The other day in group Susan made us go around the circle and talk about a significant turning point in each of our lives, that had nothing to do with the traumatizing experience we’d been through. It seemed easier for some girls than others. Enough time had passed where I knew most of their backstories and the reasons why they were living at the home. Almost all of them were rape victims. Some by strangers, and some by abusive boyfriends and spouses. There was one woman, Vicki, who had been on the run from her ex husband for years before he finally got to her. He’d kidnapped her and locked her in the trunk of his car for a few days before anybody found her. I think I can relate to her the most, even though I haven’t made any attempts to get close to her. Stuff like that scares me. I keep thinking I’ll get too into what happened to me and my dreams will just get worse.
I tend to keep to myself outside of group.
When my turn had come I couldn’t really think straight. I was trying to come up with something insignificant, even though I knew that wasn’t what Susan wanted. I was afraid to delve too deep into my past I guess, afraid I’d conjure up some memory that would depress me even more. The room had been deathly quiet, and everyone had been staring at me, waiting for me to share my story. It made me even more uncomfortable, and I’d wanted to run away and hide in my room for the rest of the night but I knew it wouldn’t be fair to the other girls. I tended to forget that I wasn’t the only one in pain, and everyone in that circle hurt just as badly...if not worse, than myself. I had closed my eyes and tried to think back to a time when I wasn’t as messed up, when Shane and Nathan weren’t a menacing force in my life.
And I did remember.
My senior year of high school had been a trying one. Justin and Trace were off doing exciting things in Europe, coming home every couple of months or so for a week off. I was basically left to fend for myself, battling the cliques at Millington High School. I was really reserved, only having one or two acquaintances in my English class that I talked to in the mornings. They didn’t ask to come to my house after school or hang out on the weekends, because they knew who I was and where I lived. I’ll admit, having a friendship with Justin had its drawbacks once he got famous. People viewed me as stuck up, because I kept to myself. They felt I acted like I was above them or something, when that wasn’t the case at all. I guess that’s why I excelled in my schoolwork, because I had nothing else to do with my free time.
My parents had been caught up in their own troubles of course. My mother had miscarried the prior year, and it had left her shattered I guess. I hadn’t really been able to talk to her because of how depressed she was, and my father had been drained most of the time, between working to support us and trying to make my mother snap out of her funk. I never held it against them, but it did hurt me a lot. I think that’s why I decided to fill out all those college applications, so I could get the hell out of Millington and start my life fresh. NYU had been my first choice school. The thought of living in a busy city like New York had excited me, and I already knew a little about the atmosphere because I’d been there with Justin a few times before. It was expensive of course, but my dad had felt so bad about the current living situation at home, he told me he was willing to pay for it, if I was accepted.
So I’d crossed my fingers and waited. April came, with the promise of a dateless prom, and still no acceptance letter. I remember sitting in home room, watching all the popular girls giggle and whisper about who they thought was going to ask them, and what kind of dress they were going to get. I felt left out, even though I had always tried to pretend I didn’t care about stuff like that. The truth was, I really did care. I wanted to be popular for just a couple of weeks and giggle with my girlfriends about boys and dresses too. But unfortunately my situation was a little different, and I had accepted that awhile ago.
The only thing that had kept me going at that time of the year, was the fact that Justin and Trace had returned home from touring overseas. NSYNC’s career had sort of been put on hold for a month or two, while their management came up with a way to boost the groups popularity in the U.S. Of course I had no issues with that. It meant Justin and Trace would be home for awhile, and I really needed them to be there for me at that point in my life. I’d spend hours with them after school, doing my homework and watching them horse around like kids. It was a great way to relieve stress, and because of that, I never really felt the need to get into the issues I was having behind closed doors at home.
It was only when Justin had come to me, telling me he was going to have to move back down to Florida permanently, that I lost my composure. I just didn’t understand it. He explained to me that the majority of his record label and management was based down there, and Disney was going to help get NSYNC’s american career started. I mean, that was great and of course I was happy that he was finally getting a break, but it wasn’t like I could pack my bags and hightail it down to Orlando with him and Trace. I had school to think about, and my future along with it. It pissed me off so much, that I hadn’t been able to look him in the eye when he’d given me the news.
“I want you to come, you know,” he’d told me. “If you don’t get into NYU just forget it and come down to Florida, Ker. We can be together, all three of us.”
The fact that he had wanted to include me in every aspect of his career excited me. Going to Florida with Justin and Trace meant I wouldn’t have to stay in Millington anymore, and I’d get to see the world. I knew my parents wouldn’t have approved at all, but I didn’t really care at that point. I knew Lynn would sweet talk them into letting me go, telling them that I had an opportunity of a lifetime or something like that. I almost didn’t want the acceptance letter to come after Justin had told me that. I was young, stupid, and practically head over heels in love with him. College didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered when it came to Justin.
The prom came and went, and instead of getting all dressed up and renting a limo, Justin, Trace and I spent the evening behind Lynn’s house with a bottle of Jack and a bag of weed. It was probably one of the most relaxing nights I’d had in awhile, and I’d secretly wished life could have been like that all the time. The idea was impossible though. Monday morning Justin’s management had called him, telling him that he had to fly out to LA to do some interviews with the group. I’d been sad, because it meant life was going to fall back into its normal routine. I’d be at school, alone and bored, while Justin and Trace went back their exciting lives. It was then that I’d really started to pray that I wouldn’t be getting into NYU. Being without the two people that cared about me the most was really starting to get to me. I wanted to throw my future away. I wanted to just kick back and let Justin handle things.
And I almost did.
At the end of May I received a letter from NYU stating that I’d been placed on the waiting list. My father had been happy, telling me that it meant I’d most likely get in but that if I received an acceptance letter from my second choice, which was Tennessee State, to take it instead. The thing was, I had been happy. Happy to be wait listed, because it meant I wouldn’t have an issue taking Justin up on his offer. I hadn’t told my parents then of course, but I had no intention of going to Tennessee State. It just wasn’t worth it. NYU was one thing, but if I couldn’t attend my dream college then what was the sense of not being around my best friends? I had called Justin right away and told him the news, and he’d been excited of course telling me that we’d be able to spend the summer together on tour while I waited for an answer from NYU. Trace had been excited too, even though I could hear a slight hesitation in his voice when he’d told me that I should come out on the road.
It had taken a lot of persuasion on Lynn’s part, to get my parents to let me go out on tour with Justin. They just didn’t feel it was the right place for me to be, with so many other things on my plate. Justin had to be at tour rehearsal's during the week of my graduation, and my parents didn’t think it was right that I would be missing out on something so important just so I could ‘watch Justin sing and dance’. After a ton of persuasion on Lynn’s part, the agreement with my parents had been, if I graduated the proper way I would be allowed to go with Justin on tour for the summer. To this day I don’t even know how Lynn did it, but somehow she managed to talk the management into letting Justin come home for two days to graduate with his would-be high school class. I’d been ecstatic of course, even though my parents had no idea of the plan Justin and I had formed so that I could stay on the road with him permanently.
That summer had been a great one. I’d never met so many people and been able to see so many different places in my life. Despite the luxuries of my traveling though, the best part of the whole thing was being able to spend the time with my two best friends. I was finally accepted into their little world, and received all the perks that came along with it. Finally I knew what I’d been missing out on, and it made me upset that I’d been forced to stay behind and deal with a normal life for so long.
In late July, NSYNC performed in Disney World, in front of a bunch of screaming girls. I think that was when I first realized how big they were becoming, and how easily I could lose Justin if I didn’t stay as close to him as I was. That scared me. The whole business scared me. At times I didn’t know how to handle it, especially when Justin was surrounded by a ton of people I didn’t know. I tended to stick close to Trace’s side then, and he never let me feel out of place.
I got a call the day after the concert. I’d been alone in Justin’s newly purchased Florida home, as he’d been out on radio interviews with his mom and Trace. My father had called to tell me that NYU had taken me off the waiting list and I was going to be able to attend classes in August. In that moment I’d sort of forgotten where I was and what I’d been doing since June. The only thing I could think was, I’d gotten into my first choice school. I’d felt accomplished, like I could conquer the world.
And then Justin came home.
Immediately I’d been brought back to reality, especially after he’d plopped down beside me on the couch and threw his arm around my shoulders.
“We’re going to Europe next month!” he’d grinned at me, his eyes sparkling. “I can’t wait to show you everything!”
Trace had slowly sat down in the recliner adjacent to the sofa, and I’d met his gaze. I could tell just by looking at him, that he knew something was off with me. That’s the way Trace had always been. When he knew I was holding back he didn’t have to ask me, he could just tell. I’d felt terrible. Here was my chance to go to Europe, to see the world...to spend time with Justin...to let him fall in love with me finally.
And I had been accepted to NYU.
I almost didn’t tell Justin anything. I almost decided to cut my parents off completely and forget about the fact that anything detrimental had happened regarding my college education. I thought if I just kept my mouth shut, and kept on going like I was that everything would just magically fall into place. I wouldn’t have priorities, I’d only have to live on a tour bus with Justin and Trace for the rest of my life.
“You know,” Trace had said to me one night, while we sat backstage amongst the hideous wardrobe that the guys were forced to wear. “My mom told me you got accepted into NYU.”
I’d looked at him like he was crazy. I didn’t know how the hell she could have gotten that kind of information, but I had a small feeling that Lynn may have gotten the news from my father, and had decided not to tell Justin. “Yeah, so?” I had shrugged, trying to act like it didn’t bother me.
“So you’re not gonna go?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I’d said quickly. “I’m happy here.”
“You’re happy doing what, Kerri? Following us around and watching Justin get famous? How is that living?”
“What the hell?,” I’d snapped at him. “That’s exactly what you’re doing, Trace.”
“I’m not fucking book smart,” he’d informed me, coldly. “Don’t you think if I thought I had half a chance at excelling in college that I would have gone? It just wasn’t for me, and Justin knows that. I’ll be okay out here, I’ll figure out my own thing. But you have a chance to do something better with your life, and for you to throw that all away to spend time with us, doesn't make any sense.”
I’d shaken my head, about to tell Trace to just leave me alone about it. I’d tell him that I’d made my mind up. That I was going to stay here and be happy. “I’m not going to....”
“I’ve never asked you to do anything for me,” he’d interrupted. “I’m not going to sit here and tell you it wouldn’t suck not having you out here either, Ker. It would. I’d miss the hell out of you. But I can’t let you throw away something this important. Just do the right thing and go to school, Kerri.”
In my heart I knew he was right. I couldn’t just forfeit my future. After all, I had worked hard in school to be accepted into the college of my choosing. How was staying involved in Justin’s career showcasing all of my hard work? How was I supposed to get any real life experience if I depended on Justin all the time? I almost felt bad for Trace, because it seemed like he felt this was how his life had to be. Like he wasn’t good enough for school or anything else. “What am I supposed to tell Justin?”
He’d put his arm around me. “Tell him you have to go to school. He’ll get it.”
It was the first time I’d every really made a choice about separating myself from Justin. Before that it had been no contest. I’d chosen Justin first over everything else. But thanks to Trace, I knew I had to go out and live my life, even if it meant I wouldn’t be as close to Justin as I was. There had been sadness in his eyes and voice when I’d told Justin my decision. Even though he’d told me he was happy for me, I knew he wanted me to stay. Part of me wanted to give in too. But I’d made a promise to myself, and a promise to Trace too, and I knew I couldn’t just go back on that.
It was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. Sometimes I look back on that summer, think about how Justin and I kissed on the hill while we watched the stars and I wonder how much different things would have been if I didn’t listen to Trace. What if I had stayed out on tour? How much different would our lives have been?
I’ll never know the real answer.
Later, Susan told me that she was glad I had shared that memory with the group. She said it had given them all more of an insight as to who I was, and what my real demons were. Even though I hadn’t used Justin’s full name or anything, the girls got the gist of my issues. I’m sort of proud I was able to make it through the whole thing without breaking down. It has to mean that I’m making progress and that I’m starting to move on. Although, seeing Trace and sitting here with him now has me rethinking all of that. I’m nervous as hell, afraid that he’s going to start to give me a lecture or yell at me because he knows what’s going on at work. I watch him in silence as he looks over the menu, even though he’s been here a thousand times before.
“Do I want a burger or do I want chicken?”
I know for a fact that he didn’t ask me to come here so I could help him decide on his dinner choice, and I just wish he’d get to the fucking point. I won’t get mad though. He’s been calm and collected since I met him on the front porch earlier, so I guess that doesn’t give me grounds to get annoyed with him. “Trace?”
“Hm?”
I let out an annoyed sigh. “I know you asked me to come here for a reason.”
He lowers the menu and narrows his eyes at me. “I figured we could skip the reason. I mean, what’s the sense in arguing anyway? You know what you’re up to and so do I. Whether or not it’s the right thing to be doing, probably isn’t worth going over with you.”
“Oh god.” I cross my arms and lean back harshly into my booth seat. “Don’t pull that guilt crap with me Trace.”
He just shrugs. “It’s true. You’ll just tell me that I’m wrong, I’ll get pissed because you won’t hear me out, and then we’ll just end up in the same situation as last week. I’m tired of the circle Kerri. Me and you, we’re supposed to be closer than that. I don’t know how we fell apart so fast. I just know that I’m not the same person without you in my life.”
I roll my eyes and laugh a little. “Come on, Trace. You’re fine without me. You just feel shitty about last week. I do too, so whatever...just forget it and let’s move on okay? You don’t have to kiss my ass anymore.” I pick up the menu and start to study it, like everything is just fine. On the inside it’s a different story though. I know he feels bad about last week, and I know he’s sorry too. But I’m still hurting. He basically told me I was worthless, and I don’t understand how I’m just supposed to get over that. I’m not the same person I was when I was seventeen. I can’t let shit just roll off my shoulders, because I’ve practically lost everything that’s ever meant something to me.
“I just don’t want you to make a decision you’re going to regret,” he says, almost silently. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”
“What?,” I scoff. “I was offered a promotion and I’m taking it, Trace. You’re just pissed because your girlfriend is getting shitted on.”
“Damn it,” he says harshly. “That’s not the reason why.”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t believe you.” I slap the menu down on the table and meet his harsh gaze with an even more intense one. It gets him to back down a little, and I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere now. “David thinks I’m good enough for the position. He actually believes in me, Trace. I’m not going to curl into a ball and go back into my hiding place because Tarin is depressed.”
He sighs and shakes his head, letting out a small snicker as he does so. “Do you know David? I mean like, at all?”
I shrug. That feeling is starting to creep up on me now. The one that has always told me that David is bad news. I quickly force it back. Fuck, I’m going to be right about this one if it kills me. “What’s to know? He’s my boss.”
“Yeah, but he’s also a manipulative asshole.”
I flash him a sarcastic smile. “Well great! I definitely know how to handle those types of people. I had plenty of experience with Justin.”
“You see what I mean?” He throws his hands up, letting one land on the top of his head. “Everything goes back to Justin with you, and I wasn’t even going to bring him into this. I just wanted to tell you to watch your back, and you completely changed the course of the conversation.”
I wish that Trace really knew what happened that night. If he did, he’d probably understand why I hate Justin so much right now. Actually, I doubt he’d even talk to Justin. Maybe I should have told him. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t be at Susan’s, and Trace would still care about me. But I just can’t tell him. I know it would kill him, especially now, since he’s become friends with Justin again. I guess it’s just one of those things. I guess I’ll always be the victim. “I get the point. I’ll watch my back.” I glare at him a little, and concentrate on the menu again.
It’s quiet for awhile. The waitress comes and takes our orders. I’ve lost my appetite for the most part so I just order some french fries, which causes Trace to groan and order double food for himself so he can try to make me eat something. It’s another factor that lets me know he still cares about me very much, and I wish I wasn’t such a shitty friend to him.
“He’s sorry, you know.” Trace finally says. “Whatever happened between you two sucked. I know that. But he knows how much it hurt you, he’s changed and ...he’s sorry, Kerri.”
I just stare out the window and laugh a little bit. I don’t know what he’s doing right now, but if he thinks he’s going to get me to see Justin or something he’s fucking out of his mind. I can’t handle that. Actually, Susan and I discussed it the other day and both agreed that I shouldn’t make any contact with Justin for at least a year. Then if I want to talk to him, I can make that choice on my own. She’s right though. In order me to move on with my life I have to cut him out.
The only problem is, a big part of me knows that I don’t want to.
“I know you’re not ready to forgive him, and that’s cool,” Trace continues. “But as far the friendship you and I have goes, it doesn’t help things when you criticize the things I’m doing to help myself, and keep bringing up the past. I mean yeah, I’m sorry that I’ve been spending a lot of time with Tarin and Justin. But I’m a lot healthier and happier because of it. I just wish you could find your vice, Kerri. I wish there was some way you could learn to move past everything too, without destroying your friendship with me a long the way.”
It’s weird. Seeing Trace and coming here with him tonight has turned my brain upside and inside out. I completely forgot that ever since my little date with Cooper, I’ve barely been thinking about him, or the fact that he’s been so angry with me. I guess Cooper took my mind off of things more than I thought he would. I mean yeah, we kissed. We kissed and it was great. But that’s not the only reason I’ve suddenly become so drawn to him. He talks to me, and listens. He genuinely cares about everything I tell him, and he’s patient enough to understand how whiney I can be. I’m just amazed. So amazed, that I’ve become a little bit addicted to him.
I spent most of my free time with him over the last week. We saw a couple of movies, went to the mall and got his sister that nifty gift card I suggested, and went for a few walks. It was nothing extravagant, what we did. But I can honestly say, I felt more refreshed just walking through the mall with him than I’ve felt around Trace or Justin in years. He’s funny. He’ll tell me some of the most ridiculous stories I’ve ever heard, but always manages to make me smile in the end. I can’t remember the last time I smiled so consecutively, and I think he knows that.
I think getting me to smile everyday was his plan all along.
Do I think we could get serious? I don’t know how to answer that. I mean, I know I like him. That’s obvious. But part of me is still so terrified of trusting somebody like him. I’m afraid he’ll use me, or find something out about me that will drive him away. I couldn’t take that kind of pain, so it’s probably why I’m trying to bar myself from completely falling for him. It’s not working though. Every hour I spend with that kid, I find myself falling deeper and deeper into him. Sometimes he’ll ask me what I want to do, and I’ll just say I want to sit on the couch with him and watch TV. He gets this look in his eyes when I say that. Almost like...he knows I’ll be here for the long term. And part of me is scared of that too, because what if I can’t do it? What if I have to leave him or something? He’d be shattered.
I couldn’t live with that either.
The fact that Trace is sitting here, basically making me feel like I’m some kind of helpless idiot makes me want to keep hanging out with Cooper though. I guess it would make me feel like I’m proving him wrong, and maybe he’ll feel like I’m sort of putting him off to the side like he did to me. Although, that’s almost like using Cooper to my advantage, which isn’t good either. But Trace wants me to have a ‘vice’, so I guess Cooper is probably the closest thing I have to one right now. “I’ve been doing other things,” I tell him, with a roll of my eyes. “I hate that you assume so much about me.”
“I don’t assume,” Trace groans. “I just know you. And what have you been doing? Don’t talk about what’s going on with David either, because he doesn’t count.”
His remark hurts me inside, and I really feel like telling him to fuck off. But is that going to make things better? No. And I know I didn’t come here to fight with Trace. He just wants to know what’s going on with me, and hell I really can’t blame him with what’s been going on at work. “I’ve just been hanging out with someone. It’s going well. At least I think it is.”
He looks at me strangely, like he can’t comprehend what I’ve just told him. “Who?”
The fear in his voice is more than obvious, but I can’t get annoyed. He has good reason to be worried about the people I talk to. I’m not exactly the best judge of character when it comes to trusting people, and while it sucks to admit that, at least I know Trace is right about this one thing. “Cooper. You remember him, right?”
For a few minutes he’s lost in thought, trying to remember. But then it seems like the realization hits him dead on, because his eyes widen and he narrows them at me like he’s completely annoyed. “That guy that was hitting on you at the birthday party?”
I groan. “He wasn’t hitting on me. We were friends before that.”
“Still.” He shrugs a little bit. “You don’t know him all that well. I don’t trust it.”
“Fine, Trace.” I let out a sad laugh. “You’re sitting here talking about me finding a vice and moving on, so I tell you what I’m doing and you just shoot me down. I don’t get it, but it’s fine. I’m not going to argue about it anymore.”
“I’m just giving you my opinion,” he sighs. “You don’t have to agree, or change what you’re doing just because I don’t like something. Fuck, if Justin had done that, he wouldn’t have a career.”
I feel my stomach do a summersault at the mention of Justin’s name, but I don’t push the subject. Actually, I start to think fast to get off the topic as soon as possible. “I told you because I thought you’d be happy that I had started talking to someone. I guess I just forgot that I can’t tell you whatever I feel like anymore.” I frown a little. “And it really sucks, Trace. You’re the one person I’d probably want to bring him around, and it’s like...I know you’ll just interrogate him like the last time, so it’s not worth it.”
His shoulders sag in defeat and I know I’ve hit him hard with what I just said. But I mean, it’s the truth. He’s shooting me down for no reason, and contradicting everything he told me in the beginning of our conversation.
“I just worry about people taking advantage of you,” he tells me sadly. “I guess I’m happy that you’re trying to take that next step forward. I just don’t want to see you get hurt anymore than you have. You get it, right?”
For the first time in awhile, I can see why Trace feels the way he does. The pain in his eyes and in his voice is telling me that he only wants the best for me, and I haven’t been making it easy lately. I know I was wrong with how I acted, but now I just want to get ahead. He seems like he’s on the borderline of accepting what’s going on, but I know
Tarin’s feelings are holding him back from telling me to go ahead with my promotion. I can’t blame him, but I can’t go along with how he feels either. “I get it. But I think we’re almost going our separate ways here. I know you can’t side with me on the promotion, and Cooper really doesn’t have anything to do with you. But I think I’m going to go ahead and try both out, and just see what happens.”
“Is this really you talking to me right now?,” he says, in disbelief. “All independent and shit?”
I look over my shoulder and laugh a little. “Pretty sure, unless those voices have crept back into your head again.”
“You seem a little happier,” he laughs. “So I guess Susan is helping you, and that’s good. Just...” he pauses and reaches across the table to take my hand in his. “Just promise me you’ll be careful, Kerri. I don’t care who you hang around or what you want to do with your career. Just make sure you’re looking out for yourself, that’s all I really wanted to drill into your head tonight. So I’m sorry if I kind of lost it, and went on another tangent with you.”
“You’re like my brother Trace. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect you to act this way.” I roll my eyes, but in a playful way this time. I’m actually pretty surprised at how fast our conversation turned around. Trace isn’t as clingy as he used to be. He’s okay with letting me go to do my own thing, and seeing what happens. I guess it might have something to do with him being busy with his girlfriend and stuff. It’s better this way though. It means our friendship will be healthier in the long run, and I’ll be able to talk to him more. Hell, maybe in a few months we’ll have the same friendship that we used to.
I won’t hold my breath on that one though.
I help Trace finish the food he ordered, and he drives me back to the home. On the way Cooper calls me and I spend about fifteen minutes on the phone with him telling him about my day. At one point I can see Trace smirking out of the corner of my eye, and while I know he isn’t completely comfortable with this new “start” for me, I know he’s somewhat happy for me. That’s all I can ask for really, for him to accept what I’ve decided to do. I think his opinion means more to me to me than he’ll ever know, especially now.
Especially when he’s the only one I can trust a hundred percent of the time.
“Call me,” Trace tells me, when we pull back into the driveway. “Maybe you know, me you, Tarin, and this Cooper guy can all go to dinner sometime next week.”
“Oh, I dunno.” I say quickly. Being in the same room as Tarin at this point, probably isn’t the best idea considering David just demoted her and gave me her desk. I’d never tell Trace how bad this week was for Tarin, because I’m sure she didn’t let him know. But it was pretty bad. Monday morning, I walked into the office and was summoned upstairs by David almost immediately. He told me that Tarin was packing her stuff and I’d be able to take over her desk by the afternoon. I was a little bit shocked at how fast everything was moving. I probably should have taken the hint though, when he showed up unexpectedly at the event Saturday night.
I don’t know what happened exactly, all I know is that David had texted me asking me if I was with Tarin and I had told him no. I mean, I wasn’t going to lie. She’d sent me off on some ridiculous errand. Apparently one of the artists wasn’t satisfied with the brand of water they were given, so I was sent to get it at the last minute. When I got back, I walked in on David screaming at Tarin for something. Anybody else would have cried I’m sure, because he’d really been ripping her apart. But she’d just been standing there quietly, taking everything he dished out to her.
“I want you out of my fucking sight,” he’d snapped. “And you can clean out your desk Monday. I’m putting you down with the girls.” He’d paused then, as if on cue, and looked over at me. “Kerri will fill the position.”
My mouth had hung open. I felt like I’d just been tossed into the middle of whatever issues David was having with Tarin, and I didn’t know what to say or do to explain myself. But I found out that I didn’t need to say anything. Not even a minute later she simply shrugged her shoulders, gave David the finger, and walked out of there like it couldn’t have mattered to her. It was then that I saw what Trace saw in her. Her boldness could have turned any guy on, and I was sure it was why she had him wrapped around her finger. It was how I wished I could be at times, and I guess then...I found myself not hating her as much as I had before.
“You don’t know?,” Trace says, slightly disappointed.
“Tarin doesn’t like me right now.” I laugh lightly. “It’s just a bad idea.”
He shrugs. “She’ll get over it. It’s a job, and it’s not your fault that David is doing what he’s doing.”
I know he’s hiding a lot from me right now, because I’m sure Tarin has said a few choice words about me to him, since David demoted her. I can’t blame her, but I don’t really feel bad either. “You don’t have to pretend Tarin is over what happened at work, Trace. I know she’s not. Hell, I wouldn’t be.”
He nods a little. “I guess I try too hard sometimes.”
“Understatement.” I narrow my eyes at him. “But look, if you want to meet Cooper maybe we can go out with Elisha some night soon. It would be fun.”
He bites his bottom lip. “I can’t just not include Tarin.”
“You’re not including her now.”
He sighs. “She doesn’t know I’m here.”
I laugh. He’s so pathetic sometimes, and it kills me. “Trace, just nevermind. I’m glad you’re trying to make this all work but it’s just not going to. I’ll see you soon.”
He nods, seeming to get it and understand my point. “You really like this guy, huh?”
“God, he’s just a friend.” I say, trying to sound believable. It doesn’t work though, because he’s smiling now.
“That’s good,” he snickers. “You probably need somebody else outside of this little circle to talk to anyway.”
“I guess so.” I shrug. “Change is usually better.”
His playful expression fades after awhile, and he looks at me seriously. “I love you Ker,” he says to me.
“I know.” I manage a half smile. “I love you too.”
We hug for a long time after that, and it feels good. It’s one of those Trace hugs I haven’t received in a really long time, and I know that I needed one. I wonder how he views my hugs. Does he long for certain ones from me? Or does he not care? “I’ll talk to you.” I say, when we finally let go of each other. “Bye, Trace.”
“Look out for yourself,” he warns me one last time, as I get out of the car. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
Then he’s gone. He didn’t walk me to the door. He didn’t try to get me to change my mind about anything that’s going on in my life. He just wanted to reassure me, hug me a little bit, and tell me to take care of myself. It’s so weird to see this version of him. The one that doesn’t try so hard. I really wonder what he’s been up to, and how things with Justin have been going. I guess they’re going well, because he wouldn’t have brought him up so easily otherwise. That’s good though. It’s good that they’re friends again. And I...I should be happy that Trace still wants to be my friend.
But I’m also wishing that I could have the same friendship with Justin too.
It sucks. I sit down miserably on the steps and prop my chin up on my hands, trying to rid my mind of Trace and Justin and everything else that comes along with them. I wish I could call Cooper back, but he’s working at Borders tonight and I don’t want to bother him there, even though hearing from me would probably brighten up his work time. With a little smile, I pull my cell out of my pocket and flip it open, ready to send him a friendly text. But I realize I already have a new text before I can do anything, and when I see who it’s from my heart starts to beat a little faster. It’s late, and nobody is at the office tonight, I know that. So then what could David possibly need?
Hey you. What are you up to right now?
I take a breath, and wonder if I should answer. I could always tell him that my battery was dead, because I’m sure he’d ask me why I didn’t respond to his text. But I don’t know if he’d see through my lie. David is pretty good at seeing through people and getting the truth out of them. Trace has a point about David being manipulative, I’m just not entirely sure about the asshole part yet. Sighing, I figure it wont hurt to text him back, and so I do.
Not too much. Just got back from dinner.
His answer comes almost automatically.
Too bad. How about just a drink then?
I’m not stupid. Alcohol and Kerri do not mix, and that definitely means that alcohol, Kerri, and David don’t mix at all. I text him back quickly, hoping he’ll get the hint and leave me alone.
I’m not sure I’m up for that. Maybe another night.
The text chimes come again, and his answer isn’t what I want it to be.
We agreed to meet this week for dinner and a drink. I thought tonight being Friday, would be a good time. You’re not avoiding me, are you?
If it’s not one thing it’s another. It’s not like I can just blow David off, because he’s my boss. I guess I do owe it to him to go out with him tonight. After all, he did just promote me and I’m sure all he wants to do is touch base and go over his expectations, stuff like that.
No, I’m not. You’ll have to pick me up though.
I get an uneasy feeling inside, knowing that David is going to be my source of transportation this evening. I mean I guess if he got too drunk, I could always get a cab. It’s just hard because I’m so terrified of doing anything like that. The only thing is, David doesn’t know anything about that stuff. He knows the media blitz side of it, but that’s all. He doesn’t know how much I cry or how many times a night I wake up from a nightmare. But I guess it’s not his place to know. This is supposed to be a professional relationship, and I know if I want to make it in the real world I’m going to have to suck up a few emotions and be an adult for once. I mean, Justin did it, and he...he was raped.
So why the hell can’t I do it too?
David texts me back telling me he can pick me up and asks me for the address. I give it to him, a little concerned that he’ll notice I’m not living normally but knowing that he’ll have to accept it and respect it if he wants me for the job. Part of me is wondering if he’d even care anyway, but I guess I’m just paranoid. I shrug the insecure feelings off my shoulders, and hurry inside the house so I can put something more suitable on for my outing. I know David likes classy looking women, and I don’t want to come on as immature. Not that I’m trying to come onto him, because that’s the last thing I’d want to do. But I just want to seem more professional...more like Tarin I guess. She always looks totally together and professional, and I know David liked that about her.
I practically beg one of the girls across the hall to raid her closet, knowing she has a few dresses that would be good for me to wear. She keeps asking me who I have a hot date with, and if it’s ‘that cute guy with the glasses’ again. I have to chuckle, and it makes me a little sad because I wish it was Cooper. Knowing that Trace sort of accepts me seeing him, has given me more confidence to hang around with him all the time. “No, I have to go to a work meeting.” I sigh, finally pulling out a slinky black number and tossing it on the bed.
“It’s kind of late for a work meeting.” She laughs, lighting up a cigarette, even though smoking is banned inside the house. “Or are you turning tricks?”
I groan. “Thanks for the loan, Leslie. I’ll give it back to you tomorrow.”
“Make sure you get the cum stains out first,” she cackles.
I don’t give myself time to snap at her again, because I know it’s not worth it. I rush back into my room, closing the door and locking it behind me before I strip down and change. Once I’m in the dress I stand in front of the mirror and give myself the once over before pulling my hair out of the pony tail and letting it fall around my shoulders. I remember moments like this. Being nervous...getting ready to go out some place with Justin. I wanted him to notice me so badly, and I wore the clothes to prove it. Britney used to hate that, and it used to make me smile, especially when I’d catch Justin staring at me from time to time.
But I never completely won him over until it was convenient.
When nobody else cared.
I apply my makeup expertly, like I used to when I felt completely comfortable with myself. It’s crazy what a really good conversation with Trace will do to me. It’s given me this crazy burst of confidence that I haven’t had in months. I apply the finishing touches of my lip gloss and stand up straight, smiling at myself in the mirror. I do look kind of hot. Almost irresistible in a way, and I blush, embarrassed because I’m being entirely too vain right now. I don’t care though. I think I deserve to feel good. At least for a small amount of time.
I start to walk toward the door, and my limp sort of knocks me back into reality. I’m not so perfect and I wonder if David has noticed my little handicap before. I glance down at my bare leg, and scrunch up my nose in disgust at the long scar stemming from my kneecap down to my ankle. It’s so ugly, and reminds me of all the stupid decisions I’ve made. But I can’t let it get me down right now. I’m about to make an impression on somebody that can really help me get a jump start in the radio industry. I can’t blow it by being insecure and needy.
I refuse to.
I sit on the porch swing for awhile, and then he pulls up. He drives a flashy black Mercedes convertible, and I can’t say that I’m surprised. I know he makes a lot of money, and with an ego like his he wouldn’t think of driving something more low key. I get up and walk down the porch steps, being able to hear soft snickers coming from the doorway. I know there are girls watching me, as always, but I try my best to ignore them.
“Hey gorgeous.” David smiles as he expertly slides out of the car and opens my door for me.
“Hi.” I say sheepishly, not looking him directly in the eye.
He gives me the once over with his deep brown eyes, and smiles at me. “You look fabulous.” He lets me into the car and races around to the drivers side, automatically speeding away once he gets behind the wheel. “Hope I didn’t catch you off guard when I sent you that text.”
“Oh...no...” I force a polite smile, but keep my gaze focused straight ahead. I’m getting a little uncomfortable. I didn’t expect him to call me gorgeous or tell me that I look fabulous. I mean, it’s not a date. It’s just a business meeting. Fuck maybe I shouldn’t have dressed up. Maybe I’m sending him the wrong idea, and that’s very bad. I have Cooper and...I like Cooper. I don’t like David in that way.
Actually, I know deep down that I don’t like David at all. That he’s more than likely scum, that’s only out for himself. But I can’t admit that to him, and cut him off. I need this job and this opportunity. I guess I’m just hoping that David’s intentions are valid, and I don’t have to worry about all the things that Trace told me, and the things I know are true.
We pull up to some swank looking place called “Crown Bar”. The valet rushes over and immediately takes the keys from David, and he tips the guy. There’s an enormous line outside the place, which of course, we completely bypass. David shakes hands with the guy at the door, who rambles on with him for a few minutes about some kind of business venture, and I’m completely left in the dark.
Then he asks “Where’s the infamous, Tarin?”
I freeze, and I can feel David go rigid at my side. I look up at him, but he doesn’t look at me. He just laughs and says “Old news.”
The man high fives David and they both laugh together. Then he escorts us up a flight of stairs and into a part of the club that I’m assuming is reserved for vip’s. I should know. I’ve been in plenty of places like this before with Justin and Trace. I wonder if he feels like he’s impressing me? He’s clearly not.
I’m cringing.
“What do you drink?,” he asks me with a flashy smile, as a waitress dressed in nothing more than boots a thong and a bra fills our glasses with ice, and hands David a menu with a small smile.
I know one thing for sure. I can’t drink tonight. I’m entirely too stressed out, and knowing how easily alcohol seems to take the edge off for me, I’d probably be on the floor in less than an hour. And I don’t trust David enough to be drunk and alone with him. “Oh, I um... I don’t really...”
“Sure you do.” He closes the menu, and waves me off with his hand. “We’ll have the Grey Goose,” he tells the waitress. “Just bring us all the mixers you have.” He skillfully passes her a folded hundred dollar bill and gives her a wink, before she disappears into the dark club. “You like Grey Goose, right Kerri?”
I nod but I don’t say anything. I feel like if I told him he could shove his liquor in his ass he’d just laugh and tell me I was a riot. He doesn’t care. I have to realize this now. It’s all about his entertainment and his fun, not about anything else.
I should have listened to Trace.
The vodka and mixers are brought in a flash by the waitress and couple of other staff members. David has them pour us both vodka and cranberry juice to start us off, and shoots our waitress another hundred dollar bill, telling her he doesn’t want us to pour our own drinks tonight at all. I know this guy is made of money, but I hate that he talks to people this way. He’s not so special.
I know Justin wouldn’t ever do that.
“So Ker. You have a good week?” He hands me my drink and drapes a free arm around my shoulders.
Finally, it’s business talk. And even though I hate the fact that he’s touching me right now, I don’t let onto it. I take a sip of my drink, against my better judgement, and it immediately makes me feel a little bit better. “It was a week.” I shrug. “I don’t think Tarin is happy but I think I’m getting the hang of her work. I help JoJo out a lot. I guess that was a big part of what Tarin did and he seems to be pretty happy with me so far.”
“Jo’s a good guy. I like him. He’s got personality.” David rambles, taking a big sip of his cocktail. “He...,” he pauses and laughs a little. “He ripped me a new one for replacing his assistant without telling him, but I guess he got over it pretty fast.”
I take another sip and sit up a little so my back and shoulders aren’t touching his arm anymore. “Can I ask you something?”
He smirks and his eyes light up playfully. “Anything.”
“Why did you decide to demote Tarin?” Yeah it’s bold, I know that. But I’m just really confused as to what’s going on right now. At first I really thought that this was all about better job performance, and I thought David saw something in me that other people had overlooked. But after seeing what he did to Tarin at the event, and hearing him tell that guy that she was old news has me really wondering. Am I just a pawn to make Tarin jealous? Am I really cut out for such an important job or will I just turn out to be a laughing stock?
He strokes his chin, deep in thought. He almost looks angry too and I know my question was the last thing he expected me to blurt out. “She wasn’t cutting it, I told you that. Look, don’t worry about her. It’s done. It’s over, and now you have a chance Kerri.” He sits up and puts his arm around me again. “I think you and I can work things out, you know? Tarin’s just a lost cause, too focused on her new boyfriend to give a fuck about anything else.”
He’s close enough now where I can smell the alcohol on his breath. It’s strong too, and I have a feeling he’d done a little partying of his own before he came to pick me up. I don’t know what to think except this situation isn’t getting any better, and I could kick myself for coming here tonight. I’m so fucking stupid. I should get out while I still can but...I just don’t see how I can do that. “This is about, Trace.” I tell him, looking him coldly in the eyes. “It’s not his fault, David. He cares about her.”
I cant believe I just admitted that.
“Kerri, Kerri.” He laughs again, and puts his drink down so he can place a hand on my upper thigh and another one on my cheek. “I’m not concerned with them. Trace is my boy, I don’t have anything against him. If he wants to fuck her, he can fuck her. The only thing I’m concerned with right now, is getting to know you a little bit more.”
The look in his eyes is full of lust, and I can feel his hand inching its way up my dress. I’m disgusted. “David....” I plant my hand firmly on the one that’s halfway up my dress and push it away. “I’m not comfortable.”
A serious look enters his eyes, and he keeps his hands to himself for the moment. “How badly do you want this job, Kerri?”
How could I not see this coming? The warning signs have been there from the beginning. After the interview I had with him, when he talked more to my chest than to my face. When I’d pass him in the hallways and he’d smirk at me. When I knew he’d been staring at my ass as I walked away from him. I just played it all off like it was nothing. Like it didnt matter. And when he told me he wanted to promote me, I was stupid enough to think it was because he had faith in my talents. Fuck. All he wants to do is sleep with me.
I feel like a whore.
“I don’t know what you mean, David,” I say it quietly, and take another drink hoping it will take the edge off again. It doesn’t help this time though. I’d need to drink the whole damn bottle, and then some, to take this kind of edge off.
“I mean...” he smiles and laughs again. “Look, I’m sorry. Just drink your drink, and I’ll let you in on some radio shit. We can go out another night.”
I put down my drink and cross my arms. “I- I don’t know....”
“Hey, I said I was sorry,” he says, sorrowfully. “I’ve been drinking, and you weren’t prepared for this.”
Maybe I’m wrong. I mean, he did stop. Maybe he just got a little overly excited because of the way I’m dressed and stuff. It happens. He’s a guy. I should be giving him the benefit of the doubt right now, instead of the third degree. “It’s fine.” I finally say. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Next week we’ll go out though.” He looks me dead in the eye. “And you can make your decisions then.”
I look at him strangely. “Decisions?”
“I just want to see where your loyalties lie. You know, how dedicated you are. You have to show me how much you want this job, Kerri. It’s a big opportunity for you. So don’t blow it for yourself.”
“Oh.”
His horny personality goes back into hiding after that, and we really get down to business. He tells me a lot about his career, and his expectations for my job position. He lets me in on little things I should know about certain people that work at the station, and certain execs that check in from time to time. If I’d been asleep for the first half of our little outing tonight, I wouldn’t even know there was a different side to him. He’s so professional and put together now. So businesslike. I’d never know that he wanted to take advantage of me.
But apparently, it’s up to me decide if I’m going to let him.
I have no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to do. I’m terrified to tell Trace. He’ll just tell me that he told me so. I can’t tell Tarin, because she’d probably laugh and tell me I was getting exactly what I deserved. I can’t tell Cooper obviously because he just wouldn’t get it, and it would confuse him. I just don’t know what to do though. It’s obvious that he wants me to do some ‘extra work’ if I want this job.
And I do want this job.
Badly.
We leave after awhile, and I’m proud to say I managed not to finish my first drink. David had two or three but he’s not stumbling around and I can tell that he’s the type that only gets winded after about twelve or more cocktails. Even so, I probably shouldn’t get in the car with him but I don’t feel like I have a choice. I shiver a little as we wait for his car to pull up, and I guess he notices, because a moment later he’s taken off his coat and draped it over my bare shoulders.
“Better?,” he smiles.
I look up at him. For the first time tonight there’s compassion in his eyes, and I’m just so confused. I don’t understand him. He went from horny asshole, to professional businessman, to perfect gentleman in the matter of a few hours. I’m not certain, but I’m sure I’m not the first girl he’s treated this way. Still though, I smile at him and give him my thanks for the loan of his jacket. The car pulls up and he makes sure to open my door for me again. Then we’re roaring away down the road and onto the highway just as before.
“Think about what I said,” he tells me softly, as he pulls up to the house a half hour later. “Next week okay? Take this and buy something nice to wear.” He presses a few hundred dollar bills into my hand. “My buddy is throwing his birthday party at one of the clubs downtown. It’ll be fun.”
I look down at the money, not really being able to believe what’s happening. It’s like he wants me to be his personal little mistress, and fuck...that’s not what I want at all. “David, this is really nice but...”
“Just think it over first.” He winks and smiles. “Sometimes things make more sense if you have a few days to come to your senses. I can take good care of you Kerri. You can have a real career. You just have to want it bad enough.” He waves goodbye to me as I get out of the car, and peels off down the road again.
I’m left standing in the dust, crumpled money in my hand, staring open mouthed at the dark open road before me. I have choices, I know that. But what the hell is the right one? I wish I had somebody to tell me.
But for the first time, I know the only person that can make the right decision is myself.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
