I open the door and come out of the dressing room to find her standing there. I don’t say much, just smile and turn around to look at myself in the three way mirror that they have set up in the corner. After a few minutes, I see her come up from behind me. She hugs me from behind and rests her chin on my shoulder, gazing at me through the mirror. “You look....so, so handsome,” she chokes out, her bottom lip quivering slightly.
“Ma,” I chuckle. “Are you gonna cry?”
She nudges me a little bit. “Are you gonna laugh at me if I do?”
I smile. “Absolutely.”
She releases me from her embrace and has me turn towards her, reaching up to smooth her hands across my shoulders and down my arms. “You just look so good, and so happy.” She smiles warmly and straightens out my tie for me. “I like to see my baby like that.”
I know I’m blushing, and normally I’d be embarrassed but I find that I can’t be. I feel like this is the past. Like, I wasn’t kidnapped. I didn’t put her through hell and things are just like they’ve always been. I love her and she loves me. I can tell her anything. She’s like a best friend. “Momma...,” I smile, trying to maintain my composure for both of our sakes.
“Hey,” She narrows her eyes at me playfully. “You got a girlfriend I don’t know about? Is that why you look like my handsome boy again? Or is Melanie just taking good care of you.”
I clear my throat nervously. “She um...takes care of me.”
“Hiring her was the simplest thing in the world, Justin.” She tells me, taking my hand in hers and stroking it softly. “But it turned out to be the best thing I ever did to help you get through this.”
It’s not too often that I start to have feelings for a girl that my mother is already in love with. Britney and Kerri were two exceptions in my life, everybody else I’ve ever brought around has been shown off to her like a new sports car. I can’t blame her really. She knows that there are alot of women in this world that only see me for the money I have and the career I’ve made for myself, so she tends to be cautious. Knowing that Melanie isn’t an issue, really makes me wish I had the option to bring her back home with me. I’d like for her to meet my dad, and the rest of my family. I think her perkiness and sweetness would win them all over. The only problem is...she’s not exactly jumping through hoops to take me up on my offer. “She’s gonna come home with me,” I say out loud, not having the time to stop myself. Really, that was a thought I should have kept in my own head and I know I’ve dug myself a nice deep hole now. I can’t just tell my mother otherwise. The excitement in her eyes is telling me that she’d been hoping to hear that very phrase pour off my tongue.
Shit.
“Really?,” she smiles. “So she changed her mind then? I knew she would. She seemed to be unsure when I asked her about it, but I figured you’d manage to talk her into it.”
Shit.
“We sort of came to an understanding.” I say, quickly turning back around to look at myself in the mirror again. I feel horrible lying to her, and I’m going to feel even worse when I have to tell Melanie she’s been turned into a confirmed wedding guest. She’ll freak out, I know she will. But hey, I’ve been getting pretty good at the whole convincing game. I’ll just have to work a little bit harder from this point on, that’s all.
“Well, great!” My mom chimes in, delighted at the news. “Tell her not to worry about a dress. I can pay for it...or I’ll just go with her to get it! Oh, this is just so fantastic Justin! I can’t wait to tell Dad and Belinda. They’ve been dying to meet her!”
“Damn mom,” I chuckle, a little nervously. “Don’t smother the girl.”
“Well the family wants to meet her!”
“Momma....”
“Hey.” Trace comes out of his dressing room suddenly, dressed in a tux that’s way too long in the arms for him, and smiles a little bit. “What are y’all talking about?”
My mom flashes him an excited smile. “Did you know Melanie was coming back to Tennessee with us for the wedding, Trace?”
“Really....” He eyes me suspiciously, and I quickly revert my gaze away from him.
“Yeah, we um...came to an agreement,” I say quietly. Really, I know he can see right through me, and he knows Melanie better than my mom does. In a way, Mel can be more real around us than in front of my mom because she doesn’t want her to get suspicious about things. That means Trace knows damn well that Melanie wouldn’t just agree to go back home with me without some serious thought, and all I can do is pray that he won’t give me up to my mom right now. I hold my breath, and stare hard into the mirror...waiting for the inevitable to happen.
“Cool.” He say it quickly, clearing his throat a little bit. “That’ll be a good time.”
I don’t look at him, but I know he’s trying to be a good friend right now. Even though, I know I’m gonna hear all about this once my mom steps out of our range again. I guess it’s better that he rips me a new one though. I don’t know how my mom would react if she found out I just lied to her about something so stupid.
“Trace, are you bringing your new girlfriend?” My mom asks him, with an inquisitive smirk.
He groans, but I can’t help but smile because I know I’m off the hook for now.
“Mom wants to meet her,” he says, without much enthusiasm. “And I love how my personal news has gotten back to you already, Lynn. I don’t know why they say LA is so much different from back home, because gossip sure as hell spreads at the same pace.”
“Oh hush.” She swats at his arm playfully. “You know you can’t keep your love life a secret from anybody in this family. I just hope she’s not one of those hollywood tramps. She’s not is she?”
I snort out a laugh and Trace glares at me darkly as if to say that I better watch it, and it causes me to clam up for the moment.
“I’m sure mom will think so,” he sighs.
“Your mom thinks anybody you bring home is a tramp, Trace.” I say, spreading a smug smile across my face and chuckling to myself. My mom swats my arm though, and I quickly snap to attention, because I know she thinks I’m being insensitive right now.
“I could go into some choices you’ve made about who you’ve shared your bed with, Justin.” My mom smiles over at Trace lovingly. “Now have you made your suit decisions yet? Or at least narrowed it down? Because I think this one here you have on is perfect Justin.”
Trace starts to laugh hard at my mothers remark. “This is why I love you Lynn.”
“I don’t know why you’re so smug. You’re a slut too Trace, so shut it!.” My mother shoots at him, playfully. “And what are you doing! That suit is way too long. Do you want to look even shorter?"
He blushes. “I guess I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“Come on.” She sighs as she takes him by the arm and drags him back into the suit room. Trace of course, doesn’t hesitate to flip me off as he passes by me.
Naturally, I take the opportunity to update Melanie on what has just taken place, thinking she’ll get a kick out of the fact that my mom used Trace and slut in the same sentence.
My mom just called Trace a slut.
Again, her response is almost automatic.
Well he is a slut. You can tell him I said that too.
Hey! How would you know?
I’ve seen him grope his girlfriend in unnatural places on a golf course. Need I say more?
I laugh out loud, having to cover my mouth so people won’t start thinking that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Yeah they were pretty nasty yesterday. You wanna see me in the tux that I picked out? It’s grey.
As long as you’re not tricking me into viewing you naked.
Nah, you’re not that lucky.
Send fool.
I flash the cheesiest smile in the world, then take the picture of myself with the phone and send it to her. Really, I’m sort of nervous of what she’ll think. She’s never seen me in anything more formal than a tee shirt and jeans, and I wonder if she’ll see me in a different, more professional light now. Hell, I know I’m over thinking, as I always tend to do. But I guess...I guess her opinion just really matters to me. That’s a good thing though.
At least I hope it is.
She text me back several minutes later, and I find myself holding my breath as I look at her response. But then I smile, because her response isn’t any different than it usually is.
Well look at that. You really do clean up nice. Excuse me...table for two waiter!
Hush up, girl. You’re gonna be looking like a southern belle by the time my mom is done with you.
Okay, I know. I’m sort of forcing this whole going home with me thing on her now that I’ve fucked things up. But I guess I’m hoping that she’ll go with it. That she’ll tell me ‘fine fine stop bugging me I’ll go with you.’ But I should know better, because Melanie isn’t stupid.
What are you talking about?
I really should know better.
She’s all excited that you’re coming to the wedding.
What wedding? Who got married? Don’t tell me that Trace and Tarin are engaged. Though, I wouldn’t put it past them after the golf groping.
No dork. The wedding in Tennessee. We discussed this.
I already told her I didn’t think I’d be going, but to ask me in a couple of weeks. She hasn’t asked me about it since then.
I suck in a breath. I know she’s not going to let me weasel my way out of this. In fact, I can picture her in my mind right now, sitting somewhere with an angry confused expression on her face. Yeah, after this one she probably won’t come home, and the only one to blame will be me.
But I have to at least try.
I asked you.
Yeah, and I said no. Who has the short term memory here? It isn’t me.
You’ll say yes though. I know you will. It’s important and you know that.
You didn’t tell her that I was going did you?
I don’t text her back for several minutes, because I don’t really know what to say. It doesn’t really matter though, because I’ll be in trouble no matter what I tell her.
I might have.
I’m so mad at you right now, Justin.
Damn, can’t you just think about it some more? If you really don’t want to go I can just tell her that your cat has hairballs or somethin.
I would think that you’d be through lying to her at this point.
I roll my eyes, and check the doorway to make sure my mom and Trace are still looking through the suits before continuing on. I feel myself starting to get heated and I don’t want them to know what’s going on.
I didn’t really lie. I just told her the truth a little early thats all.
G2G
“Damn it.” I sigh harshly and pull up her number, ready to call her and tell her exactly why it is that she needs to come home with me. I’m cut short though, when my mom leads Trace through the doorway yet again.
“And this time, you wont be swimming it in.” My mother laughs and shakes her head as she points him in the direction of the dressing room door.
“I hate suits.” He scowls as he drags himself inside, closing the door behind him.
“I uh...need to go to the bathroom, momma.” I say quickly, before she can notice my worried expression.
“I think I saw it just through there.” She points to another doorway. “You okay?”
“Oh yeah. I’m okay. I’ll be back in a minute.” I turn and walk away from her quickly before she has the chance to ask me any more questions, and lock myself in a bathroom stall as quickly as I can. I dial Melanie’s number frantically, praying that she’ll pick up...that I haven’t fucked up all that badly. Honestly, I haven’t been worried like this since....
“What.”
I breathe out a relieved sigh. “Come on Mel. All I’m trying to say is, the family wants to meet you, and my mom got real excited when I mentioned that you were gonna come.”
“Exactly. You got her hopes up over a damn lie, Justin. Did you ever think I might have made plans that week? Because I did. That’s the thing with you Justin. You’re so self absorbed sometimes that you tend to forget that other people have things going on outside of you.”
“What the hell could you have planned so far in advance?” I know I sound like an asshole right now too, but honestly...I know she’s just giving me a lame excuse. I really have no idea why she doesn’t want to come home with me. The most I can figure, is that she really doesn’t want to be as close to me as I think she does. But if that’s the case, then what the hell happened in the basement between us? Why are we practically moments away from kissing half the time?r32;
I just don’t get it.
“Well you know, it’s really none of your business, but since you probably think I’m lying I’ll just tell you,” she snaps. “I planned a trip with my friend Susan. It’s a retreat and she’s asked me to co lead it. But now your poor mother has it in her mind that I’m coming to this family event of yours that week. How can I just turn her down? You’ve put me in a really shitty position, Justin. But you know, I think you planned it all out this way just because you couldn’t take no for an answer. You couldn’t just accept the fact that even I need to do things for myself once in awhile.”
“So I’ll make something up,” I sigh and roll my eyes impatiently. “I’ll say you have plans with your family that week.”
“No, you’re going to tell her the truth,” she states, bluntly. “Tell her that I already made plans with my friends, and you spoke up too soon. I mean, why are you lying so much all of a sudden? You don’t have a reason to.”
“I just want you there,” I say, miserably.
“How about we look at it from another perspective. What if I told Susan I was bringing you on the retreat? Would you drop the wedding for me?”
“Come on,” I scoff. “That’s not the same thing.”
“But it is!,” she yells. “Stop being so god damn selfish Justin! Wake up!”
Okay, I’m a fucking idiot. That’s obvious. It’s the second time I’ve fucked up with her this weekend too, and she’s not even in my presence this time. Not that I’m surprised that I’m fucking everything up again. I mean, I always do...with every girl I have feelings for. I know Melanie is different. She’s a special person, like Trace keeps telling me. But I want what I want, and I lose sight of a lot of things on my quest to get it.
“Okay.... I’m sorry. I’ll tell her that you made plans with your friends, and I misunderstood you. She knows I tend to do stupid shit anyway, so she’ll have to understand. If not, I’ll take the heat.” Frustrated, I unlock the stall door and step out into the bathroom again. But I feel the color draining from my face now, because Trace is standing there, arms crossed, with that damn smug smile on his face. I know that he’s probably heard my entire conversation, and that really pisses me off because I know he’s gonna throw it all back in my face the minute I get off the phone with her. I glare at him a little to let him know that I’m annoyed, but he just laughs and shakes his head, a sign that he doesn’t care how I feel right now....that I’m wrong.
“Look,” she continues. “I’m just trying to get across that you have to stop thinking I can just be at your beck and call every moment of my life. I mean yeah, when I’m at your house, it’s different. But this is like any other job, Justin. I have vacation days and other things that are a part of my life. And I plan on enjoying myself.”
“All right Mel,” I huff. “I get it.”
“I gotta go,” she says, gently. “But I’ll talk to you on Monday, okay?”
I shouldn’t ask her anymore questions. I need to just hang up, and put Trace in his place since he’s still smiling at me like he is. But I find that I cant. Even after all this, I still miss her. I still have that longing for her in the pit of my stomach that I can’t make go away. “Can I at least call you tomorrow?”
“Jesus.” But she’s actually snickering this time. “Fine, but just text me first because I might be busy. I gotta go though, okay?”
“Mel.”
“God, what!”
“You’re not really mad at me, are you?” I say, using that sweet innocent tone I usually pull out for my mom or Nana when I’ve gotten on their bad sides.
I can see Trace roll his eyes.
“Yes, extremely,” she tells me quickly. “Bye.”
“Oh all right,” I say, sort of let down even though she has every right not to forgive me. “Bye.”
“And you really do look nice in your suit.”
Click.
I smile. I think...maybe...I might have won back part of that little argument.
“I knew you were full of shit,” Trace speaks up, almost automatically. “Way to go, getting your mom to believe you. It’s really gonna suck telling her you were wrong though.”
Figuring I can knock him down a few notches, I walk over to the mirror and start to straighten my tie out again. “Yee of little faith. I still have time, you’re forgetting that.”
“I just dont’ fuckin understand why you need her there so bad,” he grunts. “Why can’t you just let her do whatever she’s doing? Remember that whole obsessive concept that you brushed off? Yeah...it’s a reality dude.”
One thing I miss, is Trace’s spontaneous attitude towards life. I think he’s getting a little bit better, but ever since the kidnapping happened I get the feeling that he feels he’s gotta be organized twenty four hours a day. That life is supposed to be set up with guidelines to follow. Actually, I think Tarin is probably the first spontaneous thing that’s come into his life in a long time. Of course I know what I put him through, and he wants to make sure I don’t slip down a dark path again or whatever he thinks is going to happen, but damn...it’s like he doesn’t think I can be trusted to form a strong bond with a girl. While that hurts, and I want to kick him in the nuts, he probably does have a point in his own fucked up way. I wasn’t there for Kerri like I should have been, and I know it’s the main reason he’s holding all this shit against me right now. “You heard my mom. The family wants to meet her,” I explain, opening the bathroom door and holding it open so he can walk out ahead of me. He does, and once we’re back out in the store, I take a moment to make sure my mom isn’t within earshot before continuing. “I think it would be a good thing for both of us.”
“Yeah,” he whispers, leaning in closer to me. “But now you’re going to manipulate Melanie into feeling guilty enough to cancel her shit, and cater to your needs. You might have gotten more confident and a lot healthier since shit went down, Justin. But your ethics and priorities haven’t changed at all.”
I cross my arms, and narrow my eyes at him. “Trace, what the fuck do you know anyway? You don’t spend every day with Mel. You don’t know her like I know her. She wants to come home with us. She just doesn’t realize it yet.”
“Right,” he says bitterly. “Just like Kerri didn’t know it, but she wasn’t really all that in love with you. So it didn’t matter if you fucked her and dumped her.” He pokes me in the chest with his finger as he says it to me. “Do you want what happened between you and Kerri to happen with Melanie?”
I stare at him, slightly dumbfounded. I mean, I know Trace has been a lot harsher with me this year more than any other, but fuck...Kerri? He’s going to just throw the shit in my face like that? I mean, I don’t know what the hell he knows or what Kerri told him. I don’t even know if Kerri still has a fully functioning brain at this moment. He sent her off to some nut house. And besides, Kerri and Melanie are nothing alike. Melanie isn’t dead set on keeping herself attached to my side for the rest of her life.
But fuck, maybe that’s why I’m trying so hard to make her come home with me. Maybe its why I fantasize about her as often as I do. She’s hard to understand. She has secrets, and she’s probably the only person that doesn’t allow me to push her around.
I hate when Trace has a point.
“Well?” he asks, impatiently.
“No,” I mutter.
“Then stop all this bullshit, right now.”
I watch him walk away from me after that, probably back to my mother so he can talk to her about his fuckin issues with his own family. But that’s fine, because I don’t feel like talking to her right now anyway. God, maybe I’m letting my feelings for Melanie get to me entirely too much. Maybe they’re not as strong as I think they are, and I should probably rethink this whole thing. When she comes home, maybe I can just try out the ‘just friends’ thing for awhile so I can figure out if I’m really ready to be normal again. I mean, even if we did start something, I know that Shane could come back into my mind and fuck things up again. I could freak out....hit her...
I shake it off. No, I can’t think about that right now. It’s a good day. My mom is here, and Trace is trying his best not to be bitter even though I’ve more than proven today how much of an asshole I really am. I gotta just make the best of today...of this weekend, and hope that Melanie has a really good time too, even if she’s not here with me.
Hopefully I can find some other pieces of myself again, that still have yet to be exhumed from my tortured soul. Only then, will I know who I really am, and if I’m capable of loving somebody again, with my whole heart this time.
