What kind of an idiot would semi take advantage of a good friend?

I guess that would be me.

I know it takes two to tango, or whatever the fuck they say. But Kerri’s a vulnerable girl, and I…I took advantage. I mean, I know she kissed me first and everything, but I could have just said ‘no’ and been done with it. But I went there. I deepened the kiss, got her naked. I was inches away from having sex with her…literally. It’s been way too long since I’ve had sex. I found that out the hard way. I swear, I had to jack off for a good hour before I got all that shit out of my system. I was cursing myself out the entire time too. No, I didn’t enjoy it. I’m not the type of guy that enjoys pleasuring himself. The whole thing is really fucked up. I mean, I swore I’d never do that kind of thing with Kerri. I know what happened between us was exactly the kind of shit that went down between her and Justin, and I’m so pissed at myself for allowing it to happen to her again. I know it could have been worse. I could have went all the way, but I’m not going to sit around and use that as my excuse. I’m not going to tell myself that “I didn’t have sex with her so it doesn’t matter.” That’s bullshit. It does matter.

It’s been over a week, and we‘ve barely spoken. I think that’s what’s really getting to me.

Of course work has kept her busy. Kerri’s been putting in some extra hours this week for a big event they have coming up. Next weekend KISS is having their annual Movies Rock event at the Kodak Theater. It‘s basically a bunch of rock stars singing old movie themes in front of a crowd of teenagers. I remember Justin was asked to do it at the beginning of last year, but he had album promotion going on so he couldn’t, not to mention the fact that he thought it was a lame idea. Even so, I know Kerri is excited about it, despite the fact that she hasn‘t discussed it with me. Tarin‘s been filling me in, because she cares and she knows that I worry about how Kerri‘s doing at work. Tarin told me I shouldn’t worry. She’s organizing the whole thing apparently, so she’s going to take Kerri under her wing and keep her away from some of the bitchier interns that work at the station. I’m happy for her. She’ll learn a lot, and well…I guess I’m hoping it will make her forget about some things too.

Do I truly regret what happened? Mostly yes, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t. It fulfilled a lot of the curiosity I had about Kerri I guess. It’s horrible to say, but I’d always wanted to see her naked. I feel like a fucking pig. But she’s beautiful. She really is. If I could have her, I’d have her in every way possible. If I could love her…I’d do it with my whole heart. But I know I can’t. I know I couldn’t handle her, and she’s just not ready . She fell into our kissing…whatever it was, like it wasn’t an issue. I know she was pushing herself to do it. Especially after, when she told me she was afraid she was going to lose me. It made my heart sink, because I knew that she had a reason for getting into bed with me then. It wasn’t about me…that she liked me or anything. No, she just took notice to Tarins ‘thing’ for me, and it scared her. I didn’t push her for details. I’m assuming Kerri read Tarins note that first day at the station. I don’t blame her. I shouldn’t have expected her not to look at it. Although, that note hadn’t said much…just asked her to hang out on the weekend.

But Kerri’s not a moron.

I’m not going to deny it. Tarin’s a great girl, and I guess I forced myself to push her out of my mind after we split up because I knew how strenuous long distance relationships could be. The moment I stepped into the office that day to pull strings for Kerri’s job, I remembered how much I used to like her, and how much I missed her when we were forced to split up. And I pissed her off that first week that Kerri started. She thought I was a manipulative asshole that had conned her into getting Kerri a job. But we talked on the phone a few times, and then I met her for lunch one day. It was nice. We went to this little diner around the corner from the radio station. Tarin told me Kerri didn’t know where she was, and I told her it was probably better that way.

“Are you guys having issues?” she’d asked, as she stirred some sugar into her coffee.

I could feel my face turn slightly red, and I had to take a deep breath so I wouldn’t give myself away. “No, no…we’re okay. You know, she’s just under a lot of pressure right now and stuff. It’ll work out.” I’m a really terrible liar too. Justin can hold me to that. My face turns red and I stutter, and that moment with Tarin was no different. “It’s just hard. We’ve both been through a lot, and sometimes…I don’t know…we can be shitty to each other.”

“That’s how relationships work, Trace,” she told me, with a reassuring smile. “You might fight, but at the end of the day you almost always realize how much you care about the other person. That’s the most important thing.”

It was the strangest thing to me at the time. She was talking about Kerri like she and I had some kind of intimiate relationship going on. I didn’t understand why. I mean, I had told Tarin that Kerri was a good friend and shit…but I never thought I’d implied that we were dating. That was the last thing I would have implied actually. “Tarin…” I’d laugh a little nervously. “What are you talkin’ about?”

She gave me a dumb look, like I was the one that was confusing her. “Well… Kerri is your girlfriend. I thought I’d give you some advice or whatever.” She looked down at her coffee. “Sorry.”

“Girlfriend?” It was the only word I could seem to get out, because I was literally floored. My first thought was that, for whatever reason, Kerri had broken down and told Tarin what had gone between us in my bedroom. I felt sick. I didn’t want her to know. “She’s not my girlfriend,” I’d whispered, seriously.

She shook her head. “You don’t have to deny it for my sake Trace. It’s really not…”

“Tarin,” I’d interrupted her, a little angrily. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Well one of you is confused then,” she’s laughed a little and shook her head. “Because Kerri seems to think that’s exactly who she is.”

“What?”

“Last week I…I just asked Kerri what your status was with her, that’s all. When I got your note it sounded like you know…you wanted to hang out with me.” She licked her lips, and her face turned a light shade of pink. She was obviously embarrassed that she was being forced to divulge her intentions with me, but I think I was too shocked to focus on that then. “She said that you were working out your problems. That you were dating and stuff. So I backed off.”

My mouth must have hung open for about ten minutes. I couldn’t believe that Kerri would have said something like that, especially to Tarin. It was then that I understood why she’d been so ‘afraid’ of losing me. Tarin must have been giving Kerri the idea that she liked me or something. It made my emotions flare. What I really wanted to do was wait until Kerri got out of work so I could scream at her. But at the same time I knew I couldn’t do that. We’d done the unthinkable in my bed, and hadn’t been speaking much since. Springing a tantrum on her, I knew, would seriously fuck her up. But I didn’t really know what else to do. I felt betrayed…hurt. I’d never stood in the way of her and Justin doing their thing. Sure I’d been against it…but I never interfered. That’s not what a friend does. But Kerri obviously felt it was okay to lie to Tarin, so she’d still be able to have me all to herself.

And for once, I wasn’t going to play it safe for Kerri’s sake. I didn’t care how mentally unbalanced she was. This time, it was about me.

“Don’t listen to anything Kerri says when it comes to me and her,“ I’d said softly, regretfully. “Believe me, I’m single.” I’d grasped her hand quickly, which shocked her I guess because her head snapped up right away. “And I want to take you to dinner.”

She slowly slid her hand out from mine, and shot me a confused glance. “I don’t know, Trace. I mean, why would Kerri lie? I’ll admit, I haven’t been overly nice to her or anything when it comes to work and getting her familiar with things. But I can tell she’s a nice girl, and she seems to care about you a lot.”

I had to laugh a little. I hated throwing Kerri under the bus, but Tarin was my friend. Somebody that I’d been able to trust and confide in at one point in my life. Somebody I probably would have fallen completely in love with, if it hadn’t been for our hectic schedules. And Kerri…Tarin didn’t even know the half of her story. She didn’t know how manipulative Kerri could be when she wanted to get her way. She didn’t know that she’d tell you she loved you one minute and then ditch you when something better came along. I…I hated to admit that to myself. I got choked up and shit. But I knew I was right. I knew…I knew that if Justin hadn’t been such a fucking asshole she would have been living with him, not giving a damn about me, and I would have been alone. I had to accept it.

And I did.

“You don’t know her like I do,” I whispered. “She’s a great girl, you know? I’ll always love her…she’s like family to me, Tar. But at the same time she’s got so many issues she doesn’t know how to react when…when somebody else has decided to move on.” I looked into her eyes and I could tell she knew exactly what had happened. That she’d been lied to so she’d stay away from me. She’d frowned, and at first I thought she was pissed off at me. But then she took my hand again, and I knew she was only angry because she’d accepted the truth.

“I can’t believe she’d do that,” she’d scoffed. “What the hell, Trace? You get the girl a job, you take care of her, and this is how she repays you? If I were you, I’d throw her out of the house…”

“No,” I’d interrupted her quickly and shook my head. “It’s not that deep. I…I understand why she did what she did, okay?” Was I protecting Kerri again? Maybe a little, but I knew that throwing her out of my house and telling her she was on her own was out of the question. Kerri may have fucked up…again, but she still didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from me. I’d promised her that I’d help her until she didn’t need me to anymore, and I wasn’t going break that promise. That’s not how I treat my friends…even though they’ve all treated me that way at some point. “It’s just…she’s insecure, and she‘s been through entirely too much. If she doesn’t have me, she doesn’t have anybody.”

“And you need a life too,” she’d said, without much emotion. “If I had known all of this in the beginning I wouldn’t have even hired her.”

I’d smiled. “I know.”

“You’re such a jerk.”

The subject changed after that, but only because I forced it to. She tried to bring Kerri up a couple of more times of course, but I told her I would handle it. I told her that all I really wanted to do then, was talk to her…tell her some stuff I’d been thinking over every time we’d get off the phone. And I did.

“Look, Tarin..it’s been awhile,” I’d whispered, looking into her eyes. “And I guess I’ve just been so bombarded with all this crazy shit that I haven’t had the chance to stop and remember us. But lately…lately I have.” I looked down at the table and laughed softly. “Just come out with me Saturday night, okay?”

“What if I do?,” she’d asked me. “And we’re out having a great time, and then Kerri calls you crying because she’s lonely or some stupid shit. Are you going to run out on me, Trace? Because I’m not going to put up with that. I…I have a few guys that have been dying to get a date with me this week and I’ve turned them all down. I mean yeah, I guess I’ve been holding out for you or something. But right now I don’t know…maybe I shouldn’t…maybe I…”

I’d silenced her with a kiss. I knew she’d wanted it, and hell…I really wanted it too. When I broke it off, she hadn’t slapped me or yelled at me like I’d thought she would have. She just sort of stared, and then she smiled at me a little bit.

“So that’s a yes then?,” I’d laughed. “Is seven o’clock okay?”

She threw a sugar packet at me. “If you’re late I’m never giving you another chance.”

That was Tuesday afternoon. I’d picked Kerri up from work that night, but I hadn’t been able to say anything to her about what I’d found out. She looked so exhausted, as she’d gotten out of work at eight o’clock instead of five because of all the planning that was going on. I didn’t want to burden her with more stress. I got her some take out instead, asked her if she needed to talk. She said no, we ate in front of the TV, and then we both went to bed. Now it’s Friday night and I haven’t even attempted to tell her that I have a date tomorrow night, and that I’ll be leaving her here alone, for the first time since she moved in with me. I confess, I feel like crap about that, but at the same time I wouldn’t pass up a chance to have a night on the town with Tarin for anything.

“How was it today?”

She sits down in front of the computer and moves the mouse around a little bit. “Busy.”

“Hey.” I rest my hands on the end of the computer desk and stick my face in front o f hers. “I kind of need to talk to you.”

She pushes me away gently. “I kind of have some stuff I need to do.”

“Kerri, I know what you’re doing,” I whisper. “You can’t avoid me forever.”

“I’ll do whatever I need to, Trace,” she grunts. “I need to be able to have some sort of control over my sanity.”

Her comment reminds me of the fact that she lied to Tarin. I suck in a breath. “Yeah. I can see that. You tend to find the best way possible to keep the reality in the back of your mind.”

She doesn’t look at me. “You kissed me too, you know. Don’t blame this whole confusing thing on me, like you always tend to do.”

“I never blame shit on you,” I snap at her, and it gets her to look at me this time. “And I wasn’t even talking about….that, anyway.”

“Right.”

She goes back to her computer like it doesn’t even matter to her. Any other time I’d feel bad, and apologize…tell her I was wrong. But I wont do that right now. I‘m too angry, and I’m tired of taking what she says and turning it into a positive thing when it‘s really not. “Just so you know,” I start up again. “The next time you decide that you and I are a couple, could you let me know? I need to pencil it in on my fucking planner.” I’m so disgusted with her at this point that I don’t wait for her lame response. I just walk into the kitchen and grab a beer…something that’s been nonexistent in my house since Kerri has come to stay. This week I didn’t care though. I figured she needed to learn to control herself, and since it was my house I was entitled to have a beer or two if I wanted.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I sip my beer and look over at her. She’s standing in the archway now, a look of complete surprise on her face. She knows I’ve figured her out…I know her fucking little secret. How stupid does she think I am? “Don’t play dumb, Kerri,” I laugh. “Did you think Tarin wouldn’t tell me? Did you honestly think you intimidated her to the point where she wouldn’t talk to me anymore?”

She knows exactly what’s going on now, not that she didn’t before…but she’s admitting defeat now. The look of surprise has replaced itself with a look of utter embarrassment. “I was afraid.”

“You’re turning into Justin,” I tell her, and I guzzle the rest of the beer before throwing the bottle into the garbage. “A manipulative, lying, little asshole. And you parade around and act like everybody else is the one with the problem…that you’re just poor little confused Kerri, and the world owes you something.”

“Trace….”

“No.” I have to suck in a breath to keep from hollering at her. “This is it Ker. I’m done with you and your little mind games. I mean, I said I’d help you and I am. You can stay here, you don’t have to worry about anything like that. And if you need something, yeah I’ll be here for you. But I’m not sacrificing my free time and my chances at possible relationships for you anymore. I…I can’t. It’s just not fair to me.” I step toward her, and she shrinks back into the living room, sobbing as she sits down on the couch. I refuse to hug her or anything like that right now. She brought this on herself, and she’s going to have to deal with it. “I can’t believe you’d tell her we were together,” I chuckle once I enter the living room again. “After how you pushed so hard for me to not have those kind of feelings for you. You need fucking help Kerri. Serious fucking mental help.” I’m not helping anything right now. No, I’m not yelling at her…but I am degrading her. I need to just stop and leave her alone to think about things. I’m just so angry though…and I want her to know that.

But she’s crying so hard right now. Harder than I realized. It takes everything in me to keep standing here and not run to her side so I can baby her. “Stop crying,” I finally say. “Just stop.”

“You’re all I have!” She screams at me. “I told you that! I’m…I’m sorry I lied, Trace! I didn’t know what else to do!”

“It was fucking selfish.”

She doesn’t answer.

I think for a few minutes. I try to conjure up some kind of logical idea that will calm us both down. I know we can’t keep going like this…not right now. It’s unhealthy. Kerri will suffer and so will I. Maybe…

Oh god.

I think of Elisha for the first time in forever. Not in a sexual way, just as…I know she’s somebody I can call that will give a damn about Kerri right now. “How about you go to Elisha’s for a couple of days, Ker? I think it would be good for you to get away.”

“You just want to fuck your new girlfriend.”

That’s it. She’s a god damn mess. “I’m calling,” I snap at her. “This is ridiculous.”

“You said I could stay!” she sobs, as I dial. “Trace!”

I click the phone off, and rub my face with my hands. “You can,” I say, my voice strangely calm. “But I think right now, it’s the best thing for you to get out of this house for the weekend.”

“You mean it’s the best thing for you.”

She’s right. It’s the first logical thing she’s said all day and that shocks me. “Maybe.”

“You hate me.”

I click the phone back on. “I don’t hate you. It’s just…this kind of thing has gone on for too long, all right? I love you, you know that. But we can’t do this anymore.” I dial and raise the phone to my ear, keeping my gaze locked on her in case she decides to say anything else. She doesn’t though. She just sits there, staring out into space…almost like she’s in a trance. It gives me chills and I nearly hang up and go over to see if she’s going to be okay. But then I hear Elisha’s voice, and I can’t focus on Kerri anymore.

“Ker!,” she says happily, obviously thinking it’s her that’s called and not me. “Are you finally going to come out with us?”

“Hey,” I say softly, like I’ve said to her so many times before.

“Trace?”

A silence comes over the line, and I throw another look back at Kerri before going into the next room to talk to my ex girlfriend. She’s still sitting there, same dazed look on her face. Fuck…what did I do? “Yeah, it’s me.” I close myself in my bedroom and sit down on the bed. “I just need to talk to you for a minute.”

“Sure,” she says, uneasily. “What…whats wrong? Are you okay?”

It almost makes me smile to think that she still cares a little bit, but I quickly shrug the thought away. This isn’t about me right now, as much as I wish it were. “I’m fine. I just need to ask you a favor. It’s…it’s about Kerri so I figured you’d understand.”

“What’s going on?,” she asks, the worry in her voice growing with each word. “Did something happen? She’s okay isn’t she?”

“Yeah she’s okay, it’s nothing that bad,” I tell her. “I was just wondering if she could stay at your place for the weekend. We’ve been getting too much of each other, you know? And I know she can trust you…” I pause and sigh. “I know I can trust you too.”

She tells me that she just got out of the shower but she’ll be over as soon as she can throw some clothes on. I hang up after that, feeling a large part of the stress I had built up inside leave me. That’s the good thing about Elisha. She’s really dependable, and if she cares about you, she’ll drop everything for you in a second if she means she can help. Yeah, I know our relationship pretty much fell apart. Actually, this is the first time I’ve talked to her in a long time. The first time…I’ve felt comfortable doing it. I’ve been treating her communication with Kerri as a bad thing up until now. I don’t know why. I was being selfish then I guess. I kept thinking about how my relationship with Elisha was over and I couldn’t get it back. It upset me. But now I’m over it. Maybe Elisha and I could even be friends again one day. Yeah…that would be nice.

I go back out there, not because I want to but because I know I have to. But she’s not sitting on the couch anymore. “Kerri.” I listen for her to respond but she never does. I sigh and search the six rooms of my condo, calling out to her. She’s nowhere to be found though. I almost start to panic, but then I realize she might have gone outside, and I need to keep myself calm if I’m going to go out and look for her. I go out to the driveway, and she’s not hanging around by the cars or by the neighbors cars. I call her name again, trying not to be too loud, and of course she doesn’t answer me. I walk down to the pool…no luck. Then I walk down to the tennis courts, and that’s where I find her. She’s just sitting there, next to the net, head in her hands. For the first time I look at her and I realize I don’t completely understand her anymore. I used to…I really used to. There was a time when I thought I was more in sync with her than Justin was, but then all this shit happened…and it’s not that way anymore. She loves me, but I think it’s more of a needful kind of love than anything else. When she first came here, I didn’t care. I was still so fucked up from being alone and cut off from Justin and shit that I didn’t know how else to react to her being here. I just needed her then, I figured I was in love with her and I didn’t care what I had to do. But now…now I realize I’m more separated from her private drama than I cared to realize in the past. I stare at her, and I realize I have no clue what runs through her mind at any given moment.

I don’t think there’s a person in the world that does. And that includes Justin.

I open the gate, and walk over to her. She doesn’t look up at me though, she just continues to sit there. I sit down in front of her, but I don’t say anything. For once I’ll wait for her. I realize I never give her that opportunity. I don’t give her the opportunity to do a lot of things on her own. I just do it all for her. Yeah, it’s what she wants, but its not what she needs.

“I can’t say anything,” she croaks out. “There’s nothing to say.”

“That’s fine.” It’s deadly quiet then. She looks like she’s struggling with herself, but I’m not going to sit here and try to pry her feelings out of her like always. I wont touch her either. No…no something is telling me that right now isn’t the time for that.

“You know, when you told me…about Lynn, I…I was so jealous.” She laughs loudly and that scares me, but I don’t interrupt her. “Because I know that you’ll go back to him, and he won’t hold anything against you, Trace.”

She‘s talking about Justin, and that‘s definitely not a subject I‘m willing to get into right now. “Kerri, we shouldn’t be talking about this right now,” I say quickly. “Let’s just go inside, okay. Come…”

“No!”

I freeze. She has a wild look in her eyes, like she’s finally been pushed to her limit, and I don’t know what the fuck to do.

“You don’t understand.” She sobs for awhile, before she can gain enough control to continue. “I want to hate him…I want to hate him but I can’t fucking hate him! I should…,” she shakes her head and pushes the hair out of her face. “But I can’t. I can’t hate him.”

Something about this is so weird. She hasn’t willingly brought Justin up in months, and it’s freaking me out that she would mention all of this so randomly. It could be because of me…because I told her I was going to see Lynn, but at the same time I know that anytime the subject of Justin is brought up, Kerri tends to pretend it doesn’t bother her. Hell maybe it’s me, maybe I’ve pushed her to the edge tonight. But I know she’s tired of me, and I’m fucking tired of her. It’s for the best that she‘s going to Elisha‘s, and I’m sure she’ll wake up tomorrow and realize that. “Ker, you’re not making sense…” I trail off and even though I don’t want to, I shift a little closer to her. “Why Justin? Why now?”

“I dunno,” she mutters, and rubs her face with her hands. “I’m just tired of it, Trace.”

“Tired of what?”

Then she looks at me. I can barely recognize her in this moment, because she’s let it all out. All the drama and fatigue and sickness that’s been plaguing her. She looks exhausted, sick, and ready to collapse, like she’s been holding so much in for so long that she’s not capable of doing it anymore. “Everything.”

“Then get help,” I say seriously. “Like I always tell you to.”

Suddenly the pain in her face seems to retreat back to the place it came from. “Yeah,” she nods. “I know.” She pushes herself to her feet then, and starts to walk away.

I know now that she was probably about to tell me something, and me being an asshole acted like I didn’t care. Fuck. “Ker just wait a second.” I catch up to her before she can get out of the gate. “Is there something else?”

She turns to me, her eyes flooded with tears. This isn’t Kerri…this is somebody else. She’s never been this bad around me before. I think what happened between us sort of set her off, but I’m not going to blame myself or feel guilty. It happened, and I know that we can still be mature about it. “I can’t tell you,” she whispers.

“You can tell me anything. Come on Kerri..I…things are fucked up right now but I’m still here,” I reassure her. “We’ve always told each other everything.”

“Do you know how bad I wish I could say something?,” she says, her voice trembling. “It will make things worse if I do.”

I shake my head. “How much worse can things get?” My cell phone starts to ring, and I know it’s probably Elisha wondering where the hell we are, but I don’t want to answer. Something is telling me that whatever Kerri’s hiding is really really important, and it’s killing her inside. I just want to grab her, shake her, and force her to tell me what’s going on. But I know that won’t solve anything.

“You should answer that,” she whispers.

“I want you to tell me,” I tell her sternly. “It’s important.”

She shakes her head. “I can’t.”

I sigh harshly. “Well what the fuck Kerri?”

She stares at me.

“Fine.” I pull the cell phone out of my pocket, which is on it’s third call back, and I flip it open. “Sorry, Elisha…we went for a walk.” She tells me that we nearly scared the shit out of her, and I reassure her that we’ll be right up, before flipping the phone closed. “Kerri I…” I pause. I make a decision right then and there. She’s turning into a mental case, and she’s not going to be able to keep a job or move on with her life unless she makes a complete turn over. “I can’t have you living here with me…unless you’re going to try and get help.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Think about that over the weekend.” I hate being a bastard, but I guess she really angered me when she pulled that shit about Justin and what she couldn’t’ tell me right now. It leaves me with too many questions that I don’t have answers to, and I really hate that. We walk back to the condo in silence. I even walk ahead of her a little bit so I don’t have to listen to her whimpering. I hate myself for doing it too…but I know this is the only way I’m going to get through to her.

“You guys scared the crap out of me!” Elisha says, once we reach my condo again. It’s apparent she’s been waiting by my door for awhile now, very impatiently. “What the hell?”

“Sorry.” I kiss her on the cheek quickly. “Kerri’s just gotta get clothes and then you’ll be all set.”

“Hun what’s wrong?” Elisha rushes to Kerri’s side, when she notices what kind of shape she’s in. She pulls her closer and rubs her back a little. Kerri finally gives in, and starts sobbing into her. “Trace, what’s wrong with her?”

Usually I’d say she wasn’t feeling well or she’d had a hard day at work…anything to cover up for the real truth. But I’m tired of lying. The whole Kerri/Tarin thing has made me see how bad it really is and I don’t want that kind of shit happening in my life anymore. “She needs help and she wont get it. There’s nothing I can do if she’s going to cry and not tell me what her problem is.”

“What the hell is your problem?” Elisha snaps at me as I open the door.

I walk inside, and don’t answer, hoping she’ll just drop it. But of course, being the persistant person she is, she won’t.

“Trace this girl is a mess! Tell me what’s going on or I’m not taking her anywhere!”

I turn to her, and feel my composure slip away. I‘m angry now, and I don’t care who knows it. “You want to know what’s wrong with her, Elisha? Then you fucking talk to her! Because she’s not talking to me anymore, she’s just turning crazier every damn day. I can’t take it!”

Kerri runs into her room after that, and slams the door behind her. That leaves me with a less than friendly looking Elisha standing in front of me, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.

“Ya know Trace, I really thought that you were a mess before she came back,” she says softly, taking a seat at my bar. “It’s one of the biggest reasons I pushed so hard for her to come back here and stay with you. I knew she didn’t want to be with her parents, anymore than you wanted to be here alone.” She shakes her head, and lets out a sad laugh. “Now you can see how bad she is, and you want nothing to do with her anymore. You just want to shove her off on somebody else, because you’ve found something better to do with your time.”

I ball my fists at my sides and clench my teeth because I don’t want to have a full out tantrum in front of Elisha right now. It’s bad enough that we don’t speak, and I don’t want to give her the impression that I’ve turned into a bastard. “We messed around. We shouldn’t have. It’s probably part of the problem.” I’m shocked I told her, but then again this is the woman I used to tell all of my secrets to.

“Wait…” she gets up off the bar stool and places her hands on her hips. “You had sex?,” she whispers, probably so Kerri won’t hear.

“No, not exactly.” I shake my head rapidly. “I mean…we could have but…”

“Trace!”

“I know!”

“Oh my god.” She slaps a hand to her forehead. “I can’t believe this.”

“Elisha.” I shuffle over to her, and grab her hand, pleadingly. “Please…you gotta help me.”

She sighs, and stares at me, sternly at first, but then it changes to a look of sympathy. “You know better. You know what happened with her and Justin.”

“I know,” I say. “It just…it just happened, okay? I never said I was proud of it. But she’s been a mess besides all of that. She’s seriously fucked up, and she won’t get herself help. I’ve tried. I got her a shrink…I did everything I could. But she’s just, I dunno…terrified of talking to anybody.” I shake my head. I feel horrible, like I’m throwing Kerri under the bus when I shouldn’t be. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m hoping that maybe Elisha will have some good advice, because I’m pretty much out of ideas. “Just tonight she was about to tell me something, and then she just …decided not to. I can’t deal with that. She needs help.” I feel the tears now, and damn it…I didn’t want to be doing this tonight. “She needs help, Elisha.”

Elisha nods, very slowly. And then out of nowhere, she pulls me into a hug. It feels good, and I realize that I’ve missed her friendship, even though I was angry at her for a long time. “I’m sorry,” I sob into her as she holds me. “I’ve tried everything I know with Kerri. I love her, but I can’t do this anymore.”

After a little while she pulls back and looks at me again, seriously this time. “I know a place,” she whispers. “But she’s going to have to want to go. Nobody can force her.”

“What do you mean a place?,” I question her, suspiciously. “Kerri can’t be put into some sort of mental hospital. She wouldn’t make it in there.”

“It’s not like that,” she reassures me. “It’s just a place she can go where she’ll be with people that have been through…the kind of thing she has. I think…I think she needs that. I think she needs to be separated from all of this and put into a place where people aren’t going to analyze her. I think that’s why going to a shrink freaks her out so much Trace. She doesn’t want to be judged or told ‘this is what’s wrong’. Justin got lucky…his shrink clicked with him. It’s a lot harder for Kerri, Trace. She’s never been that personable, from what she’s told me. I think…I think for years you and Justin were the only two people that could even relate to her”

It amazes me that Elisha can analyze Kerri like that. She hasn’t known her all that long, but she’s basically just hit the marker. But of course, I always told the girl that she could have been a psycho therapist. “That’s great and all,” I say lightly. “But if I couldn’t get her to go to a shirnk, I really don’t think I can get her to check out this place.”

“You won’t have to. My friend is up there right now, I was actually planning on going to visit her this weekend. I’ll take Kerri along.”

It sounds great, but I know it’s not going to work. Kerri’s so stubborn, and messed up, I just can’t see her willingly going to a place like that. “Nah, don’t worry about it. It’ll be okay…”

“Stop it.” Elisha says angrily. “Don’t try to make an excuse because you’re scared of what might happen, Trace. You said you’re out of options, and I’m giving you an option.”

“What about her job?” I say, panicked. “She can’t lose her job now.”

“She won’t. The whole purpose of this place is to live your life normally on outside, and when you come home…you’re just going to a place where you feel safe, and comfortable. You can come and go when you want to. And when you’re ready to leave you just…leave.” She smiles at me a little. “I know it will work. I’ve actually been meaning to bring it up to her, I just…I didn’t know when the right time would be.” She pats my shoulder and walks past me. “I’m going to help her pack.”

For a minute I think, yeah…shes’ right. It’s going to be good for Kerri. She’ll get better. But then I remember how scared she is of strangers and being alone. I just…I don’t know what I’d do if she had some kind of mental breakdown because I wasn’t’ around for her. I couldn’t live with that. I frantically dig up an excuse..anything I can think of that will nix this little plan. “But she wont be able to get to work,” I call after her.

“Yes she will.” She smiles, as she reaches Kerri’s door. “She’ll drive. It‘s only a half hour away.”

It’s not something I like to bring up but, Kerri is absolutely terrified of driving now that she had her accident, although nothing else is stopping her from doing it. Her leg with the limp isn’t the leg she’d need to drive with. She still feels really badly that she totaled my SUV too, even though I keep telling her I was about to trade that car in anyway. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a little bit afraid of her getting behind the wheel again too. “She’s afraid,” I say, pathetically.

“She’s afraid of everything at the moment,” she scoffs. “If it’s that big of a deal, just bring to her to work and back yourself. Unless,” she pauses and glares at me. “That’s too much trouble for you.”

I roll my eyes. “You know its not.”

“Good, then it’s settled,” she nods. “If Kerri decides she wants to do this, you’ll drive her to work and back everyday, and if you decide you want her to stay here one night…that’s totally up to you.” She sighs. “I’m going in there now, so just…I don’t know, go relax. Take a shower or something. I’ll let you know when we’re leaving.”

She goes into Kerri’s room and closes the door before I can say anything else. I can hear them begin to converse quietly. Quietly enough where I can’t quite make out what they’re saying. It’s wrong of me to pry of course. Elisha told me the plan and I guess I should follow it. Getting Kerri into this place would probably be good for her. Of course I don’t know all the details about it, but that shouldn’t really matter. The person who’s opinion about that place matters is Kerri’s because she’s the person that has to live there. I sit down on the couch, and feel myself begin to tremble. Kerri won’t be living here if she decides to do this. It’s what I implied that I wanted, and deep down…I know I need that space. But I’m so scared for her. Those people don’t know her like I do. They don’t know how to handle here if she goes out of her skull, if she wakes up crying in the middle of the night. They can’t hold her and stroke her hair like I can…they don’t know what to say to make it all go away for just a little while….

But the whole point of Kerri going is so she doesn’t need to depend on me anymore right?

Shit.

I get into the shower and sob my way through it, hoping the sound of the water will drown out any sounds of my crying. It does me some good. When I get out I feel a lot more refreshed, and a little less tense. “Elisha.” I call out, and wipe some of the condensation off of the mirror with a towel.

“We’re waiting on you, Trace.” She calls back.

I wait to hear a response from Kerri too, telling me to hurry up in that non chalant tone of hers. But when she doesn’t answer, I know that she’s still upset. The fact that there’s something seriously wrong with her has taken its toll, and after tonight I know nothing is going to be the same. Yeah, if all goes well she’ll let Elisha talk her into getting this help for herself, and we’ll both be able to live our lives a little bit better. But I can’t lie and say I wont miss having her around. Sure I’ll get to see her, but I doubt our trips to work and back will be very pleasant. She’s going to be pissed at me for sending her away like this…like I gave up. But I’m not giving up…

She just needs help.

I get dressed and finally rejoin my friends in my living room. Kerri is in her pajamas, backpack slung on one shoulder, suitcase in hand. She’s pale, and when I look into her eyes, she doesn’t react. She just looks right through me, and I think she hates me. “Kerri I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t know what else to do.”

She looks at the floor. “It’s fine,” she cracks. “It’s better this way.”

I look at Elisha. “You told her about the place?”

Elisha sighs. “We talked about it,” and she nudges Kerri gently. “Tell him what you told me.”

Kerri looks up at me, this time a little more held together. “It’s a good idea.”

She’s lying. “Don’t go if you don’t want to go,” I say. “I just thought it would be good for you to check it out. You don’t have to make a decision tonight.”

“And if I don’t decide tonight, what then?,” Kerri mutters. “I’m just going to come back here and things are going to stay the same. I can’t get worse, Trace. I need to get my life back and I guess I’ve been too stubborn to do anything about it, even when you went out of your way to make everything okay. I need to do this. I can‘t saddle you with all of this stuff anymore. You know what happened with Tarin…that’s not me, Trace. I hate the person I’m becoming. I--I don’t want to be like him.” She physically shudders.

Elisha shoots me a confused glance, but I don’t feel like getting into what I said to Kerri earlier. Instead, I walk over to Kerri and put my hands on her shoulders. “I didn’t mean to say that,” I whisper and kiss her forehead.

She nods, but quickly backs away from me. “Bye, Trace.”

Without looking back, she takes the car keys from Elisha and walks out the door. Elisha calls out that she’ll be down in a minute, and when Kerri doesn’t respond, I know that she’s really gone. It’s a weird feeling. I keep telling myself that it’s just for the weekend, but then I remember that it’s probably not. In all likelyhood she’s going to move into this ‘place’ and stay there for awhile. It’s for the best. But I feel like I’m letting her down. I was supposed to be the one that made everything better for her, and now she has to go somewhere else for it to be done. I shouldn’t be thinking so negative, I know. I know she needs to distance herself from everything if she wants to get better. But hell, I tried to distance myself from Justin and Kerri and all I could do was come crawling back.

Maybe I’m just not as strong as Kerri is.

But then again, I wasn’t held at gunpoint. That can change a person.

“Are you going to be okay?,” Elisha speaks up.

I look over at her after a moment or two of staring out into space. “I wanted this for her. So I better be.”

“I’ll bring her home Sunday night,” she says. “I’m sure she’ll have already made her decision by then, and if she wants to go to the place we’ll drive her up there together…okay?”

“Yeah.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Trace.”

And I look up at her.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty. You brought her this far. Far enough to consider getting some real help away from you. Nobody could put you down for that.” She smiles a little, and grabs her purse. “I’ll make sure we call you tomorrow. Just try and get some sleep tonight, all right?”

“Okay.” I force a small smile and wave as she closes the door behind her. I don’t really understand what I just did, or how it’s going to effect Kerri’s life. I know I can’t say anything to anybody about this. As far as the radio station is concerned, Kerri is still living with me. And Lynn…I certaintly can’t fill her in. But what about Kerri’s parents? Are they supposed to know? I guess I’ll leave that up to Kerri. It’s not like her life is in danger or anything. She just needs help. And hopefully she’ll get it in that place.

I feel like another beer so I go to the fridge. I end up just taking the whole six pack out, and I sit on the couch with it. I pop open the first one, and sort of melt away. By the end of the sixth I’m just starting to feel out of it, and so I sit there and let my mind wander…hoping that it will take me far, far away from here.

“So it’s Shane, right?”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t look me directly in the eye. “S-H-A-N-E.”

“Cool.” I glance over the application. He’s worked odd jobs here and there, mostly construction work on big buildings in inner cities. My roster is nearly full but Ben told me I need to find ten more guys. This guy seems pretty qualified. “How do you feel about working ten or more hours a day, Shane?”

His eyes seem to light up at the thought of it. “That would be great.”

I smile. He’s the first one that hasn’t really groaned at the aspect of that kind of schedule. “It’s a lot of climbing rigging and shit, are you good at that?”

“I’m good at a lot of things,” he smiles.

He seems genuine enough, and hell I don’t have enough time to run a background check on all of these guys. I smile at him, and stick out my hand. “Well, welcome,” I smile and he shakes my hand. “When can you start?”

“Whenever boss.” He sits back and crosses his arms. “Just tell me when and where. I‘m pretty dedicated.”

“Shit.” My eyes fly open. I’m sweating, and unable to catch my breath. I look all around me. It was a dream, just a dream. “Shit.” I rub my face with my hands.

Yeah, it still plagues me. And I’ve never told anybody how vividly I’ve come to remember that interview, and all the times I saw that bastard backstage…just staring, with that little smile on his face. I still ask myself why I didn’t push to get him investigated. If I’d just said something to Johnny…I’m sure they would have at least questioned the guy. I was just too afraid that somebody would deem me ‘crazy’, and I knew Justin would have wantd to know why I felt that way about one of ‘his’ employees. I know I was irresponsible, but to this day I’m still battling with the question of whether or not Shane was my fault.

And I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer.

*************

“Can we just take a break today?”

“Nope.” She pulls up on her right leg and stretches out her muscle. “Don’t get like that on me now, Justin. We’ve been doing good this week. I’ve lost a couple of pounds, and you don’t look like the waking dead.” She flashes me a playful smile and starts to jog in place. “If we keep at this who knows? You might end up having a real personality or something.”

“Cute, Mel.”

When Melanie mentioned that she and I would be getting off to a ‘fresh start’, I had no idea that it would entail a five am wake up call everyday, or a two mile run around my neighborhood. I was reluctant at first of course. The first day when she shook me awake and threw my curtains open, I had no problem barking at her to get the hell out of my room. Then she got pissed, asked me if I remembered what we had talked about the night before, and I sort of mellowed. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and ran over in my head what we’d gone over the previous night. I wasn’t’ supposed to be giving her an attitude anymore, because she wasn’t going to tell my mom that I’d been a bad boy and flushed most of my depression medication down the toilet. It made sense to me then. I knew I should have been thankful she was standing there at all, regardless of what time it was. I remember forcing a smile for her, until she told me to cut the crap and put on some jogging clothes.

“Jogging clothes?,” I’d muttered.

But she’d just gone downstairs.

Every morning since then, its been the same routine. She wakes me up, I get dressed, shove some cereal into my mouth, and then we go outside. For the first week Melanie was thoughtful. She kept the whole exercise routine limited to my yard, which isn’t exactly the smallest place in the world. But last week things changed. She said it was time that I started getting out a little bit everyday. Of course, her idea scared the living shit out of me. But for the first time I found myself keeping my feelings hidden from her. It wasn’t because I didn’t want her to rat me out to my mom, surprisingly. No, it was more because I guess…I just didn’t want to disappoint her. I was tired of making her think I was this weak little piece of shit. I wanted to start feeling more like the strong willed, powerful guy that I used to be, and I figured the first step to doing that was to stop being afraid of stupid shit. Yeah the world is fucking scary, but I knew I didn’t want to be a hermit for the rest of my life. And I guess…I really wanted Mel to stick around too.

I didn’t realize how hard it would be to start running again. It slipped my mind I guess, because up until now I’ve been sort of preoccupied with other thoughts. That first morning was terrible. I got a pain in my side within the first hour and I had to stop and rest. Melanie didn’t get mad though…if anything she seemed to understand why I was so out of synch, and I was grateful for that. She made it a point to make sure we stretched afterwards, and she told me that it was going to take some time to start feeling like I used to about running again and shit. I asked her if she doubled as a personal trainer, then she laughed and said no…but that she knew what it was like to let yourself go like I had. I didn’t really get it. But, I didn’t push the subject with her either. Sometimes I think I should have but…I’m kind of afraid. While I want to get to know Melanie really well, there’s this part of me that’s begging me not to. A part of me that’s telling me it’ll be safer if we just keep our relationship professional. Like, she’s here to do her job, and I’m here to get back to my life. I’d listen…I would…

But she’s the only friend I have right now.

Mel sat down with me yesterday afternoon and asked me about Madison. At first I was kind of clueless as to how she knew about her, but then I thought about it, and figured my mom probably filled her in. I told her that I hadn’t been by her office in awhile, but that it was okay. Then she told me my mom had been bringing up the subject of me getting back into going. I didn’t like that, and I made it clear to Melanie that I didn’t. She seemed to get it, not without getting a little pissy with me for giving her an attitude of course.

“It’s good to go to your therapist though,” she’d rolled her eyes a little bit. “She knows more about you than I do anyway.”

I’d rubbed a hand across the back of my neck. “I’m just not comfortable talking to her right now,” I’d said quickly.

“Why?”

It was the million dollar question. One that I certainly wasn’t going to answer for her, because it would have freaked her the hell out. The truth is, I’m afraid of what will happen once I go to see Madison again. I’m afraid of what I might tell her…what she might do, and I can’t deal with that. Yeah, I know what I did to Kerri. It’s a horrible fucking thing but…what’s done is done. She obviously hasn’t said anything about it to anybody, so why should I have to confess all of that to Madison? Of course, I’m not supposed to hold anything back. It’s been a rule since I started going to therapy. But things are different now. A lot different. I just want to move past all of this. But it’s just…so damn hard.

“I’m just trying to move on with my life, Melanie,” I’d told her, pathetically. “I think going to see Madison is almost like taking a step backward.”

Strangely enough, the expression on her face was telling me she kind of agreed, but her response proved me wrong. “Well your mom keeps asking me when you’re going to make an appointment. And you know she’s coming here next week Justin. Why don’t you save yourself a headache and get it out of the way before she gets here?”

I forced myself not to get mad at her. For all I knew, she was under a lot of pressure from my mom. No, Mel never really got into it with me, but I could tell that every time my mom called for her it was all about business. They weren’t buddies like Mel tried to make me think they were. My mom was her boss, and that was it. “I’ll do it for you,” I’d told her, reluctantly reaching into my pocket for my cell phone. “I know how my mom can get.”

“You’re supposed to be doing it for yourself, Justin,” she’d sighed and turned her back to me. “Don’t make your problems about me, okay?”

For a minute I thought I was dealing with Kerri, but then I wizened up. Melanie was just doing her job…just trying to help me. And there I was making up every excuse in the world to make her life harder. I just dialed then…figuring it was better for everybody if I just made nice and did what I was told. I left a message with Madison’s secretary, telling her I’d be in Monday morning for a session. Melanie didn’t seem phased when I got off the phone though. She just told me to hurry up so we could start to fix dinner.

I’m terrified, and it’s hard for me to admit that to myself. Madison used to be my guide, the one person I could trust and confide in without feeling any kind of guilt about it. But now…now I guess I feel like Kerri does about going to see a therapist. It’s like I’m going to talk to a stranger about things I just don’t want to deal with. I guess now I know why Kerri never wanted to go. But I don’t have a choice. It’s either go see Madison or be prepared to be badgered by my mother and disappoint Melanie. Once again I’m doing things to please other people. But the more I think about it, that’s really what I’ve done my whole life anyway. Things didn’t change because of what happened, I guess I’m just more aware of the things I used to let roll off my shoulders in the past.

“You better stop spacing out, or it’s going to be noon by the time we’re done running.” She laughs a little bit and stops jogging in place to sip some water from her bottle. “I’d like to stop sweating some time today.”

“Sorry.” I manage a half smile for her and jog forward to catch up with her. She hands me the water and I take a sip, hoping that it will ease my anxiety for a moment or two. “Thanks.” I hand it back to her and stretch my arms up above my head.