“Me and some of the girls were going to go to the opening of that new nightclub tonight.” Elisha smiles and takes an enthusiastic sip of her cappuccino. “I thought you might want to come. You know, get out of the house and breathe a little.”
About a month after my accident, I got a call from a radio station in New York. They said it had been awhile, but they’d finally gotten to my internship request and wanted to give me a shot. I’d hung up on them because I didn’t know what to say. Did I want the opportunity? Hell yes. Could I take it? Of course not. For one, I was in Tennesse and Mary had been extra clingy those first couple of weeks. I wasn’t about to leave her. And I guess, I just had no motivation to do it either. I knew I was capable of doing the work, and of course I knew the material, but…I doubt I could have focused. With my leg slowing me down, I know I wouldn’t have been able to impress anybody either. So, it was better that I just pushed the whole thing to the back of mind my mind. I had more important things to do…to take care of. I made the decision to pack up and move out to Los Angeles on my own, and by doing so I put any chance of having a career on the backburner. It took me awhile, but eventually I stopped feeling sorry for myself and accepted it, moved past it. I figured that I was still alive, and lucky to be, so there was no reason to dwell on missed opportunities and things that could have been. It just wasn’t worth it.
The doctor who performed the surgery on my leg didn’t really have a lot of hope for me at first. Actually, in the beginning of my ordeal it was thought that I’d have to remain in a wheelchair for a few years before my leg would be able to function at all. The car accident had severed critical tendons in my lower calf, making it nearly impossible for me to stand upright for weeks afterwards. Thankfully, I had a really great physical therapy team who were able to correct a lot of my muscle dysfunction in half the time that my doctors predicted. I was in a wheelchair for three weeks, it was hard, and I have to admit that I was a bitch to everybody that tried to help me. When the time came, being able to use crutches was a blessing for everybody involved, Trace especially since he was the one doing a lot of my walking exercises with me. I’d never been so happy to be able to stand up like a person. It raised my spirits, let me think about other things besides my disability and how it had changed my life forever. I was able to focus on friends and family, something that I hadn’t thought possible in the beginning of the whole ordeal, and I think it was then that I realized what I really needed in my life.
It wasn’t Justin.
When my father asked me to come back to Millington, I didn’t hesitate. I knew being at home with my parents and Mary was what I needed the most in my life then. I wanted so badly for them all to love me again, to let me be a part of the family I used to love so much. Of course I didn’t want to leave Trace. I was worried about him more than he even realized. But, I needed my family. He understood of course, and he told me that he wanted me to go. He wanted me to find myself again and be happy. Then my father invited him to come back home with us. I was a little shocked, as my father never really got to know Trace and I figured he resented him as much as he resented Justin. I don’t know, I guess the fact that Trace had stuck by me since the car accident made my dad see him in a different light. Even so, Trace politely turned him down. I’m not really sure why. He said it was because he didn’t want to interfere with the time I was going to spend with my family, but I knew Trace better than that.
I think he wanted to be alone. I think I was making him even more depressed.
Okay, I know what he said to me that night in the hospital. He said he loved me, at least I think that’s what he said. I was pretty doped up, but I wasn’t completely out of it. I remember specific parts of our conversation; like how I told him that I knew he always loved me. I still cant believe I admitted that to him. Hell, I hadn’t even admitted that to myself up until that point. But I guess it was true. I guess Trace has always viewed me as more than a friend. He’s always wanted to protect me and be there for me when Justin couldn’t be. And I guess if Justin didn’t exist, if it had just been Trace and I from the beginning, I cant deny that I’d probably be able to feel the same way about him too. But that’s not the case. Justin always came first with me. He was my first love, my first everything, and we experienced a lot of things together. Things that…nobody should have to experience. Sometimes when I’m all alone I close my eyes and try to make myself believe that he didn’t do what he did either…
But then I remember that night, how much he hurt me, and I realize that I can’t think of Justin in a positive way ever again.
I didn’t tell anybody about what he did to me…
I don’t know why.
“Ker?”
I snap out of it and look up at her. She looks concerned, and I can’t say I blame her. Really, I need to be a better friend when it comes to Elisha. I mean, she doesn’t have to spend time with me. Her and Trace hardly speak anymore. They had a really bad breakup…the whole thing coming down to her meeting this guy named Darren and leaving Trace for him. I should probably hate her for that or something. Hell, I know that’s what Trace wants. I don’t know though, as much as it sucks, she didn’t do anything to me. Sure, she was a bitch to me in the beginning because she didn’t know me. But as time progressed and she started to understand what had gone on with me, we became closer. I don’t like to mention the fact that she’s one of my best friends around Trace, because I know it hurts him. I know he still misses her…hell, he might still even love her, but I don’t get into that whole thing. It’s not my place, and I just tend to keep my distance. The bottom line is, Elisha is a friend and I’m not about to give her the cold shoulder because Trace doesn’t like what happened between them. Hell, I need all the friends I can get right now, and I think Elisha knows that. I think its why she’s being strong, and hanging out with me at the apartment all the time, despite the fact that my roommate is her ex-fiancé. “Sorry.” I laugh nervously and clear my throat a little. “I don’t know Elisha. I don’t think I’m in the mood for a nightclub. My leg is kind of bothering me today.”
She shoots me a skeptical look, and I’m sure she knows I’m full of shit but she‘s too nice to say anything to me about it. Instead, she just sips her cappuccino and smiles up at me a moment later. “It’s okay, Ker. Just promise me you wont turn into some kind of weird hermit on me. You have to at least come out to dinner with us one night. Dinner won’t kill you, I promise.”
I nod a little, even though when the time comes I’m sure I’ll make up some lame excuse to stay inside. I don’t want to let her down right now. Not when she’s trying so hard to make sure I’m happy out here. “That sounds good.” I say, turning the page of the magazine I’ve been pretending to glance at. “Dinner is good.”
She lets out a heavy sigh, and I cringe because I know she’s about to change the subject to an uncomfortable one. Like Trace or…Justin or…what‘s on my mind. But then I hear the door open and shut again, and the sound of bags hitting the floor sends a wave or relief rushing through me. It means Trace is back from the store, and I know it wont take long for Elisha to make her infamous exit. Saved by the bell I guess…avoiding things I should be talking about…I know, but I’m just not in the mood to spill my guts to Elisha today.
“Hey they were out of--” Trace stops dead in his tracks when he sees who’s sitting on the couch with me. He seems out of breath, and I’m guessing he did a pretty heavy duty shopping job at the grocery store. It’s better this way I guess. There’s nothing in the fridge and Trace has been so busy he hasn’t had the chance to go grocery shopping until today. Sometimes I feel useless, because my leg prevents me from walking very far. I’m no help at all when I accompany him on a shopping trip, and making a shopping trip on my own is completely out of the question.
I hear Elisha let out a nervous laugh, and she slaps her hands against her thighs before rising from the sofa. “So I’ll call you later in the week, Ker?”
I cant stop staring at Trace, who looks like he wants to strangle somebody. “Um yeah,” I whisper. “That’s fine.”
“Bye.”
She exits without incident, and I don’t even hear the door close before Trace starts to pace the room. I cant help but be afraid that he’s angry with me for her being in the apartment. The last time she was here, Trace locked himself in his bedroom and he didn’t come out until the next day. I couldn’t talk to him about it. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what was wrong with him. I knew damn well. Fuck, maybe I’m selfish for wanting somebody to talk to besides Trace. Maybe I should tell Elisha that being friends with her is too weird for me and its destroying Trace. But then, I know that would be wrong. Elisha isn’t on bad terms with me, and I know taking Trace’s side is a really fucked up way to show Elisha how much her friendship means to me.
“You know Ker, I don’t mind you having friends come by here. But seriously--” He sighs and sits down beside me. “Do you really have to have her come here? I mean you know…”
“Don’t start,” I mutter, and look back to my magazine. “I told you, I know it’s weird, but I’m friends with her and I’m going to spend time with her. I’m sorry if that’s wrong, Trace. But you know, I need other people in my life besides you. And I cant just trust anybody, you know that.”
He’s quiet for a really long time after that, not moving from his spot on the sofa. I contemplate getting up and shutting myself inside my room so I can hide from him, but I know it wont solve anything. It might make him angry, and while he’s not as explosive as Justin when he’s angry, it still makes me extremely uncomfortable to hear him yell.
“Why’d you come back here?,” he finally asks me. “I mean, you’re always miserable Kerri. Nothing I do ever seems to cheer you up for long, and I do a hell of a lot for you. You don’t want for anything. I’m not asking you to get a job or help pay the fucking rent. But then you go and bring Elisha by here like it’s nothing. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
“I told you that we’re friends. You know, you could make some effort too Trace. You guys could still be friends if you would just forget about all the bullshit. I‘m sorry if you two have issues, but that‘s not my fault.”
He rises from the sofa and glares at me. “How about I just bring Justin by, huh? I mean yeah, he’s a fucking idiot, but I could try to be friends with him I guess. Why not? You two have problems that have nothing to do with me, after all.”
Now he’s just being stupid. I hate his fucking attitude, and really…I’m starting to ask myself the same question he just asked me. Why did I come back here? I mean, I thought it was going to be good. Trace and I would be good together. We’d be able to help each other because I was so positive that we cared for one another. But it hasn’t been like that at all since I got back. It’s always so damn awkward. We can’t just talk because he gets nervous or I get nervous. It’s like we’re both twelve years old and know we have a crush on one another but we’re too stubborn to accept the truth. With a disgusted grunt, I force myself to rise from the sofa and I try to simply walk away from the conversation before it can get worse. I’m almost successful too. I limp halfway across the living room before I feel a tug on my hand, signaling that Trace isn’t done being a fucking idiot yet.
“Kerri.”
“What?” I turn back to him in tears this time, but I don’t care. I cant believe he would just throw Justin in my face like that. We…we don’t talk about Justin. We just don’t, but because he’s pissed he thinks he can say whatever the fuck he wants. “You’re being ridiculous, and I have no patience for that right now.”
He doesn’t seem to know what to say. Yeah, he knows what he did was stupid, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. He’s too caught up in the mix of everything. He’s confused and scared still, even though he doesn’t like to admit it to anybody. “I shouldn’t have said…”
“No,” I interrupt. “You shouldn’t have.”
“I’m sorry.”
I look at the floor, but I don’t stop him when he takes my hands in his. “Okay.”
“Kerri, please. I’m really sorry.”
I know he’s sorry, and I know he’s not just saying that. But I’m tired of hearing it from him day in and day out. Maybe I should leave. Maybe it would be better for him, and for me. I don’t know. I don’t really know anything anymore. “I thought being here…with you, was going to make everything okay again. But, nothing is getting better,” I admit. “The situation just seems to get worse every day.”
Silence.
I look up at him, annoyed that he doesn’t have anything to say. “Trace…your input would be great right now.”
“I…” He pauses and shakes his head slowly. “I thought things were going to be easier too.”
I wrap my arms around him and lean into his body because I don’t know what else to do. It’s like if I stay in this same position for awhile, all of our problems and worries and fears will simply melt away. All we have to do is prove to ourselves that we care about each other and that we’re going to take care of each other. It’s far fetched as hell, and I know that. But right now I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to live by myself and try to make it on my own. I’m too scared…but it’s starting to seem better than living like this. “What happens now?,” I whisper, hoping like hell that he’ll transform back into the Trace I used to know for a few minutes. To that guy that always had the answers, the one that made me feel like I would always be loved and protected no matter what happened.
He pulls away from me and cups my face in his hand. “Do you trust me?”
I cant do anything but stare back at him. He looks so serious right now, so determined. Like he’s trying as hard as he can to prove something to me. “You know I trust you,” I whisper.
“Then just relax.” He strokes my hair quickly, before pulling away from me and tending to the bags of groceries by the door. I feel like I should say something else, but I really cant. There isn’t anything else to say. So, I do the only logical thing. I go over to the doorway and help Trace unload the groceries as if nothing happened.
It’s just another day in paradise, after all.
**************
Kerri always seems impressed whenever I cook dinner for us, so when I went to the supermarket yesterday I made sure to get some fresh ingredients together so I could make my famous baked ziti tonight. Is it a pitiful attempt at winning her affection? Maybe. But I sincerely doubt I’m going to win Kerri’s heart by cooking her dinner, even if it’s taking me hours and I have tomato glop smeared all over my apron. She thinks I’m sweet for doing it, but it doesn’t go beyond that. I’m sure the rest of our evening will be spent watching some reruns on the Tivo and laughing at how stupid I look in an apron and oven mitts. But I guess it’s better than fighting, and acting all weird around each other like we have been.
I cant help that I get mad whenever Elisha drops by to visit Kerri. I mean, me and Elisha…we had something going for awhile. Something good. Something that was supposed to last. And in my heart, I know we’d still be together if It wasn’t for the incident. Well the incident, and finding out what I did to provoke it. Elisha couldn’t handle my moods I guess. And I’ll admit, I grew really distant from her for awhile. But then again, I grew pretty distant from everybody I knew for awhile. I guess Elisha couldn’t tolerate that. She needed more attention from me during that period and I just couldn’t give it to her. The better part of me cant blame her for leaving after we got back together the second time. I wasn’t trying hard enough and all she wanted to do was make things work. And Elisha didn’t deserve that. She deserved to be treated right, loved by somebody that didn’t have other things going on in his life. But the selfish part of me doesn’t care about that. That part of me thinks she should have just put up with me and stuck around. I guess its why I cant stand the sight of the girl anymore. But I really shouldn’t take that out on Kerri. She deserves to have friends, even if I don’t like them.
I need to learn to just back the fuck off.
I’ve been really bored lately. I guess it’s because things have started to calm down. Kerri is doing okay, she doesn’t need me to stay at her side twenty four hours a day anymore. Justin’s not around anymore either. I don’t have to handle shit for him anymore. I don’t have to give him advice, fake a smile and tell him that everything is going to be okay. It’s funny, for awhile all I wanted to do was get away from him so I could have some time to myself. Now, well now I almost miss that. I almost miss the fucked up version of my former best friend. Lately there’s been some days when I’ve been tempted to give him a call, just so I wouldn’t feel so alone. Just so I could get some routine back into my life. But of course I didn’t call. I knew that coming in contact with Justin again would only bring more unwanted drama back into my life, and into Kerri’s as well. So I told myself I was being a selfish asshole and I dropped the issue before I could cause anymore damage.
Still, I need to start getting out more, start getting back in control of my life. I think it might brighten my spirit a little. Moping around the house has been making me feel stupid and useless for months now, and all this misery is getting tiring and old. It sucks being such a shut in. I’m always home, spending time with Kerri. Not that I’m trying to say that’s a bad thing, I love spending time with her. But I guess I’m human too, and I need to get out every now and again. I guess I do need to get some routine back in my life. That’s what my mother has been telling me in our recent phone conversations anyway. She says I should start looking for work, that it‘s unhealthy for me to dwell on what I can‘t change. And I want to listen to her, I really do. But it’s really hard for me to think of working for anybody else besides Justin. That probably sounds psychotic too, but hell…I’ve been psychotic for awhile now anyway.
I just don’t know if I could succeed as well, working for somebody else.
Of course, there is a positive side to my getting a life. I think it would inspire Kerri to start living again too, and that’s one of the main goals in my life right now. I want to pull her out of this miserable rut she’s been stuck in, so she can get some of her old personality back again. I know that’s a lot to hope for . She’s been through way too much, and I’ll be lucky if she starts smiling more than once a day for me never mind doing things on her own. I don’t want to push her, because I know if I push her too hard she could slip even further away from the rest of the world, and I know she’d never bounce back again. I guess what I’d really like right now for Kerri, is for her to get some professional help, because nobody else seems to have the power to help her. I’ve tried time and time again to get her to set up an appointment with Madison, or one of the other psychiatrists at Orange Valley, but she just wants nothing to do with it. I don’t get it either. I mean, after being put in the situation she was in, why wouldn’t she want to talk to somebody that has the right answers? I’ve wanted to ask her that same question too, but I’m afraid of what she might do. She hates when I pressure her about the kidnapping and stuff, and I don’t want to see her leave here because of something I said. At the same time though, I really don’t know how to help her. I can talk to her about it and hug her til I’m blue in the face and it’s not going to change reality. She was still kidnapped, she was still fucked with…I cant change that, and I can’t reverse the damage because I’m not trained to. She just seems so distant sometimes and I just can’t reach her. And I know I’ll never be able to.
And I’m stupid for being so fucking in love with her. See? I’m admitting it to myself right now and I shouldn’t be. I’m not supposed to have feelings for her. We both agreed that we were just friends.
Well I guess I lied.
Damn it.
“Well are you going to stare into space, or are we going to eat?” She giggles and comes up behind me, resting her hands on my shoulders and leaning her head into the crook of my neck. “Smells good.”
I crack a half smile, but shrug her off of me gently. “Thanks. It’s almost done, I was just about to check.”
“You were standing there staring for about fifteen minutes.” She laughs slightly and makes her way over to the refrigerator. “You can’t lie to me, Ayala.”
I stand there and stare at her like an idiot while she opens the refrigerator and bends down to grab something off of one of the shelves. All I can think is ‘wow she’s beautiful’, and then I want to kick myself because I know I’ll never be able to measure up to her standards. Kerri needs somebody that’s strong, and in control of his life. She needs somebody that’s not a nervous wreck all the time. Somebody…that’s about as far away from our lives and our situation as possible. That way, she wont feel pressured, nothing will be awkward, and she’ll be happy. Suddenly I realize that the first step to us getting our lives back on track, is getting Kerri to get out more. If she’s on a steady path, I’ll be able to rest easy and start moving on with my life. With Kerri out of the house, I wont have time to stare at her and wonder if she’s okay. I wont have time to think about how much I care about her, or about what I could do to make her want to be with me. I’ll be networking, starting some kind of career again. And hell, maybe eventually we’ll move apart, not see each other nearly as often. Maybe I’ll even be able to forget her…yeah…
What am I saying? Now I want to run away?
“Earth to Trace.”
I blink a few times, and realize I’d drifted into another trance. Kerri is standing in front of me now, glass of soda in her hand, looking more confused than I’ve seen her in awhile. She looks like she’s about to ask me if I’m on crack, and I wouldn’t blame her. “Sorry.” I half smile and turn around to open up the oven.
“You’re acting weird.”
I slip the oven mitts on and lift the ziti out of the oven with a grunt. “Weird?” I laugh nervously as I place the hot casserole on the counter. “You gotta be more specific Ker. I’m always weird.”
She rolls her eyes and limps over to the small table by the window, taking a seat in one of the chairs. “You have to stop staring at me,” she whispers. “It’s freaking me out.”
I feel my heart stop, and then start again. I have no idea why I’m shocked that she knows that I stare at her from time to time. My eyes practically bore holes in her backside on a daily basis. She’s right. It is freaky, and psycho and I need to learn to just stop. This is why they make porn, so I can jack off in the shower to visions of nameless large breasted women instead of Kerri Donovan. Man, I’m the most pathetic asshole in the entire world. “All right.”
An awkward silence passes as I load up our plates with ziti and garlic bread. I sit down in the seat adjacent to her, and we start to dig into our meals just as silently. I love to watch her eat too. It’s cute. She always cuts her pasta and takes such cautious little bites, like she’s going to choke or something. I think it’s why I like to make us pasta so much, because of how cute she looks when she eats it…
Oh man.
I hear her silverware clatter against her plate a few minutes later, and it makes me jump a little in my seat. I stare at her, and she’s staring right back at me. Her blue eyes are dark, a little sad…but more fearful than anything else. She’s afraid right now, hell…terrified. Of what I don’t know, but I’m almost positive it has something to do with me. “Ker?”
“Are you in love with me?” She says the words quickly, and doesn’t break her fearful gaze from my own.
I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do right now. I told her that we could just be friends. That when I told her I loved her I was just upset, that we couldn’t’ be in love because there was too much going on and that we were better off as friends anyway. Either way I’ve lied, so I know it doesn’t make much sense to deny the obvious to her anymore. But I…I just don’t want to admit it to her I guess. I don’t want to hurt her, or drive her away. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I want her to stick around so badly that I’ll lie about this just to keep her here with me. I mean, having her here as a friend is better than not having her at all.
“Answer me.” A few tears make their way down her face, and she slaps her hand on the table harshly to get my complete attention. “I need to know, Trace. I can’t just sit around, knowing that you’re staring at me and stuff and just believe that you don’t have feelings for me. It’s too weird and too awkward and I just…I just can’t deal with it!”
She starts sobbing a little louder, and I just about lose my composure, but I force myself not to. “Wait, Ker…” I sigh and swing my chair around so I can sit next to her. “Please don’t cry okay? Please? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to confuse you.” I put an arm around her and pull her into me a little. “You’re just…you know, you’re just everything to me right now.”
“Stop it,” she sobs, and jerks away from me, before leaning her head against the wall. “Do you think I’m in the right state of mind to be with you? To care about you? I can’t do it, Trace! How can you expect me to just be able to do it?”
I look down at the table and rub my hands together. What do I say now? I know I want to tell her that I can’t help how I feel. That I fell in love with her awhile ago and I’m just coming out with my feelings now. But I know that’s not what she wants to hear. She wants me to just make it all go away. To just tell her I don’t care about her like that, and god…if I could do it without looking like a complete liar I would.
But I just can’t.
“I don’t expect you to,” I finally say. “I just can’t help how I feel about you, Kerri.”
She gets up from the table then, silently picking up her plate of food and dumping it into the sink before retreating into the living room. I listen for her door to slam, signifying that she’s had it with me for the night. But then I hear the TV blaring and I realize that she’s not going to hide from me tonight, despite our awkward conversation. I guess she’s just hoping that I’ll drop the subject…leave her alone, and find something else to occupy myself with.
I wash the dishes for what seems like hours, and I really have no idea why. That’s what the dishwasher is for, but I know the longer I keep myself trapped in the kitchen, the less time I’ll have to sit on the couch next to Kerri in awkward silence. But I’m being stupid. I can’t just avoid what we talked about forever. Tomorrow is another day, and I know our problems are just going to come rushing back the moment we sit down and have some breakfast. I should go in there and set things straight right now. But…how the hell do I do that? I just told the girl I have feelings for her, I cant just pretend that I don’t. I can’t lie to her. She doesn’t deserve it.
But then what do I do?
Story Tags: justinandtrace
