I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights, but for the first time it hasn’t been because of some fucked up nightmare about Shane...or even Kerri. I keep having visions of her, I mean...Melanie, in my dreams. The other night in the studio, I’d just given in. We’d been so close and she’d just been so beautiful that I hadn’t been able to stop myself from trying to let her know how I’ve started to feel about her. She smelled of raspberries and when I’d been close enough to breathe her scent in I became absolutely addicted to her. I wanted to pull her close, hold her, and kiss her. But really, I should have known I was out of line. Melanie isn’t like that.
I could tell part of her was terrified when I’d brushed my hand against her cheek, but when I looked deeper into her eyes, for a split second I could see a look of longing in them. Like she wanted me more than she wanted to admit. I’d smiled. I’d somehow begun to think that she really liked me as much as I was starting to like her. But I’d received a rude awakening when she freaked and ran out on me. I tried not to be frustrated with her for doing that. I knew I shouldn’t have expected any other reaction out of her, but when you’re a guy that hasn’t had really good sex in a long ass time there are things that suck about being left hung out dry. I’d spent a good half hour in the shower jerking off after that, and fuck it felt so amazing. I’d forgotten that I hadn’t had the urge to do anything like that in months, so when it finally...came out...I felt like an entirely new human being. It was sad to admit. I wouldn’t even tell Trace because I know he’d make fun of me, or just look at me weird.
The days that have passed since our little encounter in my studio have been anything but normal. Mel and I have basically been tip toeing around each other, barely making eye contact, and only chatting long enough to get each others agendas in check. It’s really frustrating that I can’t talk to her the same as before. But each time I tried to break down and do it I would just think about how much I wanted to touch her, and I knew it was dangerous to try and get into anything with her.
I don’t need another Kerri episode, that’s for fucking sure.
I’ve been trying to clear my head through my journal. I realized I hadn’t been writing in it as much as I should have been, but I guess I’ve been so distracted hanging out with Mel and now with Trace that I sort of neglected it. Somehow I think that might be sort of good too, it could mean I’m starting to move on and get my life back in order. But I don’t know, it’s probably still too soon to assume things like that. I still find solace in it’s pages. I’ve been writing the last couple of nights, mostly about current events. Shane has become less and less a topic of discussion too. Instead, I find myself writing paragraph after paragraph about my feelings for Mel. I guess I just can’t help it. There’s nobody else I can trust to dish this kind of shit out too. Trace would just think I’m not ready, and tell me that I’m an asshole. Telling my mom about it is out of the question too, because I’m sure she’d have a coronary. So until things change, my journal is still one of my greatest tools, and my greatest confidant.
I’m really unsure of a couple of things. One, where my heart is really at, and two, where the hell my mind is at. I don’t know if I have these feelings for Mel because she’s the only one around, and the only one who’s stuck by me, or simply because I really do like her a lot. It terrifies me that I could end up using her, and end up shattering her after everything she’s done for me. I just don’t know if I can trust myself, or rely on myself not to turn into a selfish fucking bastard again. But the more I think about it, I treated Kerri that way because she treated me that way. Always pushing me, always telling me how miserable she was...always reminding me of all the shit that happened. Of course what I did to her in the end was unforgivable, I’m not denying that. But Kerri and I...we were never meant to have that kind of relationship. I just clung to her when I shouldn’t have and I didn’t realize what had happened until it was too late. Melanie is so different. We relate to each other. We can just sit together quietly and know...just know that we’re fucked up and it’s okay. Hell, I don’t even know her whole story. I know the basics about her and the mental hospital she was in but that’s it. I can’t push her for more information. It wouldn’t be fair considering I don’t think I can ever tell her about what Shane did to me.
Nobody has ever been able to look at me and just...know. And it’s making me fall for her so damn hard. I keep thinking to myself that I could love this girl. I could really love her, and that’s just so shitty because I know it can never happen...
It’s put me in a really uncomfortable mood. My feelings for her have sprung up so fast and I don’t know how to handle it. It’s like one minute I hated her and wanted her out, and then it was just like BAM I was falling for her. It’s not fucking fair, and I know it’s even less fair to her because she probably has no clue as to why I’ve been acting so weird. I want to snap out of it but I guess I’m just in too deep now.
I care about her.
I went to lunch with Clive and Johnny on Monday. Funnily enough, I was actually itching to go, despite the fact that I usually hate that kind of work related shit, not to mention the fact that Clive makes me nervous as fuck. I guess I just needed to get out of the house, and away from Melanie who’d been confusing the hell out of me. I’d called Trace the night before, practically begging him to come to the meeting with me. I knew I couldn’t bring Mel. She’s not in the business and she probably would have been really bored and uncomfortable the entire time. Trace had been hesitant to agree at first. He told me that he wasn’t my assistant anymore, and I shouldn’t have been asking him to attend a business meeting with me. But I really explained myself. I told him that my mom was a pain in the ass to take, because she treated me like a baby most of the time and I didnt need Clive Davis thinking I couldn’t handle my own shit. Naturally he told me to bring Melanie because she could just sit there quiet and “look cute” as he so idiotically put it.
“Trace, you know all about my career. If they ask me a question I’m unsure about you always have the answer before I can fuck things up,” I’d whined.
“I thought we’d agreed to just sort shit out first,” he’d sighed. “I don’t know if I’m ready to be a part of your whole thing again, Justin.”
I’d understood, but I was a lot more persistent that I’d been before Trace and I had stopped talking. I knew that having him with me at the lunch was a smart move. Johnny liked him a lot, he’d always felt that he’d kept my ass in line when I’d been going out of my skull. I figured if he saw Trace there he’d be a lot more confident in my effort to get my career back on track again, and in turn he’d relay his feelings to Clive. They wouldn’t be up my ass so much after that, I was sure. So I knew it was important to prove to Trace how important he was, even though I hated kissing the little bastards ass for more than ten minutes at a time. “Look, I need you. If I had any other choice, or any other person that was as good as you are I’d ask them. But I just don’t, Trace.”
I knew I was giving him a confidence boost, and when he’d laughed and told me that he’d known I’d never make it without him from the beginning, I knew I’d won the battle. The lunch had gone well after all. Clive and Johnny had loved the demo I’d presented, and so I’d been glad that I’d taken Melanie’s comments about the song to heart. They said it could possibly be another single too, so I know thats promising. It means people will be paying attention to my re-release, and I’ll be back in the same spot I was before...everything happened. Then everybody will be happy.
Almost everybody, anyway. I’ll still be like this coin. You flip one side and you get a fake smile and forced enthusiasm. You flip to the other side and you have this broken up mess of a guy who used to be outgoing, and is trying as hard as he can to get back to his old ways again. It’s a shitty way to live, but I probably know better than anybody that it’s how this business works. Nobody cares if you’re sad, or if you’re happy...they just want what they want. And I’ll put up with it because I don’t have anything else to fall back on. If I’m not performing and making music then what am I supposed to do? I’ll be a nothing, just dwindle away. Shane would have defeated me just like he always said he would...
And I couldn’t live with that.
I’m up early this morning again. I’ve been getting up earlier than normal this week, partly because I haven’t been sleeping anyway, and I needed to get some of my stupid aggression towards Mel out of my system before we went running. The last thing I want to do is flip out on her, because I’m sure she’d leave or bitch to my mom about how I’ve been acting weird all trying to kiss her and stuff. I’ve been working out in the basement a lot this week, and if I thought I had been slacking on my physical fitness routine before...I really know it now. Doing bench presses that used to seem so easy to me, felt like deadweight that very first morning. I wanted to kick myself for being so damn out of it and lazy. I’m going to give Jason a call next week. Hopefully he’ll be happy I’m coming out of this rut and come by so we can start training again. I know with any kind of album release there’s a lot of press that goes along with it and I need to look my best.
I can’t let people think I’ve turned into a weak little nothing.
I drape the towel over my shoulder and grab a bottle of water out of the pantry before heading down into the basement. I start to put my headphones in, and clip my walkman to the waistband of my jogging shorts. But I have to stop at the bottom of the steps, because I see her now. She’s....fuck....she’s in a sports bra and leggings, moving in synch with the exercise video on the TV screen. I could fucking kill myself right now. She looks so good and she has no idea how painful it is for me to see her like this, half her body exposed. It takes all of my strength not to completely lose it as I walk up behind her and tap her on the shoulder. “What the hell are you doing?”
She jumps and nearly kicks me as she whirls around. “God, Justin!,” she exclaims, breathlessly. “I should be asking you that!” She places her hands on her hips and scowls at me.
“Just didn’t expect to see you here is all,” I say quietly, a little embarrassed that I scared her like that. “It’s really early.” I bend down and pick up a couple of my weights from the ground and place them by my water and towel that I’d dropped to the floor.
“That’s why I came down. I figured you’d be asleep and I found this old Tae Bo video underneath your couch while I was vacuuming the other day. I figured I’d try it out,” she explains, wiping the sweat from her forehead. “I’ve been a little agitated lately so I figured it might help me to mellow out.”
She’s shooting me a look that’s telling me I should know what she’s hinting at, and of course I completely get it. Still, I don’t make an argument. It’s pointless, because I’m already aggravated as it is, and Trace and I have 18 holes of golf to conquer today. I’d like to be in a good mood for that because Trace has been putting an effort in to keep a smile on his face for me, and I want to do the same thing for him. “Wow.” I pick up the video box from its place on top of the TV. “I thought I lost this thing back when I first moved into the house. Me and my trainer were fuckin around with it, and after I guess I just chucked it somewhere.” I smile at the memory of Jason bringing it by, and me thinking it was some lame version of karate that I didn’t want to learn. As it turned out, I’d actually ended up liking the Tae Bo techniques. They were a big help with some of the more advanced choreography that Marty ended up creating for the tour.
“Yeah,” she chuckles. “Like behind your couch. I guess it got put to a lot of good use there.”
“Whatever.” I take my sweatshirt and tee shirt off, leaving only my undershirt on as a polite cover up. Most of the time I really like to work out without any shirt on at all, but I can sense how tense Mel gets when I walk around in just my jogging shorts, and things have been awkward enough this week without me adding to it. “I meant to use it. I just never had the time.”
“Aww, poor baby.” She smiles to herself and walks back to the TV so she can rewind the video back to where it left off. “It’s gotta piss you off.”
I pick up one of the bar bells and start to do arm crunches, trying to keep my eyes from lingering on her spandex covered behind. I hate to admit that I’ve been looking at her ass a lot this week. It’s really sleazy of me but I just can’t help myself. She really has a nice one, all rounded and shit...something I could put my hands on and grab....
Fuck.
“Wh-what pisses me off?,” I say, keeping my gaze focused on the wall.
“That I could kick your ass.” She giggles a little bit and starts to move along with the video again.
I put down the weight and stare at her. “Excuse me?”
“Oh come on.” She does a few of the punches and kicks before glancing over at me. “You and I both know I could.”
I don’t know what she’s trying to do. Could it be that the past few days have been so overwhelmingly pathetic between us that she’s trying to lighten the mood? Or is she so frustrated that she’s saying this shit to piss me off? Fuck I don’t know if I’m supposed to be playful and flirt with her right now, or try to insult her back with a crude comment. I really, really am trying to avoid being a dick right now though so I smile and say: “You really think you can pin me?”
She stops what she’s doing and smoothes her hair back, big old smile on her face. “Oh I don’t think... I know.”
“IT”S TIME FOR A BATTLE.”
The TV yells the words at us suddenly and we both glance at the muscular man on the screen before looking at each other again and smiling softly. As I look at her, all I can think is that she’s so...hot, and I’d like nothing more than to tackle her to the ground and just....
What am I thinking? I can’t do that with her. I mean...this is Melanie, not some fuckin slutty ass girl.
“Come on Justin.” She smiles, and pulls her hair back into a messy ponytail. “You think you can prove me wrong?”
“Oh I don’t know, Mel,” I chuckle. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
She throws her head back and laughs out loud. It’s weird. I love watching her smile and laugh like that because she never does it, but at the same time I feel like my pride is being hurt. The insecurities that are constantly looming in the back of my mind are sort of tapping me on my shoulder right now, reminding me that she could think that I’m a weak person that can’t fight back. And I can’t let her think that.
“Okay.” I say, sternly. “Let’s go if you’re so tough.””
“Well...all right...”
Her smile fades slightly and she eyes me suspiciously. A few odd moments of silence pass between us then, each one trying to figure out what the other is thinking. But when nothing is said, and the Tae Bo video guy starts to count down for the battle to begin, we both move in for the kill.
“BATTLE!”
Immediately I go in to grab her, but she’s much too fast for me. She ducks as I go for her shoulders and rolls underneath me, grabbing me by the legs and pulling me down to the floor before I know what’s hit me. I’m lying face up, staring at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath so I can get up and tackle her like I said I would. But then she’s on top of me, grabbing my hands and holding them above my head so I can’t move. I’m staring directly into her eyes now, and she’s laughing at me, her eyes filled with this weird, lusty filled gaze that I can’t exactly place with anything I’ve seen on any other woman before. It makes me want to grab her and just fuckin....do things to her that would drive her crazy. Before, when I was normal, I would be doing just that too. I would have broken free from her grip by now, grabbed her waist and rolled over onto her so I could kiss her...strip her down naked...
But the thought of trying that at this point in my life scares the shit out of me.
“I guess you were wrong,” she whispers.
“I guess I was.”
We stay in this position for a good five minutes, just staring at each other. Soon, the sound of the TV becomes non existent. It’s just us now, me and her, and that’s all I want it to be. I don’t care about today, what I have planned, or anything else. I could lay like this with her all day, I know that now. It’s fucking scary as hell too but I guess that comes with the territory...it comes with moving on. I just wish I had the guts to tell her...or to kiss her. But I can’t.
“I um...” She trails off and breaks her intense gaze from mine.
“Yeah?”
But she doesn’t say anything else. She rolls off of me then, and gets up, holding her hand out for me to take. I let her help me up, not letting go of her hand right away when I get to my feet. “You okay?,” I say, a little out of breath.
“Uh, yeah...” She pulls away and grabs her water bottle from behind her. “Kind of dizzy.”
I feel myself blush a little. “Yeah.”
It’s quiet again. She keeps guzzling her water and I keep staring at her like a dumb ass. I know she can feel my eyes on her too, and I have no idea if she feels uncomfortable, angry, or if she likes it. “Hey, Mel. About, you know....this week and stuff....”
“Hey, I should start breakfast.” She screws the cap back on her water. “Sorry I took up your work out time, Justin. I know you want to get to the course today.”
She’s completely avoiding what just happened, not that I’m really surprised. It’s just weird to me how she can do something one minute and then the next minute it’s like it never even happened. I guess she’s just really good at putting stuff out of her mind, sort of like me. But it is kind of pissing me off, because she’s the one who initiated all this shit in the first place. “The course can wait.” I take another step toward her, but she just tells me she has to make breakfast and retreats back upstairs.
What the fuck?
I mean, its obvious now...we have feelings for each other. To go on denying it anymore would just be stupid, and I want to scream it all at her. I want her to know it’s pointless to keep avoiding shit and avoid talking about it. But I’m too much of a pussy to put the situation out there and see where it can go. I’m just so scared I’m going to hurt her, or treat her like I treated Kerri. I have a lot of issues with women that I’ve forgotten about, but I know if I got serious with Mel they’d all come rushing back. I could hit her, degrade her, or worse.... But what do I do? Things are just going to get fuckin terrible if we don’t resolve this issue soon. We need to talk.
But how do you talk to somebody who doesn’t want to be bothered?
Breakfast is eaten in awkward silence and when we get out for our run, she jogs ahead of me, making it a point not to make eye contact or start a conversation. I’m getting really pissed off. I want to know what the fuck her issue is. She’s always pushing me to be better, to talk about shit, but here I am having an issue with her and I can’t even talk to her about it. How is that healthy? Why the fuck is she contradicting herself? Am I that bad? That untrustworthy? I just don’t get it.
I take a shower after our run, having to jerk my shit again before I get out, and I feel pathetic. Trace calls me while I’m getting dressed, and it takes all of my strength not to break down to him over the phone and tell him what just happened. I figure I can save it for the golf course, where I’ll be a little bit more calm and able to think straight. We agree to meet in an hour, and I know I’ll be antsy as fuck until that time.
I feel bad, because the one time Melanie and I spoke more than a few words to each other was on Wednesday. She’d been doing a crossword puzzle. Yeah, the one in the back of one of her soap opera magazines. Anyway, the question that had stumped her had to do with golf, hell if I can remember what it was now, but I’d been able to answer it for her without hesitation. We’d both kind of chuckled a little at my obsession with golf trivia, and she’d told me that she never really understood that game but that she’d like to learn the basic rules of it. My eyes had lit up at the sudden conversation, and I’d told her that I wanted to go to the course Friday and maybe she could come. She said she’d see, but with more positive in her voice than negative. I figured things were clearing up. Of course this morning put a damper on all of that, but I’m sure she still thinks it was only going to be me and her at the golf course today. I wonder if she’ll be pissed that I invited Trace. I nearly pick up the phone to tell him not to come, but then I stop myself. He wouldn’t get it and honestly, this morning has kind of given me a bad feeling about being alone with her in public.
I grab my clubs from the corner of my room, and head downstairs. Not surprisingly, Melanie is already dressed and waiting for me on the couch. Sometimes I feel like she waits for me too much, or just rushes around to get herself ready so I won’t have to wait. I never understood that about her, but I guess...it is kind of her job to be ready for me. It’s crazy, I always tend to forget that my mother employs her, and if there comes a time that I’m forced to remember because of some kind of business issue it’s going to be really hard. I hope I can just stay outside of all that and let my mom handle it. But really, I can tell my mom is practically drooling over Mel at this point so I probably have nothing to worry about.
“Ready?” She gets up from to sofa and rubs her hands together. “I gated the dogs so we should be all set. I figured that I could just drive us there. You’ve been going to the course a lot lately, so I thought it would be okay to leave Eric alone.”
I stare at her, swallowing hard. I haven’t ventured to the golf course yet, or really...anywhere, without the aid of my bodyguard at my side. I don’t know if I feel safe without him, and it’s weird because I’d normally fly off the handle at her idea. I’m not though. I’m actually debating going through with it, and I know...that’s progress. That’s what I’ve been working so hard for. I feel myself smile. “Yeah,” I agree with her. “I um... I think I can do that.”
She smiles slightly, but doesn’t say anything else to me as we make our way out to the car. I load my clubs into the backseat, and get in the passenger seat as she starts up the car. I have a weird feeling about today, like it’s going to open up a few more doors for me and Mel. But what kind of doors they are, I have no idea. I’m still agitated about this morning. I don’t really know what to make of her mood, or my weird ass thoughts about her. But I do know it’ll be nice to get out into the fresh air, shoot the shit with my best friend, and maybe...show Mel a little bit of the person I used to be.
Yeah. I think I might actually like today after all.
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Story Tags: justinandtrace
