“We’re just happy to be doing this, you know? It’s been a long time and we just decided it was time to give back to our fans,” I say.
“So this means a tour to follow up right guys?”
“Not so sure about that,” Lance smirks and glances my way. “We’re just happy to be here, together.”
She starts asking Joey some questions and I do my best to smile, keep my focus on his answers.
I’d rather be anywhere else. Anywhere but here.
It’s hard. I mean, these guys are my best friends, but put us in a room together and ask us to do business again, like the old days, and it’s a fucking shit fest. I haven’t been this stressed in years. It’s my fault. I know it is and I accepted that long ago. I’m tired of bickering. They promised me we wouldn’t when I got the call. Josh promised me. He said it would be a lot of fun, and that’s all it would be.
But now the questions. Justin, man don’t you want to tour? Don’t you think it would be a good time?
Maybe, but...that’s not me anymore. I grew out of NSYNC. I wish I could say that I didn’t. I wish it didn’t make me look like an asshole. I wish the four guys that I spent half my life with didn’t all resent me. I mean, Josh doesnt’ really. It’s everyone else...
I know I’m an ass, and I can’t change it, but I’m not willing to take a step back in my career. These guys are my friends and I wanted to do something special tonight...for them and for the fans.
But it’s just not working out, and I can’t wait to go home.
We do some more carpet interviews. Most of the reporters are focused on me, and while I try to push them off on the other guys it just doesn’t do any good. The truth is, they don’t care about the other four guys with me. They’re interested in me, my tour, and my album that’s coming out in another month. It hurts to smile this hard, to act like everything is perfectly fine. It’s reminding me of some much. Of who I was years ago, when my relationship with Britney was falling apart and I was busting my ass to put out a solo album that would get some credibility.
And then I see her out of the corner of my eye.
She’s walking by with her assistant and her manager. I see her Dad too. He doesn’t look our way and neither does she. It’s been a long time since we spoke, her and I. Two years? No...three. I feel that mixture of resentment and love boiling down in the pit of my stomach. I can’t shake it...even though it’s been entirely too long since we parted ways.
I think a part of me will always love that girl.
Fuck, I’m married.
She’s not here....Jess. She’s filming a new movie on the other side of the country. We spoke this morning, said our I love you’s. I’ll see her tomorrow night probably.
She’s the furthest thing from my mind tonight though.
Right now, the only woman I can focus on is her, and fuck, I doubt we’ll speak tonight, even though she’s ten feet away.
Wouldn’t the media love that shit? If she came over and we hugged? The last time I saw her we hugged. It was a random meeting at an industry party where cameras weren’t allowed. She wore a red and white dress that hugged her hips, wore her hair down and wavy, it touched the middle of her back...the way I always loved it. I told her that it was good to see her.
“It’s good to see you too, J. Hows your mom?”
“Doing great,” I smiled. “How are the boys?”
“Doing well. Jayden’s birthday is Tuesday.”
“I know. I had Sonya send something. You got it right?”
“Yeah. He loved it.”
I just smiled casually.
“Call me sometime.”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
I knew I wouldn’t, and she knew it too.
She kissed my cheek as she hugged me once more, and we said our goodbyes as I breathed in the heavenly scent of her perfume.
Two weeks later, I asked my girlfriend to marry me.
It’s been good, I can’t deny that. Jessica is a great girl, my best friend, who’s been by my side for years, even when I tried to push her away. I’ve always had an issue with commitments, ever since...Brit, but Jess wouldn’t take no for an answer. When I broke up with her she still called me, still wanted to be friends and I guess...I guess I just decided that she wasn’t worth losing. When my best friend married the mother of his baby that summer, I decided it was time to settle down. I wasn’t getting any younger, and my mother and granny weren’t backing off the subject of me getting married.
I don’t regret my decision.
It’s just that...being here, right now, seeing her...it’s just reminding me of so much.
“Justin?”
I snap out of it. Britney walks right on by, glances my way, but doesn’t acknowledge me and I don’t acknowledge her either. “Uh...yeah, sorry.”
“What do you think about that?” The woman interviewing us flashes her cheesy smile.
“It’s um...it’s great. I think it’s a great idea,” I reply stupidly.
She along with my other four counterparts just stare at me.
Wrong answer, stupid. Shit, I don’t even know what she asked me.
“We have to move inside!” Our handler yells before I can say anything else. “We have twenty minutes to get them seated!”
A few flashes go off in our faces as we’re begged for just a couple of more pictures, and then, finally, we’re escorted inside Radio City Music Hall.
Once again, we’re about to make history. But it’s not the same. We’re not one unit like we were years go. That brotherly love thing...it doesn’t exist. This is camera hype, and all it’s really doing is boosting my career even more. It sucks. It sucks that I’m overshadowing the four men I built my career with.
But I did it to myself, the moment I decided not to be in the group anymore.
“Ready for some fun tonight?” I smile at Lance.
“Oh yeah...totally.” He says it quickly, and I swear I can see him rolling his eyes before he stalks away from me.
“Don’t worry about it, J. You know how it is.” JC pats me on the shoulder and gives me a tight smile before walking away from me too.
Joey and Chris don’t even speak to me, they just keep walking.
My face grows hot as I stand in the middle of the room, being ignored by most of the people walking in and out. They’ve barely let anybody in. Just press, and friends of the other guys, who of course, don’t really want much to do with me. My mom is here somewhere, with my dad, but I’m sure they’ve been seated already.
My heart starts to thud in my chest. Christ, what if they sabotage the whole performance...the guys? What if they make me look like a complete asshole?
I wouldn’t blame them.
I have to throw up.
I high tail it to the bathroom, shocking the hell out of my bodyguard, Eric, who tries to keep up with me as best he can. I think I hear him call out to me as I push my way inside a door that looks like it leads into a restroom, but I don’t turn back to acknowledge him.
I just need to be alone right now.
I lean over the sink, dry heaving for a few minutes, but I manage to keep dinner down. I look at myself. I’m tired, drained. I’ve been working my ass off, touring and getting ready to drop the new album. This whole thing...I don’t know what I was thinking when I said yes. I guess I just thought it would be fun.
But it’s not fun, and I hate smiling and forcing pleasantries for everybody when I’m this miserable.
I hear a toilet flush, and I take a deep breath, preparing myself for whoever is about to walk out of that stall. I hope it’s not anybody I have to smile for...
The door opens, but it’s far from who I expected to see walking out of the stall.
Shit, the women’s room.
I can’t fucking believe this.
“Oh...wow...” She laughs into her hand and stares at me, dumbfounded.
My jaw drops open a little.
“Justin...what the hell are you doing?” Britney laughs, walking closer to where I’m standing. “Did you...did you follow me in here?”
“Follow you?” I scowl. “I wouldn’t have followed you. I just...didn’t look at the sign on the door...”
Oh God.
“Well...how are you?” She steps up to the illuminated mirror and plops a small makeup bag on the sink. “I mean, we may as well catch up as long as we’re here.”
I shrug. “Fine, I guess.”
“Bad night huh?” She cackles and begins to apply some mascara and lip gloss. “I mean, I heard about this whole reunion thing, and all I could think was that you either got paid off really well, or you just lost your mind. Honestly, J, you had to have known they’d all treat you like shit tonight.”
All these years and she still calls me J. She would though. Nothing’s really changed between us except for the fact that we don’t love each other anymore.
Well...at least she doesn’t love me anymore.
“I just thought it might be fun,” I mutter.
“Fun went out the door years ago.” She finishes with her makeup and tosses it back into her little bag before turning to me. “You realize you basically dangled a comeback in front of them, right?”
“So you hate me too?”
“You’re so damn successful. An icon now, like me,” she nods. “It’s what you always wanted. What we always wanted since we were kids, Justin. How could I hate you for it? All the shit between us aside, you know I’m proud of you. You know that.”
“They’re not.”
She laughs. “Justin, did you really have any intention on doing a reunion album?”
“Well...no...”
“Then you should have turned them down when they asked to do the performance.” She puts a hand on my shoulder, gently. “You’re a pro. I know you’ll get through tonight, but...I wouldn’t take them up on any more offers after this. Get your album out, tour, and then damn...would you start your family already?”
I feel my cheeks burning. “I’m too busy for kids, Brit.”
She sighs. “I remember when you told me that you were ready to have kids, when we were like...nineteen. I think I was the one that said you were crazy.”
“Yeah...” I trail off and chuckle sadly. “That was a long time ago.”
“We were different I guess...still dreamers, even though we’d done some much already.”
I nod a little. I can’t look her in the eye, because I hate remembering that.
I hate remembering what we could have had if...things hadn’t gone so bad.
“It took me a long time to get over hating you,” she whispers. “Now I just...blame this fucked up business for...everything. I was messed up for a really long time. Nobody knows that better than you do.”
For the first time I can look her in the eyes and see...see that woman that I loved way back in the beginning, when we were just starting out, when we were just...in love, and the business didn’t matter so much. She’s really grown up. The kids changed her a lot. When that judge took them away, I think it seriously woke her up. Getting married to Kevin was a huge mistake...a lot of things she did were huge mistakes but I think now, she’s got her head together. She’s strong and determined, and nobody is going to get in her way ever again.
“I never hated you,” I whisper. “I was just...really angry. The last time we saw each other, I was still angry with you.”
She smiles gently. “And now?”
“Now I’m...I’m proud of you,” I nod. “I really am. You got past a lot of shit.”
She shrugs. “I can’t afford to crumble anymore. I have the boys and...I want to be happy, Justin.”
“I want you to be happy,” I tell her. “That’s all I ever really wanted.”
Her cell phone dings and she reads her text message, sighing as she types in a reply. “I have to go.”
“I know.”
She leans in, smiles, and kisses my cheek. “I’ll be cheering y’all on from the audience. Kill it, for me, okay?”
“Absolutely.”
She smiles one more time, and then she’s gone.
She’s gone, and she’s definitely over me. She’s been over me for a long time, that’s obvious.
But I don’t think I’ll ever be over her. The one that got away.
“Justin!” Eric pops his head into the door. “Get your ass outta here!”
I groan. “Coming.”
As always, Britney and I are seated on complete opposite sides of the theater. It’s probably for the best. I can’t have my wife seeing Britney and I all cozy together, because I know she’s watching tonight. I’m sitting with my parents and the guys, smiling, trying to make the best of the night.
The performance comes later in the night, and it’s like a whirlwind. It’s like old times. We just fall into it like we were never apart, and I feel that chemistry, that thing that brought us together as a group from the very beginning.
Then, just like that, it’s over again. JC, Lance, Joey and Chris, go off to celebrate together after we get off stage. I win a few awards and we’re made to take pictures as a group on the red carpet after the show, but that’s the extent of their involvement with me.
But that’s okay.
My cellphone vibrates in my pocket as I stand with my mom and dad, the guys just a few feet away, deciding if we really want to go to Diddy’s after party or not.
Pinky:
You guys killed it. Loved your performance too. I’m proud. Next year you and I should do a reunion performance.
If she ever knew I had her under that name in my phone, she’d probably kill me.
Thanks. It was fun. Good idea...I think it might be bigger than the Madonna kiss if we could pull it off. You going to Diddy’s thing?
Pinky:
Not really in the mood. I could go for some diner grub.
Me too. I’m with my folks though.
Pinky:
I figured. Text me sometime, okay?
Sure. Have a good night.
Pinky:
You too.
And we both know I won’t text, or call, and she won’t either. It’s just the way things are, how they’ll always be.
But hey, at least tonight was fun.
Or at least, it was supposed to be.
Story Notes:
A little one shot I came up with. Hope you like.
Completed
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