All right, so its not like I’ve never cooked before. Before all of this happened, I used to cook for myself all the time. It was a great way to avoid the paparazzi when I felt like keeping to myself, and the book of recipes my Nana had so thoughtfully put together for me back in the day, was a great way to remind me of home. Years ago, whenever I’d have downtime from touring and promotion, Kerri and I used to pull out that book and cook a meal for our families. Strange, I can hardly remember what we even made now that I think about it. The only thing I can really remember, was that I’d been pretty good at roasting the meat, and Kerri had been amazing at cooking everything else.
Tonight has sort of reminded me of that, except its just the two of us, I’m not touring, and Kerri certainly isn’t here. But despite all of that, and how homesick all of this is making me, it’s still kind of cool to be doing something different for a change. I can’t remember the last time I helped out…with anything. When Kerri and Trace were here, they were usually the ones that cooked and took care of shit like cutting veggies and using the stove. Madison told them I wasn’t supposed to touch that kind of stuff because I could get hurt, or something lame like that. Melanie of course, had been told all that too by my mom…but she hasn’t really followed through with any of it tonight. So far, I’ve cut up all the vegetables for her, boiled the water, and peeled the potatoes. I’m sure Madison would have fainted on the spot if she knew I’d been handling fire, knives, and a potato peeler all throughout the course of a couple of hours. I’m not worried though. I know Mel isn’t going to say anything, and fuck, I’m sure as hell not.
Madison…I don’t even know where to begin.
So I went. I sat in my favorite seat by the window, and the cat was there. He came right up to me and rubbed his head into my chest. My guess was, he missed me. I didn’t really think that cat gave a crap about who came in and out of that office, but he seemed to want to cuddle with me the whole time I was there. I secretly wondered if Madison had trained the cat to do that to the clients she hadn’t seen in awhile, but then I realized I was being stupid. I guess the cat just liked me, and I went with it. Honestly, I don’t know why I was so worried about the fucking cat to begin with. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to focus on what I knew I had to do…
On what I knew I had to confess.
She’d sat in her usual chair behind the desk, and pulled out her familiar notebook. She asked me the same generic shit she always asks me when our sessions start. Like ‘so how have you been’, and ‘what kind of dreams have you been having’. And I was honest. I wasn’t about to lie because I knew it would effect me in a bad way. I told her how I hadn’t slept well for a really long time, and the dreams had been pretty bad until recently. Of course she seemed concerned. Madison is always concerned about me, because I’m one of her more serious cases. It used to make me feel really good that she cared and understood, but now…now it’s so much different. It’s like I have Melanie now, and Madison just can’t relate to me the same way since the whole thing with Kerri happened. It’s my own fault I didn’t go right to her after it happened, but I was terrified. I didn’t know what would happen if I told somebody. I was afraid I’d be arrested, or even worse, I’d be forced back into Orange Valley never to return to society again.
We covered the basics much more quickly than I would have liked, but I knew Madison had planned our session that way. She had a good reason. I’d been avoiding her for too long and that concerned her a lot. I wasn’t really surprised when she started asking me why I’d been avoiding her for as long as I had been. I didn’t really know how to respond at first. I mean, what was I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh yeah, well, the thing is…I kind of beat the shit out of Kerri and it’s taken me a while to get over it’? No fucking way. I sort of just sat there quietly for awhile before she said my name again. I’d looked up at her, and I knew that she could tell I was ready to confess something major. She got up from her chair and slowly approached me, gently placing a hand on my shoulder when she reached the spot I was sitting.
“Justin, you need to tell me what’s been going on with you,” she’d said softly. “You know how unhealthy it is to keep your feelings inside.”
I’d looked up at her, my eyes glazed over with tears. I didn’t want to cry then. I just wanted to change the subject, tell her about Melanie and how awesome we were getting along. I wanted to tell her about Best Buy, and how I didn’t freak out. I wanted to tell her about Tennessee, and ask her how the hell I was supposed to handle being down there again. I wanted to tell her anything…anything except what I’d done to Kerrigan. But I knew I didn’t have a choice. “Something happened,” I’d whispered. “It’s really bad, Madison.”
“Whatever happened Justin, it’s important that you tell me,” she’d persisted. “I can tell that it’s been wearing you down. Am I right?”
“It’s just…” I’d become so choked up then, that I had to cry a little bit before continuing. “Kerri, I hurt her. I hurt her so bad.” I’d bawled into my hands after that. I couldn’t help it. Everything that had built up inside of me since I’d done that horrible thing was finally being let out, and I cant even describe how I felt. I wasn’t relieved, but I wasn’t in as much pain either. It was the weirdest thing. So weird, that I couldn’t even focus on Madison, or anything else for several minutes. I was sort of numb, I couldn’t really move or talk. I just had to sit there, and let everything out of my system for a little while. Madison understood of course, but as soon as she felt I was okay to start talking again, she didn’t hesitate to continue on.
“What did you do to her Justin?”
I shook my head hard, tried to tell myself that I didn’t need to continue. That I‘d calmed myself down enough, and could manage keeping the rest of my issues a secret. It didn’t help. I started to get this really bad pain in my gut. I felt like I might vomit, so I forced myself to suck it up and talk to Madison. I broke down and told her everything, from what happened at the venue that night up until Kerri walked out of my house, bloody from head to toe. I sobbed my way through most of the story, seriously breaking down when I got to the part about how Trace called to tell me that Kerri had been in a car accident and how I told him I couldn’t make it to the hospital. I think his exact words to me were “I don’t ever want to see your fucking face again.” It was hard reliving the whole thing, and I’m positive that Madison knew how traumatized I still was from it. The smallest part of me was so afraid that she was going to pick up the phone and call the police…or Trace. But when she didn’t, when the most she did was give me a anxiety relief pill and a bottle of water, I knew I was safe for the most part. After I swallowed the pill I asked her what I was supposed to do. And she was quiet for a really long time after that.
“Part of me wants to scream at you,” she’d confessed to me sadly, taking her seat at the desk again. “But I know I can’t do that, because I’m your shrink and I’m supposed to be mellow about things. I really don’t know what to say though,” she shook her head. “What can I say, Justin? You blew it.”
“I know I blew it.” I’d looked down at the cat, who was still curled on my lap, and gave its head a scratch. “You think I don’t wake up every day and wish I could go back and change things? I live with it every day, and I regret it every damn day.”
The cat jumped off my lap after that.
“Does Melanie know about this?,” she’d asked me almost immediately.
“No,” I’d whispered. “Nobody knows. I haven’t told anybody, and I think if Kerri had told Trace, he would have came to my house and killed me himself.”
She didn’t respond, just nodded her head like it was the first intelligent thing I’d confessed to her that day. No I hadn’t told Melanie about what I‘d done to Kerri. Of course I hadn’t. There was no way I could ever tell her…that. As of right now she thinks I’m damaged, or scarred or something. She doesn’t know that I can turn into a monster if you get me fucked up enough. She doesn’t know that I can use and abuse people to benefit myself. It’s why I’m terrified of even mentioning Kerri’s name around her, but I know that eventually I’m going to have to talk about her. I know if I don’t, she’ll hear Kerri’s name from my mom, or fucking Trace if he so happens to ‘run into her’ again. But I don’t even know how to go about telling Melanie about Kerri. Do I just tell her what she used to mean to me or that…I saved her life and I tried to make things work but they just…didn’t?
“How do you feel about having Melanie in the house?” Was her next question.
I felt the pressure being lifted from my shoulders almost right away. I thought Madison was doing the best thing for me then, changing the subject because it was obvious that I was having a mental breakdown right there in her office. With a half smile I described how things had started out. How my mom had hired Melanie, without asking me. How it pissed me off, and how…Mel had taken all of my attitude in stride. “She’s there for me, you know?,” I found myself saying. “I really like having her around. I…I trust her, Madison.” It was a little weird saying all that. After all, the most I’d even told my mom when it came to discussing my feelings about Mel were ‘she’s working out well.’ I never went so far as to say all that…that I trusted her or that we were friends. I didn’t know how my mom would take that, and I was so afraid that she’d get scared and tell Melanie to leave.
But instead of seeming pleased that I was bonding with somebody, that I probably felt better about myself than I had since I’d first started coming to Orange Valley, Madison only look put off by what I was telling her.
“You know,” she’d said, a little gruffly. “I really don’t approve of you and your mother bringing an outsider into this situation without consulting me first. Neither of you are in the right state of mind to make that kind of a decision.”
She was angry, not disappointed, and while I know I normally would have gotten all down on myself and apologized profusely about having Melanie working for my mom and helping me out, I found that I didn’t want to do it this time. Melanie was sitting in the hallway, waiting for me because I’d asked her to. She didn’t have to. She could have gone and run errands, which I knew she had to do and had probably planned on doing. But she’d put it on hold for me. How could I have possibly looked Madison in the face, and told her she was right? I couldn’t. I couldn’t’ because for the first time since I’d met her, she was so totally wrong.
“She helps me out,” I’d said quietly. “She makes sure I get out of bed in the morning, and that I get outside to go for a run. She makes sure that I eat, and that I have a reason to smile a little bit. Nobody has done those things for me in a really long time. I was really messed up after what happened with Kerri, and she saw passed the asshole I turned into and pushed me to be better. I can’t just sit here and tell you that you’re right because you’re not, Mad. You aren’t around…you don’t understand, and that’s my fault I guess. I’m the one that cut you off, so if you’re going to be angry with me I get it. But don’t put it on Melanie, because she didn’t do anything wrong.”
“What have you told her?” She practically shouted at me.
“N-nothing,” I’d said, very uneasily. Her tone of voice was starting to make me tremble, and I was sure she could sense it. But I guess she was really angry, and couldn’t think straight then. It was the first time I’d ever seen Madison that way, and I didn’t really know how to handle it. All I kept thinking to myself was that…things with Madison and I had been great. She’d pulled me out of a very destructive period of my life, but now that was over and I just knew things weren’t going to work out anymore. I knew that I wouldn’t be back again. While I knew my mom would probably freak the hell out about that, I just didn’t care. I couldn’t deal with the woman sitting there, criticizing my friendship with Mel when she wasn’t’ around for the details. “She’s my friend, and I trust her,” I said, positively. “If you don’t like that, there’s nothing I can do.”
“Don’t do this.” She pointed her finger at me, accusingly. “Don’t go down that destructive path and let yourself become distracted with another female. You know she’s not the answer to your problems, Justin. She’s just another easy distraction from them. You’ve worked too hard, and expecting her to be your savior is very unfair to her, and its especially unfair to you. I saw this same thing happen with Kerri, and I don’t want history to repeat itself. ”
“Damn it, Madison,” I’d shouted. “She’s not Kerri. And…it’s taken me a long time to make myself stop comparing her to Kerri, but now I think I know who she is and how much different she is from anybody else I‘ve known. She helps me. You have no idea how much she helps me.”
I was rambling about feelings and ideas that I’d never allowed to enter my subconscious before. I was acting like I’d known Mel for years and she was my truest companion or some crazy shit. The truth was, she’d been at my house for a little over a month, I hardly knew anything about her, where she grew up, or even what her birthday was. The only thing that I could say for sure, was that she made me feel safe, and confident. But that was more than enough for me.
“Helping you?,” she’d scoffed. “You haven’t visited me in months, Justin. You’re sitting here, all nervous and jittery. We were making progress, and then you just gave up. Now that you’ve told me all of this, I understand. But you’re also allowing yourself to succumb to ideas that are simply ludicrous. You need to be here, every week. You need to talk to me, so that I can help you. What you don’t need to do, is substitute real psychology with somebody that you deem trustworthy.”
I was nervous and jittery because I was back in Orange Valley, but that was something that Madison had overlooked completely. It was so odd. She’d been able to see right through my barriers in the past, tell me what was wrong, and help me to overcome my fears. All she seemed to be doing that day, was talking Melanie down, and yelling at me for not visiting her enough. It was sick, but she was reminding me so much of Kerri in that moment, that it was making my stomach hurt really bad. I guess Madison sensed my mood, because the next thing I knew she was asking me if Melanie was outside, and I stupidly told her that she was.
“I’m going to introduce myself,” she’d told me quickly, as she bolted for the door.
“Madison, wait…,” I’d pleaded. I wasn’t ready for Melanie to meet Madison then. I hadn’t told Melanie much about my situation, that I was basically forced to come see Madison after I’d been caught cutting myself. Melanie didn’t know anything about it, or about Madison’s moods, how she could treat people when she thought they were bringing confusion into my life. I saw it happen with Kerri. Granted Kerri was…a mess anyway, but still. I didn’t want Melanie to be badgered when she hadn’t done anything to provoke it.
“Justin, relax,” she’d said, her tone returning to that soothing, calm one I’d always liked. “I have to meet her sometime, don’t I?”
What could I say? It was true that Madison, as my shrink, had every right to at least say hello to Melanie and see what she was all about. So I didn’t say anything else, I just waved her off and buried my head in my hands, praying that everything would turn out for the best. It was sad. There was a point in time that I thought Madison was the only one who could fix me, the only one that could sit with me and really understand what went on in my mind. I know, Kerri was like that too but…she was so damaged that she couldn’t see the whole picture. Madison could though. Well at least that’s how it was in the past. Looking back on today though, and seeing Melanie’s reaction to the conversation she had with Madison is only telling me one thing.
It’s telling me that I cant’ trust Madison anymore.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I had really wanted to tell her about my mom and Tennessee. That I was going to have to face my family, friends, Trace, and…Kerri again. I needed her reassurance. I needed her to tell me the best thing I could do to handle the situation. But when she came back into the room after talking to Mel, I was so upset with her, so unable to trust her, that I didn’t find the idea of discussing going home with her very comforting. So I just sat there, fucking dying inside, while she told me everything she wanted me to do until our next session. I didn’t hear a word of it, because I knew I wouldn’t’ be coming back, no matter what anybody said to me, and that included my mother too. I barely said good bye to her when I left her office, and big part of me knew that she sort of understood. That she knew she’d be lucky if she saw me again.
I wonder if she feels like she made a big mistake with me?
We’re having roast chicken with potatoes and rice tonight. I feel kind of good that I played a part in making the dinner, almost like I used to when I was five or six and Nanna let me help roll out the dough for the biscuits. It’s that innocent kind of self gratitude, where you know you haven’t done anything all that important, but you still feel good about it anyway. While most people, including Trace, would think its lame that I’m proud of myself for cutting up a few vegetables, I know that Mel thinks its great. Right now, tonight, that’s really all that matters to me too…that she’s proud of me. That she thinks I’m capable of a lot more than taking pills and locking myself in my room all the time.
“How many pieces do you want?”
“Two.” I say, without a second thought. I’m trying not to drool as she picks up the pieces of chicken with the tongs and plants them on my plate, but its really hard. Everything smells so good, like it always does when she cooks, and I can’t wait to sink my teeth into that tender looking chicken. She didn’t even use a recipe book to make it either, and it’s yet another reason that I’m so glad she’s here. My mom cooks just like that, and my Nana does too. Maybe I can just tell my mom that Melanie reminds me so much of home that I don’t need to go back after all. But I think she’d either laugh at me or make me fly down even earlier than I’m supposed to.
“Want some goop on it?,” she flashes me a silly smile as she spoons some meat drippings out of the pan, ready to dump it on my food.
“Goop,” I laugh, more heartily than I have in awhile. “Way to make it sound appetizing.”
“It’s the good stuff,” she says, as she pours the sauce on top of my chicken and potatoes, not hesitating to give me a over exaggerated thumbs up sign afterwards.
I pour myself a glass of soda and sit down at the table, while Melanie fixes herself a plate. When I pick up my fork I’m a little surprised to find that its actually silverware this time, instead of the usual plastic spork, paper napkin and knife combo that I’ve grown so accustomed to over these past months. I look down and discover that I also have a steak knife too. I guess I must have been staring at it like it was some kind of foreign object, because when Melanie finally joins me at the table, I hear her laugh at me.
“You eat with it,” she giggles. “And that sharp pointy one…yeah, you cut the chicken with it.”
I smile at her, gratefully. I have no idea what’s compelled her to break the rules right now, but I’m not about to complain. The fact that she trusts me that much, makes me feel even more awesome than I did when I was helping with dinner. It makes all the aggression that had built up inside of me this afternoon, just go away. Maybe its Mel’s point to do this. It’s just another factor that proves she knows what she’s doing, and I feel like I should have been committed for thinking Melanie was no good when she first came here. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to eat with a spork?,” I chuckle, and dig into my potatoes, not being able to contain the ‘mmm’ that escapes my mouth immediately afterward.
“Well yeah,” she says, her mouth partially full of food. She chews and swallows, and takes a sip of her milk before continuing. “But you know, I think its time for you to just learn to control yourself. I hate being this warden that has to lock your cabinets, and your drawers like you’re a child. Maybe at first it was for the best, but I think now, you’re capable of a lot more than people think. I mean, this is your house, you know? You worked for it, you paid for it, and you should be able to decide how you want to live in it. And maybe, I don’t know…maybe I’m out of line, but I think Madison is wrong for making rules and guidelines for you like this. You’re not hopelessly insane.” She rolls her eyes.
I know the conversation that Mel and Madison had this afternoon was anything but positive. I guess Madison pissed her off and Melanie pissed Madison off. But in a way I knew that was what would happen anyway. Melanie is too strong to let anybody talk her down. When she believes in something, she sticks by it, and she doesn’t let anybody try to change things around. I love that about her. I remember being that way myself, a long time ago. Ever the perfectionist, when my mind was made up, there was no going back. It didn’t matter how much it cost or how much work had to be put into it so everything would be perfect. That was what I was about then, and I always got my way.
In a normal world, in a normal mindset, hell…I’d pursue her.
But I can’t think this way. I’m not prepared to.
“I think you’re the only one who thinks I’m not,” I say after awhile. “But I guess that’s good, you know…I don’t have to feel like as big of an ass,” I try to smile, but it quickly turns into a frown when I think about all the people who have deemed me a helpless freak.
“Nobody seems to want to take the time to see it, that’s the problem,” she tells me. “Your mom is busy, so I cant’ blame her for not having enough time to look into things and see what really goes on in your head. But I mean, your friends have no excuse. They were just overwhelmed I guess, and gave up. I know how that feels, Justin. I…guess I do push you more than I normally would with anybody else. But I know somebody has to. You know, you should be able to decide when you want to fix dinner, what you want to have for dinner. And I don’t mind cooking and cleaning. But I do mind making a grown man feel like he can’t cut his own food, and I have a serious problem needing to give him permission to fix himself a snack in his own house, or dictating when he needs to clean the house and what days he should just relax and meditate.”
She seems so frustrated, and I feel pretty bad. I guess I know what I put my friends through now, only they forced themselves to abide by Madison’s hand written rules for the good of my recovery. Mel has been doing it, but I can see that now, more than ever…she’s fed up. She thinks its stupid, and hell, maybe it is. I have to laugh a little bit, because now that I think about it, I am living just like a small child would. I just don’t understand why I allowed myself to for so long. Granted, in the beginning I was scared. But after, when I was touring and I was with Kerri, why did I allow it to continue? Why didn’t I just tell everybody that I wanted to work on being normal, that I needed a break from lists and things? I guess they wouldn’t have wanted to listen. I know Trace wouldn’t have anyway. I feel pretty stupid right now. But I know Mel doesn’t think I am. She just thinks I’ve gotten even more messed up because of the way people have treated me…
Like I’m some weird, drooling, psycho.
She gets up from the table before I can come up with something good to say, and makes her way over to the bulletin board hanging on the wall. Once upon a time it was filled with appointments, phone numbers, and important dates I was supposed to remember. Trace had wiped it clean of that long ago though, and replaced it with scheduled pill times, and Madison’s list, so Kerri would have easy access to it. I’ve barely looked at the thing in forever, but now Mel is standing in front of it, looking at the yellow paper tacked to it like its some kind of evil entity. “Mel what are you…”
“You’re twenty four years old, Justin! You don’t need a damn bedtime, or curfew. And you’re not stupid. You can remember when you need to take your medicine.” She rips the papers off the board in disgust and crumples them up in her hand, before throwing them in the trash.
I stare at her like she’s crazy. Part of me feels like laughing and saying ‘right on! Rebellion!’ but I don’t know…it’s weird. It’s like, I love that she’s all for me being myself and shit, but I guess I also feel like she’s angry at Madison and she’s doing this to get revenge or something. It almost seems like something I’d do, and that’s not really good at all…because I’m the crazy one here, and Melanie is supposed to be the mature, responsible one. “Melanie, are you sure about…”
“Are you going to be ninety years old, still expecting somebody to cut your food and remind you when to take your medication? Honestly, I don’t understand why your family went to this extreme. Sure, at first I guess they had to, but it’s been a long time.”
She’s pacing the floor nervously, and I don’t really know what to make of all this. It’s like she’s angry at them and so concerned for me. Like she wants to protect me, because I can’t do it myself. She’s right too. I mean, I just caved in and agreed I’d go back to Tennessee when my mom pushed me the other day. So that means just about anybody can take advantage of me. I think Mel knows that too, and so in turn she’s trying to be the one to make everybody back the fuck off. I realize she’s getting in way too deep and I don’t know if that’s good or not. Yeah, I know she’s my friend and that’s what I wanted. But I don’t want my issues keeping her up nights. What if I’m not worth all this? What if I mess up again and hurt her? I know I’m capable.
She doesn’t though.
“You’re getting kind of riled,” I say softly. “Why don’t you sit and eat before your food gets cold. I mean, I did put a lot of effort into it,” I chuckle. “Those veggies were pretty harsh.”
She takes my lighthearted comment as a cue to ease up a little bit. She miserably plops down into her chair a moment later, and starts to eat silently. I don’t try to make small talk for a little while, and it’s probably better. I can tell she’s calming down as she starts to eat part of her chicken, and that’s good because her pacing and loud tone of voice was starting to make me lose my appetite. Still though, I know we need to get to the bottom of today, so…taking probably the most mature approach that I can, I start to speak again. “What happened with you and Madison today?”
She groans and rolls her eyes. “Well there goes the idea of a pleasant meal.”
“I just figured we should talk about it,” I nod. “I can tell that it upset you and…you know, you always say its good to talk when you’re upset.”
She smiles a little bit. “Am I rubbing off on you Justin?”
I feel my face turn a little bit red, and I feel so fucking embarrassed. “Maybe,” I grin.
“It just…really really irritated me,” she says, the cheerfulness leaving her voice. “She pretty much came out there and said I had no right to be here working for you. She said a lot of things that I didn’t think were very professional, and it was the probably the last way I would have a thought a certified shrink would have acted around me. The way your mom talked about her, I thought she was going to be this really nice laid back lady who would have taken my position into consideration. But, all she did was interrogate me like I was some kind of criminal.”
I sigh. I feel terrible that Madison made her feel that way, when there was no reason for her to. I don’t know what was said, but its apparent that Madison made her feel unwelcome, and that she wasn’t doing a good job. It’s the reason I didn’t want Madison talking to Mel in the first place, and now I have to put up with the consequences. “She’s just…I mean, I told her some things that’s all,” I say, nervously. “She doesn’t know you, so she doesn’t think you were brought here under the right circumstances. Before you came here, I was really sick Mel. Worse than you saw me in the beginning. I was at my fathers for months, just hiding. I didn’t talk to anybody, I barely saw day light. I came back here because I knew it wasn’t going to work out, and my dad and his wife were getting fed up with me upsetting my little brothers. My mom wanted to help me out for awhile, but I know I was too much for her. I guess she didn’t know what else to do, so she went and found you. I mean, I know she wanted to stay here herself, but if she’d done that…my career would have been over, you know?”
She nods slowly, seeming to take in everything I’ve just told her carefully for a few moments. “What did you tell Madison?”
I know I can’t answer that, so I just stare at her for a while, fumbling with the napkin in my hands.
“I know I shouldn’t ask,” she sighs. “But damn it Justin, if somebody I don’t know comes to me and tries to tell me I don’t know what I’m doing, tries to make me scared of you and tries to make it so I can’t trust you, I want to know what was said about me to make them go to that kind of an extreme.”
I don’t have any idea why Madison would try to tell her things about me that would scare her. It really scares me that Madison would go to that extreme too, because she’s my shrink and she’s not supposed to talk about things like that with other people unless I say its okay. It makes me want to call my mom and tell her, but I know it would just cause more unwanted drama that I’m not ready for. I do decide to cut Madison off for good though, right here and now. I just cant’ forgive her for doing something like this to somebody that I care…I mean, value as a friend. It’s just not fair to me. “Look, I don’t know what she said to you, but I didn’t say much of anything about you to her, Mel. All I said was that, you were really making a difference. But I guess she was already angry with me, and was confused about you and my mom, and the whole thing. She just took it out on you, and…I’m sorry. I never meant for things to go like that. I wouldn’t’ have asked you to wait for me if I’d known this was going to happen.”
She looks up at the ceiling for a minute and sucks in a breath. I think she might be close to tears and that really bothers me, but I won’t point it out because I know she’ll just get irritated.
“Isn‘t it a good thing that I‘m making a difference, Justin? Or does that bitch not want you to change so she can keep sucking up your money, and put in her autobiography that she helped the great Justin Timberlake overcome his tragedy.”
Madison may have pissed us both off. She may be getting cut off from me for good as of today, but I can’t say that she hasn’t helped me in the past, or that she’s a horrible manipulative bitch. Melanie is really angry now, and I understand that, but she also doesn’t know a lot of things, or the reasons why Madison was so paranoid today. “It’s not about that, all right,” I snap.
“Well if it’s not about that, then what the fuck is so wrong with having someone here to help you out? What‘s so wrong with wanting to take stress off of your own mothers shoulders so she herself doesn’t wind up in the nut house!” She shakes her head and sits back in the chair, crossing her arms over her chest. “I think Madison is just jealous.”
I stare at her for a few moments. That comment made her sound just like Kerri, and that really bothers me. It bothers me because Madison isn’t jealous at all. It’s Mel that’s jealous. She’s jealous because there’s still so much about me that she still doesn’t know, and hell…she probably never will, but Madison knows everything. That bothers Mel, because she’s trying to help me the best way she knows how without knowing the full circumstances of what happened. Sure, it’s a little childish but I can’t say that I don’t understand. I do. I hate being left in the dark just as much as the next person. But these things…these things are things I can’t just tell people about. They’re too dark for her ears…
Too disgusting.
I find myself wanting to retreat from her a little bit, and I push myself away from the table slightly. She notices too, and she looks like I’ve just insulted her. I sigh. “Look, if you knew how things were, you’d understand a lot more. And I’m sorry that you don’t. I’m…I’m sorry that you’re kind of looking in on all of this through some kind of imaginary window. But I can’t help that.”
“She fucking talked down to me like I was a teenage brat or something,” she says, with a roll of her eyes. Her voice is cracking a little too, and it occurs to me that I’ve never seen Melanie shed real tears before. Not even when she had to check me for my scars. It scares me. I don’t want to see the one person who I think has it all together, crumble in my presence. It’s like the illusion will have faded away, and I’ll have to accept the fact that she’s a real person, with real emotions…just like me. “She acted like I’m here because of who you are, and not because I have a job to do. It fucking pissed me off, Justin.”
“She shouldn’t have done that,” I reply softly. “I really did try to reason with her Mel, but she didn’t think I was in the right state of mind to make that decision. Maybe if I hadn’t…confessed to certain things, she would have stayed away from you. But…but it was killing me Mel. I had to tell somebody what I’d been going through, and she was the only one I could trust.”
She seems to understand, which is good, but her mood doesn’t seem to change. She‘s still pissed off at the world, and I guess I just need to understand. If things were the other way around, I think I‘d be a hell of a lot angrier than she is. Thank god for small miracles I guess.
“I just don’t think it was very professional for her to come and insinuate that I had a crush on you, or that you were trying to make me believe that we had something going on. It‘s like she doesn‘t even know the shit I‘ve gone through with you. She doesn’t even know the shit I‘ve gone through myself, but she had every right to disregard that and make assumptions.”
Okay, now I‘m the one who‘s fucking confused. “What? What do you mean you and I had something going on? She said that?”
“God…she…”
She throws her head back and seems kind of regretful that she said any of that that to me. But I don’t care. She said it, and now I want to know what the fuck was said. Did Madison tell her about Kerri? Did she tell her about how fucked up our relationship was? I swear to god…
“She said that you were manipulative, and you‘d try to charm me and sweet talk me to get your way,” she says the words quietly, like she regrets confessing any of it to me, but she feels obligated to at the same time. Then she looks at me, hard, right in the eyes. “She acted like all you were good for, was hurting me.”
“Oh.” I can‘t even look at her right now, because I know everything she just said is true. I am manipulative, and all of that. I do use people, and I hurt them too. I just didn’t think Madison would come right out and tell Melanie all of this. I bury my face in my hands because I don’t know what else to do. She probably thinks I‘m a piece of shit now, that I’m going to hurt her. She doesn’t know what I put Kerri through, but if she knew all of that on top of everything else that went on today, her bags would be packed and she‘d be gone in the morning.
“I don’t believe her, Justin.” Mel says, and I feel her hand rubbing my shoulder a moment later. “She was trying to drive me away, that’s all.”
It takes me awhile, but eventually I find the strength to pick my head up out of my hands. “Maybe she‘s right.”
“Stop.”
I hear her but I don’t listen. I get up from the table and wander into the living room, where I plant myself on the couch.
“Justin, it‘s not even a big deal. God…I shouldn’t’ have even said anything…”
“It’s true,” I say after a moment. “All of it.”
I feel her slowly sit down beside me. “You can’t let her make you feel that way, Justin.”
“You don’t know me,” I say. “You don’t know what I do.”
Silence.
“You’re saying she’s right,” Mel says after awhile, the confidence gone from her voice. “But, why?”
“Listen to me.” I turn to her and take one of her hands, grasping it gently. “I’ve fucked up…a lot. My whole life, I grew up with this girl…she lived just across the street from me. I think I probably hurt her more than anybody I’ve ever come in contact with…” I close my eyes and shake my head. “And when she came home a few months ago, I never counted on getting her mixed up in the kidnapping. She was just there, and they took her along with me. Things just…they went downhill from there, you know? I latched onto her because she was there and she knew everything. But I just…I hurt her. I fucking did so much shit to that girl, and she still stuck by me. Then I…I pushed her over the edge. I can’t make up for it, and I don’t expect her to come crawling back to me anymore. But I cant’ have you sit here and think that Madison lied to you today. Because she didn’t. She knows…she knows what I’m capable of, and I guess…she was right to warn you.”
It’s quiet. She slips her hand out of mine and stares back at me for a few minutes, seemingly in disbelief. I know what I’ve told her is a lot for her to take in, and I can’t blame her if she decides to cut me off after this. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tells me we can’t be friends either. I’ll be hurt of course, but I’ve lost so many people already that I think it will numb me more than anything else. “Melanie, I…”
“I drove a lot of people out of my life too,” she says quietly, keeping her gaze focused on the couch cushion. “And when I wanted to get them back, they either treated me like a child or they were so…harsh, it hurt me every time they’d even look at me.” She stops and wipes at her eyes, and this time I know she’s really crying.
I take in a long breath. “But, I hurt her.”
She shakes her head like it doesn’t even matter. Of course, I didn’t tell her everything. I can’t. But just saying what I said…should have made her run far far away from me. It’s a little scary. Why I am so important? What makes her stay here, when she could clearly be working in a less dramatic environment someplace else?
“I hurt a lot of people Justin,” she continues. “And…a lot of people hurt me in return. But in the end, I was the one who hurt myself the most, by carrying all the weight on my shoulders and shutting everybody out of my life. I still struggle with it…” She trails off and finally meets my gaze, the thick trails of tears noticeable on her face. “And I know you sit here and probably think I have it all together, Justin. But, I don’t,” she chokes a little and starts to sob. “I feel like…I’ve been lying to you this entire time.”
She’s admitting so much to me right now. More than I thought she ever would. It should scare me but for some strange reason it’s not. If anything, it’s making me feel more comfortable around her. She’s not so perfect, not so “on” so to speak. She’s like me. She has so many issues, and she hides them well. She holds her head high for me everyday, smiles and jokes… but when she goes to bed at night, she’s a shell of that person. She’s insecure and frightened. Fuck, I want to help her. But who am I to help her, when I don’t even know about her past…or if she’d even want to tell me anymore about it. Hell, am I even stable enough to handle that? I couldn’t even handle Kerri’s issues and she’d gone through almost the same ordeal as I did. Maybe it was because I was a mess over that girl. Maybe it was because I loved her so much, that I couldn’t really love her at all. None of it makes sense. But Kerri isn’t even the issue right now. Melanie is. And even though Melanie was never raped, never pushed around, or held at gunpoint, she still knows how it feels to be fucking lost.
She knows what its like to be alone and abandoned.
It makes me wonder what happened to her. What could have pushed her to the brink? Made her try to take her own life? I know those are questions I have no place asking, and I wouldn’t dare. But still, it concerns me. While I’d never tell her this outright, it’s a little bit scary knowing she could crack just like I have in the past. But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s my friend, and I can trust her, because she’s able to pull herself together when she needs to. Just like me.
“Hey.” I take her hand, because she’s crying softly and I really….I hate to see her so upset. It’s not fair to her, because she’s worked so hard to help me.
“I’m sorry,” she sniffs and seems to try her hardest to stop crying. “I’m just a mess right now. I think I need to eat some more and go to sleep…something…”
“You know, you don’t always have to hide everything from me,” I say, trying to force a reassuring tone. “I think we‘ve come a long way from the beginning of this whole thing, and I know I feel comfortable telling you a lot of things. If you ever need to talk…”
But the trust in her eyes quickly fades away, and she slips her hand out of mine again. “How about we watch a movie, okay?”
I narrow my eyes at her, knowing she’s getting scared right now and she’s trying to hide from me. “Melanie.”
“Please, Justin,“ she pleads. “Let’s watch a movie.”
Her pain runs deep. I can see it in her eyes, sense it as her entire body seems to stiffen when I shift a little closer to her. I can’t ask, but…whatever it is she’s gone through has been horrible. I’d never say anything to my mom either, and she knows that. That’s why she hasn’t run back to her house yet. I know the best thing I can do for her, as her friend, is back off and put a movie in. That way we can both unwind, and maybe…eventually, we’ll be able to share our feelings again. I can’t say when, and I doubt I’ll be able to tell her much more than I have tonight. But I don’t think she’d expect me to anyway.
“All right.” I get up from the couch and grab my copy of American Pie out of the DVD rack, knowing that there’s no possibility that it could depress either of us. She barely looks at me as I put the DVD in the machine and sit back down next to her. It’s about fifteen minutes into the movie when I feel her eyes on me, and when I look over at her she looks so scared, like she doesn’t know what to do. I put an arm around her then, not knowing why, or how I even allowed myself to do it, and pull her close to me so she can lean her head against my chest. She doesn’t say anything, just closes her eyes. Her breathing seems to get more steady after a moment or two and I know she’s sort of drifted off. She looks so peaceful, and I realize I’ve never seen her sleep before so I don’t know how she looks any other time she‘s asleep. Though something tells me, she’s usually not this peaceful…
I stroke her hair, and I try as hard as I can to hold back my own tears as the memory hits me with full force.
“I don’t…Justin…” She looks at me again. Her eyes are big, frightened. “Justin, I don’t want to die.”
This time I don’t think about what she might do. I move closer to her, and drape an arm around her shoulders. “We’re not going to die,” I whisper, cupping her face with my free hand. “I promise you okay? We’re going to get out of here…you’ll see.” I stroke her face and hair, and lightly kiss her on the forehead. I feel her tense up a little, and I know that I shouldn’t have crossed that line with her…but I don’t know what else to do. I want her to know that I’m going to try as hard as I can to protect us…..
I shake my head of the memory, before it can expand into other…things. What did I do? Why did I let myself fuck up so bad? How could I let myself tear apart the one woman who had stood by me even after she knew what I’d done to make sure we both got out of that place alive? Damn it…I loved that girl. I couldn’t be with her anymore because I was too fucked up, but I still…I loved her. I’d give anything right now to make things right, I’d do anything I had to do, anything she asked of me. But I know I don’t have anymore chances with Kerri. In fact, I don’t even know why I haven’t been confronted about what I did to her. I know Kerri. I know that Trace is her best friend and that she tells him everything. But…I know she still hasn’t’ told him what I did to her that night. I would have gotten a phone call, and an ass kicking. And I know she kept her mouth shut to protect me.
But why the hell would she have done that?
I guess I underestimated her. I guess her love for me ran deeper than I could have ever imagined. I was her first love…her only love, and I used her and hurt her, and I didn’t fucking care either. I’m a monster, and a bastard, and everything Madison told Melanie I was today. I probably don’t deserve to live…but, here I go getting down and depressed again. I can’t do that to myself, I know that. I’ve been working towards a better future, even though its without Kerri. It’s what I have to do. And until Kerri blows my cover, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. I glance at Mel, who’s beyond passed out at this point. I know she believes in me. She’s the only one, and she doesn’t even have a reason to. It’s not even about the money. She just cares.
I don’t know how to handle that.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to care about her. Yeah she’s my friend but…I don’t know. I’m just so fucking confused right now. In a million years I never thought Mel would be the one who’d break down. I never thought she’d need me to be strong for an hour or so, or need to lean against me and fall asleep. When did I become a comfort zone? I’m a fucking bastard…
Or maybe that’s not the case so much anymore. I can be moody still, I know that. But I don’t fly off the handle so easily these days. I don’t mind going outside with Mel, or taking a walk around the surrounding neighborhood with her. I feel safe and comfortable. I don’t look over my shoulder as much, and I’m not as tense. It’s like, I’m getting better and she’s not even doing all that much to make me this way. She’s just here, and she pushes me to be better for myself. For the first time, I’m working to please somebody else other than my mom or my management, or Trace. I’m working to make myself happy. I cant’ even remember the last time I did that, and that includes all the time before the incident happened. So if I’m getting better, does that mean I can start to make amends with Trace? Can I talk to him, give him a call? Can I go back to Shelby Forest with my head held high? Talk to my family…apologize, and act like nothing ever happened?
It’s freaking me out that I think I can safely say yes to all of those questions now, when just a few weeks ago I was barricaded inside my bedroom, with the curtains drawn.
Somewhere inside of me, I can feel that old Justin I used to know pushing himself up from the depths of my soul, and I think…he’s ready to come out again. I think he’s ready to smile and rejoin society. To talk, laugh, and spend time with his friends and family again. Am I ready for that though?
I look at Melanie, who smiles just slightly in her sleep. “Flurm…” she says sleepily, not lifting an eyelid.
Oh yeah, I’m ready.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
