Chapter 1
Amanda glanced at Terra sitting beside her and was thankful for more reasons than she could count. She hadn’t spoken one word to her father since he’d been arrested, having to look him in the face was going to be rather difficult, even if it was through a glass window. Her resentment was on the verge of boiling over and Amanda was afraid that she’d have a hard time containing herself once she was actually in his presence.
Of course, she was still having a hard time getting over the initial shock. How could he have done that to her mother? Even if it was sixteen years ago. How could he have done THAT?
Amanda was furious with him. If it weren’t for the thick glass that would be between them, she’d have every inclination to punch him right in the face, and Amanda had never hit one soul in her entire life.
“Thanks again for coming with me,” Amanda sighed softly to Terra.
“No problem. I know you would have been miserable by yourself. Well, I’m sure you still are miserable, but at least you’re not by yourself.”
Terra was a lifesaver. There was no doubt about that. She and Amanda had grown as close as sisters over the last two months and it felt great.Sisters… what an ironic thought. To actually think, Amanda really did have a sister. She’d had one all this time and never even had a clue.
Bastard.
There were so many names she could think to call her father, some she hadn’t even known existed until now, but suddenly she was throwing every name in the book at him.
“I just can’t believe he did that to her,” Amanda huffed, gritting her teeth and fighting back the anger that welled up every time the thought of her father’s affair crept into her mind.
“Maybe he had his reasons, Manda. I mean, maybe things weren’t as great between them as you thought. You were only like ten at the time.”
“I think he’s just an asshole,” Amanda growled, shifting uncomfortably in her first class seat.
“Well, yeah…” Terra agreed, “but there’s no use getting all worked up about it now.”
“Terra, I can’t take care of some fifteen year old. I have no clue how to raise a teenager. Shoot, sometimes I think I’m still one myself.”
“You’re almost twenty-seven, Amanda. You’re definitely not a teenager.”
“How am I going to be able to concentrate on school when I’ve got some troubled fifteen year old living with me?”
“It’s either you or foster care. She is your sister, regardless of how she came about, she’s your sister.” Terra was always good at reminding Amanda the things she would rather forget. She understood that the girl had no where else to go, but that didn’t mean she was happy about it.
“Don’t you think it’s funny how the women in my father’s life didn’t seem to live as long as they should?” Amanda remarked, “I know that this woman was killed in some accident and not a disease like my mom, but don’t you think it’s weird? Maybe he’s killing them all off.”
“Your father did not give your mom cancer, Amanda.”
“I know, but it’s just weird.”
“It’s just one of those freak acts of nature. Maybe you and Samantha are just meant to have a relationship.”
Scowling, Amanda turned to her cousin with disgust. “I don’t think that’s it,” she said, “I think I’m just meant to be tortured.”
It was nearly an hour later when the airplane touched down and Terra and Amanda were on their way to the federal prison that held Jonathan Ballard. Luckily it would be a short visit. The two young women would be leaving again later that afternoon.
Amanda’s nerves had kicked in overtime as Terra chauffeured her in their rented car. Amanda didn’t want to see his face. She was angry with him and she wanted to stay that way. Deep down she was afraid that seeing him locked up might actually allow some sort of pity to form and that was the last thing she wanted to feel. Pity for the man who had put her through hell.
It was a short time later she found herself sitting in a booth waiting for his arrival on the other side. Amanda was scared to death and, now, she was alone. Terra waited patiently in the visitors lobby. This was something Amanda had to do by herself, regardless if she wanted to or not.
Finally, he sat down.
His hair was streaked with gray and cut shorter than she’d been used to. Instead of the bright orange jumpsuit she’d envisioned, he wore a blue button down shirt and a pair of blue denim jeans. A sight she’d never seen. Her father in a pair of blue jeans.
His face looked as if he’d aged ten years, even though he’d only been in there for four months. Inside Amanda did feel a bit of sadness for him, but she pushed it away assertively, sitting up straight, ready to face him and the reason she’d come.
Jonathan Ballard picked up the phone on his side of the booth and pointed to the one on the wall beside Amanda. Slowly she reached for it, nervous to hear the sound his voice.
“I’m sorry you had to come here,” he told her.
Amanda stared at the table, her eyes fixating on the edge where the gray countertop ended and the thick glass began. She couldn’t look him the eye. She just couldn’t. She also didn’t have one word to say. What could she say? So instead she bit her bottom lip and took in a deep breath.
“I know you’re upset with me for many things right now Amanda and you have every right to be, but if you don’t take care of Sam she’ll go to a foster home. I understand if you say no. I really do, but please, just this one more favor and I will never ask anything of you again.”
“Why?” Amanda asked, “why did you cheat on my mother?” The words had been difficult to push from her throat, but somehow she managed to shakily let them out.
He sighed deeply into the receiver and Amanda realized it was difficult for him to discuss, but she didn’t care. She wanted to know.
“Amanda, your mom and I were separated for a over a year. It was a choice we had made together. Your mom knew about Sam.”
“Why did you come back then? Why didn’t you stay with that other woman?” Amanda’s voice grew loud as her anger seeped out.
“Shhh,” her father told her, “you have to keep it down. Okay?”
Glancing behind her, Amanda realized there were security men all over the place and keeping their watch on her. Taking in another breath for confidence, she apologized for her loud tone of voice.
“It’s okay. I understand your feelings. You have every right to be angry.”
“So, why? Why did you come back?”
“Your mom and I loved each other very much. We were able to work out our differences and decided that our marriage was too important to let fall apart.”
“So if mom knew, how come I didn’t?”
“You were young Amanda. Do you think you would’ve understood that daddy had another daughter with somebody else?”
Amanda could feel the sting of tears taunting her eyes. She’d known this was going to be difficult, but she’d had no idea his words would hurt so badly. Pausing for a second, she held her palm out in front of her and bowed her head, trying her best to compose herself and push away the threat of tears.
“So why not later then? When I was old enough to understand?” she finally managed to ask.
She listened as her father took in another deep breath. “Because I was too afraid, I guess. I thought of telling you several times but never followed through.”
Never had Amanda’s father admitted to being afraid of anything. He had always been strong and confident. Never afraid. Fear was the last thing she saw when she looked at her father… before, but now, now she saw a man who didn’t look so sure.
The third time her cousin’s cell phone rang in the seat beside Terra, she decided to go ahead and answer it. Normally she wouldn’t do that, but she was pretty positive it was JC and glancing at the digital display, she realized that her intuition served her right. He was worried, which was perfectly understandable. He had wanted to be there, but every so often he had this little thing to do called work.
“Hello JC,” Terra answered indubitably.
“Is she out yet?” he asked.
“No, I’m sure she’ll call as soon as she finished,” Terra assured him.
“I’m just a little worried. You know? She’s not very good at confronting him.”
“I think she’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I know it’s tough being on the opposite end of the country, but she’ll be back tonight.”
“You’re not coming back?” he asked curiously.
“No, I’m coming back too. Not that it matters much to you.”
JC smirked. “It does matter. Amanda would be lost if it weren’t for you moving to Orlando.”
“Yeah, I know,” Terra smiled, she couldn’t argue that fact.
“Okay, well… I’m sorry to bother you. I won’t call again.”
“If you do I won’t answer,” Terra replied, her voice on the verge of a tease.
“Yeah, sorry,” he added.
“Bye JC,” Terra said with a smirk.
“Bye.”
Another ten minutes passed before Amanda finally did appear, looking frazzled and worn-out. Funny how thirty minutes with her father could do that. But as she stepped closer, Terra could see the pain in her cousin’s pale green eyes. Amanda was hurt and her feelings were completely justifiable.
Terra stood and greeted her cousin in the middle of the aisle of orange plastic chairs. “Come on Manda, let’s get out of here. This place is starting to give me creeps,” she whispered.
Amanda didn’t need to answer with words. She looked over at her cousin with weary eyes and silently agreed.
“JC called like three times,” Terra announced as they strode across the parking lot in search of their rental car.
“Oh, I better call him back.”
”Yes, you better. He’s going nuts.”
Amanda smiled giddily and pulled out her cell phone.
With near-disgust Terra rolled her eyes, she couldn’t even imagine being so gaga over someone, but it was obvious her cousin was head over heels. Terra doubted she’d ever feel so in love. It just seemed like it wasn’t in the cards.
She’d had her share of lovers. That was no big secret. But no one had ever stolen her heart or knocked her socks off. Terra had deemed herself romantically challenged. Whenever things seemed to get too cozy, she’d always back out. Why she had a fear of commitment? She had no clue, but it was a definite fear alright. There was no denial there.
It must have had something to do with control. She was a control freak and liked everything to go just how she planned it. With relationships, things didn’t always work out that way and it scared the crap out of her. She’d rather be single.
With a romp or two here and there. Just because she didn’t want to commit didn’t mean she didn’t want intimacy.
Amanda slapped her phone shut and tossed it back in her purse as Terra cautiously drove out of the parking lot. “All of these guards make me nervous,” Terra remarked.
“Me too. You should have seen what it was like on the inside.” Amanda replied.
Terra had to chuckle because, technically, Amanda was not even close to being on “the inside”. She’d only been visiting, but the way the words fell from her lips, she seemed so incredibly serious about it.
“How’d your dad look anyway?” Terra asked after a minute.
“Horrible. I think he’s aged like fifteen years.”
”Really? That much?”
“Okay, maybe only ten,” Amanda corrected.
“So when’s she coming?” Terra asked curiously.
Immediately Amanda’s grin faded. “Next week sometime.”
”Should I start looking for an apartment? I don’t want your house to be too crowded. I know it’s big and all, but three woman sharing one place could get ugly.”
“Terra, no! I can’t do this by myself. You can’t move out yet!” Amanda couldn’t have possibly sounded anymore desperate than she did at that very moment. The next few weeks were going to be stressful to say the least. Terra could see that already.
Crawling into bed beside JC, Amanda knew that it would be her last night of normalcy. Tomorrow things would be different. Tomorrow she would meet her sister.
“Tomorrow my whole life’s going to change,” she sighed, scooting as close to him as physically possible without laying on top of him.
“Sweetheart, I think it already has,” JC remarked as she comfortably settled against him, his arm folding over her back accordingly.
“Why can’t things ever be easy for us?”
Looking into her eyes, he rested one hand against her cheek. “As far as easy goes, I think we have it pretty good. Well, except for my grueling work schedule and lack of privacy, but other than that, I don’t think we have too much to complain about.”
His smile was enough to make her melt. In five months, that hadn’t changed one bit. It was also very contagious, as she suddenly found herself grinning as well. “Okay, let me rephrase. Why can’t things ever be easy for me?” Amanda took in a breath and smirked, “I know that sounds really selfish, but sometimes I feel like I just get all this bad luck all the time.”
“I’m sorry you’re going through all this, but who knows, maybe it will turn out for the better.”
“Maybe,” she sighed, resting her head against his chest.
Tenderly JC ran a hand through her hair. “Maybe you two will become really close and you’ll be thankful that she’s a part of your life.”
“Maybe.”
“Just try looking at the bright side. Remember, everything happens for a reason. I’m sure there’s a good one behind all this.”
“I guess.”
“I love you, if that helps any?” Amanda didn’t have to look at him to see the smile across his lips, she could hear it in his voice. Actually, it helped a lot. She didn’t know what she’d do without him.
“You know what really bothers me?” Amanda asked, sitting up and crossing her legs Indian style beside him.
“What?” he asked, resting comfortably against the headboard with the blankets pulled just to his lap and his bare chest staring her straight in the face. Even now, it was an image that made her weak all over, but at that moment she was too concerned with letting off the steam that so desperately needed to be released.
“He didn’t even ask how I was doing. He didn’t ask about the move. He didn’t ask about me leaving the hotel. He didn’t ask about you. Nothing.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
“Obviously he’s more concerned about Samantha than he is me.” So much resentment had been released in her tone, Amanda realized instantly why she’d been so upset. The feelings had been there, but she hadn’t been sure why until that very moment.
“Baby, that’s not true. I’m sure your father cares about you very much.” Gently JC reached for her hand and held on to it supportively.
“I know that was a stupid thing to say. It just makes me wonder. You know? And it’s not like I want him to care anyway. He’s a horrible, horrible man. Just look at all he did. It’s not like I want him to be a part of my life.”
“Yes, you do.”
Maybe he was right, but it wasn’t something she was ready to admit. Maybe it wasn’t that she wanted him to be there, she just wanted to know that he’d actually cared all of those years because right now she was beginning to wonder.
“No, I don’t,” she answered sternly. “Not after everything he’s done and all the crap he’s put me through.”
“He’s still your father.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have to like him.”
“But you still have feelings, Amanda. Those don’t go away.”
“Maybe I just want to know that he cares about me. Maybe I just want him to feel bad for everything he’s put me through. And honestly JC, I don’t think he cares one bit. You know what he said to me? He said, do this one last favor and then I’ll never ask you for anything again. What kind of dad says that to their daughter? He talks to me more like a business associate than a daughter.”
“Maybe he’s just not good at expressing himself,” JC reasoned.
She hated it when he was right.
“Well, yeah, of course,” Amanda agreed as she climbed off the bed, aimlessly pacing across the hardwood floor, “when it comes to me, anyway. He’s great expressing himself with his business partners or whoever. But me – his only daughter, well, I thought I was his only daughter – no. He’s terrible.”
Amanda stopped, her arms crossed over her chest and her foot tapping with aggravation as JC crawled off the bed and stepped towards her. “Relax,” he said softly, placing a hand on each of her arms.
But she was too agitated to relax. Tomorrow was D-day and she was nervous as hell.
“It’s gonna be alright,” he assured her quietly.
“I’m just not sure if I can do this. I don’t know how to take care of a fifteen year old girl. Huh, a fifteen year old girl that’s troubled and upset because she just lost her mother and who has been living with her sixty-five year old grandma for the past two weeks. JC, I can’t do this.”
“Sweetheart, yes you can.” Supportively JC wrapped his arms around her, embracing her tightly.
“I’ve never taken care of anything. Not even a dog,” Amanda sighed, taking in the warmth of his body against her own and trying her best to calm down.
She felt his smirk and realize that she must’ve sounded pretty pathetic. “Should I hire you a nanny?” he asked.
Amanda pulled back enough to catch the quirky grin across his face. “She’s fifteen, I don’t think she needs a nanny.”
“Then quit worrying about it. Everything will be fine. Trust me, it will.”
Amanda could only hope he was right. Unfortunately she didn’t have the same faith as JC. She knew things were bound to get worse before they’d get better. They always did.
When the doorbell rang at eleven thirty the next morning, Amanda’s heart immediately leapt into her throat. Was Samantha early? She and Terra weren’t due until noon, but it could have been possible they were early. Although, Terra wouldn’t have been ringing the doorbell…
Still, Amanda’s nerves kicked into overdrive.
Speeding to the front door in a hurry, she nearly fell as she slid across the front entry way in her white socks. She hadn’t managed to put on her shoes yet. She’d already changed her outfit three times trying to fit in with whatever would look normal to a teenage girl. Finally she’d decided on just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
Grabbing on to the door handle and regaining her footing after her near accident, Amanda stretched to get a glimpse out of the peep hole and realized that her guest was only Lance. There was no need for any excitement.
“Lance,” Amanda huffed as she threw open the door, “what a surprise.”
“You okay, Manda? It sounded like you fell.”
Standing aside to let him in, Amanda grinned bashfully. “I’m fine. The floor was just cleaned and it’s a little slippery.”
It was obvious that Lance was trying to conceal his amusement. He held out a copy of his movie on DVD and said, “I just stopped by to give you this. It’s an advance copy.”
“Thanks,” Amanda smiled.
“You said you wanted it. Plus, I – well, I just wanted to tell you good luck.”
“I guess you heard about everything that’s going on, huh?” she asked.
“Yeah, JC told us. Just let me know if you need anything. You know my house is just around the corner.”
“I know, thanks Lance.”
“No problem. Well, I’ve gotta get going. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay, thanks again.”
With Lance gone, Amanda was free to continue with her stress. She was practically biting fingernails waiting for her sister’s arrival. She knew she should have just picked her up herself, but Terra had insisted. As frantic as Amanda had been over the past few days, and especially that morning, she might have caused an accident if she were to actually get behind a steering wheel. It was a good thing Terra had went instead of her. Besides, this way there would be a mediator between them because Amanda had a good feeling that their meeting could get a little ugly. If Samantha was feeling anything at all that Amanda was, she wouldn’t exactly be excited about her new home. Amanda could only imagine.
Honestly, she did feel some sympathy for the girl. If anything, they were both going through some very similar times. Both had lost their mothers, although Amanda was well recovered and Samantha had just barely begun the healing process, and both had a jerk for a father who’d be spending the next seven years in prison.
The man just disgusted her. Amanda hated to even think of that fact.
But, Amanda decided, she was going to try her best to be nice to Samantha. She had to. If she didn’t, things were going to get pretty messy. Amanda had made up her mind to accept her sister and do her best to welcome her into her home.
© BrandyRae 2002
