He’s a complete asshole, and I should quit.  Granted, he’d freak out and I’d feel somewhat guilty when he jumped off his roof, but it still wouldn’t change my mind about him.  Honestly, I don’t know what goes through his head sometimes, or causes him to think he can just do whatever the hell he pleases when it comes to other peoples lives.

But maybe it’s that other side to him that I’ve never seen.  He’s a hell of a lot more confident now.  That star persona may just be coming out of hiding, even though I cringe when I think about his celebrity status.  I hate superficiality, and deep down I know Justin has a good heart.  He’s definitely not fake, but sadly I’m really starting to believe that he’s as manipulative as Tarin told me he is.  But should I consider it a bad thing that I’ve started to see this other not so good side of him now?  Isn’t it better that he’s starting to come out of his shell and take risks in his life?  I mean hell, it’s my fault that he’s started to do it all anyway.  Maybe I should be blaming myself.

Maybe I’m just an idiot for trying to make him so damn independent.
 
For the first time today I’m actually very thankful that I’m here.  If Justin had pulled what he did while I was in an arms length of him, I think I might have clocked him in the face.  I don’t know what persuaded him to think that he could simply take an idea that I hadn’t made my mind up about yet, and twist it around to make his mother think otherwise.  It was like he didn’t care.  That I was going to come around eventually anyway, according to him, so what did it matter if he helped moved things along?  It was the most selfish thing that he’s ever done to me, and it really made me question how well I know him.  

And what the hell I was thinking, wanting to fall madly in love with him.

I’ve been toying with the idea that my feelings for him are simply stupid pipe dreams.  I’m longing to be normal, to fall in love as if I was never damaged or lost.  I’m trying to forget that I spent a good chunk of my life holed up here at Susan’s with more problems than I could handle at one time.  My feelings for Justin aren’t anything but a way to drown out the past, and that’s not healthy for either of us.  I know that it’s somewhat the same for him too.  He doesn’t really care about me like he thinks he does.  He just needs somebody to be there, so he feels better.  I can be there too.  It’s my job to be there.  But I’m certainly not going to give in to him, and lose myself...get hurt.

It’s just not worth the heartache right now.

Despite the fact that I’m so annoyed I could scream, it hasn’t really effected the time I’ve spent here so far.  Coming back felt like a breath of fresh air.  I forgot how serene it is up here, how quiet and safe it always made me feel in the past.  Susan had been waiting on the porch for me when I had pulled into the driveway, and immediately ran over to where I was, wrapping me up in a long awaited hug once I got out of the car.  I was pleased to see that she still looked the same and acted the same, but I was probably stupid to believe the woman would ever change.  Susan is simple and set in her ways.  Actually, she has so much going on in her life I doubt she ever has the time to make a change or spend a day making herself over.

The only downside to Susan being the same, is that I still can’t hide my emotions from her.  After I’d gotten settled, we’d sat down in her office for coffee.  I was praying she’d start the conversation off lightly, talking about what was going on with the home and the new girls who had come to live there since the last time I’d visited her.  But that scenario just wasn’t in the cards I guess.  She could sense I was tense, and I guess I wasn’t really doing the best job of keeping my tension to myself.  I was doing that weird leg bobbing thing I can’t control when I’m confused beyond belief.  And I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad if Susan had simply asked me if I was doing okay, or if I’d been having bad flashbacks...anything....

But why the hell did she have to ask me...

“So, who is he Melanie?”

My jaw would have hit the floor if I hadn’t been in mid sip.  Instead, I ended up swallowing my coffee the wrong way and spent the next five minutes hacking in utter agony.  To make matters worse, Susan, instead of being overly concerned for my health, decided to burst out laughing instead.  I mean, maybe I should be able to understand.  After all, I went from being a scared little girl huddled in the corner of her living room to a strong independent woman.  I guess I should have figured she’d be able to read my emotions like a book, but it really aggravated me.  There I was, pissed off at Justin, trying to rid myself of the feelings about him that had been forming inside of me over the past couple of months, and all Susan could seem to do was rub it in.  It was almost like God was playing a cruel, cruel joke on me.

Or maybe, He was just trying to point out something I was desperately trying to deny.

“Are you that surprised?,” Susan laughed at me, handing me a tissue to wipe at the spit that had formed at the corners of my mouth due to my chocking episode.  “Honestly, Melanie, I’d think you would be able to know right off the bat that you can’t hide something from me.”

I’d nodded a little bit, trying my best to avoid making direct eye contact with her.  There was no going back now, but at the same time I didn’t want to talk about it.  If I did, wouldn’t that mean that I was accepting it? That I fell for Justin?  I couldn’t though.  He was an asshole.  I had determined that.

But as I sat there and thought about him in that suit, with that playful little smirk, I slowly started to forget how angry I was.  I started to think about warm weather, the sweet smell of the southern air, and his strong arms wrapped around me as we sat together someplace outdoors, watching the sun set.  It didn’t matter if he lied.  I knew that going to Tennessee to meet Justin’s family was a scary thought and yeah of course I still wanted to wait it out, think about it, and most importantly see how things with Justin and I were going when the time came.  But deep down I knew we’d be there together.

Deep down I knew I was going to end up with his lips pressed against mine.

God, had I lost my fucking mind? Or had I just let Justin manipulate me to the point where I was lost and couldn’t find my way back?  It didn’t really matter though.  Either way I couldn’t deny the fact that it was indeed...some form of love.  A fucked up form? Maybe.  But it was still there.  And I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I’d felt that way about somebody.  I’d been too independent and busy up until college, then...just when I was starting to get into the whole dating scene, the rape happened.  I had never known how to love, how to let somebody love me.  And I still wasn’t sure I was ready to.

“Well, come on!”  Susan nudged me playfully.  “I want details.  Who is he? Where did you meet him?”

Her eyes were wide, filled with curiosity, happiness, and excitement.  It was why I loved her, the reason why I favored her opinion over my own mothers at times.  I knew I could tell her about Justin, let her in on how much he pissed me off, and how that made me even crazier about him.  I wanted to tell her how kind he could be when nobody else was around to notice, how nobody really understood him...not even his best friend...not even his own mother at times.  I wanted to tell her how he understood me too.  That he didn’t even know the gory details.  How he could just tell me he understood all of my pain and sadness in the brief span of a hug.   

“He’s an asshole,” I’d half whispered, not being able to hold back a slight chuckle.  “A completely adorable, manipulative asshole, Susan.  It’s absurd that I even...that I can even consider him likable, you know?”

“You’re blushing,” she’d said, shooting me another small smile, before taking another sip of her coffee.  “So I’m finding it hard to believe that you dislike this fellow as much as you say you do.”

“But you don’t even know the half of it!” I’d exclaimed, making sure to throw a hand into the air for good measure.  “You know how I was supposed to go on that retreat with you? Well now he’s basically promised his mother that I would come back home to Tennessee with him for a wedding and family get together instead, after I had already told him I was going to have to think about my decision first.  He has a hell of a nerve.” I’d frowned and crossed my arms stubbornly, suddenly remembering just why it was that I’d been so frustrated.

“You know, some people just like to see how far they can go before they break the other person,” Susan informed me.  “It’s not the healthiest thing in the world, Melanie.”

She frowned a little and I could tell she was concerned then.  I had to consider the fact that Susan had never met Justin, let alone know that he was the one I’d been referring to as an asshole.  I was making him out to be a lot worse than he was, and that wasn’t really my intention.  I was just frustrated, but that was no reason to make a stranger resent Justin.  “The sad thing is, I don’t think that’s it,” I defended, softly.  “I just think that he really wants me there, whether its for my company or just because I’m a security blanket.  Deep down I guess I’ve known he’s too chicken to tell his mother all of that too.  He can be really stubborn.”  My smiled returned.  “Really, really stubborn.  He’s been through a lot too...  I paused and looked Susan deep in the eyes.  “You know what I mean.”

“What do you mean by a lot?”  Susan crossed her legs, a look of concern rapidly spreading across her face.

I knew what she was thinking right away, but thankfully I didn’t have to break down and tell her the gory details of Justin’s traumatic experience.  I hadn’t been informed, and at that moment I was never more thankful.  “Something really bad happened to him, that’s all,” I nodded.  “I don’t really ask questions.  I’m just kind of there for him when he needs somebody to lean on.  Sometimes...especially lately, I’ll get these little glimpses of who he used to be too.  I don’t really know whether thats good or bad, Susan.  But... I know who I used to be, and when I get those glimpses of him, I just know...those two people would have liked each other.  Do you get what I’m saying?,” I’d laughed and wiped at my eyes tiredly.  “Or have I just gone off the deep end again?”

“No...” She paused then and pressed a finger to her lips.  “This is....very different for you Melanie.  You’re acting much differently than I’ve ever seen you act before.  I think it’s good though,” she nodded positively.  “I think you’re really making a connection with this guy.   And I think you’re ready to try.  I don’t think you should be afraid, Melanie, and you know I wouldn’t just tell you that.”

I knew she wouldn’t, and my heart literally skipped a beat when I realized she was basically giving me her blessing.  I mean, she didn’t even know the whole situation with Justin and I.  That I was working for his mother, and he was my client.  The client who had been “running me ragged”  “There’s more you know,” I laughed.  “I don’t know if you’ll be so supportive if I tell you.”

She shrugged her shoulders.  “You know you can always try me.”

“Well...he’s sort of my client,” I said, a little bit too quickly.

“The one you complained about?,” she scoffed, her eyes widening a little.  “The one who wouldn’t let you have time off?”

I rolled my eyes.  “He let me have the time off after he calmed down.”

Susan sat back, one eyebrow raised in question.  “I won’t lie.  That’s a tricky situation, and if it were anybody else I’d probably tell them to forget the whole thing.  But Melanie, I don’t know.  You’re different.  You...seem all lit up inside,” she smiled, lovingly.  “And you’ve become so smart, and mature.  You’ve risen so high above what happened to you, that you can finally concentrate on moving forward....being happy.  I can’t sit here and tell you no and why you shouldn’t, because I think you’re ready for this.  I think if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be able to handle it.  That’s all that really matters anyway.  Just promise me you’ll use some caution when it comes to your inner turmoil.  Don’t be taken advantage of.”

She’d gotten out of her chair and kissed me hard on the cheek, and I’d wrapped my arms around her, thanking her for her advice...for everything.  Once the tears were dried up on both sides, Susan told me it was time to wrap up our sap fest for the visit, and have some laid back fun.  We’d played some cards up on the sun porch with a couple of girls that lived at the home.  They were quiet, they didn’t complain or lash out, and I guess that had been the reason why Susan had decided to let them in on our game.  It was a relaxing evening, and much to my surprise Justin didn’t text me at all.  Though, I’m sure Trace must have hidden his cell phone on him so I could have some peace.

I have to remember to thank him, yet again.

The entire ride up here, I’d had a smile on my face, just knowing that I’d be able to get some extra sleep in the mornings.  Sadly though, I found that I couldn’t sleep in more than fifteen minutes past my usual wake up time.  It was like I had this surge inside of me, ripping me out of my sleep and screaming at me to get Justin out of bed...only I didn’t have to get him out of bed this morning.  I’d slapped my hand down on the mattress in frustration. Even on vacation, my brain was still totally focused on the concept of something going wrong with Justin.  It really aggravated me and I wanted to scream, but when my phone chimed a few moments later with a “good morning” and a winking smiley face from Justin, I found I couldn’t be aggravated any longer.  I’m embarrassed to say....that really made my morning a hell of a lot brighter.

And I know I’m a hopeless case.

“You were awfully late last night, Kerrigan.”  Susan speaks up, breaking through the peaceful silence of the groups breakfast, and my naughty visual of Justin’s blue eyes and playful smile.

So far, I’ve only been introduced to two girls here, and I barely got to speak to them at all.  They’d had been very quiet, simply focusing on the game of cards we’d been playing and Susan’s peaceful reminders of what time their group session was the next day.  This morning however, everybody living under this roof has been brought together to share a breakfast at the table.  It’s a Sunday morning tradition that Susan never changed, just like everything else around here.  I remember how awkward I used to feel when I’d first come to the home, eating my breakfast surrounded by ten other girls.  I’d been afraid of the world then, paranoid.  I felt like their eyes were all on me, daring me to make a stupid mistake or chew the wrong way.

The girl seated across the table sort of reminds me of how I was then.  Her stringy blond hair hangs sloppily around her face, and she hasn’t looked up once since breakfast was brought to the table.  She’s been very focused on her oatmeal, eggs, and bacon.  Seeing the look on Susan’s face right now, is telling me that this is one of her more problematic cases.  I start to let my curiosity get the best of me, wondering what her story is, where she’s from, and if she’s being forced to stay here by family or not.

“Work ran late,” she says quietly, her southern drawl not escaping my ears.

“A little consideration would be nice.  You missed group too, and I know you remember our discussion,”  Susan sighs, and takes a sip of her coffee.  

I know that sigh.  

It’s the same sigh I’d heard time and time again when I’d first moved in here.  The sigh that said Susan was disappointed because I hadn’t said a word in group, or the one I’d gotten the morning after I’d hidden away in my bedroom the entire night because I’d been upset and was too miserable to share my feelings with anyone else.  I know Susan cares about her.  She’s a special case, only Kerrigan can’t see how much her well being matters to Susan.  The word  selfish nearly pops into my mind before I remember a very important fact.  

I had been exactly like her not too long ago.

“Can I just go?,” Kerrigan says impatiently, her arms crossed in a stubborn, almost spoiled sort of way.  “I have work I need to do, and I’m supposed to go out later.”

Susan just nods, in that way she always does when she’s frustrated.  “Just be sure you dont make a racket when you come in tonight, Kerri.  You nearly scared Bethany out of her wits last night. You know how she is with loud noises and the dark.”

Kerrigan, or I guess Kerri, rolls her eyes.  “Christ, I know I live with freaks, Susan. You don’t have to rub it in.”

Anybody else would brush the girl off as a bitch and roll their eyes, considering her a good for nothing.  But I can’t look at her that way.  I can see it in her...how tired she is, how the bags under her eyes are concealed with expensive eye make up and a perfected fake smile.  This girl stays up nights, wondering what she’s done so wrong to deserve everything life has handed her.  And I know she doesn’t have a person in the world she can talk to about it that will understand.  Of course Susan is here for her and trying to help but it just isn’t the same thing.  She needs her friends, who have most likely long since given up on her, and the only way she knows how to handle that is to shut out anybody else that’s willing to help.

I realize that I’m practically looking at a past version of myself.  No, I have no idea what she’s been through or what finally pushed her to the brink, forcing her to come to Susan for help.  But I can practically see the pain surging inside of her.  It’s deep, whatever happened to her.  Something that she carries with her every waking moment.  Something that she can’t seem to get over no matter how hard she tries.
                        
“I want you to take a few minutes today and think about what’s going on in your life right now,” Susan says, her tone stern.  “If you’re having another issue, whatever it is, my door is open.”

“Yeah.” She gets up from the table, chuckling to herself a little bit.  “I just need to be alone and figure it out.”

“Well group is starting after breakfast, Kerrigan,” Susan informs her.  “And it’s Sunday, I know you don’t have to be at work today.  You need to attend, especially since we have a guest today.”  

Susan eyes me but I quickly look down at my food, not wanting to get involved in their little quarrel.  I have enough issues, and my nerves are practically shot as it is.

The room falls silent.  Several of the girls stare at her, their eyes wide, waiting for something to happen.  Kerri just stands there, her shoulders sagged in defeat.  I can tell she’s a little embarrassed right now, and I’m sorry to say I know exactly how she feels.  I had been a big group ditcher myself, until Susan had packed my bags one day and left me a choice: Group or get out.  I chose group and it changed my life.  But who’s to say this girl is afraid of being banned from the home?  Maybe she doesn’t want to change.  I’m hoping that I’ll get to hear her story, but I won’t hold my breath.

“Well?” Susan asks, drumming her fingers impatiently on the table top.

Kerri sits back down, not saying a word.  She just stares at her plate of food, letting it get cold while the rest of us clean our plates.  I notice that Susan will glance at her every now and then, but Kerri is unfazed.  I can tell she just wants to get through the morning, so she can go do whatever it is she had been planning.  I’d stick up for Kerri, and tell Susan it’s really not a big deal but I know I’d get the look of death from her, so I’ll just keep my thoughts to myself.

The plates are cleared and Susan has us all come into the living room and sit in a circle on the floor.  I’m seated next to her of course, as I’m supposed to say some stuff today.  I’m nervous.  These people are complete strangers and I’m about to tell them my deepest secrets...my worst nightmares.  I can’t even talk to Justin about them, and that makes me feel horrible right now.  How are these girls any different from Justin? They’ve been through hell and so has he.  I know he hasn’t shared a lot of what happened to him with me, but I don’t think that’s what’s holding me back from telling him about my rape.  I just....don’t know how he’d look at me once he knew.  I’m afraid I guess.  Afraid that he’ll think I’m weird or dirty, that I’m too weak to be a supportive force in his life. I hate that those are the thoughts running through my head about the situation.  I’m supposed to be past that phase...better.  But then again, I feel differently about Justin than I’ve felt about anybody else in a very long time.  Maybe this will give me the strength I need though.  Maybe I can go home to him, sit with him and tell him everything.

And whatever happens, well...happens.

“Before we start, I’d just like to introduce everybody to Melanie,” Susan smiles and drapes an arm over my shoulders.  “She, just like all of you, went through a horrible experience that nobody should have to.  She felt lost, hopeless, and at times...,” she pauses and narrows her eyes at me “Didn’t want to be helped at all.  But she learned, she realized that she needed to get her life back, and now here she is five years later.  She has a career, and a life.  She doesn’t live in fear anymore, ladies.  I wanted to bring her here so you can see that nothing is impossible, and you can all turn out just like her if you focus and put your whole heart into it.”

I feel myself blush and roll my eyes a little.  “I’m not all that great,” I say.  “Susan likes to talk me up, so I’ll keep coming to visit her.”

I receive a playful nudge from Susan, and the girls laugh along with us.  Well...with one exception of course.  Kerri’s chin is propped up on her hands, and she seems to be very interested in the color of the walls.  She’s spacing out, uninterested in all of this, and I just want to grab the girl and shake her...tell her that her life isn’t so horrible.  But I know I can’t.  If living with Justin has taught me anything, it’s that you are the only person that can truly motivate yourself to get better...to care about yourself.  But maybe all Kerri needs is somebody her own age that can show all that to her.  Maybe my little spiel will actually wake her up a little bit.

“I was raped five years ago,” I begin, glancing at Kerri as I say the words.  Her chin is still in her hands of course, but now her attention is focused directly on me.  As soon as I make eye contact though, she looks back to the walls.  It’s a sign.  She was probably raped too, and I’m a little happy that she’s found somebody she can relate to.  “I was at a dorm party with my roommate, and I separated from her to use the bathroom.  It only took about a minute for the bastard to surprise me, and half a second for him to pull out his knife.  I couldn’t have done anything to stop him, without serious consequences.    At the time, all I could think was if I could have just fought a little harder or if I had just been a little bit more aware it wouldn’t have happened.  But the truth is, nothing could have prevented what happened.  It took a long time for me to realize that too, and unfortunately I paid a horrible price.  I flunked out of college after the rape, and I was forced to stay with my mother, who was never around.  I hadn’t told anybody about the rape then so it wasn’t like I could confide in anybody either.”  I pause and take a long breath, as I start to remember that night I had been alone in my mothers apartment...and all those pills I took.

“Are you okay?” Susan whispers, rubbing my back a little bit.

I nod a yes to her and clear my throat before continuing on.  “My friends had deserted me,” I sigh, and steal a glance at Kerri.  Her eyes are wide, and I know I’ve gotten her attention now.  It’s good.  It means I’m making a connection.  “One night, I just threw it all away.  I drank some vodka and found some pills in my mothers medicine cabinet.  I don’t really know what happened after that, but when I woke up I was in the mental ward of the hospital.  It was nightmarish, they kept me tied down and they wouldn’t trust me until I told them why it was that I had decided to take my own life.  I....was forced to talk to a doctor about what happened.  I mean, how horrible is that? I couldn’t even tell my own mother about the rape first...it was some strange doctor.  He sent me here after that, and I spent a couple of years learning how to live again.  Like most of you, I was scared at first but as soon as I learned to let people in, let Susan in, it helped me a lot.  I wouldn’t want to change anything in my life right now.  Of course I still live with the memory of what happened.  That won’t ever go away.  But I can cope with it.  If I have a really bad dream, I call Susan.  I’m learning how to live again.  I’m learning how to love myself.” I smile warmly.  

“This is why I want you guys to talk about your situations, and learn from Melanie,” Susan speaks up after a minute or two, flashing me a proud smile.  “You should know that I can’t cure you completely, but I can help you deal with your circumstance and help you to remember how to live and how to believe in yourself again.”  

The girls clap a little bit, and Susan gives me a quick hug and kiss, whispering how proud she is of me in my ear.  I let a wide grin escape me, but it’s short lived when I hear somebody call out a question to me.  

“How can you possibly believe in yourself when everybody is against you?”

It’s Kerri, and my heart seems to skip a beat.  She’s staring at me, with cold, piercing blue eyes.  She looks angry enough to kill right now, but part of me knows that’s all for show anyway.  She’s so insecure that she could pop, but I can’t just blurt that out.  It’s neither the time or place for insults.  “Well...” I begin, glancing at a frowning Susan.

“I was asking Susan.  You don’t even know me,” she scoffs, rising up from the circle.  “You don’t know what I’ve been through.”

“Why don’t you share your story, Kerri,” Susan suggests.  “I’m sure Melanie would give you the same patience you gave her.”

Once again, silence falls over the room.  I can see some of the girls roll their eyes, and a couple start whispering to each other, but I don’t say a word.  I want to see what Kerri is going to do.  If she’s going to crack and make that connection with me, when it’s obvious the only other person she really talks to here is Susan.

“I’ve shared it,” she grunts.  “Why share it again?”

“Talking about it makes the pain easier to deal with,” I say, softly.  I hope she doesn’t lash out, but at the same time I know that if she does I can just choose to leave the room.  It’s not like years ago, when I was obligated to stay in the group session whether I wanted to or not.  “That’s what I found out anyway.  The more I talked about it, the easier it was to deal with the next time the subject came up.”

“Well I guess you’re just a better person than I am, huh?”  Kerri lets out a sarcastic chuckle before shaking her head and storming out of the room.  A door slam tells me that she’s gone outside, and I sigh and start to go after her, but Susan stops me with a light hand on my shoulder and a gentle warning glance telling me that it’s not my battle...that Kerri needs to deal with her issues on her own just like everybody else here.   So I just try to shrug off the uneasy feelings about Kerri that are lingering inside me as Susan presses forward with the group.

The rest of the afternoon goes by uneventfully.  After group the girls disperse and Susan and I go on a walk, catching up on personal issues and conversing in carefree conversation.  It’s nice and relaxing.  So relaxing in fact, that I start to miss Justin a lot more than I want to admit to myself.  This no texting thing is really really weird and different for him.  But I’m sure Trace is keeping him busy.  Still, I guess I’d just like to hear his voice for a few minutes, just to know that he’ll be okay without me for one more night.  After dinner, I finally cave in and decide to give him a call.  I go out onto the back porch, hoping it’s the one spot in the house that will be vacant long enough for me to have a private, carefree conversation with Justin and more than likely Trace as well.  A frown quickly forms on my face however, when I find Kerri sprawled out on one of the chaise lounges, staring out into space.  She gasps a little, hearing somebody enter her domain and her head snaps quickly to the right to see who has interrupted her.  

“Sorry,” I say sheepishly, taking a seat at the far end of the  porch as to not make her any more uncomfortable.  “Do you mind if I sit out here for awhile?”

“You already sat.” She shrugs.

It’s silent again.  She doesn’t care, and I really shouldn’t either.  I should just make my phone call and thank my lucky stars that I’ve moved past the stage of my life that Kerri is facing right now. But I find that I can’t just ignore her.  I guess that’s the thing with me.  I find somebody I can really relate to, and I just want to reach out and help them however I can.  Yeah, I know I’ll probably just piss Kerri off and she’ll leave again, but I figure it’s worth a try getting to know her.  I have a feeling that a lot of people underestimate the type of person that she really is deep down.  “I’m sorry if I made you angry earlier,” I say after awhile.  “I was just trying to give you some advice.”

“I get enough advice.” She doesn’t look at me.  “Don’t worry about me, all right? I can handle myself just fine.”

“If you could handle yourself you wouldn’t be here.” Okay I know it’s bold, but honestly this girl is screaming for some sort of wake up call.  Susan is obviously at her wits end and the last thing I want to hear is how Kerri got thrown out of here because she couldn’t clean up her attitude.  “You have barriers, and that’s fine.  But how is it helping you to push Susan away?”

She shoots me a cold look.  “I don’t push her away.  I just don’t think I need to discuss everything that’s happened in front of all those girls.  They all look at me like they hate me, and I can’t deal with that.”  She rolls her eyes and slaps a hand harshly on one of her thighs.  “Group is pointless, and I feel like I made a big mistake coming here in the first place.”

“Look, I felt the same way when I first came here,” I persist, sliding my chair a little bit closer to where she’s sitting.  Suddenly, I feel like I’m making a small connection with her.  Why she’s allowing me to I really don’t know, but I have a feeling that this is a good thing and so I’m going to go with it.  “I wasn’t used to putting my feelings and issues out in the open, because I had taught myself not to ever since I was young.  Being raped broke me, Kerri.  I never had to deal with anything so traumatizing my entire life, and when it hit me that I really did need somebody to hang on to so I could get through it, I didn’t know how to handle that.  I secluded myself and gave people an attitude.  But it didn’t get me anywhere, Kerri.  The only thing that woke me up, was when Susan packed up my stuff and threatened to throw me out the next morning.  I don’t want to see the same thing happen to you.”

She tilts her head backward, letting it hit the back of the chair before letting out a long sigh.  “I wish things were simple, Melanie.” She runs her hand through her mess of blond hair, and chuckles sadly.  Then she turns to me, her eyes glazed over with tears.  She chokes out a sob, before being able to continue on. “I wish my problems just stopped at being...taken and terrorized for a few days.  If that was the case, I probably wouldn’t even be here.  I’d be in New York and I’d probably have a good paying job.  My best friends and family wouldn’t have shut me out of their lives, and he and I would probably still be together.  But that’s not how things turned out, and I’m not going to sit here and try to make you understand why I’m so withdrawn from everything most of the time.  I’m tired of trying to make people understand me.”

I realize her pain is fighting to break through her barriers and be set free, and I wish I could figure out a way to let her know how much better she would feel if she simply let her guard down.  But at the same time I just know...this girl has pretty much lost everything she worked her entire life for.  I know she couldn’t have grown up in New York, her southern accent proves that to me.  She must have gone to school there, been just fine, and then something or somebody came along and screwed her entire life up.  Whatever it was messed her up so badly that her friends couldn’t deal, and the person who I’m assuming was her boyfriend left her to top it all off.  “I’m sorry the people in your life aren’t around for you like they should be, Kerri,” I whisper after awhile.  “I know how that feels.”

“My roommate back in New York...you know, I can’t expect her to get it,” she tells me quietly.  “She really tried for a long time.  She’d sit up at night with me when I couldn’t sleep, and calm me down when I woke up screaming from a nightmare.  But when....when he was having trouble out here, I just dropped everything to come out and be with him because I thought he needed me.  It really pissed her off, and I couldn’t get it at the time but now....I can sort of see why.  I’d worked hard to get some sort of order back into my life then, and she’d helped.  Leaving was sort of like...I dunno, telling her to fuck off or something.”  She shakes her head.  “But he was more important to me and I would have done anything to take his pain away.”

I take in a breath, wondering if I should push the subject of who “he” is.  I know I’ve sort of broken through a barrier with her here, and I know that’s a really good thing.  It’s obvious to me that she can’t relate with the other girls that live here.  She feels awkward and out of place, and I’m starting to get it now.  “Your boyfriend?,” I question, holding my breath a little.

She sits up a little and draws her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top of them.  She doesn’t say anything for awhile, and I don’t push her.  I know if she wants to talk to me, she will.  “Have you ever been in love Melanie?”  She changes the subject, and glances at me slightly, a sort of longing in her eyes.

I suck in my bottom lip, not really knowing how to answer that.  Before the rape? No.  No I had never found the time or the reason to fall in love with anybody.  After the rape? No, of course not.  I’d been terrified, barely being able to look at a member of the opposite sex until this year really.  But now...now I just don’t know.  I  think of Justin and can’t hide the smile that forms on my lips.  I know I love him.  I don’t know how to define it, or if it’s logical.  But I do know that I can’t wait to see him tomorrow, that I’m actually looking forward to bickering about this whole Tennessee ordeal, making him grovel at my feet for forgiveness before finally telling him that I’m ready to consider it as long as he stays on my good side.  “I could be now,” I say, laughing a little bit.  “I haven’t really decided what to make of my situation yet.”

She half smiles.  “Is he a good guy?”

I don’t hesitate.  “Yeah, he is,” I nod, feeling the blood rushing to my cheeks almost automatically.  “Don’t get me wrong, he can be a selfish little pain in the ass sometimes.  Actually, before I came up here he was being that way.  I reamed him out, and of course I gave into him when he apologized because he was being cute.  He’s too good at that, you know?” I sigh and roll my eyes.  “But he understands me, and he listens.  I...I haven’t been able to talk about much of my past with him yet, but sometimes I feel like I don’t even have to.  It’s almost like he understands what I’ve been through without me having to go into detail.  Nobody has ever been able to do that with me before, Kerri.  And I guess...given some time and patience, I know I could fall deeply in love with him.”

“When we were teenagers, you couldn’t separate us for anything,” she says, a smile forming on her lips.  Her gaze becomes a little distant, and I can tell her mind is focusing on some long forgotten memory, that I’m sure she wishes she could relive right now.  “He was always traveling, but he always made sure to include me.  I guess he’s the only guy I really every wanted to love, you know?”

I nod, but don’t comment.  I think this is Kerri’s breaking point.  I mean, I’m sure she’s told Susan some of this, but for her to just sit her and spill all this stuff to a stranger is a big step for her.  I start to wonder what’s making her trust me so much.  Was I more persistent than others have been, or do I just come off as a trustworthy person?  I know Justin trusts me, and that’s says a lot too because I know there’s only about a handful of people in the world that the guy lets into his life, especially right now.  I guess it’s just my demeanor.  In any case, I think I’m starting to like the girl.  She seems sweet, despite the fact that she has a horrible attitude at times.  But maybe I wasn’t seeing the real Kerri before.  Maybe this is her...subtle, sweet, and longing for somebody to just be there for her.  “So what happened?,” I ask.

She takes a breath.  “Well, we just....did things that we shouldn’t have,”

She eyes me as if I should know what she means.  The only thing I can come up with is something sexual, and I’m sure I’m correct, but I’m not going to throw the idea in her face like that, because I know it will only make the situation more awkward.  “I think I understand,” I nod.

“He got scared after that, and we stopped speaking for awhile,” she tells me sadly.  “I was angry at him and well...he’s the type of person that hides from his issues.  I didn’t see him for three years, and then our families decided enough was enough, I guess. They had us fly home together and all of that.  I still wonder to myself what would have happened if things didn’t go the way they did that weekend.  I feel like...we would have been okay.  I would have had him back, you know? But they stole that from me.  They stole so much...from both of us, when they took us.”

She looks so lost now, almost like she’s reliving some horrible reality that she hasn’t thought about in a long time.  I’m assuming that she was involved in some sort of a hostage situation with this guy, and I can’t even imagine the horrible pain they went through together.  I know Justin went through something similar, and just thinking about that...that he’s been as bad off as Kerri is at some points is heartbreaking to me.  “You guys were...”

“They took us,” she finishes for me.  “I...I don’t like to use the other word.”  She sniffs a little bit, and bites her lip.  “It was so fucking ironic,” she laughs through her tears.  “I didn’t want anything to do with him the entire flight back home, or after we landed.  Then there we were...locked in a basement for three days.  For a little while I thought it might have been a good thing too.  I felt safer knowing that he was there...like, he could protect me.  And I thought I could protect him too, or keep him sane...something.  But I just couldn’t.”

She’s sobbing now, staring out into space for some sort of answer that she isn’t going to find.  I think I’ve pushed her enough and honestly, she’s made enough headway tonight to make Susan happy for at least a month.  “Kerri you really don’t have to....”

“I screamed at him.” She says harshly, slapping her hand down onto the chaise lounge.  “I screamed at him for something so stupid.  Like the fact that he never called me in those three years was so relevant at that point.  If I’d just kept my mouth shut, they never would have locked me in that shed and...and that fucking bastard wouldn’t have raped him.”  She pauses and looks me dead in the eye, still in tears. “He was being raped and I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.  If I hadn’t started that fight...who knows? Who knows if it would have even happened.”

“You can’t believe that it was your fault or that you could have done anything about it,” I say, quietly.  “That man had a gun, I’m sure.  You could have been killed if you tried to do anything other than what he told you to do.”

She shakes her head.  “You don’t understand.  I turned him into a monster,” she cries.  “I tried everything I could to help him through the rape.  I lived with him, I traveled with him...but in the end all it did was backfire on me.  One night we had a big falling out.  I...i went to his house to get my things so I could go stay with a friend.  But when I was ready to leave he came home...” She trails off, and rocks herself back and forth a little bit.  

“What happened?” I ask her, figuring there’s no reason for her to hold back since she’s told me every other horrifying detail.  

“He was in a rage,” she confesses.  “He told me exactly what he thought of me, how terrible of a person I was and how everything was my fault.  He punched me, slapped me around...I begged him to stop, but it was like he couldn’t hear me.  He’d blacked out or something.  By the time he’d realized what he’d done, it was too late.  He was screaming for me to forgive him...but I ran away.  I got in the car, and it started to rain.  I was crying so hard, I couldn't even see straight.  The car flipped over.” She stops and shakes her head, rolling up the left leg of her pants to show me the long scar that lies underneath it.  “The doctor says I’ll never get rid of the limp, but god...I could have died.  That wasn’t the guy I knew, that did this to me.  It was like he’d transformed...and I was the cause of it all.”

I look deep into her eyes.  There’s an emptiness there that I wasn’t able to notice earlier, but now it’s more than apparent.  “You didn’t tell anybody did you?,” I say, knowingly.

She shakes her head slowly.  “I couldn’t.  I  still can’t, as much as I want to.  Susan knows, and now you know...but I could never confess it to our friends or family.  They wouldn’t know what to think.  I mean, he’s not that kind of person.  He never was.  I...I still love him.  I just want him to be okay, and if that means I have to stay away I’ll just have to put up with it for as long as I can.”

I can’t fathom the obsession she has with this guy.  It sounds like he’s always used her to his advantage since they’ve known each other.  This kidnapping brought them closer together, but it seems like Kerri latched onto the guy...smothering him.  That, along with the rest of his trauma made him snap in the end.  I feel terrible for her, and I really wish there was a way to get her over this guy.  But I realize I don’t know her well enough to give her any kind of advice.  It’s just like she said; nobody really understands her situation, or wants to take the time to.  

“You think I’m insane,” she laughs sadly, and covers her scar back up again.  “I’m used to it Melanie.  I won’t be mad at you for telling me what you think.”

I look at her for a long time, trying to think of the right thing to say to her.  But I know there really isn’t any right or wrong here.  There’s actually nothing I can really do but try to be her friend, let her know that she can call me just to talk, whenever she wants to.  Hell, maybe she can come over to Justin’s some weekend.  I’m sure he wouldn’t mind too much, and I think Kerri might enjoy just kicking back and letting loose a little bit. “You’re no more insane than I am,” I say, sliding my chair up next to hers so I can throw a comforting arm around her shoulders.  She seems tense for a minute or so, but then she melts into my gesture.  I feel her head leaning against my chest a moment later, and a smile, happy that she’s chose to find some comfort in this moment.  “What happened is hard, and terrible.  In fact, I think it may be a little worse than what happened to me.  But you have to pick yourself up, Kerri. You have to.”

“I can’t,” she whispers.  “I’m dead in the water, Melanie.”

“But you don’t have to be,” I say, gently.  “Susan says you’re working on a career and a promotion at a job that most people would kill to have,” I remind her.  “You have to focus on things like that.  The good things.  Even if there are way more bad things than good.  Make them stick out.  I had to force myself to do that for a really long time, and it was hard but I did it.  I pushed myself to make a difference in my life, because I knew that if I didn’t I would die.”

She pulls away from me, and chews the corner of her lip, studying me nervously for several minutes before speaking again.  “You think I can come out of this?”

“I’ll tell you what, if you can do this, there’s no reason why I can’t suck it up and start letting my feelings for my guy show.  So lets push each other, Kerri.  Let’s talk on the phone a couple of nights a week and update each other.  I think that...we sort of relate to each other in a way, right?”

She nods.  “I trust you,” she tells me softly.  “I never trust anybody.”

“Then it’s a deal.” I flash her a goofy little smile.

“Deal.”  She smiles at me genuinely.

We hug for a long time, silently.  Again, she’s another one of those people I don’t have to say anything to.  She just knows, and I can see myself becoming good friends with her. It would be nice to be able to hang out with another girl besides Tarin, who I seriously doubt I have anything in common with.  “Come on,” I giggle.  “Let’s go raid the fridge or something.”

A mischievous gleam enters Kerri’s eyes.  “I know there’s a box of Dove chocolate fudge bars with Susan’s name on it, hiding in the back of the freezer.  I just didn’t want to raid it by myself.  You know, it wouldn’t be as fun.”

Just as I’m about to tell her that I think I’ve found my new partner in crime, my phone starts to ring.  When I see Justin’s name flashing on the screen, I feel my smile grow a mile wide.  “You find the bars and get a good movie to watch,” I call out to her as I answer the call.  “I have to take this call.”

“Sure.”  Kerri smiles at me knowingly, and walks briskly back into the house.

“Hey you,” I say warmly, once I put the phone up to my ear.  “How’s life on the home front?”

“So I was thinking, can’t you and your friend just come here tonight and stay over?,” Justin says, his voice soft as if he’s trying to hide what he’s saying from somebody else.  “Because I really miss you, Mel.  I feel really shitty about what I did the other day, and I just thought...you know, that I could see you now instead of tomorrow.”

He really is cute.  I shouldn’t be thinking this way of course.  He’s just trying to get his way again and that should piss me off.  But the more I think about being stern with him, the more I realize that I can’t do it anymore.  Justin cares about me.  He cares about me being there and spending time with him.  It’s one of the reasons he wants me to come home with him, even though I know there are other factors mixed into it as well.  I don’t know.  Right now I don’t want to think about the “other factors”.  I just like all this good attention I’m getting from him.  I seem to be wanted, really wanted, for the first time in my life.  It makes my heart swell with pride and puts a smile on my face.

Even so, I know I can’t just go home or bring Kerri over to Justin’s house tonight.  Things are too complicated.  The girl just spilled her guts to me and we’re trying to lighten up the evening.  Bringing strangers into the mix of her life wouldn’t be helping her situation at all.  “Justin,” I say, laughing lightly.  “You know I can’t.”

“But I miss you,” he whines.

“I miss you too.   But I can’t just expect my friend to come to your house and be totally comfortable with it.  She’s never met you, and I know how you are around people you don’t know,” I inform him.

“I won’t act like a dick.  I’ll be a cordial guest host, I swear!,” he promises me.  “Please?”

It kind of sucks, because I know he really would try and put on this front like nothing is wrong with him for Kerri’s sake.  If I didn’t think she’d be so uncomfortable I might even be tempted to ask her if she wanted to go too.  But I know I can’t.  If the situation was reversed and she asked me, I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea at all.

“Hey Mel,” Kerri calls out from somewhere behind me.  “The ice cream is starting to melt.”

I look over my shoulder and smile at her a little.  “Sorry, I’ll be there in a minute okay?”

“Hey is that your friend?” Justin asks me, obviously overhearing the conversation.  “Let me talk to her.  I’ll convince her to come over.  I’m good like that.”

I roll my eyes and groan into the phone.  “I can’t!  Just stop, okay? I’m coming home tomorrow.”

“Is that him?,” Kerri whispers so as to not be overheard.  

I nod to her, and she seems to get it and points to the inside of the house and her watch reminding me to hurry up so we can pig out together.  “Don’t you realize what you’re doing, Justin?,” I continue once Kerri is safely out of earshot.  “You don’t know this girl.  She could be a fan or something.  I can’t just waltz her into your house because you can’t deal with another night without me.  I know it’s hard.  I know you can’t really cook or clean your house yourself...”

“Hey, that’s not why I want you to come home,” he defends.  “I miss you just being here.  I miss being able to talk to you whenever I want.  It’s just a few days and I know that but I feel like...it’s been a year.”

I sigh.  I can’t let this continue and I know I have to get off the phone with him.  But simply telling him that I can’t talk anymore and hanging up will only depress him and I don’t want to do that.  The truth is, it hurts me to hear how much he misses me because I know that deep inside I miss him just as much.  But it’s just a night, and I need this one last night to myself...just to be able to clear my head and think about the conversation I’m going to have with Justin regarding going home with him and how I really feel.  “Is Trace still there?”

“Yeah.  But he said I shouldn’t be calling you so I’m sort of sneaking around right now,” he confesses.  

“Well he has a point, and it’s rude to be sneaking around and doing this behind his back when he’s trying to entertain you don’t you think?”

“Oh well.”

I sigh heavily.  “I want to talk to him.”

“Come on, Mel.  It’s not that serious or anything.  I bet you were even going to give me a call before you went to sleep.”

I can hear him smiling to himself through the phone and I can’t stand that he’s right.  For some reason he seems to have me all figured out.  He knows what buttons to push to get me riled up, or to make me want to fall into his arms.  I don’t understand how he does it, but I guess...that whole manipulative charm of his comes into play somehow.  “Maybe I was, but you called me first.” My tone fails to be serious.  “So it’s your fault.”

“Oh whatever.”

I can hear Trace in the background asking Justin who he’s on the phone with, and I start laughing to myself.  Justin tries to play it off like it’s the wrong number, but he fails miserably.  

“I told you not to call her...” Trace’s voice is closer now and I can hear a slight scuffle over the line and I’m assuming Trace is fighting for the phone.  “Hello? Mel?”

Yes,” I laugh, recognizing Trace’s voice right away.  “It’s me.”

“Sorry, I tried to hide all the phones in the house so he’d just leave you alone for a couple of days.  It almost worked too, but I guess I shouldn’t have drank that six pack of beer before.  I ended up calling Tarin and he got a hold of the phone when I dozed off.”

I roll my eyes at the prospect that they’ve both been drinking, but I won’t say anything about it.  I trust Trace.  He wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Justin in the house, and as long as they aren’t out drinking and driving I don’t really care if Justin has a few beers with his friend.  I’m sure Lynn would be pissed, but of course like every other time...I won’t say anything.  “It’s okay, Trace.  I was going to call anyway, he just got to me first.”

“He’s been whining about how he misses you all day.  It’s really annoying,” he tells me tiredly.

“Well you should have taken him out someplace,” I point out.  “You know how to keep him stimulated, Trace.  It’s supposed to be my little weekend off here.”

“Fuck, girl,” he laughs.  “I’m not his bitch.  He should be able to amuse himself at this point.”


“Who’s a bitch!”

I hear Justin call out playfully from somewhere in the background.  It causes me to laugh out loud, and for a moment I’m longing to be there in the house with the two of them cracking jokes, kicking back a few beers, and telling Justin how much of a dork he is.  I know I can’t be, but if I really wanted to I know I could be back there first thing in the morning as long as I got an early start.  It would be sort of messed up, leaving Susan without a proper breakfast goodbye and I know that.  But at the same time, for the first time in my life, I feel like there’s something more important that I have to attend to back home.  “Look, I’m doing something important here and I can’t just up and leave like he wants me to.  But tell him if he can keep his sanity for one more night, I’ll be there first thing in the morning instead of the afternoon.”

He groans.  “I don’t know if I can wait that long, Mel.  He’s being a fucking pain in my ass.”

“Oh give me a break!,” I exclaim.  “You owe me.  You know what I put up with, and I’m still holding a little grudge against you for being a jerk to me that first week that I met you.”

“You sure know how to make a guy feel guilty, Mel,” he laughs.

I smile.  “Oh I know.  That’s why you’re going to put up with his crap for another night.”

“Where are you anyway?  The way Justin makes it sound, it’s like you’re on another planet or something.”

I know I can’t tell him the real truth, because I’m not ready to tell him about Susan or anything like that, especially over the phone.  “Just a friends house,” I say quickly.

“Wow that doesn’t sound suspicious at all,” he chuckles and pauses for a few moments.  “Do you have a boyfriend, Mel?”

What the hell? “No.”

“Okay...a girlfriend?”

“God!,” I yell at him.  “Shut up! No!”

He laughs heartily for a few minutes and it makes me want to smack him.  In fact, if I  was there in front him right now I probably would.  “Then what’s the big fuckin’ secret, Mel?”

“Are you serious?,” I snap at him, starting to get annoyed.  I feel like he’s interrogating me right now, when really...nothing that goes on in my life is any of his business if it doesn’t have to do with Justin’s sanity.  “Do I have to tell you guys everything I do? I mean, I don’t call you up and question you about your life do I?”

“I don’t have secrets really,” he tells me.  “So there’s no point in you doing that."