Gray walls are nice. I mean, I prefer white over grey, but I guess grey is better than black. At least it’s more of a creamy dove grey, and not a gritty stone grey color. Maybe I shouldn’t focus on the wall color so much though. I do it all the time in group, and If I paid more attention to what the other girls were talking about, I might be able to communicate better.
But I’m not communicating.
I miss Trace like I haven’t seen him in years, even though I see him every morning, and every night when he brings me to and from work. I guess its because lately, he’s been rushing, we’ve barely been talking. I guess he’s busy. I don’t ask questions. I mean, the whole reason that I came to live at the group home in the first place was because he needed space.
So I’ll give him space
I’ve gone back to sleepless nights again, I’m not used to that place. Sometimes I call Trace. Surprisingly enough he hasn’t bitched me out for calling him at three in the morning. Well...there was that one night... He didn’t yell at me, but I could tell that he was out of breath....or something. He asked if I needed anything. I guess I was so confused that telling him I was fine was the easiest way out. Then he told me he couldn’t really talk....that he was busy...
I’ve been trying not to think about it.
It’s been hard making anything close to a friend. The girls that currently live at the home are a close knit bunch that have been in therapy together for over a year now. I learned quickly that there wasn’t really room for an outsider. I tried to make small talk with a couple of them for the first day or so. I tried the basics like, ‘Hi, my name is Kerri’. All of them had forced a smile before nodding and walking away. The exception to this was Elisha’s friend, Cassidy, who’d sort of nudged me and told me it usually took a week or so for the girls to warm up to somebody new. But I just don’t have time to tip toe around people. Of course I didn’t tell her that, I didn’t want to seem like a bitch so early into this whole thing. But it’s true. There is no time. I have too much going on in my head, and at work, to worry about what a few whack jobs think about me.
Again, like I said, I’m not communicating.
It’s pissing Susan off. She hasn’t said anything to me about it yet, but I can just sense her opinion every time I pass her in the hallway, and during group I can feel her eyes boring into me from across the room. Yeah, I know what we talked about. I know I said I wanted to change. But I didn’t...I guess I just didn’t think it would be this hard in the beginning. I can’t help but think about how much I’ve been through, how much I’ve had to endure for so long, and yet I’m still being forced to struggle through more shit. I can’t just have an easy day. It’s either feeling awkward at the home, in the car with Trace, or at work. Nothing’s working, and I dont know how to even begin to change anything.
And yet, despite all of this shit, there’s still more.
I’m going home in a month. Not by choice of course. Apparently there’s some wedding that Lynn and her family are throwing together for one of Justin’s cousins, and my parents being the good Christian folk that they are, agreed to attend. This would have been fine. I would have just bought a gift card or something and sent it along, But of course my father, never relenting on his quest to make me as normal as he possibly can, assured Lynn and her family that I would make an appearance. I have no fucking idea why the woman would even want me around in the first place after what happened the last time we saw each other.
But I guess that’s southern hospitality at it’s finest.
I’m fucking terrified. Trace hasn’t mentioned it yet, but I’m sure he knows about it, and he probably knows that my family is invited too. I’m praying Justin won’t be attending. But if I know Lynn, I’m sure half the reason the wedding is taking place in Shelby Forest is to get Justin back home for a few days. It makes me cringe a little, but then again, I probably shouldn’t care what Lynn does, or what she makes her son do. All of that...all of the time and effort I put into Justin and his family is a thing of the past. I’ve actually been trying to come up with a really great excuse to miss the wedding. But I know my dad, and he wouldn’t believe any excuse of mine. Hell, I’d have to be bloody from head to toe in his presence to even begin to change his mind.
I’m good at hiding though.
I’ll just hide the whole time.
I’m sure nobody will even notice I’m gone.
“Kerri, would you answer the phone!”
“Shit.” I jump a little and grab the phone. “Kiss FM.” I take a long breath and listen to the hyper voice on the other end of the line. There I go, spacing out at work again. Always a plus, and I especially love the dirty look that Tarin is shooting me from across the room. It’s a great way to start my day. I rub my forehead a little as I listen to the hyper girl’s request to be in the studio for Usher’s interview next week. I have to roll my eyes at this kind of shit. It’s not even my department, I’m just the intern. What I’m really supposed to do is forward the call to Tarin. But since she’s the all important queen of the radio station, I’m expected to give these people a scripted response and hope they don’t call back. It sucks, but I guess it’s part of the job too.
It’s better than being in the office next door with the other bitchy interns, and I know that. I know how good I have it, and that I didn’t even have to ask...Trace just made sure it happened. I mean, Tarin doesn’t like me...at all, and fuck I can’t stand her either. But we both care about Trace so I guess that’s why I’m her little assistant when I really should be in the basement filing paperwork or something.
“Wrap it up,” Tarin whispers with a roll of her eyes and motions me to get a move on. “We have to go to the venue.”
“Mmhmm,” I mumble into the phone, pretending not to hear what Tarin just said. “Okay well, I wrote down your email and we’ll send you a confirmation as soon as we know what’s going on. Yep...bye.” I slam the phone down. “Done.” I grunt at her, not being able to stop myself from giving her the once over while she rolls her eyes at me again.
Tarin is a really pretty girl. I’ve been noticing it more and more ever since I moved out of Trace’s house. No hair on her head is ever out of place, and she has one of those picture perfect smiles that you see on colgate commercials. Her skin tone is tan and even, and she has the kind of eyes that get more beautiful when she’s angry. I know she’s been seeing Trace...a lot. I hear her talking to him on the phone a couple of times a day. She laughs a lot when she talks to him, calls him retarded, and then sometimes she’ll whisper things to him that I can’t hear and laugh some more. It takes a lot for me to pretend I’m not listening, when I couldn’t be more interested in their conversation.
Trace never asks to talk to me after he’s done talking to her.
I guess things have really changed between us.
“Honestly, I dont even know why you bother to listen to those kid’s sob stories,” Tarin snickers and grabs her purse off of her desk. “I’m really picky about who gets into the studio, and they know that.”
I tap my pen on the desk and focus hard on the email address I wrote down. Tarin can be really cold some days. Two days ago we had Mariah Carey here, and she didn’t let anybody into the listening room. There was one guy out there who’d been waiting for two days to get in, and she just laughed at him. I’d felt really bad. If I could have...if I knew that I wouldn’t get fired, I would have just given him a pass myself. I just don’t understand why she has to act like she’s so much better than other people sometimes, and it makes me wonder how well Trace really knows her. I’d ask him...tell him about some of the shitty things I’ve seen her do to people, but I know he’d just accuse me of being jealous or some bullshit like that.
He’ll have to learn the hard way I guess.
“I dont know why you have to be like that,” I say boldly, getting up from my desk and sliding the chair in before meeting her by the open doorway. “I mean, these people listen to the station...they’re the reason you have a job.”
“They’re also annoying and whiney, and unappreciative,” she snaps at me, coldly. “You do something for them one time, they always expect you to do them a favor, and I just don’t have time to go around giving a thousand people hook ups. It’s a business, Kerri. It’s time that you learned that.”
She walks out the door after that, expecting me to follow behind her like the lackey she thinks I am. I’m so fucking sick of her attitude. It’s all I can think about when I’m here, and it distracts me so much that I can’t focus on group when I get back home, and it’s not like I can talk to Trace about any of this either. It’s like I’m really alone. Like everybody I’ve ever cared about or loved is completely out of my life. It’s fucking scary, and I know I can’t handle it...so I’m sinking further...fucking drowning in all of this shit.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
We take the elevator down to the parking lot, and get into Tarin’s car. She makes sure to stick her ear piece in and dial a number before driving away. Halfway through her conversation I realize that she’s speaking with David and I have to roll my eyes. While he’s never done anything horrible to me, beside stare at my chest while we’ve been talking, I just have a bad feeling about him. There’s just something that I don’t like about that guy, but I cant’ put my finger on it. I know I’m not overreacting though. Ever since the incident, I’ve been a really good judge of character. I can see right through his cheesy ass smiles and forced pleasantries. I tend to avoid him if I can. When he comes into the studio to talk to Tarin, I make it a point to go on a coffee run or find something to fax. I could just be paranoid, or afraid of strange men in general...but I don’t know...
Something tells me I need to keep myself distanced from him.
“No, I’ll be fine.” She steals a slight glance at me. “I have Kerri with me, we’ll get it done by tonight.”
I look away from her and groan softly. I know what that means. It means I’m in store for another extended day. We have a major event coming up on Saturday so I shouldn’t really be surprised but fuck, I’m tired. We’ve been pulling these shifts for three days straight now, and by the time I get back to the house the most I can do is pass the hell out. I probably shouldn’t be complaining. After all, Tarin is organizing this entire event, and the fact that I’m her right hand girl makes me look really good as far as interns go. It could get me noticed...get me involved in bigger things at KISS. Hell, it could start me on the road to a real position, and that’s what I’m working toward. Despite the fact that I have mixed feelings about Tarin, I know I have to grin and bear it for now so I can get ahead. I mean, she could have had Amanda do what I’m doing...but I know she’s helping me out for Trace’s sake. While I sort of feel out of place, that I know didn’t earn this position, I won’t allow myself to feel bad about it.
Amanda is a fucking bitch anyway.
“They’re sound checking today,” Tarin tells me a few minutes later, obviously through with her phone call. “So David wants to make sure everything is set up the right way, and all the artists are taken care of. That means we have to hang the banners, check the backstage area, and fulfill the food and drink requests. It’s going to be a long day.”
I sink lower into my seat, feeling exhausted already. “I figured.”
“I can just take you home when we’re through, because I dont know what time we’re going to be getting out. That way Trace won’t have to wait around,” she suggests.
That would be great and all. Actually, it would be the first really nice thing Tarin has ever gone out of her way to do for me since we met. But I don’t know if I feel comfortable with her driving me back to the group home. Trace didn’t tell me whether or not he explained where I was living with Tarin, but I’m assuming she knows something is up. When she sees Trace, I’m sure they go back to his place and I’m sure she’s realized that I’ve been absent. “Well....thanks but...”
“Look, I know we haven’t gotten off to the greatest start,” she says, before I can completely turn her down. “But you know, you’re close with Trace and he and I are seeing each other. I’ve been thinking, and it’s stupid for us to have all this tension between us, Kerri. We should learn how to get along, at least for Trace’s sake so he won’t have to worry about it so much.”
I’m dumbfounded. She’s actually thinking of somebody other than herself? But wait...I mean, maybe I don’t have the right mindset when it comes to this girl. I haven’t made any sort of effort to get to know her, simply because of the fact that she has a thing for Trace. Maybe I need to look a little bit deeper into the situation. Maybe I can now that I’m starting my life over again. “I didn’t think you cared,” I say quietly. “I...I know I lied to you, Tarin. You shouldn’t care.” I fold my arms across my chest and look down at my lap. “I know if it were me, I’d be making you walk to the venue.”
She laughs a little. “I should have.”
I smile slightly. “Yeah, maybe.”
“I know you have issues.” Her tone turns serious again. “I dont hold anything against you, because I know you’re trying to change. And now that you’re not living with Trace, I think things are starting to get a lot easier, you know, for everyone involved.”
She’s unbelievable. Maybe things are easier for her now because I’ve been cast away and can’t interfere with her sexual advances towards Trace, and maybe things are easier for Trace now that he doesn’t have to wake up everyday and see his wreck of a best friend traipsing around his apartment. But fuck, things certainly aren’t easier for me. If anything, they’ve only gotten harder. And Tarin doesn’t know the first thing about my issues. She’s just kissing my ass, because Trace probably asked her to. “Did Trace put you up to this?”
“What?,” she scoffs.
“Come on,” I groan, with a roll of my eyes. “I know him. This is the kind of crap he does. He’s concerned about me, so he asked you to try and be my friend. Really Tarin, you don’t have to. I can manage.”
“Actually, Trace hasn’t really mentioned you,” she says, bluntly. “Not since you moved out.”
I die a little inside. That’s a lie, I know it is. I lied to her so now she’s seeking revenge. I don’t blame her of course, but she really needs to brush up on this sort of thing. I wonder how much she knows, if Trace told her exactly where I moved to or if he just said I got a place of my own. Knowing that he respects my privacy, I’m sure he just told her the basics. That I moved out for now...and that it’s easier for the both of us. At least, I’m praying thats what he told Tarin. “I don’t believe that,” I say, laughing a little. “And it’s not like I don’t see him or anything. He brought me to work this morning, why wouldn’t he mention me?”
“You know, you really need to wake up and realize that Trace’s world doesn’t revolve around you.” She pulls into the venue parking lot, parks and repositions herself in her seat so she can face me a little bit better. “I mean, he’s moving ahead with his life now. He’s going to get another job, a good one. He’s going to go out with me and his friends on the weekends and have a great fucking time. And I know he’s missed doing stuff like that, Kerri. He’s told me. And he’s just...starting to be happy again. He hasn’t really had a reason to talk about you for hours on end. I mean, sorry to bruise your ego or whatever, but I just think you need to know where Trace’s mindset is right now. I want us to be friends too, don’t get me wrong...but you need to adjust your attitude first and stop thinking that everyone needs to focus on you and only you.”
It’s like I’ve been replaced, just like that. I know, I shouldn’t listen to anything she has to say. It’s too early to tell if I can really trust her, or if she’s just another bitch set out to make my life miserable. But I just don’t know what to think right now. She’s acting like I moved out and now Traces life has completely changed. Fuck, it’s only been a few days. How can she just feed me all this crap? I should just call Trace right now and tell him all of this too. But what will that solve? Nothing. It will just piss Tarin off and stress Trace out. And I don’t feel like dealing with it. “Thanks,” I grunt at her and take my seatbelt off. “I’m glad you think you know him so well, after only spending a week or two with him. Next time I need to know something about my best friend, I’ll make sure to ask you first.” I open the door, disgusted with this day already. I hope something happens. Like our banners are all ripped or something so I can just go back to the home.
“Why did you tell me that you were dating Trace if you weren’t, Kerri?”
I look back over my shoulder, and I know I don’t have a good answer. I’m certainly not going to get into the truth with her either. “I don’t know.”
She rolls her eyes. “And I bet it pisses you off that I’m seeing him.”
I shrug. “You don’t know anything about me, Tarin, and I’m not about to tell you anymore than you know already. So can we just get to work? The longer we stand around and do this, the later we’re going to be here tonight.”
“Fine.” She says it harshly and gets out of the car. I follow shortly thereafter, and walk around to the back of the car where she’s pulling a bunch of stuff out of her trunk. “Well don’t just stand there,” she grunts. “Grab some of this stuff.”
I glare at her, but I do what she’s asked without a comment. It’s mostly bags and boxes full of posters and banners, and a few of the boxes are pretty heavy. Of course, Tarin makes me carry those while she carries the lighter loads. I know she’s doing it on purpose, because she knows my leg is bad, and I feel like screaming at her and telling her how much of a bitch she is. Of course I don’t though. Instead, I lag behind while she makes a bee line for the entrance of the venue. I nearly drop a box off the top of the stack as I reach the doorway, but thankfully whoever was holding the door for Tarin, steadies the box before it can do any serious damage. “Thanks!” I yell back as I pass through the doorway.
“Need me to take one of those?”
Seeing as how it’s pretty dark in here now, and I can barely see over the top of the stacked boxes in my arms, I should probably accept the offer. But I don’t want Tarin to see me, because I don’t want her to think I can’t do shit by myself. Oh hell...the day is shot anyway. “Sure, thanks.”
The top box is quickly removed and I’m so thankful that I can see straight in front of me again. “Thank you....” I begin to smile, but stop immediately when I see who it is that’s decided to help me.
“Kerri?”
He stares at me in amazement, like this is some kind of incredible phenomenon. And hell, in a way it is. What are the chances of me running into Cooper here? It’s weird, and uncomfortable. A big part of me is ready to take back that box and race for the stage, but I know I can’t. For one, that box is really heavy, and well...I don’t want to be rude to him no matter how uncomfortable I feel at the moment. “Oh...hey Cooper,” I laugh nervously and adjust the box in my arms. “What...um...what are you doing here?”
“I should be asking you that,” he laughs. “My dad is catering the event, hence the white uniform.”
I didn’t even notice, but then again I couldn’t really see him that well at first. He’s dressed in one of those white cooks uniforms, complete with the black and white checkered pants. All he’s missing is a chefs hat, and I nearly crack up at the thought of it, but stop myself. “Oh, I get it now.” I raise an eyebrow and smile a little bit. “What happened? Borders wasn’t exciting enough for you?”
He lets out a hearty laugh. “Oh it’s still exciting, but that’s my weekday job. I just took today off to help him set up and stuff. My dad has sort of mandated me to the world of catering on the weekends. It’s pretty much safe to say that I have no life. But you know...those bestsellers...they keep my party going.”
Why am I laughing like an asshole?
“KERRI!”
Shit.
“Is that your boss?” Cooper flinches a little. “Sorry.”
My smile hasn’t faded, I don’t think I could make it go away if I tried. I hate myself right now, but at least I’m not laughing like an idiot anymore. I don’t know what it is. A few minutes ago I was ready to kill Tarin but right now...I couldn’t care less about her opinions. Seeing Cooper, although I could slap myself for admitting this, has lit me up inside. I’d nearly forgotten our encounter at Borders, with everything else that’s been going on lately. I think he’s just what I needed today. He’s...he’s a nice change of pace. “It’s okay,” I reassure him. “She’s kind of high strung.”
“Do you have to go?,” he asks, the concern in his voice obvious. “Because I can just catch up with you later on.”
I look back over my shoulder, and I can make out Tarin’s figure standing by the stage, unrolling a big banner to hang and talking to one of the crew at the same time. Yeah she probably needs me, but she’s also managed to severely piss me off and it’s only the beginning of the day. She can wait. “I have a few minutes.”
He smiles. “Me too.”
We both drop the boxes in our arms, and quietly make our way back outside again. He lights up a cigarette, something I never thought I’d see him do and I stare at him for a couple of minutes before he laughs at me.
“I”m a light smoker,” he explains, as he takes another drag. “My dad hates it, but I try to be discreet. It takes some of the tension off, you know...when life starts to make you go crazy.”
I lean back against the brick building and chuckle a little. “I know the feeling, but I guess cigarettes never appealed to me.”
“Right, just alcohol,” he laughs. “I hope you didn’t let yourself get that drunk after that night. I was worried because I didn’t know what strange guy would try to help you the next time, and you know...that could lead to a bad scenario.”
I don’t like where the conversation has started to go. The mention of alcohol...of that night, reminds me of too many things that just don’t make sense anymore. Cooper doesn’t mean anything by it, I know that. He doesn’t know everything that’s happened since then, and really, it’s not his place to know. “I’ve been a little better,” I lie. “I don’t really party anymore, if that makes you feel better.”
“Actually it does,” he says, smiling appreciatively at me. “You shouldn’t be putting yourself at risk like that.”
I look down at the sidewalk. “Yeah.”
It’s quiet for awhile, and I’m sure that Cooper feels just as awkward as I do about running into each other like this. I still don’t know why he’s living out here instead of New York either, and I want to ask him, but I don’t know if I should. I know how much I hate when people I dont know that well pry into my personal life, and I’m sure Cooper feels the same way.
“You’re probably still wondering why I’m here,” he speaks up after awhile.
Damn. What is this kid? A mind reader? “Well,” I say, finally looking up at him again. “It crossed my mind once or twice. Weren’t you pre med at NYU?”
“Close.” He throws the cigarette butt on the ground and squashes it with his foot. “Law student.”
He seems so genuine. Like he couldn’t tell a lie if he tried. But of course I know that’s not true. I used to think the same way about Justin too, and well...we all know how that turned out. No, I’m sure Cooper has his flaws. Who doesn’t? But I guess his are a lot less intense than the people I know. It’s good for him, but bad for me because I’m so psycho it would damage any relationship I could form with this kid. “So what happened?,” I ask him. “You knew I was going to ask.”
He rubs his eyes a little bit. “Eh, my mom ran off with this guy,” he says, rather quickly. “She sort of left my dad on his own to raise my little sisters, and he can’t do it on his own. He didnt want me to come back here, he wanted me to stay in New York and finish school, you know...but I couldn’t do that to him. He’s given me a lot, and I felt like I owed it to him to come back here and help out for a little while. I mean, I’m still taking night courses at UCLA, it’s just going to take longer to get all my credits this way. Once I do that though, and get my internship, things will start to level off I think. No more Borders, just evil weekend catering.”
He laughs it all off, even though I can tell how hurt he is by what’s happened to his family. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that he’s had to put his dreams on hold because his mother made a selfish decision. If I could, I’d find her and let her know what she’s done to her son’s future. Life is just so fucking unfair. It’s wrong. I feel like kicking something.
“It’s not so bad.” He nudges me a little bit, probably being able to sense my mood. “She’s been on her way out for years, you know? I guess I just figured she’d want to stick around and make sure the girls graduated high school first.” He shrugs. “I guess she just had to do what was best for herself in the end.”
“You’re a great person for helping your dad,” I say. “I hope he realizes how much you’re sacrificing.”
“He does,” he chuckles. “He said he’s going to buy me a new car before the summer is up.”
“Oh so the Jaguar isn’t good enough for you anymore?,” I smile.
“Oh that was a lease,” he points out. “My dad paid it, but I had to give it back once it was up. He didn’t like the buying price. Nice car though. Siobhan and Scott were always making me lend it out to them.”
The mention of Siobhan sends pangs of guilt surging through me. I feel a little sick, because Cooper was there that night and he saw what happened. He knows what Justin is really like, and he knows that Trace can be really ignorant sometimes. I still feel horrible about how they treated Cooper, when it wasn’t really his fault. He’d only come to say hi to me and see how I was doing. I just...i wish Justin could have been a little more sane then, and I I really wish Trace hadn’t been an asshole. “How are they?,” I try to make the question sound nonchalant, but I fail miserably. There’s too much desperation in my voice, and I know Cooper can sense it.
He draws in a long breath, and meets my gaze. “Engaged.”
“Oh.” While I’m disappointed that Siobhan didn’t call to tell me, I shouldn’t really have expected her to either. We’re not really on speaking terms anymore. Hell, we’re not even friends anymore. “Wow.”
“Yeah, the wedding is in November. You should try and go, it’s bound to be a good time.”
“Oh no,” I shake my head and force a smile. “I couldn’t do that.”
“Come on, she doesn't hate you. It’s just...all that stuff happened at the party and then you guys didn’t talk after that. I know she got freaked out when you had that car accident, but she didn't know if showing up at the hospital was the right thing to do,” he explains. “You know how stubborn she can be too. I know she’d want you at her wedding. It’s a big thing for her.”
I smile a little, for good measure, but I know the idea of me going to Siobhan’s wedding is out of the question...at least for the moment. I have so much going on right now, not to mention the fact that I’m being forced to go back to Tennessee for that fucking wedding. Trying to fix my friendship with Siobhan right now would be too much to take on, and I know that. It’s really shitty too, but I can’t deny it. I’ve accepted the fact that I lost a good friend because of stupid things I let happen, and there’s no sense in shedding any more tears about the subject. “I’ll think about it.”
“I’ll give her a call and tell her I ran into you,” he says brightly. “Don’t worry about it.”
He tries to give my shoulder a reassuring rub, but I’m not in the mood to be touched and I quickly pull away. “You shouldn’t bother,” I say quickly. “I have a lot on my plate right now and I can’t deal with trying to salvage another friendship.”
He frowns for the first time. “But you should try to salvage it. She’s been there for you, you know? And you lived together all throughout college. Do you honestly think it’s right to let the situation go unresolved?”
He sounds like everybody else does when they talk to me. Like he thinks he knows it all, like I don’t have it so bad. It’s pissing me off. If he even knew the basic details of the kidnapping...of my fucked up relationship with Justin, he wouldn’t be so quick to judge. “I should go,” I mutter, and begin to turn away from him. “It was good to see you though. Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope everything works out for you, Cooper.”
He’s silent as I walk away, but part of me is thankful. Maybe now he’ll forget about me, and that’s a good thing. It will keep my mind off of how nice he is, and how stupid I am to let an opportunity to be his friend slip through my fingers.
“How about dinner?”
I stop walking. No, no I can’t. Say no, Kerri. “I’m pretty booked this week,” I call back over my shoulder. “But I have your number.”
He steps towards me now, looking like he’s fighting some difficult battle with himself. In all honesty it’s scaring the hell out of me. I mean okay, I know he likes me. But I just can’t help him in that department. I hardly know him, I don’t trust him...
More importantly though, I don’t trust myself.
“Come on, it’s just dinner,” he says quietly, when he reaches the spot I’m standing. “Just consider it an opportunity to catch up on what you’ve missed in New York.”
“I don’t really care what I’ve missed,” I shrug. “Too much has happened.”
“Then....” he trails off, and smiles a little. Then he puts a hand to my cheek and caresses it gently. “Just consider it an opportunity for us to talk.”
I sigh. I feel terrible. Any other girl would probably melt right now, because I can’t deny the fact that Cooper is well....kind of hot. He’s one of those sexy intellectual guys that you’d pass on the street and ask to bang you up against the bookcase in the campus library. He’s witty, doesn’t hesitate to bring fun into what could seem like a boring conversation to anybody else. Oh yeah, and he has a great smile too. I don’t want to push his hand away...but I know the consequences of all this. I could go on this date, really start to like him...and then something will come up, and I’ll end up hurting him. I just can’t to that to anybody else. “I’d love to...”
“Great, how about tomorrow night?,” he says, before I can finish.
“I’d love to but...I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” I push his hand away gently, and look into his soft blue eyes. They seem so hopeful right now, and I know in a moment they’re going to turn sad and empty. It’s my fault...like always, but I dont know what else I’m supposed to tell him. “There’s a lot I’m dealing with right now, Cooper. Stuff that I don’t have any right to burden you with.”
“Who said you’d be burdening me, Kerri? In case you forgot, I’m dealing with a lot of stuff too, and I don’t have anybody to talk to about it. I don’t have any other friends out here right now, everybody I grew up with is away at school. It’s been fucking depressing as hell, and then...then you show up out of the blue. I thought it was perfect.” He lets out a sad laugh. “Now I find out you don’t even want anything to do with me. But you know, I guess you have your reasons. So, I’ll see you around.”
He walks past me, defeated, and I feel like complete shit. Part of me wants to tell him I’ve changed my mind just so he won’t be upset. But I know that’s not the right thing to do. I can’t force myself to go out to dinner with him when I feel this uncomfortable about it. But he’s just so nice, and I don’t know why...but he really seems to give a damn about what’s happened to me and how I feel. I think that might be one of the biggest reasons I’m afraid to get closer to him. With the exception of Trace, nobody else has seemed to want to help me out in a really long time. Especially a perfect stranger. It just sucks. I’m just a horrible person that can’t be thankful for a good opportunity when it comes her way. I lean back against the wall again, and have to suck in a few long breaths to keep myself from crying. Then my cellphone starts to ring. I perk up a little, but frown again because I know I didn’t give Cooper this number. I answer reluctantly, and flinch when I hear Tarin’s voice come over the line, freaking out because she doesn’t know where I am.
“I just stepped outside,” I explain.
“You stepped outside!,” she barks. “Do you have any idea how much work needs to be done, Kerri?”
“God, I’m coming in right now. Just chill out.” I hang up on her and shake my head. Now more than ever, I’d like to call Trace and give him a peace of my mind about his so called girlfriends attitude. But there’s just no time. I need to get this work done, I need to make sure I get to group tonight, or else I have a feeling Susan is going to be having a closed door conversation with me. But really, she’d be having that conversation with me anyway because I know I’m in no mood to share my feelings with anybody today.
With a sigh, I go back inside the venue and meet a disgruntled Tarin at the stage. She gives me a box of KISS FM posters and basically tells me to get out of her sight. I try to be strong, and I manage to get away from her without revealing how shitty I feel. I start on the right hand side of the orchestra, and basically wallpaper the area with the posters. The work is thoughtless, and that’s very bad because its allowing me to dwell on so many things I’ve been trying to forget about. I feel the tears gliding down my face shortly after, but I know its dark in here and nobody will notice. Thank god for small miracles.
“Hey you.”
I don’t know how long it’s been. I just know that I’m nearly finished wallpapering the other side of the orchestra wall. My tears have subsided slightly, but I’m still finding myself breaking down every so often. In any case the voice makes me jump, even though it shouldn’t. I’d know Trace’s voice anywhere. I guess my mind was just in another place. I quickly turn around, and come face to face with my best friend. He has a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bag of food in the other. Immediately, a feeling of disgust comes over me, and it takes all of my willpower not to walk away from him. “Hey.”
“I got you guys some lunch,” he smiles and puts the flowers down on a seat behind him. “Tarin said y’all were gonna be late tonight so I figured she’d probably be a slave driver and not let you get a break until the work was done.” He laughs a little and pulls a styrofoam container out of the bag. “I went to Nook, hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, whatever is fine.” I take the container from him and put it down on the floor. “Thanks.” I turn back around and continue to hang the poster I was working on, hoping that he’ll just leave me alone...go give his damn flowers to his bitchy ass girlfriend.
“Everything’s okay with you right?”
“Yeah.” I say it quickly, and I don’t look back at him.
“I’m...I’m sorry we haven’t really been talking,” he says softly. “I’ve just been busy and stuff....you know, trying to get things straightened out.”
I really don’t care what he’s been doing or trying to get straightened out. The point is, he’s completely forgetting about me and about everything we’ve been through together, and it’s pissing me off. “It’s fine.” I throw the masking tape into the box of posters, along with the boxed lunch and lift it into my arms. “But I have to finish this, or your girl is going to wreak havoc on my ass.” I start to walk away from him, but stop when I feel him place a hand on my shoulder. I’m actually surprised he’s giving me the time of day, considering the fact that Tarin told me he’s too busy to deal with me right now. “What, Trace?”
He comes around to the front of me so I can’t get away this time, and leans in towards me, an angry expression on his face. “What the fuck is your problem,” he says, in a low voice.
“I don’t have a problem,” I snap. “You two are the ones with the problem.”
“Well what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
I brush past him without another word, hoping that he won’t follow me. Of course he does though, and I’m just ready to punch him in the face right now.
“I’m sick of this shit,” he barks at me, loud enough for the whole venue to hear. “It’s like nothing pleases you. I start to get a life and it’s like I shouldn’t have bothered because all it does is piss you the hell off, Kerri.”
I reach another empty spot on the wall and start to put up another poster. “If my attitude bothers you so much, why don’t you tell Tarin to back the hell off, because she’s the one who’s been making things harder for me.” I snap. “Or wait...you probably can’t do that huh? I forgot that you’re fucking her.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “Stupid bitch.”
I stare back at him. Did he actually just say that to me? Me of all people? “What?”
“I’m serious,” he says, shooting me a dirty look. “You’re just...I don’t even know, Kerri. But I’m done.”
“How much more “done” can you be, Trace?,” I chuckle. “I moved out, you never call, and I barely see you. You’ve been done.”
“Done would be if I completely cut you off, stopped being dependable and bringing you to work every day. And honestly, that’s what I’m about to do. Because it’s obvious you don’t respect me anymore. This is just too much.”
I act like what he’s saying doesn’t even phase me, although it’s fucking terrifying to think about what I’d have to do if he cut me off all together. It sucks, but I know what a wreck I’d turn into without him. Trace is basically my only friend in the world besides Elisha, and I know...I know I’m treating him like shit right now but I can’t help it. Tarin is pissing me off...she’s coming between Trace and I and he doesn’t even seem to mind. I can’t help the way I’m acting. I’m losing this battle...I’m losing Trace. I’m alone. “Go ahead and cut me off,” I yell. “That’s what you want to do anyway.”
He stares back at me, a horrible, angry look in his eyes. He doesn’t say anything either. I don’t know if he has it In him. Honestly, we’ve never been in this bad of a fight. He’s never called me a bitch or anything like that before. I mean, he says he doesn’t know me anymore...but fuck, he hasn’t stopped to think that I don’t know him either. I’m about to point this out, but then I see Tarin heading towards us. She looks half annoyed, and half amused, and all I want to do is get the hell out of here.
“Don’t you need to wallpaper the balcony area, Kerri?” She says, coming up behind Trace and kissing him on his neck. He puts an arm around her, like it doesn’t even matter, and pulls her forward so their wonderful new relationship is being thrust right in my face. “I mean, you do need to get home at some point tonight,” she grins.
I continue to stare at Trace, waiting for him to say something...but he doesn’t. “So that’s it,” I say, placing my hands on my hips. “All that stuff about you always being there for me doesn’t matter anymore?”
He sighs and pulls away from Tarin. “Can you give us a minute babe?”
Oh, so now she’s his babe?
Tarin rolls her eyes. “Just don’t take too long all right?” She shoots me an angry look. “There’s a lot of work to do.”
They kiss goodbye and she walks back to wherever it is that she came from. Now I’m left with Trace. Trace who looks like he’s so fed up with me, that he’d rather I just disappeared. But hell, if I could do that I wouldn’t hesitate. “So you’re serious about this whole Tarin thing,” I whisper.
“I don’t see why you should care what I’m doing, but yeah I am serious. And I’d appreciate it if you left it at that. It’s none of your business.”
“Oh right,” I chuckle. “It’s like all of a sudden you’re a changed man but I’m still the psycho so I need to butt out of your life. Real nice Trace. I’m glad you’ve learned how to be a selfish prick in the span of a few days. I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long to catch up with Justin.” I’m nearly crying, but I’m praying that he can’t tell since the lighting is so bad in here. Fuck, I don’t even know what’s come over me. It’s like all of a sudden I feel this urge to completely bitch Trace out. Maybe it’s because I can’t do it to Tarin, or maybe I just have so much aggression built up inside of me that I have to put it all on somebody. And Trace has always taken it in the past, so why wouldn’t he take it now?
He shoves his hands in his pockets looks at the floor. “I can’t deal with you when you act like this, Kerri. You know, I thought you going to live...elsewhere, was a positive thing. I thought it would make things better...bring us closer. But it’s like, now you’re more desperate than ever and I just don’t get it. I can’t help you anymore. I can’t continue to clean up your messes or put up with your moods.”
“You act like I have no right to feel this way,” I defend and it forces him to look at me again. “Do you even remember what happened to me, damn it? Look at me! Look at my leg Trace!” I lift up the left leg of my jeans and reveal the nasty scarring left over by my surgery. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before of course, but still...I’m trying to get my point across. “That’s what I have to live with...every day! Not to mention the fact that Justin and I will probably never speak again....”
“God! Stop....stop hanging onto shit that doesn’t exist anymore, Kerri! You’re so fucking pathetic. Just get over him all right? He doesn’t care about you anymore, he hasn’t in years and when you got into that car accident he had other things on his mind besides you. I was there, I helped you when nobody else cared, and I sacrificed my friendship with Justin for you. Fuck....,” he trails off and laughs sadly. “I dont’ even know why I did it anymore.”
I stand there and stare at him for a few moments, not being able to find my voice for some reason. I mean, he’s wrong. I don’t hang onto anything. Justin, after all, hurt me...really bad. True, Trace doesn’t know. He can’t know. But that still doesn’t mean I’m holding onto anything. “I’m not....,” I croak. “I’m not hanging onto anything.”
“Fuck you. You know that’s a lie.”
I’m crying, but I don’t know why. My ears are buzzing a little bit too and I just don’t get it. It’s like I’m losing my mind. I can’t even see straight anymore. My entire world is turning into one big blur that doesn’t make any kind of sense. Justin could explain it to me....
Fuck, I’m doing it again.
“Tell me what the fuck I need to do, to make you understand that the past is the past, Kerri. Because I’m sorry, I’m clueless...officially. I’m sick and tired of going around in circles with you, playing this stupid fuckin’ game. You’ve hit rock bottom, all right? Being at that place is supposed to be helping you. And I called up that supervisor lady yesterday and asked about you. Do you know what she said? She said that you dont even talk in group...you just sit there. How the hell is that helping you? You’re wasting her time, Kerrigan.”
I shrug.
“Well that’s fucking great,” he snaps. “I mean, who cares who’s time you waste as long as you get to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, right?”
“I don’t...”
“This is bullshit.” He points a finger at me and sends me a stern look. “And I’m done. Don’t fuckin call me, don’t try to get messages to me through Tarin. You can find a way to and from work on your own, and if you can’t it’s just tough. Go back to Tennessee and live with your parents, like the little baby that you are Kerri. Because nobody feels sorry for you anymore.”
He doesn’t wait for me to say anything else, I think he’s said and heard his fill. He just walks away and doesn’t look back. Then he’s gone. I feel desperate now. Scared. I’m alone. I don’t even know if I can get to work tomorrow. I’m in Los Angeles. I’m scared to death of just about everything around me, and I’m as mentally unstable as they come. What the hell do I do now? My stomach turns, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I need to get out, I realize. Fast.
The time it takes for me to get from inside to outside is a total blur. All I know is that I’m sitting on the sidewalk now, rocking myself back and forth, and crying hysterically. I can’t stop. My whole world...everything I’ve worked for up until this point is totally lost. I’ve hit rock bottom again. Or maybe....maybe I’ve been here for a long time and just haven’t realized it. Trace is right. I’m a total disaster and I deserve to be shut out of peoples lives, including his. But I’m just so scared. It’s like I’m sixteen again all alone in Shelby Forest without a friend in the world. My parents are too consumed in their own issues to notice me, and I don’t fit in with the other girls...
The only difference is, Justin isn’t calling me to make my day a little brighter.
After awhile, I manage to stop crying. I figure I might be able to give Elisha a call, so I can at least get a ride back to the home. I dial and wait, but the call ends up going to voicemail. I let out another defeated sigh, and put my head in my hands. It’s so pathetic, but I’m even too scared to call a taxi. That fucking Saturday Morning dream gave me too many gruesome visions of Nathan being the cab driver with a gun in his hand. I can’t trust it. I’ll probably have to just sit here all night...
I can’t believe Trace would turn his back on me.
But then again, he turned his back on Justin too.
A horn beeps a couple of times, and I look up. Of course it’s Cooper. Of course. He’s driving a big with van with the words “Ellisons Catering” written on the side of it. He’s staring at me, like part of him wants to drive away. Honestly I wouldn’t blame him. I gave him the cold shoulder, and I don’t want to involve him in my problems anyway.
“Why are you sitting out here crying, girl?”
I look down at the ground and shrug.
“Get in, come on,” he says, a little reluctantly. “I’ll take you home.”
I try to tune out his offer. It would be so wrong of me to take it right now, because I wanted to get away from him so badly before. I guess I use people. That’s got to be it. Hell, that’s what Trace thinks. And he’s almost never wrong, so it must be true. “I shouldn’t,” I tell him.
Cooper sighs and narrows his eyes at me. “Just get in, Kerri.”
“I don’t understand why you’re so upset.” I hear a female voice say. “You did the best you could do, Trace.”
I know it’s Trace and Tarin. The last thing I want to do is get caught in another confrontation with the two of them, so I quickly get up and run around to the other side of Coopers van and get in. I don’t say anything, just fasten my seatbelt and rub my eyes a little bit. “Thanks.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
I shake my head. “No. But if you can just take me home, it would be nice.”
He nods, but doesn’t press me further. He just drives, and I’m so thankful right now. The silence is wonderful, and I close my eyes and try to relax.
“Kerri.”
“Hmm.”
“I know you need kind of a break from reality right now and everything,” Cooper speaks up. “But...where am I supposed to be taking you anyway?”
I open my eyes and look at him again. His gaze is tense, fixated on the road ahead. I can tell he’s nervous, being with me in the car. But it’s making me calmer than he’ll ever know. “Oh sorry,” I say quietly. “It’s up on Jones Boulevard. You know, there’s alot of doctors offices around there.”
“Oh, yeah,” he nods. “I know that place. What are you renting an upstairs room at one of those offices or something?”
“Not exactly.”
He shoots me a confused glance. “What’s, not exactly?”
I sigh. I really didn’t want to have to tell Cooper where I”m living and why I’m living there. How Trace decided it would “be better” if I got out on my own. How it’s turned into him not wanting anything to do with me. How I’ve pretty much lost everybody and everything thats meant something to me, and I have no way to fix it because I’m just...a fucking idiot. “I dunno.” I say it quickly, and then the sobs come. It’s so embarrassing and I hate myself for not being able to get a grip. But I just can’t help it. From Tarin treating me like shit, to Trace disowning me in the span of a morning, I’ve officially lost the capability to hide my feelings.
“Hey....um...hey I’m sorry.” I hear Cooper say after awhile. “I didn’t mean to make you upset or anything....”
It’s hard but I force myself to get it together. There will be plenty of time to sulk in my bedroom back at Susan’s, and I know that. I wipe my eyes and sniffle a little bit before looking over at him. “It’s not a big deal,” I whisper. “Sometimes I lose it, that’s all.”
“I think you lose it more than just sometimes,” he says, knowingly. “And you know, sometimes I do too. I think everybody loses it once or twice a week. That’s just life. But you gotta just move ahead and try not to think about things so much.”
I could say a lot of things to him. I could point out the fact that I had a gun to my head a few months back and its really hard to not think about it. But I have no reason to be a bitch to Cooper at this point. He’s gone out of his way for me more than once today and I think maybe... I owe it to him to stop being a bitch and open up a little. He’s getting some points for not turning his back...not making anything we’re talking about an argument. Actually, he’s the first person I’ve been around in awhile that hasn’t been confrontational about what I’ve gone through. Granted he doesn’t know much...just what Siobhan told him. But still, that’s enough to assume things about what happened to me. “It’s hard for me,” I finally say, surprisingly being able to look him in the eyes.
“Do you ever talk about it?”
“I...” I chew the bottom of my lip for awhile. I should lie, but something tells me he’s really good at seeing past my bullshit. Maybe I should just talk to him. He’s nice, he’s not the type to fly off the handle, and for whatever reason he seems to be really into me. “I don’t,” I confess. “Not anymore at least. I used to talk about it with Justin a lot but...” I trail off and look down at my lap. I can’t say anymore. I can’t talk about Justin right now, not here. I mean, what the hell am I thinking of?
“But?”
“But I don’t talk to Justin anymore.” The words slip off my tongue before I have the chance to stop myself. Great. Now I did it. Now I opened up an entire new can of worms that I have no desire to deal with.
“Well, if it constitutes for anything I don’t really blame you,” he laughs. “If you ask me, the guy is a pretty big asshole.”
I’m glad he’s not really pressing me with questions as to why we don’t talk anymore, because I know I could crack right now and tell him everything that happened when I went to get my stuff out of his house that night. And I can’t let myself do that. At the same time though, he’s basing his opinions of Justin on what he’s seen. And I’ll admit, he’s seen and heard Justin do and say a lot of asinine things. But that shouldn’t make him jump to conclusions about the type of person Justin really is. “He’s just been through a lot.”
“And you haven’t? Kerri, I don’t know you that well or anything, but I think your priorities are a little backwards. You need to focus on yourself to get past all of this, and it doesn’t seem like you are. If you and Justin don’t talk, that’s his loss and it’s in the past now. There’s no reason why you should be sitting here miserable, not taking control of your life.”
He’s making it sound so easy. Like he can drop me off, I can go sit in group and talk about everything and my life will just be this big wonderful thing. I could talk to my parents again. I could be the friend Trace needs me to be, and I could reconcile my differences with Siobhan and get the job I’ve always wanted in New York. I wish things could be that easy. I wish I could sleep nights... I wish the nightmares would stop.
I wish I could be a little bit stronger for once in my life.
“It’s not that easy, Cooper,” I say softly.
“My mom is gone,” he points out. “Hell, we dont even know where she is right now. I could be sitting at home sulking half the time because of that, but I’m not. I’m out here living my life and doing what I need to do to make sure my future is secure. There’s no reason why you can’t pick up where you left off and do the same thing.”
(continued...)
Story Tags: justinandtrace
