I’ve always had a small anxiety problem when it comes to people getting too close to me. People that I don’t know anyway. It’s the fans mostly. When they hug me, I want it to end as quickly as it starts. I feel weird…having these girls touching me. I don’t know them, I don’t know where they’ve been. Maybe I’m just fuckin’ parranoid…I dunno. I’ve made some of them feel weird too I think. After Britney and I split I didn’t want to be touched at all. It got so extreme, that I would get nauseated if somebody I didn’t know touched me. My fans…I made a lot of them feel like shit that year. I would ignore them on the streets…I would make Tiny get them away from me. I didn’t want to be bothered with their ‘I love you’s’ and ‘You’re so great’s’. I wanted to be left alone for once in my life. But, I think I’ve changed a lot since then. This tour I did a bunch of meet and greets for my charity, and I felt that I was pretty decent to the girls. But what about now? If I had to do a show next week…what the hell would I do at the meet and greet? I wouldn’t want anybody near me…I wouldn’t want their arms around me. I wouldn’t want to feel their hands rubbing my back. Every touch…every smile and hug would remind me of Shane. I would lose my mind, but I would be obligated to do it…and it would turn into a mess all too quickly.

“Justin!”

I flinch, as I pinch Kerri’s skin with the pliers again. “I…I’m sorry,” I stutter.

The key never turned up. We looked everywhere too…well, everywhere except Shane and Nate’s dead bodies. Kerri wouldn’t let me go there, even though I told her I would do it for her. I’m grateful that she refused to let me do it though. If I had to…touch them, I think I would have ended up losing what little nerve I have left. As it is…my hands, they’re shaking and I can’t get them to stop. That’s why every time I try to snap this damn chain with the pliers I found, they keep pinching Kerri’s skin. The first few times it happened weren’t a big deal, but I know I’m starting to piss Kerri off now. It’s been awhile since I shot those two…at least an hour, and I still can’t steady my hands long enough to get a firm grip on this chain.

“Would you just calm down for a second,” Kerri says. “If you keep fuckin’ panicking we’ll never get out of here.”

“I’m not panicking,” I defend. “I’m just…my mind is shot right now.”

“Focus,” she grunts with annoyance. “Just fucking focus Justin!”

She’s yelling at me, and I know she doesn’t mean too. She’s aggravated…tired…miserable. So am I, probably more so than she is. I close my eyes for a moment, hoping it will help me to get a grip. But it’s not helping me. The darkness closes in around me, and then Shane is there…

“Stop it!” I scream. I open my eyes, and glance around, looking for any sign of Shane. I can’t let him get me…get us. I can’t let him touch me again. My gun…where is it? I reach into my pocket and let out a breath of relief when I feel my hand close around it.

Kerri glances over her shoulder, and sighs heavily. “What’s the matter?” she asks me. She turns around. “Justin…” She eyes the gun in my hand, and I see a sense of panic rise to her face. “Justin put the gun down. You don‘t need it now.”

But I can’t let it go. I’m afraid of what will happen if I do. Shane, he might not be dead. I mean, I never checked his pulse. He could very well be waiting around a corner…behind a door. Waiting for his chance. I’m not going to give in again…never again. “No,” I say quietly. I shove the gun back into my pocket and pick the pliers up from the floor. “It’s protecting us,” I tell her.

She is silent for a moment, and I turn her around to try and work the chain apart again. Then she says, “They’re dead, Justin. They aren’t coming back, okay? You don’t need a gun anymore.”

Kerri doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s too gullible…that’s her problem. She thinks that just because I shot Shane, it means that hes not going to hurt us anymore. Well…she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what the bastard is capable of. “I need it,” I say. My hands start to shake harder, and I bite down on my lip, willing them to stop. But they won’t. They’re out of control. I drop the pliers. “Dammit!” I yell. I run my trembling hands over my head…down my neck. Then I bring them out in front of me and watch them…

“What’s the matter with your hands?”

I look at Kerri. Shes standing there looking at me like I‘ve gone crazy. I don’t have an explanation for her though, so I just shrug. “I don’t know,” I whisper. “They…just won’t stop.” My bottom lip starts to tremble, and then…I just lose it. I fucking lose it. I’m sobbing…crying…wailing. Everything has started to hit me at once. My thoughts…they’re one big jumbled clump of everything that’s happened to me. I see Shane…I see that bed…that room. I smell him…the disgusting smell of his sweat and cologne. I feel his lips on my body…I feel…I feel that pain again…down below. I see Nate, the intense look of fear on his face right before I shot him. I hear the shot…I hear his scream.

“Justin…Justin calm down,” I hear Kerri say. “Just pull yourself together a little, and help me. Then I’ll help you okay?”

Her voice pulls me out of my horrible memories. I’m still crying, but now, I’m looking at her. I want her to hold me…she’s the only one I would let do that right now. But she can’t even do it. Her hands and arms, they’re unusable until I pull myself together and get those fucking handcuffs off of her. I force myself to stop crying for the moment. Then I pick up the pliers yet again. My hands are still trembling, but not as badly. I focus…I take the pliers to the chain, and start to work on it again. I don’t think, I barely breath. I just twist and pull and tug. And then…then it comes…

Immediately, I am wrapped up in her arms. It feels wonderful. I feel safe. Nothing can hurt me right now…not as long as she’s here. I sob a little, and bury my face in between her neck and shoulder. She rocks me a little, and starts to whisper in my ear. “I’m here,” she says. “I’m here and I’m not going to leave you. You’re safe okay? We’re safe Justin.”

It seems like years pass before I gain enough control of myself to look at her again. Her face is tearstained, but I guess I was crying so hard I couldn’t hear her sobbing along with me. She touches her hand to my face and caresses it gently.

“What happened to you?,” she whispers.

I wish like hell that I could tell her. I used to be able to tell Kerri everything that was going on with me…good or bad, and after this is all over, I think we’ll be able to regain part of the bond we used to share. But when it comes to talking about Shane…about the rape, I know I can’t tell her. I can’t tell anybody. Not Trace, not daddy, not momma. It’s too humiliating…too disgusting to share with anybody. I know they’ll point their fingers at me, accusing me of letting it happen. They’ll all tell me…I could have stopped him. Why couldn’t I have stopped him?

“This happened,” I say quickly. I clear my throat a little, and pull away from her. “You know, I’m just messed up right now.”

She nods, but I can tell she doesn’t believe me. “I’m messed up too,” she says. “But my hands aren’t shaking like that…I’m not the one who’s losing her mentality. I know there’s more to this, Justin. And if you don’t tell me…I don’t know who you’re going to be able to tell. I’m here, I’ve seen everything…I can understand.”

I take one of her hands and look deep into her eyes. I’m trying as hard as I can to be convincing right now. I want her to get this idea that there is something wrong with me out of her head. “I just shot two people,” I say to her. “You didn’t. Can you blame me for acting this way?”

She looks away from me. “I know you did,” she whispers. “I…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” I’m winning. She believes me. She doesn’t suspect. Good…good Justin. Keep going…keep lying. Maybe if you lie well enough, you’ll get yourself to believe that nothing ever happened. Maybe you can forget…let the memory fade away.

“I just want you to know,” she says to me. “If you need to talk about this stuff, I want you to get in touch with me…no matter where you are or where I am okay? Even if it’s five in the morning…I want you to.”

I nod, but in my heart I know I won’t call her to talk. If I’m having some kind of breakdown, which I’m sure I will…I’ll end up locking myself away from the world, from my friends and family. From anybody that cares. That’s what I do when I’m depressed. Britney is a perfect example. Soon after we broke it off, I locked myself inside my house. I wouldn’t answer the phone, or the doorbell. I would just lay in the middle of my bedroom, wondering how the hell I let the love of my life walk away from me. Eventually it got so bad, that Trace climbed into one of my windows and forced me back into civilization. He made me take a shower because I hadn’t bathed …and then he made me eat. This time I’ll be ready for a situation like that though. I’ll get in my car and check into some random motel if I have to. I’ll be alone if I want to be.

“Promise me,” she urges.

I don’t quite meet her gaze. “I promise.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Here come the acting skills again. I look into her eyes again, and kiss her on the forehead. “I promise Kerri,” I say with more force. “I’ll call you.”

She pulls me into another hug, but this time I don’t want her to. I don’t want to be touched anymore. Later, when we see everybody again, I’m going to have to put up with too much of it. Hell, I don’t even know how I’m going to react. My mom…she’s going to be the clingiest. What if I snap and push her or something? It’s not going to be good if that happens. I need to control myself.

I pull back from her. “Let’s get out of here,” I tell her. She nods in response, and tries to take my hand but I pull it away from her.

“Justin?”

I’m not going to lie to her this time. “I don’t want you to touch me anymore,” I say quickly.

She seems a little surprised, but then…she knows I’m not all there right now. “O--okay,” she says nervously. “I won’t if you don’t want me to.”

“It’s not you,” I reassure her. “I just need my space, Kerri.”

“I know that,” she tells me, as we begin to make our way out of the house. “Don’t worry about it anymore now. Let’s just get help okay?”

“Okay, Ker.”

Soon we are outside again. It’s dark now, and I don’t know how we are going to find our way through the woods in this darkness. But I don’t want to stay in that house another night. Especially with two dead bodies on the property. For a brief moment, I think about the ransom money…should we look for it? No. It doesn’t matter. The money, it’s dirty money. If somebody else finds it…good for them. I don’t want any part of it now. I just want to get home…and try to get on with my life. I’m sure Kerri does too.

But that’s going to be easier said than done.

*****************

I feel like we’ve been walking for twenty years. These woods are horrible. It’s so dark, and the brush is so thick, it’s hard to tell what direction we’re walking. I feel like we’ve past the same tree about a thousand times, but then I can’t really be sure…because everything looks the same. The tree branches hang down low from the trees, constantly brushing against my face and my arms. It hurts…the branches are sharp, and they dig into the scratches that are already there. My feet are freezing. I guess it must have rained, because the ground is soaked. Every so often I’ll accidentally step in a deep puddle, and more water will seep into my shoes. My shoes…they are those cheap white ones that you buy at Walmart for 5.99. I remember…I put them on to go outside because I saw Justin parked in front of my house. If I knew I was going to have to play Jane of the Jungle, I would have worn my Nike’s.

“Hey…hey wait,” I hear Justin say. His voice is weaker now than it’s ever been. I hear him cough violently. He’s not doing good…not at all. He has less energy than I do for some reason, and it’s weird because guys naturally have more energy than girls do. I think he might be coming down with something. I stop walking and turn to face him. He’s sitting against a tree, trying to catch his breath.

I sit down beside him, and nearly start to rub his shoulder, before I remember his no touching rule. I quickly draw my hand away. It’s the strangest thing…him not wanting to be touched by me. When he broke down in the house, it was all he seemed to want. I just don’t get it. I know something really traumatizing must have happened to him in that house. I’m starting to think…that one of them did something sexual to him, as crazy as it sounds. I shudder at the thought.

When Siobhan and I were sophomores, we got invited to this big fraternity party up in Yonkers. Normally, freshies and sophomores don’t get invites to stuff like that. You have to know somebody, or be sleeping with one of the brothers. But Siobhan’s cousin happened to be dating one of the brothers, so she got us in. I remember we were both excited, because it was our first really big college party. At first it was a lot of fun. There were so many people there, and so much to do. It reminded me of a few of the clubs I went to with Justin and the guys.

We met up with Siobhan’s cousin after awhile, and she introduced us around. I met this one guy, Drake. He was a business major, trying to get in with a prominent New York firm. He told me that he was from California, and had the tan and rock solid body to prove it. We spent the rest of the evening getting to know each other. He seemed really mature, like Justin. I think that’s why I took to him so well…why I started to like him. He bought me all kinds of drinks, and I didn’t even notice how much time had passed or how tipsy I was becoming until I found myself in his car. Then it hit me that I didn’t know where Siobhan was. I tried to get out of the car…but he didn’t want me to go. He tried to make me kiss him, but I didn’t want to. Lucky for me I wasn’t that drunk, and I managed to clock him one in the nose before getting out of the car. I never saw him again. When I think about it now, it scares me. If I’d been a little bit more gullible, I probably would have gotten raped by that asshole.

I don’t want to believe that one of those bastards was sick enough to do something like that to Justin. Stuff like that…it doesn’t happen to guys. It happens to women. Justin is strong too. He could have easily pushed either one of them off of him if they tried to…god…kiss him or something…

Unless…he had a gun to his head. God, I’m nauseated.

“You okay?” I ask him, knowing the answer already.

He shrugs and rubs his face with his hands. “I’m running out of gas,” he tells me. “I…I don’t know how much longer I can do this Ker.”

“Just a little further,” I insist. I figure, the further along we get, the closer we’ll be to civilization. I mean, there has to be an opening somewhere…to some road. This isn’t Yellowstone Park. These woods can’t be that big. “We must be close…we’ve been at it this for hours.”

“I dunno,” he says. “I’m…so tired,” he says. “I don’t want to move anymore. I just want to sleep.” He leans his head back against the tree trunk, and closes his eyes. “Just for a few minutes.”

I know I can’t let him fall asleep here. Even though we’re down south, it’s still pretty chilly out…the rain made the temperature drop. If he falls asleep, his body temperature will drop, then he’ll really be sick. “You can’t,” I say. “Not now. Justin…we have to keep going okay? We can’t stop now.”

He lifts his head to meet my gaze. “I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” I stand up and hold out my hand. “We’ve made it this far. Come on, I’ll help you.”

He starts to cough again. “I feel like shit,” he manages to say. “I’m not going to kill myself like this. Go if you want. I’m staying here.”

I reluctantly sit down again, knowing that he’s not going to follow me if I start to walk away. “I wouldn’t leave you behind,” I say to him.

He shifts away from me a little. “Look, I’m sorry okay? I’m just tired…and…weak. God, and my chest hurts. Well…maybe it’s my chest. Hell,” he runs his hands though his hair. “What am I saying?,” he chuckles a little. “Everything hurts me right now.”

“That’s why we need to keep moving,” I persist. “If we don’t get help, the pain isn’t going to get better. It’s just going to get worse.”

He looks at me with a tired expression. “And if we keep going, and don’t find help, what then? We’ll drain all of our energy and fuckin’ die. Do you want to die Kerri?,” he snaps.

I glare at him. Why does he have to be impossible right now? I don’t want to yell at him. He’s reached his last nerve and so have I. We don’t need to hate each other…we need to stick together right now. “We won’t die if you decide make a fuckin’ effort,” I say, trying to not lose my temper. I get up from the ground again. “Come on Justin. Let’s go.”

“No.”

What is he, five? Do I have to tell him I’m going to count to three? “Stop being so damn stubborn! Damn it, you’re not going to quit now!”

He won’t look at me. “I’ll quit if I want to,” he mutters. “I’m tired of everything. I didn’t ask for this. I worked my ass off all year…touring and shit. Where’s my payoff huh? Where’s my fuckin break?”

He’s not really directing his speech to me, but I’m so pissed off right now, I’m taking his comments to heart. “Your payoff is in the bank,” I snap at him. “Or is having millions of dollars not enough for you?”

“Don’t talk to me about money, bitch,” he grumbles. “My money is what brought us here in the first place.”

“Don’t talk to me that way,” I say.

“I’ll say what I want!” he yells. “You’re not my fuckin’ owner Kerri. Just because you’re not beat to a pulp, just because you’re body isn’t one big throbbing bruise, doesn’t give you the right to act like you’ve got all the clout here. If it wasn’t for my fucking money…you’d be dead now.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “You can fuckin thank me later.”

I hate him. I really do. “Fine,” I say. “Stay here and rot then. I’m going to get help.”

“Good!” he yells, once my back is turned. “Go get your fucking help Kerri! Go get lost! I don’t need you anymore!”

He’s crying. Yeah, Justin, you really don’t need me do you? Fuck, I don’t know what I should do. I know if we sit here long enough, Justin is going to fall asleep…and his energy will be gone. Then I won’t be able to get him up again. We’ll be stuck here. But if I go off on my own, he’ll be all by himself. He’ll get freaked out, and I don’t want to think about what condition he’ll be in when we come back to find him. Damn it. Will this ever end? “God dammit!” I scream.

His eyes widen, and he stares at me. I don’t think he was expecting that reaction from me. “Wha?”

“There isn’t a way out of this is there?,” I sob. “If I leave…you’ll be all alone. If I stay…we’ll both end up dead. What the hell Justin? What the hell am I supposed to do? You’re not helping me…and I can’t save us. This is all fucked up…all of it! It’s like…we’re not supposed to make it out of here alive.”

I hear the sound of birds chirping. It’s so weird. We’re in so much pain…we’ve just endured the weekend from hell, but yet, the world is still spinning. Birds are still chirping…life still goes on. It’s not fair. I want to chirp…I want to be happy. “I’d rather be a bird right now,” I say. I feel like I’m going insane. Hell, maybe I am. “At least that way I could fly away from here, and get help for us.”

“Ker…”

I start to pace back and forth. “I mean, I’m trying here,” I tell him. “I’m trying to keep my head straight, and help you and help me…and just get out of this. But it’s not happening…it’s just not…”

“Kerri!” Justin yells, interrupting my rambling.

I stop talking, and stare at him. “What now!” I yell.

“Look.” He points somewhere behind me.

I turn around. It’s a little lighter now…nearly dawn. I squint a little bit. I rub my eyes. There is a patch of land a few feet away, with some kind of race track built on it. There are little jumps, and hills, and tires and things. What is it? Am I seeing things? “Justin…”

I feel him behind me. “It’s a dirt bike pit,” he whispers. “Trace and I used to make them in the woods behind the house…and we wouldn’t let you come with us, remember?”

I remember. I used to get so mad at them when they would ditch me. I wanted to go with them, but I didn’t have a dirt bike, and my mother refused to let me have one. I remember…I would sit on my porch and mope until Trace and Justin got back from their adventures. Justin though…he would always pick me dandelions to make up for it. “I remember,” I say quietly.

“There has to be a house around here,” he says to me. “It can’t be that far.”

I meet his gaze. “You think?”

“I’m positive,” he tells me. For the first time since we left the house, he takes my hand. His hand is clammy, and it’s trembling…but I hold onto it anyway. “Kerri, I really didn‘t mean to--” he starts to say, probably wanting to apologize for the fighting.

“Shh,” I hush him. “No explanations right now okay? Let’s just go…we’ll talk later.”

He seems happy that I’ve said this to him, and I see a small smile appear on his face…but it quickly fades away. I lead him forward and we make our way across the dirt bike track. It looks like it gets a lot of use, and I feel a new sense of hope take over me. We’re going to make it. We’re going to survive…go home…see our loved ones again. I glance at Justin, hoping his face is filled with the same sense of hope I’m feeling. But it’s not. He looks just as exhausted and confused as he did before.

We break through another set of trees…and then I see it. There is a little white house a few feet away. There’s a pool and a swing set and a clothesline. There are people in there…a family. A family that has no idea of the terror that took place just miles from their home. I wonder what they’re like…what they do to make a living. Are they rich…are they poor? Are they happy with their existence? I guess we’ll find out.

“It looks safe,” Justin says. “Right?”

“They have kids,” I point out. “You can’t get much safer than that.”

He seems confident in my answer, and it’s not long before I find myself walking up the back porch steps, Justin close behind me. I raise my fist to knock on the door, but then I remember…it’s probably not even six yet. Everybody in that house is still sleeping. I feel bad about waking them…about dragging them all into our nightmare. But really…what other choice do I have?

“Go ahead,” Justin says.

I chew on my lip nervously as I knock on the screen door. I don’t really know what or who to expect. After a moment, I hear footsteps, and then I hear somebody fumbling with the doorknob. I hold my breath. God, I hope whoever it is doesn’t think we’re a couple of homeless freaks…

The inner door slowly opens, and I when I see who‘s opened it, I can‘t help but smile a little bit. There is a little boy standing there, and I know he can’t be much older than Mary. He has his teddy shoved under one arm, and his thumb shoved in his mouth. He’s adorable too…I almost want to squeeze him. It would fill me with a warmth I haven’t felt in days.

“Hey, buddy,” Justin says softly. “We wake you up?”

He nods, but doesn’t take his thumb out of his mouth. He looks a little scared, but that’s natural. This is his house…it’s the middle of the night, and there are two strange people standing at the door.

“Brian…”

My eyes widen at the woman’s voice. I’m guessing it’s the child’s mother, but I can’t be sure. A few seconds later a woman appears behind him. Her hair is done up in curlers, and her night mask is still smeared all over her face. She doesn’t even notice us at first. “Brian…what are you doing out of…”

Then she sees us. Her eyes get wide…she’s scared. She probably thinks we’re a couple of freaks that want to kidnap her son. Sorry lady…the people you want are shot and bleeding a few miles back.

“Craig!” she screams. She draws the little boy closer to her, and he starts to cry. “Craig get out here!”

I don’t know what to do. We aren’t criminals…we’ve been kidnapped and we’re trying to find help. But if I tell her that, I know she won’t want to listen to me. I’m sure living out in the boondocks like this has made her wary about people knocking on her door unannounced.

“Hang on.” Justin forces himself past me and stands in front of me. “We’re not gonna hurt you, ma‘am. We just need some help.”

For the first time in a long time, it dawns on me that Justin isn’t just some guy. He’s a celebrity. That’s why he pushed in front of me…he’s hoping this lady will recognize him. But she doesn’t, probably because it‘s so early in the morning and Justin is beat up past recognition. She continues to stare at us, like we’re the scum of the earth. “My husband has a rifle, and a license to use it,“ she grunts. “So, get off our property, and stay away from my kids.”

“Damn it Caroline!” A mans voice bellows from somewhere in the house. “You’ll wake the heavens with that tone of yours!”

A man appears at the doorway a moment later, still in his pajamas. My vision is blurred by my tears now, and I feel them start to crawl down my face. What else could possibly go wrong? I know…this guy will get his rifle and kill us before he knows the whole story.

The man opens the screen door and stands in-between us and his wife and son. “What’s this all about,” he asks us. “It’s damn near six in the morning. What the hell are you kids doing here?”

“We were kidnapped, sir,” Justin provides. “We’ve been walking all night.”

Justin is so professional when it comes to dealing with people. Even now, even though he’s been through hell and back, he can still address this guy as ‘sir‘, and speak in a calm, rational tone. I have to commend him. Even if I was famous, and used to dealing with people all the time…I still don’t think I could be as calm as he’s being right now.

The man studies us for a few moments, before speaking again. “Well son, you certainly look like you‘ve been through something.”

Justin nods. “Yes sir.”

“Caroline,” he calls back to his wife. “Go call the police.”

I swallow hard. “Please don’t call the police on us,” I plead with him. “We didn’t do anything.” I start to cry, and I feel Justin pull me close to him. “I just want to go home okay?”

“I’m getting you two help,” the man smiles. “You’re just fine. You‘re safe here.”

I can’t answer him. I can barely hear what he’s saying. I’m too busy sobbing into Justin’s chest.

“Sorry about her,” I hear Justin say. “We’ve been through…a lot.”

I look at him. When did the tables turn? When did he become the strong one again? I’m so confused…and so tired. I just want to go home…right now.

“Let’s get you two inside,” the man says. “I’ll have Caroline fix you up some food, and you can call whoever you need to.”

Justin nods, and drapes an arm over my shoulder. “Thanks…thanks a lot. We really appreciate it.” He sticks out a dirty hand for the man to shake. “I’m Justin…and this is my best friend Kerri.”

“Craig Tripton.” The man shakes Justin’s hand and leads us into his home. “Sorry about the wife,” he chuckles lightly. “Living out here can be kind of nerve wracking. She’s trying to convince me to move to Nashville next year, but I don’t know. I like the wilderness…it’s nice and quiet. My boys like it too. Seems the only one on my wife’s side is my oldest, Shelly.”

The house is so clean…so homey. A world away from that disgusting excuse for a house…a world away from that damn basement. I take a seat at the kitchen table, and bury my face in my hands. Then I start to cry again, the fact that we are finally safe…that the nightmare is finally over being almost too much for me to bear. I feel Justin’s hand on my shoulder, and I grab hold of it. “We’re okay,” I say after a moment. It’s more of a question than a statement.

He gives my hand a squeeze. “We’re okay Kerri.”

************

After the initial shock of seeing two shabby looking people standing at her door passed, Mrs. Tripton turned out to be one of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever met. She wouldn’t stop apologizing about the whole gun thing, until her husband told her to. I insisted it wasn’t a big deal, that we’d been through a lot and understood that our situation was a lot to spring on somebody at five thirty in the morning. I’ve thanked her for her graciousness repeatedly, and I’m hoping that it cures her of her insecurities. She didn’t do anything but try to protect her family. Lord knows, Kerri and I would have done the same thing.

It’s still early…only six forty five. Mrs. Tripton phoned the police a little while ago and I talked to them for a few minutes. I would have had Kerri talk too, but she fell asleep on this little sofa in the den. I don’t think she meant to. That little boy…Brian…he came running in and started tugging at her hand. So Kerri went into the other room with him. Brian reminds me a lot of Jonathan when he was little. He would always wake up at ungodly hours of the morning, wanting to watch cartoons.

When I first explained to the police who I was, and what happened, they seemed flabbergasted. The Sheriff said ‘Boy, do you know how many people are looking for you two?’. I explained to him that I didn’t have any idea…that I only found out where I was a little while ago, and that I hadn’t been able to watch any kind of news broadcasts. It turns out, my mother dropped the ransom, and then drove to another location where she was supposed to meet me. But I wasn’t there. The Sheriff told me the FBI was already involved, unbeknownst to our captors …so when Kerri and I didn’t turn up, that gave them the green light to send the news out there that we were missing. Apparently, my hometown has been a media circus since last night. This is bad. The last thing I need…the last thing Kerri needs, is to be harassed by the press upon our return home. I guess it was inevitable though…the news was going to get out eventually.

Craig told me that we are in Corinth, Mississippi, which is right on the border of Tennessee. It’s about five hours from Millington, and I’m not surprised how far away we are, because that first day…we were riding around in cars for about that long. I still haven’t called my mother, or anybody yet. I have the phone in my hand…I’m staring at it, ready to dial…but I’m almost scared to. I’m afraid I’ll hear my mothers voice and I’ll end up having a nervous breakdown. But I don’t want to keep her wondering anymore. She’s probably an even bigger mess now than she was when this whole thing started. If I don’t call her, she’s going to get worse. I steal a glance into the den to check on Kerri one more time. She’s still sleeping, and Brian…he’s still watching his cartoons. He spots me a waves a little, and I smile a little and wave back. Then I click the phone on…and dial my mother’s house number.

The phone doesn’t complete it’s first ring before somebody picks up. “Hello?”

It’s Trace. I almost start to sob, but I manage to stay in control for the time being. “Trace,” I get out. “Hey…it’s Justin.”

Silence.

“Trace, are you there?”

“I’m here,” he says quickly. “Are those men still with you?”

“No,” I reply. “I got out of there.”

“Jesus,” he says. “You have no idea…we thought…we thought you were dead, Justin. Your mom…she fainted and all. I’ve been trying to keep things in order around here, with the press and everything, but it’s been real hard Justin. They‘ve been camped out in front of your mom‘s since about seven o‘clock last night.”

I nod, as if he can see me. “Thank you,” I whisper. “I know you’re doing whatever you can, Trace.”

“You shouldn‘t be saying thank you. You would have done the same thing, if all this happened to me,” he says.

He’s right. If he and Kerri had gotten kidnapped, I would have done anything to get them out of it…no questions asked. That’s what friends are for I guess. And I’m realizing now, that I have the best friends anybody could ask for.

“Where are you, anyway?” he asks after a moment.

“Um…we’re in Mississippi,” I tell him. “Right on the border though, about five hours from Millington. We found a house and people to help us. The police station is pretty far from here though…they said they’d be here in an hour or two.”

“A fuckin hour?” Trace yells. “Dude you’re not some hick…don’t these people know who you are? Tell them to forget it, we’ll have the feds come out there.”

I suck in a breath. “Trace, I’m not going to be egotistical right now. I’m thankful to be alive okay? Christ, I almost…I almost died.” I can’t help but let a sob escape me.

More silence follows. I take the time to wipe the tears out of my eyes. I wish I knew what was running through his head right now. I’m sure he’s messed up…not as much as Kerri and I are of course, but messed up all the same.

“I’m sorry,” he says finally. “I’m…I’ve just been so worried. Everybody has…,” his voice trails off. “Um…is, is Kerri okay?,” he whispers, sounding like he’s afraid to hear the answer.

For the first time I realize that she didn’t get to talk to anybody the entire time we were stuck in that place. Trace is as close to Kerri friendship wise, as I am. This whole time, he had no idea how she was or anything. I realize that I need to get her on the phone. I get up from the chair, wincing as I do so. The pain has settled in since I’ve been here, and now everything hurts worse than it did before. “She’s okay,” I say. “She’s asleep…but I’ll wake her…”

“No,” he says gruffly. “Let her sleep if she’s sleepin. I’ll just…get your mom okay?”

“Oh,” I say. “Okay.”

“You’re my best friend Justin,” he tells me sadly. “And my god…when I thought you were dead, I felt like part of me died with you. I just…I’m so thankful. I would say I love you,” he chuckles a bit. “But you might think I’m gay or something.”

Gay. I shudder at the word, but I’m not about to let my emotions be heard over the phone. “I already thought you were…gay,” I try and kid, but really…I just sound more miserable as the joke comes out of my mouth.

“I’ll see you soon,” he says. “Tell Kerri I love her okay?”

“I will.” I’m glad Trace has been able to keep somewhat calm, but he’s never really been the type to flip out over anything. Only when it comes to somebody fucking around with his girl or something to those extremes. God knows, I’m eccentric enough for the both of us. “Here’s your mom.”

I hear the shuffle of his feet across what I’m pretty sure is the kitchen floor. Then I hear him say, very softly. “Lynn, they’re alive.”

“Oh my god.” My mother sounds shocked, and I hold my breath as I wait for her to come on the line. I hear her ask him how he knows, and I guess Trace handed her the phone because the next thing I hear is, “Justin?”

“Hi, momma,” I manage. “I love you.”

She starts to sob almost immediately. I wish she wouldn’t, because she’s going to make me cry along with her. “Momma,” I say weakly. “Momma please don’t cry. I’m okay, and so is Kerri…we got out of there. The Sheriff is on his way now, and I guess…he’s going to bring us back or something.”

“I…I didn’t know what to do,” she tells me. “After I gave them the money, I went to the place that they said to go…but all we found was your car. They had a search…they brought dogs and the whole community came out, but we still couldn’t find you. I just…I thought you might have been killed. Trace was something else,” she says, still trying to control her sobbing. “He’s been with me this entire time. He’s been keeping what little hope I had, alive. Justin, I love you very much…very, very much. Anything I did this year to make you stressed, or insecure…I want you to know that I never meant to do it. Sometimes I get so caught up in this business--”

“Mom,” I say. I don’t know why she’s apologizing right now. She didn’t do anything. She takes care of me…my career. Sure, sometimes things suck and I get all freaked out and upset, but it’s not her fault. I wonder if Trace opened up to her about the stuff I’ve told him. I hope not. I told Trace that stuff about my mom in confidence. God, I don’t want to think about this stuff right now…I just want to settle in…talk to my mom…eat a ton of food. “It’s okay,” I say finally. “Don’t apologize to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. Look…I’m gonna be home in a little while and then…we can cry and talk and all that stuff. I just need to get my head together before then okay?”

“Of course,” she sniffles. “Can Kerri talk? Her mother is just in the other room.”

“Um…she’s sleeping,” I say. I walk into the den, and take seat in the overstuffed chair adjacent to the sofa. She doesn’t wake…she doesn’t stir. She’s in a deep sleep. “I’d try to wake her,” I chuckle. “But I don’t think she’s gonna want to wake up, mom.”

“Oh, I see,” my mother says. “Well, have her call here when she wakes up okay? And give me the number there…I don’t know what Tiny or the FBI will want to do. Don’t go anywhere with that Sheriff…this isn’t his matter okay? We have our own detective for your case, and I’m sure he’ll want to go and question you and Kerri and whoever else is there right now.”

“Okay, momma,” I say softly, barely paying attention to her rambling. Right now…it’s hit me that Cam is probably sitting at home, watching the news for any kind of reports about me. I’m sure Trace has been keeping in contact with her though…in secret. I should have asked him about Cam. I need to call her, like…right now. “Listen,” I say. “They’re making some food, and I hate run off like this…but I’m starving.”

“Oh…of course, you must be,” she says sadly. “You go and eat. Can you just put whoever owns the house on the phone for a minute? I just want thank them.”

I sigh. “Sure.” I hope they have more than one phone line here. I know my mother. She’s going to talk these people’s ears off. I love her though. And I’m really glad I’m going to get to go home and hug her and talk to her again. “I love you,” I say one last time, before venturing down the hall to find Craig.

“I love you too, honey.”

I put my hand over the receiver, and make my way down the hall. I pass the bathroom…I can hear the shower running, and I‘m guessing Craig is in there. I venture a little further down and I pass by a bedroom. I smile when I see Mrs. Tripton standing there, trying to coax another small boy out of his bed. He tosses and turns and groans. Ah, the joys of getting up for school. “Um, excuse me ma’am,” I say.

She looks over at me. “Oh, hello dear,” she says. “Sorry I haven’t started breakfast yet…I know you kids must be half starved. But believe me when I say, getting these children out of bed is a project in itself, and Craig doesn’t cook. Feel free to help yourself to whatever you need though, and after…I’ll try to fix those nasty cuts on your face. My dear god, how did you ever get so banged up?”

I swallow hard. “Thank you. I um…just had a few falls,” I lie. “My mom is on the phone. She just wants to say hi, and thank y’all for your hospitality.”

“Oh, of course,” she smiles and takes the phone from me. “I’ll be just a few minutes,” she tells me, before greeting my mother with a warm hello.

I smile as I leave the room, knowing that Mrs. Tripton will be able to give my mother the reassurance she needs before I’m able to go home. I start down the hallway again, but stop halfway when I hear it…music. It’s coming from behind a closed door…and as I lean closer, I realize exactly what song it is.

Whoever is behind that door, is obviously going to know who I am the moment they see me. I’m a little nervous. I really don’t want one of my fans to see me this way. Maybe I’ll get lucky and it will just be the radio…yeah. Then the door opens, and my heart sinks. There are NSYNC posters everywhere. I’m a little surprised Craig and his wife haven’t recognized me yet, but then…I’m so banged up that they probably couldn’t tell who I am.

There is a teenage girl, probably about sixteen or seventeen, standing before me. I’m assuming that it’s Shelly…the daughter Craig mentioned to me before. She’s staring at me…just staring. She knows who I am…exactly who I am. And she’s shocked beyond belief. “Hi,” I say softly.

“Justin?” She rubs her eyes a little, and glances at one of the posters on her wall before looking back at me. “No,” she laughs. “That’s not possible.” She waves her hand at me and walks past me. Then she stops, and I snort out a laugh as she turns back around.

“Wait a second.” She points a finger at me. “You look just like him. Am I having that dream again?,” she asks. “I mean, because I’ve had it before.”

I shrug. “I wish I could tell you it was,” I say. “I wish this was all a dream.”

“But you’re so…dirty and beat up,” she says, scrunching up her nose. “What happened?”

This is very, very odd. I’ve never been in such a personal situation with a fan before, aside from the time I fucked that girl in Cinci…okay lets not go there. “I got into some trouble,” I nod. “Your folks have been nice enough to help me out.” I peer into her room again and smile a little. “Nice collection,” I say.

“Oh my god,” she says, her eyes getting wider. “Oh my god so you are…you are Justin?”

I laugh. It feels good to laugh, to be able to pull myself away from the nightmare for a few moments. “Yeah,” I tell her. “Sorry about the short notice.”

“It’s okay,” she laughs nervously. “I’m Shelly.”

I shake her hand quickly, and draw it away from her. “It’s nice to meet you.”

She looks at me some more, as if she’s trying to be absolutely certain that I am who I say I am. “Those must hurt,” she says, pointing to my bruises. “You want me to help you? I know my mom is going to be tied up with the twins for awhile.”

I shrug. I think it’s sweet of her to offer, but I feel funny about having her touch me, even though I can tell she’s a sweetheart. I’ll have to do something, I realize. Like…give her some kind of backstage access to one of my tours or whatever. It’s the least I could do. “Um, maybe in a bit,” I nod. “I just have to make a phone call, but your mom is on the phone. Do y’all have an extra line?”

“Oh okay,” she says, with slight disappointment. “Well…I have my own line. I just got it. My parents were getting tired of me always tying up theirs.” She giggles a little. “You can sit in my room if you want to.”

“You sure you don’t mind?” I ask. “Because I mean…I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I just need some privacy. I don’t want to lock you out of your room.”

“Oh I don’t care,” she says. “With all of this going on, there is no way I’m going to school today anyway. Use my shrine, as if its your own.”

I smile. She’s a funny kid. “Thanks, girl.”

“My pleasure. This is amazing!” she squeals, before walking down the hallway.

I walk into the NSYNC shrine, and push the door closed, making sure to lock it. I glance around, and can’t help but smile. Each and every picture on her wall brings back a different memory of me and the guys. I realize I really haven’t been calling them as much as I should be. I wonder if they know what’s happened…I’m sure they must by now. Trace is good like that…at calling people. I wonder when I’ll be able to see them, any of them. And when I do…what is it going to be like?

I sit down on the bed, and pick up the ‘NSYNC phone’. Damn, after everything I’ve been through, the last place I imagined to find myself was in a room plastered with my face. It’s so weird how things turn out sometimes. I dial my home phone number, almost positive that Cameron will be there. She said she was bringing the rest of her stuff over this weekend, and that she was going to ‘straighten up’. She’s crazy, I swear. I mean, I have a cleaning lady for that kind of stuff. The phone rings once…twice…

“Hello?” The female voice on the other end of the line sounds miserable, stuffy…like she’s been crying for a long time.

“Cam?” I say gently. “Babe, it’s me.”

“Oh my god,” she gasps. “Justin?”

“Yeah,” I say, allowing myself to let some of my emotions out. I don’t mind crying on the phone with Cam. She understands, and I know she won’t be brought down by it. “It’s me,” I sob. “I…I didn’t know if you talked to Trace or whatever…”

“Yeah,” she says quickly. “Yeah…he called me like ten minutes ago,” she says. “He said you were safe. Baby, I was so worried. Are you okay?”

“I’m in one piece, if that means anything,” I tell her. “God, all I want to do is hold you,” I tell her. “But I don’t know when I’ll get to do that, Cam. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to get all the police crap out of the way. Damn, baby…I’m really sorry. I was gonna come home and surprise you. I booked us two tickets to Hawaii. We were supposed to leave tomorrow.” I shake my head. Damn it…I’m so fucking pissed. It was supposed to be one of those vacations you take, where you find out exactly where your relationship is going. It was going to be so awesome, and now it’s totally ruined.

“Justin…you’re safe, that in itself means more to me than any romantic getaway to Hawaii okay? We can go anytime, my god…don’t think that way anymore. You’re too important to me Justin. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking Justin, a lot…since we parted ways in Baltimore. I don’t think this relationship is just some random fling, Justin. I really think that I care about you…more than any other guy I’ve ever been with. I know it, because when Trace told me about the kidnapping, I couldn’t function. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat. All I could do was think about you, and the hell you were going through. God,” she sobs. “I can’t even imagine…you must feel horrible.”

“You have no idea,” I say softly. “I thought about you a lot in there,” I tell her. “I wanted to be with you so badly, Cam. I’m so glad…that I’ll be able to see you again.” I catch myself in a half smile, and I wipe the tears from my eyes. “Can you come out here?,” I ask her, even though I don’t know things will go once she meets my family and such. That’s a big step…especially right now. But I know I need her. I know my mother is going to drive me crazy with questions and bombard me with hugs and kisses like I’m five years old. Trace will be around of course, but there’s a big difference between Trace and Cameron.

“I was going to ask you if you wanted me to,” she tells me. “With your mom and everything, I wasn’t sure if it was the best time for me to show myself.”

“Aw babe,” I say. “You’re a part of my life. I want you to be here with me. My mom will understand. She’ll probably love you actually. She’ll just be mad at me because I didn’t tell her. Call Trace and tell him you need the jet…I really want you to come down okay?”

I can hear her smile. “Okay,” she whispers. “Um, there’s just one other thing.”

“What’s that?” I say, leaning over to glance at a picture of myself on Shelly’s nightstand. It’s some magazine cutout. Damn, I don’t know what I was thinking when I had that fro. I pick it up, to examine my hair more closely. Then my eyes widen. I can see a girl in the background. Damn…it’s fuckin Kerri.

“I just…Trace told me that your friend was taken along with you,” Cameron says softly. “Some girl named Kerri? Justin, he told me that you grew up together…that you had this long, weird relationship going on for awhile. You never told me about her.”

I knew this was going to happen. I’m not really in the mood to sit on the phone and retell my history with Kerri right now though. My stomach is growling, and now…I can smell bacon frying. God. I need to eat. “I was gonna tell you,” I say, leaning back into the pillows. “We had a big falling out about three years ago. It was really devastating, okay? I’m sorry…I know I should have said something. I guess I just had a lot on my mind before I left. I was nervous about seeing her again and stuff. But really, it’s fine. She’s fine, and I dunno…I think we might be able to be friends now. But that’s as far as it’s going to go.”

Cameron laughs a little. “Justin you don’t need to explain yourself to me. I just…want to know about who your friends are and everything. I’d really like to meet her…if that isn’t too much trouble.”

I don’t want to make Cam any promises. I mean, I don’t care if she meets Kerri, that’s fine with me. But I don’t know if Kerri will want to meet her. Hell, I don’t even know if Kerri will want anything to do with me after we get settled and back to our normal routines. Knowing her, she’ll probably high tail it back to New York, and tell Siobhan what a horrible prick I am. Damn, I can’t stand that girl either…Siobhan. Since the day I met her…all she’s done is kissed my ass. I hate people like that. “Sure you can meet her,” I say, forgetting to include ‘if she wants to meet you’, in there.

“Great,” she says. “Have you eaten?”

“I’m about to,” I tell her. “These people we found are really great. They’re taking good care of us. And whatever they’re cooking smells awesome. Can I call you a little later?”

“Sure,” she says, a little regretfully. “I’ll keep my phone on for you.”

“Okay, baby,” I smile. “It’s great to hear your voice. I have so much more to tell you…I can‘t wait until you’re here with me.”

“I can‘t wait to see you,” she says. “Take care of yourself until I get there though, okay?”

“I will. Bye Cam.” I hang up. I feel a little bit renewed. Hearing Cam’s reassuring tone, has put my mind at ease a little. I still feel like hell, and I know that everything that happened to me is going to come rushing back to me all too soon. But right now…at this moment, I feel better. I feel like everything is going to be okay…that Cam is going to come and make me feel like nothing ever happened. We’ll kiss…we’ll have sex, and Shane…the rape, it will all be a distant memory. I mean, really…it wasn’t that big of a deal. He did it to me because he was sick, and I was too weak to stop him. It was just a rape…just rape. Rape isn’t that big of a deal.

It wasn’t like I wanted it…

At least, I’m pretty sure I didn’t want it.