“Mel…Melanie. Wake up.”

The voice is distant, like its coming from a thousand miles away. My eyes drift open slowly, and I let out a short yawn before reaching up to rub the sleep from my eyes. The sun is shining warmly on my body, something I’m not really used to. The bedroom I sleep in is pretty dark, because I want it that way.

But now that I’m sitting up, I realize why it’s so bright in here.

“Melanie you gotta get up,” Justin says, slightly panicked.

I run a hand through my hair. I realized I slept here all night. I fell asleep after…

Shit, I must have fallen asleep on the couch with Justin.

I’ve never felt so warm next to somebody in my life. It’s like, Justin’s entire body was this one big comfort zone. The minute my head hit his chest, I felt like I could have lied there forever and never been haunted by another bad memory or nightmare again. I can still remember breathing him in, that sweet scent of soap and freshly laundered clothes mixed together. He smelled of comfort, he felt like comfort, and I let myself fall into the trap against my better judgment. I know I’m not stupid. I could have forced myself to wake up and go back to the guest house. But damn it, I just didn’t want to. For the first time in years, there was a man in my life that I actually felt safe enough to be around for the night.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore.

“Melanie!”

I fully snap out of my daze this time, and sit up a little bit more. Justin is frantic now. He has a big garbage bag in one hand, and is bent down on the floor picking up random pieces of junk that have found their way onto his carpet over this past week. “Justin,” I find myself giggling his name. “What are you doing? I’m going to clean later, I promise.”

“My mom is going to be here in five fucking minutes.” He angrily shoves some more junk into the bag. “The house is a mess. I haven’t even showered, and you’ve been here all night. This is bad Mel. I don’t need her asking questions. I…I have too many questions as it is.”

Okay, it’s time to be the straight forward, level headed one again. Yeah, he’s right, the house is a pretty big mess. Normally, I’d never let it get this bad. But I’ve been so preoccupied with other things I mean, yeah I did a pretty good cleaning the other day when Justin and his mom went to lunch, but since then I’ve neglected to make sure I kept up with the mess that Justin leaves all over the house. That should piss me off. I should be yelling at him right now, telling him that its not my fault that he chooses to leave trails of junk all over after I spend hours cleaning the house for him. But I find that I can’t yell at him. I’m still lost in the memory of last night. I’m confused, and happy, and terrified all at the same time. I mean, god, I know nothing really drastic happened. But it’s just the fact that he’s a guy…and I haven’t had any male contact in five damn years. It’s doing things to me. Bad things, that I need to just push deep down inside of me and forget about. “Just calm down, Justin.” I manage to get up from the sofa and I grab the garbage bag from him. “Go up and get showered. I’ll do what I can about the mess before she gets here, all right?”

His shoulders sag a little bit, and the expression on his face is telling me that he feels a little stupid for freaking out. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I guess I’m kind of high strung this morning.”

I think that’s probably my fault. I mean, maybe he woke up with me laying on him and got all confused. It’s probably really unhealthy that I slept here on the couch with him. Madison would probably stab me if she knew, and I’m sure Lynn wouldn’t be pleased at all. “I shouldn’t’ have slept here,” I sigh. “It’s my fault, so just…don’t worry okay? I’ll just put my hair up in a rag and grab a bucket so it looks like I’ve been cleaning. If she gets pissed, she gets pissed. I can take the fall.”

I sound like a damn moron right now, trying to protect him from his mommy’s scolding words. After all this time, I don’t know why he’s so terrified of her anymore. I mean, they’ve been bonding a little bit, and he’s not as cold to her as he was in the beginning. I figured that was good, that maybe Lynn wouldn’t worry so much and wouldn’t’ call him twelve times a day. But since she’s come here, her calls haven’t really eased up all that much. She doesn’t’ call past eight, which I guess is good. But during the day Justin’s cell rings at least once an hour, and Lynn is only staying about ten miles away with a friend. Sometimes I think she’s just a little too much, but I don’t say anything. I know that Lynn and Justin have always been a team. When I first sat down with her, she told me a little bit about Justin’s childhood and his rise to fame with NSYNC. It seemed like her son was also her best friend, which to me was a little strange, but I didn’t let it show. After all, my mother and I barely got along so who was I to judge Lynn and Justin’s relationship anyway?

He turns slightly, like he’s going to listen to what I’ve told him to do, so I start picking up trash and dirty clothes as fast as I can, all the while making a plan of what to tell Lynn if she asks what I have planned out for today. Let’s see…grocery store, tidy up the house, mail some letters, return some calls on the answering machine(even though I never check the thing, Justin hates when I do), and that should be enough to satisfy her I think. If not, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time or something.

“Hey, Mel.”

His voice is soft, and full of caution. It’s like he’s too nervous to talk to me right now, and I feel a sinking feeling form in the pit of my stomach. This isn’t good. I’ve made Justin feel insecure and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to prevent this whole time. Fuck, why did I give in to my emotions like that? I’m supposed to be strong and together…cry behind closed doors. But last night I let him know exactly how I am on the inside, just because I didn’t know any other good alternative to make him feel better about Madison and the whole story he told me about some girl he grew up with. I figured if he knew I wasn’t all together a hundred percent of the time, he’d calm down and feel a little bit less like the freak I know he thinks he is. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I should have patted him on the shoulder, told him he was a good boy like everybody else, and gone to bed.

“Yeah.”

“It’s not bad…that you were here all night,” he says, managing to look me in the eyes. “If…if I’d known you were scared and shit, I probably would have had you over awhile ago. I…I don’t want you to be alone if you’re…you know…damaged or…”

“I’m not damaged,” I grunt. God, now I’m on the defensive. It’s pissing me off that he’s been exposed to my weak side. That he knows I crack just as easily as he does. The last thing I need is a pity party from Justin. He has his own issues that are far from being resolved and I’m not about to saddle him with my past or my present issues. It’s not right, and I’m…I don’t think I’m even ready to let him in any further than I have. I’m slipping. I know it now. It’s been too long that I’ve gone without having a good…close friend that I can confide in. Justin is a great target, because he’s alone and vulnerable. Well I’m not doing that to him. I’m not exposing him to shit that he cant’ handle.

And I’m not exposing myself to anymore shit I can’t handle.

“Okay.” He seems very uneasy as he stares down at the floor. “I just know how you feel, that’s all.”

“Nobody knows how I feel,” I say, trying not to sound too bitter. I can’t help it though. He can’t just figure me out overnight, even though he probably thinks he can. “I don’t mean to come off with an attitude about it, Justin. But…you just can’t know everything about me because I fell asleep on your chest.”

“You’re pushing me away,” he says with a glare. “I thought last night was an important step for us, Melanie. I told you a lot…and…”

“Yeah you did,” I say, with a sigh. “And I’m glad that you did Justin. I know how hard it is for you to talk about things with people, especially somebody like me. But my issues are just my issues. I…I just got too into the moment.”

“Why do you always hide, when you let your emotions out a little?,” he questions, harshly. “You’re allowed to do it too, Mel. I don’t always have to be the one that gets to feel a little bit better, you should know that. You should know that…I’m here for you.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels a little. “And I’d never…you know…make you feel bad about things you’ve done or been through.”

He’s confused, that’s all it is. It’s like he wants to care about me like I care about him, but he doesn’t understand that it’s part of my job to care. I do value him as much as I can as a friend, but I’d never let him see the real, true, honest me. Last night I almost let it happen, so I’ll be more careful from now on. But the girl he saw last night…she was just a shell of the real me. Nothing compared to Melanie Parker form Michigan. I don’t think anybody really knows her anymore. It’s like she’s been replaced with this weird, emotional freak, who hides like a troll in her dark bedroom at night. She thinks she can’t amount to anything, and reminds herself of that when she’s by herself in her dark bedroom. But when she leaves her house in the morning she holds her head up high, because she’s been taught how to live two ways. And it’s good for her. Because if anybody knew…how disgusting she was…

She wouldn’t exist at all.

“I know you wouldn’t.” It’s the most I can say, because I don’t want to put him down, and I don’t want his feelings about me to build anymore than they have. If he thinks he’s making a difference in my life, and making me feel better…that’s good. It’s good that he feels accomplished, and I’m a great actress. So it’s still working out despite the fact that I’m fake as hell. “Thank you for everything last night. I…I appreciate it.”

That part was genuine.

He smiles slightly. “I’ll be down quick. If she comes just…you know, let her in and tell her I took a late jog or something.”

“Will do,” I reassure him, and make sure to watch him run upstairs so I don’t have to worry about him spewing some sentimental comments over the railing. Then…it’s work mode. I clean up the living room as quick as I can, and I have to say it doesn’t look as bad as it could for a ten minute cleanup. I toss the dirty clothes into the hamper in the laundry room, put the trash outside, and concentrate the rest of my efforts on the kitchen. I sigh heavily. I didn’t realize I hadn’t’ cleaned up the kitchen after our dinner last night. Thank god for dishwashers I guess, because that’s where I put everything with food stuck to it. My hope is, Lynn wont bother to inspect it for an empty rack. But then again, she’s not really that anal. She’s more of visual person, which is good for people like me who have to make quick cleanups after messy people like Justin.

I’ve just stopped vacuuming the living room when Justin reemerges from upstairs. He looks a lot different today. He’s wearing a tight muscle tee shirt, with some kind of crazy picture on it, jeans of course, and some sandals. He actually shaved, and I can’t deny the fact that I’m shocked. He looks really refreshed too, something I haven’t seen yet since I’ve been here. I guess I’m wrong by saying he looks different. I think…I think I can say he looks normal. Normal as in, he could go pose for a magazine cover right now with no issues. He looks like he gets sleep, and that he eats. He looks like Justin Timberlake. Not Justin…mental patient. “Look who’s rejoined society,” I smile at him as he reaches where I stand.

He laughs softly. “What do you mean?”

I punch him in the shoulder lightly. “Ya look good, kid.”

He gives me the most bewildered look I’ve ever seen, but there’s no time for me to explain myself because I hear a car roar up the driveway now, and I know Lynn has finally arrived. “It was more like a half hour, Justin,” I say, mockingly. “Next time I wont rush as much.”

“Hey, I was just looking out for us,” he says, a little too seriously, and wanders over to the front door. “You know how she gets.”

I just shrug. Really, I think he was probably paranoid over nothing. But considering last night, I wont blame him or laugh at him for how he’s acting.

Justin opens the door for his mother, and I’m overwhelmed almost immediately. Not only is she standing there, smiling like everything is just fucking great, but she has two little puppies in her arms as well. They’re yapping and wriggling around in her arms, and I’m just…in shock. Why in the world would she buy Justin pets? Can’t she see that he’s hardly able to take care of himself? I cross my arms and groan miserably under my breath. I know what this means. It means more shit that I have to take care of and clean up after. God, and I hate to be a bitch like this too. I know the dogs will make Justin happy. I can already tell by the look on his face and the way he’s laughing as the puppies continue to yap and lick at Lynn’s face.

I’m just not in the mood to take on the responsibility of taking care of them. I’m sure they weren’t cheap, and are going to need all kinds of vitamins and special visits to the vet.

“Mel, look at this,” Justin motions me over with a wave of his hand, and flashes me a huge smile. “Look at what my mom got for me.”

With a forced smile I walk over to where they are standing and survey the scene. Justin is holding both dogs in his arms now, laughing as they lick his face and bite at his fingers. I steal a glance at Lynn, who looks like she’s never seen anything so precious in her life. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I don’t let my emotions show. “Wow.” It’s all I can say, without letting onto the fact that I’m annoyed.

“They’re boxers,” Lynn explains, as Justin proceeds to kneel on the floor and play with his new found friends. “I got them from this wonderful lady up in Napa. She met with me just this morning. They have their papers and everything. From what she told me, their mother was once a Westminster champion. I was only going to take one originally,” she smiles. “But they were playing together and it was just so adorable, I figured the house had more than enough room for two.”

I nod a little, and glance down at the trio on the floor again. Justin is lying on his back now, and the dogs are just…all over him. They’re licking his face and neck, sliding off of him onto the floor, and clambering back up on his chest again. I’ll admit, they are adorable puppies. But I’m sure they are far from house broken, and one day those puppies are going to be big…dogs. Honestly, what was Lynn even thinking about? And why didn’t she tell me she was going to get Justin a dog before hand so I could better prepare myself? “Well they’re adorable,” I say, as positively as I can. “Justin’s going to have a great time with them.”

She looks down at her son, who is as oblivious to our conversation as a five year old would be right now. Honestly, I’ve never seen Justin like this before. You’d think he was on cloud nine, the way he’s acting. You wouldn’t’ think he had a care in the world, and I know…I know that’s why Lynn did this. I know that animals can be therapeutic, and can help relieve stress. That’s important for Justin right now, and it’s probably one of the only reasons why Lynn has sprung this so suddenly on us. I feel pretty crappy for being annoyed, I guess I just have a lot on my mind and I don’t feel like having to tend to the needs of two puppies, when I already have to do so much with Justin as it is. Maybe I’m wrong. I mean maybe…this will teach Justin to take on some responsibility for something other than himself. I just don’t know, but I guess I’ll find out how he reacts when they start howling at three in the morning because they don’t want to be crated.

If I get a knock on my door, I think I’ll flip out on him.

Lynn’s cell phone starts to ring then, and as she pulls it out of her purse and looks at the ID, her smile turns into a frown. “God, I have to take this,” she groans. “It’s Johnny…so, I’ll be back okay?”

I nod, and she rushes away to answer her phone call. Justin hasn’t even noticed. He’s laughing now, probably harder than I’ve ever heard him laugh before. It’s so weird that something as insignificant as a couple of puppies could put him in this good of a mood, but I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. This is a good thing for him, and I should just be happy and keep my mouth shut about how annoyed I am.

“This one’s a girl, Mel. Look.” He holds the dog up so I can get a closer look, and I smile and sit down on the floor beside him.

“They’re nice,” I say, trying not to sound aggravated. “Your mom was sweet to get them.”

“I had black Labrador when I was a kid. He was my grandparents dog though…Bandit.” He doesn’t look at me as he tells me this though, he’s still looking at his dogs with a stupid smile on his face. “But after he died I didn’t really have much time for a dog with all the stuff I was doing.”

I nod a little, knowing that the memory is important to him and that really…he’s probably wanted to get a dog for a long time now. “It’s a big responsibility though, you know,” I say quietly, stealing a glance over my shoulder to make sure Lynn isn’t within earshot. “Two puppies.”

The brightness fades from his eyes a little bit. “You think I can’t handle two little dogs, Mel?”

“It’s not that,” I lie. “It’s just…you know... we’ve been working on getting you better first, before you start doing other things…that’s all.”

“You act like I’m adopting a kid.” He puts the puppy he was holding down on the floor beside the other one. “They’re just dogs, Mel. I think I can at least handle that without screwing it up,” he snaps, like I’ve hurt him or something.

“Well, I’m not going to be the one walking them at all hours of the night, or cleaning up after them when they pee all over the place.” I roll my eyes and force a serious expression for him. While last night was…different, and while I know Justin is really happy having the dogs here, I’m not going to just sit back and watch the chaos unfold. I know somebody has to be the responsible one here, otherwise the whole house is going to stink like animal waste in a matter of days. “They’re you’re responsibility, Justin…” I pause when one of the puppies wanders over to me and scratches at my leg with it’s paw. It wants to be held, and I find myself reaching toward it before I catch myself. No…no I’m not going to cave. “I’m not going to walk them or feed them,” I say, shifting away from the animal. “I want that understood, okay?”

Justin lies flat on his back again and lifts one of the dogs into the air. “Fine. Whatever.” He rocks the dog back and forth in the air and calls it a good boy, trying to pretend that I’m not even there.

Well fine.

He’ll learn the hard way.

The sound of the door swinging open immediately grabs my attention, and I’m forced to look away from Justin. Eric ducks through the door, knocking on it a couple of times and laughing a little as he closes it behind him. “Who’s ready for some basketball?”

I push myself up from the floor, and stare at Justin’s burly bodyguard like he’s speaking another language. As far as I know, today was supposed to be a simple day, without visitors. Now it’s turning into a circus with Lynn, the dogs, and now Eric all here. It’s not a bad thing that Justin has company of course, but I really thought that i was going to be able to slink away to my guest house today, and think about what happened last night. Yea, I’m still really uneasy about it and the fact that I haven’t had a chance to sit and really think about all of this yet is making me very agitated. Still, I force a smile for Eric, knowing that if I don’t it will sour everybody’s mood very quickly. “Oh, hey Eric. I didn’t know you were coming over.”

A whimpering at my feet causes me to look down momentarily and I sigh a little bit. The puppy that isn’t being held is at my feet now, scratching at my foot for some attention. Reluctantly, I pick it up, not wanting to seem like a debbie downer in front of Eric. The puppy licks my face a little bit, and I can’t help the small smile that forms on my lips a moment later. I steal a glance at Justin and roll my eyes. He’s watching me now, the smirk on his face telling me that my supposed dislike for his new “toys” is being short lived. Whatever, it won’t be so cute when I end up doing all the work myself.

“Well uh..” Eric sits on the couch and looks around the room for a few moments. I know this was planned now, probably by Lynn. But why? Lynn didn’t mention that anything was going on today, or that Justin had to go anywhere.

I hate being in the dark.

“I just came to hang out, watch the game with J,” he tells me after awhile. “You down with that J?”

Justin takes his focus from the puppy in his arms for a moment. “What?”

“The game,” Eric laughs.

“Oh.” Justin says, uninterested, and looks back at the puppy. “Yeah, sure.”

I’m about to tell Eric that Justin is probably going to be preoccupied with his new friends for most of the day, but I’d be happy to watch the game with him instead. But then Lynn walks out from the opposite hallway, looking annoyed as she flips her cell phone closed. “That man worries about the stupidest little things,” she groans.

“He was bitching, mom?”

Its the first time he’s taken his focus from the puppies since they were brought through the door, and his tone seems strained too. I haven’t really pried into Justin’s professional life much. The most he’s told me when the subject has come up, is that the entertainment business is a stressful one, and that sometimes you can never please people, no matter how hard you work or how much money you make. I try not to bring up his career because of this. He’s stressed out enough without having to worry about work. But its apparent now, that he does worry about it.

He just doesn’t discuss it with me.

“We’ll talk later,” Lynn reassures him. “It’s nothing that cant be resolved.”

She’s looking at me now, like I’m supposed to say something encouraging. But what the hell am I supposed to say? I tend to stay out of Justin and Lynn’s personal business if I can. I just don’t feel like I play a part in it. I put the puppy down next to Justin, and smile a little bit. “Is there anything I can do Lynn?”

She smiles. “I actually came here to take you out,” she tells me. “So get changed and let’s go.”

She grabs her purse and heads out the door. Justin doesn’t seem to notice really, he’s still interested in the puppies. I look to Eric for an answer but he just smiles and shrugs, before telling me to have a good time.

“So I’ll be back later, okay Justin?” I grab my purse off of the coffee table, having left it there last night.

“Yeah, okay Mel.” He doesn’t look at me.

I guess I’ve been demoted.
I quickly get changed and freshen up before meeting Lynn in the driveway. She’s in a convertible, and I’m figuring she must have rented it because the other day she was driving an SUV. “This is nice,” I say nervously as I get in and fasten my seatbelt. I should be happy that Lynn has decided to take me out with her. Although, it might be because she needs me to be her assistant today, but it doesn’t really matter. I think I need to get out of the house anyway. It will help me clear my head and take my mind off of....well, last night.

She laughs at me. “You haven’t seen it? It’s been sitting in Justin’s garage for months.”

I feel myself blush. I hate to admit it, but even though I’ve been at Justin’s for as long as I have, I still haven’t explored all that much. The house is huge. If you count the finished basement it has three floors and a four car garage. I usually stick to the downstairs area and the upstairs, bedroom side. I should probably yell at Justin for not having given me a proper tour, but I don’t really see why it matters. Honestly, what Justin owns has never been that important to me. The fact that he’s so successful obviously hasn’t helped him, mentality wise. If it had, he wouldn’t be such a wreck half the time.

Maybe its bold of me to think this way, but I think Justin’s career is a big part of the reason he can’t fend for himself.

“I guess the house...it’s just too big,” I chuckle stupidly and look out the window. For the first time today I’m able to take a breath and let everything sink in. It feels good for a moment, but then I remember last night...what happened, and I realize just how uncomfortable the situation has made me.

“I told him that,” Lynn laughs. “But you know Justin. He gets what he wants.”

I don’t respond. There are a lot of ways I could take that comment, and most of them are bad. Justin does get what he wants. Madison even told me that, and so did Justin. He told me how he thinks he really is, how he’s fucked up, and how manipulative he can be. But I just decided to look the other way last night, let myself lean on him and let him hold me. It’s so dangerous, but I know if I was given the same opportunity tonight, if I could relive last night even...I’d do it again. What does that mean though? That I trust Justin? That’s a given. But...but what’s really scaring me is that I could probably fall for him if things keep going like this.

I just don’t know how to handle that.

I should look the other way...

Or run...

But I’m too far in now.

Lynn doesn’t seem to notice how quiet I am though, and I’m assuming she’s either too caught up in her own life, or she doesn’t want my mood to bring her down. She makes small talk and I laugh and force pleasant answers to her questions as we drive. I don’t ask where we’re going, because it doesn’t really matter anyway. Its terrible but, I kind of just want this outing to be over with so I can go home and try to sort out my brain. Of course that would require me hiding from Justin all night, but I think I’d have to.

I just need to think about things for awhile.

We end up at a mall. I think Lynn tells me its called the Westside Shopping Pavilion. I don’t really care either way. Los Angeles to me, seems like such an impersonal, materialistic city. I get why Justin never wants to go out down here. There are people everywhere. Too many of them. And the idea of him coming to this mall with us is entirely out of the question. As we walk through the doors all I can think is how badly I’d rather be home on the couch, watching the game with Justin and Eric and fighting about puppies and responsibility. But I try to snap out of the vision as best I can. Lynn, after all, is my boss. And as long as I’m out with her I should probably act like the professional woman that she hired, and not some irresponsible little girl.

After Lynn enthusiastically cons me into joining her for one of those tiny espresso shots from Starbucks, I find myself getting lost inside Macy’s with her. I’ve never really been a shopper. Back in high school I used to go to the mall, but I never had much money to spend then. I’d usually hang out with my friends in the food court, and once in awhile one of the guys would buy me some new outfits if they really wanted to get on my good side. Those days seem so long ago though, and really, I have no interest in remembering that part of my life. I follow Lynn around, watching her as she picks things and gives them to the girl that had obviously been called in advance to help Lynn shop. Its the strangest thing, watching people cater to Justin and his family like they are some kind of royalty. Even in Best Buy, despite Justin’s quiet manner, the management had bent over backwards to make sure he was completely taken care of.

It’s no wonder so many people want to live this lifestyle.

If only they knew of the consequences.

Hours pass, and I try not to cringe as Lynn swipes her credit card yet again. This time she’s bought a pocketbook. Before, she had us spend about an hour an a half in the mens department picking out some new clothes and a suit for Justin, as if he needs anymore material things in that house of his. It’s starting to get tiring, following her around. I know I shouldn’t be ungrateful. I am, after all, getting paid. But I feel like such a...peasant, if that makes sense. Lynn said she wanted to take me out, but all she really had to say was ‘come watch me shop, Melanie.’ At least I would have been prepared. I mean, there are a lot of things I could have accomplished at the house today if she hadn’t invited me.

Like fighting about dogs with Justin.

I feel like an idiot because I’m smiling now.

“Melanie. I think this would look fabulous on you,” she grins, holding up a little red sundress and thrusting it towards me. “You should try it on.”

She’s laughing, and so I take it to be nice, but I’m cringing on the inside. It has a plunging neckline that I’m sure would accent my figure and cleavage nicely. I”m not into that whole...body showing off thing though. Not anymore at least. I feel so sick about it in fact, that I nearly hand the dress back to her. But when I look her in the eyes, and see how happy that this idea has made her, I can’t tell her no. I just feel bad. It’s rare that I see Lynn this way...smiling and happy. Who am I to spoil her mood? “Sure,” I say, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice.

We go to the dressing room together, as Lynn has some things she wants to try on too, and she makes small talk in the room next to me. I barely hear her as I change into the dress. It’s something about Los Angeles and her sister. Hell if I know. The only thing I”m thinking about right now, is how long it’s been since I’ve seen myself in any kind of revealing outfit. I know the last time was....that night, and I shudder as I stare back at myself in the mirror. The visions of that horrible night are clear in my mind, and I pull up on the dress, ready to rip it off in disgust. I’m near tears, but then...

“Melanie, come out here so I can see you!”

I take a long breath. I really don’t want to go out there, because if Lynn likes how I look I’m going to have to get the dress so she won’t feel bad. Then she’ll expect me to wear it god knows where, and shit...I’m sure Justin will be around. I can’t handle that. I dont want him to see...more than I choose to let him see now. “Be right out!,” I call back, in that sickeningly fake tone of voice I used when I’m most annoyed.

Hopefully Lynn hasn’t noticed.

It takes me a few minutes, but I finally muster up enough courage to reemerge from the dressing room. Lynn is standing before me, in one of the skirt and blouse combinations that she picked out. The look on her face when she sets eyes on me is something I’m not really accustomed to. I think the only other time I can remember another person looking at me that way, was my grandmother on the night of my senior prom. She’d been proud, as she’d never attended her own high school prom when she’d been a girl and had jumped at the aspect of helping me find a dress when a boy in my class had asked me to be his date. I remember we spent hours at the department store looking for the right dress, and when we finally found it she’d even taken the time at home to take in it at all the right places.

I think it’s the only time my grandmother and I acted like some sort of family.

When I’d come down to meet my date that night there had been tears in her eyes. She’d hugged me, given me a kiss, and told me to have the time of my life. I looked back at her, trying to picture how she’d looked at my own mother when she’d been my age. Part of me wondered if she missed it...regretted things about my mom’s childhood. I didn’t ask then, or ever. All I could do was thank her, pose for a picture with my date and go to the prom. I’d never felt so wanted by her, so loved.

And I never got the opportunity to again.

“You look so cute,” Lynn smiles and instructs me to turn around a couple of times before smiling in approval. “This is one reason why I always wished Justin was a girl.”

We both laugh.

“What do you think, Mel? Do you like it?”

I look at myself in the mirror again. A part of me allows myself to think good things...that I look pretty. That I owe it to myself to dress up every now and then, and have some fun. But then that feeling of dread takes over again, telling me I better just be careful and throw on my jeans and button up shirt again. “I dunno,” I admit, sheepishly. “It is sort of....revealing. I dont even know where I’d wear it.”

“Honey.” Lynn says, in a soothing, motherly tone, and comes up behind me. I feel her rub her hand on my back a little bit, and I’m not used to it. I nearly pull away, because I’m such a mess when it comes to human touch...but I stop myself.

“You’re a beautiful girl, Melanie.”

I meet her gaze, and she stares back at me like she knows exactly what I’ve been through. Like she knows why I dont wear make up or try to beautify myself when I go out of the house. I wonder what my mother told her. I...I would really hope she wouldn’t have said anything about the rape. But knowing my mother, she probably wouldn't’ have. She wouldn't have wanted to ruin her squeaky clean image, and let somebody know that something tragic had happened to her sweet, perfect, daughter. “Thanks.” It sounds stupid, but I don’t know what else to say to her. I know she’s trying...that we haven’t had much time to sit around and talk. I mean, Lynn barely knows anything about my personality. Hell she barely knows how much progress Justin and I have made together...that we’re a team. I dont even know how I’d tell her, because I know she wouldn’t get it.

What Justin and I do is our thing.

And I’m smiling again....

“We’ll get the dress.” She brushes her hand against my cheek a little, and winks at me. “And, I want to let you know how happy I am that you’ve stayed and...put up with everything for all this time. I dont get to say it enough, or see you enough. But I can just see it...for the first time, you know? My son...he’s changed so much, because of you.”

She hugs me and I dont really know what to do. Granted, Justin has changed but I dont think it’s only because of me. He needed somebody to tell him to stop acting like an idiot and move on with his life....force him to do it even. But the rest has all been up to him. She doesn't see that. She views him as a child, and that’s really annoying and stupid to me, but I cant tell her all of that. She’s happy, for the first time in a long time. For the first time...she and Justin are getting back on track, from what I can tell. And she feels better knowing that I’m around for him. “It’s nothing.” I smile softly as I pull away from her. She’s crying of course, and I really feel like I matter.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I matter.

We change again, and Lynn pays for the rest of the clothes. The manager asks her if she needs her packages brought out to her car, which of course was parked by valet, and naturally Lynn obliges. Next we end up at the pet store. Lynn says she wants to accessorize the dogs, and I smile, but I really feel like rolling my eyes instead.

“So,” she says, picking up a water dish and surveying it for a few moments. “I’m assuming that Justin told you about Tennessee.”

Her remark confuses me. I’m not really sure what she means. Yes, we’ve had the conversation and Justin has repeatedly told me he doesn't want to go back there. But I dont see what that has to do anything. “Well...,” I begin softly, toying with a plastic food bowl. “He’s mentioned that he doesn’t want to go back there, in the past.”

Lynn nods a little bit. “There’s a wedding coming up. It was hard, but I convinced Justin that he should go down. It’s only a few weeks away.”

I”m surprised Justin wouldn’t have mentioned something like that to me, after he told me all the reasons why he’s so against going back in the first place. I feel myself frown in disappointment. I guess I underestimated him. I guess some things are just too personal for him to share with me. Who the hell am I kidding? I’m really starting to like him, a lot more than I should, and things are getting to my head. Justin has a personal, private life outside of our friendship and I just need to realize that and stop acting like an idiot. “That’s a pretty big step for him,” I tell her. “Going back home and dealing with family.”

“I know.” She puts the dish down and looks at me. “That’s why I want you to go with us.”

Oh no. There’s no way. I mean, meeting Trace and getting the third degree from him was bad enough without having to deal with the rest of his extended family and friends. I wouldn’t fit in. I’m just not good in social situations anymore, and I think Justin really needs to go down there and focus on himself for awhile, get through a week without me. Besides, that would be a great week for me to catch up on myself. It would be nice I think...just to get away from all of this for a little while. “Oh Lynn, I dunno,” I say quickly. “I mean....”

“Madison spoke to me about what happened the other day,” she interrupts me with a frown. “And I listened. I understand her points, Melanie. But at the same time, I couldn’t agree with her, because Justin hasn’t been this happy since before...what happened. Madison didn’t help him to get there either. You did. I...I feel like you should be there. Not just because Justin needs you, either. I...I feel like you’re almost a part of the family now.”

My mouth hangs open a little. How the hell am I supposed to tell her no now? She’s basically just told me that Madison was wrong, and I’m a part of her family. It’s crazy. It’s so crazy but it makes me feel amazing at the same time. “Lynn...”

She takes my hands in hers and flashes me a genuine smile. “You dont have to say yes right away. I know that I’m asking a lot from you, and meeting people in a situation like that is nerve wracking. Just...think about it okay? Think about it and let me know.”

I nod. It’s the best I can do. All I can really think about is how annoyed I am that Justin didn’t tell me about this to begin with. He must have known that Lynn would mention it to me. Did he just forget? Did last night confuse him that much? Or was he planning to tell me today? Knowing him he was probably trying to plot out the perfect ploy in his mind, that would force me to come with him. Suddenly I’m thankful that Lynn decided to tell me first. Justin wont be able to catch me off guard now.

Although, I’m sure he knows other ways of getting me to do what he wants....

“I’ll think about it,” I reassure her. “I promise, Lynn.”

My answer seems to please her, and the rest of our shopping excursion is filled with nothing more than mindless chatter about dogs, fashion, and local gossip. It’s fun and laid back...finally. And that’s good. It means I wont be as stressed to talk to Justin when I get home.

And I have to have a level head then.

It’s nearly five when we get back. Lynn tells me she has a dinner meeting with some executive from Justin’s label, but that she’ll be back tomorrow. I’m thankful. At least now I’ll be able to talk to Justin alone, without looking over my shoulder every five minutes. With a wave and a beep she’s gone, and I go back into the house. Eric is still sitting on the couch, but Justin isn’t with him. I peer ahead and I can see him seated on the back porch in one of the chairs. “How was the day?,” I ask Eric, as I put my bags down on the coffee table.

“Well he’s out on the porch with those damn dogs now,” he sighs. “He got some call before though, it seemed to upset him a little bit. I tried to talk to him, but he didn’t really want to talk about it so I let it go.” He pushes himself off the couch and walks closer to me. “Hey, is it okay if I take off? I’m supposed to meet a friend for dinner, unless Lynn still needs you.”

Eric cares and he means well. I feel bad for him most of the time, because he has to spend so much time hanging around Justin, when I’m sure there’s a lot of other things he’d rather be doing. “Oh yeah, thats fine,” I say, nodding a little bit. “Thanks for staying the day.”

“It’s not an issue.” He reassures me with a small smile. “You’re helping out a lot, girl. I hope you know that.”

I just shrug. It’s like I’m a god send to these people sometimes. “It’s just my job.”

“Talk to you soon.” He heads to the door and opens it, before turning back to face me. “If you need something, make sure you call me, aight?”

“I will.”

I watch him leave until the door closes behind him, and a disheartening silence fills Justin’s living room. Only the soft murmur of the television gives any insight that something was actually happening in this house today. I turn towards the kitchen and peer out the back door again. I can still see Justin sitting in the chair, slouched. The dogs are wandering around too, mindlessly sniffing around. I feel like biting my fingernails because I know the gate leading into the yard isn’t closed, but I know I need to give Justin some credit and hope he’d stop them from wandering off.

I debate how to handle this situation for a few moments. I know sometimes Justin needs his personal space, and I know there’s about a thousand things I could do besides go out there and try to get him to talk to me. I could actually have a nice night all to myself. But then I think about how sad he probably is, how he spent the day basically alone, and I start to feel like I need to do something about it. I can’t push him, I know that. But I think just the fact that I’d be sitting beside him, watching the sunset would be enough to comfort him, even in a small way. I decide to take a risk and go offer to make him some food, since I know I’m hungry too and I doubt that he ate much of anything today.

I approach the sliding glass door with caution, and open it quietly so I won’t startle him. It doesn’t really matter though, the moment puppy number one lays its big brown eyes on me it starts to jump around and bark, causing its partner in crime to do the same. I see Justin jump a little bit, but when he eyes me he relaxes into the chair again. I step out onto the porch, doing the best I can not to step on little doggie feet and heads as I take a seat beside Justin. “Hey, it’s late,” I speak up softly. “I was thinking about fixing a couple of sandwiches or frying up some hot dogs. What do you think?”
He doesn’t look at me. His gaze is focused somewhere in the distance, and even though I cant see his entire face I can tell that he’s more than just upset. Something is really bothering him, and I wish I was a mind reader...I wish I could say something to make him snap out of the mood.

“That sounds cool,” he says, miserably.

It’s quiet and awkward again in a matter of seconds. I open my mouth to start in with some questioning about what’s going on with him, but stop when I feel something warm and wet slide up my leg. I look down and of course the two fuzz balls are gathered around my feet, sniffing at my shoes, licking my bare legs, and tugging at my shoelaces. This time I dont think about having to clean up dog pee, or taking them for long walks. I just focus on how cute they are, because I’m sure that’s what’s been keeping Justin sane the entire time he’s been sitting out here. I reach down and scratch each puppy on the head, receiving a few licks and gnaws on the fingers in return. One of them yaps when I take my hand away, and I laugh a little. “How are the babies?”

“Well one of them peed,” he informs me, finally able to look me in the eye. “But low and behold, I figured out how to clean it up.” He rolls his eyes, and looks back into the distance again.

I don’t let his attitude sour my mood. I know I can’t because that’s what he wants. I think he figures if he’s in a bad mood, getting other people to feel the same way benefits him or something. It’s fucked up, but I’m sure it makes him feel better. Too bad I’m the one person that doesn’t put up with that kind of garbage. “Oh! I get it. We’re playing the sarcastic game tonight, huh?”

“Well, you seemed to think I wasn’t capable of doing anything right this morning,” he grunts.

I hate when he gets like this. The minute his feelings are hurt, or he feels insecure he turns everything around on the person thats trying to help him...from his mother right on down the line. It’s the reason he’s alone, and the reason he’s such a miserable person. “Look, I know you’re annoyed about something.” The tone of my voice raises a little bit as I say it to him. “Dont turn it around on me.”

“Whatever, Mel.”

From what happened last night, to being placed in a panic this morning, to walking around all day putting on a happy face for Lynn...I’m completely shot. I’m not saying that Justin needs to be fake and hide his feelings from me. But it would have been nice to come home to a person that wasn’t so hell bent on making everybody he knows angry and miserable. I feel like I should just go back inside...but that girl....the one that fell asleep with him on the couch last night, she just can’t leave him.

I want to strangle her.
“You know, Justin. I’ve had a long ass day. You got to sit home with Eric, and play with the dogs while I had to go out shopping with your mom for eight hours. I hate shopping, and I was tired, not to mention the fact that I didn’t have a chance to get over her barging in on us this morning with the dogs. I mean they’re sweet and fun ,but they’re also a big responsibility. I just wanted you to realize that. And fuck....” I trail off, trying to keep myself composed and together, but now he’s staring at me. I got him to pay attention and I dont want him to lose focus. I guess...i guess if we’re going to talk about last night now is probably the best time. We’re alone, he’s listening, and I’m on my high horse. Tomorrow, I’m sure I wont be able to be so bold.

“I can’t help that I was a little bit freaked out about waking up on your couch with you,” I say quickly. “So I’m sorry if I had an attitude this morning. I was just concerned about having to clean up the mess that I know the dogs are going to make, because I can barely get you to clean up after yourself. But still...none of this gives you the right to act the way you’re acting towards me right now. All I want to do is fix you dinner and go home, so can I just do that....please, without hearing anything from you about what I did or didn’t do the right way?”

Justin sits in what seems to be stunned silence for awhile after that. I dont think he expects me to ramble off as much as I do sometimes, and I have to admit it’s one of my many downfalls. If I know you....I can talk your head off. In high school my friends couldn’t get me to shut up, and I was happy then. So if I can ramble this much when I’m this fucked up, I guess I know how annoying I can really be sometimes. I’d apologize to Justin, but at the moment I dont really want to give him the satisfaction.

He is being kind of an ass.

“You can just go home if you want,” he says, very softly. “I can make something if I get hungry.”

Justin is a good person. I can see it in his eyes, even at a time like this. Somewhere inside of him, there’s a warm, funny, lovable guy. Somebody that everybody likes, makes friends easily, and loves to have fun. The problem is, somehow, that guy has gotten lost and replaced with this person who’s confused and unsure of himself. I wish I could make Justin look in the mirror and find himself again, but I know how hard that is. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and feel emptier inside than you did the previous day. Still, we’ve been making progress and it kills me when he shuts me out now a days. I guess I just feel that I’m an important aspect of his life now....

But do I really know Justin that well?

“Eric said that you were fine until you got a phone call in the afternoon,” I say. “So what’s up? You can sit here and pout all night if you want to, I understand and I’m not going to force you to put on a happy face. I just want to know who was on the phone.”

He sighs heavily and rubs his eyes. “This is why I told him not to say anything.”

“What?”

“I don’t need to be fucking interrogated,” he spits, and I know all his anxiety is finally being released. “I’m just tired of everybody telling me who I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do.” He looks down and pulls at the bottom of his tee shirt. “It’s not my fault that I can’t do it right now,” he whispers.

I remember the phone call Lynn got this morning before we left. How she came back complaining that Johnny had been difficult. Justin had seem to jump at the thought, and his expression was filled with worry. I dont have any idea what it takes to be in the music business, and I really don’t want to know. But if it effects Justin this badly and makes him an emotional wreck, I’d like to know who the hell his management thinks they are to be pushy with him right now. “This is about work,” I say, knowingly. “Right?”

“Of course it is.” He shakes his head in disgust.

“Well, I mean, if you wanna talk about it....”

He waves his hand at me. “I make you deal with enough stuff, Mel.”

“But I get paid to deal with stuff.” I chuckle lightly and sink lower into the chair. “Besides, I thought we decided last night that me and you were friends, and that goes beyond me working here.”

He’s quiet for a moment, seeming to debate what I’ve just said to him. I think if he could, he’d tell me a lot more about himself...about his life, than he really has. I think Justin has always been a private person in general so he’s not used to talking to people about his issues that are outside his normal circle of friends. That, combined with the fact that he was put through a hellish ordeal, makes him close himself off. I get it, I do. It’s just disheartening....especially right now, when he acts like he can’t talk to me about this kind of thing.

Then again...I keep a lot from him too.

“My mom told Johnny I was going home....” He flinches at what he’s just told me, because he knows that he conveniently avoided telling me about his decision to go home from the beginning. I could be mad, but right now, I dont see a point.

“Your mom told me,” I say quietly. “It’s okay.”

“I should have told you though,” he nods. “It’s something we’ve discussed. There’s no reason why I should have kept it from you.”

I shrug. “It’s really not a big deal Justin. What is a big deal, is the fact that you’re sitting out here looking like you want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. I know people demand a lot of you and want you to be their go to guy for certain things. But your life has changed...considerably, you know? You’ve been through some shit and hey, maybe it sucks that you haven’t gotten over it yet. But they can’t expect you to just bounce back like a robot. And if they think you can, if they want to treat you like you’re not a human being...then I’m sorry, but fuck them.” I eye him quickly. He seems to be listening to my rant, which I guess is good. But then again...he might just be doing it so I’ll seem satisfied and leave him alone when I’m done.

“You have to do what you want to do, what makes you happy,” I continue. “And you don’t have to make other people happy Justin, because if you keep trying to pacify everybody else, you’ll lose yourself in the process and everything we’ve been doing....all the progress you’ve made, will be wasted.” I bite my lip, and when he doesn’t say anything, I let out a nervous laugh. “And now I feel like a motivational speaker. Do you think I should go on Montel?”

He stares at me for a few moments, and just as I think that I’ve made a complete ass out of myself...he starts to smile. Then he laughs, a completely genuine laugh. It’s filled with warmth and I’m reminded that Justin isn’t so cold. That...the genuinely happy person buried underneath all of his pain is still around in some form. I want to know him...embrace him...

I want to be his friend too.

“Where did you come from?,” he whispers with a smile.

“Neptune,” I laugh, not quite looking him in the eye. “Next question.”

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “He just....wanted me to go home a few days early to do a fucking show. And you know, I’m in no state of mind to do that sort of thing, so I told him that I couldn’t do it. He got pissed, and I just wasn’t in the mood to hear him tell me that my career was at stake and I wasn’t as important to the label as I thought. It hurt me you know? I’ve brought in so much money for those people over the years. I figured they’d understand what’s been going on and that I need time.” He rubs his hands together and lets out a long breath, before closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the chair.

It’s not fair. I feel like I should climb up on a soap box, megaphone in my hand and preach my thoughts about Justin’s situation to the world....but of course that’s not logical. I just...I can’t understand the entertainment business. If Justin were just a regular guy, nobody would care how often he stayed at home, trying to overcome what happened to him. But because he makes other people money...because their bank accounts depend on his output, they’ll give him hell for trying to take care of himself. I cross my arms and shake my head. “That pisses me off,” I finally say, the anger in my voice apparent. “I can’t say like...that I really listened to your music before. I was never really into music like that....” I wince a little bit. I don’t mean to bruise his ego or anything, but I’m really not into popular music. I like indie rock, jazz...things like that.
I never thought it would matter until now.

But he just snickers. “It’s cool, Mel.”

(continued next post)