“So everything is all set up, K,” Siobhan squeals excitedly into the phone. “All we have to do is go pick out the furniture and whatever else we want for the apartment. Daddy gave me his card, so don’t bother asking your parents for theirs.”

I heave another suitcase into the trunk of my car. “Sio, I’m not letting you pay for my stuff. My parents aren’t dirt poor. They can afford to pay for some of this, my father even said…ask Siobhan how much she wants.”

“Kerri!,” she yells. “My father is on his ‘I’m sorry for marrying a twenty two year old’ kick. Please let me use his stupidity to my advantage…just this once okay? I swear, I’ll never ask you for anything else for the rest of my existence.”

Aside from his monstrosity of a house in the Hamptons, Siobhan’s father also owns a penthouse apartment in the middle of Manhattan. He just bought a huge house in Westchester County though, so he really doesn’t have a use for it at the moment. That’s why he told Siobhan she and I could live there for our last semester. I’ve been there a couple of times, once for Siobhan’s brother’s engagement party, and a second time for a new years eve bash. It’s really big, like one of those places you see on Mtv Cribs. It reminds me of a place Justin would live in, and I think it’s one of the main reasons I told Siobhan I didn’t want to live there when she first brought the idea up to me. I haven’t spoken to him since that day he freaked out and pushed me, and I don’t think I ever want to again. It’s been a hard struggle for me…trying to move past all of this.

Those first couple of weeks after the kidnapping, I didn’t think I was that fucked up. I was playing with Mary and talking to my friends on the phone, like nothing had gone wrong at all. As the days passed though, I was finding more and more how unstable I really was. I wasn’t sleeping well. My dreams were plagued with the horrible memories of the kidnapping. I started to sleep with the light on, and it helped for a little while, but my body soon grew accustomed to the light, and then the dreams started again. They always started out the same way. It was always three am on a Saturday morning, and I wouldn‘t be able to sleep because of Siobhan and her boyfriend. I would call Justin, and then I would go out to see him. What happened after I set foot out of the dorms was always different. Sometimes I would find myself in that basement again, but more often than anything else I would find myself laying on the cold ground, all tied up. Shane would be digging his ditch, and I would wait for Justin to come. But he wouldn’t come…and Shane, he would start saying all this crazy shit. I remember one night in particular was worse than the rest. Shane got right up in my face, and started telling me what he did to Justin in graphic detail. It was gross, disgusting. I woke up screaming. That was when I knew I couldn’t handle everything on my own anymore.

I realized that I needed to talk to somebody, but the only person I could think of was Trace and he was the last person I wanted to call. I hadn’t talked to him since the day I slammed my door in his face, but I knew nobody else would understand why I was so scared. No, he wasn’t in that god awful place with us, but he was still on the other end of the phone line. He still had to talk to Shane, and find out how much of a scumbag the bastard was. So I called him at four o’clock in the morning, crying my eyes out and begging him to forgive me for not speaking to him for so long.

I never thought he could get to my house so fast.

We talked for what seemed like years. He told me that he never meant to pressure me like he did. He admitted that his mind had been in another place then…that he hadn’t known how to take in everything that happened. He said Justin hadn’t made things easy for him at all. He told me that Justin was very closed off toward him, that he only wanted to focus on the future and not remember the past at all. I told him what happened between Justin and I that day on my porch too, and that I thought I knew what was wrong with him…but that I wasn’t sure if it was okay for me talk about it with anybody. Trace wasn’t as hurt by that as I thought he would be. He told me that he was trying to understand why I couldn‘t, and that he knew Justin was going through something that nobody should have to go through. Then he told me that if I felt I had to tell somebody, that I had no other choice…that I should tell himself or Lynn. I agreed with him…and then he hugged me. It felt good, and it was that moment that I felt part of me come back to life. Since that night, my friendship with Trace has pretty much gotten back on track. I find that I can talk to him again, that he’s starting to turn back into the same laid back guy I’ve always known. He never pressures me about the kidnapping anymore, and I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful to have my friend back.

“I feel like a freeloader,” I tell Siobhan. “I can’t spend your father’s money like that. It‘s just wrong.”

“Look,” she groans. “If you feel that badly about it, you can buy the kegs for new years, okay?”

I giggle. “You’re not going to let me help you pay for this are you?”

“No,” she says, and I can hear her smile. “I like to spend my father’s pity money. Especially when it’s slutty twenty two year old pity money.”

I laugh out loud. “How does your mother feel about this, anyway?”

“Oh she doesn’t care…you know her. She’s still milking as much alimony out of my father as she can. Damn, K…and you tell me your family has problems? I feel like I’m living inside Days of Our Lives or something.”

“I guess we’ll just have to escape from everybody with a few beers and a few hot frat boys then?,” I suggest.

“I love how your mind works,” she cackles. “Listen, I gotta go though…Scott is in the other room and he wants to well…you know.”

“You’re a slut,” I giggle.

“What can I say? I’m my father’s daughter,“ she laughs. “Call me when you land though, okay? Oh…and try not to talk to Justin if you run into him. Tell him you’re too good for his superstar ego, and walk away from the situation.”

I don’t laugh. “Can we not mention his name, Sio?”

“You need to get over this boy,” she tells me.

I roll my eyes. “Good bye Sio.”

“Because you know…”

“Goodbye Sio!” I grunt.

“Okay okay. I love you too…call me.”

“Bye.” I hang up and let out a long sigh. I hope when I get to the city, Siobhan will be too caught up in getting the apartment together to worry about Justin and our recent falling out. I’m praying that’s the case…

“These are the last.”

I turn around and smile at Trace as he drags the last of my suitcases down the steps. “Thanks,” I say, shoving my cell phone back into my purse.

He loads the suitcases into my trunk, shoving me out of the way when I try to help him. “Now you’re sure you don’t want me to get you a limo?,” he asks. “I’m telling you girl, it’ll be a lot easier that way.”

I push the trunk closed, and flash him a small smile. “Trace, when have you known me to need that kind of treatment all the time? I’m not Justin, okay? I can drive my own car, and carry my own bags.”

He shrugs. “I just want you to be okay,” he whispers. “You deserve the best Ker.”

I look into his eyes. He’s going to miss me, probably more than I’ll ever know. When I told him I was leaving for school, he asked me to stay a little longer. I said no of course, even though I knew I could. School doesn’t start for another three weeks. I guess staying would have its benefits. I would get to spend a little more time with Mary, and I wouldn’t have the constant hustle and bustle of New York City to stress me out. But then at the same time, I think the chaos of the city will do me good. I’ll have so much on my mind, and so much to do, that I’ll be able to get my mind off of Shane, off of Nathan…and off of Justin too. I know it’s the only reason I’m going. I guess I’m running away from my problems…but right now, I think getting away from everybody is the only way I can start to put this behind me. “I’ll miss you too,” I tell him, trying to hide my tears. I find that I can’t though, and a moment later I feel a few of them glide down my face, and I brush them away.

He wraps me up in a warm hug. “Do you hafta go?” he whispers.

I laugh softly, and lean my head on his chest. “I do.”

“You call me the first time you have a problem…with anything.” He pulls away from me and gently rubs his hands up and down my shoulders. “Promise me, okay?”

“I promise,” I say, with a shaky voice. We hug again, until I make myself pull away from him. If I continue to stand here and hold him like this, I’ll never want to let go. Then I’ll miss my flight, and damn…Siobhan will be so pissed off.

“J and I should be in New York at the beginning of October, for the VMA’s. I’ll send you and Siobhan some passes and we can meet up okay?”

“Oh Trace I…I don’t know,” I say. “Justin…Justin will…”

“Screw him,” he whispers. “This is about me and you. He’ll just have to deal with it okay? Besides Justin, you‘re the best friend I have. I want to see you, and I will.”

I nod. “Okay, Trace.” I can say yes to him now but I know when the time comes I still won’t be ready to face Justin again, and I’ll probably make up some excuse as to why I can’t go to the awards. Trace will be upset of course, but I’ll find a way to see him outside of whatever stupid after parties Justin will drag him to. There’s always a way…

Trace opens my drivers side door. “You’re sure I can‘t call you a cab at least?”

I sigh. “Trace, please. I told you…I’m driving myself to the airport, and my father is going to bring my car back tonight. There’s no sense in paying for something I have no need for.”

“I know, I know,“ he chuckles. “I need to chillax, right?”

I laugh. I haven’t heard him use that term since we were teenagers. “You really do, Trace.”

He forces a smile. “Go on.” He motions for me to get in the car “Before I try to stop you again.”

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I pull him into a hug one last time, squeezing him extra hard to get my point across. “Take care of Justin,” I whisper in his ear. “He needs somebody to be there for him, and you’re the only one that’s going to be able to understand what’s going on with him right now.”

“You should call him,” he tells me. “He didn’t mean to do what he did. I think he needs you more than anybody else, Kerri. He‘s just too fucked up to admit it to himself.”

I nod, and pull away from him. “Just do what I asked you, okay?”

He doesn’t smile. He knows I’m not going to call Justin. “Of course I will.”

I get into the car, and he shuts the door for me. “Bye,” I say to him, as I turn the key in the ignition. I feel the tears running down my face again. Damn it. I don’t want to cry right now. I’m moving forward…I’m moving past this horrible tragedy. Well, at least I’m trying to.

“Call me when your flight gets in!” he calls, as I start to back out of the driveway. “Or hell girl, use the air phone! I’ll pay for it!”

I laugh at him, and give him one last wave, hoping it‘s enough to convince him I‘m going to call him when I can. I finish pulling out and beep a few times before I start down the road. I can still see Trace in my rearview mirror. He waves one last time, and then runs his hands through his hair as he watches me get further away. He’s worried about me…he’s not convinced that I can go back to New York and forget all about my problems. He’s probably right too, but hell, it’s worth a try isn’t it?

I’m a little bit past Justin’s house now. It was painful driving past there. I could see Lynn in the front of the house, watering the flowers that are planted below the big front window. I probably should have stopped and said goodbye, but it would have been too painful…and I’m sure Justin is near bye. Surprisingly enough, he hasn’t gone home yet. He, Trace, and Cameron have been milling around here for a month now. I didn’t think Justin was able to stay in one place for so long. But given the situation, I guess anything is possible.

My cell phone starts to ring, and I groan a little bit. I’m almost positive it’s my mother, calling to make sure I packed my mace and that book about self defense she bought me a few days ago. I don’t answer because of this. I’m tired of her rambling. I’m tired of hearing how the world is such a dangerous place. I know that it is. I lived through hell. Why can’t she understand that, and stop reminding me about it all the time? The ringing stops suddenly, and I hold my breath as I turn the corner, praying that it won’t start again.

But then it does.

I slow down and pull over. I guess I have no choice but to answer, but I’m going to need to make this fast if I want to get to the airport on time. I flip my phone open and grunt a miserable “Yeah?”, not bothering to check the ID first.

“Why are you leaving?”

It’s not my mother. But I don’t feel foolish. The person on the other end of the line deserves the same tone I just provided. “What do you want Justin?” I don’t’ care about his fucking feelings right now. It took him a fucking month to call me up like this? That’s ridiculous. You don’t just…do that…

Just like you don’t have sex with somebody, and cut them off for three years.

“I just…” he starts to say. “Trace told me you were going back to New York so…”

“So you wanted to call me and pretend that you aren’t an asshole right?” I snap at him. I turn the key in the ignition and start driving down the road again. “God Justin, I have a flight to catch. I don’t need you making me late right now.”

“I don’t know what else to do.” His voice is weak, and I cringe a little bit. I know he’s beyond messed up, which he’s trying to tell me in his own way. “I feel horrible about the way I treated you. I was just so confused….”

He continues to ramble on about his feelings, but I can barely comprehend what he’s saying to me. He’s talking too softly, and I’m too busy concentrating on the road, and the guy that’s tailgating me. “What?” I ask him, as I change lanes. “Sorry…I couldn’t hear you.”

He’s silent for a moment. “You couldn’t hear me?”

“No.”

“Oh…” his voice trails off. “Well all I said was, maybe we can get together sometime.”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I mean, you saw what happened the last time…and it took me a while to get over that Justin. Hell, I think I‘m still trying to get over it. I think it would be best if we just…spent some time apart.”

“We spent three years apart, Kerri,” he points out.

“Right,” I say. “And it obviously wasn‘t enough time, because we still can‘t get along.”

“Look,” he whimpers. “It was my fault. The whole thing was my fault. Please don’t hate me…I’m going to try harder, I promise.”

I stop for a red light and lean my head against the steering wheel. “Please don’t start blaming yourself,” I tell him. “It’s only going to make things worse than they are. Just…go and talk to Trace. I want you to tell him everything while I’m away okay? And then maybe…god, maybe sometime next year I’ll be able to see you. But it can’t be now alright? It just can’t be.”

“I don’t want to talk to fucking Trace,” he grunts. “Trace wasn’t there.”

I hear a car blare its horn from behind me, and I snap to attention. The light is green now, and I’m sure it’s been that way for far too long. I step on the gas, and sigh heavily into the phone. “I told you I don’t have time for this,” I repeat. “Justin, do me a favor, hell, do yourself a favor and listen to me. Talk to Trace, talk to your mother…and I’ll see you around.”

“But Kerri…”

“I gotta go.” I bite my bottom lip and snap my phone shut, as much as it kills me to do so. Part of me listens for the phone to ring again, but it doesn’t. I start to worry a little bit. I hope he’s not alone. If he is, I don’t know what he’ll do. He might flip out…hurt somebody, or himself. I’m tempted to stop and head back home. But I know if I do that, I’ll never get out of Tennessee. I have a choice, I realize. I can either run back to Justin, and let him have his way. Or I can keep going, and catch my flight to New York, where I can start over again. Yeah, I’ll be able to start all over again in New York. Justin won’t be there. My mother won’t be there. I can be me again…I can get my life back.

I recognize the song immediately, and I quickly snap off the radio. Dammit, what are the odds of that happening? They never play Gone on the radio anymore. It’s like some sick joke that God is playing on me. He’s mocking me. He’s trying to tell me that I’m going to let Justin have his way. Well you know what? I’m not going to do it…I’m not going to give in. “Do you hear me!” I yell. “I’m not going back there! I don‘t care what happened to him. I deserve a fucking life too!”

My hands grip the steering wheel tighter, and I clench my teeth in frustration. As my tension grows, I apply more force on the accelerator. Soon I’m speeding…flying down the highway. I’m not even paying attention to the speedometer, but I have a gut feeling that I’m going way, way past the legal speed limit. Cars blare their horns at me, telling me to slow down, but I don’t care what they think. They don’t’ know me. They don’t know what I’m going through. If they did, I’m sure they would all slow down, and let me pass them without putting up a fight.

I don’t even see the sharp curve up ahead. Then I skid, and I start to lose control of the car. I scream…I swerve…I see the guardrail heading straight for me. Maybe I’ll die…

Would it matter right now?

By some miracle, I regain control of the car, and manage to pull it over to the side of the road. I shut off the engine, and sit in the darkness. I’m shaking, crying…and it’s something I don’t have time for right now. I know I need to pull myself together and get on that plane tonight. I take a deep breath, and try to think of something positive…anything at all. Then I remember the picture that Mary drew me last night while I was getting my things together. Frantically, I open my purse and pull it out. I run my hand over the crayon drawing, and smile a little. She was so excited to give this to me. I hug it to my chest, and close my eyes. Soon, soon I’ll be in New York…away from this mess. All I have to do is calm myself down, step on the gas and get to the airport. I start slowly. I fold the drawing up neatly and stick it back in my purse. Then I turn the key in the ignition, and place my hands on the steering wheel. I glance at the digital display on my dashboard. It’s five thirty. I have an hour to get to the airport and get on the plane. I don’t know if it’s the lack of time I have, or the memory of Mary that fills me with the adrenaline I need to get me going…but it’s something. I take that burst of energy, step on the gas and cautiously make my way back onto the road again. “Good,” I say out loud. “Good Kerri.”

Thirty minutes later I find myself running through the airport terminal. When I reach the check point, I practically throw my carry on bags at the girl behind the counter and she shoots me a bewildered look. I’m sure she thinks I’m a lunatic, and all I want to do is run and hide from her…from everything. “Sorry,” I say breathlessly. “Almost…”

“You almost missed the flight,” she informs me before I can get the words out. “It happens a lot. But don’t worry, it hasn’t left yet. Boarding is almost over though, so I suggest you hurry and get to the gate.”

She has me pass through the metal detector, and hands me my purse and backpack on the other side. I thank her with a rushed smile, and run down the hallway towards the gate door. I find that they are letting the last few people on the plane, and I breath out a relieved sigh, knowing that I’ve just made it. Once I get on the plane, I sink down into the seat, and close my eyes. I want to sleep all the way to New York. I hope I can. I hope I can forget about Justin, Shane, and Nathan long enough to do that. I hope…

I feel somebody sit down in the seat next to me and I open my eyes. There is a girl about my age sitting there, digging through her bag for something. She looks tired, maybe even a little nervous. I wonder what brought her here…what kind of problems is she trying to run away from? A moment later, she finds what she’s looking for. It’s an mp3 player, and I am immediately reminded of Justin. He always has to have his music with him, and he always has to play it so damn loud. God…I hope this girl isn’t like that.

I guess I must have been gawking at her for too long, because she’s looking at me now. “Hi,” she says.

I blush a little. “Hey,” I say softly.

She sticks the headphones in her ears. “I have some Swedish Fish if you want some,” she informs me.

I laugh a little bit. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

She smiles a little bit and leans back into her seat. “I’m Rachael,” she tells me.

“I’m Kerri.”

“Do you have family in New York?,” she asks me, pulling the of Swedish Fish out of her bag.

I reach over and take a candy from her. “I go to school there,” I say.

“Oh,” she nods. “That’s even better. Getting away from your parents and shit.”

I bite my bottom lip. She has no idea how many things I’m getting away from. “Yeah, it’s going to be a good break from them.” I shove the candy into my mouth and pull the in flight magazine out of the little pocket in front of me.

“I’m going to my brother’s funeral,” she tells me.

My eyes widen a little, and I look over at her. “Oh wow, I’m really sorry.”

She shrugs. “It’s not that big of a deal. I mean, he was my brother…but he was always getting into trouble. Like, my grandparents warned him that he was only going to wind up dead if he kept doing what he was doing, but that was Nathan. He never listened to anybody.”

My breath catches in my throat, and I feel my heart skip a beat. “N-Nathan?”

She nods, and shoots me a confused look. “What’s the matter?”

“How did he die?” I blurt out. I probably shouldn’t have been so blunt with her, but I mean…I have to know. What if like…what if this girl is the sister of that bastard?

“He was killed in a motorcycle accident,” she grunts. “Damn, what the hell is wrong with you?”

I feel the blood rush to my face. Jesus Christ. This is insane. “I…I’m really sorry,” I tell her. “I just…I’m just a little tired.”

“I think you‘re a lot more than just tired,” she mutters, and turns away from me. I hear the music blasting from her headphones a moment later, and I know I’ve lost my chances of making friends with her on this flight. I’m sure she thinks I’m a lunatic…just like the drivers on the road, and the lady in the airport terminal. I’m starting to realize that it doesn’t matter if I move across the country, or if I let a few months pass before I see Justin again. The horrible memories of what happened are still going to stay with me, ready to attack and drive me to the brink of my sanity at a moments notice. I’ll always be looking over my shoulder now, making sure nobody ever gets the chance to hurt me again. Making new friends is out of the question, because I feel the entire world is against me now. The only person I can truly rely on is myself, and I’m not even sure I can trust her.

I’m uncertain. Uncertain of the future. Uncertain that I can pull through this without bringing my loved ones down with me. My life, that once was headed in a good direction, a solid direction, has now been turned upside down and inside out. All that’s left is one big miscellaneous adventure…

A miscellaneous adventure of uncertainty.

The End?

*******

It’s too late to go back, so I’ll just press forward with this blade. The blood feels wonderful against my skin. I feel him leave me, and I smile. This is my one true escape. I’ve found my defense. He can’t hurt me anymore…never again. He can’t tie my hands or hold me down. Maybe if I’d started this sooner I wouldn’t be the mess that I am. Maybe if I’d started this sooner…Kerri wouldn’t have left me…

Please god, please bring her back to me…

I scratch the words into my skin. She’ll hear me this way…COME BACK. She has to hear me…she has to hear me. I rock myself a little bit, back and forth and forth and back. “Come back,” I whisper.

But she isn’t coming back, and I’m alone. I’m alone and I’m bleeding. Bleeding and alone. But Shane has left me…his spirit has rushed out of me at the simple touch of this blade.

I hear him again, and I whimper. I thought he’d gone away. No no no…he’s stronger than that. I find another spot and slice into myself again. I wince at the pain but it passes quickly. I’m numb again, and Shane is passing out of me once more.

“Justin, come back to bed baby.”

My blurred vision clears up a little, and I hear her voice at the door. I shake my head roughly. “I’ll…” I begin to say but my voice cracks a little. I clear my throat, and try again. “I’ll be there Cam.”

“Are you sure you‘re okay?”

I’m not. I get up from the floor and wipe the blood off the ceramic tile, before cleaning up my own cuts. “I’m sure,” I say. “Just hang on.”

“Okay.”

She sounds as insecure as I feel, but I know I can’t tell her about this. This is too much. It’s my personal, private struggle, and I’ll deal with it in my own way. I’ll have to, to keep my dignity.

I’m uncertain about how much longer I can hold this all in. If I can ever live normally again. If Kerri will ever be able to trust me again. If…if I’ll ever be able to trust myself again.. My life, that once was headed in a good direction, a solid direction, has now been turned upside down and inside out. All that’s left is one big miscellaneous adventure…

A miscellaneous adventure of uncertainty.