Chapter 11 – Aftermath

She looked him in the eyes. Her hand rested on the back of his neck and she could feel the sweat that had accumulated there.

He lowered his head to kiss her, and as they were lips-to-lips, she could feel his heavy breathing and his heart beat against her bare chest.

“I think I love you,” he whispered against her lips.

“I think I might love you, too,” she whispered back, terrified that she would wake up in the morning and realize she meant it.

She thought she was waking up. She couldn't be sure, because her eyes weren't open yet. She couldn't tell whether she was having a dream or recalling last night – but the feeling of warm, bare skin gave her an indication.

She could feel him breathing again, both the rise and fall of his chest against her back and his warm breath on her neck. His face was buried in her neck and he had both arms wrapped around her; apparently, he had held her all night while they slept.

She knew what happened without even having to be told. She could feel the fabric of the blanket wrapped around them against her bare breasts. He had his legs tangled between hers, and the skin of his thigh melted into hers.

She felt him stir, and his arm shifted in a way that he squeezed her body closer to his.

She didn't want to move. She could lay this way with him forever and be content. And it scared her to death.

She laid there for what felt like years before his arm moved and he rolled over onto his back. She reluctantly rolled over, making sure she pulled the blanket with her.

“Lance...”

“I know, Adeline. I know.”

They were silent for a few moments, her eyes closed, trying to recapture those savory feelings from just a few minutes before. She turned her head on the pillow to look over at him, and saw him staring up at the ceiling.

“I'll go make coffee,” he said quietly.

She silently watched him sit up in bed, reaching down next to him on the floor to grab his boxers and a pair of jeans. The metal attachments of his belt clanked together as he took the extra time to buckle it before he stood up and walked out of the room, avoiding eye contact with her.

When he left, she tightly closed her eyes, finally feeling the gravity of reality hit her.

Last night, she had felt like she had emerged from being in a cave after sixteen years. Instead of everything being cast in darkness, everything had brightened up. She let loose, had fun, and played a role she wasn't used to – herself, from so long ago. The fun her – not the uptight one he always talked about.

He was wrong; she did remember most of what happened, including the table dance. She wouldn't tell him because he wouldn't believe her, but that was who she had always wanted to be. That was who her anxiety prevented her from being because she was always concerned about something. That was who she had been before her parents' accident; minus the alcohol and table dancing of course, but fun-loving and carefree.

She mourned the death of carefree Adeline and the return to the Adeline who thought that chaos was always a bad thing.

She slipped on her costume from last night, since she had no other clothes, avoiding putting on the white stockings and the hat that went with it. As she was putting on her boots, he came into the room holding his coffee mug and leaned against the door frame.

She stopped tying her boot laces to lift her head slightly towards him.

“What happened – shouldn't have happened,” he said. “It was stupid and we were drunk. But we didn't do anything wrong.”

“Maybe you didn't,” she said, yanking on the last shoe lace. “I'm married. I did something very wrong.”

“He's cheating on you, too.”

“You don't know that!”

She hadn't meant to raise her voice at him.

“You don't know that,” she said, lowering her voice. “And this is about more than him. You're my boss. I'm supposed to be a professional.”

“And whose rules did we break, Addy?”

“Mine! Mine, Lance. My rules.”

“We're adults,” he said. “We didn't rob a bank; we had sex. I feel bad that it happened under the circumstances that it did, but I don't regret that it happened at all. I don't feel bad about that, and you shouldn't either.”

“Maybe that makes you feel better,” she said. “That's great for you. But it doesn't help me. I have to go.”

She stormed to the living room to grab her coat and keys, and he followed quickly after her. As she was about to pass the entryway to the door, he grabbed her arm.

“I meant what I said last night,” he said. “I love you, Adeline.”

As she stared in his eyes, she remembered everything she felt last night for him. He looked so serious, like he was in so much pain. She never wanted to go back to her “real” life.

“I love you, too,” she said. “And that's what scares me so much.”

She walked away from him, gently removing her arm from his grasp, and walked out of the door before he could stop her.

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“Adeline James...”

“I know,” Adeline said with an exaggerated groan. “You don't have to tell me Steph. You're going to yell at me, because either way I'm stupid.”

“You walked out on him?”

“I had to.”

“But why?”

After fighting tears in her eyes the whole drive home, the only thing she could think to do when she stepped in her doorway was call Stephanie.

“I wish I could tell you,” she said. “But I don't know.”

“He told you he loves you. Twice! Lance never says anything remotely positive twice in one night, much less 'I love you'!”

She silently chuckled, which almost brought on more tears.

“You know that I love you,” she said. “I would never say anything to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you. And after the discussion we had yesterday, it hurts me to know that I could hurt you by bringing this up...but how can you do this after what you saw yesterday morning?”

“Stephanie, I don't want to go through this again...”

“No,” Stephanie said forcefully. “No, Addy, I won't let you pretend that you didn't see it. What did you find yesterday morning?”

She sighed.

“Pictures.”

“Pictures of what?”

“Marc,” Adeline said reluctantly.

“Doing what?” Stephanie said. “What was Marc doing, AJ?”

Adeline hadn't heard that name, what Stephanie had called her when they were young girls, in over a decade. She took a breath, preparing herself for what she was about to say.

“Kissing another woman,” she said, letting the tears spill from her eyes.

Stephanie paused before she continued, giving Adeline time to take a couple of shaky breaths.

“He was kissing another woman,” she said softly. “Your husband. The man you've put every last bit of trust you have in – betraying you. You're worrying yourself to tears about breaking your vows with a man you love, who clearly loves you – and who knows how long he's been doing this. Those vows mean less to him than they do to you.”

“That doesn't make it any less wrong,” Adeline said.

“Maybe not,” Stephanie said. “But I think in a race to the finish of the worst moral values, there's obviously someone who has a head start here.”

Thinking about it all day was the reason she had started drinking at the party. When she had seen the pictures on the internet, she had nearly had a panic attack but had narrowly managed to escape it. She didn't tell Lance because she didn't feel like hearing his obvious opinion on the subject.

“Two wrongs don't make a right, Steph.”

“Hello, operator, my name is Adeline, and I've been emotionally disconnected,” Stephanie said. “Wake up and be human for once. You're allowed an emotionally distraught mistake every now and then.”

“How am I going to tell Marc?” Adeline said.

“Uh...you're not?”

“I have to tell him, Steph. I can't lie to him.”

“Yeah, because he's so good at telling you the truth,” Stephanie said. “Look, as far as I'm concerned, if you really intend to keep this as a one-time thing, a mistake – you don't have to tell him anything. He's obviously doing things and not telling you. If you intend to keep this going – which I'm all for, by the way – then I think you know what the first thing you need to do is.”

“Are you going to use the 'D' word?”

“It was invented for a reason. Some couples aren't meant to be together, honey. It's like...this is a big world, you know? And you're supposed to find your other half, but that's not easy. Wires cross sometimes. Mistakes are bound to be made – it's called the grand design for a reason. It's freaking huge.”

Adeline sighed.

“This is such a disaster, Steph.”

“Tornadoes are disasters. The earthquake in Haiti was a disaster. Hurricane Katrina was a disaster. You and Lance are not a disaster – that's cosmic.”

Adeline rolled her eyes.

“You're a lot of help, you know that?”

“I'm not supposed to help,” Stephanie responded. “Your idea of me being helpful would be me telling you that you did something horrible and it was a shitty idea. It was my idea from the beginning; it couldn't be shitty. I'm a genius.”

“A casual observer would say you just have no moral center.”

“Of course I do. Idiots have no moral center; look at politicians.”

Adeline laughed so suddenly she almost dripped the coffee she was drinking all over her shirt.

“So then what do I do?” she said after she had regained her composure.

“Forget your brain,” Stephanie said. “Follow your heart, Addy. Chances are Marc has been cheating a long time. He's not going to stop because you say so; I'd venture to say that no matter what you do with Lance, it's probably over anyway.”

Adeline felt something click inside her head. Before Marc's first movie took off, he had been well-known as a womanizer among any friends she had, with multiple girls telling her of times he had made moves on them. It had never gone any farther than flirting, at least not that she knew of. After they had gotten engaged, the flirting seemed to stop. But as soon as he got his break, it seemed like he was gone more than he was home.

The rumors had been milling around ever since. She had always boiled it down to the media doing what it was known for doing – creating a story where there was little or no truth, but good potential. But it had been going on for so long, with so many rumors and now evidence – how could she know now? How could she keep believing that there was nothing going on?

“Addy? You still there?”

“Yeah,” she responded. “Sorry, I spaced out.”

“Hmm...thinking about anything interesting?” Stephanie said suggestively.

“Thinking about finishing my coffee. Then thinking about taking a shower.”

“Yeah?”

“Then I'm thinking about getting dressed, maybe putting on makeup, getting in my car...” She sighed. “And going to him.”

“Oh,” Stephanie said, her excitement growing. “And then what?”

“Then...whatever happens, happens.”

“That's my girl!” Stephanie exclaimed.

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Adeline walked down the hallway of the first level of his apartment building. After she had ended the phone call with Stephanie, she had taken a shower so hot that her skin had turned bright pink. She stood at her closet for several minutes dripping wet, wondering what was appropriate to wear to this type of meeting.

She didn't know what would happen when she got there. She didn't even know if she knew what she wanted to happen, or if he would talk to her when she found him. It seemed like, lately, fear made her run out of any situation she didn't want to face. Marc had been guilty of pushing her away from him, but she didn't realize until today that she was guilty, too – of pushing everyone away.

She tried to keep her footsteps coming down the cement stairs of the basement light, so she wouldn't alert him that she was there. She barely turned the corner of the door frame to the laundry room when she saw him standing at the machines, throwing wet clothes into the dryer.

She had no sooner taken a single step into the doorway when he turned his head, making her jump back a step.

“Hey,” she said.

He put one last item in the dryer and shut the door.

“Hey.”

“So, I went to your apartment first but I couldn't find you. Your neighbor was leaving and told me you were down here,” she said.

He turned a dial on the dryer and pushed a button to start it.

“Yeah.”

“So you're doing laundry,” she said. “I didn't know you did laundry.”

“Yeah,” he said, starting to throw clothes into the washer drum. “I can actually take care of myself.”

“I didn't mean anything by that, Lance,” she said.

“Are we going to go back to this?” he asked. “The way it was before – you insult me, I insult you back, neither one of us means it but it's more comfortable than admitting that there's something here?”

She nodded. “You're right – there's something here. That's why I came to talk to you.”

“No,” he said forcefully. “I have something to say first. You remember last night, when you were asking me if those bad decisions you make when you're drunk are good decisions you're too scared to make when you're sober? Did it ever occur to you that once, in your quest to keep your life in perfect order, you made the perfect decision? When's the last time you had fun like that? When's the last time you danced, even if it was drunk on a table? When's the last time you woke up next to someone that actually cared for you the way you care for them?”

“A long time.” She walked toward him. “That's why this is so scary. I should feel this way about my husband. My husband should feel this way about me. And apparently, neither of us do. After spending the past five years with a man I thought I knew and thought I loved, you walk into my life. Now all of a sudden, I've known you for about a month and you've made me question my entire marriage. Do you know how terrifying that is?”

“I guess I don't,” he said. “All I know is that I haven't met anyone I cared for so much since Mackenzie left. I guess it's terrifying and confusing as hell, but I'm not letting that stop me.”

“The difference is, Mackenzie left,” she said. “She's not around anymore. You're not married to her. It's not wrong for you to feel that way for someone else.”

When he stayed silent, she grabbed his hand, first twisting her fingers between his, then pulling him in towards her.

“I can't pretend I don't feel the way I feel for you,” he said after a few moments.

“I'm not asking you to,” she said. “At least not in private. We can't be seen in public together as anything but client and employee.”

“I know,” he said.

“Sometimes they photograph me, too,” she said. “I'm at an event thinking I'm being conspicuous and the next day I find myself on TMZ. And our friends – Joanna, Jamie-Lynn, even Joey – they can't know either.”

“Who can know, Addy?” he asked.

“You and me. That's it. At least until I figure out what to do about the situation I've put myself in. Just the two of us.”

“And when it's the two of us?”

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“I think I ran out on you a little early this morning,” she said. “If I remember correctly, you still owe me a breakfast.”

“It's past noon,” he said. “I think it's a little late for breakfast.”

“I never said I meant now.”