I don’t know how long it’s been since Kerri came back from the bathroom. It seems like days have gone by though. I hate this time thing. Before this, I thought I had a good sense of time. I would be on the road, and I wouldn’t even need to look at my watch…I would just know what time it was. It amazed Trace, because even when he has a watch on he still can’t keep track of the time. I swear, if I depended on him, I’d be late for everything.

But, it’s easier to have a sense of time when you’re out in the world living your life. You can see the sky, you can see when it’s early in the morning or late at night Here…it’s just four stone walls and a mattress…a prison. If they left us here to die, we’d never know what day it was or anything like that. I mean, we could always guess, but it would be hard. I wish the pervert would have given Kerri the watch before. Maybe…maybe later I can ask him. I think he might give in, if I give him what he wants. He better. I need a sense of time. Chris was right about that whole Harvard experiment. It really could drive somebody crazy.

I talked to my mom this morning. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sit there and hear the worry and panic in her voice. I told the pervert I’d rather deal with Tiny or somebody. Then he asked me who the hell Tiny was. I didn’t want to tell him he’s my head of security…because security means police. So I told him Tiny was one of my friends. He didn’t seem to believe me, but then again…he doesn’t believe anything I tell him. He told me I had two options. I could either talk to my mother or I could ‘talk to that mother fucker I talked to last night‘. I wasn’t about to get on the phone with Trace of course. If the cops are involved, he’d give it away in a heartbeat. So in the end, it was my mother who came on the line.

After the pervert barked an order to put my mother on the phone, he handed it over to me. Then I heard it…my mother’s voice, weaker than I’ve ever heard it before. She said, “Baby?”, and I nearly lost it right there in front of the bastard. Somehow I managed to control myself and save my tears for later, even though the only image in my mind was of my mother sitting on the sofa, her eyes swollen from crying all night long. I know my mother…and I know she has no idea what to do right now. She doesn’t know where I am…she doesn’t know how banged up I am. She can’t help me, and it’s killing her…I know it is. The images of her in my mind made me so upset…I kind of lost myself for a moment. I started to say the craziest shit to her, about how much I love her and how much I appreciate her…like I was never coming home or something. It wasn’t the best thing I could have done, and I know that now…but I was panicking, and I couldn’t stop myself at the time. Then she started to cry, and the pervert…he was smiling. He was smiling because it was exactly the kind of reaction he wanted from me, and I wanted to kick myself for letting him get his way.

Then he took the phone away.

But I wasn’t done. I wanted to talk to my mom. My mom…she’s like my rock. Nobody in this world has been there for me and supported me like she has. When I was young, and first starting out with the guys, she willingly quit her job and traveled around with me, even though the hours were long, there was no guarantee I would make it, and I was in a pissed off mood most of the time because I never got to sleep. She put up with it…and I’ve never forgotten that. When I heard her crying and sounding like she didn’t know what to do, all I wanted to do was reach through the phone and hug her. I wanted her to know that I loved her no matter what. I…I needed to talk to her some more, and having the phone taken away from me set me off. I was so blinded by my anger, I didn’t realize that I’d gotten up to take the phone back until it was too late. I never saw the pervert turn around, but I did see his fist fly in my face. He punched me, and knocked me to the ground. Then his gun was pressed to my forehead, and I knew if I tried to move again I’d be dead. The pervert finished the conversation, telling her he wanted the money first thing in the morning, and that he would call her with the details when he was ready to give them to her.

I don’t want to think about what my mom did after she got off the phone.

I can’t help but think about what this is doing to Nanna and Poppa. I just saw them yesterday, and everything was fine. I ate about a pound of pie, and I couldn’t’ have been happier to be around them. I knew they were excited too because I’ve been on tour practically all year and they only got to come to one show. I know they would have gone to more, but Poppa’s heart hasn’t been it’s best. He had a heart attack two years ago, and the doctor told him that it would be best if he didn’t do a lot of heavy traveling anymore. It upset me…because he was sick, and because I knew he wouldn’t be able to come out to a lot of my shows anymore. When I was touring with the guys he and Nana used to go all over the south to see me. Those were my best performances with the guys I think. With my grandparents…I’ve always had this fear that I’m going to see them one day and the next day one of them won’t be here, so when I’m around them I try to give them the best of myself. Thinking about it now…I know that this has to be strenuous on the two of them. They’ve never been through something this tragic before. Nobody in my family has ever died a tragic death, or mysteriously disappeared. I hope Poppa can be strong…I hope Nanna can be too. I don’t know what I’d do if one of them died because of this whole thing.

Man, I could really go for a Big Mac right now. But then my calorie count would get thrown way off…not that it isn’t already. I’m really self conscious about my weight and appearance. Before NSYNC, when I was just this little nobody from Tennessee, I didn’t’ really care. Yeah, I worked out then…but I still ate what I wanted to. The second we were signed though, all of that was out. We were all put on these strict, low carb…low sugar diets. Basically the salad, water, and protein shake diet. Oh god, those protein shakes…some of them tasted like chalk. I remember a few times…Chris and I would sneak out and buy milkshakes and pretend they were the protein shakes. It worked for awhile, but then my mom caught us. I fought with her a lot about that whole diet thing. I didn’t’ really understand why it was so mandatory at first. But…after so many years in the spotlight, I’ve come to understand…in this business you have to look the part. The camera adds thirty pounds to you, so in order too look the part you have to look…sickly I guess. I’ve met a lot of supermodels with eating disorders. They say it’s nearly impossible to stay so skinny, even if all they eat is salad and drink water. A lot of them are on laxatives…a lot of them simply don’t eat at all. It’s really sad, because a lot of those girls have good hearts…but in this business…it doesn’t matter. In this business, sometimes perfection isn’t even good enough.

This tour, I had a lot of problems with my weight. One week I would be up five pounds, and the next I would be down ten or fifteen. I guess it was partially because of all the hours of dancing and performing I put in, but I know a lot of it had to do with my being too busy to get enough food in my stomach. Trace was the only one around me enough to notice. I mean, Cam was there too but she doesn’t really notice things like that. She’s used to losing weight…she has to be. In the movies, you always have to look perfect. You always have to be that ideal weight. So when I lost all that weight…she would just smile and say ‘you look hot babe’, and I wouldn’t think it was such a bad thing. Trace though…he knew better. He started to get really worried about me mid tour. Some days, I would hardly eat anything at all…and then I would go do a two hour show. Then I would be so exhausted, I would barely be able to function at whatever club we went to after. He would ask me all the time ‘J, are you eating?’ and I would tell him yes, even though I knew I wasn’t.

Sometimes I wonder if I put off eating because I really was too busy…or if it was something else. Like, I think I might have been afraid to gain the weight back after I lost it. Even though I knew I was too thin, Johnny and everybody in production would tell me I was looking great, and…I wanted them to tell me that. I think I’ve lost count of how many times Johnny has sat with me and talked to me about ’the right weight’ and ’the right look’. All I know is when it seems that I’ve gained too much…he gets pissed. Then my mom talks to me. “Are you dieting properly honey…because you know…you have that big shoot…” Then I’ll go look at myself in the mirror and weigh myself…and I’ll feel so fat…so gross, that I have to rush out to the gym right away. My mother…she doesn’t mean to put this kind of pressure on me. I don’t think she realizes she does it. I’ve always been a perfectionist though, and when somebody tells me I’m not up to par or I feel that something I’m doing isn’t one hundred percent, I’ll do whatever it takes to fix the problem.

I’ve spent hours at the gym, trying to get in the best shape I can. But still…even though Jason says he’s really proud of the way I’ve been sticking to my diet and excersice program, and how my body is in the best shape its ever been, I still don’t feel perfect. I still feel off…awkward…fat. I don’t let anybody know that though. Not even Trace…and I know it would hurt him if he found out I’ve been keeping so much from him. I can’t tell him though. He’d think I was crazy or something. Then he’d tell my mom, and my mom would tell Johnny…

It would turn into a big mess that I’m not ready to handle.

Kind of like this mess…

The pervert gave me a sandwich, but I couldn’t eat it. Not after…that. I’m regretting it now though. I’m so hungry…it hurts. It‘s a good thing I decided to drink the soda. If I held out, I’d be more dehydrated than I know I am already. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until I felt the liquid touch my tounge. I took a sip, and then…I didn’t stop drinking until the can was empty. I got to piss too…in that nasty little bathroom. I’m guessing they made Kerri use it too. I feel horrible about that. Kerri hates using other people’s bathrooms. It’s like this anxiety disorder she has. Years ago, when we were friends and she would come out on tour with us, sometimes the only bathroom around would be the one on the bus, and the idea of sharing a bathroom with five guys completely grossed her out. She actually made our driver pull over one time because Joey took a big shit, and she refused to use the bathroom on the bus. We all laughed our asses off of course. Right now though, I’m not amused at all. That toilet was so disgusting…I was thankful I only had to pee. Kerri though…I know she had to sit on it. I know there was no toilet paper either. Poor girl…what the hell did I get her into?

I touch a trembling hand to my mouth, and wipe it off for what seems like the thousandth time today. It doesn’t help though. I still feel dirty. I still feel ashamed. I was peeing, that’s all I was doing. I wasn’t trying to run…I wasn’t trying to put up a fight. Why? Why did he start this with me? I…I was peeing, and then he opened the door. I was humiliated…that he saw everything, but I couldn’t very well conceal myself, because I was in the middle of it all. Then he shut the door, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really know why he was in there with me. I hoped it was because he had to pee or something, but deep down I knew it was something more.

And I was right.

After I finished peeing, I told him I was done, but he didn’t seem to hear me. He backed me into the corner, and he started…saying all this crazy shit. Like…how he’s been watching me for a long time, and that…that he wants me so bad. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, what could I do? He still had his gun…he was still in control. He told me he wanted me to kiss him, and when I didn’t say anything…he held his gun to my head and forced me to. He forced me to kiss him. Then he started…touching me, and I…I couldn’t stop him because I was so afraid if I tried to, he would kill me. He pressed on…kissing my neck and my face. He lifted up my shirt and…he started to kiss my chest and my stomach. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the tears running down my face. I remember looking down, and his hands…they were on my chest, then my stomach…working their way down, further and further… until…

“I’m so thirsty.”

Kerri’s voice pulls me out of the horrible memory. I glance down at her, and shoot her a reassuring half smile. “I’m sure they’ll give us some water soon,” I say. I know the chances of them caring enough about our health to bring us water is slim to none…but I’m not going to tell Kerri that. Just like I’m not going to tell her about my episode in the bathroom. It would only bring her down more…and with the drop happening tomorrow I need her to keep her wits about her.

She smiles at me a little, and I know she doesn’t believe what I’ve just told her. She leans her head on my shoulder anyway though…and I know she’s only doing it because she doesn’t want to bring me down. She’s…she’s sort of my friend now. It’s weird to be thinking this way, because it’s been so long since we’ve shared any kind of bond…but it’s the truth. After this is all over, and we’re out of here, I know we’re going to be able to talk a little. You don’t just…go through something like this with somebody you know without growing closer. It’s human nature.

“I watched the meteor shower.” She tells me, her smile widening a little. “I went up on the roof, even though I could have gotten kicked out of school for it. I don’t know..I just…I really wanted to see it. I mean, they were streaming it online…but I knew it wouldn’t be the same.”

I smile, and stroke the top of her head. The thought that we were both up on our roofs watching those meteors soaring high above us, makes me feel like we were never really apart in the first place. We were both doing the exact same thing at the exact same time. I don’t know about Kerri…but that whole time, all I could think about was her and how the last time there was a meteor shower like that…we were making out up on that hill in Sacramento. “It wouldn’t have been,” I say. “That was an awesome shower.”

She nods. “Yea. It was beautiful. Remember when we used to sit outside and watch for them?” she asks.

“I do,” I whisper.

“Those were my favorite moments with you, Justin,” she admits. “And even though…I had so much hate for you because of what went on between us…it hurt like hell watching it without you.”

Hate. I never meant for her to hate me. When we had sex, I’ll be honest…it scared the hell out of me. I don’t think I was ready to be that physical with Kerri then. I mean, we’d kissed before and stuff…but it never went further than that. It was such a spur of the moment decision…sleeping together. One moment we were on the phone, and the next she was knocking on the door of my room at the Trump. She came in and we watched Mall Rats for a little while. Then…I started kissing her, and she wanted it…she wanted it so bad, and we were in the bed. Then one thing led to another…and we were naked, exploring each other in a way we never had before. Afterwards…she fell sleep, and all I could do was lie there and think about how much things were going to change between us. We wouldn’t be able to just hang out anymore…we wouldn’t be able to be the friends that we‘d been our entire lives. I understood that I had a choice to make…I could either be with her, or move on with my life. I guess I was so scared, that I chose to move on. I shouldn’t have…I really shouldn’t have. It was her first time, and I know that hurt her most of all. Here I was…her supposed best friend. The one person she trusted more than anybody…and I just fucked her over, because I was Justin Timberlake and I could. She still hates me for it to this day, and I know if we weren’t in this mess…she wouldn’t be talking to me. We’d be at the party…I’d be at one side of the room and she’d be on the other, and we wouldn’t talk at all. Then I’d get on my plane Monday and go back to Los Angeles, not having talked to her once the entire weekend. Trace would yell at me, but I wouldn’t care. I would set my focus on Cam, and push Kerri even further out of my mind and my life.

But this situation is forcing us to come to terms with everything. Maybe…it’s God’s will. Maybe he’s trying to show me that things can be good between us, that Kerri is too good of a friend for me to just toss to the side. “I’ve always wanted to tell you…how sorry I am for everything,” I say softly in her ear. “I guess I’ve just been too much of a pussy to pick up the phone and tell you.”

“No.” She sits up a little and stares me down with those deep blue eyes of hers. “I wouldn’t have wanted to listen.”

It’s the truth. Kerri is so stubborn, she would have hung up the moment she heard my voice on the other end of the line. It was that thought that prevented me from trying to call her. Once in awhile I would get the guts up to do it…after Trace would give me a lecture about how he knew I still cared about her…and that he was sure she still cared about me. I would pick up the phone, and dial. Then I would hang up after the first ring. I remember, she answered once, and I’ll admit…hearing her voice made me feel a lot better. It was the night before Justified came out, and I was so nervous…I was throwing up most of the night. I wanted to talk to Kerri, because I really didn’t know anybody else I could call that would understand my feelings. I’d already talked Trace’s ear off and he was sleeping…and my mom…she’d already heard me yak enough. I really thought I would be able to talk to Kerri, as it had been two and a half years…but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear her yell at me…I didn’t want her to remind me of what I did to her. Now, I wish I hadn’t been such a pussy. I might have been able to work things out between us…then maybe, just maybe…she wouldn’t have come to get the cake with me yesterday…and she would be safe right now. “If I knew how things were going to turn out, I would have never taken that step with you,” I say. “I never wanted to lose you. I just…I got so scared Ker. I…I don’t know…”

“You didn’t want to love me,” she says.

My eyes widen. She’s right…so right, and it’s weird. I didn’t want to love her. Loving her was dangerous…because I knew if something really bad happened, I would never recover. Not that recovering from Britney hasn’t been hard. That girl had my whole heart, and I think…she’s the only girl that I’ve cared about as much as Kerri. When it ended…it was horrible. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep…all I could do was sit in my house and cry. I was never more thankful when Rel invited me down to his studio in Virgina Beach to start recording Justified. It was an escape from everything…my mom babying me…getting the rest of my stuff out of Brit’s house, and the fucking paparazzi trying to find out what ’really’ happened. It was a place I could sit with my friends and get all of my aggressions out. If I didn’t spend that summer away…I don’t think I would have gotten somewhat past it all. Yeah, my heart still aches when I think about her…but not nearly as bad as it did. “I’m sorry,” I tell her. “It’s just…you’re not like other girls Kerri. You never have been.”

She nods, but doesn’t say anything for a moment. Her expression is sad, but thoughtful. And then she looks at me again…this time though, she looks almost relieved. Like a huge burden has just been lifted off of her shoulders. I feel her sink into me a little more, and for a brief moment…it seems as if she’s forgiven me, just a little bit. “I knew it was going to be weird after,” she tells me. “I knew it while it was happening. But…it felt so right. Like, it was supposed to happen. Like…you were supposed to be my first. And now that I think about it…I wouldn’t have wanted it to be anybody else. I just wish things didn’t end up like they did. I can’t even tell you…how much I’ve missed talking to you, and how much I‘ve missed…being friends with you. I’ve felt…incomplete for all this time, Justin. But…I was too stubborn to pick up the phone and tell you that. I didn’t want to be the one to give in.” She smiles at me. “You know how stubborn I can be.”

I let out a short burst of laughter, and it feels good. After everything that’s gone on today, I’m surprised I can manage to laugh at all. “I do.”

“Remember that time…,” she giggles. “I didn’t talk to you for a week because you cheated at Monopoly.”

“Huh?” I have to think for a moment. So much stuff goes on in my life, it’s takes a lot for me to even remember stuff that Trace tells me about. But then…the memory flashes through my mind, and I feel myself start to laugh. We were eleven, and it was…it was a rainy day. Trace was at his grandparents for the weekend…so that left Kerri and I to amuse ourselves. I went to her house, and we decided to play Monopoly. As it turned out, Kerri landed on both Boardwalk and Park Place and totally started to kick my ass. I hate losing…at anything. So…I took some extra money out of the bank, thinking that I would fool her. When she noticed that all the hundreds were gone from the bank though…she knew I’d cheated. Man, she got so pissed…she was screaming at me. The girl didn’t talk to me for a week. Yeah…that’s how stubborn Kerri Donovan is. “Oh yeah,” I smile. “You went nuts that day.”

She laughs. “I’ve always been a big over reactor. I think Mary is starting to get that way too. My mom told me she flipped out the other day because one of her cartoons got interrupted by a news broadcast.”

Her smile fades a bit. I know she’s worried about her sister…about how she’s holding up back home. She’s always had a special bond with Mary because there is such a big age difference between them. When she was younger, her parents wanted to give her a brother or sister, but her mother had a lot of complications and had to have her tubes tied. For years, they abandoned the idea…but I guess when Kerri got older, they realized that they weren’t done being parents yet. Four years ago they adopted Mary, but the kid is so much like Kerri that you can’t even tell she‘s adopted. She talks like her…she acts like her, she even looks a little bit like her. I think it was one of those things…like, God put Mary on this earth to be a Donovan. I love that little girl, I have from the moment I laid eyes on her at the christening, and I feel horrible that I’ve missed so much of her life because of my falling out with Kerri.

“I really hope she’s oblivious to all of this,” Kerri continues. “But really…how can a four year old understand what a kidnapping is?” She shrugs her shoulders, and starts to bit on her thumb nail. “I was supposed to take her to the zoo tomorrow…I promised her. She’s going to hate me.” She runs her hands through her hair and sighs heavily. “I’m never around for her, Justin. I want to be…but school and everything keeps me so busy. Sometimes, I feel like I won’t get to spend any time with her until she’s practically in middle school. And then…she won’t care anymore.”

It’s funny. I feel the same way about my brothers. Sometimes I’ll promise them things. Like Thursday morning, I was talking to Steven on the phone and he made me promise to take him for an ice cream at Hickory Farm. Now, when I say promise…it’s not like any ordinary promise. Years ago, daddy had a long talk with me about ‘promising’ something to the boys and ‘saying maybe’ to the boys. He told me only to promise them something if I was absolutely sure that I could do it and if I wasn‘t sure I was to tell them ‘maybe‘. I understood where he was coming from. I mean, he knows how attached the boys are to me, and he doesn’t want to see them get hurt. I have a habit of doing that too…breaking promises. In fact, before my father had that talk with me I used to break promises to them all the time. I never meant to, but I would get so busy…I would forget a lot of the things I would tell them. Then I would hear about how Jonathan was crying because I forgot to call him during Rugrats like I said would, so we could watch it together over the phone.

I remember when we did that NSYNC concert in Disney World… the boys got to come down and spend the day with me and the guys. I was excited, because we’d been in Europe for most of the year, and I hadn’t seen them at all. I was so excited though…I made the mistake of telling Jonathan that I would spend the entire day with him and Steven the day after the concert. I never meant to break my promise…I really thought I was going to be off the next day. But as it turned out, a couple of local radio stations wanted to interview us the next day…so I couldn’t do what I said I was going to. At first I didn’t think much about it, but my mom…she said that she took the boys to the park, and she could tell something was wrong with Jonathan. She told me he wasn’t talkative at all, and that he didn’t seem excited to be there…even when they hit his favorite rides. I knew it was my fault, and I felt horrible. A few weeks later I found myself in New York, and I remember buying him this ridiculously expensive toy from FAO. It didn’t make me feel any better though. I knew he didn’t want a toy…he wanted me, and I was ready to tell Johnny I needed to go to my dad‘s for a couple of days. But then…we did TRL, and then…NSYNC was huge. Every talk show wanted us, and I didn’t have time for my brothers. I only had time for the group…Trace, and Kerri when she could get away from her parents.

I’ve never forgiven myself for that.

“If it makes you feel better,” I say to her. “I promised Steven an ice cream from Hickory’s. He’s going to throw a fit.”

“You’re not supposed to promise them things,” she says with a disapproving tone. “Your father tells you that all the time.”

I sigh. “But I was positive I would be able to do it, Kerri. I didn’t count on…this.”

“So we both have little people problems.” She smiles slightly. “Maybe they’ll band together and rebel against us.”

I laugh out loud. “Can you picture the three of them…with their water guns. I want ice cream!”

“I swear,” she says, not showing much amusement. “When we get out of this, I’m going to spend as much time with Mary as I can. I don’t even care about school…or whatever else. She’s more important.”

It kills me that I can’t make the same promise to myself. I mean, I guess I could…but it would just fall through in the end. When I get home, I’m guessing I’ll probably get about three days to myself with my family before the phone calls start. Everybody will want an interview, and the next week will be spent deciding who is worthy enough of hearing my story. Kerri doesn’t realize how lucky she is. She’ll get as much time as she needs to recover because hell, there is no way I’m dragging her into these interviews with me. She doesn’t deserve that. She deserves privacy. Maybe I do too…but when you’re famous…sometimes you’re simply not entitled to privacy. It comes with the job description. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I live a great lifestyle. But even the greatest lifestyles have their downfalls. And the privacy issue…it’s definitely one of them. “You should,” I nod. “You owe it to yourself Kerri. I know you never get to spend enough time with Mary.”

She stares at me for a moment, as if she’s just realizing something…something bad. “The press is going to be all over you, aren’t they?”

I shrug and smile a little. “I’ll deal.”

“You just went through that whole Britney thing,” she says. “I know I wasn’t talking to you…but it was kind of hard to ignore that whole thing. It was everywhere. Like, I’d be in line at the grocery store and there you would be…on the cover of People. That must have been hard…for you,” she nods, but doesn’t quite meet my gaze. The topic is making her nervous, and we both know that if we didn’t sleep together and kept our heads on straight…hell, we’d probably be together right now, and the Britney thing…it would have never happened. I mean, I saw me and Kerri together. I used to have dreams about it and shit. Sleeping together was the wrong choice…I know that now, three years too late.

“It was hard,” I agree. “But, it was awhile ago. I’m basically over it now, ya know? I mean…I have Cam and…”

Shit.

I didn’t want to tell her about Cam. This isn’t the right time or place. My mom doesn’t even know about Cam. She just thinks we’re friends. She doesn’t know that we’ve been planning…that a lot of her stuff is dumped in my house.

Kerri pulls away from me and sits up a little. “Cam?”

I sigh. “Please don’t tell my mom.”

She cocks her head to the side. “What?”

“I…I have a girlfriend,” I confess, keeping my eyes locked on hers. She frowns…I don’t know why. “Ker?”

“Trace said that you had some stuff going on,” she nods. “But he wouldn’t tell me exactly what. Now…I guess I know why. I don‘t get what the big secret is though…I barely talk to your mom anymore.”

I bite my bottom lip. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this now. Cam is my thing, and Trace…he’s lucky he knows about it. And I know Cam…she doesn’t really like talking about me and her either. She wouldn’t want me discussing it with Kerri…I know it. But then…how will she ever find out? “We met a few months ago,” I say. “I guess we hit it off better than I thought we would.”

She rolls her eyes. “Good for you. I don’t care.”

She seems bitter. I don’t get it. It’ s not like we’re on the best terms right now…why should she care if I have a girlfriend or not? Hell, I barely know Kerri anymore. Cam and me… it’s not her business…and actually, the only thing her mind should be focused on right now is getting the hell out of here. God, I need to stop being so personal with her. This isn’t like before. Kerri and I…we’re not connected like we used to be, and I need to get that through my mind. Yeah, I can comfort her and shit…but that’s as far as it needs to go. I can’t let myself become so attached to her that I lose sight of what my life is now. My life is Cam…my life is Trace…my life is momma daddy and the boys. It’s not Kerri. That’s history.

Ancient history.

*************

The rest of today has crawled by slower than the last day of school on a hot June afternoon. I remember those days…how after the school bell would ring I would race Justin and Trace to the doors of Millington Elementary, and try to be the first one in line for the ice cream truck. We would sit on the steps for hours afterwards, eating our drippy ice cream cones and playing with the deck of cards Trace would always carry in his back pocket. During the summer of fifth grade I started to get really good at poker. I actually taught Justin how to play. When we were older, Justin and I would play team poker on the tour bus with the rest of the guys, and end up beating them all. It got so bad that they wouldn’t allow us to play with them if we were on the same team.

Justin and I…we were always this inseparable team. In the summers you never saw one of us without the other. A lot of the NSYNC fans nicknamed me ‘the female Trace’…but really, I’m nothing like Trace. Trace is a guy for one…and I think that his relationship with Justin is more of a brotherhood than a friendship. They slept in the same crib when they were babies, which is more than I can say about me. I didn’t meet Justin until I was almost five years old. I’ve always been the little ‘girlfriend’. The girl he brought with him to premieres and parties before he had a serious relationship with Britney. And I loved it. I loved sharing his lifestyle. I loved going to parties and racing around in flashy limos, Benzes and Beamers with him and the other guys. I loved the people who would point at me and take pictures, not knowing who I was or why I was around. I loved the fans…how they always knew who I was, and how they tried to relate to me. It was fun….it was halfway to being famous, and I have to admit…when that all ended, I couldn’t help but be a little sad.

But all that…it wasn’t the reason I stayed so close to Justin. There was more. There was this bond between us…one that even to this day makes my head spin with a thousand questions. Sometimes, we would be able to read each others minds…like some sort of weird psychic connection. Originally, Justin was supposed to have been a twin, but the other baby…a girl…died soon after being born. Lynn used to tell me she thought I was Justin’s reincarnated twin, because I could understand him better than even she could at times. I guess she was right. It used to scare me…when I would sit back and know exactly what he was thinking. It scared Justin too. But…he went with it. He never ran away, and I guess…it’s because he liked having that bond with me. It was special…one of those once in a lifetime kind of friendships.

And we ruined it.

Nathan came in before, and gave us a big bottle of water to share. I was thankful, and wanted to drink it all right away. But Justin, being the survival expert that he is (haha), told us we have to conserve what we have. The bastard only let me have a couple of swallows. I can’t take this. I need water…I need my bed, I need a shower and a toilet with some toilet paper. I need to cuddle up with Mary and BearBear and sleep until my body won’t allow me to sleep anymore But I can’t, because I’m stuck here…with him.

It has to be after eleven by now. Nathan was kind enough to tell us what time it was when he was in here before. You know, he’s not so bad. Yeah, I know he’s twisted and sick and fucked up…but he’s not like Shane…not at all. I know I can’t trust him, and Justin…he hates him, but still…it’s nice that he’s making an effort to take care of us a little. The water helped a lot. My mouth was so dry, I had to stop talking to Justin. Then he fell asleep, and I tried to do the same, but I couldn’t. I’m scared…that we’ll both fall asleep and I’ll wake up and Justin will be gone again like he was this morning. The worst thing they could do is separate us. I wonder if they realize that. Probably. God, I hope they don’t separate us. I’d die if I had to be in here by myself.

About a month ago, Siobhan told me she heard a rumor that Justin and Cameron Diaz were dating. I laughed at her though…then I told her I didn’t care. Then she corrected me, as she tends to do with everything I tell her, and told me that she knew Justin still meant something to me even though I acted like he didn’t. Sometimes I really can’t stand Siobhan. She thinks because we’ve known each other for four years…and that she’s the only one I’ve confided in about what happened between me and Justin, that she knows everything about him and how I feel about him. Well she doesn‘t know everything. I told her that too. Then…then she laughed at me! I told her I was going to file for a new roommate…yeah, she didn’t believe that for a minute.

I don’t care if Justin is dating fucking drop dead gorgeous Cameron Diaz. I don’t care if he’s dating anybody…

Okay so maybe it hurts…just a little. Three years ago I really, truly cared about him with my whole heart. And he cared about me. That last year we were friends, it seemed like every time we would get together…we would grow even closer, as if that was possible. All we wanted to do was hang out together, and Trace…he even felt left out a few times because we would sneak out for a night by ourselves, leaving him to amuse himself. It was the height of NSYNC’s popularity. They’d released No Strings Attached a little over a year ago and were one of the top selling artists in the world. Due to their high demand, I hardly got see Justin at all that year…and I think it’s one of the reasons why we were so excited to see each other when given the chance. It was my freshman year of college too, so I was in New York City…a place I’d only frequented a few times with Justin and the guys. I was scared, and it took Siobhan and I awhile to warm up to each other. She was a snotty little rich girl from the Hamptons, and I was a southern belle from the outskirts of Memphis. We had nothing in common in those days, and most nights I would find myself alone in my dorm while she went out with a group of friends she had no desire to introduce me to.

In May, Justin and the guys spent a couple of weeks in New York. They were starting to lay down plans for their next album, Celebrity. It meant that Justin and I would be getting some much needed quality time in, and I couldn’t have been happier. I was so lonely…and desperate for a friend then. Justin didn’t know about that of course, and I didn’t tell him. I knew the time we had to spend together was limited, and there was no sense in making him worry about me the whole time.

Britney was around for that first week, but I could tell things weren’t going well between her and Justin. When she would talk to him, it seemed like he was off in another world. And when I was talking to him…I had his complete attention. I could tell it was pissing Britney off something fierce, but I didn’t care. We weren’t really friends, and I hadn’t seen Justin in a long time. Maybe it was selfish of me…but I didn’t give a damn. Justin was my best friend, and that was all that mattered. She even stormed out on us one day, because Justin and I were involved in a deep conversation about…god…what was it?

Oh yeah. Sex.

Anyway, she tried to interrupt us, and Justin totally ignored her. He did that hand wave thing he does when he’s on an important call. She didn’t like that I guess…because five minutes later she grabbed her bag and stormed out. But Justin…he didn’t care. He stared after her…but after she was gone, he continued our conversation. I was convinced their relationship was hanging by its last thread, and…I know that’s why I didn’t think about it when we started to do…what we did. I never thought he would go back to her after that…

Boy was I wrong.

That day went like any other. Justin and I shopped like crazed idiots, buying the most ridiculous, random things. I remember, he bought this big hat with this humungous feather sticking out of the top of it. I think it was like a hundred dollars. I bet he doesn’t even have it anymore. It was the funniest thing though…he looked like such an asshole. But he was having fun, and I think he needed that. This business has made Justin so mature, at such a young age. He doesn’t ever really get to kick back and goof off. When he does though, he can’t help but turn back into the fifteen year old he barely got the chance to know.

Then the night came, and I went back to my dorm because I had an early class. I could tell Justin didn’t want me to leave, because he had to leave for LA the next night. I felt bad too…leaving him like that, but school has always come first with me…and I don‘t like to interrupt my focus for anybody. I felt I didn’t have a choice…so I left. Then Siobhan…oh god, her and that boyfriend of hers. I couldn’t sleep…

And then I called him.

An hour later I found myself getting off the elevator at the Trump, nearly knocking Trace over on the way out. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he saw me. It was like…he knew what was about to go down, because he said to me… “you know what you’re doing right?”. Then I laughed at him, and told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. I was just there to see Justin…it wasn’t different from any other time. But Trace knew better. I wish I hadn’t been so naïve.

Justin opened the door before I finished my first knock, and practically yanked me inside the room. I was laughing, and so was he. Then he turned on the movie…I think it was Mall Rats…yeah it was…and we watched it for fifteen or twenty minutes, before we got bored. Then Justin yawned, and turned the TV off. Then…then it was just us. I remember feeling slightly uneasy, but not in a bad way. I was kind of curious. I mean, I’d been alone with Justin in his hotel before…but that night…there was something different about that night. It was the middle of the night for one, and he seemed…I don’t know…so happy that I was there beside him.

Then he turned to me, and said: “If I kissed you right now, Kerri…would it be a bad thing?”

I kind of froze for a moment. I’d been kissed by Justin before, but not like that…in his bed. I didn’t really know what to say to him. I mean, I wanted him to kiss me, and I knew that. But I wasn’t’ sure about what would happen after. I’d never had sex with anybody before, and I knew that if I kissed him I would lose control of myself. I knew I was going to have sex with him if I let his lips touch mine. But I thought…I thought that if we did have sex, we would end up together in the end, and that was a good thing. I wanted to be with Justin. I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I…wanted to love him.

So I said: “I want you to kiss me.”

The rest of the time in Justin’s bed was mostly a blur. I was so into him…so busy kissing him and feeling his hands on my body I didn’t notice my clothes being pulled off of me. Then I felt it…him slowly entering me. I looked into his eyes, and he was staring right back into mine. Then I remember him kissing me…and then…

Then it happened. And it was beautiful and passionate and sexy and everything I always dreamed having sex for the first time would be. When it was over we collapsed against each other, and he wrapped me up in his arms and told me…and told me he never wanted to let me go. I fell asleep after that, and I was positive that when I woke up he would be there, staring at me with his angelic blue eyes.

But when I woke up he wasn’t sleeping beside me. He was sitting by the window talking on his phone and eating a bowl of cereal. At first I thought it was kind of cute, and I got up to join him. But when I sat down, and smiled at him…he hardly looked at me. He continued his conversation with who I eventually figured out was Trace, and didn’t give me the time of day. I felt so lost…so empty. I didn’t know what to think about what happened. Hell, I didn’t even know if he cared. This was my virginity…and he was just tossing it to the side. When he got off the phone, I asked him what was going on, and he told me that…he was confused and he needed to be alone.

I was hurt, but I tried to understand his perspective on the whole thing. After all, we were best friends, and I figured that Justin just needed some time alone to think about what happened. So I kissed him on the cheek and told him to call me before he left for the airport. He told me he would, and quickly helped me get dressed and called me a cab. Then I was back in my dorm before I knew it…feeling more uncomfortable about myself and my friendship with Justin than ever before. I wanted to cry…I wanted to call him and ask him what was going on. I wanted to know if we could still be friends after what we did. But I didn’t want to pester him. I thought I knew him. The Justin I knew would have called. So I waited…

And waited…and waited…

I’m still fucking waiting.

“You okay?”

I look over him, for the first time in hours. He was sleeping, so I started to veg out. I don’t know what I look like. I don’t even know if I started to cry…remembering all of this shit. “I’m fine,” I tell him. “Go back to sleep.”

He touches my face, but I push his hand away. I’m so disgusted with the memory of what happened between us, that I don’t want anything to do with him right now. I’m so…angry. I want to scream at him, and ask him why he did what he did. But, I doubt this is the right time to get my true feelings out about all of this. I’ll probably start freaking out…and then Shane or Nate will come in here and make us shut up. I shudder a little. I don’t want them to come in here.

“What happened?” he asks me. He’s confused, and its understandable because we were talking before. “You look angry or something.”

“Just…leave me alone,” I tell him, shifting down to the other end of the mattress. “Being stuck in here with you…it’s making me think about everything again.”

The compassion on his face fades. Now he looks hurt, angry…confused. “Like I’m not thinking about it?” he spits. “See…this is the thing with you Kerri. Something happened between us…and you think you’re the only one that was affected by it. I hate to clue you in girl…but I was a wreck after it happened.”

“Oh okay.” I shoot him a sarcastic smirk. “That’s why you didn’t call and got back with Britney a month later. Yeah, I’m sure you were an emotional mess the entire time you were fucking that whore--”

“She’s not a whore,” he says darkly. “You don’t fuckin know. I loved her.”

“Oh good…you were in love,” I say. “I can sleep at night now, knowing you weren’t just on the rebound for three years.”

He laughs a little. “On the rebound? Kerri we were never together…we fucked okay? It was just that…it wasn’t anything more. I know it wasn’t the best choice…I know it was your first time. But I…I was so full of myself then, and I knew I could have you and….be done with it.”

My mouth hangs open a little. I was expecting him to say a lot of things…but I really wasn’t expecting him to say that. We fucked? He had me…and then he was done with me? I feel lower than I felt after it happened. I feel cheap…I feel used. My bottom lip starts to quiver, and I quickly cover my mouth with my hand. Then a sharp sob escapes me, and I start to cry again. I don’t want to. But, what he just said…it’s worse than what happened originally. I don’t know him anymore…and maybe, I never really did.

“Kerri…hang on…I didn’t mean to--” I feel him slide over to me, and then he tries to pull me close to him.

“No!” I roughly push him away from me. “Don’t! Don’t you fuckin touch me!” I’m screaming at him, but I really don’t care. I’m so angry now…if Shane or Nate came in here I would probably try to hit them if they came near me.

Justin’s eyes are wide, and he knows he’s just blown it with me. We were doing okay for a minute there. No, we weren’t’ close or anything…but we were sticking together. Now though, I don’t even know if I would try to stop Shane if he tried to kill him. I hate Justin. I hate him so much.

“Kerri look,” he sighs. “Just calm down and talk to me.”

I wipe the tears out of my eyes so I can see him more clearly. “I’m not gonna fucking calm down,” I snap at him. “You’re an asshole.”

“I said the wrong thing,” he informs me. “Can you blame me Kerri? Look where we are.”

“You always have an excuse Justin!” I yell. “That’s your problem! It doesn’t matter if we’re here or if we were at home…or if we were on your tour bus! You still would have said it…that you fucked me.”

“I didn’t fuck you…it meant more to me than that. I wasn‘t thinking alright? Kerri--”

“You‘re a liar!” I point my finger at him. “You fucked me. That’s what you wanted right? You wanted a taste and you got it!”

“You’re being impossible,” he says. “I can’t talk to you if all you’re going to do is stand here and scream at me.”

He’s so calm and it’s making me even angrier. I’m about ready to kick him in the stomach like Shane did. But then I hear it…the door being unlocked. I freeze. “Oh no,” I whisper.

The door is wrenched open, and I see Shane standing there. He’s pissed…really pissed. “What the fuck is goin on in here?” He storms down the stairs, and pulls his gun out.

I slide down the wall, and wrap my arms around myself protectively. Who am I kidding? I could never try to hit this guy. He would shoot me before I got more than two steps toward him.

“I said I didn’t want to hear any noise.” He points his gun at the two of us. “Justin…didn’t you hear me say that?”

I look at Justin again. He won’t look at me though…only at Shane. There’s this look in his eyes. This intense look of hatred. He didn’t look at Nate that way when he brought us the water. I’m so confused…so fucking confused.

Shane slams Justin against the wall and shoves his gun into the side of his head. “Answer me,” he barks.

I cringe, but don’t make a sound.

“Yes,” Justin manages weakly. “That’s what you said.”

“You need to learn how to follow the rules.” Shane laughs a little, then slams him across the face with his gun.

Justin cries out in pain, and rolls over, covering his face with his hands. But Shane doesn’t stop. He rises from his crouched position and starts punching him in the face and kicking him in the stomach. This is my fault. It’s all my fault. I was the one who was yelling…I was the one who made him come in here. I’m crying now. I want him to stop. He’s beat Justin up enough. “Stop it!” I scream. “Stop!”

And he does stop, a few minutes later. But Justin…he’s not moving. I think he’s been knocked out. Oh my god. On instinct, I get up to see if he’s okay. But Shane stops me before I can reach him. His grip is firm, and I don’t bother struggling against it.

He presses the gun to my head. “Whoa sweetness,” he says, with a twisted smile. “Where are you going?”

“Please,” I say to him. “Just let me see if he’s okay.”

“He’s fine,” Shane tells me.

Yeah, that’s real reassuring.

“Let’s go.” He starts to drag me away. But I don’t want to go…I don’t want to be separated from Justin…dear God…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got mad…I’m sorry I couldn’t calm down and be rational.

“Please don’t do this,” I cry, as Shane drags me toward the stairs. “Just leave me here!”

But he won’t listen. I look back at Justin, but he’s still not moving. He’s just…laying there. My god what if something is really wrong with him? What if he has a concussion or something horrible like that? Why did I lose it? Why did I yell? I know I don’t really hate him. I know he only said what he said because he’s scared and shit.

Shane forces me up the stairs, and I know I can’t concentrate on what I did before. Not with his gun pressed into my back…and not when he’s twisting my arm behind me so hard that it’s really starting to hurt. He leads me down the hallway, and out the front door. It’s dark…the middle of the night. What’s going on? Is he going to kill me? Is he going to bury me here, and take Justin somewhere else?

He leads me around the back of the house, and then I see it…this little shed. He’s leading me towards it. It’s really small…and it doesn’t have any windows. Please don’t’ tell me he’s putting me in there. I won’t last. The walls…they’ll suffocate me. It’s too small.

“Now,” he says, stopping me a few feet from the shed. “If Justin behaves himself, you’ll be fine.” What is he saying? If Justin behaves himself? He’s not a child…I don’t understand. He’s been punched and kicked so many times now, I’m sure he has no energy to fight back against anything. Why can’t Shane just leave us alone? We were fighting…doesn’t he understand how stressed out we both are? It’s nearly impossible to stay calm when you’re locked in a little room with somebody that you used to have feelings for.

Or…still have feelings for.

Shane relaxes his grip on me. Then he starts to pull something out of his pocket. For a moment, it all seems surreal. Here I am, outside…and he’s not holding onto me. Do I run…or do I stay and get locked in that god awful shed? I’m shaking…I don’t know what to do. But…I just can’t be locked in there. I just can’t be.

I take a step forward…

“I’ll shoot you,” I hear him say. “Don’t fuckin’ run. You‘ll be dead before you can get to that tree over there.” He finishes pulling the object out of his pocket…a pair of handcuffs, before pointing to a tree a few yards away. Then he grabs me and pulls me towards him. I’ve just blown any chance I have of getting away from him. Now I have to face this. He’s going to handcuff me…he’s going to lock me in there. And there’s nothing I can do. He yanks my arms behind me, and a moment later I feel the cuffs locking around my wrists. They’re too tight, and I almost say something to him about it, but he forces a piece of tape over my mouth before I can.

Then he starts pushing me inside of the shed. I moan and protest against his pushing, dragging my feet and doing whatever I can to prevent myself from being forced inside. I don’t want to go in there. I’d rather be in the basement, hating Justin’s guts. But Shane…he slaps me across the face, and pushes me to the ground. I start to cry, but stop when the gun is pointed in my face again. He kneels down next to me, and wipes the new tears off of my cheeks. I cringe at his touch. His hands are cold, and evil. They’re a killers hands. “Don’t do this to yourself baby,” he says quietly. “You’re just making it harder on yourself.” He tapes up my ankles and my upper thighs. I can’t move at all. I know he’s won. He drags me inside the small shed. It’s horrible. It’s dirty…worse than the house. I know there must be a million spiders in here…or worse…mice. I’d rather that he just killed me. But I know he won’t. He’s enjoying this. And he knows Justin will do whatever he wants him to do if he keeps me locked in here.

What does he want from Justin though? He’s already giving him four million dollars. That’s what this is all about isn’t it? Money?

“Be a good girl,” Shane nods. “And maybe later I’ll take that gag off.”

I don’t believe him. He’s not going to come back. He’s going to leave me in here…probably until I die from starvation or dehydration…whichever happens to come first. I moan a little bit, but Shane doesn’t say anything else to me. He slides the door open and walks out. Then it closes again, and I hear some kind of scratching noise coming from the outside. Maybe a lock…or a board being put into place. I bend my knees and try to curl up the best I can, but it’s not helping at all. The darkness…it’s not just around me anymore, it’s reaching inside me, closing around my throat like some cold alien hand.

And I start to pray.