It’s dark. I guess I must have passed out, because I don’t remember being put in here. Where is Justin? Is he in the car with them? What the hell is going on?

I need to calm down. Calm down, and think…

When I was little, I went to a sleepover party this girl in my class was having. It was exciting for me because it was my first real sleepover. My mother naturally, was worried that I was going to be homesick and cry all night. I knew I wasn’t going to do that though…I was always an overly confident child. So, after a lot of indecision on her part, she dropped me off. At first it was so much fun. We did most of the things that a group of six year old girls do at a slumber party. We put too much makeup on, and dressed in clothes that were much too big for us. We jammed our faces with candy and cookies until her mother caught us and took the junk food away.

Then one of the girls had the brilliant idea to play hide and seek.

The house was a big one…perfect for playing that sort of game. There were so many closets and hallways and rooms that a group of small children could play for a good hour before finding everybody. Being the adventurous type, I ventured to the upper level of the house. There was this closet up there…the perfect hiding place. I remember opening it…I remember getting inside…and I remember the door closing behind me. About twenty minutes passed, and nobody seemed to be coming to find me. I thought I’d won, and decided to come out and see what everybody was doing. When I went to open the door though, it wouldn’t budge.

I came to find out much later on that the door had been broken for some time, and the girl I was friends with had been told repeatedly not to go near it. I was locked in there for a good three hours before anybody decided to go looking for me. By that time I was a wreck of course. It was such a small closet…and it was so dark. I didn’t think I’d ever get out. Ever since then…I haven’t been able to sit in a closed space for more than an hour at a time.

I’m starting to feel it now. The panic rising inside of me. It’s so dark in here, and it smells…it smells like a big bottle of beer. I’m starting to have trouble breathing, and it isn’t helping that I have a big old piece of tape stuck to my mouth. The handcuffs are chaffing the skin on my wrists too. It hurts like hell. I close my eyes…maybe I can sleep it off. Maybe I can fall asleep and not wake up until we get to wherever we are supposed to be going. But the trunk lid…it’s closing in on me. If I fall asleep it might smother me. No…sleep isn’t an option.

Scar face’s friend wants four million dollars for our safe return. I really thought he was going to kill me. I was ready…freaking out, but still ready. Then Justin said…he said he’d do anything as long as the guy didn‘t shoot me. But, I can’t have him paying that kind of money for my ass. I could never repay him. My parents are well off…but they aren’t millionaires. And I…I’m not even out of college yet. I’d probably be better off dead. At least that way Lynn or whoever is gonna get the call won’t have to take that much money out of Justin’s account. Does this guy even know how hard it is to get that much money together on short notice? Probably. And he probably doesn’t care either.

Like he said…just as long as he gets what he wants.

After hearing Justin beg that guy to spare my life, I feel horrible about the way I’ve been treating him so far. I guess Trace was right…I did start our argument this morning. But…I was in a normal situation then…and I hadn’t wanted to deal with Justin. Now…I don’t know what to think. I know that it’s been way too long since we’ve had that special connection between us. But the way he acted…it was like we were never apart. He had that look on his face…the one that used to tell me how much he cared about me. I don’t think I could be mad at him right now, even if I wanted to be.

We hit a pot hole in the road, and my head smacks against the lid of the trunk. I moan through the gag, and feel my head begin to throb. Then I hear Justin’s voice. It’s muffled and hard to hear what he’s saying. He sounds panicked though…God I hope everything is okay out there. I hope we get where we’re supposed to be soon. I don’t know how long I can hold out in here. I’ll probably black out again, like I did before when that guy was about to shoot me.

The car continues on for miles…well at least I think it’s miles. It’s hard to tell how much time has gone by in here. It’s so dark, and it’s not like there is a window I can look out. Then I feel it…the car stops. I’m relieved, because I’m starting to feel really closed in now. My breathing is getting more rapid, and I know I need to calm down. There’s only so much air in here, and the harder I breath and freak out, the less air there will be for me.

I hear a car door open and slam shut again. Then there is a shuffle of feet against…rocks? Gravel? I hear Justin. He’s asking about me. Oh God Justin…don’t worry about me. Take care of yourself. The trunk is wrenched opened a moment later. I see scar face standing over me, his gun pointed at me. This time he doesn’t look so tough. He looks young…and scared. For the first time today, I’m not so frightened of him. He seemed big and strong to me before. But he’s nothing compared to the other guy. In fact…he’s pretty scrawny. I think Justin might even be stronger than him. The only thing he has going for him is that gun in his hand. That’s good to know…for later.

He rips the tape off of my mouth, and I’m thankful. The air rushes into my lungs, and I find that I can breathe much easier now. I look away from scar face, and try to figure out my new surroundings. But all I can see are the tops of trees and the night sky. Then I hear the other guy. He’s yelling at Justin…screaming at him.

“You’re lucky!,” he yells. “You’re lucky I even let you talk to somebody! You don’t take fucking advantage of me!”

I cringe when I hear Justin cry out in pain. I’m guessing scar face’s friend just hit him or something. I grimace, but I don’t make a sound. Then scar face yanks me up and out of the trunk. I’m standing on my own two feet, surprisingly. After that trunk, I didn’t think I’d be able to. The gun is shoved into the side of my head again, but I barely notice this time. Justin is on the ground, still handcuffed, coughing and gasping for air. I see the man kick him harshly in the stomach, and I know it’s not the first blow he’s dealt to him in the past five minutes.

I know Justin wouldn’t want me to be focusing on him right now. He’d want me to look around and try to find out where the hell we are. I glance around. It’s a woodsy area, and I realize that I can’t tell him where we are, let alone if we are still in Tennessee. I feel stupid and helpless.

“You don’t fuck with me!” the man screams, while Justin moans in pain. “I told you that before.” He hauls him to his feet, but Justin can’t even stand right now. He falls to his knees, still trying to catch his breath.

“Get up,” scar face’s friend spits out. “You piece of shit.”

He can’t get up. Doesn’t that guy realize this? He’s handcuffed…and he’s just had the wind knocked out of him. He can’t just get up. I wish I was bold…I wish I could say what I feel. But that wouldn’t help right now. Right now…anything I could say would probably get me killed. The only reason I’m alive right now is because of Justin, and I know that…I know how lucky I am.

“J-just…j-just wait,” Justin manages. “I…I can’t…breathe.”

Scar face’s friend angrily pulls him to his feet, and puts his gun to Justin’s head. I see his finger on the trigger, squeezing it like scar face did to me before. He must have taught scar face that technique, and I wonder how close they really are. “You should have thought about that before you opened your mouth to your fuckin friend.”

Justin must have talked to somebody on the phone. That was probably what I heard while I was in the trunk. He was probably talking to somebody at the house…and he probably got brave and said something he shouldn’t have. Shit Justin. You can’t pull that with this guy.

“Move.” Scar face’s friend shoves Justin forward, and he stumbles a little, nearly losing his balance again. The man has such a firm grip on him though, that Justin can’t fall. I guess that’s good…but then it’s bad too.

Scar face maintains a firm grip on my upper arm and shoves me along behind Justin and the other man. We reach a clearing, and I see a house… a really old house. It looks like it’s been deserted, and why wouldn’t it be? Who would want to live all the way out here? Scar face’s friend leads us into the house, and I cough a little…the dust overwhelming me immediately. I have terrible allergies, and I know within a few minutes I’m going to be coughing and sneezing like crazy. I wish I had my Allegra, but it’s in my purse. And my purse is in Justin’s car. Yeah…I’m not getting that anytime soon.

We are lead down a long hallway, and then scar face’s friend stops in front of one of the doors. He undoes Justin’s handcuffs, and wrenches the door open, pushing him through it. I hear him stumbling around…there are stairs. I know I’m next. I feel scar face take my handcuffs off, and I’ve never been more thankful to be able to move my hands. He shoves me forward, mumbling something about ‘moving faster’.

For a moment, scar face relaxes his grip on me. I guess he thinks I’m not a threat. I don’t know why I do it…I don’t know what I’m thinking. But…I take my chance. I break away from him. Then I run. I hear scar face’s friend screaming at him to grab me. I’m nearly to the door…I can almost touch it.. Then I hear a gun shot, and I scream and get down on the floor. Within three seconds, I feel the familiar coldness of the gun to my head, and I know I’m caught.

“If I wasn’t sure you’re boyfriend was going to get me all this money…I would have shot you before.” It’s scar face’s friend. I press my face into the dirty hardwood floor. I can’t look at him. I know if I do, I’ll completely lose it. He pulls me to my feet, and angrily shoves me forward. He’s not holding onto me, but he doesn’t need to. If I tried to run now, he would shoot me…there is no doubt in my mind about that. I don’t even know why I tried to run in the first place. I think it was one of those psychological things…a human longing to be freed from her chains or whatever.

He forces me over to the door, and wrenches it open again. I see a short staircase leading down into some kind of storage cellar. It’s no bigger than my parent’s master bathroom, and I know that it’s too small for me to be confined in. There’s not much to it. There is some kind of old looking mattress laid out, with a grungy looking blanket. There is no toilet. There is no running water. I don’t want to go. But then I see Justin. He’s standing there, waiting for me to join him. It’s a dimly lit room, but I can already tell that he has a fat lip and a black eye from before. He looks shaken, and it’s probably because of the gunshot. I guess he must have thought that something happened. Running was a stupid idea. I need to be brave, I realize. I need to be in this with Justin. If he doesn’t have me…he doesn’t have anybody.

“Get down there!” he screams at me, giving me a hard shove down the stairs. It causes me to trip and I almost fall flat on my face, but then Justin rushes over and grabs me before I have the chance to. I’m physically trying to pull away from him…I don’t want to be touched right now…but my mind won’t allow me to. I find myself letting him wrap his arms around me. I’m clinging to him, burying my face in his chest. I’m terrified for my life, and it’s the only reason that I’m acting this way.

Scar face’s friend points the gun at us, and walks down the steps. “I don’t want to hear a sound comin from this room.“ He wags the gun at us menacingly. “Understand?”

I don’t answer, I’m too shocked to speak right now. After a moment, I hear Justin mutter a ‘yes’ and I hope that it’s enough to make the man go back to wherever it is that lies beyond those stairs.

“Good,” he grunts. He jogs up the steps and ducks out the door. It slams shut behind him, and the clicking sounds of the lock being turned makes my skin crawl. Then it hits me. We’re stuck here. We can’t get out.

I’m stuck in a room with Justin.

Finally, I’m able to pull myself away from him. I walk over to the mattress and slide it over to one side of the room before sitting down on it. It’s lumpy, and uncomfortable. I try not to think about how it was obtained…about who might have slept on it…who might have died on it. I wrap my arms around my knees and rock myself back and forth a little. Then I let myself cry, not caring if Justin is watching. Hell, I’m sure he wants to do exactly what I’m doing right now too…but he’s too focused on his pride to let his emotions show.

“Kerri,” I hear him say. His voice is raspy and weak. “Please don’t do this…not now.”

“Why?” I finally manage to choke out between my sobbing. “Because you can’t take it?”

“I’m not about to argue with you right now. Kerri…this is serious.”

“I know it’s serious.” I look up at him, and wipe the tears from my eyes. He’s standing before me, hands shoved in his pockets. Now, in the light…I can see what that bastard did to him. His lip and black eye were a given. But there are other bruises too…his entire face is one big black and blue mark, and there is a big gash on his forehead. He’s acting like he doesn’t know what I’m staring at. He’s so serious…he looks so…hopeless. I don’t know what to do. I could cry some more…but really, what would that solve? Nothing. It would only waste energy that I’m sure I’ll need later on. “What am I supposed to do?” I ask him.

He sits down beside me and lets out a long sigh, tilting his head back against the wall. “Not flip out,” he says after awhile. “There’s a way out of this.”

It’s funny…it’s almost like he’s been trained how to act in a situation such as this. I mean, I’m sure his bodyguards and such have went over with him how to handle a hostage situation…but I never thought Justin could take a conversation like that seriously. He‘s as inexperienced with this kind of thing as I am, and I’m surprised he hasn’t broken down yet. “Really?” I sniffle. “Well then what is it? Because I can’t be stuck here…not like this.” The cut on his forehead is really nasty. Instinctively I take the blanket and spit on it. Then I take it to his forehead and try to wipe the excess blood off. It helps a little, but I know in the morning it’s going to look really bad. He needs antiseptic for that…which of course…we don’t have.

After I finish ‘cleaning’ his cut, he looks over at me. Despite his rugged appearance, his eyes still have that light…that beauty that they‘ve always had. He sits up a little, and examines the side of my face that scar face slapped. Then he frowns. I guess there must be a bruise there. “That mother fucker,” he says quietly, stroking the side of my face quickly before pulling his hand away. “You okay?”

It’s hard for me to answer him. I know I’m not okay. But I don’t want to tell him that…I don’t want to bring him down more than he already is. So I change the subject. “You talked to somebody?”

He’s silent, and he looks away from me. I hear him sob a little bit, and I gently place my hand on his shoulder. “Justin…it’s okay.”

He turns back to me. For the first time, I see tears running down his face. He’s terrified, and I…I don’t know what the hell to do for him. I’m terrified too, probably even more than he is. “It’s not okay,” he says finally. “I dragged you into this,” he shakes his head and buries his face in his hands. “Jesus,” he sobs. “What the hell did I do?”

I feel like I should hold him, and tell him that this isn’t his fault. But I can’t make myself do it. I still feel awkward…caring about him again. I know that there is a part of me that still has a lot of hate for Justin, it’s just on a temporary leave of absence for the moment. When we get out of here…when this blows over…I’m sure it will come back to me. “I’m scared,” I tell him. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t have said that. He needs me to be positive right now and I know that.

He picks his head up slowly, and nods. “I’m scared too.”

I don’t think he was ready to admit that to me yet, because his eyes widen and he gets up from the mattress and starts to pace the room. That serious look has taken over him again. He’s snapped out of his frightened state for the moment. I guess he feels he has to be the strong one because he’s a guy. It makes me feel like the weaker one. I mean…I guess I am. Scar face and his friend have already proven that I’m under their rule now.

“I talked to Trace.”

My eyes widen at his comment. “W-what happened?”

“He’s freaked out, Kerri,” Justin says to me. He continues to pace back and forth across the room. I’m guessing that this is keeping him calm, and that’s okay by me. Whatever he has to do. “At first he thought I was joking you know? Because…hell, I didn’t know what to tell him. They just had me call whoever I needed to call…and then he picked up. It was so fucking weird.” He shakes his head roughly, before continuing. “I said…Trace, I’m in trouble, and at first he laughed and told me to shut the fuck up and get home already.” Justin smiles a little, but it quickly fades. “You know how Trace is.”

I try to smile, but it doesn’t happen. The thought of Trace being on the receiving end of a phone call that extreme sends chills through me. I can’t imagine how helpless he must feel right now. If I know Trace, he probably doesn’t know what to do …and he’s probably angry at himself for not being able to help out more. Justin and I are his closest friends. I know he’s a wreck, and I feel terrible that this has all suddenly been saddled on his shoulders.

“But then…,” Justin continues. “I told him I wasn’t joking, and I said…I said that my car got dumped in the woods somewhere and that I didn‘t know where I was…that’s when he took he phone away from me. It pissed that guy off that I told him about the car…that’s why he beat the crap out of me before.” He touches his hand to the swollen part of his lip, and winces in pain. “Damn it,” he says. “Every part of me hurts right now, Kerri.”

He crosses the room and sits down on the mattress again. Once again I feel compelled to soothe him…to make his pain go away, and once again…I force myself not to. “Did they tell him…what they wanted?,” I ask him.

He nods slowly. “Four million dollars…in forty eight hours.”

I feel the tears begin to seep out of my eyes again. “I can’t pay you,” I sob. “Justin…I know I can’t pay you back for this.”

“Hey,” he says, his voice a little stronger than before. He takes one of my hands in his. “You don’t worry about it,” he tells me. “It’s just money Kerri…that’s all it is.”

I pull my hand away. It’s not just money though. This is his money. The money he worked his ass off to earn. I remember the days when he couldn’t even get a record producer to look at him. He used to say he would never make it, and he would get so upset sometimes. In those days all I wanted was for him to achieve his goals….and when he did, I was so happy for him. Those were probably our best days. I went to a lot of his auditions with him. I went to all of NSYNC’s little high school performances. I was always there. And I know he appreciated that. “You earned that money…I didn’t,” I say to him. “I’m not going to let you buy my way out of here.”

“So what then?” he asks me. “I’m supposed to leave you here at the mercy of those fuck heads upstairs? No fucking way. Kerri…I…I care about you,” he says, more to the wall than to me. “I know that everything is crazy and we haven’t talked in fuckin forever. But today…tonight…it’s shown me that I never really stopped caring about you, even though I told myself that I was done with you.”

I shift away from him slightly. What he just said isn’t making any sense. He’s just confused…he doesn’t care about me like that, not anymore. This is just a scary, intense situation and he is trying to make the best of it. I give him props for that…for being mature. But I’m not about to sit here and believe that we can be friends again. I’m not going to put myself through that kind of pain. After this is all over, I’m going to be messed up enough as it is. I don’t need him hanging over my head.

“Kerri,” he says softly.

I don’t answer him. I lay down at the edge of the mattress and curl myself into a ball. I close my eyes, and I shudder. My body wants me to cry again. Damn it. I’m so tired of crying. My eyes hurt from crying…my insides hurt from sobbing so hard. My throat hurts from screaming. Sleep is the cure. But I know I can’t sleep tonight. Too much has happened in a short span of time. I’m still in shock from it all, I realize…and I probably will be for some time.

“I’m sorry that this is happening,” he says. His tone is sad, and defeated. “I--I wish there was something I could do, Kerri. But I really don’t know what to do. I just got the crap kicked out of me. That guy…he almost killed you. I‘m trying my best here. I’m trying to tell you exactly how I feel, and you’re just ignoring me. You‘re bein fuckin selfish, Kerri”

Now its happening. The asshole in him is coming back. “Stop arguing with me and leave me alone,” I mutter. “Go to sleep or something. I’m a mess, Justin…I can‘t put up with your attitude problem right now.”

“If we’re going to outsmart these guys, you need to stop hating me so much,” he tells me. “After this is all over…then you can ignore me. But to do this…to make it out of here alive, we need to be a team…understand?”

To make it out of here alive… My eyes snap open at his words. “You say it like we’re going to die or something.”

He doesn’t answer.

“Justin?”

“Jesus Christ Kerri! I don’t know what these guys have planned for us.”

He says it too loud, and I tense up, expecting scar face or his friend to come bursting through the door at any moment. Scar face’s friend said no noise. Is Justin stupid? “Keep your voice down,” I say to him angrily. “Do you want one of them to come in here?”

“Fuck them,” he grunts. “Nobody is in control of me.”

I roll my eyes. “They have guns, Justin. I think they’re plenty in control of you.”

“Screw you, Kerri.”

I pull the blanket over to me, and bury myself underneath it. But it’s dark. So dark…just like the trunk. I gasp and throw it off of me. I’m crying again. I officially hate crying now. I try to stop, but I just…I can’t. I’m sobbing and wailing and carrying on. I don’t even know why. Was it the dark? Or is it a combination of everything?

“I’m sorry,” I hear Justin say. I feel him next to me, and then…his hand is running up and down my back. I wish I had the strength to push him away from me, but I don’t. All I can do is cry. I’m so pathetic. So fucking pathetic. “That was messed up,” he whispers. “I’m not thinking right now okay? Please…try to relax Kerri.”

I look at him finally. My vision is so blurred from the tears in my eyes, I can barely make him out. I feel his hand on my cheek. He’s brushing my tears away…and I don’t want him to. I can’t draw away from him though. I’m too tired…too mentally exhausted to bother. Now I’m in his arms. He’s whispering in my ear, but my mind is so jumbled right now I can’t even focus on the things he’s saying to me.

I feel my eyes close again after a few moments, and I don’t realize that I am falling asleep…until it actually happens.

**************

I have never been in this much pain before.

During the tour, Trace and I got into a fight with this guy at a club. He was trying to make a move on Elisha and he wouldn’t leave her alone. We could tell that she was really bothered by it too, because Elisha is usually able to laugh stuff like that off. This time, she wasn‘t laughing about it, and so, we figured the guy might have tried to grab her ass or something. Anyway, we didn’t really wait to find out the whole story. We just went over and started to beat the shit out of the guy. Tiny was the one that ended up breaking up the fight, and after we were through with the guy, he looked like…god…he looked like I probably look right now. I didn’t care then, because I’d never been beat up like that before, and nobody called the police…so I guess I felt I didn’t have to care. When you’re up in VIP…that kind of shit doesn’t happen. What happens there stays up there, and it’s great…it’s like fuckin Vegas. But now…I don’t think I’ll ever lay a hand on anybody else for the rest of my life. Unless it’s the prick or his comrade of course.

My whole face hurts. My bottom lip is swelled to the point that it hurts to move my mouth even a little bit. My right eye feels the same way. The skin around it has swollen to the point that I can barely open my eye, and it’s making it hard for me to see. Great. So now, if they come in here and try to shoot me, I won’t be able to see properly and in turn, won’t be able to defend myself well enough to survive the battle. But really…why would that happen tonight? They haven’t even made arrangements to initiate the ransom drop yet. They have to keep me alive…I’m their meal ticket.

As for the rest of my face…I know it’s pretty banged up too. That guy punched me so many times I lost count. I saw how Kerri was looking at me too…I know I look like hell. When I take a breath, it hurts a little, and I’m beginning to wonder if one of my ribs might be bruised or broken. He kicked me really hard…I mean really really hard. I’ve have never, ever in my life experienced the kind of pain he dished out to me tonight. And I pray to god that I never have to again. The bastard was wearing steel toe boots. Fuck. He did it on purpose. He knew he was going to kick my ass tonight…

He knew he was going to do it…and he couldn’t wait to get his chance either.

I lift up my shirt and survey the damage. There are welts all over my body, and I groan a little. Jason and Katherine won’t be happy about this. I think…I think I have a photo shoot on Wednesday. Yeah…I do, I remember now…mom was telling me about it. But I know now, there is no way in hell I’m making that, and I’m kinda pissed. It’s supposed to be a big cover. I think maybe…Details? GQ? Hell, I can’t keep track anymore. But I can’t shoot like this…all bruised and shit. The photographer would have a coronary.

Damn, I hate missing work. Johnny…Johnny is gonna be so pissed. Now we have to reschedule, and hell, with my luck I probably won’t get a new date. Big mags like that…they deal with so many high profile stars they don’t need to accommodate them if something goes wrong really…unless you’re like fuckin…Madonna or the President. Somebody like me…if I miss, it’s my tough luck. They’ll find a replacement in a couple of hours.

Getting to speak with Trace, although I think it’s the briefest phone conversation we’ve ever held, reassured me a little bit. Hearing his voice calmed me down some…it was familiar. It reminded me of home, and for a brief moment, I think I forgot why I was calling him in the first place. Then…then I felt that gun pressing into the side of my head again. Yeah, I remembered after that. Somehow, I managed to say that I was in trouble…but Trace, being the smart ass that he is, didn’t buy my story. His response was “See? I told you if you just got the girl alone, she’d realize what she was missing out on.” And I almost laughed…as crazy as it sounds. Maybe it’s because he’s my best friend in the world…or maybe it’s just because I needed to have some sense of normalcy in my life at that moment I didn’t laugh though. I knew if I did, the prick’s friend would have taken the phone away. Instead I said: “I’m not joking.”

Then he got really quiet. Like the time I told him I saw his girlfriend making out with Charlie behind the Soda Shack. That wasn’t a good day. “What’s going on?” Was his response.

That was when I completely lost my wits. I told him that some guys with guns were taking me somewhere, and that they dumped my car in the woods. The two assholes didn’t seem to care that I’d told Trace that…so I got even bolder. I told him that Kerri was in the trunk of the Oldsmobile.

The prick’s friend didn’t like that…that I told Trace the car make. To prove this, he snatched the phone away from me, and punched me in the face. I think that’s where my black eye came from. I was so busy trying to make the pain stop…I almost didn’t hear him continue the conversation with Trace. I came to my senses just in time to hear him say: “Four million, forty eight hours, no cops, no bullshit. I’ll call you.” Then he hung up…and started to beat on me for what I’d done.

Even though I was getting the beating of a lifetime, I still couldn’t get the fact that Trace was probably standing in the middle of my mother’s living room, his eyes wide…his mouth hanging open, staring at his cell phone like it was made of gold out of my mind. I know it probably took him a good twenty minutes to say something to somebody too…unless they noticed him first.

I know it’s late now…and by this time I’m sure everybody knows what’s going on. My mother is probably frantic. She’s probably on the phone with my dad. She always calls my dad when she’s upset about something. I don’t know…they’ve always had something more between them I guess. Sure, they got divorced but it was like a mutual thing….they simply weren’t in love anymore. They got married so young, and knew each other for years beforehand. Sometimes the only reason I think they stayed together for so long was because of me. They’re kinda like me and Kerri, except…me and Kerri didn’t get married and have a kid. I hope daddy is helping her to calm down some…but then, I know my dad. He’s not the type to totally freak out. I mean, I know he’s worried, but he won’t show how worried he is. I’m a lot like him I guess. Aside from the time I thought Kerri was about to die, I haven’t really broken down at all tonight.

I have confidence in daddy. I know he’s going to help my mother through this.

I know the boys are at my mom’s by now. I actually spoke to my father earlier, when he was putting them on the plane. He would have come down here with them, but he has some big contracting job he has to take care of. Christ, I really hope the boys don’t know what’s going on. But I know Jonathan. He’s too old to keep secrets from anymore. I know…because he knew that Britney broke my heart. He didn’t come right out and say it…but he was so attached to me after the breakup happened…I knew he had to know. And when I went to Virginia Beach to record Justified…he got so mad at me. He said… “You always leave me behind for a girl…and then she‘s not nice with you”. That was when I knew he was getting too old for ’grown up secrets’. Steven’s still young though. I hope he doesn’t catch on. But it’s going to be hard…with everybody in such a state of panic. I know he’s going to want to know what’s going on, and he’ll probably freak out when I’m not there in the morning to watch his cartoons with him.

Nothing like this has ever happened in my family before. Hell, it hasn’t happened in Kerri’s either, well…not that I’m aware of anyway. Christ, so it’s like…twice the panic. I hope Trace or somebody can keep everybody’s tempers in check. This is not a good time for a family reunion. Christ, my family and Kerri’s family…in this mess? It’s never going to work. I hope my mother won’t lose her nerve. I know Trace isn’t going to listen to what they said about not getting the police involved. I know he’s going to get Tiny involved. And I know Tiny is going to get the FBI or some crazy shit. They’re going to need my mother to get through this. Those assholes…they’ll never take Trace seriously if he deals with their phone calls. He’s a great friend…the best friend in I have the world. But man, he’s the worst damn liar on the face of the earth. I don’t condone cheating on women. I think it’s the lowest thing a guy can do to a girl besides hit her. But I know if Trace had to cheat on his girlfriend…if he was miserable beyond repair…he would. And he wouldn’t be able to lie his way around what he did. He gets all red faced when he lies, and he stutters. If they asked him… ‘there aren’t any cops with you are there?’…I know he’d be like “Well…uh…no…” Yeah, then we’d really be fucked over. We’d be dead…we’d probably get buried in that mulch outside.

Christ, now I’m shaking.

“Wait…no…wait…”

Kerri’s weak voice causes me to fill with alarm, and I glance over at her. She was crying so hard before, I guess she exhausted herself. She fell asleep what seems like hours ago`. I laid her out on the mattress and covered her with that blanket so she could be comfortable. She’s tossing and turning now though…like she’s having a nightmare. I don’t think about it…I get up from my spot on the floor and walk over to her. “Ker…Kerri.“ I shake her a little. I want to wake her up before she hits the climax of her nightmare and starts screaming. Those bastards are probably sleeping, and I’m not about to wake them up now.

“Wha--” She gasps, and opens her eyes. “Justin?”

She’s looking at me like she doesn’t know what I’m doing here. She must not remember what‘s happened…maybe that’s a good thing. “Yeah,” I nod. “You were…having a dream.”

She sits up and leans back against the wall. She looks around the room again, and I see her shoulders sag a little. Then she frowns. She’s remembering now. “You were in the dream,” she tells me. “You were…you were just walking away from me. I couldn’t move either. Like…I was glued to the ground or something, and then there was this wave…I think it was a wave. And then you were running from it…like, leaving me behind.” She shakes her head, as if she doesn’t understand herself, and then looks back at me again. Her eyes are this deep, intense blue. Even deeper than my own. They’re beautiful. I used to look into them years ago, and get lost in them for hours. Now though…

Well…things are different now.

“I wouldn’t leave you behind,” I reassure her. I reach out for her hand, but she moves it so I can’t grab it.

“I know,” she says softly. “Is it morning?”

I shrug. I glance around the room quickly, looking for a boarded up window. There isn’t one of course. “I don’t know,” I say.

“Are they coming back soon?,” she whispers.

I sit down next to her. “I…I don’t know,” I repeat. I wish I had answers for her. I hate not being able to tell her when tomorrow is…when we’ll eat…when we’ll go home. Hell, I hate not being able to know those answers myself. We need a clock in here. If we don’t have a clock in here…it’s not going to be a good thing. I heard about this experiment they did at Harvard. They locked two people in a room for a week without a watch. I heard they both went crazy. Now, I don’t know how true that story is of course. I mean…Chris told me the damn story for Christ’s sake. But thinking about it now, I think it’s possible. If you’re in a confined area, with no windows and no sense of time, it’s like you’re living in total emptiness. You don’t have anything to wait for, because you don’t know when anything is supposed to happen.

I don’t want to lose my mind in this room. I don’t want to see Kerri lose her mind either. We’re so young, and we have so much to experience, and Kerri…she has even more to experience than I do. I’m twenty three, and I’ve been around the world more times than I can count. Kerri…she never got to go overseas with me when I was touring with the guys. When I was touring the UK for Justified, I remember trying to get in touch with her so she could come with me. I knew it was risky, but I thought it was time that we got to talking again. And I knew she’d always wanted to go to England…so I figured she wouldn’t be able to say no. I never got in touch with her though. Apparently, Kerri is an impossible person to reach when she’s away at school.

I’ve always resented Kerri’s parents for making her miss out on touring Europe with me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the Donovan’s. They’re like a second family to me…but they are so overprotective when it comes to Kerri. In fact, if it wasn’t for my mother’s sweet talking, she wouldn’t have gotten to come on the US tours with me either. Her parents felt that she was going to go off with me and get caught up in the business and never come home. I guess her parents are like that because until Mary, she was their only child. But hey, I’m an only child too, and my mom never stopped me from doing anything I wanted to do. But then again…my life has been a lot different from most people’s. Kerri wouldn’t have done that though…run off with me. By the time she hit junior high she knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. All she used to fuckin’ talk about was getting accepted at NYU, and how she was going to have her own radio show one day.

It was me who got her that internship at Z100 too…even though Trace told her it was all him. I was pretty pissed off at him for that too. I wanted her to know that I still respected her dreams, even if we weren’t talking anymore. But Trace…I guess he felt she might have turned the job down if she knew it was my doing, so he told her he set it up. I know he was right doing what he did. But, at the time I didn’t want to believe that she would turn down the opportunity of a lifetime over a stupid grudge. She would have though…I know that now. When we get home, I have to remember to thank Trace for doing that, because I totally bitched his ass out when it happened originally and I’ve never really forgiven him for it either.

“Justin.”

I look at her. She looks frightened, and I really wish she would let me comfort her, but I know she’ll either start telling me what an asshole I am or she’ll go curl up at the other end of the mattress. It’s like she’s afraid of me. When I was talking to her before…I really thought she might have given in and held me for a minute or two. I needed her to…but…she just wouldn’t. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because we haven’t talked…or maybe it’s because she’s afraid I’ll hurt her like I hurt her before. I want to ask her what the answer is. But I don’t think this is the time or the place. “Yeah?”

“Do you think…they‘ll let us go home after they get the money?”

I haven’t started to think about that kind of stuff yet. I mean, I know that the question is one I can’t avoid for long, but I guess I‘m scared to start thinking about that kind of stuff. It makes this all so much more real, knowing that something could go wrong with the money…or that they could get the money and still kill us both. I guess I have to start thinking about it now though. If I hold out, it’s only going to make things harder to deal with later on.

Honestly, I have no idea what’s going to happen when they get the money. They haven’t made any sort of attempt to disguise themselves…and they haven’t blindfolded us. We know what they look like. In the movies, when the hostage knows what the bad guy looks like…the bad guy usually kills them. So…is that what’s going to happen to us? Are they going to put my family and Kerri’s family through this? Are they going to take my money…celebrate a little bit, and then take us outside and shoot us? “I…” I try to say something to her. I try to look her in those beautiful deep blue eyes of hers, and tell her that everything is going to turn out for the best. I can’t do it though. I can’t give her an answer when I don’t know what the answer is. “Kerri, I just…I just don’t know.”

She wraps her arms around her knees, and stares up at the ceiling for a moment. She’s trying not to break down again, and I commend her for that. She wants to be strong for me…for us. Us. It’s weird to think of me and Kerri and an ‘us’ right now. Once upon a time I used to think that we were an ‘us’. I miss thinking that way. I miss her…I miss her so much. The last couple of weeks…I haven’t been sleeping. I talked to Cam about it in bed one night, and she told me it was probably just the tour catching up with me. She explained that I was so used to staying up all hours, that when I tried to sleep, my body didn‘t want me to. Then we had sex, and I felt okay again. I guess that could have been part of the problem…staying up all hours. But at the same time, I also knew I was going to see Kerri again….and I think it was making me more nervous than I wanted to admit.

I’ve haven’t told Cameron about Kerri yet. I’m afraid to, because…I think I might care about Cam a little bit, even though we‘ve only been dating for two months, and I don‘t want us to fight over something like Kerri. Cameron…she really understands me. She knows where I come from, and the kind of person I am. And she listens to me too. I’ve never really had a girlfriend that listens to me like she does. I guess, I probably could have told her about Kerri before I flew home, and I’m sure she would have been fine with it. She’s way past that jealousy phase that most women through. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if I told her about Kerri, she would have told me to suck it up and apologize. I smile…just a little. I can totally see her saying it. I’m really glad I have Cam in my life. I can’t wait to go home, and call her and talk to her about all of this. She’s better than any shrink. I know I’ll call her, and we’ll talk, and she’ll cry…and then a few days later I’ll fly back home. Then we’ll sit in the bed together and she’ll let me put my head in her lap. Then she’ll run her hands through my hair…that way I like, and we’ll be happy. I know we will.

But right now, I know I need to stop thinking about Cameron. I need to focus on Kerri…because I know she needs me. “Hey,” I say to her.

She doesn’t look at me right away. When she finally does, I see that her eyes are still filled with tears, and when she blinks, they start to travel down her face. “Yeah?,” she croaks.

“I know…we don’t really have any answers right now,” I say. “But…we have to believe that everything is going to work out. We have to stay positive about this whole thing. If we don’t…then they’ll have us right where they want us.”

“They already have us where they want us, Justin,” she tells me sadly. “We’re trapped in here.”

“They don‘t have control over our emotions, Kerri. And that’s the important thing,” I say. Damn…why is it that I’m able to keep my head straight right now? I should be a mess like Kerri…but I’m not. I feel like one of those guys on a soap opera. Like…when he’s stuck in some cave with his girlfriend, and he knows exactly what to say. I don’t understand. I’ve never been prepared to handle something like this. No lecture from Tiny could have ever prepared me for the stuff that went down tonight. Am I brave? I’ve never thought myself to be brave…just confident. Maybe…maybe that’s it. Maybe I have so much confidence in who I am and what I do that it’s hard for anybody, including the prick and his friend, to tear me down. It’s a good thing that I’m able to be this confident though. They won’t be expecting it. They probably think I’m going to lose my mind before this is all over.

But I’ll show them….

I’ll show them that I can handle this….that we can handle this.

“I don’t…Justin…” She looks at me again. Her eyes are big, frightened. “Justin, I don’t want to die.”

This time I don’t think about what she might do. I move closer to her, and drape an arm around her shoulders. “We’re not going to die,” I whisper, cupping her face with my free hand. “I promise you okay? We’re going to get out of here…you’ll see.” I stroke her face and hair, and lightly kiss her on the forehead. I feel her tense up a little, and I know that I shouldn’t have crossed that line with her…but I don’t know what else to do. I want her to know that I’m going to try as hard as I can to protect us.

She leans her head on my shoulder, and closes her eyes. I’m a little surprised. I thought she would have pulled away from me by now and moved to the other end of the mattress. Maybe she’s finally starting to realize that we need to be in this together. I hope that’s the case. Two against two is a lot better than two against one. I pull the blanket over us, giving Kerri more than I give myself, and close my eyes, hoping that when I wake up again it will be time to get down to business. For a moment, I don’t think I can sleep, but the sound of Kerri’s rhythmic breathing eventually helps me to drift off.

And I’m thankful.