I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning.  My mouth had tasted sour and when I’d finally managed to sit up my head had begun to pound like somebody had just beat the crap out of me.  Funny, I couldn’t remember what my first drink had been the night before, or which one had completely put me over the edge.  All I knew was that I’d been a drunken mess by midnight, and Tarin had been egging me on to drink more along with the group of friends that had gone out with us.  I thought I may have fucked her before I started puking in the bathroom, but I couldn’t be too sure.  She left early this morning for work too so it’s not like I could have asked her.  In any case I feel like a complete asshole either way.  It’s been forever since I’ve gotten that wasted...

And I know I only did it for one reason.

Despite the fact that I screamed at her, that I told her I was done with her...that she could pretty much fall off the face of the planet and it wouldn’t phase me, I still feel horrible about it all.  I mean fuck, thats Kerri.  I’ve been there for her through everything, and managed to keep somewhat of a level head.  Sure, things sort of started to fall apart recently and all, but was turning my back on her really the right decision to make? When I didn’t get up to bring her to work this morning, was it sending her the right message? Was it really “teaching her a lesson” so to speak? I just don’t fucking know.  I do know that it’s taken every ounce of strength inside of me to keep myself from picking up the phone to see if she’s okay.  It’s why I got drunk last night.  Tarin told me everything would be fine, that Kerri is more trouble than she’s worth and I need to focus on making myself happy.  That should make me feel great too...I mean any other time I’d be really happy that Tarin was supporting my decision.

But she doesn’t know about the things that Kerri has endured...the things she’s seen.

And she doesn’t know that Justin was brutally raped by some sick fucking asshole, either.

On the other hand, I just can’t take it anymore.  Kerri’s attitude has only seemed to get worse since she moved out, and it seems to be because I’ve started seeing Tarin.  I just don’t understand, because she really seemed to want me to be happy for awhile there.  Maybe it’s because we fooled around that time, but I don’t know.  We both realized that being physical wasn’t healthy for either of us...too much shit had happened already.  So then why does it bother her so much that I’ve moved on?  I guess maybe she was scared that I didn’t care about her so much anymore, but fuck she knows better than that.  Or at least, I thought she did.  

Okay, there was that one night she called me and I pretty much blew her off.  But what was I supposed to do? It was one o’clock in the morning, and I was in the middle of having sex with Tarin.  Stopping all of that to talk to Kerri on the phone wouldn’t have just been fucked up from Tarins perspective...but hell, I was in the moment.  Kerri was lucky I could even remember her name, let alone keep a straight tone over the phone.  I know I could have talked to her about it in the morning when I’d driven her to work, but I just wasn’t in the mood then.  That probably makes me a jerk too, and I know that.  But damn it, Tarin is my girl and if I’m sleeping with her I don’t see why I need to explain myself to Kerri.  That’s the thing that made me lose it yesterday I think.  It was like she expected an explanation out of me.  Like she wanted me to say ‘oh it’s not that serious, I’m just going to sleep with her until I get bored.’  It pissed me off.  And then to top things off she starts talking about how Justin doesn’t talk to her anymore.  Honestly, what the fuck did that have to do with anything?  Justin had nothing to do with our conversation at all.

Even though I’ve decided to give it a go and try to work things out with Justin, I pushed her away anyway. I guess it really pissed me off that she was still concerned about his feelings for her after how badly he treated her when they were on speaking terms.  My feelings towards Justin are a lot different that Kerri’s are, and she’s so fucked up she can’t realize that he probably hasn’t thought about her since they broke up anyway. Part of me regrets what I did.  But mostly, I feel a little bit better knowing I don’t have to worry about her so much...at least for now.  She’s in a good place, at that home where people can help her.  And I just...I just need to get myself back together, all the way. I owe it to myself.  And now that Tarin is in my life again, I think I owe it to her too.

We’ve only really been dating for two weeks now.  But hell, it feels like we’d never broken up in the first place.  Am I falling too hard too fast? Maybe.   Do I care? Fuck no.  She’s great.  I mean, really great.  After Kerri was out of the house, and Tarin would start coming over, I remembered all the shit that used to drive me crazy about her back when we’d originally dated; her smile, her laugh, the crazy stories she’d tell me about her family, her friends, and her career.  It was refreshing to hear funny shit coming from somebody for a change.  There’s no drama with Tarin, I know it, and I’m going with it, until I have a reason not to.  She makes me happy, the happiest I’ve been in awhile and that’s good...it’s healthy.

Especially because I have to do a lot of difficult shit in the coming weeks, and I need something in my life to ease the tension.

I got a wedding invitation in the mail the other day.  At first I was confused, because normally when there’s a wedding going on I find out about it way in advance so I can plan for it.  When I opened it though, I figured out just why it was that my mom hadn’t mentioned anything to me.  Justin’s cousin is getting married next month in Tennessee, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely uncomfortable going back home.  A family wedding means..well..just that, family.  And in our family, when somebody is getting married, I think every long lost relative in the Ayala and Timberlake family crawls out of the woodwork.  It’s horrible to say it too, but I know 99 percent of the time it’s because everybody and their granny wants to see Justin. It used to irk us alot when we were younger and Justin was getting really famous.  Everybody would flock down home for birthdays, holidays...shit like that.  Even his dad would show up, and in the beginning it was fucking weird as hell because he’d never really paid much attention to Justin after he’d married his second wife.  We went with it though.  All we really had to do was hide around back and not tell anybody where we were going.  

That’s how me Justin and Kerri spent the bulk of our family get togethers: smoking weed in the woods behind Lynn’s house, not caring what anybody else thought.  I remember being grateful for moments like that when Justin had been caught up in so much hysteria.  It gave us a sense of reality, and it gave Kerri a chance to see us the way she knew us...instead of caught up in some crazy spotlight.

It’s sad to think things will never be like that again.

I’ve been meaning to ask somebody whether or not Kerri is supposed to go to this thing.  I’d ask Lynn but seeing as how she basically told me not to talk about her the last time, I don’t think it’s a good idea.  I guess the best thing I can do is ask Kerri about it when things have calmed down a little bit, even though I have no idea what I’ll say to her.  If she’s going its probably because her parents are making her, and I’m sure she wants even less to do with the whole thing than I do.  To make things worse, I have the feeling that Lynn is forcing Justin to go home for this as well.  If they ran into each other, I know things could get really ugly really fast, and so...once again, I feel like I have to keep my guard up...be the mediator or something.  It’s stupid and it sucks but I feel like if I don’t do it, somebody’s wedding will be unnecessarily ruined.

I guess that’s partly why I’m here today.

It’s ridiculous that I’m shaking right now.  I’ve known Justin my entire life, and we’ve done everything together.  I’ve told him my deepest secrets, and we’ve cried together.  There’s not a reason in the world I should be nervous, but yet...i feel like I’m going to puke.  I guess it’s because the last time I saw Justin I told him I never wanted to see him again.  I regret it now, but back then I was so disgusted with him I didn’t really care what I said.  I’ve been stubborn for a long time too, I know that.  It’s really because of Lynn that I finally pulled my head out of my ass.  I mean, what was I thinking anyway? Justin's like my brother...it’s stupid that I’ve shut him out for this long, and it’s time we talked again.  We’re both grown adults, and it’s horrible to say but...now that Kerri is out of the picture I think we’ll be able to think a little bit clearer too.

Fuck, I’m a terrible person.

I pull the key out of my pocket, chuckling a little bit when I put it in the lock and it opens the door.  Despite how paranoid he is, he still didn’t change the locks on me, and I know he probably didn’t with the hopes that I’d come back over to talk.  I take a few steps into the house, and knock on the door a little before closing it behind me.  It’s quiet, but then again it’s only ten in the morning.  Knowing Justin, he’s probably still asleep.  But that’s not who I’m really worried about running into anyway.

It’s that Melanie girl I’m concerned about.

I still don’t know how I feel about her being here.  She didn’t really hit me the right way the day we had lunch with Lynn, until she followed me out to the car.  She seemed a lot more genuine then, because I guess she saw something in me that she hadn’t allowed herself to before.  I think she may have realized that I cared about Justin a lot....but I was just being stubborn as always.  In any case, it’s made me wonder about her a lot...about how she is with Justin.  If he’s been doing okay with her around instead of me.  

“Hello?” I call out.  

No answer.

Figuring he’s asleep and she’s running another infamous errand, I take a seat on the familiar sectional leather sofa in Justin’s living room and turn the TV on.  It’s so weird, it’s like I never even left the house.  Everything is still the same as it always was, right down to the placement of the old magazines strewn across the coffee table and the familiar scent of Justin’s favorite Yankee Candle filling the air.  I feel more at home than I’ve felt in months, like I could just grab a beer from the fridge(even though I know it’s not there) and fall asleep in front of the TV.

“What the fuck!”

I gasp and jump up from the couch, whirling around to come face to face with none other than Melanie herself.  She looks terrified, and I’m sure I’m the last person she expected to find chilling out on Justin’s sofa.  I really should apologize and explain myself, but considering I’m pretty sure I got laid last night, and that she looks like she’s been scrubbing out a toilet all morning, I’ll be a little cocky instead.  “Hey Mel,” I chuckle.  “Looking good I see.”

“How the did you get in here?”  She demands, slapping the rag in her hand at her side.  “You gave me a damn heart attack!”

“Calm down, would you?”  I sit back down on the couch again and resume channel surfing before continuing on.  “You honestly thought I didn’t have a key?”

“You honestly thought it was okay to just come waltzing into the house unannounced?”  She storms around the sofa and stands in front of the television, so I’m forced to pay attention.  “What the hell, Trace?

I shrug.  “I have a right to be here, Melanie.  You don’t have to act like it’s the worst thing in the world.”  One thing I can already tell about this girl is she overreacts way too much.  Being through what I’ve been through with Justin, I know that she probably has her reasons for being this way but fuck...it’s really annoying.  “I mean, yeah, next time I’ll call if it will make you feel better....”

“It will,” she interrupts me with a roll of her eyes.  “I mean, thats what most civilized people do anyway.”

Bickering with her is going to get me nowhere, and I’ve been entirely too stressed out as it is this week without making it worse.  So I’ll just get to the point, like I should have done from the beginning.  “I’m here to see Justin,” I tell her, seriously.

“Well, does he know that you’re coming?,” she scoffs.  “Because I don’t need to give him the same heart attack that you just gave me.”

“Look, I shouldn’t have to ask your permission to be here, and you know...you do work for Lynn,” I point out.  “So if you could just get him for me....”r32;
“Mel, what’s going on?”

I guess I don’t need to argue with her anymore after all.  Justin is on the stairs now, with nothing but a towel around his waist.  I can tell he just got out of the shower, and honestly I’m kind of shocked he’d come downstairs so scantily clad in front of the girl.  It makes my mind swim with a thousand questions that I’m scared of getting the answer to, so I just stand up and make my presence known before Melanie can talk me down, or tell Justin to go upstairs until she ‘handles’ things.  “Hey, Justin.”  I shove my hands in my pockets, and lick my lips nervously, not knowing what’s about to happen and partially too scared to find out.

He just stares at me.

“He...he let himself in.” Melanie stumbles with her words, like Justin is her master or something and she’s broken the rules.  “I’m sorry, Justin.  I...I didn’t know, or I would have told you.”

“Well that’s Trace,” Justin speaks up softly after a moment.  “Just does whatever the hell he feels like.  It’s not your fault, Mel.”

I stare back at him, knowing I deserved that for showing up at his house like this, but hating his attitude at the same time.  Honestly, he doesn’t know why I’m here.  What if it was a life or death kind of thing? What if I had come to tell him something really important? I hate that he’s jumping to conclusions.  But then again, should I have expected any other reaction after all this time?  “I thought we could talk,” I say, quietly.

“Why?”  He laughs sadly.  “You finally realized how stupid you are?”

It makes me want to punch him.  “Listen asshole....”

“I'm not going to stand here and watch you two tear each other apart.” Melanie intervenes, angrily.  “Justin, your dogs still need to be walked.  Remember?”

He takes his angry gaze off of me for a split second so he can look over at Melanie.  “They’re still asleep.  I”ll do it in a few minutes.”

“And when they pee all over your sheets, I’m not going to wash them,” she snaps.  “God, Justin...it’s not my fault somebody decided to mess up the routine today.” She steals an angry glance at me.  “Walk them.”  She points a finger at him, and turns on her heel, disappearing into the kitchen.

It’s so weird.  If I’d never met them before and didn’t know any better I’d think they were an old married couple.  She orders him around like she’s the master of the house and Justin seems to linger on her every word.  Even now, he looks like he feels bad...like he should have known better.  He’s even turning around to head back upstairs.  It seems like he’s forgotten that I’m even here and fuck...I don’t know what to think, but I do know that Melanie shouldn’t be working for Justin.  It’s obvious that she confuses the hell out of him, and I have to wonder what the hell Lynn was thinking about when she hired the girl to work here.  “Dogs?” I say.

He stops on the stairs.  “You’re still here?”

“We need to talk, Justin,” I nod.  “You know that we do.”

He laughs.  “I thought you never wanted to see my fucking face again, Trace.  Those were your words.”

I sigh.  “I was angry, Justin.  Could you blame me?  What you did was pretty fucked up.”  I won’t mention Kerri’s name, because I know I don’t need to.  We both know what he did, and he should know that alone was grounds for me to cut him off completely.  

He slaps his hand on the handrail.  “You act like I didn’t feel terrible about it.”

There’s a look in his eyes that I can’t really describe.  He looks hurt, angry and scared all at the same time.  I know I’ve reached a delicate subject that neither of us is ready to talk about, so I’ll move on.  “I just...I’ve been thinking.  I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Justin.  You’re too important...like family, you know? And I think deep down you feel the same way.  Give me an hour.  That’s all I’m asking.  In fact, I shouldn’t even have to ask.  I’m the one who’s doing you a favor by being here.”

He glares at me.  “You’re not doing me any favors, dumb ass.”  He sighs after that and takes a few minutes to battle out his decision in his head.  “But I guess...” he finally says.  “I guess I owe you at least an hour.”  

I could be a dick and maintain my serious demeanor but instead I just smile, and let out a hearty laugh.  “More like ten years, but I’ll let you slide.”

“Let me get clothes on and get the dogs.  We can go for a walk or something,” he says, and walks back up the stairs.

I sit back down on the sofa to wait for him to return.  That went a lot better than I expected, and I’m kind of surprised.  I smile to myself as I reach for a magazine to thumb through.  Maybe this is a positive step.  Maybe I can talk to him...really talk to him, and get some shit off my chest.  Maybe he’s changed...maybe, just maybe...I can finally have my best friend back after all this time.  

“What are you planning on talking to him about?”

Melanie’s voice echos from somewhere behind me and I roll my eyes, not bothering to turn around and face her this time.  “Does it matter?”

“Yeah, because I don’t need him getting upset right now.”  She’s leaning over the couch now, her face directly in front of mine.  It’s the first time I’ve really gotten a close look at Melanie.  That time in the car I was too distraught to really care, but now....now I’m taking her in.  She has a welcoming complexion, a natural kindness.  Somebody I could easily get comfortable with in about five minutes.  Her eyes are soft, but bright, and pretty.  If the circumstances were different, I’m sure I’d view her in a completely different way.  Hell, maybe I’d even be friends with her.  I can see right through this whole seriousness front she’s putting on for me.  I can tell just by looking at her that the girl is a total sweetheart who’d do anything for you.  And that scares me...not because I find myself suddenly wanting to trust her...

But because I know what Justin can do to a vulnerable girl like her.

I cross my arms and smirk a little bit.  “You two are pretty close huh?”

She swallows and clears her throat slightly.  “Why...why do you say that?”

“Just seems obvious.” I shrug.  “You’re getting pretty defensive over him, don’t you think?”

“Somebody has to look out for him,” she says, gruffly.  “And as we discussed the last time we saw each other, you haven’t been around.”

I toss the magazine back on the table and sigh.  “I don’t want to argue with you Melanie.      I’ve just...i’ve been doing alot of thinking and I guess the stuff Lynn talked to me about that day at the restaurant really got to ,me that’s all.  I’m not an asshole or anything, but for a long time things with Justin and I weren’t working out.  I didn’t feel like sticking around was the best thing for either of us.”

“But you’re not supposed to desert your friends,” she whispers, a sad look in her eyes.  

There’s so much that she can’t know about, and I realize now just how naive she is to everything that’s happened.  I doubt Justin has told her much, if anything, about what happened to him in that place and after the fact.  I do get the feeling though, that he blamed the fact that he’s been all alone solely on myself and Kerri.  That really makes me angry enough to walk out right now too, but I know I can’t.  I need to get some shit off of my chest, and since I don’t have a damn thing going on today it’s the best opportunity to do it.  “There’s a lot more to it than what you think, Melanie,” I say.

She crosses her arms.  “I doubt it.”

The scratching of nails against wood flooring causes me to forget about my discussion with her for the moment, and look up at the staircase.  I have to laugh when I see Justin struggling with two boxer puppies on a leash.  I’m assuming Lynn must have gotten them for him, because Justin was always talking about getting a couple of dogs as soon as the tour was over.  They’re loud and they bark and jump around.  Justin doesn’t seem thrilled at all, but I can’t help but laugh out loud.  “Damn, Justin.  Got your hands full I guess?”

He glares at me as the puppies pull him down the stairs.  “Shut up.”

“Don’t come back until they’ve both done their business.  I dont feel like cleaning up dog mess again, Justin,” Melanie orders him.

Justin is pulled to the door.  The dogs start whining and scratching at the door, obviously eager to get outside.  I look on with an amused smirk.  It’s great to see Justin finally having to do some shit for himself.  One thing I’ve noticed about Melanie is that she doesn’t put up with his excuses...at all.  Maybe thats how she got him to go running, like she told me about.  I’m almost impressed.  It almost makes me forget about how much I dislike her vulnerability, and bossy attitude.  I mean, I guess Justin needs somebody like that.  I guess...i just couldn’t be that way with him because I was his best friend, and I was so scared of breaking him again.  In a way, it’s better that Melanie doesn’t know a lot of what happened.  It gives her grounds to make Justin wake up.  But at the same time, a small part of me still doesn’t trust it.

At the same time...something inside of me is telling me that Melanie is going to get hurt no matter how strong she is. I’d tell her but I guess it’s not my place.  Not that she’d believe me anyway...she’d just call me a selfish asshole and then I’d get pissed.  No, for
today at least I’ll just stick with what I know....

Justin and his shitty attitude.

“You coming?,” he sighs as he manages to get the door open.

 I glance back at Melanie, who has proceeded to remove all the pictures and trinkets on the mantle so she can dust it.  She doesn’t look back at us, and I know that she’s completely avoiding the fact that I’m here and about to hang out with Justin.  It’s bothering her...a lot.  But I can’t say I blame her.  She’s worried about what this will do to him.  I keep telling myself that she just cares about him like a friend would.  But for some reason...I just think there’s more to it than that.  “Yeah.”  

He walks ahead of me and I try my best to catch up with him as he’s pulled towards the front gate.  I’m a little surprised when he hits the button to make them open.  I can’t remember the last time Justin went outside of his gated sanctuary without the aid of Eric or Tiny at his side.  It’s weird...new, and a lot different from what I was expecting.  Maybe I was right.  Maybe he has changed for the better.  “This is different,” I say, trying to catch my breath as I catch up with him.

“What’s different.”  He scowls as he pulls back on the leash.  

“We’re outside of the gate,” I point out.

He looks at me, but he doesn’t smile.  “Yeah, I know.”

One of the dogs takes a dump underneath a tree, and we move on unaffected.  Justin seems strangely calm, but doesn’t hesitate to look over his shoulder every now and then.  I can’t blame him of course.  “So...I guess you’ve been a little better,” I say, trying my best to spark a conversation.

He shoots me a sarcastic smile.  “Yeah look at that.  And I didn’t need your help or anything.”

All right I get it.  I was wrong to cut him off completely.  I mean yeah, I had my reasons but its something I really should have considered beforehand.  I probably look like such an asshole crawling back to him right now and acting like everything is okay.  Clearly, in his mind, it’s still not.  Maybe I should just leave...let him think about things.  “Justin look...”

“No...,” he grunts, trying to control the dogs and pay attention to me at the same time.  “Why did you come here Trace? I know you didn’t just wake up this morning and decide to pay me a visit.  You’re as stubborn as I fuckin am.”

He’s right and I feel like a big asshole right now for trying to play it all cool and shit.  Honestly, this is the fakest I’ve been around Justin in awhile and I guess I should just cut the bullshit and get to the point.  “Your mom convinced me I should come talk to you. “ I say.

“Oh okay.” He lets out another fake laugh as the dogs continue to sniff around.  “You mean the day that you had lunch with her and Melanie and you treated Mel like a piece of shit, right?”
“Oh give me a break, Justin.  I didn’t know her, all right? And your mom just sprung it on me that some girl was living with you and helping you out.  What was I supposed to do? Be her best friend?”  I know I’m leaving out the whole part that I saw her the day I was sitting outside of his house, but I feel like if I tell him that, he’ll think I’m even more pathetic.  “I didn’t trust her.”

“You judged her.  Come on Buck, Brennan.” He pulls the dogs forward, and looks back at me.  “Don’t act like you didn’t.”

I cross my arms across my chest.  “Like you don’t judge people?”

He doesn’t answer.

We walk in silence for awhile, just watching the dogs do their thing.  I notice that Justin doesn’t even begin to head back towards the house until each of the dogs has pooped and peed at least twice.  It’s a little sickening to me that he’s following Melanie’s demands to a T, but I don’t say anything.  It’s obvious that he’s annoyed about my opinion about her so far, and I really don’t feel like fighting with him about it anymore at the moment.

“So what’s been going on with you, Trace?”

His question catches me totally off guard.  It sounded too normal, almost forced, but I’m glad he’s at least trying.  At the same time though, I don’t know what to tell him.  Do I talk about Kerri? Do I avoid the subject? Do I tell him that I’m bored and I’ve been trying to find something to get into but I just can’t seem to do it? Do I just talk annoyingly about how hot Tarin is? No...he’ll know that I’m just bullshitting.  “Oh you know...same old shit.”

He smiles back at me.  “You suck at lying.”

I shrug.  “Well I don’t know what you want me to say.”

We reach the gate again and he enters the security code.  He looks at me for a long moment and clears his throat a little bit.  “Well...I mean, Kerri’s been staying with you right? How have you guys been doing?”

I want to puke.  That was the one thing I was hoping he wouldn’t mention, but I guess I should have known better.  I want to lie and just tell him everything is fine.  He doesn’t need details.  He doesn’t need to know where she is or how she’s been acting.  “Fine,” I nod.  

“Oh...I get it.”  He shakes his head as the gate slides open.  “We can only talk about what you feel comfortable with.”

“I didn’t say that.”  I follow him onto his property and the gate slams shut behind us.  “You know, you’re not making this easy for me either, Justin.”

He turns to me angrily.  “Then just say it.  Tell me that she’s fucked up, because I know she is.”

I ball my fists at my sides.  “Don’t make this about Kerri.”

The dogs begin to pull on the leashes and yelp, and he angrily turns around again and starts to let them lead him toward the house.  “What the fuck is it supposed to be about then?”

I jog to catch up with him.  “I came to resolve things between us.  I didn’t come to talk about what Kerri is doing.”

Once we get close enough to the house, Justin lets the dogs off the leash and they go bounding towards the doorway, which he’d left open a crack.  They push it open all the way and disappear inside.  I’m thankful for that. Now, maybe Justin will be able to focus a little bit better.  

“I don’t know how you expect to resolve things in an hour,” Justin says, wiping some sweat off of his forehead with his arm.  “It’s been months.”

“And we’ve been friends for a hell of a lot longer,” I point out.  “Just put the shit behind us, Justin. I’m ready to.”

He sits down on the grass, and I join him.  He picks at the blades of grass with his fingers silently.  It’s annoying and I can only remember one other time in my life when things had been this tense between us, when I’d had to tell him that I’d been the one that had gotten Shane hired.  He’d went ballistic, told me he wished I was dead.  Hell, he shouldn’t even be acting like this right now. If anything, he’s lucky I’ve put all of that behind me.  What the fuck?  What gives him the right to sit here and act like he’s the victim.  “You know...”

“I’m sorry I blamed you for Shane,” he blurts out suddenly.  “It bothers me every day, Trace.”

I stare at him, dumbfounded.  I was expecting him to say alot of things today, but certainly not that.  Honestly, we’ve only really discussed that whole thing once or twice, and while I told him that I’d put it behind me I guess I never really forgave him either.  Ever since it happened, things have been severely strained between us.  I think the Kerri thing just put everything over the top.  “I never really forgave you,” I say after awhile.

“I don’t blame you.”

It’s quiet again, like it always is when each of us knows what the other one is thinking.  I know he’s sorry, and he knows that I’m ready to forgive and forget, even though it’s going to be hard getting back to the level our friendship used to be at.  “I’m trying,” I say finally.  “I miss you, man.”

He looks at me.  “You have no idea how hard its been without you.”  His bottom lip trembles a little bit and I watch as he wipes a few tears off of his face.  “The last person I wanted to lose was you.”

“That time you called...,” I sigh and finally look at him again.  “I felt really shitty for hanging up on you like that.”

He shrugs.  “I knew you would.  I just needed somebody and I had nobody else to call.”

I officially feel like the worst person on earth, even though I shouldn’t.  Justin deserved it, and I wasn’t ready to talk to him.  But seeing him now, knowing that he was probably in a really bad state of mind then makes me wish I could have snapped out of my mood for that moment in time.  I know I can’t change the past though.  The most I can do is move forward from here, spend time with him, and find my best friend again.  “I want things to go back to how they were,” I tell him.  “I mean, I know they’ll never be completely back to normal but...as long as we can be friends again, I think I’ll be okay.”

He smiles genuinely, for the first time today.  “I want that too.  I want it really bad, Trace.”

I get up from the ground and hold my hand out to him.  “You wanna go back to the house?”

“Sure.”  He lets me help him up.  “Mel probably made something to eat.”

He’s smiling and for the first time I realize how much better he looks.  He’s not pale at all, and he looks like he’s getting his sleep.  Those bags under his eyes that would seem to take over his entire complexion are non existent now.  He’s clean shaven, and his usual mess of curls has been tamed.  He’s not dressed like a bum either.  He matches, like he’s always been so meticulous about in the past.  I’m almost proud of how far he’s coming along.  And to think that Melanie of all people has played a big part in getting him back in control of himself is more shocking than anything.  Madison was supposed to be the one that was getting him all straightened out.  Which is why I really think there’s feelings involved between Justin and Melanie...strong ones.  And it’s scaring me.  I want to ask him what’s going on, but I don’t know how he’ll react.  I want today to go well, so things can start getting back to normal.

But I’m sure my curiosity will get the best of me.

We get back into the house and the dogs proceed to jump all over Justin while he makes his way over to the kitchen table.  It’s been set nicely, kind of like the way my mom sets up the table for Sunday brunch after church.  It’s weird because my mom isn’t here, it’s not Sunday, and the girl that has gone to all of this trouble considered me an asshole just a few moments ago.  I guess I don’t know her as well as I think, or...she just wants to fuck Justin so badly that she’ll put on this Susie Homemaker front to turn him on.  But that kind of thing doesn’t turn Justin on, so I don’t even know what to think except that she actually finds pleasure in doing this sort of shit.  

“Here you go boys.”

She places a large platter of sandwiches in front of us, and a moment later returns with a pitcher of what looks to be freshly made lemonade.  My mouth waters.  It reminds me of coming in from mowing the lawn on a hot summer day and being rewarded by my momma.  God I’m such a dork, but it’s been forever since I’ve had this kind of a homey feel and fuck...I’m going take advantage of a good thing.  “Thanks.” I smile and take two sandwiches from the top of the pile.  Justin does the same, and when Melanie swats his hand away from the pitcher of lemonade and pours it for him herself, I can’t help but smile a little bit.

They really are cute.

“You spilled it the last time,” she tells him when he frowns at her.

“Well maybe you should pour Trace’s too,” he grumbles.

“Maybe I should give the rest of your lunch to the puppies.”  She grins at him, and when he doesn’t protest further she simply wanders away into the adjoining room.  

Justin and I eat quietly for awhile, before the curiosity begins to nag at me so badly that I can’t control it anymore.  I finish my fifth sandwich and sit back, letting my belt out a little because I feel so stuffed.  “So,” I yawn, as Justin slurps down some more lemonade.  “When’s the wedding?”

He looks at me.  “Huh?”

I have to laugh.  He looks so perplexed by my question I’m surprised he didn’t fall off of his chair.  “I’m just saying, Justin.  You two bicker like an old married couple.”

He scowls.  “She’s a control freak.”

One of the dogs is by my feet now, crying because he wants some of my sandwich.  I tear off a little piece and give it to him, and Justin gasps.  

“Don’t do that!”

I look at him oddly.  “Are you on drugs?”

“Mel doesnt want them having any table scraps.”  He looks over his shoulder cautiously, probably making sure that she didn’t see me give the dog anything.  “She says that they need to be trained not to depend on table scraps.  She’ll get pissed because she’s been weening them off of anything to do with the table and dinner time.  She puts them outside, I’m surprised she hasn’t done it today.”  He stares at me for a moment.  “But I guess today is kind of weird anyway.”

I crack a half smile and then the dog starts to whine for more food.

“See?,” Justin whines.  “Now you’ve gone and fucked it all up.”

I roll my eyes.  “Go lay down.” I say harshly to the puppy and point to the corner.  It stares at me for a minute, but when I repeat myself a little bit louder it does as it’s told.  “See? Not so hard, Justin.  Remember Ben? That dog was a pain in the ass, but he always listened to me.”

He crosses his arms stubbornly.  “Whatever, when you leave he’ll be back at it again. The girl, Brennan isn’t so bad.  She stays away from the table.  Actually, she hangs around Melanie a lot.  But Buckley is a pain in the ass.”

“Hey, kind of like you,” I snicker.

He glares at me.  “Are you done criticizing me now? Did you get it out of your system?”

“Oh hardly,” I smile.  “You owe me about ten years worth of criticism.  I’m just getting started.”

“Jerk.”

“You like her don’t you?,” I challenge him.  “I can tell.”

He doesn’t look me directly in the eye as he laughs and tells me I’m crazy, so now I know it’s the truth.  He does like her, like a kid in school would have a crush on a girl.  It’s funny but kind of sad at the same time.  Justin has never been one to crush...just one to seek out the girl he wants and take her for himself like some kind of animal.  It’s weird to see him like this, so obedient, so scared that he’ll do something or say something wrong to piss her off.  I could be worried, but the more I  hang around Melanie the more harmless she seems.  I’m actually glad that she’s the one that’s taking care of him now, unlike the other day when all I wanted to do was think that she was a bitch who had no right being here.   Sometimes I can be such a pig headed asshole, and I guess just like Justin...I need to work on myself a little more too.

“We’re friends,” he nods.  “It’s good having somebody around who has their shit together, you know?  It keeps me from going more crazy than I already am.  It doesn’t mean I like her or anything.”

“Hey I’m just telling you what it looks like to me,” I defend.  “Has your mother been around when you two act like this?”

“Act like what?,” he snaps.  “She’s been around, yeah, but she hasn’t said anything like this to me.  I know you’re just doing what you do best, Trace.  Being an asshole to piss me off.”

I almost get back at him by asking Justin if they’ve fucked yet, but I have to bite my lip.  Melanie has walked back into our midst now, clearing our empty plates.  I figure our conversation will move onto other things, like sunshine and daisies.  But Justin’s pride has seemed to take over, and I know I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard.

“What the fuck do you care what I do anyway?,” he grunts at me.  

Melanie turns around from her spot at the sink and stares at us.

“I was just kidding around, christ,” I get up from the table and shake my head at him.  “You get so damn edgy.”

“Everything okay?,” I hear Melanie say.  “Justin?”

“He’s just being himself,” he says, glaring at me.  “And he was leaving anyway.”

I frown a little bit. I guess he’s kicking me out, but should I really have expected anything else from him? I’ve struck one of his precious nerves, and god forbid anybody should tell him he’s wrong or make him admit his feelings to himself.  Maybe coming here was a mistake.  I probably should have just called or something...planned ahead.  But I just figured we could act like adults and come to terms with things.  I mean, yeah he looks better but his attitude is still the same.  I’m getting disgusted again.  I really need to leave.  “Yeah, I was.”  I shake my head a little bit.  “See you around, Justin.”

“Wait.”

It’s Melanie again and I sigh.  Not only is she Susie Homemaker, but she’s also Justin’s saving grace when it comes to people getting pissed off at him.  If only she knew how he acted a few months back.  If only she knew about Kerri...

But I refuse to think about Kerri right now.  

I turn back and sigh.  “It’s fine,” I say.  “I have things to do anyway.”

“Yeah,” Justin scoffs. “Like sit in his house.”

“Look,” she says, ignoring the both of us.  “I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but Trace, maybe you should give Justin a break.  You know, you didn’t give him any time to get ready for your visit and from what I understand you two haven’t spoken in awhile.”

“She’s right.” Justin smiles at me, like he’s just won some fucking contest.  It makes me want to punch him.
“And Justin....”

He frowns.

“You should give Trace a break.  At least he’s here, trying to salvage your friendship.” She pauses and smiles at me a little bit.  “Most people wouldn’t take the time to do that.”

I feel like we’re on some twisted version of Full House, I glance at the door ready to see Joey bust through with some stupid ass joke but it never happens.  I’m still uncomfortable though.  I’ve never really been one to be all sappy and shit, and it’s kind of sickening to hear Melanie say all this stuff.  It’s like she’s become the mediator, when I thought that was my job all along.  Weird.  It’s weird.  It’s weird and I should go.  “I...um...I should probably go anyway though.  I have a dinner meeting later on and I need to get my shit together.  You know how it is Justin.”

One glance at him and I know he thinks I’m full of shit, but I don’t care. I mean, it’s not totally a lie.  I told Tarin I’d meet her after work for dinner.  It’s not really a meeting but, it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m uncomfortable and the fact that this is the first time I’ve been on good terms with Justin in four months is really making me agitated.  I need to reflect on all of this and figure out what I need to do to make all of this right again.  

“Oh yeah,” Justin nods.  “Sure.”

“I um...have to give this house a pretty good cleaning tomorrow,” Melanie speaks up quickly before I can escape.  “Why don’t you two do something?”

Justin doesn’t respond.  He’s still brooding in his seat, probably because Melanie just pointed out how stupid he was acting.  I hate when he gets like this.  It’s so childish and honestly he should have gotten past being so sensitive by now.  “We could go to the driving range,”I force myself to suggest, even though he’s the one that should be concerned about hanging out with me again.  I guess I know that deep down he probably does want to hang out as soon as possible, but he’s too scared and stubborn to make the first offer.  I shouldn’t have expected him to act differently.

“I guess,” he mumbles in reply.  “That...that’ll be okay.”

“All right.  I’ll call you tomorrow.  Thanks for the food and stuff, Melanie.”

“Sure,” she says quickly and steps closer to me.  “Let me show you out.”

In all honesty I could show myself out, but Melanie seems pretty uncomfortable at the moment, so I’ll let her do what she wants.  I guess it’s weird for her seeing Justin and I starting to reunite and stuff, seeing as how she knows nothing about our past history growing up.  I’d probably feel out of place too.  

“So you’ll call tomorrow right?,” she laughs nervously as she opens the door for me.  “Because you know...if you don’t call, Justin will...”

“He’ll talk about it all day I know,” I interrupt with a smile.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’ll call.  I’m not one of those people who goes back on their word.”  

“All right.”

She seems satisfied with what I’ve said, so I start to walk out to my car, trying to figure out what the hell happened in there and what my friendship with Justin is going to be like now that we’ve reconciled.

“Trace.”

I turn around.  She’s still standing there, looking as uncomfortable as ever.  Still, I smile at her, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it is.  “Yeah?”

“I shouldn’t have said all that stuff to you when I met you,” she says sadly.  “I just didn’t know what had gone on, and I didn’t want Justin to get hurt anymore than he had been.”

I shrug.  “I misjudged you too,” I confess.  “I didn’t think you belonged here but...the truth is, I haven’t seen him look this good in a long time.  So I guess I should be thanking you.”  

“Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow,” she tells me quickly.  “I”d stay and chat but I’m sure the dogs are wreaking havoc somewhere in the house.  Bye, Trace.”

I wave and she disappears into the house, leaving me alone in the driveway.  I shake my head and smile as I get into my car, thinking how crazy I am for even showing up here today, and how stupid I was for thinking Melanie was this big stupid bitch who needed to be outed.  In all honestly, she seems really sweet, and she’s really pretty too.  She’s like the type of girl that I’d date if I was still living back home, that sweet innocent girl next door.  For a minute or two I’m almost jealous of Justin for having yet...another thing in his life that I could never have.

But then I remember that I live in Los Angeles, I have a hot ass girlfriend that I’m meeting for dinner, and I have a lot more going for me personality wise than Justin does right now.  I should just be happy that I’m finally getting back on track with my life, after all this time of wallowing in misery and sadness.  It’s with these thoughts in my head that I manage to pull up to the radio station and wait for Tarin to get out of work.  It seems like an eternity, and I suddenly remember just why it is that I hate hanging out around here during the daytime.  There’s so many sketchy people hanging around, bums really.  It makes me kind of sick to think that Kerri is alone in this mess now, and I’m the cause of it.  Maybe I’m wrong...fuck, maybe I can ask Justin what he thinks tomorrow.  But no...no, how can I ask him for Kerri advice?  The whole point of this is to keep Kerri out of our conversations.
But how is that possible?

“Hi sexy.”

I look up into the smiling face of my girlfriend.  She leans in through the window and we kiss a little bit.  That’s one of my favorite things...it always has been, and it’s sexy as hell that she remembers.  “Hi baby.”

She gets into my car and we drive off.  She proceeds to tell me about her day, and the calm, sweet sound of her voice makes any aggressions I may have built up at Justin’s go away completely.  I melt into her, and I start to wonder how I could have possibly allowed such an awesome person slip through my fingers.  I mean yeah, the distance thing had something to do with it but if I tried hard enough I probably could have made it work.  I can’t help but wonder, what if things had been different? What if she’d had a boyfriend when I came to ask her for help getting Kerri a job? Would she had felt as sorry for me? Would Kerri and I have even gotten into that fight? I guess I shouldn’t think about it though.  This is what’s happening right now, this is reality, and I should be happy with that and not dwell on things so much.  

“Yeah and it’s just such a joke.  I mean, I’ve been there for almost eight years, and some intern thinks shes going to get the job over me? It’s ridiculous babe.”

She rambling on, and I’m sorry to say I was barely paying attention to what she was saying in the first place.  That makes me a horrible person right now but I mean, I did have kind of an emotional roller coaster of a day.  I put my hand on her inner thigh and rub it gently, so it makes it look like I completely understand.  Terrible.  “Don’t worry about it, Tar,” I glance at her and flash her a gentle smile.  “You’re the best one there anyway.”

She pecks me on the cheek.  “So where are we going?”

“Oh...” I feel myself blush a little, because I was dork and booked a reservation at this really nice place up in Bel Air.  I didn’t tell her, I sort of wanted it to be special.  But it’s weird because I normally don’t do things like this.  I”m more conservative, happy with a Denny’s dinner over some fancy overpriced steak anytime.  But Tarin...it’s like I feel like she’s too good for places like that.  Or maybe I just want her to feel that way. “Well I figured I’d surprise ya.”

“Surprises? From you?,” she scoffs.  

“I know,” I laugh.  “That’s a surprise in itself.”

“What’s the occasion mister?”

I glance at her again, and let my gaze linger on her for a few minutes, not being able to help but think about how amazingly hot she is.  I may not remember the sex we had when I was drunk the last night, but I damn well remember the sex we had a few nights before.  I’d been playing it cool because we had only just started dating and I didn’t want her to think I wanted to get in her pants so quick.  I mean, yeah of course I did...but I wasn’t going to be a jerk about it.  Anyway, we ended up going out that night with a few of her friends.  We partied, but I didn’t really get that trashed, just tipsy.  Afterward we went back to my place, and walked up the stairs to my apartment laughing like a couple of stupid kids. When we got inside I told her that she could just crash at my place because I didn’t want her driving home if she’d been drinking.  

So we watched a movie...

The next thing I knew we were rolling around in my bed, having this crazy wild sex romp.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had it that good, that many times, or for that amount of time.  It was probably back before the kidnapping, sometime when Elisha had been able to make it out to one of Justin's shows.  And that was a long, long time ago.  Six months at least. I never realized how horny I was, I guess my mind had been too preoccupied with other things.  But when we came together that first time...long and hard, screaming each others names, I’d realized how much I’d missed having sex, how fun it was, and how important it was to care about the other person I was having it with.  “No occasion really.” I give her thigh a firm squeeze.  “Just thought it would be nice to take my girl out.”

“Hmm, your girl,” she grins.  “Never thought I’d hear you say that to me again, Trace.”

She takes my hand and I lace my fingers through hers before lifting her hand to my lips, giving it a soft kiss.  “I um...I went to Justin’s,” I say after a few moments.  

She smiles at me and I know she’s proud.  We had a long talk about this earlier in the week, when I’d been convinced it wasn’t such a good idea after all.  She told me that she knew how close I was with Justin, and even if she didn’t know him as well as I did, it was important that I tried to rekindle our friendship.  I think I took her advice to heart, because initially if it wasn’t for Justin, I wouldn’t have even met Tarin in the first place. He’d hooked up with her first, and I’d ran into her in the continental breakfast line the next morning.  Of course it had been awkward, and Justin did get kind of pissed the next week when she’d called me instead of him, but in the end he’d found somebody else to fuck anyway.  Tarin was just too good for that sort of thing.  She didn’t need to hang onto the hopes of Justin’s phone calls.  She hooked up with him, she met me and then she forgot about him.  It was that simple.

I think it was the only time I’d felt like I’d gotten one up on Justin.

“So...dish boy! What happened?”

“We talked,” I nod.  “I think...it was good.  We’re speaking, so I guess that’s as much as I could have hoped for.  We’re supposed to go to the driving range tomorrow, so I’ll have to see what happens I guess.”

“See? I told you everything would be fine.” She nudges me playfully.  “You worry too much.”

“Yeah.” I grip the steering wheel harder and bite my lip.  Bringing up the fact that I worry too much makes me think of Kerri...about the terrible things I said to her yesterday.  I realize that I don’t even know if she made it into work today, and I’m dying to ask Tarin but I just don’t know how she’ll react.  When the whole thing happened, and Kerri left the venue, Tarin told me I should just forget her and move on.  But how can I just forget her?  No matter what I do, she’ll always outshine the majority of my other friends in a way.  We’ve done things together and confided in each other so much in our lifetime, that I know nobody can take her place.  “I hate to ask, babe.  I just....I mean, did Kerri make it into work today?”

She rolls her eyes a little.  “I guess I knew why you’d ask.”

“I just don’t want anything bad to happen to her.”  I give her a pleading look.  “You understand, right?”

She sighs.  “Yeah she made it.  Somebody dropped her off, but I didn’t get to talk to her.  I mean, I wasn’t planning on it anyway but she was cooped up in David’s office when I left to do a few errands at the venue, and when I got back she was still in there.”  She bites her lip.  “I wasn’t going to say anything but...since you asked I guess I can just tell you that I don’t like it, Trace.”

David Foster is one of those guys you meet at a bar or a pool party and feel like punching in the face or  pushing in the pool, but don’t because his sister is hot and you’re afraid you won’t be able to get on her good side if you follow through with what you want to do.  He’s arrogant, selfish, and really deceptive.  But he’s always supported NSYNC, and Justin’s career.  That’s the one thing that’s kept my respect for him just over the borderline.  I mean, I know it’s just because having Justin come into the studio has done wonders for his career and shit that he’s been nice to me, but I’ve never been able to be a dick to him.  It’s just not in me.  

But right now I’m just not sure what to think.  Tarin seems a little concerned, even though she’s lost most of her respect for Kerri at this point.  Tarin isn’t one to worry unless something is serious, and something is telling me she knows more than what she’s letting on.  “Well he’s her boss. He had to have been pissed about yesterday, right?”

“Not pissed enough to keep her in his office all day,” Tarin chuckles.  “David has intentions when he pulls shit like this.”

“Intentions?”

She’s quiet for awhile after that and it makes me even more confused.  It’s seems like I’ve reached a really touchy subject with her and it’s weird because I thought I knew everything about this girl...that she didn’t have a reason to keep anything from me.  It’s a little annoying that she’s decided to tell me some kind of secret now...after we’ve slept together.  But hell, maybe I’m just overreacting.  Maybe I should just give her a chance to tell me what’s on her mind and then make assumptions.  Yeah.  It’s something I need to work on too, not jumping to conclusions.  I tend to do it with the wrong people, and it’s probably part of the reason why my friendships tend to get fucked up from time to time.

“I haven’t really told anybody about it,” she whispers, and takes her hand out of mine.  “It’s weird and I just...I try to forget about what I did.”

I drive off the exit, and soon we are pulling up to our destination.  I look over at her, and she looks so upset, I almost wish we’d gone back to my place first or something.  “Tarin, are..are you okay?”

“Oh yeah.” She shakes her head and sighs before looking at me again.  “I’ll be okay.  We can talk about this later if you want.  I don’t want to spoil dinner.”

I give her a weird look.  “Tarin, you’re not spoiling anything,” I say seriously.  “If you need to talk we’ll talk.  I can turn around, go back home...whatever you want to do.”