughters eyes grow as tall as that pile. “Why don’t you go pick out a cool prize?”
“Yay! Thank you!” She jumps up excitedly and runs around the table to wrap her arms around him. Of course, she gets all the ice cream on her face smeared onto Justin’s shirt, but as always, he pretends not to notice. “I love you, Justin.”
He laughs and kisses her cheek. “I love you too. Just don’t get any of those plastic harmonicas, all right?”
“Okay!” She snatches the pile of tickets, and runs off towards the glittering arcade.
“You spoil her,” I laugh, and take another bite of my ice cream.
“Maybe.” He slurps his milkshake, his eyes full of playfulness. “But she deserves it once in a while, especially with us leaving tomorrow.”
I nod. “No, you’re right. I know she does. Thank you...for today, for bringing us out like this. You didn’t have to. You could have taken the day for yourself.”
He shrugs. “I guess...I’d rather spend today with you and her.”
I nod. Okay, it’s getting a little awkward, but I knew it would be. Things are different now, I can’t deny that, and it’s probably better we get all of this out in the open today, rather than tomorrow when I’ll have so much work laying in front of me I won’t be able to see clearly. “Justin...about...about what happened...”
“Hey, look, it was just a spur of the moment thing,” he says quickly. “We were both emotional, and it was a crazy night. Things happened, but...I think we’re back on the same page now, right?”
I just stare at him.
“Sarah?”
“I um...” I lick my lips and push my ice cream away. “I dunno. I thought...I mean...there was more there, don’t you think?”
He leans back in his seat, and loosens his tie. He’s nervous. I can see the beads of sweat forming on his brow, and I can tell he’d rather not talk about this at all...but that’s just not possible. It’s a big deal, and I can’t just avoid the subject like he wants to. “Sarah it’s just...I mean, I work for you. I practically run your career and I just don’t know if...messing around...is the best thing for us right now.”
“Messing around?” I scoff. “Justin, we kissed. We kissed and...I don’t really care what you say, there was a lot of power behind it. I felt it, and I know it’s the truth. If we decided to take it further, I wouldn’t consider it messing around.”
He rubs the back of his neck, and gives me a serious look. “Then what would you consider it?”
“I...” I look down at my lap, suddenly feeling foolish for allowing my emotions to get the best of me. I’ve only been out of rehab for a few hours and already I’m starting to lose my sense of reality. Of course nothing can come out of what happened. He’s not ready, he’s too busy with my other crap and well...
I’m a mental case too. I should have known better. I’m not good enough for him, not in that way.
“Just forget it,” I whisper.
“I’m not saying that I don’t care about you,” he says quickly. “I do, Sarah. I care about you...probably more than anybody I know. But I can’t justify, you know...us right now. There’s too much at risk, and I want you to get your career back on track before anything else. That’s important.”
I nod, but don’t say anything else, and when he doesn’t either, I know...the conversation is getting placed on the back burner.
I’m so stupid.
Love? Justin? Never. I’m too much of a mess, and he could never be with somebody like me. We’re ‘too different, socially’.
I wish I never kissed him...
Then I look at him, and all I want is to feel his lips on mine again.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” He finally says. “Like I just shattered your whole world?”
I look away from him. “I’m not.”
“This is why I didn’t want to do anything in the first place.”
“But you did!” I yell it at him, despite the fact that we’re in public and people can see. I just don’t care. I’m a human being, and I’m allowed to have feelings too, even if people will talk, take pictures, and embarrass me in the end. “You did...” I lean in and put my face right in front of his. “And you wanted to do it just as much as I did.”
He clenches his jaw, and I see his cheek bones jutting out angrily. He doesn’t want to deal with this. He just wanted this to be a carefree day of arcade games, pizza, and ice cream, like reality wasn’t going to slap us all in the face. I hate him for being so damn nonchalant...
But I love him for it at the same time.
Fuck, really?
Yes.
I’m in love with this man.
“You pushed it...you just...told me to kiss you and I was so fucking distraught that I...”
“Stop making excuses,” I grunt. “I know you Justin. If you don’t want to do something, you generally find a way out of it. You could have walked away that night, told me it wasn’t a good idea, but you didn’t. You didn’t, and I know it’s because you couldn’t. Because you care...”
“I can’t care about you!” He yells at me. “Not like that!”
My mouth hangs open, and it’s so silent now, that I’m sure everybody is staring at us, but I just don’t care. “You’re afraid,” I tell him. “Believe me, I can tell. I’ve been in therapy for over a month. Something fucked up happened to you, Justin, and I’m not sure what it is...but I know that it’s the reason you haven’t left me, and it’s the reason why you’re in denial about all of this. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone there, but I did, so did you, and you know what?”
He breathes in and out heavily. “What?”
“I think you’re in love with me.”
“You’re crazy.” He shifts and slides out of the booth. “I’m getting Hailey. We should go...”
“I think you are, Justin,” I persist. “Because I know I’m in love with you, and I couldn’t be...I couldn’t feel that way, unless you felt the same.”
He’s walking away at this point, but he stops in his tracks. I know he heard every word, and while it’s really fucking awkward to be talking about this in a Larry’s Lots-o-Fun, I know it had to be said. He turns to me then, crosses his arms, and narrows his eyes at me.
“What the fuck, Sarah.”
“Just admit it,” I whisper. “It just happened...it’s nobodies fault.”
“I’m not admitting anything.” He shakes his head roughly. “It’s done...all right? Let’s just put the whole thing behind us and get back to work, like we planned.”
“Justin...”
“Enough!”
My voice cuts off. He’s really...angry. He doesn’t want to face this, talk about it, admit that he might love me, or accept that I love him. My heart sinks. I feel like I’ve just been pulverized all over again. It’s the way Alex always made me feel in the past, and I never thought Justin could ever be the one to do it to me. Not now, and especially not today.
“I’ll get Hailey. Just meet me at the car,” he whispers. “Okay?”
I don’t answer him. I can’t, because I’m too angry, and the last thing I want is to throw a fit inside a place like this, my first day out of rehab. Instead, I slide out of the booth and storm out of the restaurant, not stopping until I get to the car and manage to get inside.
Then the tears come, and it’s shocking to me because...
Because Justin was the last person I thought would have made me cry on a day like today.
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