You’re a pretty girl....
I stand here frozen, barely breathing as I peer through a crack in the doorway. Those four words won’t stop repeating themselves in my mind, and each time they do his voice starts to sound more and more appealing, convincing. It’s soft and eloquent, like he could never do anything in this world to hurt me. I know I should run away, make up some excuse that I’m not well...that I need to go somewhere and get my head together.
I’m in too far.
I’m practically addicted now.
I decided to mop the bathroom floor when he retreated downstairs earlier. I guess I was afraid some of his puke had gotten on the floor, and the last thing I wanted was to catch one of the pups licking it up or something. They’re gross enough as it is, sniffing each others behinds and rolling around in the backyard all the time. Just the other day I had to give them both a flea bath because I’d caught them romping around in some bushes near Justin’s basketball court. I swear, it’s like raising kids. I know I could complain more too, but Justin has been doing his share of the work with them for the most part, like getting up to walk them and stuff. I’m actually kind of surprised, but then again I know they bring him comfort, and help him to forget about certain things on his mind if only for a little while.
It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, having the dogs. The boy is a little bit more rambunctious than the girl, but I guess that’s to be expected. It took Justin a couple of days to come up with names for the two of them, and in the end I ended up going to the bookstore to buy one of those books with baby names so we could narrow the choices down. We’d sat on the couch late one night, one dog in each of our laps, flipping through the pages of the book together . Justin told me that he wanted both of the dogs names to start with the same letter, like twins. Of course, I’d laughed at him and told him that they weren’t kids, but then he’d pouted so naturally I went with his idea, despite its cheesiness. In the end we’d somehow ended up with the name Buckley for the boy and Brennan for the girl. Justin said Buckley stood for Jeff Buckley, who we both agreed was a “kick ass musician”. Brennan’s name didn’t really have much of an explanation. Justin figured it just had a nice ring to it, and I wasn’t complaining. After all, they were just dogs names.
The process was nothing compared to dealing with Justin’s less that cooperative best friend a few days later.
I’ll admit, Trace isn’t as big of a jerk as I’d originally thought in the beginning. He’s just...so opinionated, and random. He walks around like he’s free and clear to do whatever he pleases around Justin, with his home, and his property. Although I know its partially Justin’s fault for never having the locks changed on Trace once they’d stopped talking, it wasn’t an excuse for him to walk in the house unannounced and give me a heart attack. Still, I think I’m starting to get the hang of Trace and his personality. I know now, that he’s really missed being around Justin, and even though I know he’d never admit it, he feels really guilty for not being there for him like he should have been. I’ve decided to accept the whole situation though. I figure if Justin can put all the stuff that happened between them somewhat behind him, I really have no reason to hold a grudge against Trace either. Deep down, I even get the feeling we could become good friends if given enough of a chance.
But I won’t rush things. For the time being, I want Justin to be able to rekindle his relationship with Trace, even if that means I have to simply linger in the background most of the time. It’s a good thing that things are starting to turn around for him. It means I’m doing a good job. I’m helping him to change his life and turn himself around, and that’s what Lynn really needed my help with all along. Hell, soon he may not even need me...wait...
But then I’d have to leave.
I tend to forget how far I’ve sank, how I basically wait for him to come home sometimes like the puppies do. It’s like everything my gut and instincts have told me don’t matter anymore. Justin is different. He doesn’t scare me like all the other men in the world do. It’s crazy how safe I feel when I’m around him. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. More than one person involved with Justin’s past has warned me about him...that he’s manipulative and selfish. And I mean, I’ve seen that side of him. I’ve been around for his moods, I’ve let him treat me like a piece of shit, and I still haven’t walked away. That’s something I can’t explain, so I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s different and I need to figure out why that is. Maybe it’s because we’ve both been through hell, and despite the fact that neither of us has completely opened up about what happened to the other, we can just sense that it was horrible.
We’re in the same situation, I’m just a little saner.
Besides Susan, nobody else I’ve ever known has been able to relate to me about my rape like this. It’s like I don’t even have to go into detail, I don’t have to tell him what exactly happened to me, he just knows how much pain I keep locked inside of me. Sometimes he’ll hug me when he senses I’m down and I let him. I can feel his muscles tense up too. I know there’s things about touching me that make him really uncomfortable, but I never let on to it in front of him. I know it has a lot to do with what happened to him, and so I figure if he doesn’t push me for more information as to why I’m distant or sad sometimes, I shouldn’t push him about his past either. He lets bits and pieces come out about it, like how he’s terrified of going anywhere near his hometown, his issues with Trace, and whoever Kerri is. A lot of the time I feel like I’m better off not even knowing. Like, there’s this feeling in my gut telling me it’s not beneficial for me to know more, that there’s something lurking in the midst that I want no part of...
It freaks me out.
I spoke to Lynn a couple of days ago about taking a trip to see a friend next weekend. Part of me wanted to tell her about Susan and the home, but I decided against it. I knew she didn’t know about that part of my life, and I was afraid that if she found out she wouldn’t want me to be around Justin anymore. I wouldn’t blame her of course. Justin is enough of a mess as it is without another nut case added into the mix. I felt really bad lying to her though, almost as bad as I felt keeping the whole Justin smashing his room episode a secret. But I guess it was the selfish part of me taking over. I didn’t want to lose Justin, because although I hate to admit it, I’ve been saner the past few weeks simply because of him. He keeps my mind off of what that asshole did to me, he gives me a reason to smile and laugh, and nobody has done that for me in a really long time. Yes, I’m addicted to Justin. In what exact way I have no idea. All I know is that it hurts when he’s not here, and the very thought of not seeing him every day kills me inside.
But Lynn was happy to hear that I finally wanted to take some time off. She said it was completely fine if I wanted to take a long weekend for myself. So I’m going to go and spend next weekend at the home with Susan. It’ll be really good to talk to her in person I think. I’m actually hoping she can help me with my Justin issue. Maybe she can tell me why I suddenly seem to need him around all the time. I’m hoping its just some kind of mental disorder she can cure with a pill or two. I’m hoping that...I’m hoping that she won’t tell me I’m falling in love. Not only is that ridiculous, but I know Justin would never ever go for someone like me. Yeah being secluded in the house with me is one thing, but once he gets going and settles back into his busy lifestyle he’s going to figure it out, he’s going to be able to see what he’s been missing all this time. I’m sure I won’t matter to him anymore.
I haven’t told Justin I’m taking next weekend off yet. I really doubt it’ll matter all that much though. He has Trace, and Lynn said she was going to take a trip out and spend the weekend with him anyway. I think It’ll be good for him to spend a weekend without me. Maybe he can stop acting weird, like before, when he told me I was a pretty girl. I mean, god, what was that anyway? I guess Trace was putting some crazy thoughts into his head at the golf range, and I’m not really surprised. I’ll probably yell at him about that when I see him again. But still, Justin was acting really weird before. I felt like he really thought I was a pretty girl for a moment or two, and it wasn’t just Trace’s words influencing him. I sensed it in his eyes, in his soft little smile. He was staring at me like I was some great wonder of the world, and I’ve never seen Justin look at me that way before. For a moment I felt warm inside, then I started stuttering like an idiot, and then I almost knocked a plate of food to the floor. Of course the moment was ruined. Yeah, leave it to me.
I know I’m horrible, standing here peering at Justin through a crack in the door. I just can’t help myself though. The basement door was still open when I walked by, and I could hear his music playing softly from somewhere down below. It got me curious. It’s not often that Justin talks about his career, and when he does it’s usually in a negative light. I hadn’t really let it hit me that I’d never see him sing, or play around with his studio equipment before. I guess...he’d stopped doing all of that for awhile. I’ve never really been a big fan of popular music. I usually listen to some indie rock or eighties music. Jeff Buckley is actually one of my favorite artists too, and so I was really surprised when Justin mentioned his love of Jeff’s music to me. It meant we had a little bit more in common than I originally thought, and I guess I’ve kind of underestimated Justin a little bit. I know the music he performs is very modern pop/r&b top forty stuff. But I’ve never really asked him what influences him, or who some of his favorite artists are. Actually, I haven’t asked him much about his interests at all. Things have been too awkward to get into stuff like that....well, up until now anyway. I guess now a new door has opened. We’re actually pretty close and I guess that gives me grounds to ask him stupid shit like what his favorite movie is, and if he’d rather go see the Stones or Vanilla Ice.
But doing that is only going to make me like him more, and I don’t know if I can afford to. The closer I get to him the more unreliable I become as a supportive source. Lynn can’t afford for me to be a mess over her son, so I have to get my act together before it’s too late. Right now in this moment though, I know I can do no such thing. I’m peering through the crack in the door, like a stalker, watching him as he plays the piano and quietly sings to himself. There’s so much passion in it, like nothing I’ve ever seen him do before. He seems to pour his heart and soul into each note he plays and each lyric he sings, and I can see why his record company is pressuring him into working again. He’s beautiful when he sings too. He looks at peace with himself, like he’s okay, like he’s almost living a different life. I just wish I could give him this, I mean, allow him to live him this way all the time. I guess I should be happy that he’s actually down here working right now though. I know he wouldn’t be if I hadn’t pushed him to get out of bed and start living again. I’m actually proud of myself, for the first time in a long time. That’s saying something too...
It means he’s saving me from self destruction.
There’s a light bark and a whine down by my feet and I could kill myself for not closing the door behind me when I came down here. I look down and spot the two puppies just before Buckley pushes the door open the rest of the way with his nose. I squint in the new light, and frown as the dogs run around Justin’s piano and yap at his heels. He seems shocked at first, but then laughs a little bit when he sees me standing before him.
“Who’s stalking who now?,” he laughs, and reaches down to scratch Brennan on her head.
“I’m uh...sorry,” I reply, sheepishly. I’m sure my face is twelve different shades of red at the moment, and I’d like nothing more than to clamber back up the stairs and start to mop some other part of the house. But his smile has me frozen in place. I cant’ take my eyes off of him, and I know he knows it too. God, I’m such a fool.
“I never thought you’d have the guts to spy on me, Melanie.”
He shoos the dogs away, barking an order for them to get up the stairs, and they race away. I look at him in amazement. They’re never that obedient with me. “How did you...”
“It’s my charm.” He says, with a smile.
I cross my arms over my chest and roll my eyes at him. “Somehow I doubt that Buckley and Brennan care about your charm, Justin.”
He shrugs. “It got you to come down here didn’t it?”
“That wasn’t your charm,” I say, much too quickly. I’m getting nervous. I can feel myself start to tremble just slightly. I shouldn’t be acting this way. I’ve been here way too long, and I’ve forced myself to be comfortable when I’m around him. Why are things suddenly changing now? Why am I seeing him in this new light, like...that he’s some kind of awesome being? It’s only Justin, right? I mean, right now his smile looks great and he...he looks really great. All collected and together, nice shave, nice hair, nice clothes...
I have issues.
“Then what was it, retard? It couldn’t be my stench.” He chuckles to himself as he beings to toy with his piano again. “I dont’ have body-yy odor-rr,” he sings. “I buy-yy smells-s be gone-e on the regular-rr.”
I cover my face and laugh until I feel like I’m going to pee my pants. It’s terrible. I’m entirely too easily amused and I’m sure Justin thinks there’s something wrong with me right now. I try so hard to make myself stop laughing too, but when I look up at him again, I realize that he’s laughing just as hard. “It shouldn’t be so funny,” I say, through my laughter. “It was actually pretty lame.”
“I know,” he sighs and wipes the laughter tears from his eyes. “I guess it goes to show that we need to laugh more and get out a hell of a lot more.”
He’s right. I mean the laughter part is probably doable. I have a feeling that things are starting to get a lot less tense, and there will be a lot more laughter than tears between us in the near future. The whole getting out thing is probably unrealistic though. I mean, he’s starting to do some things with Trace and that’s good but I know how afraid he still is about going out in public. As for me, I don’t venture out on my own unless its necessary. If we need something for the house, or Justin needs me to take him somewhere or get him something I’ll do it because I know I have to. But as far as simply getting out and doing something random...I can’t remember the last time I did anything like that. Going out in public still scares me, despite the fact that my rape happened years ago. I guess it’s something that will always stick with me. It’s just a downfall of the situation. I wish I could explain how I feel to Justin too, but I just...I’m not ready. Hell, I don’t think he’s ready either.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I say softly, not looking in his direction. I glance around the studio quickly. I’ve never taken the time to come down here and look around, not even to clean. I guess I was afraid. I didn’t want to meddle around down here because I never saw Justin go down anyway, so I just left it alone. I can tell it needs a little bit of dusting here and there, but otherwise the room seems fine. His studio is immaculate of course. I wouldn’t even want to know how much he spent having it installed, because I’d probably feel sick to my stomach. It’s a musicians wet dream though, that I can tell. One side of the room has a wall that stretches the length of the studio, adorned with various plaques, gold, and platinum records. There’s a few shelves lining the wall with some trophies on them too. It’s weird. It’s like there’s been a whole other side to Justin being kept hidden down here from the world. He’s so accomplished, the complete opposite of what I ever thought he was in the beginning. It’s almost overwhelming, I almost feel like I don’t belong.
“Come sit, Mel,” he says lightly. “You’re staring to scare me, staring at the walls like that.”
I don’t meet his request right away. I’m afraid of what will happen if I sit next to him like that too quickly. I might act like an idiot, stare at him or giggle like a dumb ass. I need to calm myself for a couple of minutes at least, before taking that step. So instead, I wander across the room to his shelves filled with trophies, and study them curiously. “Justin,” I sigh, as I come upon a trophy shaped like an moon man with the MTV logo embedded into the rock surface. “This is really dusty.” I go to touch its little flag, so I can wipe off some of the dust with my finger to prove my point, and immediately wish I hadn’t. The little flag detaches itself from the moon man’s hand at my touch, and I gasp. “Oh no,” I whimper. Right. Great, Melanie.
It takes me a minute or two to realize that Justin isn’t flipping out over what I’ve done. Instead, he’s sitting there, laughing at me like I just performed the funniest act in the world. “Mel, it goes back. Just relax, and put it up so you can come sit.”
Now that I feel like a complete imbecile, I quickly put the flag back, feeling a little bit relieved when I find that it goes right back into place. I quickly walk over to his spot at the piano, and eye the empty place on the bench cautiously before taking a seat beside him. It takes me awhile, but I finally manage to look at him again. He’s still laughing at me a little bit, and I frown.
“Come on,” he nudges me a little bit, playfully. “Don’t get all uptight on me right now. I just sang you a song about body odor.”
It gets me to lighten up a little bit, and I let out a carefree chuckle. “Sorry.” I clear my throat a little bit. “I just thought I broke your shiny award.”
“It’s just a thing.” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t have went ballistic, I just woulda made you bake me something.”
“You’re really obsessed with my cooking,” I laugh at him, and nudge him back. “It’s kind of sad.”
“I can’t deny it,” he smiles, as he plays a few random chords on the piano. “It’s the closest thing to home I have right now.”
He continues to play, but I don’t say anything. It’s made me feel a little awkward hearing him say that, and just by glancing at him I know he feels awkward too. His shoulders are a little more rigid now, and the playfulness has left his expression.
“So Mel.”
I snap to attention. “Uh, yeah?”
“That meeting on Monday I told you about, it’s kind of detrimental to moving on with my career you know?”
“Yeah.” I say stupidly, a blank, unknowing expression on my face.
He stares at me seriously, like he’s debating whether or not to go on with the conversation or not. “Well I thought since you’re down here you could maybe, uh, help me out with something.”
Flashes of inappropriateness enter my mind. I feel horrible about it. I can’t believe I even took what he just said this much out of context. “LIke what?,” I say softly, a hint of caution escaping into my voice.
“Well I have this song I have to present to Clive Davis and Johnny,” he explains. “And you’re an unbiased third party. So I figure if you hear it and you think its god awful, I’ll know its not the right song to present to them.”
I sit there in silence, staring at him for a few moments. Really, I’m not thinking about anything he just said. I’m back to those inappropriate thoughts again, trying to get them out of my head. I’m really too far gone. I’m going crazy. I really need to be put on medication again.
“Mel?”
My eyes go wide, realizing he’s been waiting for me to say something. “Huh?”
He eyes me suspiciously. “Do you want to hear the song? I mean if this is boring to you I’ll understand. It’s not a big deal.”
He’s smiling but I can tell it’s forced. I know he really wants my opinion about this song of his, and I’m an idiot for not being able to focus. Of course I want to help him. It seems that my whole reason for living right now is to help him. “I’m...i’m sorry, Justin.” I laugh nervously. “My mind is just all over the place right now. Of course. I’d love to hear it. I barely know anything about this side of you.”
He looks down at the piano again and licks his lips, a sad, sorrowful expression taking the place of his carefree one. “I barely do either, anymore.”
I feel weird about saying anything, so I don’t. I feel like he doesn’t need me to at the same time. He just knows I understand, and a part of that idea makes me feel really good, but it also makes me wish I could make all of his problems go away. I know thats impossible too, and really I’d never think this way about anybody else. My logic behind issues like Justin’s has been the same for years....that you have to work through them. I never feel sorry for people, I dont even feel sorry for myself. I just push myself to be better. With Justin I’m starting to feel so much different though. It’s like....it kills me that he has to hurt so much.
I just don’t understand.
He doesn’t give me warning before he starts to play his song for me, he just gets right down to it. It’s a slow, sultry melody, but just upbeat enough not to bore somebody to death. At the first words he sings, I’m already visioning young teenage girls sitting in their rooms or on the bus swooning to the sexy ballad. The lyrics are heartfelt and realistic, and I don’t understand just why it is that somebody who can do so much with music has been allowed to simply dwindle away in his house like this. It’s just not fair. And I’m just not going to tolerate it anymore. He’s got to get out, he’s got to get his life back together a hundred percent, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to help him.
“So um, what did you think?”
I was so enveloped in my own thoughts, I hadn’t even realized the song ended. I stare at him, my mouth hanging open slightly. I literally have no words. I’m floored. I’m as bad as his rabid teenage fans are, and it’s embarrassing.
When I don’t say anything he chuckles softly and looks away from me, disappointed. “It’s lame, right?”
“What? No!,” I gasp. “I mean it was fucking...no...I mean, it was nice.” I feel my face getting hotter. I’m a mess, and it’s very bad. I need to leave. I’m sure Justin is getting the idea that something is up, and I’m probably going to start making him feel really uncomfortable. How the hell am I helping him? I”m not. I”m going to dig us into a deep hole that we wont’ be able to get out of.
But he barely seems to care about my reaction. All he can do is smile, and lean in a little closer to me. “DId it make you swoon?” He plays a silly chord on the piano and bites his lip.
I roll my eyes, trying not to show how flustered I am. “Shut up, Justin.”
“Oh so that’s a yes,” he says slyly.
“Whatever,” I laugh. “You know you’re a swoon machine.”
“Yeah I know. I just wanted to hear you admit it.”
“Please!” I laugh louder this time and shake my head. I feel a little less tense now because he’s being silly. The seriousness of the conversation has ended, at least for now and it’s helping me to melt back into my normal Justin mode. I’m not thinking of him in...that way right now, and hopefully I won’t have to for the rest of the day.
“So,” he continues, the sly smile still on his face. “What’s so swoon worthy about me, Mel? Is it my smile, my eyes, my sexy tenor singing voice?”
“No I’d say it was your laugh,” I blurt out, like I have a silly crush on him. Okay, I just failed. I’m a moron. It’s official. I’m officially in a hole.
His smile gets softer, and he stares at me for awhile. So long in fact, that I find myself looking down into my lap and doing that nervous picking at my nails thing I tend to start when I’m really uncomfortable around somebody.
“Here, give me your hands.” I hear him say.
My eyes get wide and I look up at him. “Huh? Why?”
He laughs a little bit. “Come on, you don’t trust me?”
I’m about to say no but I have to bite my tongue. I mean, of course I trust him...just not, in that kind of touching aspect. But I don’t trust anybody when it comes to that kind of stuff. Strangely enough though, I end up nodding a yes in the end and I allow him to take my hands and place them on the piano keys. Then he puts his hands on top of mine and he guides them along as we play a simple little melody. For the second time, I’m literally touching Justin and I’m not scared. Yeah, I’m a little nervous but that’s a given. The most important thing is that I trust him, I feel safe with his body close to mine and his hands touching my hands. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel too, but he wouldn’t really understand and I know I cant tell him why I’m so insecure about men in general. So I’ll just go with it, savor the moment...until it ends.
And it does end, but I can’t move. I’m numb. He completely caught me off guard there. I never knew he could be so gentle, so understanding of me. I can’t even take my hands off the keys because his hands are still on top of mine. I look up at him then, and he’s staring back at me silently. His playful smile is gone. He’s gone back to staring at me strangely, like he was doing earlier. His gaze is more paralyzing now than before though. It’s like we have this connection. We don’t even have to say anything to each other, we just know. But sadly, neither of us is willing to admit it to the other. I start to wonder what he really thinks of me. If I could possibly that attractive to him...
“Mel,” he whispers.
I barely make eye contact with him. “Yeah?”
He takes his hands off of mine finally, but catches me by surprise again when he brushes the hair away from my face and gently smoothes his thumb over my cheek. The look in his eyes is something I’ve never, ever seen before. It’s scaring the crap out of me.
He smiles a little and chuckles softly, probably because he can tell how bewildered I am right now. “I...”
I don’t let him get any more words out. I pull away from him and jump up from the bench quickly. “Night!” I call to him as I run back upstairs, away from weirdness, away from his touch, and away from his smile. I race past the pups who were waiting so patiently by the door. I run through the house, through the kitchen, out the door and across the yard. I don’t stop until I’ve reached my place of solace, pushing the door closed with my back and sliding down to the floor. My heart is racing, and I can feel a silly smile making its way onto my lips. I laugh a little, trying to catch my breath. I have an incredible feeling inside of me right now. It’s so incredible in fact, that I have no idea what to make of it. I can’t define it, and I can honestly say I’ve never felt this way before in my life. I try to make sense of what just happened, and I try to figure out if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I just can’t though, because nothing that just happened makes sense. I mean christ, this isn’t how I’m supposed to be acting! God, where the hell is my brain?
I frown. The incredible feeling dies down after awhile. Now I just feel...empty and confused. My tears come quickly. I think I feel Morgan make her way onto my lap, snuggling against me because she’s missed me all day. I reach out for her, thankful when I’m right about her presence and I pull her close to me. I cry so hard, harder than I have in a great while. Nothing makes sense right now. I could have kissed him, I almost did. I’ve completely slipped away and I promised myself that I wouldn’t do this. I want to run far, far away tonight. Pack a bag and be gone without an explanation. But I know it’s too late for all of that now. I had my chance weeks ago when Justin was still a miserable bastard, brooding in his room. Things have changed and now I’m in too deep. We've grown too close, and somebody is going to get hurt.
There’s nothing I can do about it, and that leaves me feeling more hopeless than I have in a long time.
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Story Tags: justinandtrace
