She gazes out the window. “Vinceti’s,” she coos. “Trace...how did you remember?”
I’m a retard. I took her here on our first date because I wanted to show off. At the time, it nearly broke my wallet because I was living out of a suitcase on Justin's tour bus. But she absolutely loved it, so it made it all worth it even though Justin broke my balls for the next month because I made him pay for all of my food. “I couldn’t forget,” I mumble, embarrassed.
She turns back to me after a moment. She’s smiling now, whatever she was upset about obviously having been washed away with the realization of where we are. “I can’t believe you went to all this trouble.”
“It wasn’t any trouble,” I reassure her. She pulls my face close to hers after that, and gives me a long slow kiss that nearly makes me want to take her back home so we can do things. But then I calm down. For one, I really want to take her to this place, and well...i want to know what’s on her mind with this whole David thing. A tapping on the window puts a stop to our little make out session though, and I look over to find the valet standing there, ready to take my key from me. Sheepishly, I roll down the window and hand it to him, along with a twenty dollar bill to keep him from making some smart ass comment. I meet Tarin at the door a moment later, and take her hand. “I want us to talk when we get seated,” I tell her quietly. “About David.”
“But Trace...”
I give her a pleading look.
“Ugh, fine.”
The maitre’ d seats us at a quiet table in the back of the restaurant, and I’m thankful that he thought enough to keep us away from the majority of the crowd. In the candlelight she truly looks beautiful, and the best thing about it is that she didn’t spend hours getting ready, she came straight from work. I love natural beauty. It cant compare to any make over. “You okay?”
She nods. “I need a drink.”
I laugh a little. “I think we both do.”
The wine list comes and I get us a bottle of some fancy shit that Tarin points out. I’m not really one for wine at all, and I’m surprised that I actually like it when I try it. It’s another point for her I guess. “So...” I say, after taking another sip. “David.”
She lowers the menu away from her face. “I don’t want this to change things between us,” she whispers. “I mean, I just got you back. I...I don’t want to lose you a second time.”
Hearing her say that makes me feel so awesome inside, that if we weren’t in this swank setting I’d probably start making out with her at the table right now. But I know I can’t do that, so I just grab her hand again and smile at her. “I’m right here,” I promise her. “I’m not going anywhere, all right? I don’t care what happened in the past or anything like that. That’s not important.”
She nods, and looks down at the table for awhile before continuing on. “We fooled around a lot. Pretty much up until you walked into my office that day, Trace. I never had a steady boyfriend after we broke it off, and then you know...i really wanted to get ahead at KISS. David could make that happen so I just went along with what he wanted. I know it’s weird...that was never me when I was around you and Justin. But I needed to do what I had to do.”
If I had known that had been going on I would have made sure it stopped. Fuck, I could have easily gotten her a hook up at a better radio station. Sure, she might have had to relocate and stuff but at least she wouldn’t have had to sleep with that douche bag. “Why didn’t you tell me?,” I say sadly. “I could have helped you out.”
“You were busy with Justin,” she laughs. “I never wanted to burden you with anything, Trace. You know I’ve always been one to take care of myself. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning. We would just hook up on a whim. But then he’d want it all the time and when...I wouldn’t give it to him he would threaten to demote me, or give important events to one of the other girls.”
“And you think he’s going to try that with Kerri?”
“I really don’t know. He could have had his reasons for talking to her all day, but I know David...and I’ve seen the way he looks at her. I feel responsible,” she sighs. “Maybe if I hadn’t been such a bitch to her she would have blown him off.”
I shrug a little bit. Honestly, we were probably both out of line yesterday with how we treated Kerri, but at the same time I think she needed to experience it. She spends way too much time relishing people feeling sorry for her, instead of being her own person and fending for herself. Kerri knew that Tarin wasn’t out to be her best friend from the beginning, so there’s no reason for her to feel bad. “No,” I whisper, looking her in the eye. “You shouldn’t feel bad about anything. Kerri needed to experience our attitudes yesterday. All this shit with her has gone on long enough, you know?”
“I don’t know.” She sighs and looks down at her lap. “I just don’t want David to do things to her that she can’t handle. I mean, I’m really strong. I don’t feel bad about the things he’s said to me or probably will say. But Kerri is on her last nerve half the time. She’s high strung and yeah I don’t really like her all that much, but still...she shouldn’t have to be put through this too.”
“Kerri has a good head on her shoulders.” I know that’s true. Yeah, she may be a mess right now but she knows what to do in her life to protect her from assholes like David Foster. I know she couldn’t be stupid enough to let him manipulate her into his bed. She’s had enough experience with Justin to know better. It’s girls like Melanie, the one’s with no experience that get screwed over in the end. I should probably tell Tarin about Melanie too. How I’m worried about her, just like I’m worried about Kerri and I shouldn’t be. But I dont know. The fact that Melanie is working for Justin like she is isn’t really anybody’s business. I doubt that Lynn or Justin would want me telling an outside party about what’s really going on. I mean, it’s obvious that Justin isn’t working right now and it would be weird to most people that he has some girl living with him. Not that I don’t trust Tarin. I do. I just don’t want her to think something that’s not true, like I did when I first found out about Melanie. I’ll let it go for now...at least until there comes a time when I decide to hang out with Melanie and Justin and my girlfriend at the same time.
“She’s not going to let him conn her into sleeping with him or anything else like that,” I reassure her, squeezing her hand a little bit. “And even if she did sleep with him, it would be on her conscience...not on anybody else’s. I don’t want you to worry about it anymore, all right? Please.” I lean across the table and give her a soft kiss.
She smiles back at me. “All right.”
I’m glad I’ve just put her mind at ease. It makes me feel good to know that I’m the one who’s been able to take the stress off of her shoulders. The only problem is, now I’ve taken that stress on myself. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared for Kerri. Yeah she’s smart but I don’t know how much I fucked her up yesterday. For all I know she could have started to cling to the first person that came along. If she gets hurt...doesn’t that make me responsible? Fuck, I shouldn’t have flipped out on her. But damn it I just had to do it, or I wouldn’t be sitting her with Tarin right now...I’d be home talking to Kerri about how she needs to stop being miserable.
And now more than ever, I realize how much I’ve been missing in my life because I was putting Kerri first.
We order dinner and the rest of the night is pretty normal. We talk about what’s going on in Tennessee. She tells me I should go and if she gets the time off of work, she’d like to come with me. It makes me smile. I’d love to bring her home to my mom, I really think they’d get along well because they’re both really funny and level headed. I drive us back to the radio station after dinner so she can pick her car up, but it takes her awhile to even make it out of my own car because we can’t seem to keep our hands off of each other.
“I have work in the morning,” she laughs as I shove my hand up her shirt and begin to toy around with her bra. “Trace...”
“Sleep over,” I plead. It’s sad, but I find it so much easier to sleep when she’s in bed with me. I wrap my arms around her and doze off...dreaming about how hot she is and how secure I feel with her beside me. Waking up is great too. I try to be quiet, just watching her sleep. It’s great to know that she cares...at least for now, until I do something stupid. But no, I’m not going to anything stupid. This is a new start...right. A new start and I’m going to make it work.
“But I have to work.” She grins. “You want me to be tired at work?”
“No,” I pout. “But I don’t want to be restless tonight either.”
She rolls her eyes, but her smile doesn’t fade. “You’re bringing me to work in the morning.”
I laugh a little, knowing I’ve won yet again and I start up my car. “I know.”
I’ve never driven home so fast in my life, and when we reach the door to my apartment I’m kissing her so hard and touching her so much that I can barely get my key in the door. We kiss frantically, stripping off each others clothing and collapse onto my bed together. We have amazing, passionate sex, that lasts longer and feels better than the night before. I fall asleep with my arms around her, looking into her beautiful chocolate eyes, mumbling sexy shit about her to myself that makes her giggle sleepily and kiss me softly on the face.
And it’s safe to say that I finally have at least one thing in my life going exactly the way I want it to.
*********************
My mom told me she got a letter in the mail a few days ago from Madison. It basically said that she was terminating her status as my shrink as of that date. She said that she hated to do it, but that I wasn’t cooperating and it was obvious that I felt that I didn’t need her help anymore. I didn’t really act like it bothered me. I mean, it sort of did but after the way she pissed Melanie off that day I had an entirely different opinion of her than I originally had. She helped me through a lot though, I can’t deny that. And I know I’ll miss her, but right now my relationship with her is very low on my priority list. Especially now that Trace has decided that our friendship is worth another try.
I had to stare and blink a few times to get myself to believe that Trace was really standing in my living room, asking if we could talk the other day. At first I thought...that I was dreaming. It wouldn’t have been the first time either, because I’ve dreamed up shit like that before. Only in the dream, I would get on my knees and beg Trace to forgive me. Then he would turn into Shane...and unzip his fly...
I didn’t want to talk to Trace at first. I didn’t understand why, after all that time, he would just randomly show up my house ready to talk about what had happened. It’s never been like Trace to give in like that. He’s stubborn enough to never speak to somebody again if they piss him off like I had. I tried to think up something that would give me a hint as to why he was crawling back like that, but I couldn’t think of anything good. The most I could tell myself was that he was lonely, he needed me, and he was just as fucked up without me as I was without him. Still it took me a little while to warm up to him. I didn’t trust his presence for a while. I thought he was going to spring something on me, or ask me to do something I didn’t want to. But when he didn’t...when he didn’t even want to talk about Kerri, just about us, I knew it was the real Trace that had come. He was concerned about our friendship and he didn’t want to lose me. I almost cried. I don’t know why I didn’t.
But now that I have him back in my life, it’s making me nervous as hell. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I’m afraid I’ll piss him off, and he’ll leave. I guess it’s why I’ve been so quiet this morning. I mean, he’s seemed to understand. We’re at the golf center anyway and he knows how hard I like to focus on improving my game. It’s just a damn shame that I can’t hit for shit today. I know I’m trying too hard, and I constantly get the feeling that somebody is watching us. Despite the fact that I had Eric come, and he made sure we got two spots way at the end of the range where nobody can come harass us, I still feel really uneasy. I’m afraid somebody might see me, stalk me...or follow me home. But that’s kind of silly, because I know Eric would never let that happen. And even if somebody managed to...he’d kick their ass before they could get two feet near me.
I wish like hell I’d had him with me back at the bakery.
I took my anxiety medication this morning too, and it’s another reason I know I’m having an issue concentrating. That stuff fucks with my head, makes me feel a little out of place with my surroundings, and I really hate it. I normally don’t take it that much anymore because I haven’t been going out and Melanie didn’t see the need. This morning was the exception. I guess I was shaking. All right, I know I was. But I was just nervous to be alone with Trace after all this time. It didn’t mean she had to force me to take the fucking medication, but she did. She told me she was worried that I’d get too nervous and freak out, and she didn’t want that to happen because Trace had just started coming around again. Sure, I know they aren’t close or anything but she knows how much he means to me. Still, I wasn’t seeing things her way. I swore at her, called her a control freak. Then she told me if I didn’t take my medicine she’d call my mother.
So I did, and I didn’t say goodbye to her when Eric and Trace got to the house.
Serves her right...
Shit. I know I don’t mean that.
“Wow J.” Trace laughs as I whack another dud. “I cant believe I’m actually doing better than you today.”
I look on helplessly as he wails another ball far out into the range. Gritting my teeth, determined to show the fucker up, I hit the next ball as hard as I can. But it doesn’t even go more than five hundred feet. I slouch in defeat. “I can’t fucking focus,” I grunt. “This was a bad idea.”
“Come on man, don’t be like that.” He smiles like he doesn’t have a care in the world and swats another ball. “It’s a beautiful day.”
If it was normal and I’d been hanging out with Trace for all of this time anyway, I’d say that he’s been getting laid really good lately. He looks like he has. Cheesy as fuck smile and sub par golf swing. I mean fuck, it’s gotta be something like that. Trace sucks at golf, he always has. And the fact that I’m off this morning shouldn’t be making him better at this. He’s so fucking nonchalant. Like the fact that we haven’t hung out like this in months isn’t as big of a deal as it should be. “What’s going on with you?,” I question him, coldly. “You’re like high on life...or some shit.”
“What?” He lets out a cocky laugh. “Why should I be miserable? I mean, it’s nice out, I’m doing better than you at a game I almost always suck at, and it’s pissing you off.”
I have to bite my tongue so I don’t end up blurting out some kind of stupid ass comment that’ll get me hollered at and abandoned. I barley acknowledge him. I grit my teeth instead and plant another ball on the ground and bang my club down next to it. I take deep, even breaths and focus on the ball, and something I hate the most. Naturally, Shane pops into mind and I picture the ball as his head instead. I end up hitting the thing clear out of sight and smile triumphantly, resting the club over my shoulder. “Maybe I was just rusty,” I say, eyeing him mischievously.
“I knew I’d put a fire in your ass.” He smirks, as he whacks another ball. “You gotta relax, man. Everything is cool, ya know? Just forget about whatever is bothering you about me, because it doesnt matter. I’m not going to get mad and leave. I know that’s what you’re worried about.”
This is why I hate that he knows me better than anybody. He can read my emotions like a book, figure out what’s wrong with me faster than my own mother can. I know that he probably knew I was raped even before I told him the truth too, even though he probably didn’t want to admit it to himself. It’s hard knowing that we aren’t as close as we should be, and that it’s all my fault. I miss shooting the shit with him like this...carefree. I just can’t be as calm as he is. I keep thinking about everything I’ve said to him, the way I’ve made him feel in the past. It was just so wrong. Even though the Shane thing was pretty intense, there was no reason to go off on Trace like I did. I destroyed the trust he had for me...all the faith he’d put into our friendship. Until that point in time, I think he was positive I was the one person in his life that would never push him to the brink...that I’d always be there, fucked up or not. How could I just say those things to him? How could I act like he could have prevented it?
I have to be the shittiest friend in the world.
And what’s worse is, I’m almost positive he has no idea what really happened that night with Kerri. If he even had an inkling that I put a hand on her, we definitely wouldn’t be here enjoying the day right now. I want him to know the truth. I’m tired of secrets and lies. But I can’t tell him...I just can’t. Things are fine right now. Not perfect...but they’re fine, and it’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve been able to say that and believe it. It’s selfish too, I know, but I want things to stay this way for awhile. It’s helping me keep my emotions in check. And I need that right now, especially with an upcoming trip to Tennessee. “Sorry,” I finally say to him. “It’s just a little weird, you know?”
“Yeah I know.” He reaches into his bucket for another ball. “But you know, I think it’s something we just have to work though. Like, one day at a time. Honestly I think it’s easier that way. We won’t stress as much.” He swats the ball and smiles when it goes a pretty good distance.
“I guess.” I don’t look at him, I just continue on with my game, improving a little bit with each ball I hit. It feels good to do it, and I remember now why I used to come here and hit balls so much. It relieved a lot of my aggression, and I have the feeling that I’ll probably start coming here a lot more after today. I mean, as long as Eric is around that is. But I doubt he’ll mind. I think he might like hanging around with me, at least...he acts like he does. “Hey Eric, can you get us some waters?,” I call to him after awhile.
“Yeah, whatever.” He gets up from his seat, and proceeds to make a call.
r32;Well I thought he liked being here anyway.
“Why don’t you send him home, Justin. We can just chill here and have him come back later to pick us up,” Trace suggests, sensing Eric’s mood.
“No.” I say it quickly and it causes him to sigh. “I...I’d rather have him here.”
He rolls his eyes. “But he’s bored, man. There’s no TV or anything for him to do. Isn’t it kind of fucked up to make him stay here all day?”
“You know what, Trace? He’s getting paid.” I snap.
He’s silent after that.
God I’m such an idiot sometimes.
We hit balls for awhile, in silence. I think we’re both a little aggravated with each other so it’s probably better that we just keep to ourselves. It’s only then that I start to let my mind drift on to other subjects. First it’s Melanie, and this morning...how I yelled at her. But I really don’t want to think about that right now, because its’ upsetting and I know I’m going to have to kiss serious ass when I go home to make it up to her. I’m always doing that too, fucking up and kissing her ass to make up for it. It reminds me a lot of the shit I’d do around Kerri...but with Kerri it was a lot different. For some reason I always knew no matter what I did she’d be fine with it, and she was. She put up with whatever I dished out.
At least until that night...
“Trace.”
“Justin.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek nervously. When I tried to bring up Kerri yesterday, Trace wasn’t having it. But I think maybe that was because he wanted us to focus on our friendship and nothing else. Today though I’m hoping that we can try and talk about her a little bit. I just want to make sure that she’s doing okay, that’s all. I’m not going to beg him to take me to her, or to give me her number. I just want to know that she’s not so far gone that she’s lost all sense of reality...like I used to be. “I just....” I trail off, not being able to get the question out because I’m afraid. I don’t want him to yell at me or anything.
“Justin?”
I manage to look at him, and I’m relieved that he has a smile on his face instead of an angry expression. “Sorry,” I chuckle. “This is lame...I just wanted to know, you know....how Kerri was doing.”
“Fuck, Justin.”
I wince.
“You can’t just wait a few days?”
“I just...,” I sigh and twirl the golf club head against the floor. “I haven’t seen her in so long, and I know that you’ve been helping her out and stuff, that’s all.”
“I wish you’d been this concerned in the beginning,” he frowns.
I look at the floor, immediately being reminded of everything I’ve done wrong since the kidnapping, and how I wish like hell I could go back and change it all. Even if it meant I still had to be raped and live with it, I’d do it. I’d relive the whole thing again if it meant my friends would be okay...that I wouldn’t have had to hurt them like I did.
“Look,” he finally says. “I dont want to get into some kind of argument about her right now. It’s just not worth it, Justin. She’s fine...as fine as she can be. Just leave it at that.”
“Well is she at your house?,” I ask like an idiot. “Maybe you know...you can tell her that you saw me and...”
“Damn it, no.” He throws his golf club down and I jump back a little bit. “She’s fine.”
“You keep saying that,” I say quietly. “But you’re just getting angrier.”
“I’m not getting....God, Justin.” He runs his hands through his hair. “Kerri’s not my favorite person right now. Satisfied?”
I just stare at him for a minute. It’s weird to hear him say that, because he and Kerri have always be close, even when I wasn’t talking to her. They’ve always sort of been each others support when I haven’t really been all there, and to hear him say that about her tells me that something is really wrong. It sends pains right to my stomach and I groan a little bit. “Trace...what happened.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he grumbles, picking up his golf club from the ground. “Things are better this way.”
One thing I’ve always hated, is when he keeps me in the dark about things. I thought he was ready to cut the bullshit and have a normal friendship with me again, so what the hell? His attitude certainly isn’t helping things right now. “I hate when you do that.”
“What?” He gives me a stupid look. “I just don’t feel like talking about it right now. I know you know what that’s like, Justin. You know, since you’ve tended to avoid important topics like the plague in the past.”
“I don’t know why you have to be such a dick.” I roll my eyes and steady another ball on the tee again. “I asked you a simple questi---”
“She’s not living with me!,” he cuts me off, angrily.
I stare at him like he’s speaking a foreign language. “But I thought....”
“Forget what you thought,” he whispers. “She needs help, so she went to live somewhere she could get it. I couldn’t take her shit anymore, Justin. I tried but...I need to have a life too.”
I’m unsure of how to respond. It’s obvious that something happened, and from what I can imagine it was probably ugly. Kerri probably broke down, because of me, and she had to move out of Trace’s and try to fend for herself. I can’t be angry at Trace because I’m sure Kerri was driving him crazy. Still, I’m really worried now. I don’t know where she is, or if she’s doing okay. I feel like its my responsibility to make sure she’s at least surviving. I dont think I could ever forgive myself if something else happened to her. “Where?” I say, the fear in my voice apparent. I’m praying he didnt get her into a place like Orange Valley. Kerri couldn’t handle it. Hell, I couldn’t handle it.
“Some group home,” he grumbles, focusing hard on his swing. “This lady runs it. She seems nice enough, and one of Elisha’s friends is in there too. She’s fine.”
He doesn’t sound like he really cares what happens to her in there, and I shudder a little. “What did she even do to you?” I ask him, more confused than ever. “I mean, you sound like you don’t even care about her anymore.”
“Leave it alone, Justin.”
He gives me a stern warning look, and I should know better to continue pushing the subject with him. It’s obvious he’s still not past what’s happened between himself and Kerri, and I guess it means that this has all happened pretty recently. But I’ll stop before I piss him off any more than I have. If I don’t it could lead into things that he can’t know about and then I’ll really be fucked. “Sorry.”
It takes him a few minutes, but he finally sighs and speaks up again. “It’s cool man.” He gives me a tight smile. “So are you um...going home for Joe’s wedding?”
I love how he’s completely turned the subject around in the matter of a few seconds, but I won’t complain. I’ve gotten enough information about Kerri out of him to keep me somewhat satisfied for the moment, so I’ll do what he says and let it go...for now. “My mom is making me go,” I say, the disgust in my voice apparent.
He swats another ball. “She guilt tripped you huh?”
I shrug a little bit. “I guess you can say that,” I tell him. “Apparently my absence has pissed a lot of people off.”
“Your family cares about you,” he tells me, gently. “Not going home isn’t the answer to all of your problems, Justin. You have to face it sometime. I know it’s hard and it scares you, but fuck...we grew up there. We used to play in the streets all hours of the night in the summertime. You can’t let what happened keep you from going back. It’s like you’re giving up a part of yourself, because of what that bastard did.”
I know he has a point, but just like him with the Kerri thing, I don’t really feel like talking about all this either. The fact that I’ve been ignoring a good part of my family for months now isn’t something I’m proud of, and I have no idea how things are going to go when I see them again. “Now I want to change the subject,” I laugh softly.
He seems to let the awkwardness roll off his shoulders again, as quickly as it came about. “All right, let’s hit some more. You’re starting to get your swing back, and I’m determined to show you up by the end of the day.” He grins and whacks another ball onto the range.
It turns into an all out battle after awhile. If I get my ball farther than his I jump up and down and tell him how much better I am at this than him. Then he’ll spout off some wise ass comment, and I’ll tell him that he’s still lame. For awhile I get lost in it. I feel like he’s my best friend, I was never kidnapped, and we’re just out enjoying ourselves without a care in the world. Then my phone starts to ring and I’m forced back into reality. I groan a little bit, because I really don’t want to be bothered right now. Whenever the damn thing rings lately, it’s always about business and I just want to relax today...not worry about my label, or Johnny being up my ass. “Can you get that?” I give Trace a pleading look.
He looks over at me, and rests his golf club over his shoulder. “Why?”
I scowl. “I’m just not in the mood.”
He rolls his eyes but does as I’ve asked. Once glance at the phone though, and a smile takes over his annoyed expression.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Melanie,” he says, with a cheesy smile.
I sigh. I don’t feel like dealing with her right now, because of how this morning went. I mean, I probably could but I’d end up saying something that I didn’t mean...or I’d just have to listen to her yell at me. “Just answer for me.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because.” I turn back around and start to whack golf balls again, this time with much more force. It’s not until I hear him talking again that I take an interest in their conversation. Don’t get me wrong, I trust him...but he doesn’t know Mel’s moods and how sensitive she can get when she’s angry.
“I’m not weird, the man you work for is weird!,” he laughs and grins into the phone. “What....,” he cracks up. “I’m not asking him that.”
“Ask me what?,” I ask him seriously, curious as to what’s going on right now. I mean it’s weird...hearing Trace joke with her. He’s been out of the picture for awhile, and I know when Trace and Mel met things didn’t go so smoothly. How can they just be all cool and shit so suddenly? It’s surreal, and that’s making me extremely uncomfortable.
“She wants to know how it felt to be in the...what was it Mel?,” he snickers, before looking at me again. “Oh...the twelfth best boyband of all time or something.”
I love when she gets playful, and part of me is relieved. Maybe this means she forgot about this morning, and about how stupid I was. “Gimme the phone.” I crack a small smile as I plod over to him and snatch the phone out of his grasp. “Hey,” I say, turning my back to Trace so he can’t see the smile thats formed on my lips.
“You’ll have to excuse me,” she laughs softly. “I’ve been watching way too much VH1 today.”
I find myself smiling way too hard, and I know it’s a good thing Trace can’t see it because he’d never let me live it down. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, you were a funky looking adolescent Justin. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in a long time.”
“Hey I was just going with the styles of the times,” I chuckle heartily. It’s weird for me too, a couple of months back I would have taken a joke like that to heart and freaked out on her or something. I guess it shows how much my attitude has changed, how much I’m really coming back together mentally. It’s refreshing. I hope it lasts.
“You had shiny hair.”
I crack up. “I know.”
“But anyway I know you guys are busy doing your man business,” she laughs. “I don’t want to keep you, but a woman named Renee called and she wanted to make sure you were still going to your meeting on Monday. She said you would know what I was talking about so she didn’t give me any more details.”
I sigh. Renee is Johnny’s assistant and I’m sorry to say she usually knows more about what’s going on in my career than I do. My mom had mentioned a meeting with Clive to me over the phone a few days ago, and I’m assuming thats what she was calling to confirm. Fuck, I don’t feel like calling her back or making plans. I don’t want to deal with my career right now...at all. I’d rather build a house right here on this golf range and live here forever. But Clive Davis is one of the biggest names in the business and I’d be a complete asshole if I stood him up. I guess I’ll just have to deal with making a phone call back to Renee later on, but fuck...it’s not going to be before I spend more time with Trace and make things right between Melanie and me again. “Yeah, I know what she wants,” I tell her. “I’m supposed to have a business meeting on Monday, I’ll have to call her later.”
“Oh okay,” she says brightly. “Do you need me to call your mom or anything?”
“Nah,” I reassure her. “She’d just tell you to make sure I called or something.”
She laughs again. “Probably. Okay well, I’ll just see you later then.”
It’s crazy that she hasn’t said anything about how I acted this morning, and it makes me feel even worse about the things I said to her. Honestly, I don’t know how she puts up with my stupid, stubborn ass sometimes. Her attitude is so much better than Kerri’s too, because with Kerri she’d just rub the fact that I was failure in my face. Melanie...she just seems to ignore shit and move onto the next thing. It makes me want to just....damn I don’t even know.
It’s like I want to hold her so close sometimes and never let her go.
“Hey,” I say softly, before she can hang up.
“Justin?”
“I was an asshole this morning.”
She’s quiet for awhile, and I even think she may have hung up. But then she speaks up, softly, and I can tell by the tone of her voice that she never forgot about what happened...she was just trying to act unfazed for my sake. “You were nervous,” she says. “It’s not a big deal.”
“I’m sorry, Mel. I really am.”
“Well, I guess I can accept your apology.” I hear her smile through the phone. “What do you want for dinner? I was thinking about fried chicken.”
I know things are okay, that she’s putting what happened this morning behind her. I should probably follow her lead too but I still feel guilty...like I got away with something I shouldn’t have. Still, I know it’s just going to stress her out if I keep on her about it so I’ll quit while we’re both still in a good mood. “Yeah that sounds good. We’re going to hang out for awhile longer but I’ll be home before six.”
“Cool. My soaps about to come on, Justin...I gotta go!,” she exclaims.
“Does Vince find out who killed his mother today?,” I say, intrigued. It’s so lame, but she’s gotten me into this shit with her, and a part of me wanted to blow Trace off today just so I wouldn’t miss the outcome of Days of Our Lives. Something tells me though, that the guy wouldn’t have understood.
“Supposedly. I’ll fill you in later...gotta go.”
She basically hangs up on me and I have to laugh again. Trying to come between Melanie and her soaps is almost like somebody coming between me and my music. I frown a little. Right. Somebody has already done that. But fuck, I’m going to work really hard to save my career. That’s what Monday is about, and I know I have to be on my game and show everyone that I’m still as capable of being in this business as I’ve always been.
“So,” I hear Trace chuckle from behind me. “What’s that all about?”
I make sure the stupid grin on my face has gone back into hiding before I turn to face around to face him again. Honestly I’m kind of surprised he’s acting this way. He barely knows our situation, he’s just automatically assuming that me and Mel want to fuck. It’s weird because he knows the state of mind I’ve been in and I can’t just do shit like that anymore. Hell, maybe he just wants me to be normal again so badly that he’s hoping I’ll give in and tell him that I want to bone Melanie. But I’m not going to do that, because...things aren’t like that with us. We’re friends, we trust each other...that’s all it is. “I told you yesterday that it was nothing.” I shake my head a little and pick up my golf club again.
“Give me a break,” he scoffs. “You were all apologizing to her like she was your girl, minus the ‘babys’ and “I love you’s”
I sigh and try to concentrate on the golf ball, but I find myself wanting to drive it into Trace’s head more than anything. The fact that things have been so fucked up, and he can still be a sarcastic little asshole to me right now is annoying. But I guess I should be happy with that...with any sort of contact from him, because I need him more than he can imagine. “I was shitty to her this morning,” I confess. “I needed to apologize.”
“What’s made her stick with you for so long?,” He asks as he drives another ball out onto the range. “I figured you would have run somebody like her off by now.”
I know he’s not trying to be a dick, he’s just stating facts and fuck, I’m usually asking myself that very same question from time to time. I mean, I know Mel has her issues but I’ve said and done some pretty fucked up things to her and she’s still stuck around. She thinks that we have some kind of connection I guess, or she just feels really sorry for me. Either way Trace has a point. It’s weird that somebody like her puts up with my shit. At the same time though, my attitude has changed alot. Even when I am a dick, I’m not as bad as I was when Kerri was around. “I’m not as big of an asshole,” I mutter. “Despite what you think.”
He frowns and I can tell he knows that was kind of a stupid thing to say to me right now. “Look I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything. I mean, I like Melanie.” He cracks a half smile but when I don’t return it, it vanishes again. “I’m just saying I know how you get,” he whispers. “You latch onto people too quickly. I just...don’t want you to hurt her. I don’t want you to hurt yourself either.”
I know why he’s saying this shit. He doesn’t trust me and he still doesn’t think I have any sort of control over my emotions. I wish he knew how different I am from the person he walked away from a couple of months back. I can think for myself now, I know when I’m being a fuck head and when I’m just letting things get to me too much. But I’m not about to stand here and give him a lecture about all of that. He’s my best friend, he’s supposed to just go with shit. Then again, he needs time to get over everything too. “It would help if you had a little more faith in me,” I tell him with a scowl.
“Hey I know you hate to hear that shit,” he says, a little regretfully. “But no matter what’s gone on between us, I still worry about you, Justin. I admit you’re a doing a lot better, yesterday I was really surprised by how well you were doing, but you can’t expect what’s gone on to be over just like that. It’s a lot to put behind us.”
I don’t say anything, because I feel like he’s about to start rubbing things in my face again. Today wasn’t supposed to be about that. We were just supposed to shoot the shit and drive some balls. I just...can’t stand that everything always has to turn back into a drama fest. What if this isn’t the right thing to be doing? What if I still need space from Trace? But fuck, no...I can’t tolerate that either.
“Shit, Justin.” He laughs after awhile, breaking me out of my uncertainty. “We shouldn’t be having this conversation. I don’t want to argue and I’m sure you don’t either.”
I drive another ball. “I don’t.”
It’s quiet and awkward again, just how I like it. It even gets me to smile a tiny bit. I guess quiet and awkward is better than being annoyed and fighting with him, even if I feel like yelling at him right now...telling him he knows jack shit about what’s been going on. But I won’t. I can’t.
It’s just not worth it.
“So I’m seeing Tarin again.”
That was so random and it causes me to pay attention to him almost immediately. “Huh?”
He just laughs.
Tarin was a girl that Trace dated...I don’t even know how long ago. She was a nice girl, we’d even hooked up a few times before Trace had met her. It wasn’t anything serious of course, just one of those things that happened. I remember being kind of pissed at him when they’d initially gone on a first date, because he’d seen her around and knew she was sort of my property. But I didn’t hold shit against him when they started to like each other and spend more time together. I guess I didn’t want to, because I knew that Tarin was a good girl and would treat him with respect...not use him like so many other girls had in the past. Besides, I’d moved onto...other prospects anyway.
I was such a slut then.
“Tarin, Tarin?” I smile and laugh in disbelief.
“Yeah...” There he goes with that ‘I’ve been getting fucked’ tone of voice again. He drives another ball far out onto the range before continuing. “It’s been great, Justin.”
“Is she still good in bed?” I can barely believe I just said that. It’s almost like the old version of myself is slowly creeping back out, and it’s weird. Maybe its because thinking about Tarin brings back alot of old memories of Me and Trace...about my old days with NSYNC when I didn’t have to worry so much about what everybody fuckin thought about me. I kind of melt back into it. I want to stay here too, but I’m sure I wont be able to for long.
He laughs out loud. “Man, you know her...the girl is crazy. It’s good though, you know? She’s great, we talk and stuff. It’s a lot deeper than before. But we didn’t have as much time before to talk about shit. I was always on the move and so was she.”
“That’s really great, Trace.” I’m really happy that he’s started dating. It’s a good strong sign that he has control of his life again, that I didn’t fuck him up so bad that he’s turned into an unrecoverable mess. And if Tarin Sommerville is the same girl I remember, I doubt she gives him a chance to dwell on shit or be miserable. “We should hang out sometime, you know? It would be nice to say hi.”
“Oh yeah,” he says, not taking his focus off his ball. “I was thinking about asking you, I just didn’t know when.”
I nod a little and it’s quiet again. I start to think about Mel. How cool our relationship is becoming and...how much I’ve been thinking about her lately. Not just when we’re hanging out either but...other times. Like late at night when I’m in bed I’ll lie awake and think about her. How I’m starting to really like her smile, and the way her eyes light up when she’s really passionate or excited about something. How I love her hugs, how fucking safe I felt when she fell asleep on my chest that night. Maybe I can tell Trace all of that now, since he’s opened up to me about his new relationship and all. It’ll probably cause him to call me a fucker since I blatantly denied having feelings for her just a few minutes ago. But me denying it probably made him think I was lying anyway. Oh hell... “Lately...”
I start to confess my innermost secrets to him, like I’ve been longing to for months but I have to stop, because I can sense it. I feel like I’m being watched now and it causes me to turn around. I feel my skin crawl when I see a black SUV with tinted windows parked in the lot, its passenger side facing the spot I’m standing in. The window is rolled down part way, but I see no faces, only a large camera lens peeking out. “Son of a bitch,” I grunt.
“Huh?” Trace turns around to find out what it is that’s distracted me, and after a moment I hear him sigh. “Fuck.”
Paparazzi only started to be a big issue with me after Britney and I had broken it off. At first I didn’t mind it, just because my solo album had been in the works and I needed some free publicity. But when they started to fucking stalk me, I began to realize just why it was that most of my friends in the business avoided them like the plague. I think the thing that really helped me to develop a strong hatred for them was how they camped out on my moms lawn after the kidnapping, trying to get a fucking shot of me in my worst moment. We had to get half the police force out to the neighborhood to keep them away, and ever since then I’ve prayed that I haven’t had a bad run in with them. I was with Kerri once when they’d stood outside a store we were shopping in, and while Eric had managed to get them away from us before they could do any real damage, it still freaked me the hell out. Right now is no different. It terrifies me that somebody could find out where I am. Who told them? And why?
“I need to get out of here, Trace,” I manage to rasp out after a few moments. I feel a tightness in my chest, and it’s getting kind of hard to breath the right way. “Please.”
But it seems that Eric is too quick for the both of us. Without another moment of hesitation he tells Trace to carry my bag and grips me by my upper arm. Within seconds I’m in the comforts of tinted windows and leather interior, Trace seated beside me. I’m still having trouble breathing, and I think I can hear Trace start to tell me some story about the weekend and puking in the toilet but I can barely hear him. I close my eyes, trying to get the horrible, paranoid thoughts about that black truck following me home out of my head. I picture Melanie, her smile, and the fact that she’s probably sitting on my couch, feather duster in hand watching a soap opera. It starts to calm me.
“Justin.”
I open my eyes, to meet Trace’s concerned expression. It’s the first time since the kidnapping that I’ve freaked out and he hasn’t completely panicked. He’s just staring, smiling a little bit, waiting for me to say something. He doesn’t know it, but just by doing that he’s made me feel a thousand times better about what just took place. “I’ll be okay,” I whisper.
“You sure?”
Eric turns over the engine and speeds away, not saying a word to either of us. Really, I’m not surprised. I mean, he was annoyed enough with today as it was without this coming into play. Still I’m glad he was around just then. I don’t even know what would have happened if he hadn’t been there to drag me back to the car. I probably would have had some kind of mental breakdown...and Trace would have had to deal with the crappy details of it. “Yeah,” I reassure him again, with a slight smirk. “Do you get why I wanted Eric to stay now?”
He rolls his eyes. “You would have been fine, Justin.”
I don’t answer him because I know I’ll just get more pissed off when he says something stupid in response. I sigh and cross my arms, sinking lower into the seat. I try to clear my mind of all the insecurities and issues today has brought about, but its so quiet...Trace isn’t even looking at me anymore either. He’s got his phone now, and he’s texting away and smiling to himself. I guess he’s got more of a life now. Good for him...yeah. I just wish I could be that carefree.
We hit traffic and I try to sleep, but of course it doesn’t work. Trace talks on his cell phone at one point for the longest time. His voice is a little more than a whisper but I hear him laughing from time to time and all I can think about is how happy he is and how fucked up I still am. I want to punch something, but I don’t. I can’t. So I sit and stare some more, until we finally pull up to my house again. Eric buzzes us in, and I feel just a tiny bit better when I hear Mel cheerfully welcome us back through the speaker. The gates swing open and before I know it we’ve stopped and Trace has gotten out of the car. I don’t move. For some reason I just can’t seem to do it. My mind is swimming, I’m a little numb... A little sick.
What the hell is going on with me? I was fine.
“J.”
I turn my head. Trace and Eric are standing there, looking at me through the open back door. With another sigh, I take my seatbelt off and slide out of the car.
“Y’all gonna be okay?” Eric says, opening the drivers side door again. “I have plans tonight so if you are going out, give Tiny a call a’ight?”
Trace speaks up for me when I just stare at him. “We’ll be fine.” He gives him a pat on the back and tells him not to worry about anything.
Eric gives me a final concerned glance before telling me he’ll see me Monday when he picks me up for my meeting. I barely say good bye. I’m just aggravated with him. Lately he’s been acting like I’m more of a pain in the ass than I should be, and I really hate that. Fuck, maybe I’ll just tell him to stop coming around...but my mom would probably kick my ass.
“You want me to come inside for a little?,” Trace asks, once we reach my front door. “I have time.”
I know I could say yes, and he and I could spend the rest of the day playing pool or my x-box. It sounds semi relaxing too, but I don’t know...right now I just feel like a mess and I want to be alone. “Nah it’s cool,” I say softly, pushing the door open. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Go be with your girl.”
He seems slightly let down by my answer, but he doesn’t allow me to sense his mood for long. “You’re going to be okay,” he gives me a reassuring smile. “They were just photographers.”
I know he means well, but I don’t really think he gets it. I mean, they found out where I was. If they could...anybody could. But I won’t start in. It’s bad enough that I put him through my mini meltdown a little while ago. “Yeah I know.” I force a smile. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I close the door in his face and it makes me cringe, but I know I can’t turn back. I figure he’ll understand. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? I’m used to him turning his back on me anyway.
“Hey.”
She’s standing there in the archway leading into the kitchen, hair up in a messy ponytail, small little smile on her face. It smells like fried chicken and apple pie and it’s obvious she’s been working on dinner for awhile now. Part of my insecurities fade away as I make my way towards her. “Hey, Mel.”
“How was it?”
I make my way past her into the kitchen, and grab a Snapple out of the refrigerator. “It was cool,” I say, trying not to sound lame. “We talked and stuff, nothing big.”
“Well that’s nice.” She rubs my back a little as she squeezes past me over to the oven. “Why don’t you get settled, it’ll be done soon.”
I try, I really do. I smile a little, sit down at the table and sip on my juice. She starts to go on and on about the Days of our Lives episode I missed, and I really try to pay attention because I wanted to know what happened. But I just can’t focus properly. The vision of that SUV is still clear in my mind,the people inside of it watching my every move, violating me like...he did. Then I start to see other things, hear voices...hear his voice. “Fuck.” I say, not being able to contain myself any longer. I rise up from the table, feeling sick to my stomach suddenly.
“Justin?” Melanie says, wide eyed. “Wh-what’s wrong?”
I can’t even answer her, because I know I’m about to puke all over the place. I high tail it into the bathroom around the corner from the kitchen and proceed to vomit into the toilet. It’s horrible, and I can hear Shane’s laugh in the back of my head the entire time. I feel so stupid...fuck, I could cry. Fuck, I think I am crying.
“Justin....”
Her hand is rubbing my back now, and I just...god, I don’t want to be touched right now. After a minute I manage to stop getting sick and look over my shoulder. “Stop,” I rasp. “Don’t touch me.”
She backs away from me slowly, but I’m too busy getting sick to really care how she feels. It takes awhile for me to stop vomiting, and I’m on my knees, shaking, by the time its all over. I know I must look horrible, and the smell has got to be bad. I’m surprised Melanie is even still in here...but she is. She’s sitting by the tub, magazine in hand, just staring at me. I cough a little and put my head in my hands.
“Can I help?,” she whispers after awhile.
I shrug but I don’t answer her, and I don’t look up at her either.
“Here.”
I hear the faucet running and a moment later she taps me and I force myself to make nice for her sake. I look up and accept the glass of water she’s been holding out for me to take. “Thanks.”
“Did you eat anything today?,” she asks me, concerned. “If you have food poisoning we should probably go to the....”
“It’s not that,” I say quickly. “Nothing like that.”
“Well you must have gotten sick for a reason, Justin.”
It takes me a few more minutes of staring down at the gray tile covering the floor to muster up the courage to confess the truth to her. “There were photographers at the golf range.” I’m semi proud of myself for getting that out, but really...it was nothing more than a hoarse whisper.
Her concerned expression turns into an angry one almost immediately. “Seriously?”
I just nod.
“Fuck.” She shakes her head roughly and runs her hands through her hair. “Justin....I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” I chuckle sadly and cough a little bit, before taking another sip of the water. “It just freaked me out, that’s all.”
She stares at me for a few moments, then cautiously sits down beside me on the floor, reaching out to the flush the toilet on her way down. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to do any of this,” she says, staring at the floor. “You’ve told me about how much anxiety you have, and I just...in my mind, I think its better if you face your fears rather than hide from them. I should have listened to you more.”
My hand has latched onto hers before I know what’s happening. We both stare at each other for a few awkward moments before it finally hits me that I should say something. “You’re not doing anything wrong.” I try to sound positive. “I mean, it’s been months. I should be over this already,” I chuckle. “It’s just me being weak and stuff, thats all. I don’t expect myself to act like this anymore. I guess things have just been...better, I haven’t been scared like I was before.” I look into her eyes, knowing in my heart that its all because of her, this simple girl, that I’ve stopped being as big of a mental case as I have been. I like it too...staring into her eyes.
I could do it all day.
“Better yeah but you aren’t a hundred percent. You’ll...never be.”
Story Tags: justinandtrace
