Elisha was supposed to take the drive with Trace and I so she could see me off as I settled into my nut house, but for some reason, at the last possible second, she had to attend a business dinner that she couldn't get out of. I understood I guess. I mean, I know how this business works. Everything is last minute, and some opportunities can't be missed regardless of what else is going on in life. She did promise that she'd come visit me during the week…that we would have dinner or something. I shrugged it off and told her that was fine…that I'd call her.
I won't call.
This weekend was okay. Originally, I was supposed to be working at the radio station all day Saturday but I guess Trace talked to Tarin and had her pull some strings, or some bullshit, and got me out of it. I didn't dwell on it. I figured it was better that I had the time off to collect my thoughts and get myself together before going back to work on Monday. I knew the work week coming up was going to be even more strenuous and crazy than it had ever been before, because there was an event coming up, so I was glad I was getting the chance to prepare myself. Saturday morning Elisha and I took a drive up to the group home to visit her friend and to see what I thought about staying there. It's really serene, despite the fact that it's only about forty minutes from Trace's condo. Just pulling up the driveway, I could already point out three places I'd like to sit and think about things. It seemed promising, for a moment I forgot why I was really there. But then I remembered it wasn't a vacation. Even though Elisha reassured me that the place was nothing like a psychiatric hospital, I was still going to be staying there because I had issues, there was no getting around that. I sucked it up though. Instead of telling her I didn't want to go inside, I took a breath, got out of the car, and followed her inside the building deemed "The Foster Center".
We found Elisha's friend Cassidy after awhile. She was there because she'd gotten into some trouble with drugs, and was trying to overcome addiction. She seemed happy that Elisha had recommended the place to me, but didn't ask me why I needed to stay there. It was better that way. I'm sure she probably figured out who I was after awhile anyway, since I knew Elisha and she'd been engaged to Justin's best friend once upon a time. I was just happy not to be judged, so I tried not to think about her opinions of me as she gave us the grand tour. In all, I was satisfied. It wasn't a scary place, like Orange Valley, and Madison wasn't there. Those were two great reasons to forget about my anxieties all together, but I knew I couldn't. There were still strangers I hadn't met, like Susan, the director of the program. I was nervous about that encounter. I was afraid she'd be like Madison…ask me about Justin, or just pressure me about things in general. Cassidy seemed to like her a lot, and told me a few stories about how Susan had helped her overcome addiction. Of course I smiled and nodded. I wasn't going to be a bitch…but I wasn't ready to settle on somebody else's opinions either.
The house is really homey. The furniture is really cozy, and there's a fireplace in almost every room. I like that. It makes me feel a little more secure, which I'm sure was the purpose of putting them in. There's a kitchen, Cassidy told me that they were free to bring their own food in and make whatever they wanted to. Then there's a computer room, a living room which doubles as a meeting place, and two full bathrooms. The upper level of the house is where all the bedrooms are, and another partial bathroom. In all, it's really nice. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with the place, and the best part is…I won't have to share a room with anybody, and that was something I'd been really worried about.
About an hour before we left the home, Susan showed up. Apparently she'd been out visiting with family for most of the afternoon, and had just returned. Cassidy was quick to introduce me, and I shook her hand and smiled pleasantly. I'd looked over my shoulder for a split second, and Elisha seemed to have disappeared. I was kind of pissed. She knew I was uncomfortable around strangers, but I guess it was just her way of allowing me to acquaint myself with my new surroundings. Whatever, I know she always means well but…I wasn't ready to be left alone. After our quick greeting, Susan invited me to come to her office for a few minutes so she could get settled and 'get to know me a little bit'. I had to hold my groan back, but I agreed because I knew I didn't really have a choice.
Susan's office, like the rest of the house, was cozy and laid back. The couch was old and broken in, perfect for laying on and falling asleep. I had thought to myself how much Justin would have liked it, and I wanted to vomit at the thought. The last person I'd wanted to think about on that particular day was Justin, but for whatever reason…I couldn't help myself. I think Susan had sensed my mood then, because she started to ramble on about the home, the people there, and that she wanted me to consider if it was the right place for me. I listened intently for the most part. She seemed nice, not so fake…not so pushy. I mean, of course I knew I had to stay. Trace had basically told me he couldn't handle my issues anymore and I certainly wasn't going to go back and live with him if that was the case.
"So," she'd sighed, once she'd finished filling me in. "Why are you here?"
I'd kind of stared at her stupidly for a few minutes. I mean, I had thought she'd been filled in beforehand, but I guess that I was wrong. "Well, some things happened to me…" I'd trailed off and looked at the ground. I was embarrassed. I suddenly remembered how hard it was for me to talk about everything, and just why it was that I hadn't been able to communicate with a shrink. I felt myself retreat, ball up. My mind wouldn't allow myself to confess anything. It convinced me that it was better to hide. "I just need to get out on my own," I'd blurted out.
"You and I know that's not true," Susan had said, the amount of impatience in her voice growing. "If you're going to do this, if you're going to be here, you have to want to change. You can't just be doing this because your friends think it's a great idea."
I'd shrugged. "I cause trouble wherever I go."
"Your issues allow you to cause trouble, Kerri," she'd informed me. "You have to learn how to move on from them. Right now they are controlling your life, and you need to be stronger than that."
The tears started then. I hated it. I wasn't ready to cry in front of her. I'd done it enough, in front of too many people. "Maybe I should go," I'd sniffled, rising up from the sofa.
"How many shrinks and self help groups have you walked away from before me?," she'd asked, sternly.
"I…" I'd licked my lips. "Two."
"Why?"
"I can't just tell you." I'd said, looking at her like she was nuts. "People don't understand. They look at me and find out who I am…what I've been through, who I know, and they just assume things about me. I can't…deal with that anymore."
"Then don't." She'd sat up straighter in her desk chair. "Don't let me assume who you are, Kerri. You have to let me know who you are, because you're the only one who really knows."
I'd sat down, the shock of her attitude hitting me hard. Nobody I'd ever talked to had been so pushy with me before. She wasn't motherly, and she wasn't a know it all. She was telling me like it was. This was life. And I wanted to beat something. I realized then that the only way I could even start to become…better, was to give in and spill everything to her. It was strange because she was as much of a stranger to me as a person standing on the street corner…but for some reason, none of that mattered. I just…I knew I could tell her things and she'd be okay with it. She wouldn't tell me what to do to help Justin, she'd tell me what I needed to do to help me. "I came home for a family reunion a few months ago," I'd started off. "And I ended up with a gun to my head for three days. It's hard for me to…to get into it…" I'd had to stop then, my emotions getting too much to handle. "Just, my friend…things happened to him and I know that they wouldn't have if I hadn't been there."
"Kerri."
I'd somehow managed to look at her.
"You can't blame yourself for things that were out of your control. And if you'll let me, let us…I think you can beat this thing. But you're going to have to work hard. Nobody is going to be able to change things for you, except yourself. Do you think you're ready to handle that?"
"I think so…"
"That's not good enough," she'd snapped. "You have to want it."
"I do want it!" I'd yelled. "God, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of not sleeping and I'm tired of crying all the time! I've lost friends, I barely talk to my family…"
"Then prove to yourself that you want to change," she'd demanded. "Get yourself moved in, and when you get back from work on Monday night, I want to see you in group…8pm sharp."
"What if I can't change," I'd murmured. "What if this is just how I'm supposed to be now."
"Kerri."
I looked up at her. For the first time, the stern gaze in her eyes had softed, and she looked like she wanted nothing more than to help me.
"If I knew you couldn't change, I would have sent you on your way instead of telling you to come to group," she said softly, stepping around her desk to sit next to me on the couch. "I can tell you're stronger than you think. But I think that you've let things get to you , and that you've lost touch with who you are. Am I touching base a little bit?"
"Yes," I'd nodded, the disbelief in my voice more than noticeable. "But how can you just…know?"
She smiled then, and helped me to my feet. "You remind me of someone I used to know. Now go, I know you probably have more things to take care of before we see each other again, right?"
It was only then that I was able to remember that Elisha was somewhere in the house waiting for me. It was weird. I could have just stayed there then, and not worried about my possessions that were back at Trace's place. None of it seemed to matter. I knew that I could have sat in that room with Susan for hours, and told her all of my problems until I was blue in the face. Something inside of me changed. I felt myself let go of my Trace and Justin anxiety for that brief few minutes. I saw the future. I saw myself getting ahead, bettering myself, being acknowledged at work, and starting my life again. The fact that Justin was probably wallowing in his own misery didn't seem to matter. The fact that I'd hurt Trace…didn't seem to matter. "I'll be back," I reassured Susan as I walked toward the doorway.
She'd nodded. "I know."
I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out at Elisha's house. Surprisingly I'd allowed her to take me out to a new restaurant with her and some of her friends. It was nice. I'd never really hung around Elisha enough to get to know her friends, but they seemed like a nice group of girls. The didn't delve into my personal life, which I was thankful for, but I'm sure that Elisha had warned them not to beforehand. I felt so comfortable that night. Normal. Actually, I think Trace could have even been there and I would have been fine with it. I laughed a lot, over stupid jokes that didn't make sense. I ate way too much, and I even went out to the dance floor and danced with Elisha and her friends for a little while. For a moment I felt like…a normal human being again. I felt like Kerri Donnovan. Not Kerri, Justin's friend. Not Kerri, Trace's friend. Not Kerri…that girl who got kidnapped. I felt like myself, for the first time in fucking forever. Elisha even pointed out how well I'd handled the outing on the way back to her place that night.
I didn't think I'd have an issue getting to bed.
I woke up screaming at around three o'clock., drenched in sweat. It had been another nightmare, about…things. I'd been so angry for allowing myself to think that I could have just gone to bed without an issue. And I was even angrier when Elisha came bursting into the room, a look of pure terror on her face.
"Ker! What's the matter?" She'd immediately sat down on the bed, as I'd obviously had become hysterical at this point. "It's okay," she'd told me, wrapping her arms around me and rocking me a little bit in her arms. "You're okay."
When I finally managed to get a hold of myself, I told her I'd just had a nightmare and she could go back to bed. Naturally she didn't want to leave me by myself, so I confessed to her that it happened to me all the time and she shouldn't lose sleep over it.
"What do you mean, it happens all the time?," she'd said, running a hand through her hair. "I mean, Trace said you were having problems but I thought you were past not sleeping and stuff like that?"
Most nights I woke up crying from a nightmare, Trace wouldn't hear me, and I'd been thankful. It was only in those few instances, when I was literally screaming, that he would rush into my room. Most of the time he was so exhausted, he just stumbled over to my bed and slept there the rest of the night. I felt bad for doing that to him, so lately I've only been sleeping for two or three hours at a time, hoping that the nightmares won't be given the chance to form that way. They still do though. So now I'm an exhausted, moody mess, instead of just a moody mess. I think it has a lot do with why I lost it on Trace the other night, and big part of the reason I agreed to live elsewhere
"I don't know," I'd continued, still breathing heavily. "I try not to dream but I mean…how can I prevent it? I usually don't sleep like this, because when I do…this is what happens, Elisha." I'd allowed myself to lean against her shoulder then, and wrap my arms around her. "I'm so scared sometimes. It just seems like…I keep reliving everything that happened. I don't want to think about it when I'm awake so I guess…I guess that's why it comes to me in dreams."
"Listen to me," she'd said, pulling away from me so she could look me in the eye. "You need to get some kind of medication, Kerri. Something that's going to help you sleep. You can't keep going on like this, okay? It's a big part of the reason why you're such a mess right now."
I wanted to tell her that the reason I'd woken up screaming wasn't because I was reliving the kidnapping like so many times before. No…this time it had been about Justin, but there was no way I could have told Elisha that. It doesn't happen all that often. I think that might have been the fourth or fifth nightmare I'd had about him. He'd been beating the daylights out of me in the dream, and I hadn't been able to stop him. He screamed at me. He told me he never loved me, and that nobody in their right mind ever would…because I was such a manipulative little bitch. That's when he pulled out the gun.
And it went off.
I hadn't said much in response to Elisha's advice. I have no desire to take pills, because I know I have a good chance of becoming addicted to something like that, and the last thing I need is to have some kind of pill popping issue. I just told her that I'd like some water, and when she came back with it, I felt strong enough to tell her I'd be fine to go back to bed. Of course she didn't believe me, but she didn't protest against my wishes either. She just told me she'd be across the hall if I needed anything, and left me to my thoughts. I didn't end up going back to sleep, but really, I wasn't expecting to anyway.
We're at Denny's of all places. I already ate, but Trace told me he was starving and didn't want to go home and eat alone, he said it was too depressing. So I agreed, begrudgingly, that I'd stop here with him so he could eat without being depressed. I was a little pissed off. I just wanted to get in the car and get back to Susan's at a decent time so I could get settled. It's weird enough that I'm going to be sleeping in a strange place for the first time tonight. I don't know though. I think while Trace knows this is the best thing for me, he's really going to miss having me around, and he's trying to prolong our separation for as long as he can. I don't blame him.
This whole thing is my fault anyway.
I wasn't as shocked as I was angry at myself, when Trace told me he knew what I'd done to Tarin. I couldn't believe that I'd sat back and figured I'd gotten away with something like that. And when Trace told me I was turning into Justin, I knew he was right. I was hurting him and he cared about me. All he was doing was trying to move on with his life, and I'd had more than my chance to start dating him. I know why I'd been so hell bent on keeping him to myself. Trace has been the only one that's supported me through everything I've been through, and I didn't want his attention taken away from me. But that wasn't right. Because while I did want his attention, it annoyed the hell out of me that he wasn't being his own person...that he was just catering to me. I was contradicting myself, and it was childish. Trace had every right to simply throw me out of the house…send me back to Tennessee to live with my parents. But he didn't. He didn't want to do that to me. He knows how hard it is for me to put up with my parents, having to act like I'm more stable than I really am. So he did the next best thing. He reached out to a friend, who in turn, helped him to find a better solution.
And I love him for that. So much.
"You know," Trace says, with pancake stuffed in his mouth. "People underestimate Denny's."
I take a sip from my milkshake. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I mean, for 5.99 you can get three pancakes, two eggs, and hash browns…and they're hot too," he grins at me stupidly and guzzles some of his milk. "Everywhere else around here charges you ten bucks for just an egg. People don't know what they're missing."
It always baffles me. Despite the fact that Trace has made millions of dollars working for Justin, he still looks for a bargain. He's not really one to spend money on expensive clothes, but I think that's because he'd rather design his own. He's also not one to go out to a really expensive dinner, or buy expensive food at the grocery store unless there's a good reason for him to. I think it's because of how he was raised. Trace's mom always had to pinch pennies when we were young. His father was always out of a job, and she didn't make much money working as a secretary. While Justin's family and my family always had money to spare, I often found myself walking to the bus stop with Trace and Justin on the first day of school, with Trace wearing the same clothes he'd had the previous year. I'd feel bad for him, and I know Justin felt terrible. I'd see Trace in a lot of Justin's old clothes some of the time, knowing that Lynn had taken it upon herself to be charitable as Trace's mom was Lynn's best friend.
Things are different now of course. When Trace made his first big earnings, he sent all the money to his mom, who in turn…knocked down their shanty of a house and built a big new one. I thought it was sweet of him. I know he was happy to do it, because his father had never been able to provide anything nice for the family. I try not to talk about a lot of that with Trace though. I don't know why. Maybe I should have. I guess I figured he had Justin to talk about that kind of crap with, and he didn't need me. Besides, he was traveling around with Justin so much, I doubt he had time to think about the bad parts of his childhood.
Trace looks really good. He's clean, he looks like he's slept, and he also looks like he's been having some fun. I haven't asked about what he's been doing or who he's been doing it with, but I don't think I have to. The name Tarin comes to mind and that's the only answer I need. But it's good. He's better off hanging out with her and moving on with his life. I'm too much of a mess to handle. He's made that crystal clear to me. I looked in the mirror before I left the house tonight. I hated the person that I saw. Really, I could have passed for a druggie. My hairs a mess, my face is pale, my eyes are sunken in and bloodshot. It's no wonder people run for the hills when I come around. Nobody needs a pile of shit dumped in their lap. I know I wouldn't.
"Kerri."
I glance at him. He seems concerned, probably because I haven't been saying much since we got in the car, and even less since we've sat down. "I'm all right," I say, hoping that I'll be able to reassure him.
He sighs. "I'm worried about….what this is going to do to you."
"What's it going to do to me?," I laugh lightly. "I took a tour, Trace. I met the director. I feel like it's where I belong. You don't have to feel like…you're blowing me off or something."
"What happens if you wake up in the middle of the night?" He says softly, his eyes darting around us like somebody might hear him. "Those people…they don't know what to do."
I lean my elbows on the table, and prop my head up with my hands, squeezing my eyes shut for a few moments so I can prolong the headache I feel coming on. "I need to learn how to handle things on my own," I tell him, once I'm able to look at him again. "That's a big reason why I'm going to be living there."
"Elisha said you've been having nightmares."
I groan. Damn her. I mean, I figured she might have said something, but I guess I was hoping she would wait until I'd gotten settled away from Trace and everything. "You know I have nightmares. That's nothing new."
"Kerri," he sighs. "It's just that…I mean, are you sure you don't want to tell me anything?"
This leads back to the meltdown I had on Friday night. I didn't care then, but now I could kick myself for allowing myself to slip up like I had. I gave so much away, basically told Trace there was a lot more to my story than what he knew. Why'd I do it? I guess when Trace told me he was going to see Lynn it got to me. I was afraid she'd fill his mind with a lot of things, tell him Justin wasn't wrong…that I was wrong. And then I'd be forced to see him again. I couldn't handle that….even now, if Justin came around, I know I'd have a meltdown all over again. And I wanted to tell him, I wish like hell that I could have. But I know what the consequences would have been. Trace has his own private reasons for not talking to Justin at the moment, and I for one…wasn't going to give him another devastating blow. "There's nothing to say," I whisper, looking down into my milkshake again.
"Kerri, if there's an issue, or something you're holding back, I'd rather you just tell me. Why keep it from me? It doesn't make sense."
"Damn it, Trace," I snap. "Maybe I don't want to fucking tell you."
"Oh."
He seems to retreat very quickly, and I feel my heart sink. Great Kerri, way to make the kid feel like an even bigger asshole. "Trace, look I…"
"Forget it."
He says it almost too quietly, and when he slides himself out of the booth and starts to put on his jacket, I know that he's officially given up. A part of me is wild about that, but mostly…I feel like a stupid, worthless, idiot. "I…"
He throws a few bills down on the table. "Let's go."
He walks away, and I'm left staring after him. He barely ate half of his meal, and I know that he's just disgusted with me right now. After everything that he chose to confess to me, and after how he put his own life second, simply so that I'd have a shot of making it with my own, I still choose to make him a third wheel. God fucking forbid somebody else has a vendetta against Justin. God forbid somebody know how violent he's become…how dangerous he can be. He proved it to me, and I still choose to protect him. I still hold him to a higher regard. Why? Fucking why?
I look at the floor and my vision is immediately flooded with tears.
Because I know I still love him, despite the fact that I say I hate him. And despite the fact that I've said I never want to see him again, I know that if he walked through that door right now, I'd probably fall to my knees and cry to him about how much I really do need him, and that I forgive him for what he did. It's pathetic, but I know it's true. Maybe I'd be scared at first, but it wouldn't last. And if Trace knew about what happened, I know he wouldn't' let me within ten feet of Justin. I guess I don't want that. I want to be able to make my own choices. So yeah, I guess I don't hate Justin as much as I thought. Strongly dislike? At the moment yes. Does what he did terrify me? Of course.
But then I think back to that basement, his strong arms, and his hopeful eyes, and I forget about that monster. I can only focus on the Justin I thought I knew, and what he sacrificed for my safety.
And I just want him back.
The realization makes me want to vomit, but I hold it all in as I head back to the car and get in. Trace is fumbling with the radio, and barely takes notice of me as we pull out of the parking lot. I can't say anything. Partially because I don't really know what to say, and also because I don't want to vomit all over the leather interior.
"I had lunch with Lynn," he says after awhile.
I knew that was coming, so I don't act surprised. I'm in too much of a daze to show any kind of expression really, so I simply focus my gaze out the window and get out a "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
It's silent for about another twenty minutes. I guess he's waiting for me to ask him about it, but the thing about that is, I don't want to know.
"I might go visit Justin."
It's the next thing he says to me, and this time, I feel myself go numb. I can't look at him, because I know I'll start crying, so I just remain focused on the scenery outside. "Okay."
"I just feel like it's something I need to do," he explains. "And I…I wasn't going to tell you but I felt like if I didn't it wouldn't be right."
"I told you before," I speak up. "You should talk to him again. You need to. He's your friend."
"He used to be yours too, Ker," he sighs.
"So?"
"I just…I get the feeling that whatever it is that's making you upset has a lot to do with Justin," he admits. "Maybe that's stupid. Maybe you're just upset because he didn't come to the hospital, and that's why you don't like to talk about him. It just makes me so mad that I can't figure it out, Ker. I've told you everything. I figured you'd be able to do the same with me. Justin is a part of both of our lives, like it or not. I hate to put it that way, but you have to face facts sometime, and I think I've avoided the subject for your sake long enough."
He's just not going to stop, and in turn, I'm going to end up puking all over the place. I start to feel light headed, and squeeze my eyes shut for a few moments, hoping that the feeling will pass.
You want to be with me," I repeat, this time sobbing out the words. I'm shocked that it's coming together. Shocked that after all of these years, after all of the heartache and pain and separation and tragedy…we're finally getting our chance. It's so unbelievable to me in fact, that I can't help but be a little weary. "Justin, I can't…"
He laughs lightly, lovingly, and wraps me up in his strong arms. "Kerri, it's okay."
"But what if…"
But his lips on mine silence my discouraging speech. We kiss wildly, furiously, our tongues dueling senselessly. Our breathing heavy, rapid. I hear myself say his name, over and over…and then he says mine. And it's so fucking beautiful that I start to cry all over again. But it doesn't seem to make him nervous, and it doesn't' make him stop kissing me. If anything, it makes our passion that much more intense. He cradles me in his arms as I cry, taking care to kiss the tears off of my cheeks, all the while whispering my name in my ear.
"Shit." My eyes snap open. I can't do this. I need to get away from Trace, and I need to stop thinking about Justin before it drives me crazy. "Just stop it," I snap at him. "Why are you pressuring me about Justin all of a sudden? You used to be so cautious before."
"I never thought Justin was a big part of your emotional issue," he tells me. "I thought that when you split up and separated yourself from him, that was that. I'm not saying you should see him again if you don't want to. I just…think…maybe you can start talking about it."
"You want me to talk about it," I let out a bitter laugh. "You know why? Because it will make you feel less guilty about going to see him. I told you before, Trace. I don't fucking care if you two become friends again."
"But you do Kerri. Otherwise you wouldn't turn into such a wreck when his name comes up."
"Then don't bring his name up."
He groans. "Justin is family, Kerri. At least he is to me, and when I saw Lynn she kind of made me realize some things. I think…maybe I'm being kind of pig headed just turning my back on him like this. You have more than enough reasons to avoid him for however long you need to. I just can't do it though. Maybe I'm weak or something but…that's just how it is."
I won't ask about Lynn, how she looked, how she seemed, or what she told him. As far as that woman is concerned, I'm a stupid idiot. The bond we shared once upon a time is long gone, and I know I'll never get it back. While it hurts, it's not the most important thing I need to be thinking about. It's just another thing that resides in the pile of 'mistakes' in the back of my mind. "Trace if you want to get back on track with Lynn and Justin just fucking do it!," I say, my patience wearing thin. "What is it? Are you looking for my blessing or something?"
"Maybe…I don't know. I just…"
"It's. Fucking. Fine." I cross my arms stubbornly. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
And he doesn't say anything else about it. Actually, he's silent for the rest of our trip. I start to feel a little guilty for snapping at him, but at the same time he should have known better than to bring stuff like that up on a day like today. Couldn't he have just held out until later in the week, or hell at least until tomorrow afternoon when he picks me up from work? I'd be stupid to think he would though. He's so nervous about Justin…anything to do with him, that he really needed to hear me yell at him to go and do what he has to do. Even though I was kind of a bitch, in a small way, I know I reassured him a little bit. And I'm happy for him. I know it's going to be better for him if he resolves his issues with Justin and Lynn. They really are like family. They always have been.
And despite their welcome, I know I was always an outside party.
It's nearly nine when we pull up the familiar driveway. Trace shuts off the engine and just sits there for a few minutes, silent…deep in thought. I don't move. I don't really know what to do. I mean, I'd like to just get my shit and go inside but I know I can't do that. I'm concerned for Trace. I don't want him to walk away from this thinking I hate him. I don't. It's just when it comes to Justin, there's so much to consider, and so much he can't know about. "You're my best friend," I whisper after awhile. "Nothing is ever going to change that Trace, you know?"
He looks over at me. The tired expression on his face is more than obvious, but he smiles for me anyway. "Yeah, I know," he nods. "I know that Ker."
More silence continues as we get out of the car and grab my luggage out of the trunk. He won't allow me to carry anything heavier than my overnight bag and backpack, and I'm immediately reminded of that guy I've always known. Trace, ever the gentleman. Trace, the one who always had it together. Trace, the one who was always there, no matter what.
"This is pretty nice," he says, once we get up on the porch. "Looks like home."
I have to agree. The porch and the porch swing, along with the stained glass door remind me a lot of the houses back in Shelby Forest. I feel my heart twinge a little bit with emotion. I almost miss it there, but I don't dwell on it for long. "Yeah," I say quietly. "I think I'll be comfortable here."
"I'm sorry about all the stuff that's happened over the past couple of weeks. I know a lot of it was my fault, and it confused you. I let myself slip up, you know? I always seem to do that."
He's talking about the messing around part of our friendship, that lasted all of an hour. While it did confuse me, the more I think about it, the more I don't regret it. I think it almost needed to happen, just to get some aggression out of our systems. While I'd never kiss Trace again, or touch him like that again, I don't regret that it happened anymore either. "I don't regret what happened," I tell him. "You shouldn't either."
He nods, and shoves his hands in his pockets. "Well I guess…I'll see you in the morning." He rocks back on his heels, and I know how insecure he must feel right now. "Right?"
"Yeah." I can't say it too loudly, because I feel the ball in my throat growing larger, telling me I'm about to crack. "I'll be out front at seven thirty or so."
He pulls me to him then, and hugs me for a long time after that. I return the embrace whole heartedly. It's times like this that I see that Trace that I've always known, and I'm reminded of how much he means to me. "Thank you," I whisper. "And I'm sorry."
"Bye." He kisses my cheek quickly and runs down to his car. He wont let me see his face, and I know that he's crying pretty hard. I watch as he starts up the car and backs out of the driveway. One honk later he's vanished from site, and I'm standing alone on the porch. It's a quiet evening, warm, and so I don't go inside right away. I sit down on the steps and listen to the crickets chirping. Then I look up at the sky…and I see the stars…
"You're going to be in so much trouble when they find out you snuck out."
"Come on," he laughs heartily as he helps me up the steep incline leading to the top of the hill. "You gotta start living a little Ker. You can't be a small town girl when you're on a nation wide tour. People will think you're too humble. Taking risks is a part of life."
We sit down side by side on the hill, and for a moment, I can't reply to his comment because I'm too busy looking out over downtown Los Angeles. I don't know how he even knew about this place, but I'll hand it to Justin…
He's good.
"It's amazing up here," I say, like a stupid dork. But he doesn't make fun of me. He pulls me close to him after a moment, and drapes an arm around my shoulder.
"I hate being apart," he sighs. "We're leaving for Germany in four weeks, and I want you there."
"You know I can't," I groan, and look up at him. "Schools starting, and you know my parents didn't even want me coming out here this summer with you."
"Yeah but I miss you," he chides and nudges me a little bit. "I swear to god they'll never now you're gone. We'll put a blow up doll in your bed and say you have malaria."
"A blow up doll?"
"Yeah, Trace must have one lying around somewhere. It might be midget sized though."
"That's mean." But I can't help but crack up along with him.
"Look."
He points up to the sky then, and I stare up along with him. The stars are beautiful tonight, and as I peer at the spot he's pointing out, I see that comet he was so intent on seeing, floating by. "That's so cool," I tell him.
"I wasn't going to miss it for anything," he says, triumphantly. "I always miss them…," He pauses and looks down upon me. "Like I always miss you."
Then we kissed.
I have to wipe my eyes pretty hard, to make the tears stop. It's terrible that I'm sitting out here, dwelling on past memories that don't even matter anymore. Fuck, I was seventeen. Seventeen years old. It's amazing how I could think I had it all figured out at seventeen. How I knew I was going to be with Justin forever, and that he was always going to love me. Seventeen.
I wish I could be seventeen and naïve again. And I look up at the stars as I think this.
But I know that it's not going to work. Because wishing on a star is as uncertain as telling somebody you can't live without them.
You never really know what you mean.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
