I've never been this nervous about going to see Madison before. I wasn't even this bad the first time I stepped through her office door. I was quiet if anything, definitely not a wreck like I am now. I guess a lot of my anxiety has to do with the fact that I haven't spoken with her in a really long time, and I have all this shit I've been keeping inside of me, that I'm just not ready to talk about with her…or anyone. I know I don't have much of a choice though. As it is, my mom is still here and she knows about my appointment today. She's fucking ecstatic about it, so ecstatic in fact that she asked me if she could come for the ride and wait for me outside. I painstakingly told her no, even though I knew it would annoy her, and hurt her. I just couldn't' have her here. I didn't want her to see how nervous I was, and after our little chat at lunch the other day…I guess I've been trying as hard as I can not to let the new animosity I have towards her rear its ugly head.

Even though I was scared to death the entire time, I forced myself through a quiet lunch at Simon LA for my mother's sake the other day. It's her favorite restaurant, and whenever she's in town we usually make it a habit to have a meal there at least twice. I guess I wanted things to seem as normal as possible, so when she asked me where I'd like to eat, I just told her we could go there. She was pleased, but I was nauseated. More than ever, I'd wished Melanie had been there. I thought I might have been a lot less insecure, just having her there next to me at the table. But she wasn't there, and for the first time in a long time I'd had to put my smile on and bear being out in public for an hour or two with my mom. If it had been any other place I might have been able to act a little bit more sane too, but Simon LA is constantly crawling with industry people as it's right in the vicinity of recording studios, sound studios, and record company offices. Before the kidnapping, when I was normal, I used to like going there. It was a place I was able to catch up with people I didn't get to see all that often, and most of the time…it was how I was filled in on the happenings around town…who was putting out what, who was filming what, and who just…wasn't.

Eric had called ahead I guess, because when we got there we were greeted right away, and escorted to a table far in the back of the restaurant, away from the masses…and away from the windows. I was thankful, and I made a note to thank Eric later for making things so easy for me. He'd sat in a chair by the archway while my mom and I looked over our menus. The waitress came quickly, and we both put in orders for simple Caesar salads and soups. I didn't say much, just that it was nice to be out with her, and that I'd missed her a lot. She'd kind of smiled, before slowly putting down the PDA she'd been toying with and looking at me. I knew something was up. She had that look on her face like there was a bunch of shit she'd been holding back from me. I knew it because she'd always use that same look when I'd been on tour for awhile, and had just put on three nights worth of shows. She'd always be cautious of springing stuff on me then, because I was usually so tired and irritable, that I wouldn't care about snapping at her if it meant she'd leave me alone to sleep.

But I knew damn well that there was no way I could snap at her that day.

"Justin."

"It's okay," I'd said immediately. "Whatever you need to say, I'll listen all right? I haven't seen you so…I've been expecting to get filled in. How is everyone? How's Nana and Pop?"

"Good." She'd said it much too quickly for me to believe her, but I didn't ask anymore questions. I figured waiting for her to spill her guts was better, because just like me…she needed time to think before she spoke. "Everyone has been asking about you," she'd said, cautiously. "They all want you to come home."

I'd shrugged and folded my arms across my chest. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

She hadn't relented. "Yes, we do."

I'd glanced at Eric quickly, just to see if he was paying attention. He wasn't' of course. As always, his gaze was focused in the direction opposite of me, making sure nobody dared to enter our private area. "Why?," I'd asked her finally. "I asked you to fill me in mom, not make me feel guilty about things. Do you not think I feel bad about Christmas? I do…I just…I was having issues and…"

"Poppa is still upset about Christmas," she'd interrupted. "We all knew you were at your fathers, but when you didn't call…that was just disrespectful Justin. It angered a lot of people, not just me, and not just your grandparents either."

I felt like crying, but Shane was talking to me a little bit and calling me a pussy and I just wasn't going to let him get to me. I refused. So I just looked at my mom, dead in the eye, practically hating her for what she was saying to me. "You just don't fuckin' understand," I'd grunted. "You never will."

"That's not fair."

"How?" I'd shook my head. "I told you. I'm afraid. Why can't you just accept that?"

"Because it's ridiculous," she'd said, her expression warning me to lower my voice. "Those men took you, yes. I understand all of that. But you can't just abandon your family because you're afraid of remembering things. That's why we sent you to Madison, so you could overcome some of that and be strong again. And I…I just don't know. It's like, you were doing all right and then you had a complete relapse. That's something I'll never understand."

I'd looked down at my lap, the things she was saying were being absorbed into my psyche and I wasn't handling it well. I felt my face becoming hot, and my vision started to become blurred. "I'm sorry."

"That might be fine for me to hear," she'd said. "But for other members of this family, it's not enough to know that you're sorry you've been neglecting them, Justin. They need to know that you still care enough to make an effort, because they'd do anything for you. We love you. Can't you just see that?"

"Okay." I didn't know what else to say. Either way, like it or not, she was going to win. I was going back home for a visit, come hell or high water. Back to Shelby Forest, back to my old, beloved neighborhood. Back to town, back to the country store…

And back to the small shopping plaza I vowed I'd never set foot near again.

"Okay, what?"

I'd looked at her, not being able to hide my tears anymore. I'd rubbed my eyes gently, letting out a long sigh. "Okay," I'd repeated. "Whatever you want, ma."

"Don't make me feel like the bad guy," she'd groaned. "I'm concerned. Everybody is." She'd paused and reached into her pocketbook then, fishing a folded piece of paper out of it a moment later. "Here. Just look at this."

I'd taken the paper from her, and nearly fell off of my comfortable couch like seat when I saw that it was a wedding invitation. Before I even started to read it, I scanned my mind desperately to see if I could remember who was engaged the last time I was sane. Trace's siblings were pretty young for that kind of thing and well…I was an only. I racked my brain for my list of cousins. Then I remembered the last time I talked to my cousin Rachael, she'd told me that her brother and his girlfriend were getting a little serious. Don't ask my why the fuck I remembered something as mediocre as that, but I guess I was so shocked that my mother was basically ordering me to do something, that my mind forced the memory out from the depths. As my eyes scanned the invitation, I found that I was indeed right. Rachael's brother, my cousin Joe, was to be blissfully wed a month and a half from that very day. To say I wanted to puke was an understatement.

I'm surprised that I didn't.

"Rach's brother," I'd muttered.

"Right."

I tossed the paper on the table in disgust. "You expect me to go to this thing? I'm barely managing to keep myself calm at this restaurant, and Eric is guarding the door!" I hadn't wanted to admit that to her, but I wanted to get my point across so badly that I felt I had no other choice. Of course, her expression was less than inviting after that, but I just didn't care. I felt like I was being pressured when I wasn't supposed to be…by my own mother. It just wasn't fucking right.

"It's a family obligation," she'd said to me, angrily. "And I'm not going to tolerate these ridiculous excuses of yours anymore, Justin. You've had a long time to collect yourself. I've gotten you help, and you even have Melanie at the house taking care of things for you. There's not a reason in this world why you can't take three or four days and attend an important family event."

I'd swallowed hard. "Do you remember what happened the last time I attended an important family event?"

"Stop letting the kidnapping run your life," she'd snapped at me. "It's not fair to me, and its certainly not fair to everybody else that cares about you."

I don't think I ever saw my mother act that way before in my life. And…I don't think I'd ever had the word hate pop into my mind regarding her either. It made me feely really, really terrible. But I just didn't want to go. I had no reason to. I was fine where I was, safe in my house, joking around with Melanie and becoming a better person in the long run. Going back to Tennessee meant a lot of things. It meant memories, it meant seeing all the locals I grew up with, and my disgruntled relatives. It also meant seeing Trace, because I was sure he and his family had been invited. I was sure, and still am sure, that he fucking hated me, and I didn't want to end up getting into it with him and ruining my cousins wedding.

But more importantly…

I knew more than anything, that Kerri was going to be there too. Her family was always invited to everything in the past, so there was no reason why they'd be left out of something as important as a wedding. And I knew Kerri's parents. They always forced her into those kind of things. She couldn't say no to them. She'd be there. There was no question in my mind about that.

And I really…I knew I couldn't handle her presence. Not at all.

"I'm not going," I'd told her stubbornly. "I'm sorry mom, I am. But I just can't."

"You're going," she ordered.

"No."

"Justin."

She'd narrowed her eyes at me then, and glared at me. The only other time I can remember my mom ever giving me that look, was when I was in the fifth grade and I pulled Betty Lynn's hair during recess. I'd gotten detention for it, and when my mom had picked me up from school later that day she'd given me that same angry, narrowed eyed look. It had put the fear of god in me then, and fuck…it made me feel the same way in that moment too.

"You're going to that wedding."

I blinked. "Oh, okay."

The food came, and we ate in silence for awhile. It was probably good, because I knew I was on the verge of freaking out, and my mom was probably ready to just abandon me at the restaurant. I was finished with my soup and halfway through my salad when she decided to speak up again. I'd held my breath as she started to tell me about her luncheon with Clive Davis two weeks back. I figured the only reason he'd been having lunch with my mother was to tell her that the industry had decided to drop me. Of course, I wouldn't have been in a fit of tears over it. Music is, and will always be my passion. But I knew my life came first, and I needed to get it back.

"He and Johnny think it might be a good idea if you did a couple of radio interviews," she'd said quietly. "Nothing big…just to let people know that you're still around. He said that maybe you should write a few songs, make them sort of like b-sides and they can re-release Justified in a deluxe edition for the fans. If anything, Justin, it will satisfy Jive's bitching about finances until you feel you're able to tour again."

I knew for the most part, the executives at Jive and BMG, and the people even further up the chain in the music industry didn't resent the fact that I'd chosen to take some time for myself. It was only because I'd cancelled a tour that was already bought and paid for, that some people were showing slight animosity towards me. Of course I'd expected it when I'd broken the news to Johnny that I wouldn't be going overseas after all. He'd told me that while he understood, a lot of people were going to be angry, and that I'd eventually have to face the consequences. At the time I didn't really care. I was too fucked up over what I'd done to Kerri and Trace to think about anything else. But when my mother had brought the subject up, I hadn't hesitated to take what Clive had said seriously. The message was clear. Even though he hadn't put it to my mother in a bad way, he'd basically said my career was at stake and I needed to do something, no matter how small, to keep my name floating around. But a radio interview was something I'd loathed even before I'd gone crazy, so I didn't know how I was supposed to give one in my current state of mind. Writing additional songs, I also knew, would be an issue. It was obvious that I hadn't been inspired to do much of anything, let alone write music, in quite some time. I didn't really know what to think, but I knew that if my career sputtered out like a bad flame I would definitely regret it later on.

"When does he need an answer?," I'd asked her, seriously.

"Johnny told me you should take your time and think about it for a couple of weeks. If you feel you want to handle things differently, just let him know. You're lucky Justin. Clive wants to hear your ideas, and he wants you to be comfortable with what you're doing. You know he wouldn't give many other artists this type of treatment," she'd frowned. "So I'd really take a week, not two, and give Johnny a call, at least about the radio spots. Clive shouldn't have to wait."

It was the first thing we'd discussed since she arrived that made sense. While he made me nervous as hell sometimes, I had really learned to know and love the great Clive Davis well over the years. He'd taken me under his wing when I'd come to him about wanting to do a solo project, and was completely ready and willing to put his legendary name behind me so I could have the freedom to write and record it the way I wanted to, without the label butting in with their input. As far as Clive was concerned it was "Justin's record, and everybody just better leave him the hell alone about it."

"Okay," I'd said. "I can do that."

She knew I'd meant it, but still…she didn't smile. "If only you'd be that optimistic about other things."

I'd looked at my salad.

The rest of our time at the restaurant, and the car ride back to the house went a little more smoothly. Of course, my mom brought up the subject of Melanie, asking how I thought things were working out between us and stuff. I reassured her everything was fine, making sure not to get too detailed about the semi friendship we'd formed. I knew if I told the outright truth it would probably make Mel uncomfortable, just because she'd expressed the fact that she wasn't sure if our forming bond was such a great thing after all. My mom seemed satisfied with my answers, and I was relieved. I hadn't wanted to lie for fifteen minutes about what had been going on, or what had prompted me to give in and get along with the girl. I guess my mom figured that I'd just let loose a little bit and decided to make nice for everyone's sake.

That was good enough for me.

"Maybe we can get a pizza later."

"Yeah," she says. "Maybe."

Mel's been a little off since the other day. I didn't get to talk to her when she got back from lunch with my mom, but the next morning she seemed really withdrawn from me. Sure, we went for a run, but she didn't really talk much, despite my best efforts to make conversation. It made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I felt like she thought I was a bother…or disgusting, or something. I didn't tell her how she was making me feel. I figured I'd confused her enough, and she just…needed time to think things over. Although I've been afraid she's going to pack her bags and leave one night without notice, I'm trying to be strong. I mean, Melanie said she'd stick around as long as I put some effort in. And I am putting effort in. A hell of a lot of it, actually.

So what the fuck is her problem then?

I told her she was scared, and I know that was crossing the line but I felt like I had a right to say it. I could sense it…see it in her eyes. She wants to be my friend, but I don't know. Something…something is holding her back. I don't know what it is, and maybe I'm better off not knowing. But I do want her to stay, and I do want her friendship. It's important. She's the only one that has the patience to deal with me, and really listen to me right now. She makes life seem so…I dunno, normal, and I really like that. So, for the past day and a half I've been trying to come up with something believable to tell her so she'll think I'm worth…befriending?

God, I'm pathetic.

She pulls up to the clinic and turns the car off. For a minute, we just sit there in silence, staring out the windshield. I'm confused as hell and I'm sure she's uncomfortable. I should really just get out and go talk to my shrink, get all this shit off my chest. But then I look at her, and I just…I want things to be okay. "Melanie, about the other day…"

"It's fine, Justin," she laughs a little. "You shouldn't worry about that right now, okay? Just focus on Madison."

"I don't want to focus," I mutter. "I've been trying to talk to you forever. And I just didn't know what to say up until now."

She looks at me. An intense gaze fills her brown eyes, but I can see past it. It's an act. She really does want to give in but she's looking out for me. She doesn't know what would happen if something happened, if we suddenly didn't get along or we had to be separated for good. Fuck I don't know what that would do to me. It would seriously confuse the shit out of me for one. I wouldn't want that. But I just…I don't know, there's just something about her. Something that tells me that no matter how much she may want to run away from me, she can't make herself do it.

"Justin, what are you talking about?," she sighs.

"The other day you said we were getting too personal."

"You don't think so?"

I shrug. "I know that I'm feeling a little better, Mel," I tell her. "And that I wouldn't be if you hadn't pushed me to help myself."

"I didn't do anything," she defends, with a smirk. "You've started to change because you want to. I've just been around to look over your shoulder, Justin. Look…you're a nice guy, and I-I trust you. It's…it's hard for me to trust people. I guess…you might have been right when you said I was scared. I mean, I wasn't terrified or anything, but yeah…I guess I was a little bit scared of what was happening. Your mom just kind of made me realize that there was a world outside waiting on you, and I don't know, I guess I felt I might have been making you forget about all that. I don't want you to focus on whatever kind of bond we have, and forget what's important."

I'm kind of shocked. Mostly because she told me that I was right, something that I never thought she'd do. But also because she's cracked a little. She admitted one of her faults…she has trouble trusting people. For a moment I feel like I've accomplished something with her. That…she really does value my presence, and it's not just because she's getting paid for it. But I don't want to push the subject either. I can tell that it took a lot for her to confess that to me, and I'm afraid if I start to ask my why's and how's, she'll close herself off to me again. "I'm not going to forget what's important," I say softly. "I just wish you'd realize that I…I value you as a friend, not just as somebody that works for me."

She swallows hard. "I guess that should make me feel good, Justin. But at the same time, it's going to take me some getting used to." She focuses her gaze out the windshield again. "I hope that you can accept the fact that I need to consider a lot of things when it comes to you and I."

"I get it," I whisper.

"You wanna go in?," she asks me after awhile.

I have to chuckle. "Not especially."

"Your mom told me that you and Madison get along really well," she says, her eyes full of questions. "You shouldn't be afraid of her."

I shrug, and look down at my lap. My mom is half right. Madison and I did get along…before Kerri and the accident happened. "There's things I can't explain, Mel," I say softly. "We were close before. But now…I think I've kept a lot from her that I don't feel comfortable talking about."

She sighs. "You have to tell somebody." She unbuckles her seatbelt and opens her door.

I look at her. In all honesty, I'd feel a hell of a lot more comfortable breaking down and telling Melanie about what I did to Kerri, rather than Madison. But I know if Mel knew what a horrible person I could turn into, I think it would change her perspective on me a lot. And I don't want that. I've worked hard to be better…for her to have some faith in me. I can't just blow it all now because I'm afraid of talking to my shrink. "I know."

"Come on."

And I follow her. I know I don't have a choice, because I agreed that I'd come for a session today. Besides, the look on Mel's face right now is telling me she's proud I'm making an effort.

Honestly, it's the first time in a long time somebody has been proud of me. And it's also the first time in a long time that I myself, have felt some pride for Justin Timberlake. Maybe Mel's right. Maybe I'm changing because I want to change, and not just because she's been around to help me. Of course, it definitely gave me a head start, having her around. But I think…I think I might be okay. Maybe not right away. I'm sure it's going to be awhile before I can even think about having a life anywhere near to the one I used to have. But at least it's a start. At least I can almost sleep nights now. Even though…

I'm sure the wedding is going to change everything.
***************

(continued next post)