His tone is so intense. It’s like he’s known me for years and he just wants to see me happy. Kind of like Trace used to be before all this shit fucked up our friendship. Cooper sort of reminds me of that version of Trace in a very small way, and it gets me to smile a little bit. The fact that he could care this much, means more to me than he’ll ever know. “You think so?”
“You’re strong willed, like me,” he says, with a smirk. “I just think some stuff happened, and you’ve been focusing too much on how other people feel, and not how you feel. I think once you face your issues, things will start to seem a lot clearer. You’ll be able to get to know yourself all over again. And once you do that, everything else will come along with it.”
“You minored in psych didn’t you.”
His face turns a light shade of pink. “How’d you guess?”
I’m grinning now, a far cry from the mess I was just minutes ago. It’s amazing how my little chats with Cooper can make me so upbeat. It’s no wonder he studied psychology, he’s really great at talking to people and getting them to calm down. He has no temper either, and for somebody like me thats definitely a bonus. “I’m sorry about earlier. I just...get scared of opening up to people. I tend to hurt them.”
“You’re not going to hurt me,” he reassures me. “I’m not like your other friends. I just want to get to know you better, and hopefully become somebody you can talk to. It would be great to have a friend out here.”
I smile a little, not really sure what to say to him at this point. He’s nice, and yeah it would be really great to have somebody else to talk to now that Trace has pretty much disowned me. But I just don’t know. I can’t trust him, I can’t trust myself....
“This road right?”
“Huh?” I snap out of it in time to see Cooper turn onto the familiar road leading up to the home. “Oh, yeah..” I nod. “This is it.”
He drives a little further until I tell him to stop in front of the home, and I swallow hard when I see two of the girls sitting on the steps smoking cigarettes. I doubt Cooper understands what this is all about, and when I look over at him to thank him for the ride I find that I’m right. He’s looking over me out the passenger side window, staring at the house, seemingly more confused than ever. I don’t blame him...i can’t...
But I can’t explain myself either.
“This is where you’re staying?,” he whispers.
“Yeah,” I take my seatbelt off and open the door. “Thanks for not...you know, leaving me at the venue.”
“You’re okay here?”
His voice is filled with so much concern that I’m forced to sink back into the seat and look at him again. I wish I could tell him the truth. That no, I’m not okay. That I miss Trace and I miss what my life used to be like before this whole thing happened to me. That I miss Justin like crazy even though I shouldn’t. That I’m a fucking unrecoverable mess. But I can’t do it, and really right now...I have no idea why. Maybe its because I’m so used to burying my feelings inside, that it’s become a natural reflex. One that I can’t stop. “I”m okay,”I say, trying to sound believable.
“That sign over there says this is a group home,” he informs me, seriously. “Kerri...”
“It’s not forever.” I force a smile. “Trace and I just needed space, and so...I”m staying here for awhile, that’s all.”
He’s silent for a moment, seemingly trying to understand what I’ve just told him. But when he shakes his head, I know he’s aggravated, even though it shouldn’t really matter to him. “So you were living with Trace?”
I nod.
“Wait a sec.” He laughs a little and sits back, slapping a hand on the steering wheel in frustration. “He kicked you out?”
I sigh. “He didn’t kick me out....,” I try to explain.
“So you wanted to come here?”
“Well no but...”
“So he kicked you out then,” he repeats.
“You’re not listening to me!,” I holler, and it gets him to shut up for the moment. I”m almost glad, but when I can still see the concern in his eyes the moment is short lived. “Cooper, we just...a lot of things happened,” I whisper. “A friend of ours knew what was going on at the house and told us about this place. It just seemed like the best option.” I rub my face with my hands a little, trying not to cry. “I mean...it’s better that I’m not living with him anymore.”
He shakes his head sadly. “Better for who? Trace?”
I just stare at him. I can’t say anything because...well, I’ve been starting to think that way. That me living here benefits Trace, and doesn’t really benefit me at all because I’m so fucking scared of talking to anybody. Actually after today, I’m more positive than ever that it’s the truth, and that makes me so upset that I can hardly hold back my tears anymore. “I dunno.” I say quickly. “I gotta go.”
“Meet me later in the week for dinner,” he asks me, gently. “Come on.”
I sigh. I just want to leave, but its obvious that Cooper isn’t going to give up until I agree with him. I can’t tell him how hard it is for me to go out in public without looking over my shoulder, because I’m too fucking weak. Instead, I just shrug. “I”ll think about it.”
He reaches out and cups my face in his hand. I should pull back, but it feels so nice...so warm, that I allow him to do it. “Please,” he smiles softly. “I swear, if my breath smells or if I act like a big jerk, you’ll never hear from me again.”
I laugh through my newly formed tears, not being able to help myself. He’s the most reassuring thing that’s come to me in a long time, and the best part is...he doesn’t take no for an answer. “You’re not going to let me say no,” I chuckle and sniff a little. “Right?”
“Sorry,” he smiles. “That word isn’t really in my vocabulary.”
I think about the idea of dinner for a second more, and finally nod and tell him I’ll go. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? He’s responsible. He’s not going to get drunk and try to drive me home, or treat me like I’m a mental case. Actually, we’ll probably talk, get to know each other, and laugh a little. Then it hits me that he’ll probably try to flirt with me. That scares me, but...I know he’s not out to push me into anything. Yeah, it’ll be good for me...a new face. Trace won’t be around to talk me out of it either. Hell, maybe this is just what I need. It’ll be like an escape from reality.
I just hope I can handle that.
“So Friday night?,” he says to me as I start to get out of the car again. “I know the radio event is Saturday so I won’t keep you out late, I swear.”
He flashes me that bright smile of his that I like so much, and I feel my face begin to turn red. “Yeah,” I say, climbing out of the car and closing the door behind me. “If I still have a job anyway.”
He shrugs. “Well if you don’t, it gives me an excuse to hold you hostage.”
I don’t laugh, I can’t. I just...freeze. “Yeah.”
“Shit.” He puts a hand over his face. “I’m an asshole...I....I didn’t...I mean, I’m sorry.”
I feel stupid for letting something so mediocre get to me, but it is. This is why I live in a group home, because I can’t handle simple slip ups like this one. It would seem harmless to anybody else, but I have chills running up and down my spine because of it. “It’s okay.” I manage to say quickly. “I”ll just see you Friday around seven okay?”
He lets out a long breath. “I’m really sorry.”
“Let’s just forget it,” I say, managing a small smile. “I’ll see you Friday. Thanks for the ride, Cooper.”
“Right.” He puts the car into gear, and I can tell he feels like an idiot for mentioning the word hostage around me. “Friday. I’ll see you, Ker.”
I wave as he drives away, and let out a long breath that I think I’ve been holding in since I got into Coopers car. I try not to think about the morning as I make my way up the driveway. I don’t want to think about anything. I just want to lie in bed and try to get over the fact hat I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about work, if I should even bother going back tomorrow after the stunt I pulled today. I mean, it’s really late for them to find a replacement for me, and I know they’d let me work the event regardless. But do I really want to put myself through this? Do I want to deal with Tarin? Do I want to chance running into Trace?
I just can’t handle anymore stress right now.
I rush past the girls sitting on the steps, ignoring their cold glares, not caring what they may or may not be thinking about me. There’s no time for that right now. I just need to go into my room, get into my bed and try to forget about work...about the horrible things Trace said to me...that I’ve lost him.
Fuck.
“Kerri.”
Susan has opened the door, obviously on her way out. I groan inwardly. She’s the last person I want to deal with right now. I”m confused enough as it is without being analyzed. I just need a day to myself...just to think. “Hi.”
“Shouldn’t you be working?”
I guess I’m not going to win today. “I...don’t feel so well,” I lie. “A friend brought me home....I figured I’d just go to bed.”
She studies me for a few moments. I’m sure she knows I’m full of shit but I’m praying she’ll decide to just leave me alone. “Sit.” She says it seriously as she motions at the porch swing.
“Oh...” I glance at it and sigh. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Kerri.” She narrows her eyes at me like my father does when he’s angry at me. “Sit.”
I do it without another word, and fumble with the bottom of my shirt nervously. She seems really angry, and I have yet to experience Susan in a bad mood. I wonder if she’s a yeller? God...I know I can’t deal with that right now. I’ll flip out at her, and then she’ll kick me out. “Susan look,” I say quickly, when she sits down next to me. “I’ve had a really rough morning and I don’t think now is a good time.”
“When you talk you should look at the person in the eye,” she reminds me, like some kind of school teacher. “That way, you’ll be able to get your point across better.”
I don’t look at her. “I’m not doing this right now.” I push myself up from the swing and start away from her, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks now.
“You’re wasting my time,” she says gently but firmly as my hand makes contact with the door knob. “I just wanted to tell you Kerri. I can’t have you here if all you’re going to do is hide in your room and go to work. This isn’t a hotel. When you came here you told me you wanted my help, and so far you’ve barely looked me in the eye. I think I deserve an explanation.”
I turn to her, and immediately all the anger, hate and sadness that has built up inside of me over the past week comes bursting out of me like a big wave. “What the fuck do you want from me!,” I scream at her. “My life sucks! Everybody hates me! Why can’t you just leave me alone? I just want to be left alone!” My back hits the door and I slide down to the floor, crying like an asshole again. I hate this. I hate everything and everyone. I hate this place, I hate these people.
I hate that Justin doesn’t love me anymore.
“What happened today?”
Her voice is close, right next to me now and I can feel the heat of her body next to mine. She’s sitting beside me I guess, but I still don’t look up to see just how close she is. “Trace hates me,” I sob into my hands. “And he was the last one that cared.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m selfish,” I sob. “And I only care about my own problems.”
“You focus on them too much.”
Her hand is on my back a moment later, rubbing it gently...like she knows I need this. I hate it. I wish I could throw her into the wall, just...take out everything on her, like Justin did to me. But that’s not how I am. I’m not strong enough, I’m not that much of a psycho. All I can do is cry, feel sorry for myself, and yell at people. “I can’t help it,” I say. “It was fucking terrible.”
“So tell me,” I hear her whisper. “Just do it. There’s no reason for you to do this anymore, Kerri. It’s ridiculous. It’s holding up your life and it’s not fair to you. Your friend is probably mad at you because you’re not helping yourself.”
“That’s not why,” I say, letting out a sad chuckle. “There’s more to it than that.”
“I think most of it, is because of this.”
I look up at her, like she has a hell of a nerve analyzing Trace. But her intense stare doesn’t waver. I’m sure she knows exactly what I’m thinking. Hell, she probably has all along. And maybe I should just stop hiding everything. Maybe its time I talked about what I’ve been through. I just...i just hate remembering. “I hate remembering,” I blurt out. “Everything comes back to me like it just happened.”
She nods, and seems to understand. “But its the only way to get past it, Kerri.”
I wipe my eyes hard and force myself to stop crying, to pull myself together. I think about everything thats happened. How in the beginning I didn’t think I would have to worry because Justin had been through it too and seen how bad it was. I always thought I’d be able to run to him when there was a problem. But then I lost him, and now Trace is gone too. “It’s just surreal,” I say. “It happened too fast, and I couldn’t control it. I’ve...” I pause and look her directly in the eye. “I always swore I’d be able to control things.”
“You can’t control everything. If you could, the world would be a perfect place.”
I bite my bottom lip. “I couldn’t stop what happened to us.”
She shakes her head. “How could you?”
I shrug. Honestly, I’ve never really thought about that before...how I could have stopped what happened to us, or what Shane did to Justin. I guess I’ve always felt I could have fought harder, or fought back when Shane dragged me out to the shed. There was a gun of course, and I know that. I know he probably would have shot me in the head if I’d ran or tried to hit him, he even told me so. I don’t now though. I guess I’ve felt that what happened to Justin was too horrible...that somehow, I should have been able to prevent it.
“That man that took us...his name was Shane,” I say, my voice cracking as I whisper the words. “He held my friend down...” I shake my head and run my hands through my hair, before managing to look at her again. “He raped him, Susan. I should have done something...but, but I couldn’t.” I squeeze my eyes closed, and try to fight it all off, because I’m remembering it now. How it smelled, how dark it was...how hard Justin cried when he got my handcuffs apart. How I held him...just held him. “I couldn’t help him,” I whimper. “I couldn’t help him, but he’d always tried to help me. He let Shane do that horrible thing to him, so he wouldn’t kill me. I...I guess thats why I tried to be so perfect after we were safe. It didn’t work though.” I hang my head low, remembering another gruesome memory...the presence of Justin’s dark figure looming above me, his hand raised. “I turned him into a monster.”
“Kerri.”
I look at her, half expecting her to ramble off some magnificent spout of wisdom that will supposedly enrich my life. But...she doesn’t. She just stares at me, and I don’t know what to make of it. “I made him so angry,” I laugh, and I know I sound like a lunatic. I guess it doesn’t matter though, because thats what this place is for...crazy people like me. “And he hit me and beat me up so bad, but I just...i walked away from it. It rained hard that night and I was crying...then I wound up in a car wreck. I...I never said anything.” I look up at her wide eyed, realizing how much I’ve just let off my chest. Funny, I feel sort of light headed now. Or maybe I just feel like I’m supposed to...normal. More normal than I’ve felt since that day in the bakery parking lot back in Tennessee. “You won’t say anything will you?,” I say, cautiously.
She puts an arm around me then, and kisses the top of my forehead like Lynn used to before she hated me. It feels good, reassuring...hell, even safe. I feel safe here for the first time. It’s so weird, but so great at the same time. “I promise,” she whispers. “I’m so proud of you, Kerri. Even if you couldn’t say in group what you just said to me, it’s a big step.”
“I’ve never told anybody half of that stuff. Only Justin knows...” My eyes get wide again.
But she just nods.
And I know it’s just us, no girls, no nosy bosses named Tarin. No Trace’s to tell me I’m not worth being friends with anymore. It’s just us. And for some reason I’m okay with that. It’s like she’s been through it too, even though I have no idea what she’s gone through. It’s like we’re in our own little world here, where nobody can know what goes on. “Thank you.” I whisper, and lean my head into her chest. “Thank you, Susan.”
The silence that follows is the best thing I’ve heard all day.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
