The last time I watched a movie, like really watched one and enjoyed it, was with Justin. It had been a laid back evening, right before we were due to go to Memphis to do some shows. Funny, I can’t remember what we watched, but I do remember how safe I felt with his arms wrapped around me, and how loved I felt when he lips would land on my forehead and neck every few minutes. The one thing I haven’t been able to forget about him in all this time is how warm he is, and how safe I felt when we were together. It didn’t matter that he was insecure as hell, I knew that no matter what...he’d protect me. That he’d never let anything or anybody hurt me the way Shane and Nathan had hurt us. I trusted him. I gave my entire heart and soul just to be with him.
But the one thing I never, ever, counted on was him turning on me in the end.
Of course there were warning signs. The slap to the face I received after Trace had told him about Shane, and the way he’d raise his voice when I really pissed him off should have steered me away from allowing myself to get lost in him when he was being the normal, sweet guy I’d always known. But I couldn’t have cared less. He hit me, he yelled at me, it happened and life moved on. I was so terrified of losing him that I didn’t care about what kind of consequences I had to pay. Even all those times I’d let him have sex with me when I really wasn’t comfortable enough to be doing it, I still didn’t pay it any mind the following morning. It was just the way things were. I convinced myself nobody else understood and they didn’t have to, because I loved him. I loved him so much, and it ruined me.
But I’d still take him back, and I don’t know what that makes me. Am I insane? Desperate? Or simply just too scared to move on and change my life for the better? I can’t lie to myself. I know it’s just that I’m scared. I mean, I know there’s a whole world filled with opportunities out there, just waiting for me to come and take advantage of them. I’ve gained a slight amount of self respect thanks to Susan and I know I’m not a stupid girl. I’ve got brains, I made it through four years of college, barely letting my grades slip below an eighty nine average. I realize that says a lot about me, that I should be more confident, look important people in the face when I talk to them, and not be so damn afraid to take risks anymore. Shane and Nathan died months ago, and I need to just let the memories of what happened to me...and what happened to Justin, die with them once and for all. It’s the only chance I have of having some kind of a normal existence. The only chance I have of being able to focus on a job and possibly a relationship in the future.
I guess Melanie was right. It does get easier to talk about the incident the more I allow myself to do it. I was so scared in the beginning, but after spilling my guts to her I don’t really know why I held out for so long. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders once I let all of that pain go. She didn’t ask me a lot of questions or try to find out the names of the people I was referring to, either. That was a good thing, because I knew I couldn’t tell her I was talking about Justin. It would have made the situation awkward and god forbid she was a fan of his. I know it would have freaked the poor girl out. She just wanted to give me advice it seemed. She knew exactly what to say too. But I’m sure having been raped herself, she had been through enough depression and heartache to last her a lifetime. It’s weird to say but even though I wasn’t raped...I guess I’ve always been able to feel Justin’s pain in a way. Knowing Melanie could relate to me relaxed me I guess. None of the other girls at the home have bothered making that type of connection with me. Susan is great of course, but she’s a lot older than I am and I feel like I’m talking to my mother half the time, not a friend.
I wish Melanie could have stayed longer.
Before bed that night she told me she had to go home early the next morning. I was kind of disappointed as I thought we would have at least been able to have breakfast with Susan and chat about getting together sometime soon. She seemed to feel bad too, knowing that I wished she could stay. There was a longing in her eyes that told me she was in need of a friend. I knew because it was the same way I had been feeling ever since Trace had cast me out of his house.
“I’d love to stay, Kerri.” She’d sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “I’m just sort of needed at home at the moment. But I promise, the next chance I get we’ll definitely hang out. And I plan on calling and texting the crap out of you, by the way. So be prepared for total Melness to the extreme.”
“Should we have code names?,” I’d asked her playfully. “Then we could feel important.”
“I’m queen of the code names!,” she’d exclaimed. “But you have to give me time to think of a couple. This kind of stuff takes time, you know.”
Her playful demeanor reminded me in a small way, of the Justin I had known years ago. Actually, her personality in general reminds me a lot of Justin. Not the horrible side of course, but the playful, quirky side that I miss like hell. I think it’s why I was so drawn to her, why after I stormed out of group that morning, I couldn’t help but feel bad about how I’d treated her. I’m glad to call her my friend now, glad that I’ve actually made a connection with somebody outside of my little circle since the incident happened. It must mean I’m starting to fix myself. Of course, it’s going to take a hell of a long time to be a hundred percent again and I know if the littlest thing comes up and sets me off I’ll probably fall apart. But I’m trying as hard as I can not to think about the negative. And that’s a great thing...
I can’t remember the last time I was this happy.
I’d woke up extra early the next morning so I could say goodbye to Melanie before she left for home. She seemed surprised that I’d made the effort to wake up at four forty five when she knew I had to be at work by 7, but I told her that I wouldn’t have felt right not saying goodbye. With the promise of phone calls and silly text messages to my cell, she hugged me a long goodbye. There were a few tears making their way down her face when we’d pulled away from each other, but I can’t say I was doing any better myself.
“You’re going home to fix things with that guy,” I’d smiled knowingly as I wiped the tears off of my face. “Aren’t you?”
She’d rolled her eyes as her face grew beet red. “He misses me.”
I’d laughed a little. “You miss him,” I’d pointed out.
She looked at the ground, embarrassed. “Yeah, yeah. You got me.”
“You need to go for it girl.” I’d put my hands on her shoulders and shook her a little, causing her to laugh and look me in the eye again. “You love him, or if you don’t yet...you will.” I’d paused for a moment, the memory of losing Justin hitting me like a mac truck. I knew how hard that was for me, and I wouldn’t have wished that type of pain on anybody. “Don’t allow yourself to lose somebody you care about this much, Mel. If you’re willing to wake up this early on your vacation for him, he has to be pretty special.”
She’d bit her lip and nodded a little. “He is special. I just...don’t know if I’m ready.”
“Please.” I’d rolled my eyes. “You’re beyond ready. You got me out of my little funk for the moment. That alone speaks for itself.”
“You’re not that bad,” she’d giggled.
“Oh believe me,” I reassured her with a sarcastic smirk. “I’m bad.”
“I can’t just go home and proclaim my undying love for him. I know exactly what would happen. I’d either freak him out or he’d think I was lame.” She’d shaken her head and sighed. “I know how he is, and I know how I am. If and when it happens, it’s going to be a spur of the moment kind of thing.”
“I need to talk to this guy,” I’d smiled. “I’ll set him straight. If he can’t see how awesome you are, he’s fucking crazy. You have to make sure you keep me updated with this whole thing. Promise?”
“I definitely will, Kerri.”
We’d hugged one last time, and with her promise to speak to me soon, I’d waved goodbye to her as she drove off the property. Naturally, I hadn’t been able to get back to sleep after that so I busied myself with making breakfast and writing an entry in my journal. It was probably one of the sanest mornings I’d had for myself in awhile, and the only reason why I’d been able to go into work that morning with a smile on my face, not giving Tarin a second glance as I passed her on my way to what used to be her old work space.
I can’t deny how good it feels to be the boss. For the first time, I don’t have to worry about some bitch breathing down my neck every five minutes. David is actually really laid back as a boss too. He only calls me if he needs to give me a task to do, or to answer a question I might have for him. Other than that he mostly lets me run the floor my own way. Since I’m assisting the head DJ a lot of the time, I don’t really have to worry about too much since he’s giving me so many things to take care of for him. Now more than ever, I realize how useful interns really are. I’ve had several of them, including Tarin, take care of a whole bunch of pointless tasks that I just didn’t have time for. Things I usually hate doing like photocopying, lunch orders, and phone call lists simply aren’t my problem anymore (and deep down, it feels really great to tell Tarin how I take my coffee). I know I’m still easing into all of this and getting the position was really sudden, but I’m starting to really like my job for once. I’m actually learning what the industry involves and I couldn’t have asked for a better way to do it. It means a brighter future for me career wise. I’ll be able to get a job anywhere after this.
Around four that same afternoon, David had come downstairs. Tarin had been working on some filing and I had been going over the next day’s itinerary. I figured he was making his usual end of the day rounds before skipping out just prior to four thirty. When I felt him come up behind me and place a hand on my shoulder though, my body went rigid. I’d been trying to keep the conversation we’d had the previous week out of my mind. I didn’t want to think of David as a bad person, and had been constantly reminding myself that the alcohol had been talking for him that night. He hadn’t said anything to me about our conversation since then anyway, so I figured maybe I had been right about my theory after all.
“Can’t wait to see you in that dress tomorrow night,” he’d whispered in my ear, one of his hands traveling down the bare part of my upper arm and ending at my fingertips which he grasped gently in his hand.
I’d pulled my hand out of his slowly, turning to face him with a forced smile. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Tarin paused at the filing cabinet, taking the entire scene in with a disgusted look on her face. I don’t know why, but in that moment I felt like a skank, letting David touch me like that. Really, the fact that Tarin was thinking about me in a bad way shouldn’t have made me that uncomfortable. But I guess it was Trace’s voice in the back of my mind asking me that one simple question, that was making me feel like I did:
“Do you know David? I mean like, at all?”
I didn’t, and I snapped back into reality really quickly. “I um...”
“Come on.” He’d cut me off, taking my hand again and smiling at me warmly. “You don’t have to be so nervous around me anymore, Kerri. We’re working things out, right? You’re happy...well, you seem happy anyway.”
I’d nodded quickly, probably a little too desperately. “Oh I’m really happy, David. I love the position. It’s teaching me a lot about the industry.”
“Well that’s great!” He’d exclaimed. “You’re supposed to. I talked to JoJo today too, and he said that he really enjoys working with you. He told me you’re a great help, and an asset to the team here.”
That was one thing I’d been genuinely happy to hear coming out of David’s mouth. JoJo was a really good guy, and a guiding force in helping me become accustomed to my new position. He let me take my time, and taught me how to do things the right way so I’d learn before making a huge mistake. I guess having him around is sort of a blessing to my career, and the only person I can thank for that really, is David. But hell, I didn’t want to tell him that. It would have given his ego an even bigger boost that he definitely didn’t need. “Well, I’m really glad that I haven’t screwed up yet.” I’d forced a laugh and tried to turn back to my paperwork, but David hadn’t seemed to be through with me.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow night around nine,” he’d informed me, pulling on my arm so I’d turn back to face him again. “We’ll go to the party together. That cool with you?”
His smile was charming and sweet, and if I hadn’t been forewarned about him by Trace, I might have thought he was a really nice guy. But the more I told myself he was, the sicker I felt inside. I had no desire to go with him to his friends birthday party. I would have much rather spent the night in front of the TV or at the movies with Cooper. But I knew I couldn’t turn him down. As he’d put it, he needed see where my “priorities lied”. Of course I knew what that meant. He wanted me to do things with him. Things that I had only done with one other person in my life. Sure, I’d kissed Trace and we’d almost ended up going all the way but he was smart enough to stop himself before things could escalate any further. One thing I had never been was easy. Only when it came to Justin, did I allow myself to be taken advantage of...because I loved him.
But I didn’t love David. If I messed around with him, it would have been for the sake of my job and nothing more. Wasn’t it illegal what he was doing? Wasn’t there somebody I could talk to about it?
Maybe it was. No there wasn’t.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I’d told him quietly. “I already cleared my schedule for tomorrow night.”
He’d smiled at me smugly. “That’s what I like to hear.” He’d leaned down then, and kissed me on the side of the cheek quickly. “Why don’t you take off? You’re pretty much done with everything right?”
I was starting to figure out very quickly, that making David happy made my job a hell of a lot easier. That was a good thing too. It was one less thing I had to stress about, and lie awake at night thinking of. Being happy at work gave me something to focus on, and rid my mind of my nightmares. I started to think that maybe doing things his way wasn’t so bad. I was technically single. Sure, I was hanging out with Cooper and we’d kissed but I hadn’t committed to him or anything. Sleeping with David just once wouldn’t be all that terrible. It was a way out of struggling to make a name for myself in the radio industry. “Well I have a few things...” I’d began, pointing to the pile of papers on my desk.
“No, Kerri,” he’d chuckled. “You’re done.” He turned to Tarin. “That’s what your head intern is for. She stays later so you don’t have to.”
I’d stared at Tarin then, who was still at her place by the filing cabinet. Her arms were crossed, and that look of disgust was still spread across her face. I couldn’t tell who she was more angry with. Me for just being around, or David for treating her like he was. I felt like apologizing, but I couldn’t have possibly done it without looking like an idiot.
“Go ahead,” David nudged me forward a little bit. “Let her know what you need done.”
He seemed to be getting a kick out of tormenting her and I began to wonder just how deep David’s relationship with Tarin ran. It was obvious he was punishing her for something, but I had no idea what it really was. She hadn’t done anything so terrible at the event to cause David to be treating her like he was. It was something else. Something that had made him feel inferior. And in that moment, I had no idea why she was still putting up with him. I knew she was experienced, and she could have easily gotten another job at a different radio station. But I guess she wanted to show him a thing or too as well. “The um...papers on my desk need to be photocopied,” I’d told her, a little nervously. “Then filed...”
“I know how to do your job.” She’d cut me off and walked across the room, over to where David and I were standing. “I’ll take it from here.” She started gathering up the papers expertly, not saying another word to either of us.
“Watch the attitude,” David warned her, seriously.
She’d looked up, glaring at him like he was the worst person on the face of the earth. “Why don’t you take your new project and go home, David,” she’d said coldly to him, as if I wasn’t standing there. “Better have some fun before something else grabs your attention.”
He placed his hands on his hips and clenched his jaw. “You’ll be working with the cleaning crew here by the time I’m done with you,” he seethed.
“Mm,” she nodded as if she couldn’t have cared less. “See you there.”
Just as I was about to bid them both a goodnight, not wanting to stick around for the gory details, David turned to me, his expression completely different from just seconds before. That warm smile was back now, along with his irresistible charm and the twinkle in his eyes. “Hey Kerri, do you think you could give Tarin and I just a minute? I’ll meet you outside.”
“Oh....” I’d trailed off for a moment, my eyes immediately darting back to Tarin who looked like she was about to blurt out another snide remark. “I can just see you tomorrow though, can’t I?”
“Just meet me outside,” he’d told me, his voice a little more forceful this time. “All right?”
I knew saying no at that point would have pissed him off, and I had yet to have him angry with me. I wanted to keep it that way, so I simply nodded in approval and stepped out. I must have waited in the parking lot a good half hour before David came out of the building, the irritated expression on his face fading away automatically as he came close to me. “Sorry about that,” he chuckled. “Just had to cover a few things with her.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels.
I’d eyed him suspiciously. I didn’t know what had just went on, and I know I’d never been Tarin’s biggest fan, but for some reason I was concerned for her. “Is everything okay, David?,” I’d ask him softly.
“Oh, you’re not worried about her are you?,” he’d laughed. “Don’t worry about her.”
“I just...”
r32;He threw an arm around me, silencing whatever I was about to bring up, which I hadn’t been able to remember by that point because he was touching me again. “How about coffee?”
I’d shrugged.
We ended up at Starbucks, and I was oh so thrilled to listen to David talk about himself for an hour. I found myself spacing out at one point, thinking about Cooper and how I would have much rather have been drinking coffee with him and talking about Star Wars. It got me to smile, but sadly, David thought it was due to him being in front of me.
“You know,” he’d said softly, looking deep into my eyes. “You have a really beautiful smile, Kerrigan.”
I’d swallowed hard. “It’s Kerri.”
He’d sat back a little bit, seemingly annoyed. “Are you still all bent out of shape because of earlier?” He shot me a suspicious glance.
“I’m just a little confused,” I’d confessed to him. “I’m sorry, I don’t meant to be difficult.” I’d paused and bit my bottom lip. “I just feel like the Tarin thing is...”
“Look, let me tell you something about Tarin and me,” he’d interrupted. “We had our thing. I trusted her, and she went behind my back and started fucking some other guy. Now I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty messed up.”
I was silent for a few minutes. It wasn’t my place to question his relationship with Tarin, but when it was interfering with work, I felt like it was my duty to understand exactly what was going on. “But what does that have to do with work, David?”
He smirked. “Everything when her new boyfriend is making her lose her focus. You don’t realize some stuff you need to do yet, and I guess you’ll learn once you really start getting your hands dirty. But Tarin knows her job just like I know my cell phone number. She had started to misplace things, and she was late for a few really important meetings with execs. It killed me to demote her, you know?” He paused and sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. “I really wanted to see her make it to the top because she worked hard for me. But I--I can’t take a risk like that if her mind isn’t focused on the job, Kerri. I know you probably saw that situation back there and thought I was being a prick. But you know...you need to be a little more aggressive too.” He smiled, but I could tell it was more to make me feel guilty than anything else. “You shouldn’t be staying that late. Tarin knows what her job is, and it’s your job to make sure she does it and takes care of whatever you don’t get to on top of it. You were doing the same crap for her. I know because I saw it.”
I shrugged. “I’m not really into ordering people around.”
“Well get used to it,” he told me seriously. “It’s a cut throat business Kerri, and you have to fight your way to the top...do whatever it takes to get there. People are going to walk all over you if you don’t hold your head high and put them in their place. In fact, I want you to start making me a list of all your tasks, and the things you’re making Tarin do for you. Her work load should be twice what yours is.”
I’d looked down at my lap. He was making me so fucking uneasy and I began to wonder if I was really cut out for the job he was so graciously giving me. I knew Tarin could handle it. In fact, despite everything that had gone wrong between us, I couldn’t deny the fact that she was the one who kept that radio station running. David didn’t have to worry about a thing while Tarin had been in my position, which probably explains why he was always sitting up in his office, talking on the phone with his friends all day. Giving me the job just didn’t make sense. It killed me to admit that to myself, but like I said...I’m not a stupid girl.
And David was only giving me things in hopes that I would give him plenty of things in return.
“I don’t want you to stress yourself out over this.” He’d laughed gently and reached out to smooth his hand over my cheek. “You’re fine. I like you. I think you’re going to do a great job, and I’m the boss so that’s all that really matters, okay?” He’d leaned in suddenly and kissed me gently on the lips without warning. “God you’re gorgeous,” he’d smiled.
I’d sat in my seat, frozen. I just didn’t understand why he thought it was okay for him to kiss me. I hadn’t really shown a lot of interest in that area, and the fact that he felt he could do whatever he wanted really annoyed me. I should have gotten up and walked away then, or at least told him off, but I didn’t. I just sat there, and stared at him like a stupid idiot.
“That was a compliment,” he’d chuckled.
I felt my face turn red. “I---thank you,” I’d managed, stupidly.
“I like a shy girl,” he’d said to me gently, touching my face again. “It shows how pure you are inside.”
I pulled away from him, having had enough of his hands and lips touching my body at that point. I needed to get out, go home...go anywhere but where David was. “I better go,” I’d said quickly, sliding the chair out and getting up. “But I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He didn’t seem phased at how uncomfortable I was, and all that did was tell me how much he didn’t care about anything but his own happiness. “Why don’t you just take the day tomorrow,” he’d smiled, getting out of his own chair. . “Relax, maybe get your hair and makeup done...whatever you want.” He reached into his pocket, fished out a pair of hundred dollar bills and handed them to me.
“You don’t have to give me money,” I told him sheepishly as he walked me out to his car.
“Yeah, but I like you.” He winked at me. “You should be able to have whatever you want.”
I just nodded, not really knowing what else to say to him without making the situation worse for myself. I let him take me back to the radio station, even though he practically begged to let him drive me home. I managed to get him to believe that a friend was picking me up and we were going to go shopping, when in reality it was just Susan waiting for me. Yeah, it was a stupid lie but I just couldn’t be stuck with him anymore that day. I felt like I was cornered and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t tell him to stop touching me. I was more concerned about my job than how stupid it was to give into him. And I knew that when I went to that party with him, I was going to have to do whatever he wanted or face the consequences.
It reminded me of how trapped Justin must have felt when Shane touched him. Then I started to feel sick.
David dropped me off a few feet from Susan’s car, not hesitating to give me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek before leaving me. When I got into the car I knew Susan could tell I was uneasy, and she didn’t hesitate to question me about where I knew him from or what his intentions were. Of course I just fed her some crap about him being a friend at work, and it wasn’t going to go further than that. I know I should have asked her for advice or something but honestly, I was tired and overwhelmed by the afternoon as a whole. All I really wanted to do, I realized, was relax and maybe call Cooper or Elisha to try and forget how tense I was about what was going to take place the following evening. Funnily enough, Cooper ended up calling me as soon as I stepped into the house. I was more relieved to hear his cheerful voice than I thought I would have been. Immediately, I’d been able to let loose and just talk to him. Of course I didn’t go into details about the day, or about David, but that was only because I knew I couldn’t. I wished like hell that Cooper would have understood the situation, but I knew it would only drive him away. Things between him and I had gotten to the point where I guess...it would have hurt to lose him. I could talk to him. He didn’t judge me for the things I’d done in the past, and well...
I guess I liked to kiss him too. A lot.
We met for dinner and he brought his youngest sister, April, with him since his other sister, Natalie, had gone to sleep at a friends house that night. His sisters are really nice girls. From the moment I met them I could tell that they had been well brought up, despite the fact that their mother had recently abandoned them. The best part was that they seemed to like me right away. I was a little bit surprised, but then I thought about it and realized Cooper and I had hit things off just as fast. I guess I was just more likable than I gave myself credit for. Without Justin and Trace around, it was almost like I was a different person. I could be myself. I didn’t have to watch what I said, or remember the bulk of the shit I’d been through with the two of them. Cooper and his family weren’t a part of all that. They were separated, and they didn’t concern themselves with it. All Cooper seemed to want to do was get to know me, hang out and have some fun. And the more I get to know Cooper, the more I realize that he really does need to have some more fun mixed into his busy lifestyle.
I like being the one to help him with that.
After dinner we went back to his house to get April into bed. Once she’d fallen asleep, we settled on the couch together. His arm was causally draped over my shoulder and we took turns channel surfing until we finally settled on an episode of Law and Order. About halfway through he started to yawn and I told him that I probably should go home before he got too tired.
He looked over at me then and flashed me a tired smile. “How about you just crash here for tonight? It’s not really worth it for me to wake April up and bring you all the way back to Susan’s at this hour. I’ll fix you a place on the couch.”
Naturally, I was terrified. Cooper wasn’t a stranger or anything, but I hadn’t known him all that long and I’d never just...trusted him like that. Trust meaning that I could sleep at his house and know that he wouldn’t try to touch me. I couldn’t tell him that though. Deep down I knew Cooper wasn’t the type. He wouldn’t hurt me, and I knew I had to get over myself and take him up on his offer. After all, I had agreed to come over and it wasn’t his fault that I couldn’t drive myself home. I would have felt even worse waking his sister up too. So, after sucking in a deep breath I’d forced a smile and agreed.
“These should fit.” Cooper returned from upstairs, as he’d gone to get me something more comfortable to wear for the night. He tossed me a pair of flannel pajama pants and a NYU tee shirt that obviously belonged to him. “Sorry that you have to wear my stuff. Nat is really anal about me going through her room so I figured this would be safer.”
“It’s fine, Cooper,” I’d chuckled slightly and bunched the clothing in my arms. “I’ll just go change and be back in a second.” I’d walked nervously down the hall and into the bathroom, taking my time to change. I thought about everything in those precious moments. The stuff that had happened with David that day, and how Cooper had been able to ease all my tension away. I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror for awhile, just knowing that I was starting to really like Cooper a lot. It scared me, and made me want to run away. A large part of me didn’t want to face the fact that Justin was gone and I was moving on with my life. It wanted things to go back to the way they had been before the incident. But the smarter part of me knew that couldn’t be. I should have been thankful that things were starting to turn around. Cooper was a great guy, I couldn’t deny that. And I also couldn’t deny the fact that he seemed to really care about me, even though he hadn’t known me that long. It was almost natural, him wanting to be around me. There was no question in his mind about being there for me. He just was. I realized from that moment on, if I needed him he was going to be there. There was no begging or hoping involved.
I just needed to be sure I could do the same for him.
When I’d finally ventured back out into the living room, I found that Cooper had the couch all set up for me, complete with sheets, extra pillows and a comforter. I’d blushed a little. “You’re going through too much trouble for me, Cooper. I hope your bed is this comfortable.”
“It’s no trouble,” he reassured me with that charming smile of his. “If it was, I wouldn’t have asked you to stay here in the first place.” He pulled the blanket aside for me and motioned for me to lay down.
“Thanks.” I layed down, immediately sinking into the comfort of the broken in sofa, forgetting why I’d been so uncomfortable about staying overnight in the first place. “Do you have work tomorrow?”
He’d shrugged. “I was supposed to, but I called in a favor.” He sat down on the edge of the sofa and laughed a little.
“Cooper...” I’d began, sighing harshly. The last thing I wanted him to start doing was putting his life on hold for me. There was no reason for it, and he didn’t even know half of the crap that was going on in my life. I didn’t want to expose him to it. But I knew the more I hung around him, the harder it was going to be to keep it all from him. r32;r32;“Look, I’m really glad that you’re here,” he smiled. “I thought we could hang out for a while tomorrow because you said you didn’t have plans until night time. We haven’t really gotten to do a ton of that yet so... I just thought it would be nice.”
I tried, but I couldn’t hold back the smile that broke across my face. “I think I’d like that.”
He reached out then, cautiously, and I allowed him to trace a pattern down my cheek with his hand. Immediately, I noticed the difference from the way David made me feel when he had done it earlier in the afternoon. Sparks seemed to fly now, and my heart was beating a little faster. I seemed to long for Cooper in that moment. I wanted him to hold me, and I didn’t even notice that I had put my hand up to hold onto his until he drew in closer to me and kissed me on the forehead.
“You’re so much different than anyone else I’ve ever met,” he’d said to me quietly, as he stared longingly into my eyes. “You just listen, and you let me talk to you. I haven’t had anybody that I could be this carefree with in years, Ker. I know things didn’t really start out all that great with us, but I trust you now, you know? I can see you and me becoming an ‘us’ someday.”
I’d sat up a little bit, trying to comprehend everything he was telling me without having a panic attack. Cooper really liked me, that was obvious. But now here he was talking about me and him becoming something more...like a couple. Fuck, I didn’t even know what to say. I couldn’t have been ready for that. There was too much that had gone on, and I had only just begun to get some sanity back into my life. But was I just making up excuses in my head? Was the part of me that was still trying to hold onto the past keeping me from telling Cooper that I felt the same way? I just didn’t know, but I was tired of cheating myself. I had feelings for Cooper. How deep they ran I would have to find out, but I knew that I didn’t want to be apart from him.
I needed him.
“I need you.” I heard myself blurt out the words and I wanted to kill myself. I sounded desperate, and stupid. I didn’t want him to think I was some weak little girl who couldn’t fend for herself. When I looked up into his eyes again though, and found that his smile had only grown wider, I realized that everything was going to be okay. Cooper didn’t view me as desperate, or clingy, or pathetic. He just saw me for who I really was, and he wanted to be that guy who stuck around.
He kissed me, softly at first, letting his body fall gently on top of mine. I didn’t stop him, and kissed him back more passionately, not thinking of Justin, or Trace. The only thought running through my mind was that Cooper was touching me, and I loved it. I loved every minute of it, and I never wanted it to stop. Our kissing didn’t escalate. Somehow, Cooper seems to know that I’m not ready to go further than that yet. How I have no idea, but I’m glad anyway. It’s one less thing I have to explain to him at the moment, and I’m happy that he’s satisfied with simply kissing me.
I hope that one day I’ll be ready to love him with everything I have inside of me.
“Kerri, how old were you when you got your license?”
I look up from the task at hand, scooping cookie batter with April, and smile at Natalie. “Sixteen, but driving down south isn’t the same as driving in Los Angeles,” I chuckle. I feel bad. The girl is dying to drive, but both Cooper and his father absolutely forbid her to start taking lessons until she’s at least seventeen. It’s understandable of course. Los Angeles is a big, busy city and not the safest place for a sixteen year old girl and her friends to be driving around. Case in point, my own car accident happened not too far from here. Although, the circumstances were a lot different.
“You need to calm down with this whole driving thing, Nat,” Cooper speaks up, coming up from behind me and giving me a soft squeeze around the waist. “It’s not as big of a deal as you think it is.”
“But it is!” she protests. “Cooper, all my friends are driving already! Why can’t you just talk to Dad and make him understand that his daughter is the laughing stock of her high school right now?”
“Daddy says Natalie would drive off the Golden Gate.” Like any normal eight year old, April sticks her tongue out at her sister and watches with a delighted smile as I plop a perfected scoop of dough onto the baking sheet.
“Great,” Natalie slaps a hand on her thigh. “I’m glad Dad has decided to bad mouth me to an eight year old.”
“You’re just full of drama today aren’t you?” Cooper laughs at his sister. “Why don’t you just sit and relax? The pools warm today, call your friends over or something.”
She glares at him and crosses her arms stubbornly. “Why would they want to come over here and swim when they can drive to beach in their cars?”
I can’t hold back my laughter. “I knew that was coming next.”
Instead of using David’s money to doll myself up for our wonderful evening tonight, I decided to take Cooper’s sisters out for a little clothes shopping at the mall instead. They were delighted, but Cooper wasn’t crazy about the idea, telling me that they were already spoiled enough. I had been a little upset, because I wanted to do something to make them happy. I know life hasn’t been the best for them this year. Their mother ran off, leaving them hanging in the balance with no explanation, and at their ages they really need their mother to be here for them. Cooper does his best. His father has to run the catering business by himself now that his wife is out of the picture, so he’s almost never home. Cooper told me that this time of year is really busy for the business too, because of all the weddings happening in the area. It’s good for the financial aspect of things, but it’s been really hard on the family. That’s why Cooper is here, trying to be their friend, brother and parent all in one. It’s neat to watch him with his sisters. He makes sure they eat, that they have clothes and school supplies. He helps them with their homework, and gives them advice whenever he can. Still, I know this isn’t his ideal situation. He’s too young to be stuck with all of this responsibility, it’s not fair to him. If he could, I’m sure he’d be in New York right now with Siobhan and Scott. Though, for some reason, I think fate brought us together so he could be a little happier...even if we just end up staying friends. I know he needs somebody he can confide in right now. Hell, I sure do, and I think I can be that person he can talk to. He trusts me, and I’m really good at listening to his issues or just sitting around and having a quiet evening with him.
“You can whine all you want.” Cooper plops down into a chair and takes a long sip of the ice tea I poured for him a few minutes ago. “I’m not going to persuade Dad to let you drive. You’re too young and too ignorant to understand how big of a responsibility it is. Next year you can do whatever you want.”
She glares at him angrily, a cold gaze filling her eyes. “Mom would have let me drive.”
Silence suddenly fills the room. I look down at April, who has lost the enthusiasm in her eyes. She looks down at the floor and for a moment I think she might start to cry. I don’t even want to look at Cooper, but make myself do it anyway. His expression is a mixture of fatigue, and anger. I know he wants to scream at Natalie, but at the same time I know he wouldn’t think of it. He wouldn’t want to do it in front of April, and I think deep down he knows that Natalie is just as confused about the situation as he is.
“Mom isn’t here,” he says to her softly. “So you shouldn’t be including her in this.”
Natalie rolls her eyes. “Dad drove her away,” she scoffs. “He forced her to work at the catering place like a slave.”
“Natalie....”
“She was miserable, Cooper! You know that!”
“Damn it, Nat,” he grunts. “I’m not doing this with you right now. You’re going to upset your sister and Kerri is here. She’s my guest, and shouldn’t have to listen to it.”
I bite my bottom lip, not really feeling like I should be sticking around and making things more awkward. I bend down and ask April if she’ll go find a toy that we can play with outside, and she nods quickly before racing off to her room. Really, I know she’s going to go sulk up there and I feel terrible about that, but I know it’s better for her to be out of the room for whatever conversation is about to take place between Cooper and his sister. “I’m just going to get some air,” I tell them quietly. “I’m sure April will be down in a minute with her game.”
“No, Ker.” Cooper says, determined. “You don’t need to do that, because this conversation is over.”
“Are you kidding me?” Natalie snaps. “Why do you hate her so much, Cooper? You knew she was miserable, and you even told Dad it was only a matter of time before she left. Why am I the only one that’s happy Mom went off to do what she wanted to? I mean I miss her, but I still love her.”
It’s easy for to me to understand all of this now. While Cooper is taking the bitter way out of things by simply shutting his mother out of his life, his sister is doing the exact opposite. She’s being the cheerleader, trying not to let the fact that their mother abandoned the family make her upset. I guess she thinks if she does this, it will be that much easier to forgive and forget whenever their mother does decide to return. I feel terrible for all of them and it makes me think of my own family back home. I haven’t spoken to my parents in over a month, and Mary, I doubt she even knows who I am anymore. It sucks, and I realize I really should try to make some kind of effort to talk to them before I fly home for that wedding. It would help things to be less awkward and I guess...I really need to start being more thankful for what I have in my life instead of dwelling on the things I’ve lost for good.
“If you think that I don’t love Mom you’re wrong,” Cooper responds after a minute or two. “I can’t not love her, but you know how I feel about what she did. You don’t leave your family to fend for themselves. You just--don’t.”
Natalie shakes her head and lets out a sarcastic laugh. “She’s coming back,” she says brightly, as if she won’t be made to believe anything else. “She just needs a couple of months, that’s all.”
Cooper sucks in a deep breath, and glances at me out of the corner of his eye, as if trying to apologize for what he’s about to say next. “It’s been six fucking months.”
Her bottom lip starts to quiver ever so slightly. “So?”
He crosses his arms. “You’re not stupid, Natalie. Neither am I.”
“You think you know everything!” she exclaims, as a solitary tear creeps out of her eye and glides down her face. “Mom loves us! She wouldn’t just leave and not come back to see if we were okay! You--you’re just mad because you had to leave school to come back home. But you know what, you can leave! I can take care of April and help Dad out by myself. When mom comes back, I’ll just tell her that you left because you didn’t care enough to let things work themselves out.”
She’s battling with herself entirely too hard to prevent the fits of tears that are trying to escape her. I wish I could help her, and tell her that she doesn’t have to work so hard to make the rest of her family stop hating their mother. I know nothing I could say would make much of a difference, though. She has her heart set on all of this, and the worst thing about it is she’s making Cooper feel guilty because of how he feels about the situation. I try to think back to when I was her age, and I guess I do remember being very angry at my mother for all that time because of the miscarriage. I received next to no attention from either of my parents because of it, and I blamed her for my misery most of the time. In a way, I can relate more to Cooper regarding this situation. I won’t tell them that though. I don’t want it to seem like I’m choosing sides.
I wait silently, expecting Cooper to lose the rest of his composure and tell her off. He’s standing there staring her down, his arms still crossed firmly over his chest. He doesn’t say a word to her, though. Instead, he turns to me and reaches into his pocket, fishing out his car keys. “You wanna go for a drive?” he practically whispers to me, a desperate longing in his eyes.
I nod, glancing slightly at Natalie as I do so. She knows she’s not getting anywhere, and it’s causing her to break down. There are more tears on her face now, and she starts to sob a little bit. “Are you sure?” I ask him, more for Natalie’s sake than anything else.
“I can’t do this,” he says quickly, not paying his sister any mind as he takes my hand in his. “If you don’t want to come, it’s okay. I understand.”
“No...,” I shake my head a little. “That’s not it. I just feel bad for her.”
He shrugs. “This is nothing compared to when she and my dad argue. She’ll get over it. Let’s just go.”
With one final glance over at Natalie, who has simply resorted to plopping herself down at the table and crying, I decide it’s for the best that I agree with what Cooper wants me to do. I haven’t known Natalie long enough to be her shoulder to cry on, and even if I had...it wouldn’t be my place to make her change her mind about all this. I manage a small smile for him and let him lead me outside. We get into the car and Cooper roars away, making sure to lace his fingers through mine once he’s put the car into the right gear. It’s silent for a while. Cooper takes many scenic back roads filled with hills and trees. He doesn’t play the radio either, but it’s not making any of this awkward. It’s really peaceful, just driving with him. I feel content. He’s not going to blow up and start screaming about how ungrateful his sister is, that’s just not the type of guy he is. Cooper is a lot more mellow than Justin and Trace are. He lets things roll off his shoulders a lot more easily, and he finds happiness in simple things.
I wish I could be more like that.
“Thanks for coming,” he says after a while. He allows his eyes to wander from the road to meet my own for a moment, and flashes me a genuine smile. “I usually have to take these drives alone.”
I sigh. “You take a lot of them, I’m assuming?”
He nods. “Since I moved back out here I’ve taken one almost every day.” He lets out a sad laugh. “What does that tell you about Nat?”
I shrug. I don’t want to put his sister down. In fact, I think I might be able to open his eyes to a couple of things that he might be too stressed out to notice about her. “She’s just scared, Cooper,” I tell him gently. “She doesn’t want to believe that your mom is gone for good.”
He rolls his eyes. “She’s never wanted to accept reality, ever since we were kids. One Christmas we snuck downstairs and caught our parents putting the presents underneath the tree. I told her that I had always known they did that, and there was no Santa. She freaked out, Ker,” he laughs, brightly. “She forced me to make up some story about how Santa had shipped our presents by mail and Mom and Dad were just helping him out because he was running late.” He seems happy remembering, but the laughter soon fades from his eyes. “I just wish she’d grow up, you know? If Mom comes back, it’s not going to go over well anyway. She’ll just confused the hell out of April, and Natalie will get all messed up when she leaves us again. My dad wouldn’t take her back. I mean, my sisters don’t know yet but he’s already drawn up the divorce papers.” He sighs heavily. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do once they find out. Like, sometimes I feel like my Dad doesn’t care about their feelings. I’m supposed to be the one that comforts them but...I’m in the middle of my life too, you know? I was just ripped out of what I was doing mid year with school, my credits, and my future because Mom decided she didn’t want to work through her issues with Dad anymore. I can’t just keep a smile on my face and act like what she did was okay. Natalie hates that, but I don’t really care anymore.”
I look down at my lap for several minutes, debating everything that he’s just told me. I feel terrible, because I know he’s slowly being torn apart inside. He’s trying too hard to please his father, and I don’t think he realizes how much Cooper is sacrificing for the sake of his sisters. I can’t deny the fact that his family has a lot of money, and his father’s answer to everything is that Cooper can just wait and he’ll send him back to New York once things blow over a little bit. I want to shake the man, and tell him that it’s not fair Cooper has to put his life on hold. He’s not a father. He’s only twenty-three. I wish I could do it. It might me feel a little more powerful and a hell of a lot better about how I view myself. “Can’t you just tell your dad that you’re not happy?”
He looks at me, an intense gaze filling his eyes. “It’s not that I’m unhappy...”
“You put your life on hold, Cooper,” I interrupt him. “I think your Dad is carrying it out too far. I mean, doesn’t he care that you were going to an excellent school and you were happy?”
He laughs a little bit. “He wanted me to go to Yale, but I couldn’t make the cut. My GPA was just under where it needed to be, and none of my family is alumni so I didn’t have a chance in hell. NYU was a joke to him, but I was satisfied with it because Scott was going there. He got over it after the first year, when I forced him to come stay at the dorms for a weekend. I think he got it then but you know, he couldn’t tell his friends at the country club that his kid went to an ivy league school. I think that always pissed him off, but he’s hoping that I get into law school at Yale. Then I don’t think he’ll hold it over my head until the day he dies. And he didn’t force me to put school on hold, I just knew that if I wasn’t around for April and Natalie, they really wouldn’t have anybody. My dad is a workaholic, and he’s never been one to cater to the girls whining and crap. I’m his dream kid...the boy,” he laughs. “You know what I mean.”
I nod, understanding what he means. At the same time, I still don’t feel like Cooper is getting everything he deserves from life. Just like me, he’s sort of been cheated. For the first time I realize that in a way, he and I are almost living the same sort of lifestyle. “I guess I just don’t want to see you unhappy. I mean, you’ve done so much for me already. You deserve to be able to achieve the things you’ve been working hard for.”
Another genuine smile makes its way onto his face, and he gives my hand another squeeze as he looks over at me. “You keep me from being unhappy.”
I smile, because I don’t think there’s been another time in my life that somebody has made me feel this special. I loved Justin, but it was in a different type of way. He seemed to force himself to be with me at times. He was never just with me, or thankful that I was there with him. We didn’t drive around like this. He spent all of his time living in fear and so did I. In a way I guess we may have been cheated, but even before everything happened, I can’t remember a time when we’d messed around and he’d told me that I mattered as much as Cooper seems to think I matter. It makes me want to say fuck everything else and just cling onto him like some kind of sick puppy. I know that’s not the right way to do things, though. Yes, Cooper likes me, but it’s not like we’re in love. Hell, we’re not even a couple yet. I feel like my emotions are reacting too soon. I don’t want to jump the gun with Cooper. I don’t know exactly what I want yet, and that’s not fair to him. “I’m glad you pushed like hell to get me to hang out with you,” I giggle. “Sometimes I’m too stubborn for my own good, and most of the time people just tend to leave me be.”
He shakes his head a little as he pulls the car down another road, that leads out onto a scenic overlook. There’s a few other people around, a couple of families with small children looking through the binoculars, but other than that it’s quiet and peaceful. I never knew places like this existed in Los Angeles. There’s Justin’s hill of course. The one where you can see the entire night sky. But I can’t go back there. There’s too much to remember that I’m trying so hard to forget.
“Your friends suck,” he says sadly, reaching over to cup my face in his hand. “I can’t understand why they’ve just abandoned you. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy too.”
I cant meet his gaze. I wish I could tell him all the fucked up things that have happened between Justin, Trace, and myself. But it would just turn into a longwinded tale, that would only depress the hell out of me, and I’m so tired of feeling like that. “There’s a lot to it,” I whisper. “Maybe one day I’ll be able to explain it in a way you can understand.”
“Hey.” He curls his finger under my chin and pushes my head up so I’m forced to look at him. “Life’s complicated but it’s no reason for people to desert the ones that they’re supposed to care about. There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me understand why they shoved you off to live in that home. It’s just wrong, Kerri. Part of me almost wishes you’d go back to your folks. At least that way you’d be around people that care about you.”
I sigh. The last thing I want to do right now is go home to my parents. They never really wanted to know the gory details of what happened to me, all they wanted to do was look the other way and move on with life. I’ve come to accept that. They don’t want to freak Mary out, and my father is too busy with his career to take the time to really see how badly damaged I am. After the accident, he wanted me to recover quickly, so he sort of put that responsibility on Trace’s shoulders the moment he offered to do it. At the time I was happy with that. Having Trace around made me feel like I didn’t have to let go of the past...or Justin. A small part of me always clung to the hope that Justin would try to contact Trace, and I’d be able to see him again. Of course I was wrong. Of course I was stupid, and in the end, it nearly killed my friendship with Trace. He still cares about me of course, but he doesn’t have an issue putting me and my package of issues out of his mind while he concentrates on his new girlfriend and newly recovered friendship with Justin.
Part of me hates him for being able to be so damn carefree.
“My parents don’t understand me,” I tell him after a while, feeling the hot tears start to glide down my face. Fuck, I hate myself for crying in front of him. We drove out here because he was having an issue, and now it’s turning into a tangent about my fucked up life. “We’re not out here to talk about me anyway, Cooper.”
He shrugs. “You already know what’s going on with me. It’s pretty basic, and I deal with it everyday. I told you, you’re helping me by just being here. I want to make sure that you’re doing okay too.”
Story Tags: justinandtrace
