I walked Justin inside, figuring I'd leave him at reception and go run some errands while he did his forty five minutes with Madison. But once I'd helped him sign in, he told me he'd feel a lot better if I walked him to Madison's office. Then that turned into "I'd really…feel better if you waited out here, Mel."
I really must have turned into a pushover or something, because here I am. I'm sitting here, trying to figure the best way to sneak out, mail these letters, and be back before Justin notices I'm gone. He was really paranoid walking down the hall to the office. I felt him trembling, he even asked if he could hold my hand and hell I don't know why, but I let him. I just felt so bad. It was obvious that he was trying as hard as he could to stay calm, but like he said…there's things he doesn't feel comfortable talking about with his shrink and even though I don't know what they are…I know how he feels. I think its why I told him I'd wait outside the door. I guess I'm sort of like his blanket now. I make him feel secure when he's feeling his worst, and in a way I guess that's good. In a way…I think that's what Lynn wanted me to turn into, even though she would never have implied that during our interview. Even so, I still don't want her to know how much Justin and I are bonding. While I'm ninety percent sure she'd be happy with it, there's a part of me that's screaming at me, telling me our friendship is unprofessional and I need to be fucking careful…
Because things can happen when you let your guard down.
The fact that I can't stop thinking about him, even when I go into the guest house and have my private time in the evenings, is driving me fucking crazy. Sometimes I'll sit up, just wondering what he's doing…if he's sleeping, if he feels completely alone. Last night I almost went back over to the house, because I thought he might have been sitting up like a zombie when he needed to be sleeping. I stopped myself though, although I don't know how. I guess it was the intelligent part of me, telling me I needed to be reasonable and not let him in any further than I already had. This has got to be a mistake, working for him. I know when I worked for Mrs. Donnabora, things were never like this. She was elderly yes, but she didn't rely on me for mental support all that much. I was really there to help her 'get that can of cranberry sauce off the shelf', and help her weed her garden out front. If anything, I was relying on her for mental support. But with Justin things are so much different. He's completely capable of taking care of himself. He's not disabled or anything. Sure, he can be lazy sometimes but we've been working on that. He did a couple of loads of laundry all by himself the other day, and I told him that I was happy that he was finally doing something for himself. He seemed…really happy that I'd said that. He'd even smiled. Actually, he's been smiling a hell of a lot more lately. I guess that's good…but it still scares the crap out of me. I guess I've realized my purpose, finally. My job is to help Justin smile a little more, believe in himself a lot more…and get him out of his funk. I know now, it was Lynn's intent to get me in the house so he'd stop thinking about his nightmarish episode. But am I really…am I stable enough to help him get better? I just don't know. I've never helped anybody overcome anything before. People had to help me regain all of my confidence, and I know I can still crack at any time. That's not fair to Justin, because he doesn't know any of that. He has this theory in his mind that I'm so strong and capable and I don't back down from anything.
I'm lying to him and he doesn't have any idea. I wonder how many other people have done the same thing to him? I'm sure Trace did at one point or another…
Chasing away a stranger parked outside of Justin's home was one thing, meeting that stranger and finding out exactly who he was, without Justin's knowledge, was an entirely different concept. After he'd walked out on Lynn, I tried not to care that he'd been upset, or that he'd been a real big asshole to me. It was only when Lynn started rambling on and on about how she just didn't understand why two best friends would simply stop speaking, that my heart started to ache with guilt. Obviously, it was really important to Lynn that Trace and Justin started speaking again, so in my great attempt to play the hero I decided to take it upon myself to confront Trace before he could escape. He'd been surprisingly calm, a shell of the overly confident bastard I'd met just minutes before. I had expected him to act exactly like Justin had at first, barking an order to get the fuck out of his face. But when he'd turned his tear stained face toward mine, I knew that he'd simply been putting on an act to please Lynn and to intimidate me…
I quickly realized he was just as much of a mess as Justin was.
I tried to reassure him things were turning around for Justin, and fuck I have no idea if he believed me or not. It's not really my place to care. I will say though, the whole experience made me really uncomfortable, and I feel even worse about the fact that I've neglected to mention anything about that day to Justin. I'm sure he'd want to know that I'd dealt with his former best friend, but I just couldn't bring myself to fill him in. For one, Lynn asked if I'd keep our lunch guest a secret from Justin. She said it would only upset him and she didn't want to put any more stress on him. But I knew better. Lynn knew she'd been a bad girl, sneaking around behind her son's back, and she didn't want me to spoil her little plot to make everything picture perfect for him again. I hated myself from keeping it from him that day, and I still hate myself for it now. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to upset Justin. And I think that if he knew I kept something this important from him, he'd retreat back inside himself again. After all the hard work I've been putting in, I just…couldn't deal having to start all over with Justin, trying to make him trust me again.
But I know if I don't tell him, he'll find out about what happened from the wrong person. Maybe even Trace himself.
The familiar sound of wheelchair rolling across linoleum immediately grabs my attention, and I look up to see who's rolling by me this time. I've been trying to avoid the fact that I'm sitting in a psychiatric hospital, since I walked Justin through the door a little while ago. I knew I had to keep my composure for him. I couldn't let myself slip up and show him how nervous being in a place like Orange Valley was making me. After all, he still doesn't know all the gruesome details about my life, and he doesn't need to know. But…now that I'm sitting here alone, all of the horrible memories are hitting me dead on like some kind of g-force. I feel pinned to my chair, and I can feel the beads of sweat forming on my brow. I'm trembling, I feel nauseated, and the guy that they're rolling by me at this very moment is topping it all off.
He's strapped to his wheel chair, head hanging to one side, a trickle of drool flowing out of the corner of his mouth. His hair is messy, he looks like he hasn't shaved, or hell…even showered, in weeks. I shudder. I fucking remember everything. Every needle, every leather strap, every numbing feeling as the medication had taken its effect on me. It's enough to make me run out of here and never look back. But then…I see Justin smiling in the back of my mind, asking me not to leave him.
I can't leave him.
"It's okay, the first time being in a mental hospital can be hard for anyone."
"Wha…" I jump in my seat and find myself taking in a giant breath of air. Apparently, I'd also forgotten to breathe for a few moments as well. After I collect myself, I finally look up at whoever it was that decided to speak to me. I'm face to face with a woman now. She's young, maybe late twenties. Her shoulder length brown hair hangs straight and perfectly in place. Her glasses make her look intellectual, but I'm sure that's the point of them. She's dressed smartly, in a cardigan and a khaki colored skirt. She could definitely pass for a teacher, or a psychiatrist. I'm guessing she's the latter. "Sorry, " I say sheepishly.
She takes a seat next to me and smiles gently. "You must be Melanie."
I didn't see which direction she came from because I was too busy gazing into space, reliving my dramatic past. I don't ask who she is though, I just nod, figuring its better not knowing the reason why she knows who I am. "Yeah…"
"I'm Madison."
Oh.
I shake her hand, very uneasily. I don't know what to say. I was just expecting to sit here and wait for Justin to finish his session, I didn't think I was going to have to deal with his shrink on top of it. I mean, I guess I shouldn't be that nervous. After all, she works for Justin too, and she probably knows a hell of a lot more about him than I do. "Nice to meet you," I manage after awhile. "Justin's told me about you."
She rolls her eyes and chuckles a little. "I wont ask what he's told you about me."
I laugh nervously, and look away from her. I'm praying that she just came out to say hello, as Justin's session isn't over for another twenty five minutes or so. Justin must have told her that I was out here, and she decided it would be nice for her to introduce herself…yeah…that's gotta be it.
"Justin tells me that you've helped him out a lot since Lynn hired you," I hear her say.
Still, I don't look at her. "Yeah," I say quickly. "He can be stubborn, but you know, we work through all of that."
"Where did Lynn find you, if you don't mind me asking?"
She sounds like she doesn't trust me or something, and when I look at her, the expression on her face is telling me that she doesn't. I don't really understand. I'm sure Justin told her where his mom found me and about my personality. She's sitting her acting like I have no business being around Justin. "My mom is a friend of hers," I tell her slowly. "I thought you would have known that."
She sits back in the chair a little bit. "Justin has been cutting me off for a long time," she sighs. "I don't know much about how he's been or what's been going on in his life recently. His mother and I have spoken, but I'm sorry to say she knows even less about Justin's situation than I do. Forgive me for coming off like this, I'm just not sure what bringing a stranger in is doing to help Justin recover from what he's been through."
I stare at her like she's crazy. Is she actually sitting here, trying to tell me I'm wrong for working for Justin? For helping him? That's not my fault. I was offered the job and I took it. The more I think about it, the more I understand why it is that Justin hasn't wanted to talk to Madison for all of this time. She's controlling, possessive even. I can't understand that. She's his shrink not his girlfriend. "I don't really understand why you have animosity towards me," I say, making sure to make eye contact this time. "I was hired to do a job, and that's what I'm doing."
"I don't feel any animosity towards you," she grunts. "It's only that Justin seems to be awfully attached to you, and its my job to find out just why that is. I'm concerned, Melanie. Surely, you can understand that. After all, you've only been around him for a little over a month now."
I don't have a clue as to what Justin has been telling this woman since he stepped through that door a little while ago. Obviously though, he's admitted things to Madison that he probably didn't realize would get repeated back to me. It's almost like she's breaking his trust, and I just don't understand. At the same time though, I'm not going to question her methods either. Perhaps she's just concerned that something will happen, that I'll have to leave suddenly and Justin will be crushed. Even though…the expression on Madison's face is telling me she's concerned about a lot more than Justin feeling abandoned. "He trusts me," I say quietly. "I think that's a good thing, and I would hope that you would think so too."
She sighs and rubs her hands together. "Let me just put it bluntly, although I hate to come off this way," she says after awhile. "There's a lot of things you don't understand about Justin, and haven't been able to notice yet. You're a pretty girl, and he's a superstar, so to speak. Justin is very good at charming people, having them believe whatever he wants them to believe, and don't let him convince you otherwise. Yes, he's been through a lot but he's still very manipulative, Melanie. If he has to, he'll say and do whatever he feels he has to, so that he can get his way and make things easier for himself."
For a few minutes, I can't do anything besides stare back at her, the horror about the way she's described Justin to me, apparent on my face. In a way I almost understand why she's saying what she's saying. I know for a fact she doesn't trust me. To her I'm just an outsider. She doesn't know about the bond Justin and I have formed, or how I've been there for him. Well okay, she didn't know, but I'm guessing she might have an idea now. I don't know what Justin told her exactly, but its more than obvious that he told her how much he relies on me. I don't think Madison is comfortable with that. I think it scares her. But why should it? Is she afraid that I'll somehow take her place? But why would that matter? After all, the whole point to therapy is learning how to move on, and live your life. Justin is beginning to do that. This should be a positive thing, but she's acting like I'm breaking the law, or god….
Falling for him.
Which of course, is absolutely ridiculous.
My horrified look quickly forms into an angry one, as her ludicrous accusations sink in. "Are you speaking from experience or something?" I snap.
She skips over my comment however. Obviously, she's too much of an intellectual to deal with my immature behavior. Whatever. This is the last trip I'll ever make to this woman's office. I wonder if Justin knew how she'd react to me? If that's the case, he's going to get an earful from me later on.
"From what Lynn has told me, I understand that you are a trained nurses aid, and you also have some medical schooling. And that's fine and well Melanie. It's good that Justin has somebody like that around in case something drastic were to happen," she nods, her expression blank. "But you don't know the first thing about psychological health, or how to deal with the intense post traumatic feelings and memories that Justin has to battle every single day. It's not healthy to make him believe you're the answer to all of his problems, because the truth is…you aren't."
I stare her down, like I've stared my mother down so many times in the past. My eyes are filled with hate, and my teeth are gritted in a rage. I hate people that think they have me all figured out. I hate people that make me out to be somebody I'm not. She doesn't know a fucking thing about me, or my past or what I've been through. If she did, not only would she shut the hell up, she'd probably change her opinions about me being around Justin as well. But I'd never tell her anything about me. She's not my shrink and I definitely don't trust her now that she's lashed out at me like this. "So I guess that means that you're the answer to his problems then?," I grunt. "Right?"
"I know his story," she tells me quietly. "That helps him get through a lot of things. Having you hanging around his house, trying to make him believe that his problems can be forgotten about in a week or so, isn't right. You're confusing him, Melanie, and it's not fair to anybody that's been working with him for the duration of his incident. Justin has a path that I've set for him to follow, and now it seems that he's been distracted from it. What am I supposed to think?"
"You know," I say. "You know nothing about me, and you're not attempting to do anything about that. So I think that you should stop wasting your time out here with me and get back to your patient. God knows, he's probably paying you good money for your services." I'm about to say 'and I'm sure that's the reason you want me out of the picture, so your salary wont be cut', but I hold back. I don't want to stoop that low, give her an excuse to put strange ideas into Justin's head about me, even though she probably already has.
I wait for her to give me another long, pointless lecture, but she doesn't. She rises from the chair quickly, and gives me another disapproving look before walking back over to her office door. She turns the knob but pauses for a moment. "I'll be speaking to Lynn about this. I think she needs my opinion."
I let a small, smug smile form on my lips and think I'll be speaking to Justin about this, as I watch her retreat back into her office. The door closes behind her, a little harshly, but I don't let it bother me. I just sit, and try to focus my mind on something else. It's hard though. I can't get over the fact that the woman got a big rise out of me. That she acted like she was so much better than me. If this had been a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle her firmness. I would have cried. But now I'm better…I'm stronger…
I don't allow people to control my emotions, and she knows that.
She doesn't like it either.
Another fifteen minutes pass, and I try not to get fidgety in the chair as I pray for Justin to be released early from his session. I try to stay focused on my agenda for tomorrow, and desperately try to forget the fact that I'm scared to death of my surroundings. Then the door to Madison's office opens again. I look up at Justin, who looks like he's seen better days. His eyes are a little puffy, and I can tell he's been crying. Part of me wants to hug him and tell him everything is okay, that I'll take him away from that horrible woman and her fucking opinions. I can't do it though. I know it would look really bad. Despite the fact that I don't care what Madison thinks of me, I don't want to give her the opportunity to tell Lynn something that will give her the wrong idea. Justin and I are friends, probably a little closer than we should be but I know the reason why things are the way they are. And…I wouldn't change anything. I know I said some things to him the other day, but it was all out of fear. I know now…Justin is my friend. And I'm his friend. I can't tell him a lot about my past but…even though he doesn't know it, just having him around and knowing that he's been through something terrible is comforting to me.
It lets me know that I'm not alone.
"Come on," I say, trying my best to smile a little bit. "Lets go home."
He just stares at me.
"Justin?"
"Madison thinks…"
"Justin," I interrupt him. "We can talk about this later on, you know?"
He sighs harshly. "I don't want to wait until later, Melanie."
It's clear that his emotions are taking a tremendous toll on his sanity right now, and while I know from experience the best thing to do is to sit in these chairs and talk about this situation, I just don't feel comfortable doing that here. I don't want to chance Madison coming out of her office, and sitting here trying to tell Justin what to do when it comes to me and our bond. I mean, he's already confused enough, and hell…I am too. "As soon as we get back to the house we'll talk." I tell him gently. "I promise."
His eyes are glossy now, and he has to look away from me for a few moments so I wont see how far his tears have progressed. Then, he finally nods and tells me that its fine. That we can go back and talk. I lead him back down the hall way, although this time he doesn't ask to hold my hand and I'm a little relieved because I don't think I would have been in the mood for it. The car ride is silent, I don't even turn the radio on for fear that one of the songs or commercials might set either one of us off. I just focus on the road and pray that we don't hit any traffic. A half hour later I pull through the gates and hear them slam shut behind me, reassuring the both of us that we're safe now…secluded from the world. When I park the car, Justin wont even look at me. He gets out of the car quickly and rushes inside the house, before I can even get my seat belt off. I stare at the front door that he left hanging open, shocked. I'm kind of scared…I don't know what that woman said to Justin but whatever it was…it really set him off. Fuck. I'm so angry at her. What the hell kind of a shrink is she, to upset her patient like that? That's not what Justin needs. Justin needs stability. Justin needs a reason to smile at least once a day. Hell, I know I'm not a shrink. Madison was right about that. But at least I know that Justin hasn't been in this foul of a mood since that time I called him a fag.
And that's really saying something.
It's saying that Madison doesn't know what the fuck she's doing when it comes to Justin anymore, and she's the one that's confusing him, not me.
When I get into the house, I drop my purse on the floor and call out his name. He didn't bother to turn the lights on, and the house is dark and quiet. It would probably seem really eerie to me if I wasn't used to this kind of behavior from him already. "Come on," I groan, making my way blindly into the living room and flipping up the light switch. "Justin…," I sigh. He's sitting on the couch, hands folded on his lap, just staring out into space. There are trails of tears gliding down his face, and all I can think is that Madison said some pretty harsh shit to him. Fuck, he was doing so well. So fucking well and then…I…I convinced him to pay that woman a visit. I should have called her first. I could kick myself now. "What's up?," I say the words softly as I cautiously sit down next to him on the couch.
"Let's just watch some TV," he manages after a few minutes.
"TV isn't going to change things," I tell him, matter of factly. "Come on, you can't hide from me. You know that."
He looks at me then. For the first time since we left that god awful hospital, they have a little bit of light in them. He even smiles….just slightly, almost as if I'm the only thing that could make him smile at this moment in time. While that should make me extremely uncomfortable, I wont allow myself to dwell on it for long. The important thing is that we get to the bottom of today, and figure out how we can work through whatever Madison feelings are about me.
"Sometimes I think that I'd be fine if I had to stay locked up in my house forever, if it meant that you were going to be here every day," he finally says. "Like, what happened…it wouldn't even matter, ya know Mel?" He laughs sadly. "But then people make me think about who I really am and what I have to accomplish to be…who everybody needs me to be again. It's fucking hard and I don't even know what…what I need to do anymore. I wish I could just run away." He rubs his face with his hands and sighs into them. "I wish I could just disappear."
I can't believe that Madison would have made Justin feel this horrible about himself. I mean, who the hell does she think she is? She's his shrink, she's not supposed to do this kind of thing to him. "What did she say to you, Justin," I say firmly.
"It's not important."
"Well, obviously it is, if you're sitting here telling me you want to disappear," I point out. "Should I call your mom, because I mean…."
"No!"
He screams the word at me and I'm forced to move away from him a little. I hate when he gets like this, explosive. It's like he doesn't think, he just lashes out. And I for one, don't want to end up like his bedroom furniture did. "O…okay," I say quietly. "I'm sorry."
"Fuck Mel, do you see what I mean?," he whimpers. "I can't control myself. I haven't been able to in a long time. And today…today I, I told Madison things that I'd been holding back. I just, I knew that her reaction was going to be bad but I didn't know what else to do."
He's sobbing now, and while I feel obligated to reach out and hug him, I won't. I'm still scared of him right now. His mood isn't the best, and I'm not about to give him a reason to send me packing. "She has an odd way of comforting you, Justin. I'm not sure if you should be going to her so much anymore."
"She's the only one that knows," he moans through his sobbing. "The only one who knows and hasn't deserted me."
I sit back and fold my arms under my breasts. Honestly, he's scaring me right now. He's getting into things I have no clue about, and I'm not sure I want to find out about them. I'm sure it's really bad, whatever it is. What if I can't handle it? What if it destroys everything he and I have been working toward? Strangely enough I find myself telling him 'you can tell me anything', and holding my breath, praying that he decides to keep his mouth shut.
"Not this."
Thank God.
"Why cry over her?," I say, sternly. "She tries to make you feel like she has this hold on you, and that you have to act the way she wants you to. That's not fair. You have to be yourself, Justin…not who everybody else wants you to be."
"You can't understand why Madison acted like she did today," he whispers. "I was supposed to keep my head together and follow the plan she made out for me and I did the complete opposite. I…destroyed everything I'd worked for. It's like, all the effort she put in to my case was just a waste of her time. I don't blame her for being upset with me, and giving you an attitude. I mean, she barely got a clear explanation from my mom about why you started working here. Out of everybody, she's the last person who should be left in the dark."
I don't look at him. I can't. It's just terrible that Justin feels he needs to defend that woman. Yeah, Justin has an attitude and it doesn't please most people. But he's been through a lot and Madison is a shrink. She's supposed to be immune to this kind of thing, not get bent out of shape about it. "So what did you tell her that pissed her off so bad?," I grunt. "Did you tell her about the pills…about how you broke stuff?"
"No, it wasn't about that."
"Well then what was it about?"
He doesn't answer.
"Justin, come on!"
"I can't," he says sadly. "I'm sorry. I just can't talk about this with you."
Maybe I'm overlooking something. Maybe I did something wrong, unconsciously, and Justin felt that he needed to hide it from me and talk to Madison about it instead. While I wouldn't put it past him, it does hurt me a little to know that he's capable about talking about me behind my back like that. I thought we had an understanding. I thought that we were bonding…that we were friends. But maybe Madison was right all along. Maybe I don't know him well enough…maybe I am just an outsider. "Fine," I sigh and get up from the couch. "I'll just go start dinner." But I don't get more than two steps away before I feel his hand grab onto my wrist. I yank it out of his grasp, quickly, and glare at him. "I thought I told you not to grab me, Justin," I snap. "What the hell?"
He stares at me, a knowing expression on his face. "We all have issues Mel."
I shake my head. "I thought you wanted to be friends, Justin. I…I told you it was a bad idea, but you seemed to be all for it. So for an hour or two, I forced myself to forget a lot of my concerns and I went with it. And it fucking felt good." I feel my bottom lip begin to quiver and all I can think is 'shit, I'm going to lose it', but I continue on anyway, because I'm so mad at him right now. "You don't even know how hard it is for me to open up to people."
"Of course I do," he says, roughly. "How could you think that I don't? I can't even talk to my mom the way I talk to you, all right? There's just things…things happened," he says, turning his gaze down to the floor. "When I was there, and after the fact."
I shudder, a million different visions of what could have happened to Justin flooding my mind. I almost feel like I'm looking back at myself, when I was so…weak, and when I first went to Susan with my problems. I was so closed then. I was so…embarrassed. For weeks I couldn't get into anything really deep with her. I knew it pissed her off, but for some reason she stuck with me. She helped me to realize it was okay to talk about how I felt, and about how angry I was. I wish I knew how to do that with Justin. I wish I could help him to open up to me some more and get some things off of his chest that he hasn't really talked about with anyone. But maybe that's too bold of me. After all, am I really the right person for him to be confiding in about things that deep? Just the other day I was doubting myself. Well, the logical part of me was doubting myself. Right now though, I'm ignoring all of that. After what Madison said, and how she upset Justin today, I realize that Justin doesn't have a lot of people he can talk to…and its just not fucking fair. I think back to the other day, when Justin told me friendship was a two way road, and I hadn't told him anything about myself. I think I owe it to him to start telling him a little bit about myself. Not….everything. But I think I can tell him some things. Things that…I promised myself I wouldn't' tell anybody.
"I was committed once," I whisper, looking him directly in the eye. I feel tingles begin to run up and down my spine as I say the words to him, and I start to feel a little queasy as well, but I force myself not to regret what I've just confessed. "So…so I guess I…I kind of understand you more than I should. I know I don't know everything about you, or what you went through. And I'm not saying that you have to tell me. I just…I just want you to know that I'm kind of on the same page as you, that's all."
He stares at me. Just stares. I don't think he knows exactly what to do. He even looks a little bit frightened. I swallow hard. Fuck, maybe I made a mistake. Maybe…Justin isn't ready to hear about my past just yet. I tend to forget that he's still so fragile, despite the progress that we've made together. "Justin…maybe I shouldn't' have…"
"You mean," he cuts me off softly. "You were in a place like Orange Valley?"
I look down at my hands. "Worse."
It's silent for a long time. This time, I really think I'm going to break down and start crying. I'm so fucking stupid. The first guy I've been in around in god knows how long, and this is what I do. I fuck him up more with my stupid shit. What the hell? What the fuck is wrong with me? I want to crawl into a hole and die. Great Mel. Great fucking job.
But Justin doesn't run away. He doesn't call me a screw up, a freak, or an asshole. He actually shifts himself closer to me after a few minutes, and looks me right in the eyes. He seems to be searching me for something, an answer…or maybe some kind of reassurance. I don't ask him what he's doing. I know it's not my place. If anything, he's freaked out right now and doesn't know if he can trust me, or if I'm even telling the truth. And I won't hold that against him. At this point, I have no right to.
"Why…why were you there?," he says after awhile.
"I tried to kill myself." I don't hold back, I know it would be stupid to right now, and Justin…for some reason, I just know he'll understand. "I was having a lot of issues."
As much as I want to admit to him that I was raped right now, I know that I can't do it. For one, he's too messed up to learn an intense detail like that about me right now. And two, I'm entirely too terrified to tell him about it. Besides Susan and the group, my mother, and Mrs. Donnabora, I've never told anybody else about what happened to me. It's hard for me to talk about it, to…admit that I was so weak at one point in my life. I guess its because I walk around like I have it all together. In fact, going this far with Justin tonight is probably a big mistake. Who knows how he'll view me now. Before, I know I was a little intimidating to him. He listened, after we'd worked out the kinks. He thought I was professional and together. Now that he knows I was weak, and could be weak again, will our relationship stay the same?
He licks his lips. "When my mom found out I was cutting, she got with my manager and they sent me to Orange Valley," he confesses. "I had to stay there for a little while. It scared the fuckin crap out of me half the time." He looks up at me then, his big blue eyes filled with tears. "I…I've never told anybody that, except for my family. I'm not really supposed to but…you and me…we're like the same kind of people, right?"
I already knew, but I won't tell him that. He'll only get angry that Lynn told me, and I don't need to give him another reason to be annoyed with her. I don't want to agree that he and I are the same kind of people either, even though I know it's the truth. No, Justin may not have been raped but he still knows what its like to be fucked around with, and come out of it so lost there's no choice but to hurt yourself to make the pain go away. "Maybe we are," I whisper. "But that's probably bad, considering I'm supposed to be helping you."
"You are helping me, Mel." He takes my hand and squeezes it a little bit, and I don't pull away. "I don't give a shit what Madison says, all right? She's…she's been great, you know? There's things I've told her that nobody knows, not even my mom or Trace…"
He trails off then, and shakes his head. I find that I've tensed up at the mention of Trace's name, and I know I really should have told Justin about my encounter with his estranged best friend first…before telling him about my emotional bullshit. I could kick myself right now, because I know he's going to hate me. But what can I do? I can't fix it, the best I can do is just tell him what happened and hope that it doesn't throw him into a rage. "Speaking of Trace," I whisper.
He lets go of my hand. "You know about Trace?" His voice quivers as he asks me the question. "How?"
I take a deep breath. "I had lunch with him the other day, when I went out with your mom. He was kind of an unexpected guest…"
Justin's eyes widen at my information and he immediately gets up and starts to pace the room. "You had lunch with him?"
"I…"
"What did he say!," he yells. "What did he tell you!"
I sink back into the comforts of the sofa, hoping like hell that Justin will change his tone of voice so I don't have a mental breakdown. "He…he didn't say much. He was bitter…but I mean…"
"So he told you I was a freak right?"
The tears are streaming down his face right now, and all I can think is god damn it. I really should have thought twice before I decided to talk to Justin, but I guess my mind was so clouded with what that bitch Madison said to me, that I couldn't put my thoughts in the right order. "Whatever he said, isn't important Justin," I say, trying to reassure him. "He's angry, but I think he's getting over it. I think deep down, he wants to work things out."
"Maybe I don't want to work things out." This time his tone is more rational as he sits back down again, and I'm thankful. "I'm…I'm confused enough as it is, without him coming back and throwing the past in my face."
I decide to be a little bold again, as crazy as it seems. "What happened between you two? I mean, we didn't have the best encounter, but I could tell that he cares about you, Justin."
He shrugs, and lets out a long sigh. "I don't even fucking know anymore. There's a lot of things that provoked it, but most of that stuff…I can't talk about right now. I'm sorry, okay?"
I knew he probably wouldn't tell me anything that had gone on between himself and Trace. I don't blame him, but it doesn't make me any less confused about this situation as a whole. I'll be patient though. I know that's the only thing I can do, until he's ready to explain things to me properly. "You don't have to be sorry," I tell him. "I just thought I should let you know what happened the other day. Your mom seemed hell bent on getting him to come over here too, but I think that whole idea made him really uncomfortable."
"He doesn't want anything to do with me," he mutters. "I fucked up, I know that. I just…I guess I didn't think he'd turn his back on me."
I think back to the other day, when I followed Trace out to the car. He was in tears, and in that moment I knew that he wasn't the pompous asshole that he'd tried to make me believe he was. The truth was, he was scared of a lot of things, especially when it came to seeing Justin again, and he didn't know what else to do but act like a jerk. For a moment or two, I'd been able to see the real Trace. And that guy cared about Justin…a lot. I guess its what made me tell him that we'd been going running. I knew it wasn't much, but I knew it would give him some kind of reassurance, even if it was only a small amount. "I think he's just scared."
Justin laughs a little. "You don't know Trace."
I get up from the sofa and hold my hand out to help him up as well. I figure we might as well eat something while we're being so emotional. I don't know about Justin, but right now, I feel as drained as I do after a long run. "Fear can do things to a person, Justin. It changes them. You know it…and I know it too. But that doesn't mean that he hates you, and it doesn't mean that you'll never reconcile your differences." Honestly, I shouldn't be defending Trace right now. Despite the fact that he turned out to be a big baby, he still treated me like I had a hell of a nerve 'meddling' in his life. And that's the kind of thing I don't get over easily. At the same time though, I don't want to put more stress on Justin's shoulders, so I'll keep my thoughts to myself and try to keep Justin's hope up for the time being. "Come on, you can help me cook."
"Cook?"
I have to laugh and lead him into the kitchen by his hand. "Yeah, you know…I can use some help around here from time to time."
He smirks, only slightly, and I toss him an apron with hopes that I'll be able to rid his mind of the anxieties that have been plaguing him for most of the day. Well okay, I'm probably hoping that I can do the same thing for myself as well, but like always, Justin has to come first. Yeah its my job but for the first time I realize that even if it weren't my job, if this were a different life and I was just his friend…I'd still want to be here doing this with him. I don't see how anybody could have left him so alone and hopeless when they knew how much of a mess he would eventually turn into. It gives me the idea to convince Justin not to worry about Trace or anybody else for that matter. I could just tell him that he has me…
But then I snap out of it and think about what I'm saying. I'm acting like I'll be his whole world if I have to be, and that's not even valid. I can't be that way with Justin. I haven't even known him that long. Jesus Christ, what's happening to me? I tell him one thing about myself, and he seems to understand, so that gives me a reason to latch onto him and never let go? Fuck, I need to get my head together. I really, really need that trip to Susan's. I know she'll put my mind in the right place. But until then…
I guess I'll just have to hold out and hope I don't do anything idiotic.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
