I look a little bit past him as he goes in to give Tarin a hug goodbye. Melanie is just standing by Justin’s car, looking like she’d rather be anywhere but here at the moment. I glance over my shoulder, and feel a sense of relief take over me when I find that my girlfriend has proceeded to talk Justin’s ear off for the time being. It means I have a little time to say goodbye to Melanie, so I make my way over to her, even though she’s looking at me like she’d rather I didn’t. “Hey, did you end up having any kind of fun today?” I smile at her sheepishly, not quite meeting her gaze.
“I tried to.” She flashes me a tight smile. “Thanks for everything you did to make the day easier, Trace.” She glances past me, and I know she’s looking at Justin, probably wishing he would hurry the hell up. For a split second I see Kerri standing in front of me, so desperate...hoping he’ll come back to her. It’s not the case here, I know that. But it’s just such a familiar look, and I can’t help the guilty feel that starts to creep over me. “You know, he doesn’t mean to act this way,” I whisper. “He has issues that are hard to handle. I’m sorry that you had to be at the brunt of one of his bad days.”
She shrugs a little. “Don’t worry about it, Trace.” She opens the drivers side door and pauses before she gets in. “It’s not your issue.”
“Yeah I know but...”
“I can handle it, okay?” She says it sharply, causing me to shut my mouth. “I’ll see you later, maybe next week or something, right?”
I nod. “Yeah...sure.”
She gets into the car without another word, and I know that’s all the information I’m going to get out of her today. I guess I don’t understand her like I think I do. She has more walls than I want to know about, and more issues in her life that anybody should try to take on. I should tell Justin it’s dangerous, and to stick to professionalism, but I know she makes him happy, and if she makes him happy...keeps him from sitting in his room for days on end, then I should just leave it alone.
That’s what she’s here for anyway though. To keep him sane, so his friends and family don’t have to worry about him never moving on with his life, right?
Justin comes up behind me after that, Tarin at his side. I take her hand as he opens the passenger door. He waves a goodbye to me, saying that he’ll call me tonight. And in that instant, as I watch him get into the car I just know...he’s okay. This isn’t like before where I had to hope for the best and pray that he’d be able to pull himself out of a horrible fucking rut. I can just tell. Justin is stable, and I can say that he’s going to be okay. I smile a little. I can say that about myself too. I’m not depressed. My heart doesn’t ache with an ever present guilt anymore. I’m honestly going to be okay. After everything that’s gone on, Justin and I, are going to be okay.
But with joy comes consequence I guess. Because I know there’s somebody else that neither of us can say that about. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t Kerri, if I hadn’t known her practically my whole life, and if I didn’t care about her as much as I do. She’s just lost and now that I know what’s going on at her job, and with David, I don’t know what else to do but go and see her. Granted, I’m the last person she wants to see, but we’ve been through worse and have been able to carry a conversation. Yeah, I need to go, just to make sure she’s not about to make a stupid fuckin mistake. Telling Tarin is out of the question though, so I’m sure I’ll have to think fast to bail out of our movie night. I feel bad doing it to her too, but since her girls were going to come over anyway, I’m sure she’ll get over it.
“Are you mad at me?,” she asks, once we’ve pulled out of golf course and onto the main road.
I look over at her and smile, giving her knee a reassuring rub. “No, babe. Everything is fine.”
“Oh okay.” She says quietly, pulling her knee slightly out of my reach. “Before you were just acting like you were, that’s all.”
I sigh. “No that wasn’t it, Tarin. I was just being serious and it aggravated me a little bit that you were turning it into a joke.” Maybe that was harsh, but one thing I’ve learned about relationships, is you have to communicate. Once you start covering up your feelings, it leaves the other person feeling lost and confused. It’s a perfect recipe for failure and I really don’t want to that to happen to us. I know I have something special. It’s just...sometimes there are kinks that have to be worked out. But I guess that’s normal.
She rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t turning it into a joke. I just didn’t get why you were being so serious about whether or not Melanie was having a good time. You don’t really know her, and neither do I.”
I focus my attention on the road, afraid that if I don’t I might end up saying something completely out of line. “I just know how Justin is, that’s all.”
“Oh and I don’t?,” she chuckles. “Come on Trace, it’s obvious she’s infatuated with him, and she doesn’t care how he treats her as long as it means she gets to hang around him. He’s a manipulator and he always has been. I don’t know why you always try and pretend that he’s anything other than that. Don’t get me wrong, he’s my friend and I’m glad that we’re back in contact, but I’d never want to give one of his girlfriends relationship advice.”
One thing that has always irked me about Tarin, is her tendency to be a know it all. I mean yeah, her and Justin are friends I guess but she doesn’t know him like I do, and she doesn’t really have a place saying that kind of stuff about him, especially to me. “How about we just drop it, Tar,” I say softly. “We’re not going to agree.”
She sits back harshly and folds her arms across her chest. “I hate when you get all defensive about Justin. You’ve always been that way, Trace. When we broke up, it wasn’t because you couldn’t make time for me. You just didn’t want to, because kissing Justin’s ass was more important than spending time with me.”
“You weren’t about to drop your job for me either,” I say, trying hard not to lose my composure. “So don’t feed me that crap. I’m sorry I even tried to suggest that you and Mel be friends. It’s obvious you didn’t like the idea so just forget I said anything about it.”
“She wouldn’t fit into my lifestyle, that’s all.” She says, her tone calmer now. “I’m not trying to fight with you, Trace. I just...certain things in my life are set a certain way and I don’t like to change them. This week has been rough for me too, okay? You know that. I’ve been trying really hard not to bring my bad mood home to you. God... I don’t even know why we’re really arguing right now. It’s stupid.”
“I don’t want to argue,” I tell her, looking into her eyes now. “I’ve argued enough this past year, with enough of my closest friends to know how much I hate it. So many things have changed in the past few weeks, you know? It just gets to be too much sometimes. My head...it just swims with all this shit, Tarin.”
I shake my head, feeling myself becoming tense and irritated. It all seems to melt away though, when I feel her hand grab onto mine. I look at her again, and see the tears in her eyes. I know she’s sorry, that she loves me, and I just...wish drama didn’t have to play a part in our thing. Not right now anyway. “I-I’m in love with you, you know? And I worry about us falling apart because of everything else that’s going on. I saw my best friends practically lose themselves, I barely speak to my parents lately because all they want to do is ask me why I did and didn’t do things the way they wanted. I just...want to be me, and do what I do. I don’t want to take orders from anyone. And now things with Justin are getting back on track, finally. I just want you to understand that it’s important to me that he’s okay. But that’s on a different level than you and me.”
She takes off her seatbelt and cuddles into me as I drive. She doesn’t say anything, and I know that’s a sign that she gets it and all she wants to do is make me feel better. I smile a little, and stroke her hair. “You’re okay, Tarin?”
“Yeah,” she coos, looking up at me with a soft smile. “I love you too.” She sits up a little and kisses my cheek. “We can just hang out tonight if you want,” she whispers. “The girls can come over another night. We can cuddle in bed and watch the movie, okay?”
Hearing her say that makes me feel even shittier about what I was planning on doing. Lying in bed naked with my girlfriend all night sounds like a great way to relieve a lot of tension, and I know it would make her really happy too. But what should I do? If I’m really that concerned about Kerri’s current state of mind, I know I should pay her a visit. But what is that telling me? That Kerri is more important than my relationship with my girlfriend? I mean, in a way my friendship with Kerri is just that important, but in a way it’s not too. Kerri doesn’t appreciate it. She’s out of control, and I should just put it behind me.
But I just remember so much shit. Not just now, but stuff dating back to when we were kids. How she would be there, just to talk, when Justin was off in Florida filming the Mickey Mouse Club, or out on tour and couldn’t call me for a couple of weeks. We confided in one another. Both of our home lives were practically shit at that stage of our lives, and I loved her for being there for me. I don’t know what I would have done without her. But that’s not who Kerri is now. I always forget that. It’s really hard to think of her as this permanently edgy, emotional girl, who can’t do for herself. But thats the way things are right now.
And that’s why I need to try, at least one more time, to talk some sense into her.
“I’m gonna run to the store for a few things first. But I can drop you at the house,” I tell Tarin gently, trying to hide the guilt in my voice. “Then you can get settled, and when I come back I’ll fix us dinner and shit.”
“Well I can come,” she smiles. “I like to make dinner input.” She winks and pinches my side a little bit. “Dessert is my specialty.”
“Aw I know babe, but I figured I’d give my sister a call while I was shopping you know? I don’t want to tune you out the whole time.” I hold my breath, waiting for her to freak out on me for making an excuse to get away from her.
But she just smiles. “Well, okay, if you really want to do that I can just catch up on the stuff I Tivoed at your place. Just don’t be long. If you can’t find everything, just save the shopping for another day.”
I feel like pulling her close to me and praising her for understanding, even though she wouldn’t get it. If she knew I was going to see Kerri her reaction would have been completely different, and knowing that makes me feel shitty. I’ve never had to lie to her before, and so that makes it even more important that this little visit goes well. Otherwise, I’ll have wasted a perfectly good evening alone with my girlfriend. “I won’t be long, and if I am...you can blame Brittany for blabbing to me on the phone for too long.”
I drop Tarin off at the condo, not hesitating to make out with her for a good fifteen minutes before patting her on the ass and telling her I’ll be as fast as I can. I can’t deny that my dick isn’t screaming at me right now to turn the car back around, and I could probably kick myself. But I know where my priorities lie, and not going to see Kerri would probably make my mind swim with all those thoughts again, preventing me from focusing on Tarin anyway.
Christ, the things I do for Kerri Donnovan.
It’s about seven thirty when I finally pull into the driveway at the group home, and I’m already aggravated because I’d gotten stuck in traffic for twenty minutes. I try to take my time and compose myself before I get out of the car. The last thing I want to do is be the instigator of an argument with Kerri. I’m not here to fight, or argue. I just want to get some facts straight and hell, maybe try to get my friend back in the process. Taking in one final long breath, I finally get out of my car and make my way up the porch steps. I raise a fist to knock on the stained glass door, but lower it when the it starts to open. A pale faced girl meets me in the now open doorway, cigarette and lighter in her free hand. She stares at me like I have three heads, and I figure she’s probably not the happiest person in the world. “Uh, hey,” I say nervously. “I’m looking for Kerrigan. Is she here?”
The girl just shrugs, her emotionless expression unwavering. “You can go look if you want. I don’t care.”
With that she brushes past me and proceeds to light her cigarette. I have to laugh a little, finding it amusing that somebody could seem so uninterested in life. But I guess that’s probably the attitude of most girls that live in this place. Despite her welcome though, I still don’t feel comfortable just walking into the house. I knock again, then I find the doorbell and ring it a couple of times.
“God, I’m coming!” I hear a familiar voice yell.
I know it’s Kerri. So I just sort of stand there, and straighten out my shirt a little bit, making sure its free of Tarin’s lipstick or whatever else may have gotten on it from being outdoors all day long. Then she appears in front of me, dressed simply in a tee shirt and jeans. Pink socks dress her feet, and I have to smile, knowing she hates to wear boring white socks.
It takes her a few moments of staring at me, with a look of utter shock on her face before she manages to whisper, “What are you doing here?”
Part of me wants to jump for joy at the fact that she didn’t start tearing into me, but I think she’s only holding back because she never expected me to show up like this. Maybe I should have called first but hell, she probably wouldn’t have taken my call anyway. “I know it’s weird,” I chuckle softly. “I just thought we could grab a bite or something. I wasn’t sure how well they were feeding you in this place.”
She stares at me like I have three heads, as expected. I’m sure she’s thinking ‘what’s he up to’, and it hurts me a little bit because I never thought that I’d have to be the one that she didn’t trust. I was supposed to be her undying support, no matter what. But I’m only human, and I guess even I have my breaking point.
“I’m not coming if this is another lecture,” she sighs. “I just don’t have the mentality to handle that today.”
I just shrug, and flash her an innocent smirk that I know is bound to win her over. “It’s just a burger and a shake, Ker.” Inside I’m desperate. I know how fake I’m acting right now, but I know I have to try and hide it all from her. She needs to believe that I’m just being carefree and bored. The Trace that she knows would act like that right now. The new Trace freaks out and yells at her like a father would, and I know I can’t be that way with her anymore.
She hesitates for awhile, looking like she’s about to tell me to get lost and slam the door in my face. But then when she sighs, and rolls her eyes I know I’ve sort of won. “Let me get my bag,’ she huffs, and shuffles away.
I take the moment to catch my breath, not even realizing I’d been holding it the entire time she’d been standing there. I forget all about Tarin, and the fact that she’s waiting for me. It’s like I’m living in the past right now, and the only people that really matter are Kerri and Justin. I love this girl, I know I do, and she means more to me than I like to admit. I cant just drop her like some kind of meaningless bimbo. What the hell was I thinking about? I don’t even know.
She’s my friend. She’ll always be, no matter how shitty things get. And I have to look out for her right now, because I know if I was in her situation she’d do that same for me. I can say that without hesitating, so I know that I’ve crossed my little bridge...gotten over how things have been going. Now I can focus, now I can move ahead even more than I was before.
But Kerri needs to learn to do that too, and I guess I have to be the one to show her how.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
