Chapter 4 – Insecurities

Adeline opened the door and stepped into the nearly-empty coffee shop that Melissa had suggested to her a few days before. She pulled the earbuds of Lance's iPod out of her ears as she stepped up to the counter and ordered a decaf coffee from the girl at the counter. Once she paid and the girl had handed her the coffee, she put a single bud back in her ear and pulled her laptop bag over to an empty table in the far corner of the room.

It was one of the first opportunities in a week that she had a chance to sit down and enjoy some quiet time since she had returned to New York. There were still a lot of unpacked boxes that took over their apartment, because she had found herself a lot more tired lately. Lance had kept her busy now that his career had picked back up, with the start of his radio show.

She had explored the idea of radio hosting for him while they were living in Los Angeles, after being approached by a Sirius executive about him. After an audition and a trial run with a once-a-week spot, they had loved him so much that they had given him his own two-hour, five-day-a-week spot on XM radio; out of that, Dirty Pop was born and she had never seen him so happy doing what he was doing.

Between his usual non-radio appearances, plus the daily show and the special appearances that came with it, traveling between Los Angeles and New York briefly plus whatever other cities he was expected to be in – not to mention wedding planning, whenever she could fit it in – she was exhausted. Too exhausted to do much unpacking on a daily basis, in fact. Boxes had taken over their apartment and it made it hard to focus on work in front of her. So today, she had come here to have a cup or two of coffee, listen to music, and hopefully get some actual work done before she went home to the chaos.

She had barely gotten her laptop unpacked from her bag and turned it on when she looked up at the big window in front of the store and saw a woman standing in front of it, staring in her general direction. Hidden behind sunglasses and short brunette hair, she could see her clearly through the clean window but she couldn't make out distinguishing features – but the profile looked eerily familiar.

Is that Mackenzie? she thought to herself as she looked at the woman. The brunette hair threw her, but the cheekbones and body figure – or what she could see of it, under the heavy double-breasted coat – looked like the woman that she only vaguely knew.

In an instant, it seemed that the woman standing outside the shop connected eyes with Addy behind the glasses and she immediately turned to walk away from the window.

That was weird, Addy thought to herself as she turned back towards her computer, brushing off the incident.

After a few minutes, she had gotten into a rhythm of answering her emails and looking up reviews of cake shops in town when she saw a pair of black pumps step up to her, along with the slim, tan legs that wore them.

“Excuse me?”

She heard the voice and looked up from her laptop. Standing next to her was the same woman she had seen outside the coffee shop – or so she thought, except this one had blonde hair and she knew for sure it was Mackenzie.

“Are you Adeline?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Addy said, feeling a nervousness overtake her that she hadn't felt in a while.

The woman smiled and held out her hand.

“I'm Mackenzie – Mackenzie Montgomery.”

Addy was so shocked she couldn't form words. She was sure after the woman outside disappeared that she had seen her wrong, and it was only someone who had recognized her, since she got that a lot more lately than she was used to.

“Are you okay?” Mackenzie asked, still holding out her hand.

“Yeah,” Adeline answered, shaking off her shock and grabbing the outstretched hand to gently shake it. “Sorry, I was surprised.”

“You mean, you didn't expect to run into Lance's twice-ex-fiancee today?” Mackenzie said with a grin.

“Mackenzie, I'm so--”

“Sorry?” she asked, still grinning. “Honey, please, water under the bridge. I'm not here to start trouble or anything.” She adjusted her messenger bag on her shoulder. “Adeline, may I sit down? I'd like to have a chat with you.”

“Uh...sure,” Addy responded uncertainly.

As Mackenzie sat down in the chair across from her, Adeline scooted her laptop over on the table, making sure to adjust the screen so Mackenzie wouldn't see the bridal tabs she had open on her browser.

“Is he keeping you busy?” Mackenzie asked, pointing at the laptop as she shrugged her bag and coat off her shoulders.

“A little,” Addy responded, still unsure of her visitor's motives. “Nothing I can't handle. I was checking some emails and...stuff.”

“And wedding planning, right?”

“Yeah,” Adeline whispered after a surprised pause. She knew she shouldn't have confirmed it, but her mouth spoke before her brain could stop her. “No one knows about that yet. How do you know?”

“You know those old Looney Tunes cartoons where they leave a cloud of dust behind them as they run?” Mackenzie asked. “That's about how fast Lance hightailed it out of this city.”

To her own surprise, Addy chuckled.

“I can only assume that he left that quickly to run to you, and for good reason.”

“I want to say that I'm sorry,” Adeline quickly interjected. “I had no idea that he would run out on you so suddenly. If I had known...”

“Like I said, water under the bridge,” Mackenzie said. “To tell you the truth, I think I deserved it. A little karmic balance, since I left him in much the same way. Now I know how it feels.”

Addy tapped her pen against her palm nervously. She didn't know what to say. Not only was this woman basically a stranger to her, and the woman who had stolen Lance away from her once – but she and Lance had never talked about the circumstances of his first engagement to Mackenzie. She had never brought it up figuring it was a sore subject, and he had never volunteered information past what she already knew – that Mackenzie had walked out on him a month before the wedding and taken off to Germany.

“Can I ask you a personal question, Addy?” Mackenzie said after she stayed silent.

“Sure,” she responded.

“It's probably none of my business, but...are you happy?”

Her unexpected guest had taken her by surprise, and Addy was sure she could see it in her face.

“Oh, I didn't mean...I mean...I'm not here to like, take him from you...again...or anything,” Mackenzie stuttered. “I really shouldn't have asked, like I said, it's none of my business. I just...want to know, you know?”

“Yeah,” Addy said, then shut her eyes tightly. “I mean yeah, we're happy, not yeah, it's none of your business. Sorry, this is...well, to be honest, uncomfortable.”

“Yeah,” Mackenzie said with a chuckle. “Yeah, I know what you mean. If I'm uncomfortable, I can't imagine how uncomfortable you are right now.”

“The highest level I can say I have been in about six months,” she said. Her doctor had put her on a new medication somewhere in the middle of the divorce due to higher stress levels. It had been working well, but medication couldn't fix everything – especially a situation like this.

“Then I'll get to my point,” Mackenzie said. “I came here to ask you if you were happy because I'm worried about him.”

“Why are you worried about him?” Adeline asked, suddenly not knowing whether she should feel defensive or not.

“Lance seems a little lost,” Mackenzie said. “It feels like he doesn't know what he wants out of his life.”

“What do you mean?”

“He's had three failed engagements already. This last time...I don't think he was even interested in getting married. I think he settled because he couldn't have you and being with me was a step above being alone.”

“I'm sorry you feel that way,” Addy said.

“To tell you the truth, it doesn't bother me,” Mackenzie responded. “I don't think I wanted to get married either, when it came down to it. It did hurt, but I moved on quickly. What bothers me is the fact that Lance seems to be bouncing back and forth, like he can't decide either.”

“You think...” Adeline started, feeling her breath hitch. “You think he doesn't want to get married?”

“I don't think he knows what he wants,” Mackenzie said. “My concern isn't only for him – it's for you too, Addy. I don't want him to end up breaking your heart again, after you've been through so much.”

Adeline found herself speechless.

“I'm sorry,” Mackenzie finally said, gathering her bag and coat. “I shouldn't have talked to you. I feel bad now, because it's none of my business – but I care about both of you. I'd hate to see the two of you destroyed over something that could be stopped before it started. I'm sorry, Addy.”

Before Addy could say anything, she had stood up and threw her bag over her shoulder, stretching out her hand.

“I hope we can be friends, despite me sticking my nose where it doesn't belong anymore,” she said.

Her head swimming with confusion, Addy could only grab Mackenzie's hand to shake it again.

“Of course,” she said.

“It was good to meet you, Addy. Maybe I'll run into you again later.”

Without another word, she had walked away from the table and was out the door before Addy could take one breath.

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“I swear, it was Mackenzie.”

Lance rolled his eyes.

“Are you sure it wasn't someone who looked like her?” he asked, pulling out the drawer to remove two forks along with the two plates he already had in his hand.

“Yeah, I'm pretty sure, considering she introduced herself as Mackenzie Montgomery and the entire conversation was about you,” she said, standing at the stove to stir the sauce. “How many different Mackenzie Montgomerys have you dated in your life?”

“Fine, smartass,” he said, throwing his arms up before setting the plates and forks down at the table. “So it was Mackenzie. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. She probably wants to make amends, be friends.”

“Yeah, because I'd be so interested in being friends with your ex-fiancee that stole you from me, right?” she said sarcastically.

“She was mending a bridge, Addy,” Lance said. “That's it. Nothing more to read into it.”

“Mending? More like burning. She shows up conveniently – again – and wants to talk to me personally about you, telling me that she's worried you're only getting married because you don't want to be alone? She has motives, Lance.”

“Motives?” he said with a chuckle. “She's one of the most unassuming people I've ever known, second only to you. I don't think she has an evil bone in her body.”

Adeline shrieked loudly. “Ha! You're blind.”

“And you're jealous,” he said.

“You're defending her.”

She stopped stirring and set the spoon down next to the pot, turning toward him. He had his back to her, still setting the table for dinner, and he remained silent. Suddenly, her heart dropped.

“Is she right?” she asked.

“What?” he said, turning to her as he put the last plate down on the table.

“You don't want to get married, do you?” she asked.

“What?” he exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

“Are you?” she challenged. “Your ex comes into town to talk to me about you and your insecurities, and instead of taking my side, you defend her.”

“And suddenly, that means I don't want to marry you...how?” he asked.

“Simple logic,” she said as she dumped the pot of sauce into the already cooked noodles.

“Whose logic? Chris's back-ass-wards logic that tells him flying down a ramp on a scooter with a broken hand brake is a good idea?” he asked. “And insecurities – maybe you have insecurities.”

“Ohhhhh,” she said, drawing out the word. “I have insecurities? Let's talk about my insecurities. The only insecurities that I have are you deciding five years from now that you made the biggest mistake of your life by marrying me.”

“Is that what you think?” he asked.

“I just went through a year-long divorce from a man who was supposed to love me,” she said. “He cheated, he lied, he took everything away from me...and he blames it all on me.”

He sighed. They had been arguing about this for at least twenty minutes, but she had been in a mood all day. He knew she was tired and overloaded, because he felt that way too, between the move and all the new things they had going on in their lives.

“And I uprooted my entire life on a whim to move to Los Angeles and live with you through the whole divorce,” he said, keeping his tone of voice lower than yelling. “He didn't do that – I did. I stood by you while you went through the entire thing, because I wanted to. I've put everything into this relationship because I love you, Addy. I've more than committed myself to you. Now you want to stand here and accuse me of having insecurities about marrying you?”

“So you can tell me that no part of you – not even a little part of you – has cold feet?” she asked.

“My feet are toasty warm with a capital TW,” he said with a smile. “My feet couldn't be warmer if I was wearing wool socks. I'm absolutely, one-hundred percent positive that I want to marry you.”

He could tell that despite his best efforts to convince her and cool off the argument, she still had doubts about him. Her body language said she was nervous, leaning her back side against the counter and rubbing her temple with her fingers.

“I don't know what Mackenzie's reasons are for saying that she doesn't think I want to marry you, but she has no idea what she's talking about. She's sure not hearing that from me,” he said. He started walking toward her. “I haven't talked to her since I left New York over a year ago and I don't intend to. I don't intend to go back to her either, no matter what she tries this time.”

He took her waist in his arms, being careful to avoid both of them touching the hot stove.

“I love you,” he said, kissing her cheek. “I haven't had the best of luck with engagements but I know what I want now, and it's you. Only you. I will never have with anyone else what I have with you. Is that enough convincing for you?”

When she looked up at him, he could tell she still had something on her mind. Even so, she softened.

“I'm sorry,” she said. “I'm so tired. I guess it's making me moody.”

“Leave this,” he said, flipping the burner knob on the stove into the off position. “I'll run to the store and pick up some wine, and I'll take care of the rest of it when I come back. You go relax. Take a bath or something, and then we'll have a nice dinner, okay?”

She vaguely nodded, and he squeezed her arm before letting her go and walking over to the counter, grabbing his keys in a quick movement.

“I'll be back in about half an hour,” he said as he started walking out of the kitchen. “I expect to find you zenned out in the tub when I get back, Addy.”

She stood around a few minutes after he walked out of the apartment, trying to take deep breaths to relax herself. She covered the pot of food with a lid and made sure that all the knobs on the stove were turned off before she walked out of the kitchen. She stopped at the linen closet and grabbed a towel out of it, then grabbed an alligator clip out of their bedroom and threw her blonde hair up lazily before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

She stripped down her clothes, threw the towel around herself, and sat on the edge of the tub while the hot water filled. She threw in some scented bath salts before throwing the towel to the floor and stepping into the half-filled tub.

It only took a few more minutes for the bath to fill up to her chest and she started to relax. As she let the heat soothe muscles that she didn't even know were stressed, she thought about the day she'd had. It was strange, to say the least. She never thought that she would see Mackenzie again unless it was in a magazine, and she never could have guessed that Mackenzie would approach her instead of Lance.

He was wrong; she wasn't jealous. At least, she didn't think she was. If she had any trust in Mackenzie whatsoever, she would have no problems with him remaining friends with her. She knew plenty of his ex-girlfriends. She had met his ex-girlfriend Danielle while they lived in LA and had no insecurities about that. She adored his old co-star Emanuelle, and he even talked to Lisette once since the first time the two women had rather uncomfortably met – although it was possible those weren't the two best examples, considering there was little romantic history there.

But he had mixed histories with plenty of women that she had already met, and she felt no jealousy against any of them. Mackenzie was...different. The history between them was not in Addy's favor, and the woman had already proven to Addy that she still had feelings for Lance. She also knew that Mackenzie had no issues trying anything she could to take him away from Addy. It wasn't necessarily that she couldn't trust Lance; but she definitely couldn't put any trust into Mackenzie.

She tried to convince herself that when Mackenzie said she wasn't trying to “take” him away from her this time, she meant it – but even in a more relaxed state, she couldn't bring herself to let her guard down completely. No matter what he said, she knew that Mackenzie wasn't innocent – no matter how much she tried to portray herself as such.

She had been in the tub for about twenty minutes and started to feel herself nod off to sleep when she was startled by the loud sound of the door slamming in the apartment.

“Lance?” she yelled.

When she got no response, she leaned up in the tub, disturbing the still water and sloshing it up the side of the tub.

“Lance, is that you?” she yelled again.

She waited a few more seconds, but again got no response.

“Probably forgot his wallet again,” she said to herself, groaning as she lifted herself out of the tub and grabbed her towel. “Pain in the ass expects me to relax, then goes around slamming doors.”

She used the towel to pat herself somewhat dry, then wrapped it around her naked body before stepping out of the bathroom. Cool air hit her bare skin the minute she opened the door, causing goosebumps to rise up on her arms and legs. She walked quickly down the small length of the hallway, hoping she could find him quickly and go back to the warm comfort of the bath.

“Lance, did you forget something?” she said as she stepped into the living room.

She was surprised to find it completely empty, exactly how she had left it when she went into the bathroom. She walked over to the small table in the living room where he almost always kept his keys and wallet; both items were gone, and the mail that he had brought in earlier undisturbed.

She narrowed her eyes and turned to walk into the kitchen, wondering what he could have forgotten in there that he would have to come back to get. She was shocked when she found that the kitchen was also empty; the light still turned on, the lid still on the pot, the table still set.

“What the hell?” she said to herself.

She turned to exit the kitchen and get ready to check the only other place she could think he would be, the bedroom, when she noticed something on the counter where he had grabbed his keys before he left – a single pink rose.

She walked curiously towards the counter and picked it up, noticing that laying under it was a small white card, about the size of an index card. She moved the rose over to the side and picked up the card, turning it over.

“Sorry for all I've put you through,” she read from it. “I'll never stop loving you and I can't wait for us to be together again.”

She furrowed her eyebrows as she sat the card back down next to the rose.

“Again? You left twenty minutes ago, dork,” she said to thin air.

Still, she felt herself smiling as she shook her head and started walking back to the bathroom to finish her bath.

“Cute, Lance,” she said. “A little creepy – but cute.”