I thought I’d learned a lot about the music business by being out on the road with Justin those couple of summers my parents allowed me to join him and Trace on tour. It seemed so easy, despite Justin’s constant griping about how tired he was. People seemed to cater to him and the rest of the group like they were royalty and a small part of me always thought he was kind of lame for bitching as much as he did. But I guess I just couldn’t see the job through Justin’s eyes, so that sort of made me wrong. He was dancing around a stage and singing his heart out, sometimes six nights out of the week, while Trace and I simply smoked some weed and watched from the sidelines. Maybe thats why it seemed so easy to me. I wasn’t doing the work. Justin was. Even so, I always knew no matter how much he complained, he loved what he did and he would never give it up even though it exhausted him.
Now though, I think I can understand how tired Justin was. Working at the radio station has definitely given me a firm insight as to how strenuous and crazy this business can be. Everything is rush, rush, rush. There’s no time to sit and linger, or chat with friends. Especially if you’re the one thats helping to organize an artists schedule or show. I thought I’d been under enough pressure when I’d been working for Justin, even though when we were having our good days I didn’t really care how much work I had to do for him. But working for Tarin and the radio station has been an entirely new experience. Not only am I working under somebody else, but one slip up can mean disaster for the entire radio station as a whole. To say the concept has made me a nervous wreck is an understatement, and what happened between Trace and I at the venue made things that much worse.
I’d thought I’d been out of a job, and when I’d cried to Susan on the front porch of the home I told her what had happened. I told her I just wanted to hide...never go back. But she told me I had to at least make an effort to explain myself to my superior. It was time that I learned how to make up for my mishaps so I could better my future, she’d said. And she was right. I mean yeah, it had taken a lot for me to go show my face at the radio station the next day but now I know if I hadn’t, things would have taken an extreme turn for the worse.
The day after my blowout with Trace and Tarin, Susan had dropped me off at work, as she’d agreed to do until I could drive or find another means of transportation. I’d walked into the office, just waiting for Tarin to come up to me and tell me that I was fired. Thankfully, she hadn’t been in the office at that time and I figured she was probably at the venue doing errands without me. Naturally I didn’t have an issue with that, I’d had a pile of crap lying on my desk that I could work on, and so I just got down to work, trying to forget about my insecurities. It wasn’t until a half hour later when one of the other interns approached my desk, her eyes filled with curiosity, that I was forced to sink back into my reality again.
“David wants to see you in his office.” Was the only thing she’d said to me, giving me the once over with her still curious eyes, before wandering away again.
To say I was dumbfounded was an understatement. I was confused. Why hadn’t I been yelled at yet, or fired even? I wanted to ask someone. I wanted to know what was going on with my job. But I figured that David wanted to see me, and he was the main boss anyway, so he’d be able to tell me whatever I wanted to know. I just...really didn’t want to talk to him. He made me uncomfortable as it was, letting his eyes wander up and down my body, making it a point for them to linger on my breasts as long as possible. I was even about to tell that intern I’d rather not, but she’d already left. I guess I decided to go because I knew if I didn’t, I’d eventually have to deal with Tarin when she came back into the office. I was already a mess emotionally without hearing her tear me apart even more. So I gathered my stuff and did as I was told, figuring it was the better choice.
The door had been partway open when I’d arrived, and so I’d slowly pushed it open the rest of the way. David had been at his desk, phone to his ear, smiling and laughing at the current conversation he was having. I’d nearly turned back, feeling bad about interrupting him, but he’d noticed me almost immediately and motioned me forward with his hand. I’d done so begrudgingly, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk. He didn’t get off the phone right away, so I took the opportunity to glance around the office. I realized I’d never been in it before, he’d interviewed me in a conference room on one of the other floors. It was luxurious of course, as I expected it to be. Pictures of him with various celebrities that had come to the station adorned the walls, along with various certificates and awards. I knew he’d been in the industry awhile, but I had no idea how he’d gotten his start. It didn’t interest me, so I didn’t want to ask. In fact, the whole idea of sitting before him had sickened me. I didn’t like him. The voice in the back of my mind had been screaming at me to get far, far away. But I’d been petrified. I didn’t know why I’d been summoned in the first place, and all I could think was, if I left, he’d make sure I’d never be able to get a job at another radio station.
“Sorry about that,” he’d chuckled, finally hanging up the phone. “My buddy just had to tell me this crazy story.”
I’d forced a polite smile. “It’s okay. Uh, somebody said you wanted to see me?” I knew I sounded nervous, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know what to expect, and the fact that he was sitting behind a large important looking desk was slightly intimidating. It almost made me feel like a nobody for a moment, but then I remembered myself.
A mischievous gleam had entered his eyes. “I did say that,” he’d smiled. “Word around here is you’ve been kind of rambunctious lately, Kerri.”
I’d bit my lip, and shrugged. “I just had a disagreement with....Tarin.” I’d nearly said Trace’s name before remembering that I didn’t know if David knew he’d been around that day or not. “I didn’t think, I just left because I’d been upset.”
“Well,” he’d chuckled, leaning back in his leather executive chair. “She can be kind of a bitch.”
He was so blunt about it, and it was weird to me. I knew that Tarin had worked side by side with David for a few years, and hearing him talk badly about her to a simple intern like myself was a little odd. “I dunno,” I’d replied stupidly. “I’ve just been stressed. I figured she was going to fire me this morning, or maybe thats why I’m up here with you right now.” I hadn’t looked him in the eye, because I’d been wincing too hard in anticipation...waiting for him to tell me that I was right.
“I’ll be honest, she wanted me to fire you,” he confessed after a few minutes. “But I told her to forget it.”
My eyes had widened at the new information, but I’d been a little bit too shocked to get a response out right away.
“I know, I know, you fucked up and I should be pissed and demote you or something,” he’d said, basically speaking for me. “But I think Tarin’s been just a little bit harsh on you considering the things you’ve gone through. You know, everybody messes up, and I just don’t think you deserve to get fired. I see a lot of potential in you, Kerri. You went through four years of a communications major, I mean...you know what you’re doing.”
Despite the fact that he was making more sense than he should have been, I still felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t understand why he was suddenly becoming my biggest fan when he barely knew me. Justin’s name kept flashing in my head. My mind was telling me he wanted to use me, but... I guess I was just so tired of being on the bottom of everybody's list that it felt good to hear somebody commend me and tell me I was worth something. For the first time I was allowing my walls to crumble, and it was so weird. I mean, David Foster? Making me believe I wasn’t such a screw up after all?
“I have a lot of setbacks,” I told him, softly.
He’d folded his hands and pressed his index fingers to his lips, taking the time to think for a moment before continuing. “You could have that spot on the morning show if you really wanted it you know,” he’d nodded, his voice calm. “All it would take is a little self confidence and some hard work. You have the personality, it just doesn’t get to show itself all that often, that’s all.”
I knew for a fact that the spot on the morning show was freeing up in the fall, as the other woman who did the show with JoJo was about to have a baby and wouldn’t be coming back. I also knew, as did all the other interns, that Tarin had pretty much been guaranteed the spot by David over a year ago. It was a big topic of discussion in the break room among the girls, because when Tarin got promoted it would mean her spot would be free, and everybody was clambering to kiss her ass so she would pick them to take her place. I was starting to become very uneasy, and I’d looked down at my lap, not really sure what to say except: “I thought Tarin was getting that job.”
He’d laughed at me then. “Do you believe everything you hear, Kerri?”
I’d just shrugged, and managed to look at him again. “I just thought she’d been here the longest and...”
“Don’t you want the job?,” he’d smiled, cutting me off.
It was a mouthwatering idea. Co-hosting the most popular morning show in Los Angeles could work wonders for anything I would ever want to do in the radio industry, I knew that. But I just didn’t feel right about how I’d be getting the position. I know I shouldn’t have really cared about going behind Tarin’s back. I mean, she’d been really shitty to me, and I was convinced she’d had something to do with Trace turning his back on me. But still, that situation had nothing to do with me stealing a position that Tarin had obviously been working hard to earn for quite some time. “I do. I just don’t think I have enough experience,” I’d bullshitted. “I had to put my whole career on hold for a little bit, David. The only reason I had a chance here was because Tarin gave me one.”
“I don’t care about all that,” he said seriously. “I know how you girls think around here, like Tarin is the saving grace of this radio station. I’m not trying to talk her down or anything, she does a lot of work around here and she gets things done, but I just don’t know if she has the right personality to co-host a popular radio show. It’s a big issue, and it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. We’re looking for somebody more down to earth, because JoJo already has all the spunk we need. I think putting Tarin in there would make the show too edgy, and then I’d lose my job,” he laughed. “So you kind of understand where I’m coming from right?”
I didn’t understand, but that didn’t mean I was going to tell him that. I started to let the selfish side of me take over, telling myself that David had to know far more about what was best for the station than me. “Yeah I guess so,” I’d finally agreed. “If you think that I’m a good candidate, I probably shouldn’t argue with you.”
He’d smiled, and I could sense that the wheels in his head had started turning faster. He seemed pleased at what I’d said but I didn’t exactly know what that meant. Had he been planning on telling me this all along? Was he having an issue with Tarin that he wasn’t telling me about? Was his offer to me simply a way for him to get back at Tarin for something she’d done to piss him off? Honestly, I had no clue, but who was I to question him about it? Tarin wasn’t my friend, that was apparent. So I decided I shouldn’t have cared if she got fired, promoted, or demoted. It just wasn’t ethical.
“That’s really great, Kerri,” he’d said brightly. “Why don’t we talk about it more over dinner. How does next week sound? I know this weekend is going to be nuts with the event and everything.”
Bad idea, my conscience had warned. But, just like so many times before, I chose to ignore it and go with what my selfish side wanted me to do. It was helping me to forget certain things on my mind too, like Trace and Justin, and that was a really beneficial thing. I hadn’t slept. I knew it would feel good to. “Great,” I’d smiled at him, genuinely. “I’d love to.”
He gave me his number then, telling me to call him any time I was having a work related issue that I needed him to resolve, and promised me we’d set a date the following week for dinner. I felt a lot better as I started to walk out of his office...like something was finally turning around for me despite how shitty the rest of the week had been going.
“Oh and Kerri,” he’d called out quickly.
I’d turned around, halfway out the door. “Yeah?”
“Just do me a favor and don’t mention this to anybody okay? I don’t want any sort of mass hysteria to start downstairs with the girls or Tarin. It could get ugly.” He’d smiled at me as he picked up his phone again and started to dial another number.
“Oh...sure.” I’d been knocked down again. I didn’t know what to make of that either, but I knew following his instructions was probably better than going against them. “Thanks David.”
“Make sure you stick with Tarin at the event tomorrow, and let me know if she fucks up anything, or if she sneaks off with friends. I’d do it myself but I can’t be there. Can I count on you to do that for me?”
He’d said it so seriously, the charming, warm expression gone from his face. It kind of freaked me out, and I didn’t really know what he was trying to do. “You want me to spy on her?” I’d said, confused.
“Not spy,” he’d chuckled. “I just need an extra set of eyes, that’s all. It’s not a big deal. Just consider it doing something for your boss, all right?”
I’d promised him I’d do what he’d asked, and I went back downstairs to try and get more paperwork done. I found I couldn’t really concentrate though, and it was really annoying me. In my heart, I knew doing as David asked was wrong. He was being really deceptive toward Tarin, somebody he’d worked with for years. Who was I to go and spy on her just so I could rat her out to David? What was he trying to do, and what was the reason for it?
I haven’t been able to come up with any of the answers to those questions yet, and I doubt I’m going to be able to unless David gives me more information. There’s something up. I know it now. But I’m trying hard not to care so much. I like the proposition thats been presented to me, and it’s time I took a charge of my life and did something to benefit myself for a change. I’m sure if the situation were reversed Tarin would do the exact same thing to me.
Right?
Breaking down to Susan helped a lot. I actually started speaking in group the other day, about some dream I’d had. Surprisingly enough I wasn’t so scared. The girls there actually listened to me for a change, instead of staring me down like I had some kind of disease. It was nice getting it off of my chest. I felt a lot better about myself afterward, and Susan had been watching me from the across room too...smiling. I guess I can say things are starting to change a little bit there too. I mean it’s only been a couple of days, but I feel like I’ve gotten more out of my system in those days than I have since we escaped from that hellhole basement. I feel a little more carefree, a little less sick, and a lot more secure about my surroundings. I’m not really sleeping of course, but I guess that has more to do with current events than anything else. I’m hoping to get back to that though...sleeping. Susan gave me this cute little notebook to jot down my thoughts in, sort of like Justin has. It’s been helping me get through the night lately. I’ve just been writing down all the crap in my head that usually swims around and drives me crazy. I re read some of it this morning and I completely scared myself too. I hadn’t even realized how dark it had all been when I’d wrote it down.
I think I’m more fucked up than I ever thought I was in the beginning. I just don’t know if I’m too late to fix myself completely.
It’s scaring me, coming to terms with my demons so suddenly. I’ve put them off entirely too long, and it’s not just about the kidnapping either. It’s all the shit before that. All the pain I went through when Justin and I stopped talking. How lonely I felt when Trace and Justin were off doing exciting things and I was left alone in Millington. I’ve been starting to get into all of that in my entries. I’m just so full of anger, and I don’t even think I realized just how bad it was. I’ve just become this big bottled up mess who can’t think straight. It’s like, even when I had Justin months ago I couldn’t handle it because I was so afraid of losing him I didn’t know how to act around him. That jerked him around, fucked with what was already a mess in his head, and turned him against me in the end.
Trace is another story...
One that I don’t know if I can handle at this moment in time, even though I know I have to. I cant just let it linger in my head or I’ll get worse. It just makes me so upset that I lost the one person who’d done so much to help me get back on track. I just fucked it all up. I’m so angry at him for giving up on me but at the same time I fucking deserved it too. It’s just all so messed up, and I can’t figure it out. I want to call him and figure things out too, but he specifically told me not to and so I won’t cause him anymore unwanted pain. Trace is the type that when he’s ready to talk he will. I should know, I’ve bared witness to it several times in my life. He just needs space, and I can understand. I’m just afraid that Tarin has talked so much junk about me by now, that she’s totally turned him against me.
I don’t know anymore.
I just miss him though. Fuck, I miss them both...so much.
Despite how much of a mess I am though, I somehow managed to make it through work today and home in time to get myself together for the dinner date I’d promised Cooper. I wanted to back out really badly, just sit in my room tonight and think about some things. But he’d been such a good friend to me. He’d been there for me when everyone else had turned their back, and he’d gotten me back to Susan’s in one piece. I figured I owed it to him to meet him for a quiet dinner. He’d pulled up to the group home right on time, as he’d told me he would. I wasn’t surprised. From the beginning I could tell Cooper wasn’t the type of guy to be late or give me the run around about doing something.
For the first time in a long time, I’d made an extra effort to look nice. I’d pulled out a classy looking sundress that had long since been put into hiding since I’d left Justin’s, and I did my make up. It felt sort of nice, looking presentable for a guy. But it sent chills through me to think that the only other guy I’d ever tried to look good for was Justin. I felt slightly pathetic. I didn’t want Cooper to find out either, but I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. For the first time since I agreed to go on our little date, it was hitting me that I’d never been out with another guy besides Justin. It was hard to accept. I didn’t even know how to act. I mean yeah, we were just friends, but I knew Cooper had a thing for me and I guess...I could see myself ending up having a thing for him too. But what did I do? What did I say? Cooper certainly wasn’t Justin. I didn’t know what little things irked him, or what made him smile.
We’ve been sitting here for about a half hour now, and I still have yet to hold a conversation with the kid. He’s not complaining. He seems to be satisfied that I’m just here with him, enjoying the food. I don’t know though. I know it’s awkward, and I’m sure if I was anybody else he would have called it quits already.
But for some reason I’m just irresistible to him. Go figure.
“So you’re a girl,” he tells me, after awhile.
I stare at him, puzzled. “Uh...yeah,” I say, letting out a nervous laugh. “Pretty sure.”
“Sorry,” he laughs, his cheeks turning a little pink. “I’ve just been thinking about what to get my sister for her birthday. It’s next week.”
It’s the smallest of the small talk, but I know he’s trying here and I think I owe it to him to at least play along. I doubt I’ll go out with him again after this of course. It’s just too weird and I’m not ready. But at least he’s not yelling at me or putting me down. “Well how old is she?”
“Sixteen.” He rolls his eyes. “She wants a car but my dad refuses. He doesn’t think she’s ready to drive yet.”
“Ah,” I nod. “Well you can’t go wrong with a trip to the mall, or a gift card. That usually does the trick.” I don’t look up at him as I say the words. I’m finding my plate of food much more interesting. I think it’s because I know if I look up and stare into his eyes long enough I’ll get lost in them like I did the other day...and I’m so fucking afraid of that. I just can’t afford to lose myself in somebody else right now.
“True.” He says, and I hear him take a slurp of his soda. “Maybe if I take her to the mall you can come along...you know, to give her some fashion tips or something.”
I laugh a little, the idea of setting foot in a busy shopping mall in LA scaring the shit out of me. “I’m the last person you want fashion advice from, Cooper.”
“Why not?,” he asks me, the disappointment apparent in his voice. “I think you look...good in that dress.”
That was slick. I wonder how long he’d been conjuring up that whole story about his sister in his head to get that one line about my dress out. He’s adorable and I hate it. It’s just not fair. Why couldn’t he have been around in high school when I had nobody? Why couldn’t he have come around in college while Justin wasn’t in the picture? I could have handle him then. We could have been happy. But now I’m just a mess, and I’m confused, and I don’t even now what to do to let Cooper know all of that either. “Thanks,” I whisper, and pick at my food some more.
“You sure you’re okay, Ker?”
“Just tired,” I say, shortly.
“How’s your food?”
“It’s fine.” I feel myself growing more annoyed at each question he asks me. It was okay on the car ride here when he rambled on and on about his father’s last fishing trip. It was okay when we first got seated, when he was telling me about his customer service horror stories at Borders. But now he’s just reaching to keep the conversation afloat and it’s not fun or entertaining anymore. “Cooper look...it’s...”
“Look, I’m sorry,” he says, his smile finally fading away. “I’m trying. I was really looking forward to this and it doesn’t seem to be panning out the way I thought. I guess I just assumed you wouldn’t be as uptight because we had talked. But I guess I just...I just don’t get you and I didn’t want to accept that until now.”
I feel terrible for him. If anything, he really just wants somebody to talk to. But I’m just not the best person for that type of thing. I”m too caught up in my own crap to give a damn about his sisters birthday or whatever else he has on his mind. It’s selfish and its’ terrible but I just can’t lie to myself. And I really can’t deny that I wish he was Trace or Justin right now either. I’m sick. But I knew that going into this. “I told you I’m not the best girl to be seeing right now, Cooper. I wish I could be better, you know? I’d give anything to be a different person and be better for you, but I just can’t be. I’m just so fucked up.”
“You only went on this date because you felt sorry for me,” he says, darkly. “I know I practically begged you to come but still...I thought if anything, we were friends first anyway. Now I just feel like you’re going through the motions. You don’t really care about me or what I have to say, do you?”
“I...” I have to stop and sigh. It’s not entirely true. I just can’t focus, but he doesn’t understand because he can’t see what’s going on or what I’ve been through. “That’s not it. I just...I don’t really know how to act around you.”
“That’s what I don’t get. You think you have to act a certain way around me, so I’ll be impressed,” he tells me. “I’d think you’d know better by now. I’m not the kind of person that needs to be impressed. I thought that I made it pretty clear that I wanted to hang out with you because you were cool and we have stuff in common.” He shrugs, bowing his head down and laughing softly. “This isn’t working out. Maybe I should just take you back. You’re not happy to be here and there’s no point forcing you to stay.”
I feel terrible, but I don’t disagree with him. He’s right, there is no point in trying to tough this dinner out. I’m miserable, and he’s basically talking to himself right now. It sucks. I can almost remember what I’d been like years ago, back at school, when Justin was out of the picture. We’d go out as a big group and I’d be one of the loudest, funniest people there. It was weird, in college I just kind of discovered I had this loud, vibrant personality. I was actually well liked, among Siobhan and her ever growing population of friends. I’ve been forgetting a lot about that version of me. It all seems so far in the past now, and I know I’ll never be able to be at that level again. I don’t even think Justin really knew that girl. I was always happy, and I loved to joke with him. But I was never as rambunctious, loud, or crazy with him like that. I guess I was always too afraid of what he’d think. Trace saw it sometimes, when we were alone, but never to that extent. It amazes me that I’d kept my personality buried for that long, and then when it was finally out and about, I tucked it away again. It’s like I had all of five minutes to show who I really was.
I’ve just been fake the rest of the time.
He motions the waitress over after a couple of minutes, and tells her he’d like the check. I pull out my purse, feeling terrible because we’d only eaten half of our food, but he refuses to let me pay. It’s the gentleman in him, but I don’t feel good about letting him do it. We silently walk back to his car afterward, and he opens the door for me, letting me get inside before closing it after me. I pull my seatbelt on with a sigh, feeling myself starting to lose it. There’s a stinging in my eyes and I know I’m going to be in tears very soon. I try my best to hold back when he gets in the car, and starts up the engine. I don’t want to break down in front of him again. I just want this night to be over.
“Hey do you mind if we stop at Borders so I can check my schedule?,” he asks me after awhile. “I’d drop you off first but it’s kind of pointless since we’re going to pass it anyway.”
I shrug. “Uh, sure, if you want.” I really don’t want to. I don’t want to see any people or try to act saner tonight. But I feel so guilty. Cooper should be able to have at least one thing go his way tonight, so I’ll stop being selfish for the time being.
We pull up literally ten minutes later, and Cooper expertly parallel parks the car in front of Borders and turns off the engine. He flashes me a small smile. “Come on.”
I swallow a little bit. “No, I can just wait in the car.”
He rolls his eyes. “Oh come on. It’s only for a minute. You’ll be safer in there, than out here alone.”
I could smack him for saying something like that to me, because it’s gotten me paranoid as hell in a matter of seconds. I look into his eyes, and part of me knows he did it on purpose. Part of that is so fucked up, but I guess I can’t really say anything because I’ve messed up the whole night anyway. He gets out of the car, and I miserably do the same. We walk the few feet to the store and he holds the door open for me with a silly little grin on his face. It’s crazy he’s acting that way. It’s like he doesn’t care that I’m acting like a reject of society right now...he’d still rather I was here with him. Nobody has ever acted that way with me before. They didn’t have the patience, but Cooper does, and I’m so fucking lost it’s not funny.
The people at the register say hello to Cooper enthusiastically as he waves and introduces me as his friend from school. I smile politely but don’t try to make conversation. Cooper excuses himself to go in the back to look at his schedule, and I nod quickly, telling him I’ll go look around. I make a bee line deep into the store, where I can hide from the other people so they won’t stare at me and start to ask me questions. This is a bookstore after all, and I’m sure my face has been plastered on some tabloid magazine they’ve stocked at one point or another. The last thing I want is to be recognized or asked about Justin. I just couldn’t deal with that tonight.
I get lost in the fiction section for awhile, but I find myself having a difficult time finding a book to read. I used to really like thrillers and mystery novels, but just by reading some of the plot lines, I know I’d never be able to stomach them. I’d start remembering shit...and so that’s out. I almost wander into the romance section, but then I remember how fucked up my love life is and yeah, that’s not going to work out either. Eventually I realize I’ve started to read the backs of Star Wars novels, and I know I’ve gone off the deep end. Next thing I’ll be doing is dressing up as an Ewok and going to Star Wars Conventions.
“Big sci fi fan?”
“Jesus!” It scares the crap out of me, causing me to drop the book in my hands and I whirl around, ready to slap him in the face. I hold a hand to my chest, trying to catch my breath, but I find that every feeling of anger I had inside of me, has melted away at the site of Coopers smile. I let out a long breath. “You can’t do that.”
He laughs a little as he bends down to retrieve the book I dropped. “Wow, when did we get ‘the Endorian Battle’ in? I’ve been waiting for this.” He seemingly ignores how freaked out he just made me, as he flips open to the first page of the book and starts to scan it with fascinated eyes. “I gotta buy this.”
“You’re into Star Wars?,” I roll my eyes. Cooper never struck me as the type that was into that weird sci fi role playing stuff. He’s always seem too organized and intellectual for that sort of thing. I don’t know though. Maybe I tend to misjudge people most of the time. Hell, maybe I shouldn’t be analyzing anybodies love of Star Wars and the like. It’s kind of lame.
“Yeah.” He closes the book. “SInce I was five. But you and I really haven’t been able to discuss lame things like Sith Wars, yet. It’s just a little obsession of mine. I can do at least fifteen imitations of voices from the movies. I didn’t exactly have much of a life in high school.” He blushes a little bit, and clutches the book tighter in his hands.
I try not to smile, I really do. I cross my arms and roll my eyes, like he’s not impressing me with his stupid pop culture fodder. But in reality, I find this little detail about him so adorable. Seriously, if I was normal, I’d squeeze him. But I can’t because I’m a freak. “Okay,” I say, unamused. “Do yoda.”
He glances around slyly, like he’s about to perform some unspeakable act. “Help you I can, yes.”
It’s a spot on imitation, and I should be normal and laugh. I can’t though. I”m just afraid of what might happen if he gets it in his head that his plan to make me like him is working. “It was okay,” I say seriously.
“That was nothing,” he says, proudly. “You should hear my wookie.”
I raise an eyebrow, and start to get a little nervous when he leans in toward me, that awesome smile of his still on his face.
“But I don’t do that for just anybody,” he whispers, his breath hot in my ear.
I feel myself become weak, because I know he’s flirting with me now. I can’t handle it, because I know I like it, and I’m just so angry that I can’t stop my emotions from overflowing anymore. I do like this guy. He’s sweet, and humble. He’s a gentleman. He wants to care about what I have to say. And the worst thing is, he’s really hot to top it all off. I want to ask him where he came from, and tell him to go back there so I can get back to my life. But then... I don’t want him to go away. I hate everything right now.
“So you want a book or something?” He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels. “I get a good discount.”
This time I can’t help but smile and laugh. “No, I think I’ll be okay for now.”
“Come on,” he smiles and nudges me. “You can consider it a consolation prize for having a shitty date with me.”
“I think it’s more like, you had a shitty date with me,” I sigh, my smiling fading.
“Nah.” His cheeks turn a light shade of pink, and his smile doesn’t fade. “I knew it would be this way. But you know, the thing about it is...I’m still smiling despite all of that and you aren’t.”
I just stare at him, like he’s so ridiculous for saying it to me. “Why are you smiling?”
“I really can’t help myself, Kerri,” he says, biting his bottom lip nervously. “When I saw you for the first time, at that club... I mean, granted you were drunk, but all I could think was that you were the most beautiful girl there.”
“Please.” I resist the urge to swoon, and do the best I can not to smile, or blush. I can’t. “Stop trying to be charming.” I start walking to the front of the store slowly. Of course he follows me, grinning harder than he was before.
“Why?,” he whispers. “Is it working?”
I don’t look at him, because he’s starting to scare me. Justin used to pull the same kind of crap with me, and I always thought it was the sexiest thing ever. His behavior made me fall so hard, so fast. I wanted him all the time...it was never enough. And now, hearing Cooper saying the same type of shit is driving me crazy. “I’m ready to go home,” I say, quickening my pace as I walk.
“You’re just saying that,” he says, not failing to keep up with me.
I stop and turn to him but don’t say anything. He can see right through me, and it sucks. I can’t bottle up my emotions with him, he’s too smart, and he knows what to say to get in between my walls and right to where I’m the most vulnerable. “I’m ready to leave, now.”
“If you didn’t want this to happen, you would have stood me up tonight.” He pauses and searches my eyes for a response, but frowns when I don’t say anything else to him and simply roll my eyes to prove to him that he’s wrong. “God, fine.” His shoulders sag in defeat. “At least let me buy you a damn book.”
I grab the closest book within my reach so he’ll shut up and we can leave. “Fine here.” I thrust it at him in annoyance. But then he just starts laughing to himself, and I have officially given up on getting anywhere.
“The Ten Most Evil Women of All Time? Wow Ker, is this a hint that you hate me?,” he laughs heartily.
I look over at the book in his hands quickly, and I can’t help but laugh. It really is ironic that I picked that up, given the situation. “That would only happen to me,” I laugh.
He smiles. “I am so buying you this.”
Without hesitation he grabs my hand and drags me up to the checkout with him. I’m a little taken back by his sudden urge to touch me, but I don’t stop him for some reason. I don’t feel like fighting back anymore tonight, and I guess... I just don’t mind him holding my hand all that much either. He buys my ridiculous book along with his dorky ass Star Wars one, and after bidding his co workers a good night, we head back out to the car again. I’m not holding his hand now, just walking beside him instead. He’s not rambling on about any random topic surprisingly, and I being to revel in the silence. It’s nice, just being with him and not worrying about opinions or situations. I could do this more...
But then again I don’t know if thats the best idea.
We stop in front of his car and he unlocks my door for me, but he stops me before I can get in. “Hey.”
I look up at him. “Hey?”
He puts a hand to my face, smoothing his fingers over my cheek lightly. Surges of electricity seem to flow through my bloodstream at that exact moment, but I can’t understand it. I bring my hand up, to brush his hand away. “Cooper.”
But he kisses me, even though I’m sure he knew I was going to tell him to stop. It’s an open mouth kiss, and I know I should pull away but I... I just don’t. I just kiss him back, hungrily, eagerly. I feel him pull me closer to him, and his hands travel down my body, tugging at my waistline. I don’t even know how long it lasts, because I’m completely lost in his smile and his kiss. It’s uncanny how natural it all is, and how good it feels.
But as soon as I feel myself completely slipping away, to the point of no return, he stops and pulls back. Then he just stares at me for awhile, while I stare back...wide eyed, not having a clue what the hell I’m supposed to do next. It’s going to hit me later I’m sure...the things I should have done and said, and the fact that he’s the first guy I’ve ever kissed outside of Trace and Justin. It’s sad and great all at once, and I feel myself getting weak. I need to lie down...
“Are you going to slap me?,” he whispers, his smile growing wider than I’ve ever seen it before.
I shake my head slowly, hesitating for a few moments before I get out a soft “No.”
“Can I kiss you some more?,” he asks me, cautiously.
And this time I’m the one who doesn’t hesitate.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
