There’s been so much shit going on this week I’m surprised I’ve acted the sanest out of the four of us today.  But I guess that’s just me.  I’ve always worked well under pressure, and when Justin said he wanted to play some golf with me I wanted to make the day nice for him.  I know I shouldn’t have gone to as much trouble as I did.  I basically owe him nothing.  If anything, he should have been bending over backwards for me all day today.  But I guess I didn’t care about all of that.  I was just happy to be here with him, because he was acting sane around me and we were getting along.  It’s reminded me about the past, how things used to be with me and him.  I’d forgotten how much I’d enjoyed spending time doing regular shit with Justin.  I’d always found it humbling when we’d both had the time to kick back and just do whatever.  It brought me back down to reality after attending award shows and glamorous parties in LA, New York, and Europe.  Now more than ever, I can look at him and appreciate the fact that he knows me better than anybody.  I guess I got so caught up in this thing that I lost sight of that, and it made me lose a part of myself.  Things are going to work out, I know they will.  Sure,  it’ll take a long time but at least I’ve come to accept things as they are.

At least I have my best friend back again.

It’s also the first time this week that Tarin has been genuinely happy too, and I’m really glad I was able to do something to get her mind off of things.  One of the reasons I was always so into Tarin, was because she never really let anything get to her.  When we first met I have to admit, she annoyed me a little bit.  She’d hang around Justin, sit on his lap and shit like they were an exclusive couple, when even she knew they were just fooling around and it wouldn’t last.  I remember sitting backstage at an event with her once, and asking her if she really thought throwing herself at Justin was worth the trouble since he’d probably forget her in a couple of weeks.

“You gotta have some fun, Trace.  Even if things don’t work out in the end.” Her eyes had lit up a little as she’d smiled at me.  “Are you always so damn level headed?  You are in the music business, you know. You’re not supposed to have that much of a conscience.”

Then we’d both laughed, and I got to know her a little bit better.  We’d got to talking that night, finding out more about each other than we even thought possible.  In the end I realized she wasn’t such a little hussy bitch after all, and I think she found out that I was smarter than she thought I was.  I think out of all the girls I’ve dated,  Tarin was the one who taught me the most about letting loose,and not worrying about how stupid Justin could be at times.  I missed her like hell when we broke up, and I guess it’s why I never really let the feelings I had for her go.  It probably explains why we’ve rushed back into this crazy ass relationship that we have, and why we can’t keep our hands off of each other.  But..like I said, things haven’t been going so well for her this week.

For the first time ever, Tarin Somerville has revealed that she has a breaking point.  

She’s actually let someone get to her.

And that someone, naturally, is David Foster.

This weekend was supposed to be a big turning point in Tarin’s career.  I knew she’d busted her ass for six months preparing for the Movie’s Rock event.  It was basically supposed to be the icing on the cake, prove to the radio execs that she was beyond her job.  That she should be doing something really mainstream to help make the radio station even more popular than it already was.  I was happy for her, figuring that the event was going to go great and secure her the job on the morning show with JoJo, something she’d been vying after for years.  But when she’d called me that night, basically in tears, I knew something had gone very wrong.

She wouldn’t get into it over the phone, so naturally I raced down to the theater and met her on the corner.  She’d been sitting on the sidewalk, crying.  It freaked me out because I’d never seen her cry that much before.  I was ready to go find somebody and kick their ass because I thought she’d been hurt.  But then I found out what really happened, and I knew the solution to the problem wasn’t that simple.  

“David is demoting me down to a regular employee.  He says Kerri is cut out better for my job,” she’d finally admitted, once I’d gotten her to get in my car.  “He says my mind isn’t focused on the job anymore, so he doesn’t think the office is being run the same, and that the event didn’t go as well as it should have.”

I’d sighed.  I knew part of that had to do with me.  I was sure that David had found out that Tarin and I were dating, but I didn’t think it had effected her job.  In fact, I was sure it hadn’t.  But Tarin had told me that she and David had been fooling around for years, until I came back into the picture.  I’d gripped the steering wheel tightly, enraged that he would pull something as ridiculous as that.  As terrible as it was too, a small part of me was convinced that Kerri had gone along with the idea as well.  I mean, she hated Tarin, so why wouldn’t she want to see her get demoted?  It was a bad way to think, and I knew that.  But at the same time I knew Kerri had changed for the worse, and I couldn’t really trust her anymore.  “What the hell? You stopped fucking him because you found somebody that actually cares about you, so he gets pissed off and pulls this?  That’s bullshit,” I’d grunted.  “I can make a few calls.  I know people, Tar.  He won’t have a job by Monday.”

“His father is an executive at Clear Channel,” she’d said softly.  “If you make a call, his father will make a call, and then things will just get worse.  It’s fine, Trace.  I’ll just handle the situation.”

I considered what she’d told me and figured that she was probably right.  As powerful as my connections could be at times, they were no match for a Clear Channel executive.  People did strange things to make them happy, so I was positive that nobody would be firing one of their kids simply because my girl had gotten screwed over.  “The only thing that’s going to make the situation better is if you quit, or dump me and fuck him,” I’d said gruffly.  “And you know that.”

She’d sobbed a little bit.  “I never meant to put you in the middle of this, Trace.  I just...thought we could be happy and that David would look the other way.  Maybe we’re just better off not dating.”  

She looked away from me after that, and I didn’t really know what to think or say.  Was she dumping me over a fucking job?  Did she really need to be off David’s shit list that badly?  I’d scowled, becoming even angrier as each second passed.  Up until that moment I really thought I knew Tarin, inside and out.  The talks we’d had after sex had been so amazing and fulfilling that I didn’t think anything would have been able to come between us.   My heart ached.  I felt sicker to my stomach than I had when Elisha had left me.  “You really mean that, don’t you?”

“I think I’m in love with you,” she’d whispered.  “I can’t stand the thought of hurting you.  I just...don’t know what to do, Trace.  The station has been my life for so long.  I didn’t lose focus there or anything, but it’s pissing David off, you know? He can’t do whatever he wants to me anymore and he hates that.  So Kerri’s vulnerable.  She'll do whatever he wants her to do.  I didn’t count on you coming back Trace.  I didn’t think about what David might do or what might happen to my career once I stopped things with him.”

“Well I’m here.”  I’d grabbed one of her hands then, squeezing it gently.  “And I feel like I’m....falling in love here too, Tarin.  But what am I supposed to do? Let us break up so David can fuck you on a whim?  I don’t want that, and I know you don’t either.”

“Am I selfish?,” she’d cried.  “I just...I can’t lose this job.  I”m so close, Trace.  I’m so close to my dream I can taste it, and all David can do is set his sights on fucking Kerri and demoting me! How can he just do this to me now? How!”

She’d burst into tears after that, and all I could think to do was hold her and tell her that it would be okay, that I would help her work the situation out, although I really had no idea how I was supposed to.  I knew Tarin wanted to keep working at KISS, because she’d been there for such a long time and had a good relationship with the people that worked there, so finding another place for her to work was pretty much out of the question.  I considered talking to David about it for a moment, but I knew it wouldn’t help.  He wasn’t the type that let anyone intimidate or push him around.  He had too much power.  Then there was always Kerri.  I could go and try to talk some sense into her, but I just didn’t know how that would pan out.  We hadn’t exactly been the best of friends lately, and I was probably the last person she wanted to see.  But this was Tarin.  She was crying, and I... I was falling in love with her, so badly that it was physically hurting me to see her cry.  “I’ll set Kerri straight,” I whispered, as I kissed the top of her head.  “I’ll make her tell David that she doesn’t want the job or...I’ll convince her to quit.  Then he’ll lay off of you, because you’re the only one there who will know what she’s doing.”

“You’re crazy.” Tarin had rubbed her eyes and sniffled a little bit.  “She’s not going to do that just because you tell her to, Trace.”

“Kerri does what I tell her to do,” I said, without hesitation.  “She doesn’t have anyone else to give her advice right now.”

Then Tarin had pulled away from me, staring me down with a confused gaze in her eyes.  “Do you hear yourself right now?”

For a moment I was slightly confused, but then I remembered myself. I hadn’t even thought about what I was saying or how it would sound.  And then I realized that my comment had sounded almost like something Justin would have said about Kerri. “I just...didn’t think...”

“I know I don’t understand your friendship with her Trace,” she’d said, with a wave of her hand.  “But it just sounds like you’ve manipulated her since day one.  Like, she’ll bow down to you whenever you ask her to or something.  That’s wrong.”

I leaned back in my seat, mostly knowing that Tarin was right but the rest of me feeling like she didn’t appreciate that I was putting myself on the line for the sake of our relationship.  “That’s not it.  I just...you know, Kerri has done a lot of fucked up shit to me too.  I care about you, and I don’t want to see you upset.  Kerri, she doesn’t need this job okay? There’s a lot more out there for her, she’s just too timid to look.”

She’d let out a sad laugh.  “You were the one who told me how desperate she was, Trace.  That was the only reason I let her have the job in the first place.  I just don’t get you.  I mean, we both know that I don’t like Kerri but I can’t just let you...destroy her life, for the sake of our relationship.”

“I’m not...”

“Trace, think about what you’re fucking saying,” she’d cut me off angrily.  “It’s a bad idea.”

“Great.”  I’d started up the car, angry at Tarin for making me feel stupid.  We didn’t talk the whole way back to my place.  She’d gotten herself together by then, and by the time I’d parked the car she was already set to drive herself home for the night.  She’d thrown her seatbelt off, and practically ran out of my car and over to her own.  Of course I followed her, and when I’d grabbed her hand she’d snatched it away angrily.  “What the hell is your problem?,” I’d practically yelled. “I’m trying to help, Tar.  I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do here.”

She’d turned to me then, crossed her arms and flashed me a cold little smirk.  “You’d backstab a friend you’ve known practically your entire life, for the sake of a relationship that’s just in it’s beginning stages?”

I didn’t get that.  Tarin and I really knew each other inside and out, and she was making it sound like we’d just met and were casually dating.  I can’t pretend that it didn’t hurt to hear her say that, because it did.  “It’s not backstabbing.  You don’t know how Kerri works.  And where the hell are you pulling this beginning stage bullshit out of?”

“You can’t exactly count the six years or so that we didn’t see each other as a relationship, can you?  Because if that was the case, you should have kept in touch a hell of a lot more.  And it doesn’t matter how Kerri works, you’re still a jerk for trying to manipulate her.”  She’d opened her car door, and sighed heavily.  “Look.  We’re both stressed out right now.  I’m upset and I’m making you upset, so why don’t we just talk tomorrow?”

“Leaving isn’t going to make me forget about this,” I’d said after my head had cleared a little bit.  “I’m worried about you, and I feel like none of this would have happened if I’d stayed away and hadn’t cared about Kerri getting that internship.  You would have been fine, and your job would have been secure.”

“Oh, Trace.”  She’d given in and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me and giving me a little kiss on the mouth.  “You know I’m glad you came back around.  I just don’t want you making a drastic decision, because I know Kerri means something to you, and I know you don’t really want to make her life any worse than it already is.  I didn’t mean to snap at you.”  She’d leaned into me and looked longingly up into my eyes.  “But you know how I deal with pressure.”

The tension had passed, for the moment at least, and I was thankful.  I pulled her a little closer, held her a little tighter and thanked her for getting it...getting me.  I told her that I wouldn’t hurt Kerri, and that my idea was probably really selfish and immature, but I still wanted to help her figure shit out.  She seemed happy with my answer and ended up spending the night at my house...among other things.  We spent the weekend together, just trying to clear our heads.  She went to work all week, not really mentioning much about what was going on but I could still tell that she was stressed. She was supposed to go to work today too, but I guess I sort of ‘manipulated’ her into sneaking off to the golf course instead.  I guess I’m a bad influence.  But fuck, she’s beautiful, and smart...quick to defend herself and quick to laugh at stupid shit.  She’s organized too, and a great person to go to for advice.  Essentially, she’s everything I look for in a girlfriend.  I thought Elisha was it, but she just couldn’t be pressured in a tough spot.  Tarin’s so different though.  She can handle it.  I think she can handle just about anything life throws at her.  And I meant what I said too.  I really do think I could be in love with her.

I just have to learn to handle myself a little better.

It’s been a little over a week since my blowout with Kerri, and I still haven’t bothered to contact her or hell, even ask Elisha how she’s been.  I guess thats good though, because I told Kerri that I wouldn’t be.  Somehow though, I guess I knew I wouldn’t stick with that whole plan for long.  I care about her too much, and I know she needs somebody to talk to.  I was just so angry that day though, so sick of her only thinking about herself, her pain, how miserable she was.  I was trying to get through to her I guess, trying to show her that she wasn’t the only one with problems and that she had to grow up and stop feeling sorry for herself all the time.  I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I don’t know anymore.  Does she cry everyday, or is she coping?  Has she shut herself down even more now, or did I make her stronger?  I just don’t know, and given Tarin’s situation and the things I’ve been hearing I feel compelled to pay her a visit.  I know its risky, especially since I told Tarin I wasn’t going to try and manipulate Kerri into quitting her job or anything.  But I wouldn’t be doing that. I just want to talk to her and make sure her head is on straight, that’s all.  I want to work things out with her too.  I mean, she is one of my best friends.  She’s been there for my low points and dealt with them, so I should do the same...as long as she’s not degrading me that is.  But if I can forgive Justin I should be able to forgive Kerri just as easily.

It would be wrong for me not to.

For the moment though, I’ll try to focus on the day itself.  It’s more relaxing and I guess I’ve been pretty curious all day long.  When I first met Justin this morning, he seemed like his usual self.  Well...as normal as that can be for now anyway.  But when  Melanie got out of the car I saw his mood completely change.  He seemed edgy, sort of acted like a jerk and all I could think was that they’d had a fight.  But if they’d had a fight, wouldn’t that mean there was something going on?  It has me slightly worried I guess because I know how Justin can treat a girl.  The situation today has almost reminded me of how Justin and Kerri used to act before everything went down, but there’s a big difference.  

Melanie, instead of going off to pout in the corner, or saying something stupid, or crying to get the attention placed on herself, has done nothing of the sort.  She’s pretty much gone with today...Justin’s mood and the fact that she knows jack shit about golf.  Sure, in the beginning she wanted to sit out, but then I tried to set Justin straight and she seemed to calm down a little bit after that.  She played the nine holes with us, and she’s seemed to be getting along with Tarin pretty well.  She and I have seemed to bond a little bit more too, and I’m glad.  She seems to be a really cool girl, once you get her walls to crumble a little bit.  Our eyes have met a few times today, when Justin has been acting like a stubborn jackass, and I’ve pretty much been able to read her mind.  Unfortunately though, I think I know what’s going on and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing....

They’ve fallen for each other.  I know neither of them will admit that to me yet, unless I beat Justin’s ass and force him to tell me which I know I won’t do.  I can just tell though.  Justin’s been so fucked up he doesn’t know how to handle his feelings for her, so instead he just acts like a self righteous prick.  And Mel...she’s just fallen too deep to publicly curse him out.  It’s kind of cute.  I feel like they’ve been together for years when it’s only been a month or two that they’ve known each other.  Still though, I have to talk to Justin about all of this, before he hurts her.  I know that Melanie and I aren’t that close or anything, but I feel really bad about how much I assumed about her and I think this might be a way I can make it up to her.

The only problem is, Justin isn’t exactly the easiest person to pry information out of.  Especially at this point in his life.  I feel like I’m going to have to give a little to get a little...like go into detail with him about Kerri and what’s been going on.  It’s something that I really dont’ want to do, because it’s going to make him think about too much shit that he’s trying to put behind him, on top of whatever guilt I know he still has about getting her mixed up in the kidnapping to begin with.  I just hate to see him have come so far, only to come crashing down again.  That’s why I haven’t wanted to talk to him about it, but I don’t know if I’m going to have a choice today.

The food here isn’t half bad.  I like to eat when we come here because nobody ever seems to bother us, and thats a positive thing.  We can just kick back, the four of us, and have a semi normal conversation.  Of course it’s a little awkward, but that’s to be expected.  I’m pretty comfortable displaying my affection to Tarin in public, but I can feel Justin’s eyes on me half the time.  He’s probably a little jealous, and a little pissed that I can’t control myself out here today.  But fuck, I just don’t care.  Tarin’s been miserable, and so I want her to have a good time.  Justin needs to toughen up and stop letting things get to him so much, that’s all.  I drape an arm over Tarin’s shoulder as I chew my sandwich, and watch Justin and Mel for a few minutes.  He’s pushing his food around his plate with the fork, and she’s concentrating on a puzzle in the back of the magazine she brought with her.  They both seem slightly tense, and actually the only conversation that’s been brought to the table thus far has been started by either Tarin or myself.  It’s pretty lame, and I clear my throat to try and start more small talk.  But Melanie is too quick for me.  

“Shit.” She presses her pen to her lip, seemingly oblivious to the rest of us.  “Who was the father of Julie’s baby...”  Her brow furrows and she bites her bottom lip, deep in thought.  “No, Raul...ran...rain...”  She shakes her head.  “Who names a man ‘Rain’?”

Justin suddenly looks up from his plate of half eaten food, and slowly looks over at her.  “Robert.”

“Wait, I thought Robert was the one who failed the paternity test?,” Melanie says.

“Nah,” Justin says softly, looking back down at his food.  “He just said he did.”

“Oh!”  She hits the arm of her chair excitedly and flashes all of us a smile.  “That’s right, Justin.  He didn’t want to pay child support, because he was too busy doing drugs with Corey.”

“I never liked Corey,” Justin sighs.

Melanie nods in agreement.  “Yeah, I’m glad they killed him off.”

I slowly turn my head, wondering what Tarin’s outlook on all of this is.  I’m amused by the situation actually.  It’s lame that Justin is so good at soap opera trivia, but at the same time I’m happy for him.  He shares a lot of stuff with this girl . More than  I’ve  seen him share with any girl in quite some time.  Tarin of course looks perplexed, and I can’t help but chuckle a little.

“What um,” Tarin says slowly.  “What are you talking about?”

Justin shifts uncomfortably in his chair.  “Just some movie,” he says quickly.

Melanie swats his arm with the magazine.  “He means, Days of Our Lives,” she giggles.

Tarin glances at me quickly before bursting into laughter.  “You...you watch Days of Our Lives, Justin?”

Immediately a look of disgust spreads across his face, and he shifts away from Melanie a little bit.  The whole this is so amusing, I can’t put a stop to it right now.  Plus, it’s the first time Justin and Melanie have been sociable all day.  

“She has the shit on all the time,” he defends.  “It’s not my fault.”

“Maybe you should give him some ESPN time, Melanie,” Tarin chuckles, leaning her head on my shoulder.  

“Oh please.” Melanie rolls her eyes and straightens herself a little.  “He watches Days, All My Children, General Hospital, and Young and the Restless.  I tried to get him into One Life To Live, but he misses too many details because he goes and gets a snack when it comes on.”

I can’t help but smirk a little bit, especially because Justin is shooting me a death look right now.  He knows what I know.  It’s the secret of the moment that could embarrass the hell out of him.  But shit, he’s acting like a prick and I sort of want to help Melanie out a little bit right now.  “Don’t let him fool you,” I say, ignoring Justin’s dirty looks.  “He used to watch that shit all the time when he was home sick.”

The table falls silent for a moment, while Tarin smiles up at me in amusement and Melanie proceeds to cover her mouth with her hand to hide her laughter.  Naturally, she fails, and a moment later she’s laughing heartily...something I had yet to see from her.  It makes me feel good inside to hear her laugh like that.  It lets me know that she’s a person too, that she’s fun.  It just takes a little bit of work to bring all of that out of her.  The girl has walls, thats obvious, and it’s not my place to know what made her this way or anything.  Maybe if we get closer she can talk about it with me, but for now I’ll just savor the moment a little bit, and be thankful that I have a partner in crime.

“So,” Melanie smiles and nudges Justin a little bit.  “That’s how you know who Luke and Laura are.”

Justin doesn’t seem amused at all, but before I can tell him to chill out the waiter returns and Tarin starts to make small talk with him, egging me on to join in the conversation.  I pretend to listen, all the while glancing at Justin and Melanie through the corner of my eye.  I don’t like what I see.  His hand is gripping her upper arm slightly, and he’s talking to her in a low voice.  She’s frowning.  I fucking hate this.  I thought he was past this, and it’s apparent that he’s not.  It’s apparent that the smallest shit still sets him off.

And it’s really no wonder that Kerri is as fucked up as she is.
“Oh shut up and get off of me,” Melanie says harshly, pushing his hand off of her.  “You know I could kick your ass, this morning confirmed that.”

My mouth hangs open a little, and I know that I’ve completely lost touch with Tarin and the waiter’s conversation.  I’m literally floored at the moment.  I’ve never...ever...heard a woman talk that way to him before.  Even Justin seems shocked.  His eyes are wide, and he’s staring at her now, seemingly at a loss for words.  I dont know what she meant by ‘this morning’, but I do know that something must have happened, and I really need to talk to Justin about it before anything else happens.  

“What the fuck are you looking at Trace?”  Justin sneers and crosses his arms in front of him, like the stubborn asshole that he is.  

I shake my head, disappointed.  Right now he sounds like the same asshole I turned my back on a few months ago.  The fact that he’s been doing better is irrelevant at this moment in time.  I wish he’d just learn to control his moods, and grow the fuck up.  Why does he have to be taught how to treat the people that care about him? It’s just not fucking right, and so I just turn back to what I was doing...talking to my girl and eating my lunch.  Justin seems to take the fact that I’m ignoring him now as a green light to continue pushing his lunch around his plate too, and I guess it’s fine for now.

Tarin and I talk about what movie we should rent tonight quietly for awhile, until the plates have been cleared and Justin starts complaining that he wants to finish the game before it gets dark out.  I look at Melanie, and the expression on her face is telling me she’s had enough golf for one day.  “Hey, baby.”  I whisper in Tarin’s ear, inching one of my hands under her tee shirt, caressing the skin underneath gently.  

“Hmm?”

I smile at her, nearly getting lost in those amazing hazel eyes of hers before I remember myself.  “You still want to play?”

She shrugs.  “I don’t know...whatever I guess.  Why babe, you don’t feel like playing?”

“No, no.  I do.  I just...need to have a talk with Justin, that’s all.  I thought that maybe you and Mel could hang out inside by the bar for a little while.  I think she’d like that.”

She glances at Justin, and seemingly puts the pieces together before I feel the need to explain the situation further to her.  “Oh I get it,” she chuckles.  “The bad boy needs a spanking.”

“Hey. The only one I’m spanking is you,” I say playfully.

“It’s okay,” she reassures me with a light kiss.  “I’ll do my best to entertain the innocent member of the party.”

“I think you two could be friends,” I suggest, my tone hopeful.  I know Tarin doesn’t really have that many friends, and only two or three of of them are girls.  She’s always been  like one of the guys ever since I’ve known her, and I think it’s cool but at the same time I think it would be good for her to have a girlfriend to hang out with once in awhile. I mean she’s she introduced me to a couple of her girlfriends once or twice, but they’re not really anybody I’m comfortable hanging out with on a regular basis.  

“I doubt we have much in common, Trace.  She’s kind of timid for me, don’t you think?”

I smile a little.  “Yeah but you could teach her to be rambunctious.  And maybe she can teach you to mind your manners a little bit more.”

“Oh you really want to sleep alone tonight, don’t you?,” she counters, with a sly grin.  “Because I can easily arrange that, Mr. Ayala.”

“You could but...”  I grin as I slide another hand underneath her butt.  “Then who’d keep it warm?”

“I hate you.”

“But you don’t.”  I kiss her quickly.  “It’ll only be an hour or so.  If you really don’t want to, you can take my car, and I’ll get a ride with J.”

“It’s fine, silly.”  She gets up from the chair then, and smiles at Melanie from across the table.  “Hey girl, let’s go check out the a/c inside the clubhouse for a little bit.”

“Oh come on,” Justin whines.  “What about the game?”

Melanie looks nervous as I approach Justin, but I just smile a little and tell her it’s okay and to go ahead.  She does without another word, and I take a seat beside Justin.  He’s more pissed off now than before, but I don’t give a fuck right now.  “We gotta talk, man.”

“Why? Because Melanie is being a bitch?,” he says, stubbornly.  “I could have told you that.”

“You’re losing it again,” I tell him with a sigh.  “I really hate to tell you that but...it’s true.”

“I’m not losing it,” he mutters.  “You don’t even know what’s going on, Trace.”

I knew it.  “Then tell me.”

“Why?” He chuckles sadly.  “So you can just shoot me down or give me some list telling me how I should and shouldn’t look at her?”

“That’s bull, and you know it.”

“Whatever.  You...”

“Justin.” I hold my hand up to silence him, because I can see where this conversation is heading and I’m not about to get into some stupid ass fight with him, just because he’s confused about his feelings for Melanie.  “Despite what you think, I am on your side.  So why don’t you just get up and grab your shit, so we can get back out there.”  I don’t give him the chance to respond, I just walk away, and grab my golf clubs from the little rack at the edge of the patio.  I hear his golf bag clunking behind me a couple of minutes later, and I know he’s taken my advice.  I’m happy, but at the same time I don’t know what to expect once our conversation takes place.  I don’t want to fight, and I don’t want to talk about Kerri, but I know something is going to have to give and since I’m a pussy and loathe the idea of Justin and I fighting right now... I already know what’s going to happen.

“So what’s going on?,” I ask him, as he picks out his club.  I follow him over to the tee when he doesn’t answer me, and sigh impatiently.  “Ignoring me is lame, you know.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, so what do you want me to say?”

“Stop playing stupid,” I grunt.  “You’ve been an asshole to Melanie all day today, Justin.  What’s up with that? What happened this morning that’s got y’all so on edge?”

“I’m on edge, that’s all.  We had a little...misunderstanding, but it’s fine.”

He’s so full of shit, that it’s pathetic.  Who the hell does he think he is anyway? He should know damn well that he can’t get a lie past me, especially now.  “It would be really great if you’d stop with the bullshit and get to the real story, J,” I groan.  “Because you can’t lie to me.”

“I wasn’t an asshole to her today,” he barks, trying as hard as he can to concentrate on the tee and not me.  

“Fuck you.  You so were.  You look guilty as hell right now too.  Is that what you do to her?  Treat her like shit one minute and act like her best friend the...” I trail off as a brilliant theory pops into my mind, and my annoyed expression is quickly replaced with a mischievous one.  “Or,” I continue.  “is this just some new thing that’s happened now that your dick is itching for her?”

He drops his golf club and turns to me.  He’s trying to look angry, but he’s failing miserably.  The most he’s doing is giving me that immature pouty look he gets when something doesn't’ go his way.  I want to laugh.  It’s taking everything inside of me not to do it to him.

“Just because you’re fuckin your girl seven nights a week doesn’t mean I’m lusting after Melanie,” he informs me.  “Me and her are friends, that’s it.”

It’s crazy.  I can read him like a book.  His expression is basically giving away everything he’s feeling right now.  He’s falling for her, and something happened this morning that made both of them uncomfortable.  I”m wondering if they could have kissed.  It’s crazy to think Justin would cross that line right now, and I should be more worried than amused.  But times have changed.  I’m not Justin’s savior anymore, and if he wants to pursue somebody...that’s totally on him, despite the consequences of his choices.  “Shit.” I smirk.  “You kissed her didn’t you?”

His shoulders sag in defeat at my question.  “No,” he moans.

I’m getting somewhere now.  “Well, did you bone her?,” I laugh.

He glares at me.  “Fuck you.”

“Oh I get it.  You haven’t yet, but you want to, right?”

“You’re fuckin out of it.” He points a finger at me.  “I’m not about to sleep with her, Trace.    This is me we’re talking about here.  Not some sane, sexually secure guy.”  

He sighs heavily and runs a hand over his head.  I can tell that he’s getting really uncomfortable, and yeah maybe I shouldn’t be pushing him like this.  But I know Justin, and I know this situation all too well.  If I want to get answers, I know he has to feel pressured so he’ll crack.  Maybe its not all that healthy for him, but whatever.  I dont’ care right now.  “I just know how you are, man.  Come on.”

“God, it’s just her!” He raises he hands in the air.  “Her and her...her fucking.....”  He trails off and starts to pace back and forth.

“Her what?”

“It just got a little heavy this morning when we were working out,” he says quickly, not looking at me.  

“See?,” I smile.  “Now it’s coming out.”

“It came out of nowhere, Trace,” he sighs, and steps up to the tee, whacking the ball somewhere into the distance.

“What the fuck could have happened?” I shrug.  “She was sweaty...half dressed.” I pause and flash him a sly smile.  “It got your dick all in a bunch, man.  So what? You’re not the the first guy that’s happened to.  I mean...she is hot, Justin,” I narrow my eyes at him.  “I mean hell.” I lean in and look over my shoulder quickly, just to be safe.  “I’d do her.”

He shoves me away a little bit.  “Shut up,” he says darkly.  

I just laugh.  “I don’t know how it’s taken you this long to lose control of yourself anyway, J.  I should probably give you a pat on the back or something for holding out.”  I tee off after that, smile on my face, not bothering to look back and see the scowl that has surely shown up on his face by now.

“I can’t just get involved with her.  You know that.”

I turn to face him now, confident that he’s not going to flip out and say something stupid that he’ll regret later on.  “Look,” I sigh.  I know what this subject is about to lead into, but I also know I have to talk to him about it.  It’s pointless to avoid it anymore.  “You’ve learned your lesson, right?”

He cocks his head slightly.  “What do you mean?”

I look down at the golf club and twirl the head around in the grass a few times.  “Well I mean...after Kerri, I’d hope you would have learned how not to treat a girl.”

He gets distant for a few minutes and stares off into the horizon, squinting as the afternoon sunlight blocks his vision.  “I thought you didn’t want to talk about Kerri,” he says quietly.

“I was just using an example.”

“She’s not Kerri.” He doesn’t look at me.

“Exactly,” I nod.  “So what are you afraid of, Justin?”

“I just don’t want to hurt her.” He shakes his head and looks down at the ground.  “As strong as Mel is, and as much shit as she takes from me, there’s just that chance, you know?  I’ll either break her heart, or she’ll break mine...or...” He trails off and laughs a little bit, looking up at me again.  “It doesn’t matter.  It’s not going to happen anyway.  I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.”

“Justin...”

“Can we just play for a little bit?,” he asks, with desperation in his voice.  “I’m getting stressed out.”

I don’t want to push him, so I nod and softly agree to leave the subject alone for the moment.  We play a few more holes, almost in silence.  Once in awhile he’ll comment on my shot or I’ll comment on his, but that’s the extent of any conversation.  I have to admit it’s almost relaxing, but I can’t get the issues of the day out of my head for long.  We stop after awhile, and he gets that distant look in his eyes again, like something has suddenly snuck up on him, and made him realize something important.  “Justin, are you going to putt?”

He bites his bottom lip, seemingly contemplating what to say to me next.  “Trace,” he sighs.  “How is she?”

I can’t say I didn’t know this was going to happen today, so I just sigh, and shove my hands in my pockets.  “Oh...” I trail off and suck in a long breath, wishing like hell that I had a cigarette right about now.  “You know, same old Kerri.”

He narrows his eyes at me.  “You can’t lie to me either, Trace.”

I want to get a lot of things sorted out, and oddly enough it seems like I have an open floor here.  I could probably ask him anything about his relationship with Kerri and get him to fold.  Stuff that even she wouldn't’ tell me, he probably wouldn’t think twice about, and part of me is just itching to ask him about it all.  At the same time though, I feel like I’d be invading Kerri’s privacy.  She doesn’t want me to know about a lot of that stuff, so would it make me a jerk if I went behind her back and had Justin tell me about it instead?  

“I know,” I finally say.  “It’s just hard for me to talk about her. That’s all.”

“I’ve learned to move past the emotional...stuff with Kerri.” He tells me, not looking me in the eye as he takes a few practice swings.  “I think we’re both ready to discuss it, you know?  I’m over hiding shit, and not being able to admit how crappy I treated her.  Because I know I did and said a lot of shitty things to her, Trace.”

I stare at him, just knowing how much he’s progressed.  He’s not really ‘fucked up Justin’ anymore.  Sure, he’s still messed up and insecure but...he can accept what he did.  He’s moving on and I just can’t fuckin understand what’s holding Kerri back.  Why is she still such a mess over her life, and Justin?   At least Justin gets up everyday and tries to make some good out of it.  He tries not to dwell on shit.  Part of me knows it has a lot to do with Melanie too but...I mean, Kerri had me and I always supported her.  But it just wasn’t enough, no matter how much I killed myself, it was just never enough for her.

I’ll never understand.

“What’s wrong, man?,” Justin questions me softly.  “You look like the world is ending.”

I choose my words carefully.  I don’t want to get angry and start telling him how much of a crazy bitch I’ve started to think that Kerri is.  He might start to blame himself, and that’s not my intention.  “She’s just stuck, you know?  It’s like, she’s still living in the week after the kidnapping happened.  She never moved on, and I’m worried about her.  But it’s come to the point where I need to live my life too, and I can’t do that when Kerri is hanging onto me like a leech twenty four hours a day.”

He cocks his head to the side a little bit, a small smirk appearing on his face.  “Now you know how I felt, when we were together.  It wasn’t just me, Trace.  She has a harder time handling things.  It’s better to just ignore her, you know?”

I sigh heavily.  It’s like he’s using my issue with Kerri as a way to excuse himself for what he did to her.  It’s really fucked up, so fucked up that I kind of feel like kicking him in the balls.  But then again, I know I shouldn’t have expected him to respond differently.  “I’m not...I’m not ignoring her,” I tell him, seriously.  “I just think that if she really wants to get on with her life, she’s going to have to do it on her own.  She’s never really done that, Justin.  And I know you know that.”  I stare at him for awhile after that, not expecting him to answer me right away.  “In a way it’s probably both our faults for dragging her around on tours and making her think she was living your life too.”

“Whatever, Trace.”  He clutches his club tightly in his hand, turning the knuckles white.  “ It was never my job to protect Kerri from herself.  Everything she said and thought and did before and after our situation was her choice.  I’m tired of always thinking about how it was my fault that she got hurt.  She could have walked away a thousand times, and she didn’t.”

He’s being really bitter right now, and it’s starting to make me suspicious.  There’s a lot he’s hiding, and I want to confront him.  But at the same time, maybe I don’t want to know what went on with them.  It could make me really angry, and destroy the friendship that Justin and I have regained. But at the same time, I know how badly scarred Kerri is, and I just don’t have a completely legit answer as to why.  I know she was kidnapped, but then....there’s just more to it than that.

“What happened to her?,” he asks me, suddenly.  “You said she’s not living with you so, where is she?”

I’m afraid of telling him the truth for a few reasons.  One, he might try to go up to the group home and talk to her, and I know that wouldn’t have a good turn out.  Two, he might bitch me out for sending her to any kind of group home.  Places like that remind him too much of Orange Valley, not that I can blame him...but the place Kerri is in is nothing like that.  She wasn’t a danger to herself, they don’t lock her down at night and strip search her in the mornings.  It makes me sad to think that Justin had to be subjected to all of that.  I’ve tried not to really think about it for all this time, but sometimes...like right now, it will get to me.  It will make me think bad things like...if it wasn’t for my mistake he wouldn’t have had to go there at all.  But I know I can’t blame myself.  Nothing that happened could have been prevented.  

Thank god I found a good shrink to talk to.

“Trace, come on,” Justin says sternly.  

“She’s just...” I say, rubbing the back of my neck nervously.  “I mean, things were just getting really bad between us, so Elisha recommended this group therapy home she knew about.  Kerri went up and took a tour and decided to try it out, that’s all.  She’s getting herself help, and it works out better for everybody this way.  I’m not stressed out, and she’s...you know...she’s...”

“She’s out of your way,” he says, sadly.

I didn’t expect him to react that way.  He’s acting like I threw her to the side, when he wasn’t even around to experience the shitty details of what happened.  I helped her, I helped her when he was off hiding in his fucking house, like a coward.  “You know, she could have died in that car accident,” I tell him, turning back to my golf clubs.  “Where the hell were you when that happened?”

He doesn’t answer, so I just grab my club of choice and look back over my shoulder quickly.  “Well?”

“I’m not saying I didn’t fuck up, Trace.”

“Then stop acting like I did anything worse than you’ve ever done to her.”  I approach the tee, trying the best I can to calm down before I lose it and flip out on him.  “You don’t know what went on, because you weren’t there.”

“You shut me out.”

“No.”  I shake my head harshly as I line my putter up with the ball.  “You shut us both out long before that.”  I concentrate and take my shot, smoothly and skillfully, not letting the current conversation affect me.  Then I turn back to him, and can’t help but feel a little bad.  He’s wiping at his eyes a little bit now, his face red, his lip quivering.  His club is lying a few feet behind him, probably because he threw it there in anger.  “Justin...”

“I was fucking scared,” he whimpers.  “I know I fucked her up and I know she was upset.  I didn’t...know what else to do.  I didn’t want to mess her up anymore, and I thought if I just stayed away it would be better.  I didn’t count on losing you, Trace.  And I didn’t think I’d turn back into a mess again.  I just wish I could tell you how sorry I am.  I’d do anything to take it back...take everything back.  But I can’t.”  

He sits down on the ground after that, still in tears, and wraps his arms around his legs pulling them close to his chest.  “I’m fucking weak shit,” he grunts.

I feel like telling him to toughen the fuck up, and stop crying so we can finish the game.  I really should, because it’s not my job to let Justin cry and bitch about how miserable he is to me anymore.  At the same time though, I know it’s not something he’s doing to get attention or make me feel sorry for him.  I know all of this is genuine, and I guess I have to learn when to let him lean on me for support all over again.  I give in and sit down beside him, watching him sob quietly to himself for awhile.  It’s weird, but I’m being reminded of when Justin and I were kids right now.  If one of us was upset, we’d never just leave him to suffer.  Actually, growing up, I think Justin was one of the only people that completely understood me and could talk me down when I was the most upset.  “Hey, remember that time that my dad was going to leave?  He’d lost his job and started drinking again, so my mom and him were just fighting all the time.”

He sniffles and it takes him a minute or two, but he finally mutters a yes.  I bite my bottom lip, thinking back to that time in my life where I was so confused, and just wanted everybody to leave me the hell alone.  I guess I forgot about it.  I shut it out so I wouldn’t have to remember.  But now it’s sort of hitting me dead on, and I’m forced to remember how I acted.  I wanted to shut everyone out and push them away, but Justin wouldn’t leave me alone.  At the time it annoyed me, but after awhile I realized he was just trying to be the best friend he could be.  I sigh a little.  I guess... I’ve made a lot of hasty decisions.  I forgot how much he’d been there for me through all of my shit.  What happened with Justin and well...everything, shouldn’t have been enough reason for me to walk away from our friendship.

“I threw all my comics and like, two shirts and boxers into my backpack and ran away to the park.” I chuckle a little and run a hand through my hair.  “Nobody knew where I went.”

“But I found you,” he says softly.

I nod a little.  “Yeah, and you sat there with me in the rain for like an hour telling me how much of an asshole I was for hiding from my issues,” I laugh.  “We both got the flu, but you know, it was worth it because you made me realize that I was worth having around and that people did need me.  So now I’m sitting here, doing the same thing with you, Justin.  You’re an asshole because you make stupid choices sometimes, but people do need you...you’re not some kind of freak or fuckin outcast.  I know what Shane did was terrible, but if anything it should make you realize that you can get past whatever life throws at you.  He did what he did but you’re still here, and you have your whole life ahead of you, just like I do...just like Kerri does.”

“Sometimes I still wake up, feeling like it just happened.” He says it lightly, staring straight ahead.  “And I don’t want to snap again, so I just try to forget it.  Melanie, she makes me forget how I felt when I woke up, you know?”  He lowers his head and shakes it a little bit.  “I get so scared that I can’t handle that...that I’m just going to fall for her completely and scare her away.”

“She needs you too,” I say, knowing I’m right.

He rolls his eyes at me. “She doesn’t know anything about me.”

I smirk a little bit.  “Judging by that whole soap opera fanfare moment, I think she knows more than you think.”

“Fuck,” he sighs.  “Okay...okay. I guess, you know...I like her.”

“Praise the Lord,” I interrupt.

“Shut up.” Justin glares.  “Tell me what the fuck I’m supposed to do.”

I get up from the ground and hold my hand out to him, helping up to get up.  “Pick your head up out of the dirt, and remember that she puts up with a lot of shit that she doesn’t have to.  She cares about you, man.  And she’s special, so you should really try to remember that the next time you get annoyed with her.”

“Shit,” he mutters, as we make our way back to the green.  “Why did I have to act that way before?”

I laugh and pat him on the back a little bit.  “Glad to hear you admit that you’re an asshole.  Now lets finish the damn game, so I can go home and play with my woman.”

“You know,” Justin says, smiling now, the glaze gone from his eyes.  “I think I could kiss her and really feel something, Trace.”

“Slow down man.” I laugh.  “First, you have to make up for being a dick today.”

“Oh...” he frowns.  “Yeah.”

“Just relax,” I say, calmly.  “Don’t blow up at her when she tells you what she doesn’t like about how you treated her.  I think Mel is an understanding person, and she deserves a chance to have her opinions heard, you know?”

“No you’re right, Trace.  I know I’m a fuck up a lot of the time.  I’m just glad that I have you around to kick me in the ass again.”

I smile because it’s the first time in a long time that he’s said something like that to me and meant it.  I think things are really getting back on track now, and with that in mind, I’m able to finish our game with no regrets or worries in the back of my mind.  Naturally, Justin beats me by a lot more than just a few strokes, and gloats about his achievement all the way back to the clubhouse.  I take his cockiness with a grain of salt because I know that for the most part, he really enjoyed today...and so did I.  We go inside and I see the girls seated at a table in the corner, drinking coffee.  Tarin is laughing and Melanie seems to be enjoying the moment, but when they set eyes on us Melanie immediately frowns, and I can feel Justin go tense at my side.   

“Hey!,” Tarin says brightly, getting out of her seat and walking over to meet me.  She gives me a light kiss on the lips and wraps her arms around my torso.  “How’d you do?”

I smile down at her, forgetting for a few minutes that anybody else is around.  “I flubbed it so I could come back to touch you sooner.” I put my hands on her ass and give it a firm squeeze, letting out a little laugh as I do so.

“Trace!”  

I give her an innocent look.  “What?”

She rolls her eyes, but can’t hide her smile.  “You ready to go? We can rent that movie and I’ll tell the girls to come over.”

“Yeah...sure.”  I smile at her and look back over my shoulder.  I can see Justin and Melanie standing there awkwardly, waiting for us to finish our conversation.  I turn back to Tarin, a serious expression taking the place of my playful one.  “Is Melanie okay?”

“Oh...yeah,” Tarin nods.  “We talked about growing up and high school.  Stuff like that.  She’s really down to earth.  I think I’m starting to like her.”

“Starting to?,” I chuckle.

“Well you know me, baby.  I don’t warm up to people easily.”

“I know.  I just...sort of want you guys to be friends, that’s all.”  

I feel lame saying something like that to her.  I know I don’t need to play Melanie’s friend matchmaker or anything.  But at the same time, I think it would be good for Tarin to have a friend like Melanie too.  The few girlfriends she does have, I don’t really like that much.  They’re all really superficial and into themselves.  They all think its really great that she’s dating me because they think I can help her career or something.  While thats the truth, I know it’s not the reason she’s dating me, and fuck I know I’d never date her if that was the case.  I guess I’m just afraid of them feeding Tarin too much bullshit, making her as superficial as they all are.  Somebody low key and down to earth would be a lot better for her to hang around with.  It would help Tarin to see that there’s a lot more to the world and the people in it, besides the music industry.  I know its kind of wrong but sometimes I think that she’s been involved in the same position, with the same people for so long, that she’s lost sight in the beauty of everyday life.  Even though I’ve sort of been in the same situation, I’ve never lost sight of that, and I’d never want to.  

“Aw.” She strokes my face.  “Do you want to set up a play date for us or something?”

I roll my eyes.  “You know what I mean.”  I pull away from her, because I’m a little uncomfortable right now.  Not badly uncomfortable, but I feel like she thinks I’m being flaky right now, and that wasn’t my intention.  

She tilts her head to the side, confused that I’ve suddenly pushed back from her. “Babe, what’s the matter?”  

“Come on.” I hold my hand out for her take.  “Let’s walk Justin and Mel to the car, and we can talk on the way home.”

‘Oh...okay.”  She takes my hand a little reluctantly, and doesn’t try to make any small talk on our way out to the parking lot.   Justin walks beside me, and Mel walks a little bit apart from him on his other side.  I can tell she’s sort of confused right now, and I wish I could just stop walking and tell her that Justin didn’t mean to make her feel like this today.  But again, that would be lame of me.  I barely know her, and Justin’s the one that  fucked up so he has to resolve the issue.  I guess it’s the do good part of me trying to break free as always, but I’m not going to allow it to right now.  

“Good game.”  Justin shakes my hand when we reach our parked vehicles.  “Maybe next week we can do it again.”

I shrug.  “Sure that would be cool.” 

(continued next post)