On the drive up here today, I started to think about how I haven’t really been to that many places since I’ve been in California. It’s weird, once you get outside of the busy city of Los Angeles, the state starts to become pretty serene. Thousand Oaks, California is a really beautiful place. There’s not much smog, no crowds...a perfect place for Justin to spend the day enjoying himself without having to worry too much. I’m praying that the paparazzi doesn’t get wind of Justin’s presence here, and I plan on putting in a word or two with the manager of the place. That way the staff can keep the photographers at bay if they do decide to show up unexpectedly.
I’m sure Justin is uncomfortable with the fact that Eric isn’t here with us today. I can sense his edginess just by the way he’s sitting in his seat, gazing out the window. He’s deep in thought, probably terrified that something is going to go wrong. I guess this mornings episode in the basement didn’t help his mood much. I don’t even know what happened really. One minute I was downstairs, working out, and the next thing I know Justin was there trying to show off for whatever reason. I mean, I know we both needed to lighten up. The week has been too awkward with us barely talking and creeping around each other like strangers. I’m smarter than how I’ve been acting...how I’ve been feeling. I know I should have just sucked it all up and apologized for running out on him that night in his studio. But every time I made an attempt to explain myself, I got all fucking chocked up inside. I’d just see him, walking around in his lazy pair of jeans and random wordy tee shirt, and all I could seem to do was stare at him....
Wish he was mine for just a minute or two.
I’ve come to terms with myself this week and kind of figured out what half of my problem is. Justin has changed since I’ve known him. I’ve basically seen him go from this completely cold, empty, unkempt person, to this entirely new, healthy, and sort of happy guy. Sure he’s insecure, and scared a lot of the time. But there’s color in his face. He sleeps at night. He gets up and makes plans to do things with his day. He’s a person now. The first person who’s been around my age that I’ve been able to relate to since the rape happened. So how else should I have expected myself to act?
It’s just a phase. It’s not going to last. I just...slipped up this morning...
I cant believe I was on top of him for that length of time. Christ, I can’t believe I tackled him and pinned him down either. I’d forgotten myself for a brief period, I’d let the Melanie I’d forgotten about so long ago come back out for a little bit of fun. After it was over, all I could think about was how much I missed that girl. She’d kept me sane through countless hours of studying in school, and countless years of confusion when my mother wasn’t there to help me through my adolescence. And I’d let what happened to me steal her away from me...bury her deep inside so nobody could ever find her. But Justin, he found her today, at least a part of her anyway. It freaked me the hell out the instant I’d realized it. I just didn’t understand how it could have happened, or why he was the one who’d been able to do it. Does it mean I’ve fallen completely for Justin? Did that look in his eyes when I’d been staring down at him mean that he’s fallen for me too? Should I have let myself kiss him like I so desperately wanted to?
No.
No. No. No, Mel.
Despite how confused I am, I can’t deny that I’m excited to be here with Justin right now. He’d promised to show me a few things about golf today, and I guess secretly I’ve been hoping that we’ll both melt into the moment. It’ll be real serene and quiet, just the two of us on the green. Of course I’ll have no idea what I’m doing with the putter and he’ll come and put his arms around me, laughing because he knows I’m clueless. Maybe he’ll rub his hands up and down my arms, and press his nose into my hair. Maybe I’ll drop the club then and turn to face him.
Maybe we’ll kiss, and I’ll finally be able to tell him everything that’s been on my mind...since forever. He’ll tell me it’s okay, that he doesn’t care what happened to me, and all he wants is for us to be together because he’d never hurt me like that horrible man did. I smile to myself, because I really feel like it could happen. It’s crazy to me that I feel so turned on simply by his presence. I can’t remember the last time I really wanted a man, or hell...the last time I wasn’t terrified of one.
“Oh pull into members parking, Mel. They let me do it so the photographers can’t park near my car.”
“Oh.” I snap out of my idiotic daydream just in time to make the turn that Justin has pointed out to me. It takes me down a long, winding road that eventually leads right up to the back entrance of the course’s hospitality house. From the road you’d never know the place would be so beautiful. The grass and trees are greener than any I’ve ever seen before, and the course’s sloping hills and pathways make it seem almost magical. Like, once you set foot onto the green, you’re being transported to another world. You can just forget everything, and focus on a little white ball and the good friends you’ve brought with you. I really think I’m starting to understand why Justin likes this sport so much. It’s not really the game so much as it is the way it makes him feel. “This is really nice, Justin,” I say, smiling softly as I pull into a parking space.
“Yeah.” He doesn’t seem to take notice of how much I’m smiling right now. He’s too busy glancing around us as he takes his seatbelt off, and I’m sort of brought back down a few notches. “I hope there’s nobody sneaking around,” he sighs.
“I’m sure it’ll be okay. I’ll talk to the manager and try to make him keep people that don’t belong out.”
“No don’t.” He says, a little bit too harshly. “I don’t want anybody important to know I’m playing today. They’ll be up my ass all day.”
He opens the door and gets out of the car, walking around the other side to retrieve his clubs from the back seat. I don’t move for a couple of moments, because I’m confused. I don’t get how he’s going to get his game started if he doesn’t sign in at the front desk, but as I turn around to ask him how he’s going to keep such a low profile, I feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. Trace has seemed to come out of nowhere, some girl I’ve never seen before at his side. I look on like a fool as Justin high fives him and gives the girl a big hug, like he hasn’t seen her in years. I’m lost, and I feel like a complete asshole right now. I really thought it was just going to be us today...alone, sorting out our issues. I should have known better, especially since Eric isn’t here. Justin probably felt really uncomfortable given how things are going, so he decided to invite Trace too. I shouldn’t be upset... I really shouldn’t be, and I try really hard for a few minutes to be a good sport and get my head straightened out.
But the harder I try, the more aggravated I’m becoming.
I slowly get out of the car after awhile, figuring I should make the best of my situation and let Justin welcome me into the conversation. So I stand, and stand...and wait...and wait. But Justin is still laughing it up, and Trace and that girl have their backs turned to me. I feel like some kind of freakish outsider that doesn’t belong within ten feet of Justin. My shoulders begin to sag in defeat. I should probably just go back home. At least there I’ll be able to make myself useful, and Justin...he can just have a good time with his friends.
“Hey who’re you?”
It’s Trace’s friend that’s happened to notice me standing here like a dope, and I don’t really know how to react. She’s looking at me like I have two heads, and part of me knows she’s wondering if I’m about to ask Justin for his autograph. I start to get a little angry, especially because Justin is just staring at me now, his arms crossed, like he has nothing to say to me at all. I just don’t fucking get it. “I’m the hired help.”
Trace glances over his shoulder, and the moment he realizes its me he laughs a little. “Aw Mel, come on.” He steps away from the group and puts his arm around me, pulling me closer to them. “Tarin, this is Melanie. She’s Justin’s sort of assistant I guess you could say.” He smirks a little, and I’m completely embarrassed. “Sorry Justin didn’t introduce you first,” he says to me, shooting Justin a stupid look. “You know he can be kind of absent minded.”
The girl, now known to me as Tarin, doesn’t really smile as she gives me the once over with her piercing emerald eyes. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
She seems a little cold, but I know I shouldn’t judge her. Maybe she’s just one of those types of girls who doesn’t mix well with strangers, like me. If that’s the case I know I can totally relate to her.
“I like your shirt, it’s cute.” Tarin flashes me a small smile.
I try not to look at her weird, but I just can’t help myself. I literally pulled this shirt out of the bottom of one of my suitcases this morning, figuring I didn’t need to be dressed up to play golf with Justin. It’s an old University of Michigan shirt I’d gotten during my freshman year of college, and that’s the story. There’s nothing cute about it at all, and so now all I can think is that this girl is as fake as they come. “Thanks, I guess. Do you, uh, like U of M?”
“Oh I dunno,” she giggles stupidly. “I’ve never been there.”
“Oh...”
Fucking weirdo. Though, her air headed question and response doesn’t seem to phase Trace at all. He’s removed his arm from around my shoulders, and is now standing behind Tarin, his arms wrapped around her. He kisses her neck lightly, and I get it now. She’s his girlfriend, and I feel entirely out of place.
“You don’t mind couple’s golf do you, Mel?” Trace asks me after a few minutes of grabbing Tarin’s body in inappropriate places. “We thought it would be fun, right Justin?”
I glance at Justin, and he’s still standing there with his arms crossed, but he won’t meet my gaze. He rolls his eyes, and shakes his head a little bit. “Ass wipe, I just want to play golf. You’re lucky Tarin is so cool or I would have slapped you for bringing her without telling me first.”
“God you can be such a jerk,” Tarin laughs. “Lighten up, Justin. Be glad there aren’t any clouds or loud, screaming fans here to spoil the fun. It’s a great day for golf.”
Justin smiles for the first time since we’ve arrived. “Tar, do you even know how to play golf?”
She shrugs. “I learn fast.”
“Well me and Trace are playing on a team,” Justin says, stubbornly. “Y’all can be lost together.”
He finally looks at me, and I can sense a part of him feels badly about how he’s acted so far. It doesn’t matter though, because I’m really annoyed with him right now. He’s never acted this way around me in front of other people, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s doing it because he doesn’t want Trace and his girlfriend to know what’s been going on. Maybe he just wants them both to think that I’m nothing more than this little assistant girl that hangs out with him on his down time. Before I was so addicted to him I wouldn’t really care, but now things are different. I want Justin to hold me like Trace is holding Tarin. I want to be special to him like that...
I’m disgusting myself with my stupidity right now. My initial instincts were right. Justin would never, ever, go for somebody like me.
“So I checked us all in for an anonymous party of four,” Trace informs us as we make our way over to where the golf carts are parked. “Nobody should bother us. I told them no caddy.”
“Nice.” Justin gets an excited gleam in his eyes, much like a small child at Christmas would, as he loads his clubs into the back of the golf cart. “What’s the wind like?”
“Blowing southeast.” Trace loads his own set of clubs in beside Justin’s and then turns to us, grinning like a sly cheshire cat would. “You girls ready?”
I realize quickly that there have already been clubs provided for both Tarin and I, probably rented from the hospitality house itself. It’s crazy the lengths that Trace went to organize this whole thing, simply so Justin could enjoy the day and not have to worry. It’s turning over a whole new leaf as to how I view Trace as a person, and I know... I’ve been entirely too judgmental about him. Now I can sort of see how hard Trace probably worked to help Justin when he was such a mess, and I’m sure whatever drove him away for all those months must have been really drastic...really terrible. “You really shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble,” I say lightly. “I would have helped you, Trace.”
“He’s used to it.” Tarin laughs a little as she nudges me. “Probably addicted, after working for Justin since you were like what...fifteen, babe?”
Trace rolls his eyes at his girlfriend. “You’re making me sound lame, babe. I toured with him when I was fifteen. Bastard didn’t start paying me til I was seventeen,” he laughs. “And Mel, you shouldn’t worry. I only did all of this so he won’t have an excuse the next time I ask him for a really big favor.”
“Hey babe.” Justin calls back to him from the passenger seat of his golf cart. “How about we save the memories and sex talk for after the game?”
Tarin throws a golf pencil in Justin’s direction. “I can talk about sex memories all day, babe.”
She grins at him, and for a minute Justin looks a little bit lost. But then he smiles, and busts out laughing. I’m sort of confused, but I guess he knows Tarin well enough were they can talk like this to each other without any sort of consequences. I start to wonder how far back the two of them go. Were they friends? Did she know Justin before everything happened to him? Just thinking about that version of him makes me so curious, I wish I could interrogate Tarin about it all right now. It would probably be rude of me though, considering she only just met me and has no idea of the issues I’m having with Justin right now. Maybe I can be subtle about it, once we are alone. Maybe I’ll just get lucky and she’ll start to tell me some stories about the two of them.
“Let’s go to the first tee,” Trace says, jumping into the drivers seat of his golf cart. “And Tar, I can show you that Tiger Woods stroke you asked me about.”
Justin’s eyes widen a little bit, and he looks at Tarin with a silly smile, throwing another pencil back in her direction. “You don’t know how to stroke, babe?”
We both get into the golf cart, Tarin taking the drivers side, and she giggles as she turns the key in the ignition. “Oh no babe, I do. Ask your friend and he’ll tell you all about it.”
I’ve been babed out to the point that I think I’m going to vomit. It’s so weird. It’s like Justin has transformed himself in a moments notice simply for Tarin’s sake. I’ve never heard him talk about sex on this level before, or even make a perverted comment like he just did. It’s obvious though, that she doesn’t think he’s any different from the guy she hung out with at one point in her life, and it’s crazy to me how well Justin hides his real emotions from the world. I guess Trace knows he’s forcing a fake attitude today... I mean, he’d have to. But something is telling me that Trace is just so happy to be here with his girlfriend, playing golf with his best friend that he just doesn’t have it in him to say anything about it. All of this is too much to handle, on top of this morning and the rest of the week, and I’ve never been more thankful when Trace honks his little horn and speeds off into the distance. We race forward, Tarin yelling out to Trace about ‘slowing the fuck down’. I don’t know why I chose to let Tarin drive this thing, she’s not really good at it, and we barely miss hitting a bush before we pull up beside the guys, who have already gotten out of their cart and started to select the clubs they want to use to tee off with.
“Trace,” Tarin pouts, as she stares helplessly down at her set of clubs. “They all look the same.”
I don’t look at her, I just look down at my own set, and try to see if I can figure out which club to use on my own. I’d ask Justin, but when I look over I see him standing on the tee off spot already, taking practice swings. Shit, he doesn’t waste any time I guess.
“Try this one.” I hear Trace say, and when I’m finally able to tear my gaze away from Justin, I see him pull a club out of Tarin’s bag. He studies it carefully for few moments before handing it to her. “And you wanna hold it like this.” He gets behind her and positions her hands at the right places on the club. “And spread your legs apart a little bit.”
“I feel awkward,” Tarin giggles. “I’m all bent over like we’re gonna do it.”
Trace’s face gets a little red but he doesn’t let go of her as he laughs. “Baby....”
I groan inwardly, and try the best I can to tune them out. I hear a loud whack a moment later, and I realize it’s the sound of Justin finally hitting his ball. I look over, and his body is still twisted a little bit from the swing. He’s shielding his eyes with his hand, looking out over the sloping hill to see how far his shot went. He’s so serious, and seems so professional at what he’s doing that I’m suddenly wishing I had opted out of playing, because I know I’m going to make a fool out of myself. Maybe I still can get out of it though, considering I haven’t teed of yet. “Hey Trace,” I call to him after a moment.
“Huh?” He looks up from his “tutorial”, and smiles at me a little. “What’s up?”
“I think I’m just gonna sit out and watch, if that’s okay.”
He gives me a look that’s telling me he’s known this hasn’t been a comfortable day for me all along, and for the first time I feel like Trace and I have a secret bond that’s just ours and nobody else’s. It’s like I can trust him, and maybe eventually confide in him about certain things. It makes me feel good to have a friend in him now, even though I can’t tell him about any of my insecurities at the moment.
“Mel, what’s up? You sick?”
I shrug. “I’m just not really into golf.”
“Justin!” He yells out to him, a look of disgust in his eyes. “Come over here.”
Justin holds his hands out at his sides, as if to say ‘what the fuck’, but ends up coming over in the end. “I’m waiting for you to tee off,” he tells him, aggravated. “My ball made it onto the fairway.”
“Melanie isn’t sure what iron she needs,” he says, ignoring Justin’s comment entirely. “Maybe you should help her out.” He pulls Tarin over to the tee by the hand after that, and they proceed to make out a little bit before he has her stand aside so he can take a few practice swings. I try not to stare, but right now I’d rather be rude in their eyes than stupid in Justin’s. r32;
“Here’s a six iron.” He hands it to me with a sigh, like his mind is in another place. “It’s good for a beginner, just don’t swing it too hard.”
I take it from him, regretfully. “I don’t think I feel like playing,” I say quietly, not looking him in the eye.
“Oh come on,” he grunts. “We came all the way out here, Melanie. You even said that you wanted to come to the course with me.”
“Yeah, but that was before you started acting like a jerk.” I say it bluntly, not really caring anymore. This is getting pretty ridiculous, and I think I have a right to say something to him about it. “I don’t understand, Justin. It’s like you have this entire new attitude because Trace brought his girlfriend with him today.”
He laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “No,” he snaps. “I have a new attitude because I’m trying to forget about the shit you pulled on me this morning. So just take the damn six iron and hit the ball, or sit in the cart all day. I’m not leaving and Trace sure as hell isn’t going to be your savior and drive you home, if that’s what you were thinking.”
My mouth hangs open slightly. I can’t remember a time I’ve been angrier at Justin. Not even when he pulled my bra out of my shopping bag and made fun of it. He’s acting like I’m a little nobody that’s preventing him from having a good day, and I feel like he deserves to be slapped but of course I don’t raise my hand to him. “I can’t believe you,” I whisper. “I thought...”
“I cant talk about this right now,” he speaks up quickly. “I’m trying to have a good game so just stop, okay? We’ll talk later on, when my head is together.”
“You know, it’s really pathetic when you try to act so much more important than me, Justin,” I say as he begins to walk away from me. “It’s all an act. You’re as insecure as ever, and I know it.”
He turns around then, his fists balled at his sides, his expression tense. “You know what’s pathetic?” He lets out a sad laugh. “That you can’t even admit that you want to kiss me. You just wanna fuck around, and run away when the moment gets too serious. So don’t stand here and act all surprised that I’m pissed off, Mel. I know you’re too smart not to know exactly what’s been going on in our heads.”
I desperately try to find my voice, so I can say something back to him, tell him that he’s wrong. But I can’t do it. My brain has cut off all my senses. I can’t move, let alone get out another snide comment. Then it’s too late. He’s walking away now, leaving me standing here staring at his retreating backside like an idiot. He knows exactly what he just did, and he knew I’d never expect him to do it either. He just admitted what’s been going on. That our feelings have been flying off the handle and that today...he wouldn’t have cared if I kissed him. That means I messed up the moment, but really...it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know what to do. I haven’t kissed anybody in years, and the thought of doing it right then in that awkwardness freaked me out.
But Justin doesn’t know anything about it. I mean, he knows I'm insecure and I have issues but that doesn’t mean I should be afraid of getting that close to him and admitting my feelings. I’m always trying to get him to be honest with me and I totally contradicted myself by hiding in a corner all week long. He’s more upset about it than I had originally thought and now....now he knows I’m in this way too deep. And I really want to believe that he is too... I want to keep believing that he wanted to make out with me this morning.
But I just don’t know.
I still want to turn back, or just sit in the golf cart with my head in my hands while they play their game. But then I’m forced to snap out of it. Tarin comes bounding toward me a few moments later, pulling on my hand and telling me that I have to tee off and show the boys up, because she knows that we’re so much better than they’ll ever be. In that instant I become jealous of Tarin...jealous of how sheltered and naive she is to Justin’s issues and my issues. I wish I could be like her, just for today...just so I wouldn’t have to feel so fucking horrible right now. I want to be naive, I want to be uninformed. But I know that’s not in the cards. With a sigh, I let her lead me over to the tee. Justin and Trace are standing off to the side, chuckling to themselves about something and I’m sure Justin hasn’t let on to his friend about our recent conversation. Tarin steps up to the tee, swinging her iron a couple of times, very unprofessionally. Trace and Justin crack up when she finally goes to hit the ball, swings, and misses.
“The ball is to the right, Tarin.” Justin laughs.
“Shut up, Justin!,” she whines. “I have a life. I don’t play golf six days out of the week.”
“Neither do I,” he smiles. “I haven’t played a real game in a couple of months, but I can still hit the ball,”
“Whatever. I can do it,” she frowns, but her smile quickly returns when Trace comes up behind her, helping her to steady her hands and focus on the ball. He takes one of his own clubs and stands before her, demonstrating his own swing and telling her to stand just like he is standing. She takes his advice, sort of. She tries to twist her foot the way he does when he swings the club, but the clubs flies through the air instead and she ends up stumbling and falling over. She starts laughing hysterically, and Trace joins in almost immediately, not seeming to care that their little moment is holding up the entire game.
“Jesus Christ.” Justin groans, miserably. For a moment, his gaze lands on me, but he quickly looks away. I guess he really is pissed, but I am too and I just don’t understand why I have to be the bad guy right now. Why couldn’t he have confronted me like this before we came here today? I would have been able to talk to him about it then. It can’t happen here with Trace and Tarin around to witness it. I’m not ready to let them know that I’m into Justin like that. Despite the fact that Trace has warmed up to me, he still knows that I work for Lynn and well....I just don’t know how he’d react if he knew I was sneaking around behind her back, trying to flirt with her only son.
Somehow it becomes my turn. I didn’t even see Tarin take her turn, but something is telling me that Trace took her shot for her while Justin and I weren’t paying attention. It’s cute, and part of me is sort of happy that Trace and his girlfriend aren’t letting Justin’s moodiness and my lack of enthusiasm ruin their time. Although, I’m sure Trace is used to ignoring Justin when he acts like this.
“Come on Mel.” Tarin calls to me as I stand in front of the tee, staring down stupidly at the little white ball. “We need to get a good one!”
I roll my eyes, and feel like tapping the ball gently so it simply rolls somewhere that I can’t see. But I know that wouldn’t be accepted. Trace would just give me another ball to hit, and I’m sure Justin would stare at me with that same annoyed glare on his face. I look back at him, just to see if he’s doing it right now...but he’s not even paying attention to me. He’s facing Trace, whispering to him about something that’s making them both smile. I just want to slap him across his face for acting like such a stuck up jerk right now. Maybe I can pretend the ball is his face. At least that way, I might be able to get a decent shot. I figure for sanity’s sake I might as well put everything else out of my mind, and try to concentrate on the ball. So I step up, and remembering Trace’s little tutorial he’d given Tarin earlier on stance and hand position, I align myself and take a swing. Surprisingly enough the ball seems to go pretty far out, and I smile to myself because something actually went right for the first time today.
I turn back to the group, almost raising my hands in the air in a celebratory pose, but then I stop myself. It’s apparent to me that none of them were paying attention. The three of them have seemed to get into a heated discussion about something, and I guess I should have known that they would. I’m not very interesting to watch, I suppose.
“Oh, Mel did you tee off?” Trace looks up suddenly, probably realizing that I was supposed to take my turn.
I nod a little, and start to make my way back down to the golf cart.
“Well where did it land?”
I shrug.
“Wow it must have went far, if you don’t know where it landed,” Tarin grins at her boyfriend. “That means we win.”
“It’s the first hole.” Justin says, narrowing his eyes at her in annoyance. “You can’t win on the first hole.”
“Oh fuckin lighten up,” Trace warns Justin, with that death look I saw him give to him before. He goes back up to the tee and rises up on the balls of his feet, looking over the horizon for my ball. “Wow Mel, I think you might have made fairway.” He turns to me, a small smile on his face. “You ever play before?”
I shake my head, and glance back at Justin. His face is a little pale now, and it feels sort of good to have shown him up. “No, I guess I just had a lucky break.”
“Maybe she’s a natural,” Tarin chuckles.
“It was a lucky shot.” Justin brushes past me without another look, and gets into the golf cart. “Let’s go Trace.”
They drive off and I get back into the golf cart with Tarin, my confidence completely shot down. I look down at my hands and start to pick at my nails, wishing like hell that I could just go back home and sit on the floor with my cat and soap opera digest.
“Don’t worry about Justin.” Tarin speaks up a few moments later, sensing my mood. “He just gets aggressive with golf. It’s actually really lame. I just try to shoot him down as much as I can. It used to work a lot faster, but I haven’t really seen him in a couple of years. So...yeah, you understand.”
“Yeah.” I look up and force a polite smile for her, because my problems with Justin shouldn’t become her problems. I’m sure Trace wouldn’t want me to fill Tarin’s head with anything she doesn’t need to know, and hell I don’t want to either. “I know. I guess I’m just a little tired.”r32;
“You can say he’s a jerk, Melanie.” Tarin chuckles. “He is.”
Funnily enough ,as much as I want to agree with her right now I just can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t feel right about it because I don’t really know Tarin, and I would hope that Justin would do the same for me if he was in the same situation. Maybe that’s wishful thinking though, I’m not really sure. I think the bottom line is, it’s not really in my nature to talk badly about someone that I’m close to. “It’s fine,” I say with a light laugh as we pull up to where the guys have parked. “He has his moments, just like everyone else.”
She gives me a skeptical look. “So you’ve slept with him already,” she tells me, matter of factly.
“What?” I nearly tell her she has a hell of a nerve saying that to me, before I remember myself. She’s naive, right. She views Justin the same way she did years ago, and she doesn’t know my backstory...right. But still, what is that supposed to tell me about Justin? That she remembers him as a rambunctious male whore who used to have sex with women and then treat them like garbage? If I was in a worse state of mind I might believe her, but I know better than that.
She laughs heartily. “I guess that means no, so I’d be a little careful, Mel. You look lost in him half the time, and Justin is the type that can talk you into basically anything.” She pats me on the shoulder. “And usually, work and play don’t mix.”
My mouth gapes open. What she just told me has me floored. What if that whole thing about Justin being a manipulator is true? But no...she had to have been talking about the old version of Justin that she had come to know. He can’t be the same person now that he’s been through hell and back. He just can’t be. I can’t see him using a girl to his own advantages like that. He’s too reserved, too scared of hurting anybody. That’s why we didn’t kiss, because he couldn’t make the first move. So I shouldn’t be scared. I know Justin, really know him. Tarin has no idea. “I don’t know what you mean.” A burst of nervous laughter escapes me. “Justin and I aren’t...”
“Yeah. You should save the speech, Mel,” she smiles, cutting me off. “It’s obvious.”
I frown as she completely turns her back to me and walks over to meet Trace. I’m so frustrated that she can just see this shit without having to ask me any questions besides ‘have you slept with him’. What the fuck? How can she just see right through us like that? I’m starting not to like her, and that’s probably bad because I’m sure with Trace around I’ll be seeing her often. But I guess I shouldn’t be blaming everything on her. She was only stating facts, and the things she thinks she knows are true about Justin. I can’t blame her for that. I should really just blame myself, because if I’d just been a little less timid and a lot smarter this week, Justin and I would probably be horsing around like Trace and Tarin are today. r32;
After awhile, Justin calls my name and I look up at him. He’s standing there impatiently, waiting for me to take my turn. I do, happy to be able to focus on something else for the moment, and I get another decent shot. Trace smiles and makes a big deal about it, high fiving me and telling Justin he better watch his back because I’m actually giving him some competition today. But Justin of course barely looks at me, and so we just move on with the game. For nine long holes the game goes like this. Tarin and Trace continue to fuck around from hole to hole, and when we get in the the golf cart Tarin finds some pointless subjects to babble about with me. In the midsts of all this I finally am able to figure out she works for a prominent radio station in Los Angeles, and she met Justin years ago when he had been touring with that boy band of his and she had met Trace through him. In a way, I’m kind of glad she’s been around them this long. She can’t really make fake judgements about them, because really...she does know them pretty well. It’s kind of nice. I guess I can trust her more than I thought. But I get an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that what she said about Justin being manipulative is more than likely very true. I don’t want to let it bother me though, so I just try to forget about what she said and concentrate on everything else that’s going on instead.
“Damn, halftime finally.” Trace says, after the ninth hole has been completed. “I’m fuckin starved babe.” He throws an arm around Tarin’s shoulders and leans into her tiredly. “You guys wanna go back to the clubhouse and eat?”
I look at Justin, but he doesn’t seem to want to answer. He’s looking off into the distance, probably contemplating his next challenge in the game. I, however, am pretty starved and tired from all of this walking in the heat. “Yes, please,” I smile.
“Justin?,” Trace says.
Justin snaps out of it and looks at him now, seemingly confused. “What’d you say?”
He laughs a little. “Food, man.”
“Oh.” He seems to perk up at the thought. “Yeah, all right.”
We drive back, and Trace tells us all to wait while he goes inside to ‘arrange stuff’ for us. I sit in awkward silence as Tarin starts to banter with Justin about how much of a golf dork he is, and that he needs to get out more. Justin is laughing of course, and dishing it right back to her, but I can tell a few of his smiles are strained and a few of his laughs sound forced. He won’t look at me at all either, and I know now...he’s terrified of Tarin catching onto anything. It’s just too bad she already has. But I guess if things are all right in Justin’s mind that’s all that should matter. Even though they are far from all right in mine, and he’s supposed to care about that. But he just doesn’t, it’s obvious.
And that hurts most of all.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
