That night, Joey could not sleep. 

Drained as his body was, he could not get his mind to shut off. Every now and then his eyes would close for a few minutes, only to snap open again.

He shifted his position on the bed at least a dozen times, trying to find a comfortable spot. 

It did no good.

At half-past two, Joey decided to hang around the kitchen for a while. As quietly as he could manage, he slipped out of bed and crept past Lance and Chris, who both appeared dead to the world. Before he set toe out the door, something prompted him to pick up the book resting on his dresser and take it with him. 

In the kitchen, using only the lights above the breakfast bar, Joey sat with his own copy of the Bible. He thumbed gently through the ivory pages, which were almost like new. He paid especial attention to the Book of Revelation; like Sheri, he tried to read the words with genuine intent, and it truly amazed him at how much they comforted and inspired him. Besides the verse Sheri had shared with him, the fourth verse of the twenty-first chapter also caught his eye; he found himself reading it again, and again, and yet again:

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” 

Tears all but flooded Joey’s eyes, blurring the passage. His throat squeezed spandex-tight. Warmth enveloped his heart at the same moment guilt sickened him.

Why haven’t I turned to this thing more often? Why haven’t I read it like this before?

How many times had he taken God’s word for granted?

How many things in this world had he taken for granted?

Would he still have the opportunity to experience those things and savor them?

If he did, he would never take them for granted again.

Absorbed in his reverie, he didn’t realize he had company, not until a groggy voice asked, “What are you doing up, Joey?”

Glancing over his shoulder, Joey could just make out Chris’s disheveled form in the dim light.

At a different time, Joey would have left the room on the spot. While he stayed put, his voice held a noticeable edge when he said, “Hello, Chris. Long time, no see.”

Chris squirmed a bit, but his tone was docile when he asked, “May I sit with you?”

“If you feel the need.”

Very slowly, Chris ventured forward and joined Joey at the black granite counter. The two men hadn’t been this close in ages, and Joey couldn’t help noticing his companion’s physical disarray. Several strands of Chris’s brown hair trailed limply in his face, he needed a shave, and his clothes appeared baggier than usual. Joey thought he looked a little pale, too.

As Chris sat there, he glanced at Joey sideways and whispered, “Hey.”

“Hey.” It was with considerable effort that Joey didn’t say, “So you decided to acknowledge my existence after all.” Instead, he asked with as much tact as he could find, “So, what are you doing up, man?”

“Couldn’t sleep. I also noticed you leaving the room and…” Chris trailed off for a bit, then resumed. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Very thoughtful gesture,” Joey said, unsure of how grateful he ought to be.

“Is that the Bible you’re reading?”

“Yeah.”

“What for? I mean, why the sudden interest?”

“Felt I could use a bit of spiritual guidance. And there’s no law that says you can’t read the Bible at three in the morning, is there?”

“I guess not.”

When Chris didn’t move or say anything else, Joey asked him, “So, are you just passing through, or do you want something special?”

Looking and sounding extremely uncomfortable, Chris mumbled, “I—I’ve just been missing you, that’s all.”

“Really?” Joey crossed his arms and tilted his head shrewdly to one side. “I never would have guessed.”

For a long time, neither of them spoke.

Then, to Joey’s genuine surprise, Chris gave a loud groan and buried his face in his hands. “Ugh! I can’t take this anymore!”

Joey furrowed his brow. “Can’t take what anymore?”

Dropping his hands to the table, looking Joey in the eye for once, Chris asked in a voice as distraught as his face, “Aren’t you ever going to forgive me, Joey?”

“For what?”

“You know what! For avoiding you in the hospital. For steering clear of you whenever you were around. For getting cold feet on you on the whole.” Chris’s soft brown eyes filled past the brim. His voice broke. “I’m so sorry, Joey. I should have been there for you. I should have been a better friend.”

Now Joey got at him. “Yes, you should have,” he said, speaking quietly but brusquely enough to make Chris flinch again. “I never would have expected you, of all people, to get cold feet like that. Even now, I can’t believe you, and I’ll never understand you.”

Chris closed his eyes, drew in a slow breath, and just as slowly let it out. When he opened his eyes, he said as softly as ever, “All right, then. Would you at least believe and understand my reasons for doing what I did and feeling the way I felt?”

“What reasons?” Joey never thought it was possible to be so frustrated, so concerned, and so downright mystified about one person at one time.

With a heavy sigh, Chris leaned forward and massaged his temples with his fingertips. He looked weary and somehow older than Joey remembered him. With his head down, he murmured, “This isn’t easy for me to say, Joey, and I’m not proud of myself. But please hear me out, will you?”

“I’m listening.”

After taking another minute to think of the right words, Chris began, and even then his voice wavered more than once. “It got me down big-time when they told us you had cancer. I never expected something so awful to strike someone I knew and cared about so much, least of all you. I couldn’t believe it; I didn’t want to believe it. I can only describe that day as one of the worst days of my life, if not the worst.”

Welcome to my world.

“I didn’t know what to do.” Chris shook his head, closed his eyes again and hid them in one palm. “What could I do? Every time I looked at you, saw what the doctors and the treatments were doing to you, I got so scared and upset and ashamed—”

Joey cut him off. “Ashamed of what?”

Slowly, Chris withdrew his hand and fixed his solemn, tearful gaze with Joey’s once more. In a voice almost too quiet for Joey’s ears, the older man answered, “Of the fact that you had cancer and I didn’t. That my health was perfectly sound and yours wasn’t. And still, I didn’t want to trade places with you—and that only made me feel worse.” A tear slid down his cheek, which he never bothered to wipe away.

Joey sat stock-still. Had he seen Chris sprout a second head, he couldn’t have been more stunned. “For real, man?” was all he could get out of his mouth.

Chris nodded forlornly as another tear made a shining streak. “That’s why I kept my distance. I was afraid for you, heartsick for you, but never put off by you. I had no idea what to tell you, how I could make your situation any better. I felt too guilty, like I didn’t deserve to be your brother anymore. The odds of you not recovering terrified me; I could literally see myself and the other guys at your funeral. You never knew, but so many nights, I just cried myself to sleep.”

As Joey viewed things from Chris’s perspective, he couldn’t help getting a little choked up, too. He didn’t have to think about it to know that his heart would have been truly sick were this happening to Chris or any of his mates.

Much as he pitied Sheri, he also knew he didn’t want to be in her place if he had the choice. In spite of all he had endured, the greater part of him refused to give up the fight, remained fixed that he would stay in this world forever—or at least until age reduced him to a raisin.

Knowing Sheri, he had no doubt that she would never let him take her place anyway.

Chris went on, “I thought it might help you and me if I put some space between us. Obviously, it never did. Then you started ignoring me, spending all that time with Sheri and Lance. It hurt—and it made me realize how selfish I’ve been. That proved the straw that busted the camel’s back.”

“Wow,” said Joey after another prolonged pause.

Once Chris started talking, he had a lot to say, and now his behavior made a great deal more sense. It didn’t justify him, but Joey found he couldn’t resent him anymore. If anything, Joey could only feel compassion now, along with some foolishness for not taking such grave emotions into better consideration.

What Sheri had once suggested about his mates rang anew in his ears: “I’m sure your cancer is just as hard on them as it is on you. Maybe even harder.”

He also recalled Tami’s words from the previous afternoon: “I feel like I shouldn’t be happy and healthy, like I don’t deserve to have a good time.”

It dawned on Joey that he was every bit as guilty of ignorance as his mates were, perhaps more.

All the time he’d grappled with his emotional burden, Chris had been staggering under the weight of his own load.

They might not have suffered in the same manner—but they suffered all the same.

Sinking his head into his hands one more time, curling his fingers in his hair, Chris bemoaned, “I’m sorry, Joey. I know I screwed up in every way possible, and I’ll understand if you never forgive me. Just, please…please don’t hate me. And please don’t think I didn’t care about you or Sheri, because that couldn’t be farther from the truth. If anything, I cared too much.”

Joey responded straight off. “I forgive you, Chris.”

This brought up Chris’s head with a sharp jolt. Incredulity and hope mingled in the man’s face and voice as he dared to ask, “You—you do?”

“I do,” said Joey, and meant it with all his heart. “Believe it or not, I’ve missed you, too.”

“Really?”

“Sure, I was plenty sore at you for the longest time. But I never stopped caring about you.”

At first, Chris just sat there; the look on his face reminded Joey of a drowning soul who’d miraculously obtained a lifeline. Then the dam shattered, and this time Chris initiated the hug. Joey gave a little gasp, then relaxed in a second.

The twosome held each other long and hard, the tears flowing without restraint. Realizing how long it had been since they’d had physical contact like this made Joey tighten his grip. The embrace lasted a good five minutes, and when it finally ended, both men took their sweet time letting go, their hands sliding gently along each other’s shoulders and forearms.

When Chris found his voice, he said thickly, “Thank you, Joey. Thank you so much. I feel a world of better now.”

“Me too,” Joey said, using the front of his shirt to mop up his eyes.

“I’ll make it up to you, brother. I promise.”

“You’ve convinced me.”

Chris sighed, this time in deep relief. “I wish we’d talked sooner, done a better job at getting through to each other.”

“Well, like they say, no better time than the present.”

“I wish I could go back and redo certain things, especially where Sheri is involved.” Chris lifted a hand to rub the base of his neck. “I honestly didn’t mean to flip out at first sight. That was pretty stupid of me.”

“Can’t say I blame you,” Joey admitted. “That was a pretty nasty shock, even for me. You never know how you’re going to react to someone or something until you see it up close.”

“I wonder if I could still talk to her and make a fresh start with her. I hope she forgives me.”

“If you really want to see her, there’s still a little time. I know it will mean the world to her.”

Chris managed a small smile. “I admire you, Joey. I’m as surprised as anyone at how attached you’ve become to Sheri so quickly. The way you make honest time for her, despite what you’re going through personally—it’s truly remarkable.”

“How can I do anything else?”

Clasping Joey’s shoulder, Chris continued, “And I’m truly sorry about what’s happening to her, too. It’s a terrible thing and doesn’t make the least bit of sense.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Joey affirmed. “Don’t know if it will ever make sense to me. Sheri doesn’t act like she knows everything, and she doesn’t demand all the answers, either. She only does what she believes she must do. No denials. No complaints. No pleas. No fuss.”

“She sounds so brave,” said Chris wistfully.

“So much braver than I feel, that’s for sure.”

They sat in silence for another good while. At length, Chris yawned and kneaded his lids, and Joey couldn’t stifle a yawn of his own.

“What time is it?” Joey asked as he dragged both hands over his face.

“A little after four.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I know, man. Amazing how time flies. Sorry, that was a poor choice of words.”

“No, it’s okay. Might as well try to catch a little more sleep; we’ll need it.”

Right when they got to their feet, Chris touched Joey’s shoulder once more and asked him earnestly, “You sure you forgive me?”

Joey nodded. “I’m sure. In fact, I owe you an apology myself; I should have been more sensitive to your feelings. Guess I got too wrapped up in myself and Sheri to consider what you or anyone else were going through.” He paused, then added sheepishly, “And, I’ll confess, aside from wanting to spend as much time with Sheri as possible, I also did this to get back at you.”

With a dry chuckle, Chris said, “I think it’s safe to say we’re even now.”

Joey squeezed his mate’s hand. “From now on, we’ll both make a more conscious effort to be more sensitive to each other’s feelings. What do you say?”

For the first time that night, for the first time in weeks, a true smile spread over Chris’s face and lit up his eyes, and he answered with open enthusiasm, “It’s a deal.”

“Can I eat breakfast with you?”

Looking up, Joey swallowed what he already had in his mouth before answering, “Suit yourself, J.” 

Tentatively, Justin eased into the spare chair with his own food. He and Joey were the only ones in the room; Lance and Chris had already eaten and JC had left earlier that morning. For once, Joey opted to hang around the condo, at least for now.

As Justin sat there, he couldn’t help staring at the way Joey cleaned his plate. At one point, Joey asked him, “What’s the matter? You’ve seen me eat before.” 

“Yeah,” Justin said, shaking his head, “but not that much in one sitting, and definitely not that fast. Not since you’ve been sick, anyway.”

Reaching for another piece of toast, Joey said, “Well, today’s one of those better days for my stomach. Might as well take advantage of it.” 

Justin waited until he’d added milk and sugar to his coffee and taken a sip before he spoke again. “So…how have you been, man?”

Joey shrugged. “Mm, can’t complain. Not too much, anyway.” 

“How’s Sheri?”

“She’s doing all right, all things considered.”

Very softly, Justin said, “I’m glad to see you this morning, Joe. I don’t get to see much of you anymore.”

“I’ll admit, it’s kind of nice to be here for a change.”

“Much as you may not believe it, I’ve missed you.”

“I believe you. And I could say the same about you. Whatever happened to the good old days?”

Justin started to lift his mug to his lips, but changed his mind. With a morose sigh, he said, “Since we’re both here, I might as well come out and apologize right now.”

Joey lowered his fork. “Apologize for what?” He already knew the answer, of course, but he still wanted to hear Justin say it.

“I know I’ve been a lousy friend these days, from the day you got cancer.” Justin shook his head. “I’m really sorry, Joey. As sorry as I’ve ever been about anything in my life.”

“Glad to see your conscience is still in business.” Joey hadn’t meant to let that slip, but Justin shrugged it off.

“I swear, dude, I didn’t mean to lose touch with you. I guess I didn’t know what else to do or say.”

With a hint of bluntness, Joey informed him, “You could have at least told me, ‘I don’t know what to say.’ That would have been so much better than the silent treatment. And sometimes you don’t have to do anything aside from just being there.”

With his head bowed to his chest, Justin replied in his humblest tone, “You’re right. You’re right about everything, Joe, and I can only hope that we can start over and be friends again.”

In spite of himself, Joey had to smile. “Sure, we can,” he said, which brought a smile to Justin’s face also.

“That’s awesome to know,” Justin said as he toyed with his food. “It’s bad enough that we’re facing cancer right now; I don’t want to face the end of our brotherly bond, too.”

“Cancer sucks, all right,” said Joey between bites of scrambled egg. “At the very least, I’m nearly halfway there already.”

“Good for you. I know people with cancer do get well; I only hope you’re one of the lucky ones.”

“Thanks. I hope for the same. I would hate to have gone through all this horror and torture for nothing.”

Justin hesitated for a long moment, then said slowly, “And…erm…I’m sorry about Sheri. I know she’s your friend and all, and it doesn’t seem right that something like this should happen to her.”

“Whether or not we deem it right makes no difference,” Joey said, but without malice. “Only God can take it from here.”

“She sounds like a truly extraordinary girl.”

“She is.”

“I don’t think I could be half as brave as her, were I in her shoes.”

“I don’t think I could, either.” Joey sighed. “It’s enough to crush anyone. In Sheri’s case, I think she just focuses on those little reasons to go on living, to hold on a little bit longer. She does her share of grieving, but she also views death as a spiritual process. She told me it’s easier to endure the bad when you know there’s something good at the end of it.”

“I’ve always believed in heaven,” said Justin, shifting in his chair, “but every now and then—like right now—I find myself wondering if such a place truly exists. I mean, the idea of total oblivion, of just being gone when you go…” He trailed off, as if unable or unwilling to finish.

Joey nodded and murmured, “I see what you mean, man. I wonder the same thing, and I can’t begin to describe how much it terrifies me.” He paused, then added in a whisper, “But when I’m with Sheri, somehow I’m not so scared anymore. Yeah, I’m still afraid for her and for myself…but something helps to modify that fear. I look into the Bible, too, and that also helps.”

After a minute’s pause, Justin dared to ask, “Do you think Sheri…would you say she meets the…you know…criteria for getting into heaven?”

To this, Joey could only say, “If she doesn’t make it into heaven, who will?”

Another good while passed in pensive silence. When Justin spoke again, he said, “You and Sheri make for an amazing pair, Joe. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Thank you,” Joey said.

Gazing at the table, Justin went on contritely, “I’m sorry I wasn’t friendlier toward her at the beginning. Looking back, I feel like bagging my head.”

“You can still give her another try. I know she’ll be more than willing.”

“It’s worth a shot.” Looking up once more, Justin asked with a hopeful smile, “Hey, if you’re not doing much else today, what do you say we go out somewhere after breakfast? Just you and me? For old times’ sake?”

Joey smiled back and nodded wholeheartedly. “Sounds good to me!”