I don’t know how long I’ve been out. All I know is that I’m starting to come around…and it hurts like hell when I start to open my eyes. When I finally manage to get that far, the room comes into view…but its unfamiliar. It’s not the basement…and it’s not that dirty living room. It’s somewhere else. I try to sit up, but it hurts…it hurts so bad. I try to stretch…to do anything that will make me feel better. But my arms, the feel like they’re stuck together or something. Dammit…I need to snap out of it. I need to figure out where I am…and why the hell I’m like…stuck to myself. And wait…

Where the hell is Kerri?

She’s gone. Realizing this, I force myself to sit up, and then…I realize why I can’t move my arms. My wrists are handcuffed behind me. I try to call out, but my mouth…that tape is there again. I glance around. I’m on a bed. It’s old and when I shift around it wobbles as if it could collapse at any moment. This mattress…it smells. It’s more uncomfortable than the one in the basement. I know I still have to be in the house. But why did they put me in here? Why did they separate us? God, I hope they didn’t do anything bad to Kerri. I…I don’t know what I would do if she died. I dragged her into this mess, and I promised her I would get her out of it and back home. But before…we were fighting before. I said something so stupid…god, why did I say that? I know why. This whole thing is driving us both to the brink of our sanity…that’s why I said it. I guess I didn’t count on Kerri getting that upset…but she did, and the pervert got pissed. Now…now I don’t know what he did with her. I wish he would come in here and tell me.

Uncertainty is a horrible thing.

I hear a door open somewhere behind me. I gasp, and my eyes widen. Then my muscles lock up, and my breath catches in my throat. I think I might be in the early stages of a panic attack. Then I see him…the pervert. He’s here…standing in the doorway. He’s got that look on his face…the same one he had in the bathroom, and I…I don’t know what to think. I’m helpless like this…handcuffed. If he tries to…Jesus…touch me…I can’t fight back. Please god…please don’t let this happen to me. Give me give me strength…give me hope. Let me walk out of this with my dignity.

“Hey,” he says softly. He crosses the room and swaggers over to the bedside. “You sleep okay?”

I look up at him. He’s got his gun tucked into the front of his pants. I nod at him, but don’t make a sound. I don’t want to give him another reason to hit me or touch me. I just want to be left alone. I almost wish he would knock me out again, and do what he wants with me. At least then…I’d be oblivious to it all.

He gently peels the tape off of my mouth, and runs his hand down my cheek, letting the tips of his fingers linger under my chin for a moment before pulling his hand away. “That’s better. Your face…it’s too pretty to be covered like that.” He smiles at me, and sits down on the edge of the bed.

I close my eyes. When I was sixteen, we got signed to BMG Germany, and had to live overseas for most of that year. It was a lot of fun. We got to perform for thousands of people, and we built a good reputation for ourselves. We also got closer, closer than we’d ever been. We confided in one another, and trusted each other…even with our most personal secrets. When I Want You Back went gold…I remember…Lou and the label threw us a huge party. We were all excited, because it was our first real achievement as a group. It was at this big palace in Hamburg. Man, that place was huge, and that party was crazy. We had everything…a DJ, a dance floor, kick ass food, a bar…and women…

Oh God, the women.

I was just sixteen, and had yet to experience sex for the first time. And the women…they were all at least twice my age, but that was okay. I’ve always had a thing for older women, which probably explains why I was so attracted to Cam in the first place. There was this one model there…Thalia. I remember we met at the bar, and I ordered her a drink. Even then, I was quite the charmer I guess…because she was flattered at my offer. She took the drink, and then told me ‘you have beautiful face…like sun’. No, she couldn’t really speak much English…but hell, I didn’t care. She was hot. I mean really hot. So we sat on the sofa and sipped our drinks and talked about what was going on in our lives. She was a model who was trying to make it to the big time, and I was a teenager on his way to superstardom.

I lied to her though. I told her I’d just turned nineteen…and she bought it. But, most people would have believed me. I was so built by then…and so mature, even the fans…they couldn’t believe it when I would tell them I was sixteen.

We had sex in the bathroom. It was so weird, because it was my first time. But for some reason, it didn’t feel like it. I felt like I’d been doing it for a long time. I guess it’s different for guys. All we have to do is put it in. For a girl, the experience is much more intense. It wasn’t her first time though, I knew it wasn’t. She was at least twenty eight…if not older. The sex was amazing. At one point, we were moaning and groaning so loud, I thought for sure that my mom was going to walk in or something. But she never did.

After…Thalia let me hold her, and kiss her, and tell her how beautiful she was. Then, after we’d regained control of ourselves a little, we got dressed and headed right back out to the dance floor. That was my first time. I called Trace later that night and told him all about it. To this day he still talks about it like it was the greatest thing I ever did. I don’t know though…I mean, at the time I was pretty impressed with myself. But I know it didn’t’ really mean anything to Thalia…and hell, I’m sure she’s forgotten all about it by now…wherever she is…

Kerri though…having sex with Kerri was entirely different. I knew it was her first time, and I knew I was taking a big chance with her and with our friendship. We cared about each other…if Kerri cared about me as much as I cared about her, I’ll never know. But…I was positive that I was in love with her. I didn’t know I would get as freaked out as I did afterwards. I never told anybody that though, that I was in love with her then. Not even Trace. And I certainly didn’t tell Kerri. Maybe I should have told her that before, instead of getting pissed and saying ‘oh I fucked you and that was it’. Maybe…if I had just been rational, and told her that I was so in love with her that I got scared…we could have had a normal conversation. But no. This situation has fucked me up so much ,I totally blew it. I fucked our friendship over for good. And god, if we ever get out of this, I pray she gets a restraining order against me so she’ll be able to live the rest of her life in peace.

I hate myself.

The pervert runs his hand down my chest, and over the groin area of my jeans. I cringe. “Where is she,” I say to him, hating the sound of my own voice. It’s raspy and gravely...I sound like I’m dying. I need some water, but I’m not about to ask him for a favor. He’ll make me do him one. I know it’s a bad time to be thinking about this…but I guess I’m this insane about my career that I can’t help but wonder… What if my voice get effected by all of this? I mean, what if we get out of here, and I have to go and sing or something and I just…I can’t? I don’t know what I’ll do. My voice is the most precious thing I possess. When I get a cold, I freak out because I’m so afraid my voice will change. That’s why I pay Robin three hundred dollars an hour…so he can do my scales with me and tell me that my tone is natural. That I shouldn’t worry nearly as much as I do. But…like I said, I’m a perfectionist. Everything about me has to be 100 percent, and I freak out if it’s not. Trace says that I might need a shrink…he says I might be obsessive compulsive. I always tell him that he’s all the shrink I need…

After this though, I think I might just have to take his advice.

The pervert frowns, and I wait for him to punch me in the face again, but he doesn’t. “She’s alive,” he tells me. “That’s good enough for you.”

I lick my lips. They’re big, swollen. God, I must look like complete hell right now. My mom probably won’t recognize me when she sees me…I’m so banged up. “What did you do?” I ask him. I don’t care if he doesn’t like my questions either. This isn’t about me or how much pain I’m in. I don’t even care if he hurts me more than he already has…so long as long as Kerri is okay. “Where did you put her?”

“I told you…” He leans down and presses his face close to mine. “She’s alive. And…if you want her to stay alive…you’re gonna do what I want you to do, right now.”

I feel the panic rise in my throat, and I quickly swallow it back. I know what he wants. Dammit…I know what he fucking wants. I look at him again, and I can see it on his face. He’s horny. He wants…he wants me. I physically shudder. “Don’t do this,” I whisper. I don’t want to sound pathetic, but I don’t know how else to reason with him. I don’t want him to…do what people like him do. I…I can’t do things with a man. I can’t do it.

“Oh hey,” he says, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek. He caresses my face with his hand, before grabbing my lips with his mouth. He breaks the kiss, and gives me a reassuring rub on the shoulder. I’ve seen him do that to the prick. Maybe…they’re lovers? God…that’s fuckin disgusting. “It’s okay you know,” he continues. “I know you’ve been looking at me…I know that you want me, Justin. And…it’s okay. I won’t tell your girlfriend. It’ll be our secret.”

I bite my bottom lip, so hard that I taste blood in my mouth a moment later. I want to spit in his face…but I can’t. I don’t know what he would do. He might kill Kerri. I can’t risk that…not at this stage of the game.

“I’m gonna take those cuffs off,” he tells me with a small smile. “But,” he warns me. “You have to behave. If you don’t behave…I’m gonna have to kill her. And…I really don’t want to do that to you right now.”

He’s crazy. He’s sick. He’s the kind of guy they have to lock away in solitary confinement because he’s a danger to others. This guy…he’s not human. He’s an animal…a reptile. God…I hope he didn’t touch Kerri like…he’s touching me. But then, I doubt he’s interested in the female anatomy. I nod in response to his demands, and a moment later, the cuffs come off. I’m relieved, and I take a moment to stretch out my arms. It feels good, but it’s short lived. The pervert is kneeling on the bed now, and…he’s taking his clothes off. I close my eyes again, but then…I feel the gun to my head.

“Open your eyes,” he tells me. “They’re your best feature.”

I don’t at first. But then I hear him cock the gun, and know if I don’t listen, he’s going to pull the trigger. My mind forces my eyes to fly open, and I look at him. He’s stripped down to his boxers, and I…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Then his hand…he puts it…down his boxer shorts, and pulls his piece out. I grimace. This isn’t human. This is…this is evil.

“You like to give head don’t you,” he smiles. “It tastes good.”

I stare at him. I’m terrified and I know it‘s fuckin pathetic…but I want my mother. I need her right now. I‘m losing control of myself. She’s the only one who could help me right now…but she’s not here. She’s sitting at home, praying to god that I’m safe, that I’m not being harmed. But I am being harmed…I’m being…molested. And the horrible thing is, when all is said and done, and I’m back home with her…I don’t think I’ll be able to talk to her about it. I‘ve never been through any kind of experience in my life, without talking about it with momma. She knows everything. She knows about the first time I ever whacked off in the bathroom…she knows about my first kiss with Britney. She knows about Thalia…god, she really does doesn’t she? She even knows the exact details of the night Kerri and I slept together. Kerri would be pissed if she knew I told my mother all of that, but I couldn’t keep it from her. My mom isn’t just my mom. She’s my best friend too. Everything I have…the cars, the money…the fame, none of it matters without her. And this…I should be able to tell her about this. But…it’s so humiliating. I just…I don’t know if I can talk about it.

I’m shaking now, harder that I was before…my teeth are chattering. I feel like I could vomit at any moment. The pervert probably wouldn’t like that…that I messed up his plans. He’d kill Kerri. No…I can’t get sick. I can’t.

“Don’t be scared,” he says. “Go on…you can touch.”

I don’t move.

“Do it,” he says roughly. “D-do it no-ow…or, she‘s g-gonna get a bullet in her h-head.”

He’s stuttering like some kind of lunatic. But I know he’s serious when he says he’ll kill Kerri. There’s a part of me that’s saying she could be dead already, but I’m not going to listen…I‘m not going to believe that.. I have to tell myself that she’s alive somewhere, and I have do this with the pervert to keep her alive. I shift my body forward a little…and then…I touch it…god, I’m touching it. I feel the tears building up behind my eyelids, but I’m not allowing them to come out. I can’t let him break me. I have to be strong.

“Mmmm,” he groans. “Now suck it off.”

No. God no. I can’t. This is bad enough… Why does he think I can do this? My god…I’m not gay.

“I know you heard me,” he says. “Come on.”

I don’t know what in God’s name is giving me the strength to move forward with this, but…I start to lean down toward his groin. Then he pushes me down the rest of the way, and…he shoves it in my mouth. He says something…something about how he’s too heated up to wait. I can’t move fast enough though. I’m in shock. His penis is in my mouth.

I gag.

“Oh god,” I hear myself say. I curl up in a ball, and let out a loud, horrible sounding sob. I don’t care what he does to me now. I can’t do this. I wasn’t meant to do this…I‘m not gay. I shudder, and wrap my arms around myself protectively, before I start to sob uncontrollably. I realize I’ve probably just killed Kerri, and I know I’ll never be able to get over it…but there is no way on this earth I can do what he wants me to do. My mind and body will not allow me to.

“Aww baby, what’s wrong?”

He’s still here. He hasn’t stormed out…he’s not on his way to kill Kerri. He’s still here…calling me baby, and rubbing me over with his hands. It’s sick. Disgusting. But I’d rather put up with this than watch Kerri get shot or something. I find that I can’t stop crying. I want to. I want to be a man about this. But…it’s just so disgusting, I can’t control my emotions right now.

“Shh,” he tells me. “It’s okay. Don’t cry.” He kisses me, but I barely feel it. I’m getting away…back home…back to momma’s house. I’m with her, Nana and Trace. Momma doesn’t want me to eat more pie, but then…she let’s me because she knows what I’ve been through. I hug her. I hug her forever and ever…

“I know what you need.” His voice breaks me out of my thoughts. He pulls my shirt off, and…he starts touching me…kissing my chest and my nipples. Then I feel him undo my belt buckle. I look down, and his hand is down my pants. I’m numb. Numb and thankful to be numb.

But this isn’t enough for him.

I don’t know how I wound up naked…but I am now. I didn’t feel my pants coming off, I didn’t’ feel my boxers sliding off of my body. But now here I am. I try to conceal myself with something…anything, but there is nothing to use. I’m embarrassed, humiliated…and about to be raped by this sicko, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“You relax,” he says, forcing me to lie down on the bed. “I’m going to take it from here.” He rolls me over on my stomach, and a moment later…I feel him get on top of me. He kisses down the back of my neck and along my spine. Then I feel it. He’s grinding against me.

“Don’t,” I whimper.

But he doesn’t stop. There is no sense trying to coax him out of this anymore…because he won’t hear me. He’s too into the moment, and too psycho to care. I feel him enter me, and I squeeze my eyes shut, beginning to deal with a type of pain I never imagined was possible. All the punches and kicks to the stomach in the world can’t compare to this. This is…excruciating. Just as I think it can’t get worse…it does. He pushes further into me, and I cry out. It hurts…it burns. I feel like he’s tearing me apart. Hell, I could be bleeding…I dunno. Despite my cries, he still doesn’t stop. He’s moving in and out of me now…moving deeper and further inside of me with each forceful thrust. At one point, I can’t take it…and I try to push him off of me. But I’m so weak now…so exhausted from the crying and the yelling. The lack of food and water in my system isn’t helping either. I’m defenseless against him. The only thing I can do is wait until its over.

Then it ends, what seems like years later. I feel him end it with a kiss or two on my neck, and then he turns me over. He’s looking down upon me…this crazed look of compassion on his face. I’m hysterical. I’m crying like a five year old whose been told he can’t have the toy he wants most from Santa. I cover my face with my hands. I can’t even look at him. I can’t…I can’t stop thinking about what’s just happened…about what I let him do to me.

“Shh,” he hisses. “You’re okay. I promise…this is our secret.” He lifts my hands away from my face, and presses his lips into mine. I try to resist now. I want him off of me…away from me. I want to be alone…I want to cry until I pass out. But he still…he still won’t leave me be. His hands are fumbling around down there…with my…stuff. Then I feel it. Oh my god…this isn’t happening. Why is this happening?

I have an erection. I don’t think…I slap his hands away, not caring what he thinks about it. I’m not getting hard now…I’m not…I wont’ allow myself to. My god, what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I getting pleasure out of this? I’m not fucking gay…I’m not…

Right?

“Hey hey, easy,” he says gruffly. He brings his hands back to where they were, and I know better than to try to get them off of me again. “I’m not gonna hurt you…see?,” he smiles. “I can be good…when I want to be.”

“Stop touching me,” I demand. I sound pathetic. My voice is hardly audible anymore. “It’s gone on long enough.”

“Long enough?” He laughs a little. “Honey, I’m just getting started.”

I start to cry again…so hard that I can’t focus on what he’s doing to me…if he’s even touching me still. I wish he would shoot me…take me away from this pain. I’m a mess…an emotional, torn up mess. If by some grace of God I get out of this alive…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on and live my life. How will I function day to day…knowing that I had…sex with a man? Oh Jesus…this is insane. Maybe…maybe it’s all a dream. Maybe I’ve been so malnourished and shit, that my mind is playing games with me. I close my eyes, and open them again…

But everything is still the same.

“Do you know how beautiful you are?” I hear him say.

I feel pressure…down there. I don’t know what the hell he’s doing. I don’t want to fucking know. God…please help me….I swear, if you do, I’ll go to church every day for the rest of my life. I’m sorry I did all that shit to Kerri. I’m sorry I’m selfish and full of myself sometimes. I’ll do anything…anything…

“Shane!”

Somebody is banging on the door. It sounds like the prick. My eyes widen a little, and I pray that the prick is enough of a distraction to make the pervert get off of me.

“What!” he yells. “I told you not to bother me!”

“I can’t…I can’t deal with this woman!”

“I thought I told you to handle it,” the pervert barks. “Can’t you do anything on your own?”

“She’s askin’ too many questions Shane!,” he whines. “Come on…help me…please?”

The pervert…or I guess, ‘Shane‘, groans miserably. Then he moves up a little and gazes down at me. I want to close my eyes, but I don’t…because I know he’ll only make me open them again. I shudder. His eyes…they’re so dark…so evil.

“I gotta go baby,” he whispers, his expression full of regret. “But I’ll see you a little later okay?”

He kisses me, and cuffs one of my hands to the bedpost. I start to shake uncontrollably…I’m so cold. I’m still naked, but really…I’m too exhausted to say anything about it. I ache all over…especially…down there. It feels like somebody took a baseball bat to my ass. I can’t help but moan a little. I want it to stop…please make it stop…

“Behave,” is the last thing I hear him say. Then the room starts to tilt first one way and then the other. It‘s like I‘m strapped in a Tilt-A-Whirl ride going up and back and round and round. Slowly at first, but then we pick up speed. I’m helpless

Now everything is a blur, which is nice because I can just go with it, let it take me away. The room is spinning so fast…I can’t keep up with it.

And then the light is gone.

***************

After my episode in the closet, I used to get really bad nightmares whenever the light would go off at night. My mother was in a state of panic, so naturally, she talked my father into taking me to a child psychologist. I was only six, so I didn’t really understand why they took me to see some strange man. All I knew was that he had a gigantic Barbie dream house in his office…the one that my parents wouldn’t buy me. It was because of this that I practically begged them to take me there every week. I never knew how much his coaching about the dark and how to get my mind off of it would help me later in life…

It’s kept me alive in here. Well that and one other thing too. There’s this little white mouse scampering around in here. It’s freaking me out. I hate little creatures like that. They’re dirty, and carry all kinds of diseases. It’s the strangest little mouse though. It won’t crawl on me or anything. Every once in a while it will come around where I can see it, and just stare at me. It must be curious as to why I’ve so suddenly invaded its living space, and even more curious as to why I’m tied up like this. I wish it was one of those super mice who were smart enough to chew through tape and pick locks with their little paws. Hell, maybe it is. Oh little mouse…little mouse?

God, now I’m delusional.

I let my mind wander for a moment. I think about Justin. I wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking about. Is he alone? Is he with one of them? Did he get to talk to his mom or anybody? Is he freaking out because he doesn’t know where I am? I wish I could talk to him, like, send him some kind of telepathic message. But this isn’t a fuckin’ movie. People don’t do those things in real life. There isn’t a way to get a message to him. God, I hope Shane didn’t tell him I’m dead. At this stage, I have no idea how he would react. He’s already been through so much. He’s been punched and kicked, and fucked around with. And…

Then there’s that other thing.

I’m not sure what happened to Justin. I’ve been trying to figure it out since Shane locked me in here earlier. I just…I can’t put my finger on it. Justin…he seemed so withdrawn, and he didn’t want me to touch him or anything. He was so protective of himself…and when we were fighting, it was like he didn’t care what he said to me. That’s not how Justin is. Well, at least not the Justin I remember. Even if he did ‘fuck’ me, he would never have the guts to come out and tell me that. He’s too full of himself to admit that he treated me like a piece of trash. He’s got too much pride. My god, what the hell? As if this thing hasn’t made me confused enough…now my mind is filling with even more unanswerable questions.

We really need to get out of this mess.

It’s so dark. The walls are closing in around me again. My breath catches in my throat, and I start to panic. They’ve seemed to get closer and closer together as time has passed. Soon, I’ll probably be crushed. I sob. I don’t want to die in here…alone. If I do die, I want to be with Justin I want to see him smile one more time, and tell me that he still cares about me. I don’t think I would be so scared then, although, I would really want my mother and father to be with me too.

The shakes are back. I used to get them really bad when I was younger, but after my shrink prescribed me some medication they eventually wore off. I forgot how bad they would get. Right now…I’m shaking so hard, I can’t control myself. It’s probably good that I’m all tied up, because if I wasn’t, I would probably start thrashing around, and hurt myself. That happened when I was younger. I was at Justin’s house, and we were playing in his basement. Then he thought it would be cool if we shut the door. At first it was okay…but then he turned the light off, forgetting that ‘Kerri’s ascared of the dark’. Yeah, I freaked out and lost control of myself. I fell and hit my head. Then Lynn came running in with my mother, my mom totally overreacted and took me home, and Justin cried. My mother…she wouldn’t let me play with Justin for a week afterwards. Then Lynn sat down and had a long talk with her, because I guess…Justin wasn’t eating because he felt like everything was his fault.

And inevitably, the next day…I was at Justin’s house again.

I feel like I might vomit. It’s bad, because this tape over my mouth isn’t going to allow anything out. If I vomit, I’ll choke. I’ll die. I don’t want to die like this…on my own vomit…because of my own fucked up insecurity about the dark. I take a deep breath through my nose…two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve…

The feeling passes, and now, I’m just sweating like an animal. God, this is disgusting. I can’t wait to take a shower…but even then, I don’t think I’ll feel clean. I’m still cringing about sitting on that toilet, that I might get warts on my butt because of it or something. I don’t think I should have stopped seeing my shrink. Sitting here now, is making me realize that I’m more fucked up than I thought I was before this all happened. First things first…get out of her…get home…go to the zoo with Mary…make an appointment with a shrink…

Oh, and talk to Justin about…whatever they did to him. I know him. And I know if it’s really bad, he won’t want to talk about it with anybody. But he has to. If he doesn’t, it will only drive him more crazy than this whole thing has already made him. He’ll be a mess…and he can’t have the kind of career he does if he’s a mess. The press will eat him alive in interviews and shit. I know it. I’ve seen it happen to him. And in the entertainment business it’s a horrible thing to be ridiculed about your personal life.

I hear it again…that scratching outside the door. Somebody is here. I start to shake again. I know it’s either going to be Shane or Nathan, and…this time, they might be back to kill me. There’s a little hole in the corner of the shed, probably the mouse’s hole. It’s just big enough for me to be able to tell if it’s light out or not. I’m confused, because it seems like it‘s twilight. But then I haven’t been paying much attention to the hole since I‘ve been in here. It‘s been a long time since Shane locked me in here…hours and hours. For all I know, it could be well into the next day. My god, I haven’t slept at all. When they make me stand up, it’s going to hit me all too soon, and I’m not going to have any energy when and if the time comes to run from these bastards.

“Stop whining.” I hear Shane’s voice outside the door, and my eyes widen. I don’t want him to come in here. I don’t want him to push me around and tell me what to do. I’d rather just die. I’m tired of being controlled like some sort of slave. “You knew what was going down when we decided to do this.”

“It’s wrong.” Now I hear Nate’s voice. It means they are here together, and there is no way I’m getting away with both of them here. “You said…you said we were just going to fuck with ‘em. You never said anything about shooting somebody, Shane.”

“Do you want to go to jail? Do you…because if we don’t get rid of her, that’s what’s going to happen! I can take one, I can’t take them both…and she’s worthless to us. That‘s why I told you in the beginning, make sure he‘s alone…but no, you had to go and take them both. Dammit Nate…you should have shot her in the beginning.”

“I can‘t just…kill somebody Shane!”

It sounds like Nate is crying. That makes two of us. Regardless of what Nate says, it‘s not going to change Shane‘s mind. He came out here to kill me. It means that they’ve gotten the money, and now…they don’t need me anymore. What does that mean about Justin though? Are they going to let him go? No…because if that was the case they would be letting me go too. They’re…god…they’re taking him somewhere else. This can’t be happening. They can’t just…keep him. He’s a human being. God…so am I, and Shane is about to shoot me as if my life doesn’t’ even matter.

The door is thrust open. But Nate isn’t there now. It’s only Shane, and his gun.

“Hey, sweetness,” he smiles at me menacingly and steps inside the shed. I moan a little, and then, I lose control of my bladder. My pants are soaked with urine now, and my mind is racing…knowing that I’m about to be killed.

He crouches down beside me. “You sleep well?,” he whispers.

I close my eyes, and then I feel the barrel of the gun to my forehead. I start to think…about every important memory in my life. I think about the day Mary was flown in from Hungary. I think about the day that NSYNC got signed and how Justin‘s smile just wouldn’t go away.. I think about my mother and father sitting at the piano, singing Christmas carols together, like two love struck fools. I think about Siobhan and the way she can turn any situation into a hilarious story…how she’s made my college experience more enlightening than I’d ever imagined it to be.

I think about…that hot summer night on tour. How…Justin kissed me, and how I knew I was falling in love for the first time. And I realize I have no regrets in this life. I know that most every decision I’ve made, I made with my whole heart. Even when it came to Justin and what we did together. I’m still happy that it happened, that I got that chance to be so in love with somebody that I didn’t want to spend a single day without that person. And that it hurt like hell when we were apart.

I can die knowing that. I can die knowing…that I was loved, and will always be loved. Even when I’m gone.