Four hours later I find myself nowhere closer to the comfort and safety of my house than I did when I was first welcomed into the store. Everything is so big and high tech, and I have no patience to sit here and compare the benefits of plasma over LCD. Just give me a fucking TV, that would be great. But I can't have an attitude like that of course. It seems that the store manager of Best Buy decided to invite all the suits from corporate here today for my visit. I was kind of pissed but I didn't let it show. I mean, he doesn't know how fucking unbalanced I am. And I'm sure me being here makes his store look really good. He's probably got kids to feed and shit, so who am I to deny him that bonus I know he'll be receiving in his check?
The best part of this whole day was probably the ride down here. It was good to talk to Eric for a little while. I hadn't realized that I missed him, even though he'd been with me at my dad's for those few months. I guess I grew more attached to him than I thought...but that's not a surprise. He's like the only friend I have, and the sad thing about that is, I pay him to stick around. I know he respects me and my family, but I'm positive he wouldn't stay around for half of this shit if he wasn't getting generously compensated. The same thing goes for Melanie. I still have yet to find out how much my mom is paying her, but it's gotta be a shit load. Otherwise, she'd be long gone by now.
Speaking of Melanie, she's been acting a little weird today. Not that she's ever normal...not that we ever get along all that well. But...it's just this feeling I have. Ever since we got here, she hasn't looked me in the eye once. Every time I looked over at her, she'd turn around or look up at the ceiling or something. Hell, maybe she's just nervous about all of this. Yeah, that might be it. But on the other hand, I know how she is, and I guess a good part of me had been expecting her to be by my side today...helping me pick my shit out...
But damn it, she's not Kerri.
I hate to admit that too, but ever since that night...that I broke that shit, that's who I've been comparing her to. In a way, she's kind of like Kerri. Well, the Kerri I knew before everything got all fucked up. She's there when I need her and she gives me advice. But it's only because she's obligated to. Kerri wasn't obligated...she just cared. She cared, and I stopped caring...but she never did. I just...the more I think I about it the more I wish I'd just pushed her away from the beginning. When she came to see me in the clinic I could have just as easily told her to fly back to New York. I could have told her I didn't need her. Sure, I would have come off like a bastard...but she'd be okay. The accident...me beating the shit out of her...none of that would have happened. Sometimes I think I view Mel as sort of a second chance. Like, if I behave and treat her with some kind of respect I'll be forgiven for what I did. But I don't even talk to Kerri so I don't see how that idea is valid. Fuck, I don't know. I think having a woman around is turning me into more of a weirdo. But its not like I can talk to anybody about that...because nobody really knows the truth about what happened to Kerri.
And they won't, unless she decides to say something.
Although, I did promise to explain a few things about myself to Mel later on. Of course I'm kicking myself for it now, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to say. She...I dunno...she seemed to really care about what's been going on. So I just let it slip, so she'd drop the subject. Of course now, I'm trapped. I'm going to have to tell her something later on or she'll spring that ‘I'm calling your mother' routine on me. That's getting old and lame too. One of these days I'm going to tell her I don't care what she tells my mother. But that will be a mistake too...because...because if my mother even had an inkling of what's been happening she'd freak out, pay Madison to come live with us in Tennessee, and lock me in a rubber room until I was ready to rejoin society.
"So what do you think?" The manager guy, Jim, smiles and points to the entertainment center he just pulled together for me on his special computer.
I glance at the screen. I'm sorry to say I haven't been paying attention to a damn thing for the last twenty minutes or so. There are people milling around this private room now. It's a mixture of staff and suits who want a photo op with me. Eric warned me about an hour into this that they'd pulled him aside and discussed getting a meeting with me later on. I didn't want a problem, so I just said I'd do it. Of course I don't really want to. They're probably going to want to shake my hand and pat me on the back or something. I'll cringe. I'll probably go back home and puke my brains out. But I can't go back on my word. Fuck...how do I always get roped into this shit?
It must be because I'm such a "nice" guy.
"Yeah, that's perfect." I flash him a fake smile and hand him my credit card, just so he'll get out of my face. I really have no idea what I'm about to purchase, but it's not like it matters. Nothing really matters anymore. It's not like I can't afford it, so whatever.
"Great," Jim smiles. "I'll be right back with your bill and stuff. Do you need a drink?"
I'd love a beer. "No I'm good." I nod. "Thanks."
Jim smiles again and excitedly hurries off. I take another quick glance at the screen and I finally realize just why it is that he's so excited. There's a lot of zeros after that number two. I shake my head. Yeah, I probably should have been paying more attention. I don't even know what a thermal signal conductor is.
"It's a good thing you've got money." Melanie, who up until now had disappeared into the store somewhere, sits down beside me with a Soap Opera Digest in hand. She gives me a pathetic look and shakes her head. "Do you even know what you bought?"
I look at the floor. "Of course I do."
"Hmmph."
"Well if you're so damn smart, you tell me what it is then," I snap, a little regretfully. I don't look at her after, and I bite down on my bottom lip.
"You can't let everybody in the world take advantage of you," she responds as she flips open her magazine. "You'll be broke in a year."
I hate that she's sitting here treating me like I'm some kind of airhead. I mean, I've been to this store before, and the people that work here are reliable. Sure, the guy probably stuck a few things on there that I wouldn't even need in a nuclear holocaust but whatever...if I really had a problem with that I could tell him to start over again. "Nobody took advantage of me," I grunt. "I wanted a new system, and I got one."
"Oh yeah?" She drops the magazine on the floor and peers at the computer screen. "You realize you spent six thousand dollars on speakers right?"
I don't look at her. "So?"
"What do you need six thousand dollar speakers for?"
I feel the rage start to build up inside of me. If it wasn't for the fact that Eric is standing in earshot of our conversation I probably would have been screaming at her by this point. "I'm entitled," I reply, smugly. "I know you little people are satisfied with your crappy old hundred dollar speakers, but I can afford the best. So I'll have the best."
"What?" She shakes her head in disbelief. "Little people? You've lost it."
"Well stop being a bitch then."
Now she's pissed. She's got that look on her face that she only gets when I say something really fucking stupid. And yes, I admit...now is one of those times. "You're lucky we're in public, or I'd totally rip you a new one."
Before I can think of a snappy comeback, Jim returns with the paperwork. Then Melanie tells me to call her when I‘m really ready to leave, and walks off in a huff. What the hell? I don't understand that girl. One minute she‘s telling me that I have to try to be better...and the next minute she‘s arguing with me over stupid shit. It‘s like we‘re in high school and she has a crush on me. Of course, I know she doesn't have a crush on me but still...that's what all this is reminding me of right now. I sigh and try to focus on the paperwork in front of me. I don't really read it though, I just sign it in the right places as Jim rambles on about when the delivery guys will come and how long it will take them to set everything up. I barely hear him. All I can think about is how angry Melanie has just made me, and the bullshit I'm going to have to deal with when we get back to my house. Suddenly, I feel like taking my time here. Maybe...I should buy some more shit, just to prolong the fight I know is coming once I get home. I tell Jim I'd like to look at some DVD's, but Eric overhears me and shakes his head no. I know why. There's a lot of people in the store, more than my brain has the capacity to take on right now. The last thing Eric needs is for me to have a meltdown in front of them all.
But Jim, ever the salesman, offers an alternative. "I can pull up an inventory list and you can pick from that."
I shrug. I don't really feel like look at another list today, or another computer screen. I just wanted to shop, to leisurely walk around. For the first time in a long time, I realize why I've never really enjoyed going shopping. "No, I can just set up something another time," I sigh. "I'm pretty tired anyway."
He reassures me it's not a problem, and we continue with the paperwork. Ten minutes later, I find myself being ushered over to the group of execs and staff that were promised a small meeting with me. I smile and shake everybody's hands, fucking terrified of what might happen the entire time. From time to time I can spot Melanie out of the corner of my eye. She's standing against the wall, pretending to read her magazine, but I can tell she's peering over the top of it at me. She wants to see if I'm okay, even though she'd never admit that to me. It makes me feel a little better about the situation, and it also makes me wish I hadn't been such an asshole to her a few minutes ago.
"Hi."
I finally look over at her. She's young, maybe twenty, and she's staring up at me like she never thought this would ever happen in a million years. I keep my wits about me. I glance over my shoulder to reassure myself that Eric is standing close by, in case I need him. "Hey," I say, a little relief in my voice. I shake her hand quickly. "How are you?"
She blushes. "I'm okay."
In that instant I'm once again reminded of Kerri, and I have to close my eyes quickly so the feeling will pass. I somehow manage to smile once I open them again. "Well it's nice to meet you." We take the quickest photo I've ever taken, and Eric promptly escorts me to the door afterward. I wave a quick good bye to the group and Jim, and he promises me he'll be in touch about the equipment I purchased. We somehow manage to make it to the car unnoticed. Apparently the Best Buy people were reliable, and didn't spread the word I was coming. That's a good thing. I don't think I could have handled paparazzi today.
I sink back into the leather interior and Melanie slides in next to me. I don't speak to her. I think I'm too emotionally drained to say anything right now. I just close my eyes and breathe out a side of relief when the car starts up again and we start to move. I can't wait to get home and hide in my room for the rest of the day. I...I need to dot hat. I need to just be away from everything for awhile. I didn't realize it up until now, but today...it's taken a hell of a lot of energy out of me.
"Eric I want to go to an antique store."
My eyes slowly open. What? I look over at Melanie. She's still reading that damn magazine, not seeming to care that I might be tired...that I might want to go home. An antique store? What the hell?
"Justin," Eric speaks up. "You cool with that?"
I open my mouth to blurt out an annoyed ‘no', but one glance at Melanie tells me I'll be sorry if I do. She smirks a little as she points to her cell phone. She silently mouths the words ‘hi Lynn', and I want to smack her across the face. I glare, but it doesn't seem to phase her. "Whatever," I mutter to Eric a moment later. "Nothing too far."
She smiles, delighted that she‘s won this time. With a sigh, I sink back in my seat and try to forget how annoyed I am. Eric drives us to a fancy little strip mall in Bel Air. I recognize the place because my mother always manages to drag me here around Christmas time to buy something for Nana. This past Christmas I was at my fathers, and brooding...so I have no idea what my mom even got for her. Whatever it was, I'm sure she was told it was from the both of us. It's a really shitty thing, because I've always taken extra time to find a nice present for both my grandparents. I guess I just didn't have the time this year. Actually, the only person I really seemed to have time for...was myself.
"Where to first?" Eric pulls into a parking space and shuts off the engine, before looking back at us.
I shrug. "It doesn't matter. I‘m not going in, you‘re waiting in the car with me while she goes in."
I‘m not looking at her, but can feel her eyes making their mark in the side of my face. Yeah I‘m probably pissing her off right now, but I think one store was all my emotions could handle for the day.
"Oh come on, Justin," Melanie finally says. "You can‘t just sit here. I‘ll probably be a little while."
It takes everything I have in me to keep my tone in check. "What do you even need?"
"A desk."
"A desk?" I say, bewildered. "But you have a desk in the guest house."
She shrugs and shoots me a mischievous smile. "I don't like that one."
Eric laughs a little, and I know I should fake it and do the same...but I just can't. She's doing this to spite me. It's because she's angry about my attitude in the store...because we're in high school and we play games like this... "Well I don't need to go in to..."
"We're all going in," Eric interrupts me, annoyed. "Damn it Justin, don't start pulling this shit right now. Her name isn't Trace."
That one hurt, and I cringe in response to his comment. I'm sure Melanie noticed, but she's not saying anything. I don't think she wants to make this discussion worse, as I'm sure she can tell Eric isn‘t buying the story that our relationship is picture perfect. "I'm sor--"
"Let's just go." Eric shoots me a final warning glance before shoving his way out of the car and opening the door for Melanie and I.
For a moment I think that I've blown the whole day. Now, Eric is going to step to the side while Mel and I shop...call my mother and tell her that something is going on with me that he doesn't like. I take a deep breath as we enter the store, its all I can do to hold my emotions and fears inside of me. Having a meltdown right now...I know...would mean total and utter disaster for everyone involved. Once we get inside the store, the sales clerk greets us pleasantly, probably thinking I've come to spend a fortune. I smile at her meekly and tell her we just came to look around. She nods and tells me that's fine, but immediately rushes to the door and locks it so I can ‘shop in privacy for a while'. It makes me want to roll my eyes, but I don't. I don't know who she might know around town and I don't need stories being spread about me, especially now that I don't get out all that much.
Melanie makes an annoying squealing sound a few moments after the door has been locked for me. I watch her race over to a shelf full of table lamps and roll my eyes. I can tell already that it's probably a good thing we're locked away from the public right now, because this is going to take awhile. Just watching Melanie tinker around with the lamps lets me know that this girl is a shopper, and I'm sure before she got landed babysitting my ass she probably used to do a lot more of it. I feel pretty shitty now. I mean, I got my stuff and she should be allowed to look in a store for awhile without getting an attitude from me. Hell...I don't know. She annoys me and then it's like I feel bad for letting my aggravation show. I don't want to be a bastard to her. I guess...I mean, I know...I'm starting to really value her presence. If I keep doing the things I do, I'm bound to lose her. Just like everybody else.
I don't think I could handle that kind of pain again.
I figure I‘ll be better off if I leave Mel alone fore awhile, so I venture into the back of the store and get lost in a crate of old records. Even though the door is locked, I still make Eric stand behind me...just in case. It's only because of this that I feel secure of enough to kind of let go of my paranoia for the moment. I clear my head, and I don't think about anything but the records...the dust, the smell. I remember my grandfathers study back home...the collection of old records and the phonograph in the corner. I think about all the times I would sit in there when I was a kid, listening to some Louis Armstrong with him while he smoked his pipe. It finally hits me. I wish I could go back there for a day or two...just to remember. Just to feel the warm touch of my Nana's hand on my cheek. Just to smell my grandfathers tobacco and hear him vent about what this country is turning into. So far I haven't allowed myself to think this way, and now I guess I know why. The smallest sliver of a tear has escaped from my eye and is gliding down my face. I wipe it away, disgusted, and try to concentrate some more on the records. I should...I really should call them, just to let them know I care. But I don't know what they'll say. My grandfather is kind of stern when it comes to family obligations. I know he's probably upset with me, as I didn't speak to him or Nana on Christmas. But I didn't talk to anybody on Christmas. I remember laying in my room at my fathers, the door cracked just slightly...I could hear the excited squeals of my brothers as they opened their gifts. I wanted to physically be there with them to see their faces...but the dreams that had kept me up the night before hadn't allowed me too. I felt like shit...and I deserved to feel that way. Later on, my father had also told me that he was disappointed. I pretty much tuned him out...said I was sorry without much enthusiasm. He just couldn't understand.
Nobody has ever really understood.
I tremble a little and take a breath, forcing myself to push that all out of my mind. I step back from the records, hoping it was just the smell that was making it all come back to me, but it doesn't help. I feel the same, so I just go back to the records and pick a few that caught my eye even though I don't think I have a record player. It doesn't matter. Maybe I can just sit with them later on in the dark comforts of my room and try to forgive myself for being an asshole. I won't though...I'll just cry.
I'm tired.
"Well?"
I look up from the bin to find Melanie standing there, lamp in hand. It's one of those old fashioned desk lamps, with the golden base and green glass shade. She seems excited about it, so I try to smile a little, even though I couldn't care less. "It's fine."
"Fine?" she looks at me like I'm an idiot. "It's your house. Didn't we just have a discussion about not letting people take advantage of you?"
Eric is standing right beside me, and I feel like cracking her across the face for speaking up like this in front of him. I can't though, so I take a deep breath and flash her a fake smile. "I'm not living in there." I brush past her and make my way over to a rack full of odd little trinkets that I don't think anybody would ever want. I pick up a small gold clown statue and try to be interested in it. It doesn't help things though.
"I'm just saying...I know if it was my house I wouldn't' want something I didn't like in it."
She's standing next to me again, and she hasn't put the lamp down. I groan, letting my real mood out for the first time today. "I'm tired," I whisper, glancing up at Eric who's busy speaking to the cashier now. "And it's not just because I got up early either, Melanie."
"You acted like a real jerk before," she tells me softly. "You cant just do that Justin. I know Best Buy was hard but there was no reason to take it out on me."
I don't look at her. "I know. But you‘ve had a problem with me since we left this morning. I...it‘s hard for me to be calm when you get sarcastic and moody." I'm surprised I was able to say all of that so rationally. Actually, I think it's the most intelligent I've sounded when venting my feelings in a really long time. I don't know how I managed that, but I think...I think its because of her, that she's so calm. It's allowing me to mellow out, something I haven't been able to do since I was in that clinic behind the comforts of Madison's closed office door. Being with Kerri fucked me up for a long time. I think...I think I was so busy trying to figure her out and figure myself out at the same time that it turned me psycho. The sad thing about that is...all of my aggressions backfired on Kerri. Kerri...the one person I was trying to keep away from harm. Ironic.
It's silent for awhile. She's staring at me and I'm staring at the clown, wondering what she's going to say next.
"I know about the pills," she whispers, so Eric can't possibly hear.
I force myself to look at her, at first trying to kid myself into believing I don't know what she's talking about. But...but I know what she's talking about. Yeah, I've been dumping my medication, and yeah I fell really shitty about it. I don't know what would have made me think she wouldn't have noticed, deep down I knew it would only be a matter of time. But I guess maybe...I wanted her to find out, as crazy as that seems. Maybe I wanted her to find out so I'd have an easier time explaining myself when the truth finally reared its ugly head. I mean, I know I need to take my pills to keep calm and shit. But I can't take being sick from them all the time...sleeping all the time, not being able to function on my own. I hate taking them. I guess I thought that if I stopped for awhile, I could just force myself to survive...to learn to be myself again without any help. It's not working. I feel more insecure and terrified every day that passes without taking my medication. It could lead to cutting. It could lead right back to the clinic, I know. I'm just so tired of being controlled. It's not fucking fair after everything else.
"Justin." Melanie narrows her eyes at me. "I'm really upset with you."
I shrug my shoulders, and try to keep the emotion from appearing on my face. "And you should be."
"I...I don't know if can keep this from your mom."
I look at her, the pain apparent on my face now. She looks like she hates herself, and god...its not her fault that I constantly fuck things up for myself. "I understand if you can't," I whisper. "I mean hell..." I chuckle a little. "You've kept too much from her as it is." I start past her, that stupid clown statue still in my hand, but then...she tugs at my arm, and I can't help but turn around to face her again. "Let's just get this stuff and get out of here," I mutter. "Did you pick a desk?"
She looks at the floor. "You deserve a chance," she tells me.
I feel like crying, and I almost start to. "I've had too many chances, Mel. It's getting to the point where I don't think there's anything left for me to do, okay?"
"No." She shakes her head gently and looks up, into my eyes, like she can see right through me. Like she can sense my pain. "You can't just give up."
Her eyes are glazed over, she's practically in tears. It scares me. She's crying over me. I treat her like complete shit half the time and here she is crying over me because she's concerned about what I do to myself. There's something that's just so fucked up about that, so...crazy. It almost makes me want to crack up, but I can't because it will lead to a melt down. Melanie barely knows me. She doesn't know about the shit that happened between me and Kerri or me and Trace....me and Shane. But damn it...right now I think I could sit down right here and tell her it all without any regrets. Of course I know she'd hate me after but fuck, it would feel so damn good to just get it out. "Mel, why...why do you care? I just don't get it."
She sucks in her lower lip and takes a breath. "Come on, let me show you the desk and then we'll get out of here."
She tugs on my hand, and its weird...but I let her lead me away. It feels good...letting her sort of step in, instead of being so damn defensive. I realize I can let her, that she'll be here and for whatever reason, she understands why I do what I do. None of it makes sense. Up until now I thought Kerri was the only one who could look at me like that and understand my pain. It's scaring the shit out of me and I want to run away...but fuck I want to hug her and tell her all of my deepest secrets at the same time. She gives my hand a light squeeze and points to the different desks she saw. I just stand there, silent but attentive. I let her know what I would pick if I was living there. We order the desk, I buy the lamp and the gold clown statue and we go back to the car with Eric. The ride back is mostly silent. Eric doesn't seem phased much by this afternoon, all he really says is that Melanie should be calling him more often because I need to get out more than twice a month. It gets a light laugh out of me and her, and I feel pretty confident that he wont be calling my mother.
After we get back to the house, Melanie disappears into her house and I go into my living room and sit down. I stare into space for a while wondering what the hell just happened at the store, and what Melanie is going to expect from me now. I'm not so scared as I am anxious. If she's going to call my mother I wish she would do it as soon as possible, so I can prepare myself. For over an hour I sit, wondering, before I hear the screen door sliding open. She calls my name softly, but I don't get up to greet her. "In here."
She's standing in the doorway now, she has the gold clown statue for me and sits down next to me. I take it from her. "Why'd I buy this?" I toy with it in my hands for a moment, hoping she'll forget what's been going on for a little while.
"It's a lot easier to hide than it is to admit your problems," she says after awhile. "I don't want to see you destroy yourself. I know you're not as bad as you try to make people think you are. I know you're...you're just hiding. I don't want to call up your mom and force you to do things you really don't want to do. I know I‘m wrong for lying to my boss or whatever, but I think you should have a say in all of this. It‘s not like you‘re a child."
I look at her, and I have to smile a little bit. She's so innocent. She doesn't know how much of a monster I can be...what I've done. She thinks 'sure he was kidnapped, he's just in pain.' I wish like hell that was all it was. I really do. "There's no reason to stick your neck out for me. You could lose your job, and it'll be my fault. The best thing you can do right now is just call her and tell her. If you don't do it now, I know I'll just do something next week that's worse. I just...," I pause and sigh, knowing it's too much to tell her but not really caring enough to stop myself either. "I can't hurt somebody else. I already hurt everybody that's tried to help me. You're...you know, you're a nice girl. You don't deserve that shit." I feel the tears now, and I can't hold them in anymore. I put a hand over my eyes, trying to shield them from her, not that it's going to help much. "I'm sorry you've even had to deal with me this long."
"You act like you can't get passed what happened. You give up too easily, Justin. That's your issue."
I feel her hand on my shoulder, and I quickly shrug it off. "You don't know anything about what happened to me, so don't act like you do." There I go again, snapping at her when she's trying to help me. I shouldn't do that. She doesn't know about my issues because I haven't told her anything about what happened. She wouldn't know how hard it is for me to talk about it. How could she?
"Then maybe you should start talking!," she yells.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't say you're sorry," she tells me, firmly. "Just talk to me, Justin. That's why I'm here...so you can have somebody to talk to."
"I'll try Melanie," I reassure her with a light smile, and try my best to stay positive. I can't be turning into a sobbing baby today. It's bad enough that I treated her like shit all day, and lord knows...being in public together has taken its toll on the both of us.
She gets up from the couch and looks down on me pitifully as if to say ‘man, you really need help.' I sink lower into the couch and try to focus my mind on something else...like my little golden clown. But then her voice comes into play again, forcing me to pay attention.
"Why are you afraid of going home?" She places her hands on her hips and gives me an impatient look. "It might do you some good, you know. Maybe you need your family more than you realize."
Hearing her say that really hits home, and I can't help but let a small sob out. "I want to go see them," I whisper. "But...I-I just can't go back there." I shake my head roughly. "I'd be a wreck the whole time. Nobody understands that. My mother can't understand even though she should, you know? It's just because Kerri went back there..." I stop when I realize I've let her name slip. I want to crawl into a hole and die. "Just forget it."
"Oh no." She shakes her head and shoves me back down onto the couch when I try to get up run away. "You're not locking yourself upstairs tonight. I'm not having that. Not after this pill thing."
I stare up at her, a little angry that she's being so pushy right now. Doesn't she get it? Doesn't she understand? "He fucking took us from a shopping center that was five minutes away from my house." I snap, loudly. That was unintentional but I can't do anything about it now. "I can't go back there. I can't...I can't let that happen to me again." I shake my head roughly. "I wont."
I'm sobbing into my hands now, and I wish I wasn't, but I can't help it. I feel her hand on my back, rubbing it in a circular motion. Kerri used to be able to calm me down this way, and strangely enough, I'm calming down with Melanie doing it too.
"I'd be scared to go back too." She tells me after a minute or so. "They...they shouldn't hold that against you."
For the first time, I look up at her and see her as a person who truly understands. She's not just Melanie the girl who baby-sits me anymore. She's...a friend. My friend. "Mel."
"Hey."
"Mel." And I grip her hand gently. "If I asked you to promise me something would you?"
She smiles a little bit. "I don't know, Justin. I'm not really good at making promises."
"Oh." I look down at the carpet for a minute. "What if I just asked you then?"
"I can live with that."
"Please don't leave me," I whisper, not caring how psycho it makes me sound.
"Put some effort into this," she tells me softly. "And I wont have a reason to leave."
I don't realize I'm hugging her until I feel her arms around me. I hold her like I used to hold Kerri when I was afraid. And she strokes the back of my neck, reassuring me that I don't have to be so afraid...that she'll help me...that she needs me to want to help myself too. And I tell her I'll do it. That I'll do anything if she stays, if she doesn't leave me behind like everybody else. We go into the kitchen after, and she fixes a quick sandwich dinner for the two of us. It's mostly silent, but after the meal is over I tell her that she's my friend, and I'm glad that she is.
"I'm not a great friend," she says once she's walked me upstairs to my room. "I just know what it's like to be in pain. And...nobody should have to live that way. I want to help you Justin, but...please don't think I'm some kind of god send. I have my own issues."
I'm confused. "What do you mean?"
But she just laughs a little. "Nothing. Just go to bed okay? We have to go to the store tomorrow and refill your prescriptions."
My eyes widen. "We?"
"Yes, we." She starts to walk away. "Tomorrow we're starting all over. It's a second chance, Justin. A last chance. Don't fuck it up for yourself."
She leaves, and I wait until I hear the door open and shut again before shutting myself in for the night. I change into an old tee shirt and sweats, and sit in bed with my journal. I figure writing might do me some good...so when I need to, I can look back on this day. I flip to the back, where the last few blank pages remain. I need to change to a new notebook soon, and I'm not so sure about what I'm going to do with this one. I know Madison would want me to give it to her for safekeeping, but I'm not so sure I want to. I've been through a lot with this book. There was a time, when it was the only thing I had to turn to. It's like a best friend that can't talk, but knows everything. I smooth my hand over the new page, smile a little bit, and start to write... knowing that this time my entry won't be so dark like the others.
I don't really know what to make of anything that's happened today. All I really know is, I have to put effort in if I want to get my life back, and that there's a lot more to Melanie than I ever thought. Some of that mystery surrounding her personal life is starting to crumble, just slightly. Although I know she'd never willingly discuss her personal life with me. Aside from that, I do feel relieved, like she's just taken a huge part of my burden onto her own shoulders. I didn't think anybody would care after all that's happened. But she does. And for the first time, I know its not just about her paycheck anymore. She cares. She really does. It's scary too, part of me wants to hide from her still. But I can't. Too much has happened...she's kept too much from the people that are supposed to know. So I owe it to Melanie to try and make things better. It couldn't' be that bad, after all. I'm actually kind of looking forward to seeing the fun side of her, and...well, getting to find that part of myself again. Maybe I can even forget about certain people in the process.
People like Kerri.
I pray that I won't dream tonight. But if I do, I hope Mel is there, holding my hand....
Telling me it's okay to be afraid.
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Story Tags: justinandtrace
